Turns out that when you create the first ever show with a cast of almost all queer women, and do it on a cable channel that allows multiple scenes of what just barely misses qualifying as porn in every episode, we gays get resourceful.

Because of how upset and exhausted I assume y’all must be, I’ve made sure this recap is chock full of inappropriate captions and semi-offensive image editing and even drinking games you can play the next time you feel up to the challenge. Here is your veritable stuffed French toast of a recap, so go ahead and dig in.

On the journey from there to here.

While everyone else was feeling emotions Ari and Ashley were just hangin’ out doin’ them. Lesbians have this break-up thing down to a science, after all.

“Netflix is kinda like my fag hag, the kind that wraps you up in a warm rainbow blanket with a bowl of soup when you’re recovering from a Cinco de Mayo hangover.”

Because you’ve always wanted to hear Jon Gosselin say the words “I’m not masturbating.”

Felix says they need an idea to trap Donnie, and Alison tells him what every college student already knows: drinking leads to ideas.

This week on the show that no one besides me and Stef are talking about, it must be lunchtime at this shoddily constructed preschool of a mansion, because everyone’s throwing tantrums and Farrah’s fibbing to the class. James Deen was not your boyfriend, sweetheart.

“Laneia, that was our first official interaction in the world — you seeing a link to my blog on The Planet Boards and wanting to delete it.”

Remember all the hope I had for Brandon? My hope is Humpty Dumpty and all the kings horses and all the kings lesbians will never put my hope for this character back together again.

Recently, GO Magazine published an interview with Romi Klinger of The Real L Word regarding the current state of her relationships, her career, and the controversy surrounding her sexuality. What does one complicated public figure representing bisexuality mean for the rest of us?

“I was angry. Really fucking angry. Angry because Jenny Schecter was right.”

“Tom and I in Amsterdam, cuz yeah… that’d be dangerous and hilarous. Or Jamie and I in Seoul, Korean food #FTW. Lastly Jenny and I in Brazil, for the beautiful women.”

A show about “celebrities” with “relationship problems” being solved by a “professional” team of therapists. Quotation marks intentional.

In my mind, to fail at LGBT inclusion in fiction is to have a failure of imagination, a lazy lack of understanding concerning the world outside of one’s self. To intentionally choose to tell a story about a real LGBT person and then exclude their queer identity is a failure on an entirely different level.

“Like Russia itself, my parents’ instincts are torn. My birth country can’t make up its mind whether it wants its culture to be a part of liberal Europe or conservative Asia, my birth parents can’t make up their minds between simply loving their only child and feeling like there is something fundamentally broken about me now.”

On the latest episode of Two and a Half Men, Jon Cryer’s character starts dating a trans woman. Despite what you may have heard, their interactions are pretty much as disrespectful and tasteless as you would have expected from a show like this.

“Seriously, why the fuck is Ashley on this show?”

“Writing a Rita Mae Brown ‘Sudden Death’ or Jenny Schecter ‘Lez Girls’ was never an option.”

“Blaze squinted in the mirror and pushed her hair left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then righter, then really left, then up a little, then all the way down […]”