Feature image via ESPN

As I previously mentioned, my dreams of marrying Brittney Griner were cruelly shattered not too long ago. However, I didn’t want to be one of those bitter queer biddies who stitches 5EvaAlone patches into their tear-soaked flannel or who makes voodoo dolls of Glory Johnson (because homegirl is too fine for a spiritually-invoked retribution and I have a crush on her too). Brittney didn’t want that for me or you either. Fortunately for me, you equally heart-broken queers, and the ten additional cats I would have otherwise adopted to keep my company, Brittney and Glory understood our pain and gave us an episode of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta for us to cherish forever more, ’til death — or the end of television — do we part.

Season eight, episode ten of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, which is aptly titled “Love and Basketball,” begins with all these basic store stylists preparing for their next assignment. When the head stylist announces that Brittney Griner is going to be at the bridal store, one of the stylists loses her shit. As do I.

Be still my beating ovaries

Glory magically appears on screen and introduces her entourage of Unfriendly Black Hotties, including her infamous fiancée, Brittney Griner. Glory and Brittney explain the beginning of their epic romance: they played basketball in college as rivals. Glory won the first jump off and from that point on Brittney won everything else. Brittney’s like #SorryNotSorry and I can tell that this episode is going to be real competitive.

Glory is not amused by Brittney’s sass

Brittney admits that she was attracted to Glory from the get-go. Glory tried to resist Brittney’s charm and beauty but if that were possible, there wouldn’t have been a million heart-broken lady gays around the globe mourning (but still kinda celebrating) Brittney and Glory’s imminent wedding. The two began dating after college, and have been in rainbow bliss ever since. Glory explains that they’d like to go on a cruise that ends in Hawaii, where the two can legally marry in front of their loved ones.

This lovefest is short lived because they got twenty minutes of TV time to find Glory a dress. Brittney explains that she doesn’t know shit about dresses but that she wants Glory to wear a dress that shows off her body. I’m glad that Brittney is upfront about her dykey desires. She wants “more bride, less dress,” and all the queer viewers say, “Amen.” Glory’s sister takes it upon herself to offer the complete opposite direction for dress choices. Homegirl says that she’d like to see Glory in a dress that has a long train and Brittney looks like she’s ready to revoke homegirl’s right to an opinion.

Ain’t nobody asked you what you think

This episode is high stakes and no one has even touched a dress yet. Glory announces, “We wouldn’t be true to ourselves if there wasn’t some competition. I’m excited to see who can pick out the best dress.” Brittney and her sister J forge Team Suits, while Grace and Judy, Glory’s sisters, form Team Dresses. After a few moments rummaging through dresses, Grace and Judy find a bunch of dresses that they think their sister will like. Grace has a clear advantage because she’s known Glory for always, identifies as a fashionista and confesses that “she likes a challenge.” In a different corner of the store, Team Suits have found nothing. The struggle is so real and I’m not actually sure why Team Suits were so convinced they would be viable competition. At one point, Brittney actually thinks she’s finally found a dress that works but after she sees Glory’s face, she is not so confident.

Bae… Do you know what a dress is?

Uhm… I was just making sure you’re paying attention

Eventually Team Suits takes this mannequin hostage because why not? If the mannequin said yes to the dress, why wouldn’t the bride?

“I feel like the best dress would be on the mannequin because they want you to see it.” — Brittney Griner, SYTTD 2015

True talk though: there have been many times when I have been shopping and I really just wanted to take the mannequin’s outfit and call it a day. Given that Team Suits has not only found the perfect dress, but also have revealed the truth about capitalism and marketing, they take a break to do some catwalking.

America’s Next Top Model presents: Gay and Gorgeous

The stylists decide to go with the dress Team Suits picked out first. Glory is surprised that she even likes the dress at all given that Team Suits barely know what a dress is and kidnapped a mannequin in the process of searching, but she debuts it for her entourage. At first, Glory is glowing and singing praises to the dress; Team Suits is really excited but Glory’s sisters disprove because it’s not form fitting below Glory’s waist. In Team Dresses defense, Glory and Brittney said that they wanted the dress to be form fitting but I also think Team Dresses were playa hating. Brittney and Grace are about to throw down and I kinda want this show to go all Jerry Springer for a hot second.

Brittney is about to come for homegirl’s life for dissing the dress

Grace ain’t even scared though

Before a fight breaks out, Glory heads back to the dressing room to try on the choice picked by Team Dresses. Glory is in love with this gown and even though she won’t say outright that her sisters won, she is definitely pleased. The dress is form fitting all the way down to her toes like Glory wanted, but when Glory shows the dress to the Unfriendly Black Hotties, Team Suits is not impressed. J says, “It looks like you’re going to an award’s show,” while Brittney argues that it doesn’t have enough bling. Glory changes her mind and agrees to look at some different options.

Fortunately, one of the store stylists is not as basic as the stylists on SYTTD tend to be, and she redirects the group. She tells them that while it’s great that everyone’s been having fun, the dress shopping is not a game and that it’s an important day for Brittney and Glory. The stylist advises Glory to try on a dress that she picked out, which — I think — is a healthy way to promote the bride’s autonomy and agency.

Glory tries on about four dresses by herself and begins to suffer from what I like to call Restless Fitting Syndrome or RFS. RFS is when I go shopping and I know I need to find an outfit that will serve a specific purpose, but after trying on almost every fucking piece of fabric that can fit me I start to get incredibly anxious and insecure. Suddenly, it seems like I either have to go home empty-handed — which I hate doing because I need to finish what I start — or I have to pick something that looks bad on me. Common symptoms of RFS are: sweating uncontrollably so you actually need to stop trying on clothes, a strong desire to start ripping, eating, or burning all clothes within a ten mile radius, desperately purchasing everything except the one thing you planned to buy, or writing manifestos you’ll never send to designers who can’t make clothes that fit bodies properly. The Unfriendly Black Hotties wait for 5 seconds in TV time, which probably correlates to 20 minutes in real time and 3 hours in what some Black folks affectionately refer to as CPT (Colored People Time). After a series of uncomfortable basketball puns, the stylists bring Brittney back into the dressing room to see if my former future wife can do anything to help her actual future wife.

Brittney: “You’re not confident about how you look right now, huh?”

Our heroic lady gay, Brittney Griner, swoops in to boost Glory’s confidence. She reminds Glory that she’s beautiful and that she doesn’t have to keep looking at dresses that day if she doesn’t want to. Glory, like the champ she is, is not about to give up, and after a few cuddles and kisses from my — I mean her soulmate, Glory is ready to keep searching.

Finally, Glory emerges in dress #7, and she looks just as amazing and flawless as she looked in every other dress, except this time everyone admits that Glory is just a stunning human being in a gorgeous dress and we can die happy now.

Beautiful ass human

Brittney is overwhelmed with all the feels and starts crying. The whole world weeps with her.

Do I have to upgrade to a certain level of queerness before I’m a cute cryer too?

Glory says yes to this dress and after all the tears and the happy feels, this woman brings it back to competition by announcing that she won. Swerve. I got so caught up in the tears and gayness that I forgot that Brittney and Glory made the dress shopping a competition. Let me tell you, this woman did win because she managed to get Team Suits and Team Dresses on Team Glory. After this episode, I’m sure she got some bitter ass queers making Glory voodoo dolls on Team Glory. This show is really Say Yes to the Glory and I’m 100% about it.

In conclusion, there are three important take aways from this episode of Say Yes to the Glory.

1. Glory always wins. She foreshadowed it in the beginning. She won the first jump off between Brittney and herself. She won Brittney’s heart. She wins at life.
2. If you suffer from RFS, just find yourself a lady gay to kiss your face and remind you that you’re a fucking goddess. Can we mandate this take away? Consensual lady gay kisses for all!
3. Brittney Griner is the best would-be future wife ever for giving us, heartbroken queers, this episode to watch on replay whenever we miss her.

Consensual lady gay kisses to all and to all a good, queer life!

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