Straddlers! I’m writing to you at three past the witching hour, up late to concoct a dark and complex brew for you. We’ll be covering Salem, a occult-themed historical drama full of canon queerness, witchy TV Tropes, magick panic, and horrible colonial patriarchy. To combat accentuate the darkness, I’ll also sprinkle in relevant moody playlists and suggested reading.

This show aired this year on a channel called WGN America, which I don’t know about because I’m ignorant of TV and too busy hiding under a rock made out of cheap and commitment-free digital streaming services. Salem just got added to Netflix, which is how I learned about it. You can also snag the entire first season on Amazon. We’ll be taking these recaps two episodes at a time, to mimic the way we binge watch in the 21st century.

Some of you might remember me from Star Trek N00b, so I’ll be talking nerdy to you. Channel yer inner Hermoine and check out a few of these books that seem pretty damn relevant.

Suggested Reading

The Malleus Maleficarum: This book is a terrible reminder of when humans really fucked the world up. Basically, some Catholic dude wrote a witch-hunting guide back in 1486. It set off a witch panic and played a major role in the torture and murder of tens of thousands of people. Over what?

Dicks in danger

Yes, the Malleus says witches could create illusions so men will believe that their DICKS AREN’T ATTACHED TO THEIR BODIES. Yes, this is exactly the type of paranoia that would instigate a centuries-long genocide of mostly women.

Oh nose!

However, the Malleus is also one of the earliest texts to describe witches and is partially responsible for the negative witch stereotypes we know of today.

The Crucible: We all read it in high school. It’s about the depressing horrors of the Salem witch trials.

*Your lesbian witch erotica of choice here*: Please leave suggestions in the comments. It’ll be like a nice soothing eyewash after the oppressive witch slap of history.

Now that you’ve got your grimoires and quills ready, let’s get on with the show!

Episode One

The scene opens on the town of Salem, Massachusettes. They really don’t beat around the bush here with Puritanical hellfire and punishment. The town buzzkill and biblethumper George Sibley is branding this guy’s forehead with an F for Fornication.

We’re introduced to resident bad-boy, John Alden, whose father was apparently a VIP in Salem. He’s the only one who dares to question Sibley, getting sassy with quotes from the bible.

But the whole town knows that Sibley hates John because he’s a little punk who likes to flip bible quotes around to critique the patriarchy.

Even though it smells like burning flesh right now, Mary totally has the hots for John.

Anyway, John’s skipping town to go join the war effort so that Sibley doesn’t hang him. He smooches Mary in the county graveyard and promises that King William’s War will just last a year. WRONG!

After John marches off to war, we meet Tituba, a powerful witch and the only woman of color I’ve seen so far in Salem. She leads Mary off into the woods. Mary’s freaking out, because she’s pregnant! and oh hetero Jesus, this is the kind of thing that gets you BRANDED as a harlot in Salem.

Tituba’s a super relevant name in history, since she was the first accused with in the real-life Salem Witch Trials. She also gets named-dropped in AHS:Coven, as Chelsea points out.

Turns out Tituba’s running a Planned Parenthood out in the woods, because she’s able to get rid of Mary’s baby problem within a few minutes. The only caveat is that Mary has offered her innocent baby’s life up to some demon with a skin condition, and now the Dark Ones totally owe her a solid.

Seven years later…

Whew, how time flies! John returns to Salem, which is in full-blown witch panic mode.

Before butt hair waxing, you had to tame the beast with plucking.

This sweaty preacher dude is Sibley’s son, Cotton, who has inherited the witch-hunting torch from his father. Talk about the repressed priest — when he’s not busy proselytizing and hanging witches, he’s out at the brothel with his lover Gloriana and addressing his delirium tremens at the bar.

Gloriana appears totally unimpressed by the reverend in bed.

Magistrate Hale is the only person in town who openly criticizes Cotton’s witch hunt. Which is understandable since he’s:

While John doesn’t buy into any of the witch panic, he does notice that there are some freaky things afoot. He accompanies Cotton to the home of Mercy Lewis, a young woman who seems to be possessed by demons. (Mercy’s also featured in The Crucible.)

Holy shit, this scene was scary. Poor Mercy’s being tormented by something awful.

The men are unhelpful in this exorcism

Turns out this Walking Dead extra is lurking in Mercy’s bedroom. I’m gonna ride the Nope!mobile outta here.

So what happened to Mary over the last seven years? Well she just became a super powerful dark witch who now runs the entire town of Salem, since she married Sibley Sr.

She’s so evil that she’s even grown an extra nipple on her leg to feed her frog familiar. Guess where she stores this frog? In her husband’s freakin’ throat, so he can’t cry for help! Damn, Mary.

How do you even find a bra for this?!

Yikes.

Mary’s upset at John Alden’s return to Salem, and she joins Tituba in her bedroom, where they have a steamy ladies’ empowerment scene. Tituba reminds Mary that she’s grown into a super-scary witch all by herself, one who runs all of Salem. “What’s John Alden compared to all that lies before you?” Also, pretty sure they’re bangin’ each other.

Mary’s ready to join the ranks of other Alternative Lifestyle witches like:

Willow, Elsa, Elphaba, Evil Disney Queens…

Poor, empty-headed Cotton decides to chain up Mercy, the possessed girl, because he thinks that she can somehow sniff out witches like a bloodhound.

Turns out that Mary’s got the whammy over this poor girl, and decides to target Giles Corey, a friend of John Alden’s who witnessed her abortion in the woods with Tituba. Corey is blackmailing Mary with news of Alden’s unborn child. So Mary decides that he’s gotta go!

Mercy CHOMPS OFF HER OWN FINGERTIP, spits it out, and points at Giles. If that’s not a damning false accusation, then I don’t know what it.

My manicurist is gonna be so pissed.

Poor Giles is dragged away and executed in the public square by Reverend Cotton, who should never fucking touch a game of Clue. The real witches are thrilled that the people of Salem are killing innocents, because the deaths will help them complete a tricky Level 50 Mean Witch Spell.

That night, Mary needs to join her witch circle/conference call. She and Tituba don’t use Skype to dial in — instead, they use a wooden dildo that Tituba’s screwed off the top of her broom! They use some flying ointment as lube and they sex it up. Go WGN America!

Got a cramp while doing kegels!

Mary freezes in that incredibly awkward position and telepathically joins her witch conference call, which is basically an old Nine Inch Nails music video.

It’s still too soon. :(

But guess who witnesses the witches’ rites? That’s right, John Alden and Isaac, the guy with the “F” branded into his forehead!

Will they team up to bring the evil queer witches and Lucius Malfoy to justice? Or will they get the hell outta Dodge?

Bonus: Ladies’ Night in Salem playlist!

The theme of this episode is the MNDR Nighttime remix of Austra’s Spellwork, because of all the fire and magick!

EPISODE 2

You know that sexy growl-singing you hear in the opening credits? That’s Marilyn Manson! I know that some people don’t really get him, but I am a major fan. While I was in Catholic school, I saw him on TV and was confused about his gender presentation. Manson helped me realize many important things about gender, like it’s okay to confuse people if you want to, and that I don’t like the binary.

Marilyn Manson’s glam rock era. Gay police in pink uniforms also make out in this music video.

Cotton’s no Sherlock, and he keeps hanging the wrong people. It’s taking a major toll on the residents of Salem.

John’s super pissed at Reverend Cotton, because his friend Giles was killed in an unnecessarily cruel way (large rocks on top of his body). See what happens when people read the Malleus Maleficarum? They get horrible ideas.

John rushes into the brothel where Cotton’s hanging out with Gloriana. He’s about to kill the Reverend, but then admits that he’s seen the witches rolling around in tar and fire in the woods. So these two enemies team up temporarily.

We finally learn that Lucius Malfoy Hair is a for realz witch, and he’s concerned that John Alden’s presence is distracting Mary from her actual goal of world domination. She reminds Lucius Malfoy Hair of her powers, and tells him not to worry about it.

Both of these witches are worries about the witnesses who disrupted their Gay Witch Happy Hour/Circle ritual. No one got a clear look at the culprits, but Lucius Malfoy Hair might know a seer who saw something.

Meanwhile, John Alden, Reverend Cotton, and Isaac form the Witchhunting Stooges, committed to finding the real witches with real evidence this time!

Maybe there’s a clue in this tree stump / cauldron / vaginal symbol.

Inside, they find a dead person’s hand, covered in glyphs and bugs.

Lucius Malfoy Hair tromps around in the woods in search of the seer, who uses reanimated animals as his miniature spies.

This seer is a scary mofo. He’s got the ability to pick up fire with his bare hands and breath life into dead animals. He even sketches out Lucius Malfoy Hair.

Meanwhile, Mary seems to have a new target. The town’s midwife keeps questioning the witch panic, imploring people to use Science and Reason! She thinks that the treatment of Mercy is completely inhumane.

I couldn’t meme this because it’s really fucking sad and I hope Mercy gets down soon and wrecks shit!

Tituba and Mary have a lovers’ spat about the next innocent victim of their Grand Rite. They’re so adorable.

Former Puritanical witch hunter George Sibley tries to throw some shade at Mary, but she crams her familiar back down his throat.

Mary curses the midwife, so that the next baby she delivers comes out stillborn and deformed. Since Mary has lost a baby of her own, you’d THINK she’d never stoop this low. Ugh, evil lesbian cliches.

Reverend Cotton visits Mary’s house to see the “evidence” of the unnatural birth. He’s suitably impressed and runs off to hunt a witch!

The entire town convenes in the church, where Mercy’s still hanging on the cross. Cotton continues to be a failure of a detective, and he forces several women to stand in front of Mercy, to test if they’re witches. When the midwife arrives, Mary uses her evil powers, causing Mercy to spew blood all over the midwife.

Looks red, tastes blue

But seriously though, fuck Cotton and fuck Mary. The midwife ends up hanging.

The seer looks into his scrying glass, which is full of zombie lizard blood. And he’s able to see the face of Isaac, one of the guys who witnessed the witches’ circle! Oh noes!

Anne Hale, Lucius Malfoy Hair’s daughter, seeks out John Alden because the midwife was her friend. The bartender tries to kick her out because “no ladies allowed after dark.” John vouches for her, they both talk about how much Puritanical Salem blows, and Anne demands justice for the midwife’s death.

John stumbles over to Mary’s house and announces his intention to stay in Salem and join their Board of Selectmen. Which is like an HOA that regulates witch hangings, I guess.

Ugh that’s a terrible pun.

Mary leaps into action, so that she can claim another innocent victim for her Grand Rite. What do you think she’ll get as a prize once she completes it? A 5 lb bag of gummy bears? A time machine to take her and Tituba away from the colonial era?

She stuffs a lock of red hair and some beetles into a doll. She squeezes a mouse like a ketchup bottle over the entire mess. Seriously, can’t you be an evil witch without the animal torture? There’s gotta be a way.

The scene cuts to Anne, who’s busy drawing jack-off material of John Alden in her sketchbook. And oh god, I always hated Chucky, but now this doll is sitting on Anne’s dresser, giving some major stink-eye.

Mary basically built a spooky, blood-soaked version of a nanny cam.

Ladies’ Night in Salem playlist

The theme of this second episode is the Sweet Dreams cover by Marilyn Manson, since we talked about him earlier.

Questions:

How would you survive in colonial Salem?
How long until Cotton gets accused of witchcraft?
Why can’t Tituba and Mary just ditch their Grand Rite and fly off to Providence, Rhode Island and start a queer witch sorority colony? I’d rather watch that show.

Sleep well, my pretties. Can’t wait to explore the dark side of Salem with you next time for episodes three and four!

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