[Editor’s Note: I’ve been totally stalled on recapping this thing, because Dinah Shore only lasts for five days for a reason. Girl drama gets boring real fast, unless a writer writes it better than it is in real life — much like straight drama. At some point I could no longer take it. Yell at me, tell me I can’t spell, it’s okay, I want more than this MORE THAN THIS I want us all to have fun, I want life to be full of fun, and heart, and peace, and things that matter, and good education & free health insurance & a better economy and The Nicest Thing the Movie Dot Com and equal rights, and that’s what I want. I want love, a farm, and mountains. xoxo]

Anyhow, let’s begin! Have you ever felt any of the following feelings in the company of other females?

1. Electricity
2. Heat
3. Lightning through your body
4. Chemistry
5. A “rush”
6. A”click,” or a “click right away”
7. A visceral reaction
8. A lightbulb going off in your head

Then you may have a disease — it’s called Real Lesbians. Luckily, there’s a show for that, filled with other ladies who have those feelings, too! And LOVE talking about it! It’s called The Real L Word, and it premiered Sunday night at 10 P.M. on Showtime.

Back in the old days when I recapped The L Word for my blog and The L Word Online, I aimed to have my L Word recaps up immediately after the show’s end, otherwise known as “10 P.M.”

Unfortunately, this show has no premise, no rising action and no conflict and therefore… I really you know, have had a hard time. It’s a bunch of girls who like girls, mostly wearing the same color tank tops.

Also it gave me a lot of feelings about The Power of the Clam:

Basically this is the premise: Ilene Chaiken made a show, The L Word:

People complained “lesbian life isn’t really like that.” Now Ilene’s made a reality show to prove that yeah, it really is like that.

Unfortunately, a lot of the interesting people who were offered spots on The Real L Word said hell-to-the-NO. The girls on it seem like nice people, but it’s been edited into oblivion, and for me personally or anyone who’s spent any time in the “scene” depicted on this show, Karman Kregloe at AfterEllen had it dead on when she explained:

I suspect it’s all about perspective. As a Los Angeles resident who regularly spots neighbors/co-workers/acquaintances on reality shows (and wonders why they do it), I find the women and the “scene” to be familiar, even predictable.

Watching the show with friends, the most dramatic moments for them didn’t involve Whitney’s revolving bedroom door or Rose’s loutish treatment of her girlfriend. They were just worried that they might have inadvertently ended up in a background shot of a bar scene. (So far, two episodes in, they seemed to have eluded the cameras.) But if you don’t live in Los Angeles, and the “characters” aren’t a part of your everyday scenery, you might just find the show fascinating. Maybe not terribly “real,” but interesting nonetheless.

Ultimately the show lacks heart or a soul heavy/significant enough to move your own. I never watch this genre of TV so I’ve just been briefed on Laguna Beach: apparently the show’s driving force was that there were two girls who liked the same guy and viewers picked a side. We don’t even have THAT, yannow?

Can someone send these girls to an island, make them produce  dishes with one key ingredient or design clothes out of haystacks, or have them compete for the heart of the Bachelor or fight for the gauntlet or something? No? Just film their lives or whatever because they are lesbians? Okay.

LET’S ROLL!

So you should know the cast members are:
Rose — girlfriend Natalie
Mikey — girlfriend Raquel
Whitney — hoes in different area codes
Tracy — girlfriend Stamie (has three kids)
Jill & Nikki — girlfriends engaged.

I’m going to be share the opinions of our random friends who watched the show, and who you may or may not know or care about. It doesn’t really matter, they’re all SO FUNNY!

Executive Editor Laneia, Senior Writer Jess, DJ Carlytron, AS Photographer Robin,  Miss April Sarah C., Miss February Julia, me (Riese) our stylist Sara M and Suzanna (who’s from the internet). Design Director Alex was there, too, but she got bored and started working on golden retrievers dot com, I kid you not. Also Crystal was there for part of it but I think was just as bored as when I made her watch it the first time, and we both died a bit inside.

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UPDATE: Showtime has uploaded the episode to YouTube,
so you can all play along at home!

The episode opens with some oddly edited, shoe-fetish-focused interviews about everybody’s first time with a lady. Carly says the interviews are out of focus, and Laneia thinks Mikey looks like Rod Stewart.

Part One: Meeting the Ladies

Once upon a time, there were six pretty ladies who’d never had sex with another lady. Then one day they had sex with another lady.

Rose can’t remember the girl’s name, but we do get some interesting family background here when she explains that during her first time she’d “never had a girl’s breast in her mouth or her face before,” which means clearly she was not breastfed. Regardless, now Rose would like to spend the rest of her life with other girl’s tits in her face and by golly SHE HAS. She is kicking Shane’s ASS on Our Chart. (RIP)

Jill said her first time was “almost a similar feeling to when she lost her virginity” (beat) “to a man.” Except without the bleeding and the sperm in her bellybutton, etc., I imagine. Nikki tackled someone like a tiger, which is the best mating strategy around.

Tracy did four shots at a lesbian bar with a girl she’d just met. That’s our kind of lady.

Yabba Dabba Doo You

And then we get to Whitney, who is the star of this episode. Whitney was 9, her lady-love was 11. Coincidentally, that’s also the number you call to report inappropriate sexual activity between minors ANYHOO, these precocious pre-teens decided to use whipped cream to be “romantic.” I can’t even make fun of this, because whipped cream was the primary tool used by me and my gay best friend when we decided to lose our virginities to each other just for funsies. I thought he might like girls better if they were covered in food, and I was more or less right.

However Whitney wasn’t so lucky. She had to resort to sour cream & fruity pebbles. Which is gross. Why not just gas your playdate with Lysol or something.

It’s Hammer Time

Oh hey the minute you walked in the door, BUM BUM, I could tell you were a real big douchebag, a real big Mikey duh duh duh duh here’s Mikey duh dum dum take your tie off hayyyyy:

Mikey: “All I know is I woke up one morning, and I was super fucking horny, and we started making out and before I knew it, I was giving her a fucking orgasm.”

And before I knew it, I was squirting a bucket of mayonnaise in your eyesocket, you self-obsessed weirdo. How did you end up on my teevee? Where’s Blue’s Clues?

Carly: “No one cares about coming out or first time stories. Why do they keep talking about this? Consensus: this is boring.”

The opening theme song is terrible, but not aggressively so. On a scale of one to ten, I’d give it a “slightly better than BETTY.” That being said, I miss Jenny’s boobs.

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Part Two: Whitney the Womaneater

I Just Can Hop a Plane and Come and Visit You Again

This episode mainly focuses on Whitney and how she makes out with a lot of chicks.

Whitney: “I am currently single, there are a lot of girls who I take home, or that I am dating or seeing, and I feel like I just have too many things going on at once.”

For example, she’s presently heading to the airport to pick up another one of her “things” named Sara, along with their mutual friend Taylor. Whitney had a fling with Sara “in the past and potentially in present.” If you try to diagram Whitney’s sentences, you’ll end up with pencils in your eyesockets, so just roll with it.

This is Sara. She’ll look like everyone else in about twenty minutes, but it might not actually matter, because of this power – this all-powerful power. This power of the clam (more on this later):

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Like Duck Duck Goose But With More Vadge

At Alcove, Whitney & her San Francisco friends and LA Transplants discuss pressing topics, such as: the difference between girls in San Francisco & Los Angeles. The word “futch” is used here without irony or any props given to the fine founder of this bizarre linguistic mishap, our friend Dani Campbell.

Think life in the City of Angels is all vagina and fruity pebbles/sour cream? You’re wrong. There’s a serious epidemic happening. It’s like anthrax kinda:

“Femmes who think they’re butch because they’re girls with short haircuts.”

Posers. Wanting to be a part of a kickass but totally misunderstood segment of the lesbian mini-minority. God, next thing you know they’re going to be appropriating Native American culture!

Sorry Your Earrings Called But You Didn’t Hear Them Because of your Earrings

Sara and Whitney go to have a cigarette, and music starts playing like she’s about to say something interesting, like “When I met Sara, I had just moved to LA to be a writer while living with my swim coach boyfriend Tim, then I met this ambiguously foreign and literate woman at a lesbian hangout called The Planet, and then then Bette & Tina had a party to find a sperm donor?…and then I was going to the bathroom, and she came in there with me, and I felt so scared” etc etc.

But instead it’s all about abstract “chemistry” and something with ex-girlfriends. Also Whitney is “amazing,” their connection is “different,” it “feels good to see each other.” Also: they’re ‘similar creatures.’ Outside, they share cigs & hugs and Whitney confides:

Whitney: “I can’t tell if I want to shake her, make out with her, or just fuck her.”

Shake her! Shake her! That would be funny right? Like Shaken Baby Syndrome? Oh, dead babies. Hahahaha.

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We Got That B-Roll

Riese: Can we talk about the b-roll.
Carly: Oh Yes! The EDGY LA B-ROLL. South of Nowhere called, they want their b-roll back
Riese: Beverly Hills 90210 is on the other line

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Part Three: Meet Jill & Nikki

Matchy-Matchy

Nikki & Jill have been together for over a year, and they love each other so much that they sometimes accidentally wear the same shade of lavender.

Nikki: “I’m really the straightest gay person you’ll ever meet.”

I don’t know what that means, but I think I hate it.

Over invisible food, the dynamic duo discusses rubbing each other’s feet, making the bed, and touching each other how they like to be touched. I assume the server must have dropped by and asked, “Anyone want some wine? What sort of generic, cotton-commercial-style match.com-esque activities do the two of you do at home alone? I’ll be right back to take your order.”

With a wedding coming up soon, they’ve only got like nine months left to sit on the couch with their laptops and look at photographs of themselves.

Seriously Pedicuring is a Good Skill in a Lady

Nikki gives Jill a pedicure while chanting, “this little piggy went to Gucci, and this little piggy went to H&M because you gotta keep it real.” H&M = keepsin’ it real.

Laneia: “In my world, it’s like, “This little piggy goes to target.”
Riese: “And this little piggy also went to Target.”
Laneia: “And this little piggy stayed home and cried because it didn’t have any money.”

Nikki & Jill knew each other from summer camp (when Nikki dated Jill’s brother) ages ago, and now they are back together, through the power of the internet and specifically their camp website.

Laneia: They reconnected like THIS (does scissoring gesture).
Riese: Scissoring, it’s always scissoring.
Laneia: UGH Why are they wearing belts on the couch?
Riese: She’s probably gonna ask her if dhr’d ever been toed.
Julia: They’re gonna fuck with their feet!
Riese: I love asking people if they’ve ever been toed.
Julia: Riese asks me this all the time, SERIOUSLY.

Planing their not-wedding is gonna stress them out! Nikki says, “I know people that are gay in Los Angeles, but as far as the scene, it’s not who I am.” I agree, Nikki. Fist bump. Speaking of who I am Not, let’s go meet Mikey!

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Part Four: Meet Mikey

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Maybe ‘Cause You Act Like A DICK ALL THE TIME

“I am gay man trapped in a lesbian’s body,” Mikey begins, before sharing her job (producer of events like LA Fashion Week) and introducing her girlfriend (Raquel, who Mikey calls “plus-sized,” to which one of Mikey’s gays responds that “gay fat is the straight skinny.”)

Insight:

Mikey: “Most of us think I’m this tough butch girl b/c I have these tattoos but mostly I’m just a softie on the inside… but I’ll still fuck you up if you cross me.”

Everyone on this show has tattoos, silly rabbit, that doesn’t make you a tough butch. We get some history: Raquel & Mikey have been together for seven months, though oddly their peers are just now asking for the story of how they met — omg guess what? Mikey thought Raquel was a TRANNY! Hahaha! And then Mikey choked her or something. Now their relationship has grown, as they’ve moved past these stereotypes and onto new ones.

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Part Five: Meet Tracy

Tracy is Wearing a Bathing Suit Recommended by our Swimsuit Post

Oh, Tracy. Tracy Tracy Tracy. Tracy’s a development executive at a production company for films & teevee, and also, semi-by-default, we have decided that Tracy can do no wrong. In fact (as we’re about to learn), her girlfriend’s family is the most interesting part of this episode.

Tracy: “I am 29, and I think I’m a late bloomer in a lot of ways. I first realized that I might like women 5 years ago when I went to Magic Mountain with a friend who worked with me. We were being sort of pulled through the lines, and she grabbed my arm, and it was like electricity that just sort of ran through my body, like this lightbulb that went off in my head and I was like, OMG, I don’t want her to be my best friend, I really am attracted to her.”

Haha, Magic Mountain!?

Tracy’s friend Kathleen has offered to sit next to Tracy on the boardwalk and smile and nod while Tracy provides her expository backstory for the camera.

Call it Off, Break Your Own Contract

Her friend is modeling through it as Tracy discusses how much she misses surfing.

Then we cut to Tracy’s home to learn about her family life.

The Good News is that Tracy Often Walks Around In her Underwear

Tracy’s mom & dad just got divorced and live in Jersey. You probs missed that part ’cause Tracy was walking around in her underwear when she told you that.

Tracy’s Mom isn’t a “fan”of Tracy’s sexuality, but Tracy feels ready to have an “adult conversation” about the issue. Perhaps that will be when heart & soul make their guest appearance on the show.

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Part Six: Rose & Whitney Go Out, Have Drama

The Rose of my Heart’s Desire is Not Rose

Rose opens with, “This is how you roll, bitches!” followed up with an interview where she claims that “for every girl that says no, there are ten that are gonna say yes.” It’s a little rapey, and also quite loud.

Rose repeats Whitney’s assertion that L.A. has the prettiest girls:

Rose: “There’s a top 1% in the lesbian world. People who dress good, who look good, who can show you a good time. If you have that then you’re on top of your game. It’s done.”

Riese: “I would think the top 1% would be like, the mayor of houston, Rachel Maddow, Sarah Waters, Tegan & Sara, um, the girl in charge of GetEqual…”

Rose came out at 19 or 20 (she can’t remember, just like she can’t remember the name of the body housing her mouth’s first breast), and then this “monster” (her personality) sprung right out! Now they’ve let the monster loose on Truck Stop, which you may recognize from your actual life or Gimme Sugar or lesbian folklore.

OMG IT’S A REAL LIVE POWERCLAM

Actually for real, we always thought the girls who stood at the front of the bar at Truck Stop, screaming and putting dollar bills in the dancers’ underpants, were tourists. You learn something new every day. Today we learned that we are snobs and those girls are Rose.

Carly: “This show is just ‘let’s go someplace and wear tank tops!”

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Whitney and her friends, who are apparently also in Rose’s top 1%, plan to show their San Fran pals a good time that doesn’t involve veganism or political activism: The Betty!

It’s Like Coyote Ugly, Except Embarrassing

Whitney is impressed when Sara takes off her shoes and starts dancing barefoot on the bar, getting all kinds of athlete’s foot. Whitney says Sara looks “real good up there.” Our reaction was more, “someone get Sara off the bar and into a cab pronto” but then HARK! A lesbian at a lesbian bar spots another lesbian she once made out with! THIS SPELLS TROUBLE. This NEVER happens! The lesbian world is SO GIGANTIC that you can pretty much guarantee: make out ONCE and then NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

Lesbian Squabble #1: I Like You But I Like a Lot of People
In the Ring: Romy vs. Whitney
How it Goes Down: Whitney leaves Sara to “go take care of this” super-important situation with Romy. Most of this is recapped by Whit herself, as it likely didn’t happen so dramatically in real life. Romy keeps saying, “it’s fine,” but Whitney keeps pushing it and saying, “no it’s not fine,” because obviously she’s 1) a manipulative asshole or 2) they’re trying to create drama.
Who Wins? Unfortunately I gotta give it to Whitney. Romy is crying outside of a bar, and the girl crying outside of the bar always loses.

However, damn, I feel like Romi is READING MY MIND:

Scarlett, also, a woman after my own heart:

After this, I take a mini-nap and wake up to hear Rose screaming some nonsense about a diaper. Or rather not Rose, but a friend of Rose’s, who we’re pretty sure is Justin Beiber.

Lesbian Squabble #2: Lezbros Before Hos
In the Ring: Rose vs. Justin Bieber
How it Goes Down: Rose has to go home because she can’t stay out all night, munching vadge, when she’s got a vadge at home that’s neatly packaged in cute pink shorts. Justin, who’s only 15 and therefore knows nothing of the adult life of going out, thinks she should stay out all night. Justin asks if Natalie will be doing Rose’s diaper. That’s private, Justin. Good grief.
Who Wins? Natalie?

These Earrings Used to be Bracelets But I’m Secretly Really Crafty

Hay, Natalie’s earrings get screen time! Rose and Natalie have been together for about seven months. Natalie loves Rose. I want to fist Natalie’s earrings so bad, I can hardly stand it. I haven’t felt this way since the last time I saw Papi.

Rose comes home to her lady-love and their depressed dog.

This Dog Misses Girls Girls Girls

Rose’s voiceover announces that, since meeting Natalie and buying matching hats, she’s been behaving and avoiding the firecrackers that burn in her loins for other women, thank G-d.

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Part Seven: Whitney’s Got 99 Problems and a Bitch is Pretty Much All of Them

Give Up, And Admit You’re An Asshole

Back in Whitney’s Casa of Ill Repute, Scarlett & Whitney review “bad” text messages they’ve each received from Romy. Howevs, Whitney’s been texting Romy all night to apologize for the awkward situation, which seems like “mixed signals” to me. Ignore her, Whit-whit, then she’ll know you’re an asshole and move on.

Then Whitney calls Romy so that Romy can read her Lacey’s lines to Shane from the first episode of The L Word. In return, Whitney gets inexplicably emotional, saying that “she hates this” and then offering:

Whitney: “You deserve to be treated amazing, and you’re an amazing person, and I know that we’re gonna be great friends or whatever.”

Whitney explains her player style to the camera:

Whitney: “I don’t want anyone to get hurt, I really don’t. And I just wanna keep communication as open as possible.”

So girls, if Whitney has hurt you, feel free to communicate with her about it.

Alligator Tears Cried Over You

Whitney wants to know why Romy “walked away from her like that.” I think it was the cameras?

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Part Eight: Nikki & Jill Use Laptop Computers, Wear Sweaters

Someone Has Really Good Battery Life

Jill & Nikki have a routine in the morning that involves making coffee and sitting at the table on their laptops, looking at wedding dresses.  L.A. lesbians — they’re just like any ol’ suburban Detroit engaged couple, and therefore just like straight people and therefore just like everyone!

However, they’re not like ALL people ’cause, as Nikki puts it, “our marriage is not legalized by the state of California,” but that’s not gonna stop her from dropping a pretty penny on it.

Regardless, it’s nice to hear this issue raised and addressed so squarely! I hope they have more of this next episode.

Jill: I think [not being able to get legally married] is a tremendous injustice. Not being able to get married by law, it makes me incensed. But I’m sure as hell gonna call it a marriage so that’s what it is to me.

They’re Probs Reading Rachel’s Prop 8 Trial Recap

Nikki doesn’t wanna wear a dress because that’s too matchy. I fully support this. I think it looks cuter if one person is in pants and one in a dress. You can totally yell at me, or you can look at how cute Ellen & Portia were, and then ask yourself, “Is this what I want in my life? Do I want to be Ellen & Portia, or do I want to be me and my “best friend” at prom ’96?” Right. It’s just aesthetically pleasing.

Jill: You need to feel comfortable.
Nikki: And that’s why I’m looking up Dolce & Gababna and Gucci white suits —*
Jill: I just want you to keep an open mind.
Nikki: Look baby love — that’s sexy!
Jill: But is that wedding sexy?
Nikki: I’ll make it wedding-sexy! — I don’t wanna be like, we’re both in white dresses, and we’re like twins walking down the aisle. I’d like to complement one another.
Jill: If a suit is what you love then —
Nikki: I’m very self-conscious, I don’t wanna look like I have cleavage, like I have an ass on my chest!

*This wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because then I’d have overdrafted my bank account & maxed out my credit cards. That’s okay, right now Alex is making pictures of Clay Aiken acting out The Power of the Clam, Sarah is screencapping Jenny’s boobs, and Laneia just said, while searching for something in gmail she needs to find, “How could I have never have typed ‘Sarah’ and ‘boobs’ into an email with an attachment EVER?” — so if I’m going to be hungry and have a bad credit score, I can’t imagine a better way to do it.

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Part Nine: In Which The Real L Word is really good for about eight minutes straight.

Wake Up Filming Starts Today!

Tracy’s life is complicated now ’cause she’s in a relationship with Stamie, who has three kids and an ex-girlfriend, Julie, with whom Stamie shares joint custody.  Tracy says the relationship is “complicated” and I agree. So much so that I’d like to ask CAN Y’ALL JUST HAVE A SHOW? JUST HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING SHOW? I LOVE YOU ALL, I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. Actually, I wish everyone was a character in a scripted show. Why reality TV? Why does this exist? Writers write really interesting stories! Also, Stamie & Tracy have a cute dog.

Essentially, Tracy is in a relationship with everyone I like in this show: Stamie, the dog, as well as Stamie & Julie’s three children: Jagger, Daughtry and Nikos.  So jealous on so many levels.

Julie comes by to drop off the kids and have awesome convos with Stamie.

Lesbian Squabble #3: I Just Want Someone to Yell TINNAAAAAAAAAAA
In the Ring: Stamie vs. Julie

How it Goes Down: Julie suggests that Stamie leaves her coffee cup in the car, like Stamie leaves all her crap in the car. Stamie counters that she’ll just drive the car to Julie’s and leave it in her drivewa,y like Stamie always does, and  leave it “trashy” like Stamie always does.
Who Wins? Stamie hands down! For, “I’m going to leave my book in there. In the trunk. Is that okay? Is there enough space in there?”

So far, Stamie is my favorite character.

Stamie on Joint Custody: You break up with someone, and you’re like, “Have a good life. Talk to you in a few years,” you know? But when you break up with kids, you’re like “Hey let’s talk tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day,” because you have children together.

“Those kids have an abacus?” – Carly

I wonder how Stamie & Julie worked out joint custody. Is it a legal arrangement? So many interesting questions with fascinating answers, but instead 95% of the episode is spent at Truck Stop. Anyhoo. Let’s get back to Julie and Stamie outside negotiating something involving cars & little people.

Julie: Who’s high heels were those?
Stamie: Those are my high heels.
Julie: They were not.
Stamie: I wear high heels. I learned how to walk. I took a grace class and an etiquette class. Look —
Julie: They’re a little scuffed up.
Stamie: They’re gonna be polished, that’s why they’re in the car, jackass.

Laneia:“They would fuck in a second.”
Everyone: “Yep.”

Quote of the Week Award Goes to Stamie:

Stamie: It’s fine, it’s fine. What am I gonna do, sit in my house and cry that my relationship didn’t work out, and I have to raise three kids? Bullshit! My life is too short and my boobs are too big to lock ’em up in the valley.

Love.

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Part Ten: You Can’t Smize Under Those Sunglasses, Can You Mikey

Mikey explains what fashion week is. Her goal is to create the best LA Fashion Week that they’ve ever seen. She hates all the models, because they come from a foreign planet where agencies send models on go-sees without comp cards or books. Seriously. Where is Kelly Cutrone?

Carly: You have to see my Mikey impression. It’s amazing.

This is How You Make a Girl Cum the First Time You Have Sex

Mikey yells at someone about something. I yell at the TV about how this is clearly staged because no model would get an agent, let alone be called in for LA FASHION WEEK, without a fucking COMP CARD. No one, however, is as upset as Tyra.

Mikiva the Diva

Mikey says this is going to be a “disaster” because there are only three weeks ’til fashion week, and they just spent the day playing out a staged scenario regarding a fake modeling agency and fake models for Ilene Chaiken’s dog-and-pony-show. Luckily, there are like, 5 billion models vying for spots at LA Fashion Week/any jobs at all, so don’t worry! I know you were worried but I’m telling you: don’t worry.

Sara M.: I have a ton of styling comments, you guys. Mikey can’t dress herself, that’s the primary takeaway.
Carly: Mikey looks like she’s crying under her really giant sunglasses.

NEWS FLASH

[UPDATED Thursday June 24th 3pm – we’d previously reported that there is no “LA Fashion Week” — it stopped in ’08 — but apparently there is, sorta,  and — well — read on]

Guess what y’all? We decided to do a little research ’cause for realz this does not make sense that any major Fashion Week (the ones ppl pay attention to are in New York City, Paris and I believe Milan?) would actually be hard up for models. Basically there was a sort of loose consortium of fashion weeky events starting in the 90’s in LA coordinated by journalists, designers and marketers. This eventually became Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, which ended in 2008,  ’cause apparently the clothes sucked, not enough celebrities came, and nobody had money anymore.

But still, in March and October, producers like GenArt and Simply Stylist hold fashion events and it’s referred to as LA Fashion Week, or Fashion Week LA, but it’s not at all like the industry-standard weeks held in Paris, London & New York City.

One of these things that happens, for example, is a little something called LA Fashion WeekEND.

Guess who invented it?

Mikey Koffman.

Guess when she invented it?

2010.

Uh huh.
Her.

Guess what would have been interesting, at least mildly? The story of Mikey inventing LA Fashion Weekend and why she decided to do it and what aspects she hopes to bring from the NYC fashion weeks, etc. But instead, we have this stupid show.

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Part Eleven: Whitney Explains Pumps & Pants

Cooking the Books Without Emily Gould

Whitney, like many of us (seriously THIS IS THE WAY THAT WE LIVE), lives with like 2-6 roommates, one of whom is an ex-girlfriend, and one of whom is a guy, or maybe a dog, or a friend, or a kitchen sink, or someone from Sara’s band or something. Of course Sara has a band.

And of course Whitney has some lingo:

Whitney: “There’s pumps, and there’s pants. Myself and Taylor: pants. Sara: pumps. Pumps are the feminine girls, touch up the makeup before they go out, wear high heels even though you know that shit hurts. Pants? Know how to swing a hammer. They’re usually the ones in control.”

I think I must be a pumps, ’cause right now the other lesbians are making dinner, and I am in here writing the recap. But I don’t wear pumps. Maybe that just makes me the idiot.

Here’s basically how it works:

Julia: “Wait, pants and pumps? That’s what we’re calling them these days?”
Everyone: “GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.”
Riese: “This is like bush confidence redux.”

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Part Twelve: Rose’s Casa es Su Casa, Unless You’re Rose’s Mom

Aw, now it’s time to meet Rose’s cute family when Rose goes to her grandmother’s house to talk about ladies. Rose’s grandmother gets a little bit of that breast-to-mouth action straight away.

Really Though Can You Blame Her

Carly: This whole family is really touchy-feely.
Sarah M: Her aunt looks like Frida Kahlo.

Rose says there’s a huge “family feud” happening. Not the kind of Family Fued where you get to guess Things You Buy at the Beach while a washed up gameshow host faux-emotes nonsense at you, but the kind where Rose can’t come over when her Mom is around.

A Good Female is Hard to Find

Uncle Ray: “Once you have a good female, how you cater toward her is different. You cater to her. You don’t fuck around with your friends, you know what I’m saying… the thing I like about Natalie, she’s very family oriented.”

Rose drops that she has a restraining order against her ex-girlfriend, Angel, which I have 500 questions about. Instead let’s talk about Natalie and how Rose’s whole family wants them to be together. Natalie confirms this.

Uncle Ray has a lot of sage old advice, he’s like The Oracle of The Real L Word. I hope next week he tells Mikey to stick her head in a vacuum cleaner.

Uncle Ray: You’re in this world here for a little time. Make the best of it.
Natalie: Make a baby!
Rose: What?

While Rose probably debates which window in the house is best to jump out of, Natalie says she’d want their sperm donor to have “nice hair, good skin, not very many health issues and family history.” Proactiv is expensive so I’m glad she’s paying attention to skin quality, v.important in a child. I want my baby daddy to be just like Tila Tequila’s. Uncle Ray asks if she wants to be Octomom, which is the best idea I’ve heard since Octomom.

It’s Just Like My Relationship With Rufus the Bear

Uncle Ray seems to have a serious relationship with this white stuffed bear I won at the Ohio State Fair in the ’90s, which is probs how he understands Rose’s homogayness.

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Part Thirteen: But Mikey is Hungry NOW

BAKE ME A PIE WOMAN

Mikey is starving to death and cannot shove some Doritos down her piehole until Raquel comes home and prepares something best served on Pearl’s River Mart dishes on a bamboo placemat. Mikey thinks her skills are best employed by watching her girlfriend chop food.

Laneia: “If someone came in and said, ‘Where’s dinner,’ I would walk the fuck out.”
Riese: “I’d just make dinner.”

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Part Fourteen: Lesbians on Fiar

Whitney and her friends are having a fake conversation in the backyard bonfire about how Whitney has the power of the clam.

The Best part About This Scene is the Dog, and the Not-Skinny-Girl Visibility For a Change

The Power of the Clam is a magical power actually that Whitney has – that’s how she seduces ladies. I just want to make a really special announcement: PEOPLE DON’T ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THIS unless it’s with irony. All these “catchphrases”? Yeah, we use ’em now, AS JOKES. Thanks, Ilene.

Star Wars 69: The Power of the Clam

Riese: “Nipple confidence REDUX.”
Everyone: “GROANNNNN SHRIEK GAGGGG”

Hark! What’s that? Whitney’s roommate/friend/ex/hookup/earthmother/whatever announces that she has something profound to say to Whitney about her womanizing ways (false alarm: not profound):

Whitney’s Friend: “You date girls that are looking for relationships, you don’t date girls that are looking for a good time.”
Whitney: “What lesbian is looking for a good time? Tell me where she is.”
Whitney’s Friend: “You.”

This is probs very exciting to Whitney because you imagine that there is almost no one she’d want to make out with more than herself, like Megan Fox.

The outside group also uses this opportunity to explain how lesbian relationships move really quickly, so that the straight men and bored teeangers watching this show will understand that very important concept.

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What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs

Mikey’s already had a couple of cocktails. Just like your mother warned you, cocktails turn girls into irritating lesbians who want a 12-inch cock and their hand up their girlfriend’s skirt.

Sara M.: “Oh my god.”
Robin: “That is disgusting”
Carly:“Is she wearing a kimono?”

The Biggest Loser Still is Probs Me For Watching

Mikey is ready to pop and lock it with her 12-inch dick, and lures Raquel into the bedroom like so:

Mikey: “C’mon let’s go to bed, you can be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”

The duo joust in bed, and Raquel yells “What is your weight loss goal? What is it?” It’s actually quite hilarious and awesome.

Jess: “Wait, that was funny.”
Riese: “That was funny.”
Laneia & Julia: “Wait what WHAT?”
Jess: “She said “you be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”
Riese: “That’s the only good thing that’s happened.”
Laneia: “That’s the title of this post.”
Riese:“You be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner, and we’ll beat each other up until we both die.”

You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess, it’s a love story baby just say yes

Raquel says her story with Mikey is like the Romeo & Juliet story, which she seems to understand about as much as Taylor Swift does. On a scale of one to ten, I’d best liken this to the relationship between Ryan Reynolds & Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.

In Raquel’s special illustrated version of Romeo & Juliet, Romeo and Juliet “wake up, reconnect, and live their lives somewhere.”

Riese: “If I was her girlfriend, I would wake up and hit her in the face.”

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Part Fifteen: The Wedding Planners

And This is What I Do Once I Get All The Way Up Inside Her Uterus

Nikki & Jill meet with the wedding planner to talk about private estates, grand halls, and weddings. Nikki doesn’t even know where to begin with it. I’d begin with repealing Prop 8, and I’m pretty sure they would, too, but in the meantime because they’re both Jewish, they’d like to find a lovely Rabbi.

Riese: “A wonderful rabbi? That’s how Jewish they are — they have to find a wonderful rabbi — they don’t know one?”
Laneia: “A WONDERFUL rabbi!”

Nikki wants to spend more on the wedding than Jill because she’s been working hard all her life since she was 21 and moved here with $500 in her pocket and big dreams.

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Part Sixteen: All the Lesbians Go to Crown Bar

We are treated to a series of pre-going out confessionals regarding their plans for the evening, because if there’s one thing Ilene likes to do, it’s SET THE SCENE.

Here’s one scene we very much enjoy setting:

Carly: “Is this show just tracy in her underwear?”
Robin: “I’d rather just watch that.”
Sara M.: “That little shot of her right there is the highlight of the whole thing.”
Sarah C.: “These people are despicable human beings.”

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Lipstick Lesbians Are Just Like This

Laneia: “Oh! Kisses! Lipstick kisses!
Julia: “That’s how we put our lipstick on.”

OMG you guys you will NEVER GUESS how small the lesbian community is, it’s like EVERYONE IS LIKE going to like CROWN BAR, and omg, I hope that Rose doesn’t forget she has a girlfriend, I am SOOOO glad that Natalie just reminded her, and then omg, guess what, Whitney’s going to Crown Bar too! OMG AND TRACEY OMG OMG.

Sarah C.: “If this is what LA is like, I’m not fuckin’ going.”

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NOW WE’RE AT CROWN BAR YAY!

Whitney wants to go meet that hot girl over there at the bar. You know, Tracy. What did she notice first about Tracy? Her lean physique? Her flowing brown hair? THE CAMERA CREW FOLLOWING HER AROUND THE BAR?

Sometimes You Can Feel the Wind Blow in a Handshake

Riese: “So Whitney sees another girl at the bar with a camera in her face, and she just goes over and says, “I think we did a photoshoot together for the cast of this show!”
Carly: “Hey, my crew knows your crew, fancy that!”

Whitney & Tracy share a poorly edited conversation about where they live and something about tying up a string/sexswing between their two homes to communicate, just in case you know, someone gets voted off the island, and they never meet again.

Let’s see what’s happening with Girls Girls Girls.

Lesbian Squabble #4: My Fist’s So Weak If I could Lift Your Body
In the Ring: Natalie vs. Rose
How it Goes Down: Natalie is upset that Rose picked another girl up. Literally. Yes, this confused us too. Literally Rose lifted another girl into the air, and Natalie doesn’t like it. Rose says that it’s hard to be with girl after girl after girl and then just suddenly be with only ONE REALLY HOT GIRL.
Who Wins? Rose says it wouldn’t be okay with her for Natalie to give another girl a piggyback ride either, so I guess that means Natalie wins.

Meanwhile on the other side of the bar, Whitney calls Tracy over to where she’s sitting with Sara and Scarlett. Whitney calls Tracy “baby girl,” and Tracy asks if Whitney is there with Sara (or if they are girlfriends), and Whitney is vague about it. This upsets Sara, but not nearly as much as the whole set-up upsets us.

You know what’s amazing though? When Tracy (and her camera crew) saunter over to where Whitney’s hanging out, you can see Whitney’s boom guy on a nearby bench jetting for it.

Tracy joins Whitney, Sara and Scarlet and strikes up a fascinating conversation.

Whitney: Are you a smoker?
Tracy: I’m not.
Whitney: I quit smoking for two years.
Tracy: You did? I quit coffee for two years.
Whitney: You did?
Tracy: But that didn’t last.
Whitney: I love coffee. So you’re onto coffee.
Tracy: Yeah that’s my vice.
Whitney: So good, we should go get coffee, and I won’t smoke a cigarette during it.
Tracy: Alright.

I can’t believe that the producers created this entire scenario but nobody can come up with a better thing for Tracy and Whitney to have in common besides “liking coffee.” Well, that’s the Ilene Chaiken magic, ain’t it?

Probs I’d Prefer for Sara & Whitney to take it outside so I Could Be Alone with Scarlett and Tracy Who I Like a Lot Better

After Whitney & Tracy schedule their super exciting upcoming coffee date (the lamest kinds of dates ever), Sara is understandably upset. So she heads to the bathroom to do heroin. JK. That would be way too interesting.

The camera people loom outside the bathroom, checking for monsters under the bed.

Since We’re In Here Anyway Can I Pee or Would That Be Weird

Robin: “OH MY GOD THEY’RE GONNA HAVE AN ARGUMENT IN THE BATHROOM STAAAALL!”
Sarah C: “That’s not what you do in the bathroom stall, ladies.”

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So they take it outside…

Lesbian Squabble #5: This is It
In the Ring: Whitney vs. Sara
How it Goes Down: Sara flew all the way to Los Angeles to hang out with Whitney, and then Whitney’s tattoo crawled up Whitney’s arm and ate Sara’s face off, giving Sara scabies, rabies, and mumps. Then Whitney talked to another girl being followed around by a camera who doesn’t seem like she really wants to be on camera, which makes Sara jealous, ’cause she did not fly all the way here and put on those cute white pants just to be ignored.

Riese: “Why are they fighting?”
Laneia: “It’s that fucking Edward Cullen collar she’s rocking.”
Julia: “It’s very Edward Cullen.”
Riese: “Is that a Twilight reference?”
Laneia: “Look at her! She’s like, dying to bite her right now.”
Julia: “That would make this so much more entertaining. Let’s just combine Twilight and The Real L Word!”
Laneia: “Oh my god! And they would actually eat them! But not like on Buffy,where things are funny afterwards.”
Riese: “It would be like, “I like girls, and sometimes I have to kill them.”

The fight is basically bad improv, but let’s continue.

Sara: I said I wasn’t into it, not that I wasn’t into YOU. I’m into you 100%. There’s no like percentage left out of that. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation at hand.

[ILLUSTRATED]:

Whitney: What situation?
Sara: Like I’m holding you back!
Whitney: What are you holding me back from?
Sara: I don’t fucking know! I just don’t want you (??!) and that makes me feel uneasy.
Whitney: That is not my fucking type, and regardless of any type I have, I’m telling you that I like you. So if you don’t —
Sara: Come here to me, okay?
Whitney: If I could just read your mind and just know. You don’t need to read my mind because I’m telling you what’s going on.

Then Whitney says something generic about putting up walls, not wanting to be vulnerable, and the fear of getting hurt, which we already learned on A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila so OLD NEWS!

Who Wins: I bet this was good publicity for Crown Bar.

Laneia: “WHY IS THIS SO TERRIBLE?! BLAALALALHAGHHLALALAAAGH! Like, no one has
a bike shop to go to?”
Riese: “Wait, a bike shop?”
Laneia:“Yeah, a bike shop would be more interesting than this.”
Julia: “But what made you think of a bike shop?!”

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Part Fifteen: All the Lesbians Go Home And Have Sexytime

Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: Sponsored by Enya or EZ Girl
The Players: Whitney & Sara, Rose & Natalie
The Pick-Up: Probably something unbearably cheesy/dramatic.

Hot or Not? Is there anything hotter than a series of watered-down push slides, followed by a shot of foliage climbing a wall with breathy voiceovers emoting “you are so fucking sexy,” “you’re really good at this,” “you made me cum”?

Yes. A Burger King Commercial.

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Whitney says that last night’s fingerblasting session with Sara wasn’t just sex; it was more than that. Now it’s a bad soft-core love scene that can be available and replayed on the internet forever and ever.

Keep Me Warm While I’m Still Here

Because Sara’s leaving for San Francisco today, Whitney is going to stay in bed and protest. Like John Lennon & Yoko Ono did to promote world peace, except all she’s prolonging is um, the running time of the show.

Instead of promoting World Peace, they’re promoting the love they may or may not feel for one another, which may or may not matter, JK, it won’t.

Julia: “Wait, she puts her bra on backwards??”
Riese: “Yeah.”
Julia: “Do people do that?”
Riese: “Yes!”

Before we wrap up this compelling piece of musical theater, we get one more tidbit from Whitney the Wise.

Whitney: “Lust is easy for me, love is hard. Lust is exciting. Love is scary.”

Thanks Whitney, I’m sure Kate Gosselin and Lauren Conrad would agree with you there.

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Whitney then takes Sara to the airport while talking nonsense about love.

Then Whitney drives around and picks up another girl, which is sort of amazing.

Similar Features, But Longer Hair

For the first time in the whole show, I’m very impressed with Whitney that she was able to coordinate drop-off and pick-up times so well. I mean seriously. It’s almost like something that you can’t imagine actually happening in real life. You know what that is!

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At the end, I missed characters I believed in — however briefly. I want to see one human soul. By the end of The L Word’s premiere I was ready to cut my heart open and prepare it for TINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Suzanna: “Are you saying that the L word was more real than the Real L Word?”
Riese: “Yes!”
Suzanna: “If this were real, they’d all be saying, “I miss Shane.”

The scenes from the rest of the season frighten me, much like the scenes from The Real World’s second New Orleans cast which I saw last week and from which I have barely recovered.

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