“It hasn’t even started yet and I already hate it.”
-my notes
I’m not gonna lie, I woke up this morning with that unidentified pre-consciousness sick feeling in my stomach — you know the one. What is this mysterious pit? Did I have a bad dream? Did something terrible happen yesterday? (The ideal answer is that something terrible happened in a bad dream.)
After a quick scan of “the top of my head” I identified that knotted pit in my gut as, in fact, the knowledge that in order to write this recap, I’d have to re-watch what was honestly one of the most ridiculous hours of television I’ve witnessed in my entire life. And I’ve seen every episode of The Real L Word Season One. Twice.
This week The Real L Word was like a lunch-time bachelorette party at The Olive Garden with penis-shaped drink stirrers and lots of virgin strawberry daiquiris during which all the lesbians at the table are whacked over the head with a dead fish or a signed copy of Tucker Max’s bestselling tome “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” and then thrown into a cold lake of Alginate.
Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version:
We open at Kacy & Cori’s sweet hammock of motherly love x2, where the girls are waking up and, of course, talking about sperm.
hey guys? when you have the baby, you'll still love me right? like just as much?
See, the sperm’s here — all hail the mighty sperm — and after setting it on their mantle surrounded by Votive Candles, Cori’s gotta go pee on a stick to evaluate her ovulation levels a.k.a. Pregnancy Readiness.
isn't the female reproductive system fascinating? the kids at home will love this!
Alas Cori’s not ovulating and therefore won’t be getting the hot beef/sperm injection today. Kacy’s cranking up the adorable by bending over and talking to Cori’s barren stomach which probably would prefer a Pop Tart to a baby at this point.
i am the eggman
OH DEAR LORD HAVE MERCY. Smack dab in the middle of the Penis Party Episode, we’ve got a father deathaniversary which, to me (because, as I’ve likely mentioned before, I too have an annual father deathaniversary, which I’m mentioning again because it takes up the screen-space where I could write about the actual scene therefore giving the illusion of a full recap without me having to attack my feeble emotional resources) is about 75% as much fun as a bikini wax (seriously I really can’t talk about this scene or transcribe any dialogue).
Romi and her mom look at a photo album of photos of Romi's father
So! Romi’s gotta spend this depressing holiday on camera, wiping her tears away. We learn that Romi got married a few years ago to guy from her church who she implies was also gay. They married right before her father got sick so at least he got to walk her down the aisle while she was still legally permitted to do so.
romi at her wedding, dancing with her father
See Romi’s got a lot of layers of foundation but also layers of personality traits which are all wrapped tightly around a pretty strong core. Romi’s life often isn’t what she wants it to be because she doesn’t trust people (they always disappoint her) but she doesn’t want to be alone and she’s quick to fall in love. That’s a lot of shit going on.
romi and her mom hug
We return to our Dubious Lovebird Loveshack where Sajdah’s preparing heart-shaped waffles, some kind of omelette/frittata situation and, it appears, fresh-squeezed orange juice. What’s the occasion, Saj?
Sajdah: “Today’s Day 30¹ [of our relationship] and our birthday is January 30 and I’m starting to think 30 might be our number. “
You know, “your number.” It’s that thing you pick out after you pick out your song.
I'm iruneeng veffffles und jooeecing sume-a jooeece-a! Børk! Børk! Børk!
So it’s been 30 entire days and Sajdah, who just learned about masturbation last October and probably still isn’t doing it right, is more than ready to butch bottom her way down the river on a raft of Chanel’s vaginal fluids so she’s pulling out all the stops.
Sajdah presents her Breakfast Spread and — whopeee! — another Anias Nin quality entry in the Magic Journal in which Sajdah waxes poetic about the “ups and downs” of the last 30 days.
the book of "life"
This relationship would be more believable if it was set at summer camp. You know how you’d have a camp girlfriend/boyfriend and even though it was just a week, it was like, the most PASSIONATE WEEK OF YOUR LIFE?
and that's where i made a rough sketch of what our first baby will look like
Sajdah: “We just got our test results and there’s only one way to celebrate a good bill of health, and that’s with sex.”
I prefer a brisk jog or a three-day bender, but she’ll take what she can get here. Probably yesterday she was like “We just got our pizza in 20 minutes or less and there’s only one way to celebrate a timely pizza, and that’s with sex.” And then Marissa was like:
preach
Claire gets to Francine’s to see all her stuff’s been thrown onto the lawn, which confuses Claire because everything bad that ever happened is Francine’s fault so why is Claire being punished for just being honest and wanting things to be nice.
that guy's still waiting for his ride
Claire is dressed in a sleeveless pale-green hoodie, flip-flops and cargo capri pants, which makes her look like a Valley Girl who just got voted off the island. But in a good way.
dude, i could bone like 30 more chicks today, whatever, her loss, fucking loser
“Francine is a loser,” Claire repeats, reminding us all who’s boss.
Claire: “She’s got dirty now. Like she’s taking this to the level of filth in my opinion.”
EXCELLENT! JUST AS WE WERE PROMISED BY THIS PROVOCATIVE PROMOTIONAL POSTER!
Back in The Newly Co-Ed Den of Sinful Mixed Messages, Ilene Chaiken has found another way to get penises into this episode vis a vis Whitney, who has heaps of free time because nobody’s talking about Sara this episode. Whitney’s hatched a plan to help Cori & Kacy get preggers “the natural way.” Obviously this involves a penis, which is the Superior Method of Conception.
suddenly this is like 101 Dalmatians
Whitney: “I was like, is there a strap-on that like, blows a load? Like, I don’t know if there is. Cori and Kacy told me that you know, they’d been looking for a tool that could potentially be the inseminator. And they can’t find anything! I can’t believe we’re at a time — it’s 2011 — and there is nothing to use for lesbians. Or even if there is, I think we could make a better one.”
But of course they need a penis model and think immediately of Whitney’s bro/best friend, Caes. He has a “donkey dong” or something. Let’s call him! Lesbians and straight men – they can talk about pussy and penises all day! She’s certain he’ll rise to the challenge HAHAHAH!
it's like the difference between regular gatorade and extreme gatorade
Before we get any further into this storyline, let’s take a big TIMEOUT. Let me preface by saying I could be totally confused and wrong here, I’m not a gynecologist, maybe I’m missing something but from where I sit —
AHEM.
Jesus fucking Christ on a Cracker, this hijink knocks LA Fashion Week right outta the ballpark. The whole scenario is premised on an asinine pile of half-baked ideas and faulty logic, I’m actually insulted and/or confused that this steaming pile of shitstory is being served to us — three possibilities present themselves:
1. This show is for stupid people
2. The person who makes this show thinks all its viewers are stupid people
3. This show is for men who really need to stick their penis into it
So:
1. In order to squirt sperm out a prosthetic penis “the natural way” (Whitney/Alyssa’s specialty, as Alginate is the unsung hero of sex toys), one would first have to insert the sperm inside oneself. Right? So riddle me that, Batman.
OR one would have to find some kind of fantastic technological contraption to somehow make this happen somewhere between the head of the dildo and the wearer.
1a. Therefore, they need some kind of Inventor or Technological Person to figure this out, NOT a special effects team. That’s a different straight guy:
2. Let’s say that such a squirt is somehow possible, because I mean, Who Killed Jenny, am I right? We’ve got no idea where the jizz is gestating so in the interest of cutting to the chase, this product does, more or less, already exist!
2a. The Pee-Cock is one of many prosthetic devices intended for usage by trans guys or I guess anyone who wants to be able to pee standing up. I believe Max ordered one in the mail at some point? There’s lots of these but most of them aren’t suitable for sex but again, we’re already in the wilds of improbability, what’s another mile. There’s heaps of additional marvelous technological advancements on this website.
(Ilene I know you get hives just thinking about trans people and you practically ran a one-woman pro-transphobia campaign with your little teevee show, but just do me a solid, mmk?)
2b. Why would you need a REAL LIVE MAN’S PENIS to be your mold? It’s not Ancient Egypt, we have science now, shit does not need to get that complicated. Here. Here’s your model:
TA-DA!
3. If “pressing a button” is satisfactory to Kacy, then why not use a syringe to perform an at-home insemination?
4. If we acknowledge the inherent impossibility of The Sperm actually coming out of Kacy’s strap-on as the sperm is not inside Kacy, then we must conclude that this object is meant to be handled independently of the vadge area. So she’d just be using it like a standalone dildo, more or less, which only qualifies as ‘the natural way’ if you think everything in life has to involve a penis. WHICH APPARENTLY THIS EPISODE DOES.
ETA 6.14.2011: My purpose here is to comment on the story and characters presented to us by the show creators, not the actual lives behind them (which are none of my business/interest), but, if you’re interested in the ACTUAL Real-Life circumstances surrounding this creation rather than the sort of confusing crafts anatomy show presented to us on-screen, Real-For-Reals-Real Alyssa has shared the following:
+ She could not mold a dildo because that is copyright infringement.
+ She and Whitney “worked very closely with he advice of several fertility doctors to make sure I was designing something safe and potentially effective.”
+ She and Whitney did extensive research and found nothing designed for this purpose.
+ “There are several clients of ours that were really enthusiastic and hopeful that we could possibly create something they could maybe try using at home if they chose that route.”
+ “Ejaculating dildos would not work because the transfer method is not sterile.”
So there you go! Isn’t that like a kabillion times more interesting than what we saw on the show?! I would much rather watch an hour-long TLC special on the actual creation of this Inseminator — the research, the conversation with doctors, etc — than I would watch another episode of TRLW.
Furthermore, even within the context of this episode — the fact that Whitney & Alyssa did go through these other options (didlo, ejaculating dildo, etc) before having to resort to making a model of an actual penis makes that scene itself much more compelling/interesting. That’d be a story with an arc and stuff. But whatever, clearly if my ideas about stories were any good, I would have a job I didn’t have to create myself and probably paid off my credit card bills by now.
BACK TO THE PROGRAM!
Soooo anyway, Whitney calls Caes (where does she meet these people with these names, Romulus?) to ask him to be an inseminator and he’s like “yeah sure,” he doesn’t need details ’cause those were on the breakdowns the producer gave him earlier.
let's hear it for the boys
Whitney’s gamely summoning imaginary energy for this imaginary project, basically Whitney is going to change gynecology forever!
little did you know, she also has two medical degrees
Romi and Rachel are heading to Las Vegas for the Magic Fashionshow to Sell Lines. As they wait for their chariot, the girls gab about Rachel fucking Whitney and Kelsey ruining Romi’s life.
thank god someone remembered the fedora at the last minute
Will Romi & Rachel do sex? No.
Rachel: “We’re really good friends now and it’s just a friendship.”
Romi says “long story short” and then starts talking really slowly and saying “like” a lot. Rachel describes Romi’s relationship with Kelsey as Romi being “the caretaker of a 23-year-old child” which is just, you know, mean.
so i'm going to vegas, 'cause most of the people there are straight
Sajdah needed a way to break Chanel’s hymen prior to the sexual situation and after spending some time considering the pros and cons of tampons, has settled on horseback riding.
ride the pony
I thought I missed Michael Scott a bunch during the last three episodes of The Office but I miss him much more during this episode.
Sajdah: “I’m taking really good care of Chanel now in hopes of her taking really good care of me later.”
Chanel: “You’re my genie, I’m rubbing the lamp.”
Sajdah: “Hopefully she’ll enjoy [my other surprises] as much as she enjoyed this one.”
Chanel: (riding the horse) “HAY!!! I GOT THE RHYTHM!”
Can we just appreciate the complete bizarre randomness of this field trip to the “Rainbow Ranch”? It’s so benignly absurd that I can’t help but love it.
I hope Chanel is saving at least one orgasm for later!
Hey DUDE
Now it’s time to return to the Mega-Clean Boudoir, where Sajdah, because she is, as aforementioned, akin to a 13-year-old boy in her romantic aspirations, has lit all the cliches on fire. This bedroom looks sort of depressing though, can’t Chanel paint a giant heart on the wall or some puppies.
don't forget the hospital corners
Sajdah: “Though after a long day of horseback riding, I wanna make sure my girl feels good, so I’m going to give her a full body massage.”
Because nothing’s more entertaining than watching a nice, good, well-meaning individual execute the most time-intensive way of copping a feel. Not that I haven’t done this myself, but unlike Sajdah, I have professional training. So.
Here sajdah executes the secret Esalen technique of "vigorous inner thigh rub."
Sajdah: “I’m not a masseuse. I’m just taking this opportunity to rub all over Chanel. Hopefully I’ll rub her the right way.”
Chanel: “It was not the best massage. It definitely had more motives behind it.”
At this point in the episode I started screaming because it was so cheesy and clothes were coming off. I blacked out when Sajdah started talking about her mind, body and soul “quivering” like crazy.
¹Also known as “one month.”
Back on Sperm Street, Cori’s not ovulating yet, which’s bad news ’cause I’d like this bitch to get knocked up already so we can move on to learning about their jobs, relationship, favorite colors, etc.
yup this is an ovulation stick
Cori interviews that she’s suddenly “obsessed” with talking about the pregnancy whereas before she was not. Kacy, a regular Dapper Q, manages to balance “sharing Cori’s pain” and “comforting Cori’s fear” with unrivaled aplomb. “Best Butch on the Block” two weeks in a row, that one!
did not sign the nudity release
“I don’t wanna go through this with anyone else but you,” Cori tells Kacy. Thank God because I think they’re on the same lease.
Back in Sin City where the girls are gonna (pick one!!!):
a) go pick up chicks and have hot naked sex
b) worry about and look for a straight male friend with a curious moustache
c) work
what if that blowdryer was a dustbuster, what then
Mull it over.
pretty party
Guess who’s gonna be at the Convention!?!
THIS GUY!
Drew reps a fashion line for other men who resemble 90s Nintendo Characters.
i can't wait to see what they come up with for DUCK HUNT
However today Drew’s gone off-brand with that Atari shirt:
dude, does that say that rosie o'donnell and tracy kachtick-anders broke up? major bummer, dude
Romi and Drew are still fighting ’cause of whatever insipid petty phone-fight happened last week/episode.
Romi: “We fight because we’re so much alike, you know, I’m so fucking stubborn.”
Romi, panicked as a poodle in a tunic and a Geordi Laforge Visor reinvented as a headpiece, knows she has to do her job and make a good impression to put food on the table for her and Kelsey but she can’t stop thinking about Drew. Drew is ostensibly ignoring her but he’s also giving the camera crew a solo interview, so, mixed messages.
work or drama. work or drama. work... or drama?
Romi really needs him today. Forever’s gonna start today, forever’s gonna start to– once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart, nothing I can do but watch Drew walk around for the rest of the day.
So Claire emailed Whitney re: participating in her Lesbian Magazine Photoshoot and Whitney’s not gonna lie:
Whitney: “I’m a little taken aback because you know, I couldn’t help but remember that just a few days earlier she was fighting with a friend of mine.”
AHEM, not that either party exited cleanly from that throw-down, but didn’t Whitney’s friend start it? Also, does Whitney use The L Word perfume? [see below] I swear they make that shit on CafePress.
what i want is for the sperm to squirt out of the inseminator much like the hot sauce is squirting out of this wrap into the back of my throat, where it's co-mingling with sara's love juice
Anyhow, enough lesbian drama, let’s get down to the man-meat of the situation — namely some more discussion of Caes’s penis!
Whitney: “I don’t understand how he’s gonna get hard, how he’s gonna stay hard, and how he’s gonna stay hard when we put very cold goo on him.”
I hope all you fellows at home are paying attention to a lesbian talking about keeping your dick hard. You could make that your ringtone.
Caes will bring his girlfriend to be the “fluffer.” Guess what his girlfriend’s name is?
not really
Claire’s lounging on the couch in jeggings like a pretty girl in a Brett Easton Ellis novel.
i didn't feed on her or have sex with her i promise
Now that Francine’s out of the picture (literally and figuratively — she’s not in this episode), Vivian’s secured her top spot in Claire’s heart. This doesn’t stop Claire from whining to her girlfriend about her ex-girlfriend, however:
Claire: “She just wants to make a fool out of me every chance she gets. She won’t stand up for me, she can’t even house my things without throwing them out like garbage.”
If you’re wondering what Claire sees in Vivian besides her hotness and smartness, here it is:
Claire: “Vivian has found a way to calm me and somehow keeps my brattiness to a minimum.”
Claire’s now ‘begging’ Vivian to come visit her, ideally in a sexy outfit from Victoria’s Secret.
Claire: “You’re wanted, I want you to come visit. I’m so lost without you, do you see what’s happening to me?“
Exactly! Nothing is happening to her! Claire needs to speak to a real-live person stat. They can work on the photo shoot together! It’s like a bizness trip. Vivian is a stylist! It doesn’t even matter that nobody’s agreed to DO the shoot, Vivian will make it perfect:
I could make fun of this except that I do the exact same thing. Like… I can’t even. That’s what it’s like to date a lesbian online magazine website maven, children. Always doing their stuff.
I don’t want you to interpret my brief coverage of the boy-centric scenes as representative of their brief inclusion in the episode. Assume Episode Time: Recap Time is like 5 : 1 in these cases.
SO! This scene’s about how much Romi loves Drew. He’s ignoring her, she’s got an apple-bottomed ring and an Aladdin headband and as far as I can tell is ready to rock except for Drew being all Drewy.
much like straight woman, the wild lesbian can often be observed obsessing over a man
Romi: “I’m just bawling like a little bitch because Drew’s love is the closest love I can find to my father.”
Luckily they reunite, which is good news for them but seems like it should be bad news for The Lines they are Repping at The Convention.
bear hug
They joke and jive with one another like two birds on a wire.
It's Cool, I look good, you all look fake and crazy
They reunite. Raise your hand if you care about Romi’s friendship with Drew or if you can see how Drew moves Romi’s storyline forward. If we were all in the same room I suspect a Pterodactyl could fly through and we’d all keep our limbs.
So, back to Sajdah’s Sex Palace, where Sajdah is talking to her Mom on the phone and Chanel is putting on her makeup. What for? Where are they going? Who cares? What matters is Sajdah’s Mom, who gets seven kinds of super just this minute.
Mom: “I just can’t even imagine [you two showering together] now. I don’t want to know either, I don’t want to imagine.”
Sajdah: “I tried the other and I didn’t like it as much.”
Mom: “Because you’re masculine. Well, why you couldn’t be a lipstick lesbian instead of a soft stud?”
Sajdah: “Who taught you those words?”
Mom: “Why’d you have to be the boy? That’s what they taught me at work. When I showed them your picture, these girls that I knew that was gay, when I showed them your picture they said ‘that’s a soft stud. I was like, WHAT?”
Sajdah: “Chanel, am I a soft stud?”
Chanel: “You’re not a soft stud!”
Mom: “Chanel, are you a lipstick lesbian? If I may ask.”
Chanel: “I thought I was a soft stud.”
Mom: “You don’t sound like no soft stud, honey.”
Sajdah: “The only thing even remotely stud about her is that she’s a top!”
Mom: “A what?”
Sajdah: “It’s like either you’re a top or a bottom, like the top gives and the bottom receives… like for you, Big Greg would be a top and you’re the bottom.”
Mom: “No, I ain’t on the bottom of nothing. You ain’t pulling my hair out. No, I ain’t on the bottom of nothing.”
Mom: “How do you do the scissors?”
Sajdah: “Both of our legs open up like scissors and then she puts hers on top of mine.”
Mom: “On top of your legs or knees you mean?
Sajdah: “Nah, it’s clit to clit!”
Mom: “How you do clit to clit, Toffee?”
Sajdah: “I told you. You know how I sit like take your fingers and make two peace signs and then turn one of ’em sideways and then put them together!”
Mom: “Oh let me figure this out. Y’all being nasty with a Y. I didn’t raise you to be nasty like that, child. I’m at work, I can’t mess with y’all. That’s my lesson for the day on um, gay stuff.”
Mmmk. Forget Mom, look how much Sajdah learned about sex on her very first day ! It’s a 30-Dayinversary Miracle!
Back in Las Vegas, Romi’s trying to network without drinking, which is difficult, and Kelsey’s texting her in need of attention. Why?
womp WOMP
Romi, eyes already cocked in that “woman, you fix your own self” scowl, dips outside to comfort/further depress Kelsey.
Well Romi can tell you what Kelsey’s NOT DOING vis a vis what Romi is not doing:
Romi: “I’m thinking to myself like why does she keep getting fired? And I feel bad for her and I can see that she’s beating herself up.”
Okay, just to talk about myself for a minute, there was an unfortunate stretch of time in mid-to-late 2004 where I got fired more than once — actually I don’t wanna talk about myself anymore. My favorite thing to do in Las Vegas is go to the buffets.
Back in the Ovulation Station, Cori’s chilling on the couch, waiting to ovulate and talking about sperm. Other topics include sperm, how to get sperm inside a lady and an upcoming visit from Mom. Kacy organizes the couch pillows. “I can tell you’re nervous,” says Cori.
Kacy: “THESE PILLOWS DON’T EVEN MATCH!”
Cori: “I know that you really wanted to like, push it in, and I know that’s important to you because you feel so outside of this process but I feel like I’m gonna be up there staring at the ceiling and for me I would love to have you up there with me, holding my hand.”
Kacy agrees ’cause these two have a good relationship and never fight.
if only this pillow was an infant
Today my executive editor Laneia, who watched The Real L Word along with me last year as was documented in our HILARIOUS recaps and who is not watching with me this year because I’m not buying Showtime for anyone this year, downloaded a pirated episode this morning so she could see what all my crying was about.
So as I was attempting to assemble this brilliant recap, Laneia was providing me periodic updates of her viewing experience.
This is her story.
We return to Claire’s Boudior, where she’s having another enthralling phone conversation, this time with her sister. Claire’s childhood is really gonna surprise you:
Claire: “I have two older sisters, I’m the baby of the family. Uh my older sister Rachel would describe me as the most spoiled one of the family. I kinda got away with murder, I still get away with murder.”
because after this show airs you will be up shit creek without a yacht
Everyone in Claire’s family loves Vivian. I think Urban Outfitters made a t-shirt about that. Claire’s totally gonna make it work, dude!
Parting words from the sister:
Laneia: Claire is like a blonde, tanned dude in a polo shirt w/ a popped collar and khakis and loafers, unironically, but she’s a girl.
We cut to the Hospital, where Cori is on a table and Kacy is standing next to her, talking about sperm. Let’s just go for it. Let’s just get that hot manjuice into somebody’s secret box.
this is cute seriously
Cori’s got her legs up and her feet cocked and Kacy wants to take a picture ’cause they’re lesbians and that’s what lesbians do.
smile you're not wearing pants
Cori: “I can’t believe we’re here”
Me neither! This is boring!
We return to the Palace of Penis-Worship, where Caes and his penis have arrived to save the day for the lesbian couple who are already getting inseminated at the hospital.
your dong has arrived
Caes’ fluffer girlfriend (she got a lower third, Robin Roemer didn’t, just saying), Whitney, is in the house:
potato, po-tah-to
Furthermore, the poor man’s Whitney is in town:
this is just a really confusing evening for whitney
Caes is a special kind of straight man who is “completely open to the experience of us handling his dick, and incredibly excited about the idea of lesbians all over the world using his private parts to get pregnant.”
surprise!!!!
To be fair, Caes seems like a sweet guy and this is a funny scene — but I can’t appreciate it outside of the context of this being a show advertised in Argentina as “the show for women that every man will want to watch.”
do the humpty-hump
See, there’s a lonely lesbian in the Midwest for whom this show is her only hour-long real queer power hour. This show, sadly enough, is her only respite from the co-ed universe.
Men are fantastic creatures of course and I enjoy watching men make jokes with their penises on a variety of television programs but This is Our Lesbian Show. And the fact that so much of this episode was wrapped up in this straight-male-penis situation felt like, for lack of a better analogy, a complete slap in the face.
alyssa does an amazing funny voice in this scene
this part was also in the voice
So, Caes and his girlfriend frolic off to have sex in the other room to get Caes’s penis ready for the mold. So we hear straight sex noises as Whitney creeps around the bedroom, listening to Caes’s moans and grunts. Why would any lesbian who isn’t BFFs with Caes want to hear this?
Once Caes gets hard, he then runs from the bedroom into the kitchen to stick his penis in the plaster, but it keeps getting limp, so he’s gotta return to the sex and its respective sex noises.
Rinse, wash, repeat.
Caes to his girlfriend: “I have a roomful of girls out there waiting on this dick.”
The show splices this up with some clips of Whitney talking about awkward things and penises and what we’ve got here is an episode of Big Brother After Dark.
because of all the holes, that is definitely the worst hole
Thanks for the close-up:
seriously guys this is not how babies are made
Whitney compares “keeping the dick hard” to “like aging fine wine.” Okay now she’s just reading this shit on coasters, right? Keeping a dick hard is the opposite of aging fine wine. Christ, whatever! Awkward!
In conclusion:
Romi’s sent Rachel home with her boss so she can be alone in the car with Drew for The Roast of Kelsey Chavarria.
and then i said, what do you mean i have a zig-zag on my hat. you have a zig-zag on YOUR hat!
Romi’s debating following her overall emotional state (to be standoffish and irritated with Kelsey) over her True Heart’s Desire (neverending love).
Drew: “She can [pick herself up]! People take their hits in life and then they get up and move forward.”
Romi: “That’s what I said!”
Drew: “You don’t sit and cry for two days she should be out there looking for a job, shit!”
Romi: “That’s what I said!”
Obviously, I’m in agreement and would be out there looking for a job, shit. But if Kelsey wants to spend one post-firing day drinking Dr.Pepper & Malibu while watching Family Guy marathons and maybe buying some knives off an infomercial at 3am? Let the woman have her peace.
Romi: “I know who I am, I know what I want, and Kelsey is the opposite. She needs somebody to guide her. She needs someone to direct her and that’s part of growing up.”
Drew suggests she let Kelsey hit rock bottom as it’s “the only way she’s gonna learn.” Okay Mr.Interventionist. It’s like The Wire and Drew is Barksdale and Kelsey is Wallace and Romi is Bodie. You follow? Also “murder” is “breakup.”
Back at Romi’s Resort, Kelsey’s spent the day on craigslist “printing things out” and doing the 2011-equivalent of “pounding the pavement.” So what now, Crafty Cake?
snow-cap + hoodie = campfire love
Romi doesn’t know how to feel/act, bla bla bla:
and then i was thinking about how we never have sex!
OH THANK GOD back to Sir Mix-a-Lot-of-Stuff-Around-His-Penis! Are you ready for your closeup, because I think Caes’s penis is.
i was told this was a safe space
Hahahaha he can’t keep his dick hard LOL! Guess he’s gonna have to keep it up himself! I bet you thought you wouldn’t get to see a cisgender dude jerk off on this show but SURPRISE!
Hahaha they finally got it to stay omg yay!
lesbian blow job face
Whitney: “Caes, I am holding your dick right now.”
even better than the real thing
And then — ’cause we’ve not seen enough private parts this week — Caes whips off his towel, providing us with a full frontal! The girls laugh. They’re lesbians! Lesbians laugh and are obsessed with penises and the things that come out of them! Yay!
thank god for photoshop
This goes on for forty years too long. Puppies, sing my song of sorrow:
Cori and Kacy are heading back to the doctor — sidenote, I love how Cori/Kacy don’t even address this object that Whitney’s allegedly making for them (because she’s not! It’s just a stupid thing to get a penis into the show!) — when they get a phone call from the gyno: the second specimen died in the transmorgaphier overnight or something and now can’t blast off into outer space/vadgeggland.
just take me to jack-in-the-box ok
Kacy hugs Cori as Cori bawls and says, “it’s ok, it’s gonna be okay,” and I gotta tell you, right now, after all of that, I wish Kacy could hug me and tell me it’s gonna be okay.
What do you think, Marissa?
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
First: thank you for preventing me from having to watch this show myself. I understand that you’re taking one for the team, here, and I appreciate it.
Second: THANK YOU for tying Michael Scott into this. If I were ever middle management, I’d want to be him.
I feel like it would be interesting to have a parallel column from someone who actually likes the show…
best of luck finding one…
I love these recaps, they are FAR more interesting/entertaining/funny/REAL than the actual show. Seriously.
*moving this comment to here cause more relevant
I’m sure they are very lovely people but I must admit, Kacy&Cori are my least favorite (and thats saying something) characters on the real l word. Honestly I hadn’t even bother to learn their names up to this point and sort of mentally referred to them as the borings. Why do they only talk about sperm and pregnancy? Isn’t one of the highlights of lesbianism not having to think about sperm or getting pregnant? It’s just suhhhh boring. Suhh. Suh. Boring. And when they do get pregnant that’s all they will talk about because that’s what pregnant people do and I hate it. Then they’ll finally pop out the spawn and all they will talk about it pooping and peeing and whoopsies look he just turned over. Ugh. I can’t.
I’m sorry pleasant lesbian couple, but I have no fucks to be given about sperm, insemination, pregnancy, and babies.
That’s the point of all the jokes, Chloe–that they are real people who have jobs, social lives, favorite colors–but all the show features them talking about is sperm and pregnancy. They probably aren’t really as boring as they are portrayed (I don’t see how anyone could be that boring) but IFC just considers them the baby storyline so that’s all we’re allowed to see.
from knowing Nikki & Jill IRL and how different they/their lives are from the storyline they got in Season One, I can safely say that we’re probably missing about 95% of Kacy & Cori’s actual lives/personalities.
Ding ding ding. It’s all in the editing.
Yes I understand the jokes, and I also am aware that they must have a lot more to say/do other than babies. At least I hope so- I have encountered couples that really do only talk about getting pregnant, pregnancy, and babies.
So yes fuck editing, IFC, whatever. But it doesn’t make them any less dull on the show. I can only give an opinion based upon what I see, and what I see is mind-numbingly tedious. So alas, still no fucks to be given. Hopefully at some point we’ll see a different part of them that doesn’t make me press mute.
The only entertaining thing I’ve seen is the aspiring preggo one demanding cigarettes. I feel her.
hell to the yes, chloe, i totally agree! nothing more boring and annoying than pregger talk…except the spawn themselves. penis and babies no, orgasms and cats yes.
This episode was very sad. I almost didn’t watch it. So there.
please make it stop :(
i was told on twitter that you would be here to moan about the show with me at length
@riese I was about to and then you laid it out perfectly! But yeah, I don’t understand why this show is now 80% about men. I’m sure that penis guy is awesome but teevee is already dedicated to telling men’s stories (or women’s stories about/with men) most of the time.
This was supposed to be our visibility moment… turns out it’s yet another instance of lezploitation. WE WERE DUPED!
I am pissed and quite franky, disgusted.
me too! i expected everyone to be UP IN ARMS about this! I was furious and disgusted in unprecedented amounts. my girlfriend and were just screaming for the last 20 minutes. because the thing is this show sucks but at the very very very least it’s about lesbians. i really felt like the entire episode was dedicated to proving how desperately lesbians need men. and yeah, we do love our guy friends and our dads and all of that, we need men because we need PEOPLE. but i couldn’t believe that a show that purports to be about us would pander to mainstream ideas about lesbians being incomplete without men (even insofar as romi needs a “father figure” in her life because she needs “male energy”), it was so backwards and i am actually 500 times more angry about it then i said in this post, mostly b/c it’s not these girls’ fault, it’s the story and how it was edited. and i didn’t want to rag on them in the recap. but seriously, stunned ! STUNNED.
The whole thing was just super fucking gross and disturbing. All of it. Lines crossed and re-crossed and then blown to smithereens. Wrongful. Hateful. BAD NEWS BEARS.
“I’m iruneeng veffffles und jooeecing sume-a jooeece-a! Børk! Børk! Børk!”
Riese, you make me LOL at work. Thanks :)
PARIS HILTON GIF
PARIS HILTON GIF
PARIS HILTON GIF
MICHAEL SCOTT
I literally just signed up to be an ‘autostraddler’ because of your recaps. I swore I wouldn’t watch this crap after the first ep last year, now I’m watching it again, JUST to follow your recaps. I was thinking “Oh, she is so going to comment on the Vegas Show and mention the lame LA Fashion week” and you did. I continued to watch this mess, only in eager anticipation of your comments. Kori and Kacey (I don’t pay attention to the spelling of their fake names) are SO boring, that I screamed “BORING!” out loud when they appeared. I’m sure my neighbors loved that. The butch one is desperately trying to keep the bratty, pissy, smoker and will take all of her shit. I’m waiting for her to say “Look bitch, RESPECT the Mama/Daddy”. Kidding, but they are not coming across as a ‘loving couple’ with that attitude. Wait until she is really prego and she’ll blame all of her mood swings on that too. Romi is in this weird relationship with her ‘friend/father figure’ and you know they probably slept together. He keeps hinting that under his breath and his creepy hugs. ewww…
Claire (who looks like a Sophie B knock off, showing my age) is a clueless wannabe. Yes, they are a dime a dozen in LA. Trust me. I am already typing way too much and YOU are the one doing the recaps, you don’t need another judgy judy commenter adding to this. Thank you again and next week I will not waste my time watching that. I’ll only read your recap!
The only reason I hope to one day get married and have a baby with my hypothetical wife is so that I can ask hot guys to jack off into plaster and give me a dick mold to use.
Because that is what making a life changing decision, spending lots of money on medical procedures, and facing potential intolerance and legal battles is really all about…dick plaster.
i used to see Romi rather regularly and i was tempted to, but too shy to approach her. i am so glad i didn’t. she comes off as AWFUL and a little cray cray on this season and not that i had a chance, but i’m glad i didn’t put myself in a scenario to have to deal with her crap.
also, i hate whitney.
in picture #3 I thought you were going to jump on the caption of “lesbian closet consists of never enough plaid shirts”
I ASK MYSELF THE SAME QUESTIONS AS YOU.
i really and truly believe it is one of the following:
1) ilene is the stupid one and doesn’t realize she is offending her community (community of which she has already claimed she does not recognize) with all this male-centric bullshit on the only lesbian show on television
2) ilene thinks we are all stupid and she hates us all and just enjoys being “evol evol” (as francine whines at the end of the last preview) in wielding her power to fuck with our minds by creating a lesbian show targeted for the straight man
I’m so glad someone mentioned all the plaid shirts in the closet of picture #3.
as a sidenote, i believe there were about 60 seconds (as saj would say) of quality television:
1) claire’s nip
2) saj’s mom (hilarious!)
3) a few sweet non-sperm dialogue b/t cori & kacy
ilene chaikenmichele bachmann
michele bachmann is the fourier transform of ilene chaiken. to explain the metaphor, michele is the deatheater in the political straight world and ilene chaiken is simply a transformation of that same evil in the show biz gay world
Did you notice all the plaid in Kacey and Cori’s closet. That is a lot of plaid.
Riese that pterodactyl joke was killer
“If we were all in the same room I suspect a Pterodactyl could fly through and we’d all keep our limbs.”
High five Riese. High five.
No. No high fives. Hands will stay down during the Pterodactyl flyover.
You’re right. Low fives all around.
Can’t believe i didn’t think of the fact that they could just use a dildo to mold the weird sperm shooter instead of an actual dong?!?
even one that doesn’t look like a penis!
or a turkey baster!
or really, any kind of small tube!
this scene was for the sole purpose of showing a penis (handled by lesbians mind you) and suggesting straight sex!
EXACTLY
I would like to take a borkment to thank Intern Grace for the Swedish Chef borkture cap and making my day.
oh i write the captions! she just names the images.
i’d also like to add that there’s a swedish chef translator on the internet! you can put in whatever you want and get chefspeak. it’s so cool. i used it
!!!!!! ….!
oh my bed reeese-a!!! thunk YUOOO fur mekeeng my dey. Bork Bork Bork! (via swedish chef translator)
I do have to say that I also love the image names. Part of the fun is letting my mouse float over them to see what Intern Grace had to say!
“I’m confused because they called Vivian her ex earlier.”
Gold.
Yes, this is true, and 99.99% of the time the captions are funnier than the picture names anyway. Also, for the record, the only reason I name the pictures anything that’s not purely descriptive is because it is keeping me from bashing my brains against my keyboard. It is likely very annoying to Riese who has to actually put them in the post. So. Bork bork bork.
The Inseminator (TM?) was just an IFC MacGuffin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacGuffin) as it clearly has no purpose in the Kaci/Cory storyline and I have serious doubts about it’s functionality.
I second Marissa. Esp considering Sadjah is suggesting going couples therapy next week (???).
Good god I couldn’t even make it through the first page without going “WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.” and being unsure of what I just read.
Ha! I just had a mental image of Kyle Broflovski’s mom.
Did you know that in Argentina, this show is advertised as “the show for women that every man will want to watch”?
Not only in Argentina, the show is on VH1 latinoamerica. And is advertised that way
It’s say “El show que todo hombre querrá ver” – With a sexy girl off voice and all the pre sex scenes-
This episode was downright impossible to watch..
Fun fact! Caes was on that disney movie Thirteenth year (you know the one where the kid turns into a mermaid) many a year ago :)
Which kid was he, I loved that movie.
Haha…Disney dick.
Are we just not gonna talk about Claire’s tit hanging out of her shirt?
yes please.
can we just have a recap of nipple. i never thought i would see (read about) this much cock on this website.
i know it is not your fault riese and i love you for recapping this. this was the most hilarious thing ever in life.
but dear god, listen to the puppies.
my thoughts regarding claire’s nipple were
1) if you know you’re gonna be followed by a camera crew, wtf?
2) maybe she really has very few fucks to give
so i conclude, there is a plethora of nip
due to a scarcity of fucks
WILL SOMEONE WILL LISTEN TO THE PUPPIES?
ignore me, I was trying to saw WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO THE PUPPIES.
My exhaustion shows in my typos. *sigh*
As I just said to my wife, “That’s not side boob. That’s just boob.”
we made a screencap of it
by mistake, i just realised those pictures actually have names and,man,are they hilarious lol
This episode made me want to tear off my ears and use them to cover my eyes.
There’s a medical study being carried out, exploring the possibility of using this episode as a non-surgical alternative to lobotomies.
You don’t know it but you’re all testdrivers.
relevant comic
You win the internet for posting SMBC.
wow. and really if I watched this show it would be for Kelsey (which there was not enough of this epidsode). Romi always seems so mean to her though!
hey i like your shirt
:D
Why thank you!! It is the most comfortable shirt ever, and easily made sexy when I just pull it down a bit.
and I don’t know how I spelled episode like that.
I haven’t watched this (I was about to say ‘yet’, but as I typed it I realised that I just couldn’t. Thank you for taking it for the team Riese). Could someone please tell me if that conversation between Saj and her mum actually happened? Really? And if so, I would like to know who handed her the script to read. It hurt me just to read the dialogue.
I had a list in my head of other bizarre things that I wanted to question, but I give up.
I haven’t watched either, but that was my big question too. That dialogue was so painful to read.
Yes, that was really real.
Well, “real.” It happened. On the “Real” L Word.
i find it weird how aware they are of the fact they’re on trlw
lauren conrad at least pretended she was just your average student who just so happened to be followed around by a film crew and would also bump into ppl with film crews
that shit wouldn’t fly on the hills js
this is a good point. that was one of the best parts of that show — no confessional booth interviews, just the voiceover. you could pretend you were watching a tv version of a YA novel.
I feel like I`ll probably never watch this show, but I love your recaps so much.
Yeah IFC is raging. I can picture her wildly plotting her next penis move on CARD STOCK.
Hilarious recap, and I loved the footnote.
The whole inseminator scene/discussion made me want to scratch my eyeballs out. It made me that uncomfortable and pissed. I can’t even put it into words really. Most lesbians I know are ok with the fact that we just can’t concieve the “Superior” way, as Riese so sarcastically put it. I just can’t believe they felt the need to air that and build an episode around it. Really Ilene, really? Way to represent.
I don’t know why I continue to download this shit, but I do. At least I don’t give my money to showtime.
you know in jurassic park when the guy who plays newman on seineld has the shaving cream can that he puts all the embryos in and then sneaks out of jurassic park to sabotage the secret to cloning dinosaurs foreverrrrr?
that is what ilene chaiken did in this scene.
really seriously if you were spending hundreds/thousands of dollars on all these procedures to conceive and waiting on this sperm and your doctor called and was like OOPS JK WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED, you would not just sob in the car and go home quietly. really wtf happened to the sperm?!?!?! I NEED TO KNOW.
YES. what happened to the sperm? the liquid nitrogen drained out? evaporated? what? we’ve been talking about this sperm for 6 long episodes and now someone messed up and spermy is dead and we’re not gonna know why, how, what?
the sperm is a better-developed character than francine.
omg, so sad this is true.
Well said. I for one would be furious.
Ok. This is what I REALLY want to know. Riese, how did you end up with this task? Did you lose a bet or something? Twice??
if i wrote a post called “i’m not going to recap the real l word anymore” you would see why I have to do this task
I’d read it. Errthing you write makes me happy all over.
Has Whitney never heard of an ejaculating dildo? Like seriously. I don’t know if you would want your super precious sperm you ordered off the internet being ejaculated from an ejaculating dildo, but that’s neither here nor there. The fact is that THEY EXIST, which makes the entire molding a penis situation completely ridiculous and offensive.
yes that is one of many elements of this sitch that were entirely ridiculous
The comment about the Anais Nin-quality journal entry absolutely made my night. Especially because I just bought a book of hers today from an older guy whom I was afraid would judge me for buying erotica but he just ended up commenting that he met Nin when he was young once. Basically today is Anais Nin Day.
As CEO you totally have the authority to delegate this task.
I am so glad I’m not the only one who would watch a show about Alyssa.
It would be me and her dogs.
the only good part of this episode was Alyssa’s funny voice. i do think Kacy and Cori are cute, but i wish we could get just ONE scene of them not talking about sperm/ovulation/etc.
As one of those lonely “midwestern” (eastern) queers you mentioned in this post, you hit it right on the head. I mean, I understand how terrible the show is in terms of editing, storytelling, all of the things, etc., but I could laugh off the ridiculousness of it because at the very very least I was seeing what I hope to have someday – a group of lesbian friends. So then I’m watching this weeks episode and thinking, “sweet, a penis, exactly what lesbians want to see in a tv show about lesbians.” It’s just so terribly disappointing that this show is blatantly being catered to straight males under the guise of telling “out stories.”
In a word (or I guess a face):
-________-
*our stories.
preach
I read these recaps every week because they are small masterpieces of comedic writing. But this show is horrible and embarrassing for everyone. And now, by so blatantly catering to a straight, cis-gendered male audience, TRLW has, in my view, become a complete waste of my gay time. At what point does it become detrimental for a lesbian website to devote so much time (the time of the CEO, no less) writing about such an obviously exploitative catastrophe? Our community deserves a much better show than TRLW. Bring on “Unicorn Plan-It.”
http://img855.imageshack.us/img855/493/howaboutnom.jpg < – this pretty much sums up how I feel about this episode. Actually, it sums up about the vast majority of TRLW this season.
As usual, the recaps are fantastic. Extra points for Swedish chef-speak!
if we are expressing ourselves via pictures of bears now, i humbly submit the following for consideration:
http://bit.ly/eke3Z3
relevant.
So we never find out who killed Jenny or Spermy?;)
So I realize that 90% of the storylines and events on this show are ridiculous and one-dimensional, but once in a while, they do throw us a bone with moments as “real” as you can get on reality TV – like Romi discussing her dad’s death or the pure joy on Cori and Kacey’s faces during the insemination process. Wish these recaps (as entertaining as I usually find them) would give some credit to those moments. I feel like you can’t win – if people are having sex on camera or acting like dramatic bitches, we whine that it’s unrealistic and exploitative. But when the show captures more ordinary or compelling moments, they’re labeled as “boring.” WHAT DO YOU WANT?
i give credit to every moment that honestly touches me, and i think i did that in this recap, too. i can’t change my opinion or reaction to a show — this is how i honestly feel about it (honestly dialed way back, my real feelings are far more negative). should i lie about how i feel about the show?
there’s plenty of shows that manage to have more than 2 tender moments per episode, or manage to not suck for more than 50% of the show. i feel like we’re grabbing for straws here and we deserve better!
given the ratio of ordinary and compelling to inane and stab-worthy, I give credit for Riese noticing given all the dicks and sperm to wade through.
He was the mermaid boy… Look at his photo and the photo from the kid in the movie, you can see he still looks the same :)
Ilene Chaiken needs to retire. It is time for other women to come along and create better lesbian shows with better representation. Plus, I secretly believe that Ilene Chaiken is obsessed with the male penis. As for the cast members of the Real L Word, Whitney barely blogs about the episodes on Showtime anymore. She knows that this season was very disappointing. Even though I am glad that Romi is sober. I believe she is a very nice woman but I do think she needs therapy in the long run because she’s bi polar. The other ones I won’t elaborate on now. That’s it.
Well spoken Steph C.!! :)
This show. I just can’t even. It is so weird. SO WEIRD.
the feeling of ‘i can’t believe this is really happening’
Word.
At first when I started watching this show I thot i was going to love Saj. Now i find her very creepy?? :/
Clairs’s nip was so random
PENIS. lordy. let me barf right now. that was the most pointless 20min worth of television ever created!!!
&& WHERES FRANCINE?! She’s so hott & ALWAYS missing. i guess if ur not trying to bone every girl who walks or naked on tv u get no airtime. BOO! :(
Not at all suggesting that you should lie when it comes to your opinions on the show, just that it’s important to keep a critical but also open mind so that the default reaction isn’t always negative or snarky. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the comedic value of snarky and look forward to these recaps every week. But as much as Cori & Kacey are sperm-centric or how Nikki & Jill were seemingly wedding-obsessed last season, I can’t deny that those are both important stories to tell in terms of portraying loving, committed gay relationships that go through similar milestones as heterosexual relationships whether it’s wanting to get married or start a family.
Not going to argue with you on the penis mold, though. Not a shining moment, for sure.
believe it or not, what you see here IS me keeping an open mind — nothing here is because my “default reaction” is negative or snarky and nothing I say here is a result of thoughtlessness or bias — I’ve been writing about tv for many years now and I guess it always is confusing to me why anyone would assume they know more about my thought process than I do.
I really wish I could like more parts of this show but I don’t… and like I said, my true feelings are about 300 times more negative than what you’ll read here, but I dial it back because I don’t want to be that negative and upset people like you. :-)
If it was any more open, your brain would fall out.
truth
The Real L Word makes me feel like my brain has fallen out. And been stomped on by Ilene Chaiken.
I have never seen this show (vague excuse – I’m in the UK) but love your recaps. Any chance you’re going to do our outstanding example of lesbian real life tv – Candy Bar Girls?
wait, i just need to pause right here because i am really confused about why the sperm would need to be inside the vagina of the strap-on-wearer in order for the sperm to hypothetically come out of the dildo?
seriously i do not understand this logic. the dildo wouldn’t even be near the vagina–it would be way higher than that!
Right?! And we know that these ladies know how to use a strap-on.
sweet riese, there, there. even though this ep was a disappointing manfest, you can take comfort in knowing that only you and dara nai watched it.
also, i think the secret picture tags are the funniest shit evah.
I’ve only signed up to say that I absolutely LOVE your commentary. As previously stated by others….I prefer it to the actual show.
This episode left me feeling disgusted and confused. I really wasn’t expecting to see so much cock or hear about sperm non stop.
Not sure if I’m going to watch episode 7 or just read your commentary instead.
Thanks again for the laughs.
Before I even read this recap I have to post that Romi’s friend looks SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much like South African rapper Jack Parrow that I can’t even handle it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRzFqW4Xh2k
Now I will read the recap!
This show is only worthwhile if you’re watching it with someone else…and laughing.
You’re right – the whole penis mold thing was so planned out but I enjoyed seeing Whitney (and Alyssa) just chilling and having fun. I usually hate Whitney and the unnecessary drama she surrounds herself with, but this made me kind of like her (excluding the bone-head things she tends to say. Like a fine wine? I suppose good sound bytes are hard to come by.)
Also, I live for Vegas buffets.
I agree with you definately. As funny as some of the reviews are I actually quite like the show.
I have the funny feeling that the cast members want all of the episodes to air at this point so they will stop talking about the show. I also feel that Whitney knows that this season was a bunch of baloney. I can picture her and the rest of the cast regretting the whole thing.
“Claire’s lounging on the couch in jeggings like a pretty girl in a Brett Easton Ellis novel”
i knew i wasn’t the only one. she’s exactly what i picture blaire to look like
as soon as sajdah and chanel started having sexy time, my satellite signal went out. its like direct tv was saying “no little chicken, none of this nonsensery”
You’re really trying to be offended here. If you think Romi’s story had some hidden male agenda to it, you’re really reaching. Yeah, we need people in our lives. In Romi’s case it just happened to be that she lost her father, and needed something similar to that. How in the world do you get the idea that lesbians are incomplete from that? If anything I’d say that Romi’s being a lesbian would be irrelevant to that particular episode, which is fine if you really want a show about people.
I find it hard to believe that a show that in its first season ignored men, and in its second so far has mocked them (with Kaci and Cori’s comments about sperm and whatnot) that it suddenly is trying to spread propaganda about them.
What else can I say? The episode was terrible.
Hey there… Just an FYI I could not mold a dildo because that is copyrigt infringement. Also I worked very closely with he advice of several fertility doctors to make sure I was designing something safe and potentially effective. As far as mine and Whitneys research went we were not able to find anything designed for this purpose. With all respect to your opinions, since you don’t always see everything we do on the show, or because they may reveal things slowly, it would be nice if you waited till you had at least MOST of the facts before you lead the masses to believe we are complete morons. As ridiculous as this inseminator sounds to you, there are several clients of ours that were really enthusiastic and hopeful that we could possibly create something that they could maybe try using at home if they chose that route.
thanks for the explanation, that sounds really cool!
i try to recap the show based only on what’s presented to me in the episode and really try to approach every person on the show as the “character” they’re being constructed as. I have to be absolute about that in order to recap at all, because reality tv in general is confusing to me and i feel SUPER uncomfortable about the idea of criticizing actual people’s feelings, lives or decisions. However when I said this last year when explaining why I couldn’t write these recaps, everyone complained and told me to see everyone as characters.
If I applied outside knowledge of any of the cast members on the show to my recap, it would be a blank page because I have no opinion about what another person chooses to do with their life or how they feel, none whatsoever. (this has come up before).
In this recap I wasn’t criticizing your idea or plan, which sounds awesome and I knew I didn’t have ANY let alone “most” of the actual facts on, but the plan as it was presented to us in that episode which, for whatever reason, completely left out the answers to questions a lot of viewers had.
That being said, I’m honestly really surprised by this comment because I don’t understand how what I did write would give you the impression that I want to “lead the masses to believe [you] are complete morons.” That’s insane and couldn’t be further from the truth!
When I saw the show I didn’t think “Alyssa and Whitney are morons,” I thought “what is this half-baked idea presented to us by the editors of TRLW?!!? are the producers complete morons?” When I say “they” I mean “the show producers” not “the characters on the show.” I always assume I get 5% of your story and trust nothing at face value, and that’s not your fault, that’s theirs.
My questions about the feasibility of this weren’t for YOU, they were for the show. I don’t have any questions or criticisms of you or anyone on the show. I have questions about the half-baked story presented to us by Showtime. I thought that was clear, but maybe it’s so clear in my own head that I don’t recognize it being vague on the page.
Anyhow, I’m sorry to offend, that wasn’t my intent. I can add your explanation to the recap as a disclaimer.
And thank you for your response ;)
Here is the thing, this show we are on is a very difficult format for all of us involved for so many different reasons. We had hoped that this season we wouldnt be whittled down to one dimensional story lines like we were last season but clearly…
I feel like at times the reviews I read here, while funny and entertaining, seem to be based on an idea that the plot lines of each episode are loosely scripted or planned out by either the shows creator or the producers. I can say, there are occasions where we might say things out of personal character but for the most part our day to day activities are not pulled out of a hat for us.
When we decided to make the inseminator, we didnt wake up that morning with a piece of Tyra Mail saying “Hold on to your hats… today you have to work with a wang!” I own and run a professional special effects lab, and guess what?! Sometimes I mold “no no parts” But as a professional, I look at it like any body part. I have pretty much molded entire bodies of both sexes a hundred times over at this point.
And yes, for the sake of the handful of viewers out there who happen to be so highly offended by the sight of a real life penis, I could have molded something out of clay first to cast, but PLEASE PEOPLE… REMEMBER WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE ENTERTAINING, FUNNY, INSANE moments that people will remember. The comments about that 20 minutes of the show ruining it for lesbians out there because its “supposed to be a show about lesbians” is completely insane to me… because guess what?! We are a house full of lesbians who also happen to have guy friends both straight and gay… and we run an fx lab that sometimes makes molds of body parts. Im sorry if that offended certain people, but again… isn’t reality tv supposed to sometimes shock people? If it didn’t, why would anyone watch. At the end of the day, yes, we are trying (hard) to make a television show that is about lesbians, but isn’t the idea also to make it entertaining to our gay boyfriends and straight people who can hopefully in some ways relate at the end of the day. If we were on a show made only for lesbians, we wouldn’t have had the ratings to come back for a second season. I feel like some people are looking at this show through really narrow eyes waiting to jump to conclusions before they actually even know what it is they are tearing apart. Thats why I made the comment about people thinking we were morons. If we were trying to make gay tv only for the gays wouldn’t you be watching us on Logo???
Yes I see your point and absolutely everything you say is right… and yes, what me and other writers/commenters are ‘tearing apart’ is a show that we thought was supposed to appeal primarily to lesbians. Nobody (besides Ilene, and I never have any idea what she’s talking about) has explicitly said that you’re not “trying to make gay tv for only the gays” like you said in your comment. From that angle, probably almost everything I write about the show is irrelevant, and from that angle, this episode did a great job of appealing to a mainstream mixed-sexuality/gender audience. Absolutely.
I think (and maybe this isn’t clear enough on the site?) that just as your mission is to make entertaining, funny, insane, shocking television, my job as a journalist/tv-writer is to make an entertaining/funny recap and to evaluate the show’s representation of lesbians. This franchise has an uncomfortable history with the lesbian community (despite it being the only media giving the show press this season) and it does have a track record of taking its audience for granted and this year specifically pissed us off. (and Lady Tragik) My opinion is biased, is slanted, and is entirely consumed with 1)being funny/entertaining, 2)analyzing lez representation. Reality TV is probs supposed to be shocking, like you said, but I’d rather watch an hour-long documentary about the making of the inseminator (penis and all) than see anything shocking (sidenote – honestly I dated men for ten years and have seen plenty of penises so it didn’t gross me out like it did the ppl who wrote to me about it — it wasn’t that specifically that I disliked).
I know nothing about reality tv, never watched jersey shore/the hills/real housewives/big brother. If this recap was focusing on its quality as a reality tv show or its appeal to a mainstream or male audience then it’d be a very different recap I’m not qualified to write. Maybe I’m not qualified to write this one, either, and if that’s the consensus then I’m happy to step down.
I’m not implying the producers sent you Tyra Mail (that cracked me up, btw) or that “the plot lines of each episode are loosely scripted or planned out by either the shows creator or the producers.” I do think, however, that they have a shit-ton of footage and they pick certain footage to tell certain stories. Yes, I think the stories are planned out, but they’re not planned out during/before filming with the cast members. They’re planned out afterwards by the editors piecing each episode together to tell the story they want to tell.
What I want is interesting 3-D characters living their real lives. I like documentaries. I want to know what kacy & cori do besides talk about sperm, and what you and rachel do besides talk about whitney. I don’t want sex scenes or fights at the abbey, i’m basically a senior citizen when it comes to my feelings abt tv.
I wouldn’t watch this show if I wasn’t recapping it. That’s not a secret though, I talk about disliking the genre itself a lot and always have to make sure ppl know where i’m coming from and yet everyone really really really really really wants me to recap because i guess i’m just SO HILARIOUS. it gives the show publicity regardless of what i say. Again, maybe I should make this more clear, or not recap at all. IDK.
Just so were clear, I usually enjoy reading your recaps… They, for the most part make me laugh. We make fun of ourselves (and te show) all the time :)
But… Didn’t you know, when Rachel and I aren’t obsession over Whitney we get boxed up and put back in the broom closet? Obvi!
honestly the most truly devastating aspect of this episode was not enough people talking about whitney
sperm. penis. sperm. penis. sperm. penis.
This episode was about as awesome as a fanny pack full of dicks… and actually at this point I think I might rather wear a fanny pack full of dicks than subject my looking holes to such mind numbing penis talk nonsense.
Thanks for the recaps fo sho.
so spill, why wouldn’t any of the ejaculating dildos on the market do?
Ejaculating dildos would not work because the transfer method is not sterile. Again, we actually put quite a bit of research into this.
don’t take it too hard, everyone’s just working with what the show gave us (blame ifc not the viewer)
anyway good luck with your insemination endeavors, hey maybe it’ll make you guys chagillionaires
Okay, can I say something? It’s kind of a big something and I might catch hell for this, but is it just me, or is Ilene Chaiken basically the Mary Cheney of queer showbiz? Is that awful?
And is it more insulting to Mary Cheney or Ilene Chaiken? I don’t even know. Not even a bit.
Actually I don’t find the idea of your creation offensive, it is more about the way it is portrayed on the show. I don’t think you trying to create it make you look like a moron, but for the viewer it looks like it is just another infuriating thing to add up to this show-about-lesbians-and-to-lesbians-but-not-really.
HELP!
I’m all alone in the middle of alabama with no friends and without a Google+
invite. :*(
Please fellow queers…help me.
Sincerely,
qooqaburra
Well, the “Jack in the Box Face” was classic. That cracked me up as an I effed up and did _____ at the bar at 3am, and now I’m sad and need greasy tacos and egg rolls.
Win – all I have to say is this recap was an instant classique. The fact that it exists makes this crazy mixed up world a better place.
I GIVE U MAJOR KUDOS ALYSSA. FOR COMING ON HERE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. YOU DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT BUT I THINK ITS SO AWESOME AND RESPECTFUL THAT YOU DID!! IT SUCKS THAT SOMETHING YOU WORKED SO HARD ON CAN BE SO MISCONSTRUED ON TV SO HALF THE WORLD ENDS UP HATING IT!! BUT THANK YOU :))
2nd round comment-slap Claire (I’m a good virtual slapper) for using women..I hope she’s being portrayed wrong also..don’t think she is..Whitney is growing on me as not being like Mikey…and oy, did I know a real life Mikey. Alyssa’s voices had me in hysterics. Yes, Alyssa, if you are still reading, you are awesome, and that voice is too much! I cackled my ass off. CMAO???
More of that voice..OMG “Nono parts” It was worth dealing with sexytime noises just to hear that voice.
Really glad to see Alyssa voice her side of the situation as well!
And Riese, I apologize if I jumped to conclusions about your thought process in evaluating the show. But then again, it’s not so much different than us watching an hour of edited footage and judging people’s choices and relationships or how easy it is to produce a television show that actually makes it to the air.
Lastly… So I know Riese watches the show because it’s her job to blog about it. But what I don’t understand is people who think the show is total shit and that Ilene Chaiken is the Antichrist, yet they still tune in to watch every week just to be pissed off about it. I know the show is bad, but I actually enjoy it in a “it’s so bad, it’s funny” way rather than a “so bad it makes me mad” way.
I watch it because A) as we all know there are very few lesbian TV shows and if it’s there I’m gonna watch it, but more importantly, B) this show is representing our community and I think it’s better to be informed and pissed off than uninformed. this isn’t a perfect analogy, but I think of watching the real l word as similar to being informed about the republican presidential candidates. I’m gonna be pissed off about their views (for the most part), but it’s still better to be informed and pissed than uninformed. the show IS so bad that it’s funny (just like michele bachmann is so stupid it’s funny) but it also makes me mad (and michele bachmann sure as hell makes me mad).
Lesbians deserve better shows and better films than this.
For all of you who are wondering if you can do the baby thing without the drama: IT’S POSSIBLE.
1. You choose a method, discussing it in a serious manner with your partner.
2. You realize that there are a lot of straight couples who have to choose the same path because they cannot conceive naturally, some women have to go ALONE when they ovulate because their guy has to work.
3. You try and you try and you try until it works and then you hope and hope and hope that it stays.
All this is in itself already so emotional that you have zero time fussing about men or sperm or dicks.
Our kid will be born in 6 weeks and will not give a rats ass about not being made with a sperm squirting dildo (no offense Alyssa).
Instead this show should educate lesbian couples in the US about their possibilities and rights.
If the entire show was Alyssa speaking in her funny voice I’d have no choice but to watch it over and over again… even if she was only allowed to speak about ejaculating dildos. “He’s going to dip his no-no parts inside it, like this.”
This was the first episode I’ve ever seen of this travesty. can i just say WORST INTRODUCTION TO A SHOW EVER
Can I just say WORST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.
I was at work reading the recaps which are great when a straight and married female co-worker (to another co-worker working at the same job)said “Oh that’s Whitney!” And she proceeded to gush about how great the Real L Word is. It was a reallly awkward moment for me as I really wanted to tell her not all lesbians are like this. . . but I am at work and all I could do was sort of smile and nod. But I realized that Ilen is just really trying to appeal to straight people.
wow, i’m really curious. what was your straight, married female co-worker so enthused about? would love to hear that perspective.
I have to agree with GG.
Ilene Chaiken is obsessed of having a straight male audience. She is realizing that the lesbian audience isn’t marketable for her taste or Showtime’s taste. Just saying.
@ gg
I’m a little late here but as a straight female who watches the show, I wanted to put it out there that most of us have functioning brains and are able to tell the difference between reality and a reality show. Of course, I can’t speak for every single straight person on the planet, but most of us who watch the show don’t for one second make the idiotic assumption that allll lesbians in the world act exactly like those women. Maybe the show means more to you than it does for me (I don’t mean that as an insult), but I see it as nothing more but some good ol’ trashy reality tv. I watch it just like I would watch any other reality show..mostly for the drama, entertainment and humor. People don’t watch Teen Mom and think all teenagers have babies at 16 and are irresponsible parents; people don’t watch Jersey Shore and think that all Italian-Americans act like that, etc..you know what I’m getting at. To make a long story short, most straight people who watch the show watch it for the entertainment and don’t use it as a Lesbian Behavior Guide or something. So fear not folks, I’d never judge you by Romy’s clown make up, Claire’s douchiness,or Whitney’s wisdom.
In response to the earlier question, I am not sure why straight married women would like this show, and specifically Whitney. It was as I said an awkward situation for me. As Jessie said, probably there is a slutty trashy aspect to her, not that that is how she truly is, but how she is being represented and that is fun and entertaining to watch. However its interesting that that is the one character that was brought back and seemingly the one that my co-worker thought was so ccol.
I have to admit, I was unable to read all of the comments on this recap, but did anyone catch the not-so-subtle side boob of Claire when collecting her shit from Francine’s??? Ughhhhh. There goes my lunch up out of my stomach and into the toilet.
I swear to god, every time I watch this show, I feel like I’m going insane and eventually just give up in the pursuit to do something enjoyable, like watching True Blood.
Whoa, is this comment thread intense or WHAT?
Again, awesomesauce work, Riese. I think people need to realize that Riese’s recaps are fabulous/popular NOT because she is trying to spearhead some movement to just boycott everything phallic and point and laugh at everyone in the show. Because, that is really not what she seems to be doing with these recaps (unless you really want to look into it and copy edit some sentences together to fit your view, IFC). I am convinced that her recaps are awesome and a must read every week because she says what most of us are seem to be thinking, just in a funnier, sharper way. For giving every frustrated viewer a voice (my partner is a straight cis man, and he’s right there with the recaps every week. So these recaps are pleasing to more than us pesky picky queer women), this recaps are f*cking gold. It’s bananas people keep giving Riese shit over this.
riese, i’m glad you made the observation that this episode was somewhat male centric and how weird that seems. i hadn’t noticed that right away and i do think it’s significant. it’s not disparaging anyone to say what is so, and it was so. i hope in the future you continue to just state your observations base don the info you have and what you are looking at and don’t edit yourself and worry about other’s opinions.
also, i’m glad to hear more about alyssa’s take on things. now i really don’t take this show seriously at all. and i do think she, Alyssa you, were unnecessarily bitchy and ego/bruised about the commentary. You’re not on PBS here, and no info at ALL was given about background research, etc, regarding the whole inseminator thing and what is involved. That’s not your fault, but it’s not Riese’s either. Calm down.she’s not trying to make you look like morons, Showtime is.
It’s probably been said already, but is Ilene Chaiken basically the Mary Cheney of queer showbiz? I mean, it’s so obvious right??
Hi I just found your amazing recaps (better later than never!!) and I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the amazing work you’ve done ( I almost peed myself reading this OMG)…. but HEY …
I DID LOVE THIS EPISODE (sorry for the caps) I know it’s about a penis… but come on!! it was super funny!! stop taking everything so seriously this is reality tv they’re trying to make people laugh (just like you btw)…so much penis hating gets really old really really fast even for a lesbian. Just sayin’
In any case keep up the good work ;)