Meanwhile at The Club, Romi’s life is flashing before her eyes and it’s boring. She’s over this. She’s grown up. Look at this hat! Nobody under the age of 63 would wear this hat:
...on camera
Kelsey’s belligerent. “Are you drunk?” Romi says. “No I’m not,” Kelsey says. Can they go like this all night?
Romi: Why can’t we have just like, a smooth night, you know?
Kelsey: It’s just like lately… when do we have a smooth night? Whenever we’re out with other people you’re like — [makes a weird face] — it’s always this thing you know?
Romi: It’s because like, you get drunk or you start like, doing something and I like, watch you and you don’t want me to watch you and then you react to it.
Kelsey: Honey you always deal with it all the time.
Romi: [to the bartender]: Can I get a Red Bull?
It’s difficult to really get too deep into the complexity and detail of this dispute, as obviously it’s occurring on a reading comprehension level far beyond my own.
look maybe i'll feel better after red bull gives me my wings
Everyone’s gone out but Whitney has wrapped herself in black spandex and is sitting in her room, thinking about the fate of the world. At the club Rachel is like, “Even Jaq was like, where’s Whitney?” I’m surprised she fit that in, they probably had so many other things to talk about. “She’s in her own world, not thinking about anyone but herself,” says Rachel. Right.
Like the Thinker, But Gay
These are my notes on this scene:
A. Whitney talking about herself
B. Whitney getting into bed.
Whitney: “I come from a family of addicts, and I myself have had a history of drug problems. It’s like you can put the bottle down but it doesn’t change your addictive personality, sometimes it just moves on to other things, so now have I supplemented my addiction to substances with my addiction to girls?”
She’s gonna be like that girl who was on Dr.Drew’s Celebrity Rehab and THEN Dr.Drew’s Celebrity Sex Rehab. I think that girl was just addicted to Dr. Drew though. It’s probably because she was talked to in hypnotic-crazy-stern-royal-blue-shirt-wearing-Dr-Drew voices as a baby, and now every time she sees a tire swing, she has a seizure. La la la.
We catch up with our dashing damsels in a taxi cab, where Kelsey is intoxicated and Romi is not and so basically we continue down the same philosophical pathway we abandoned at The Club.
Romi: “I know, that’s you, you’re drunk, you drink a lot.”
Kelsey: “I can — do — I can drink a lot.”
Romi: “You drank a lot tonight. Like all the vodka there, the vodka on the way, champagne–”
Kelsey: “Can we have sex?”
Romi’s been in a “funk,” she says, explaining why the well of sex has run dry.
“I hate it, I hate it,” Kelsey says over and over and Romi says “I know” and then Romi reminds her that she’s drunk and Romi’s sober.
Kelsey: “Okay, I’m drunk, and you’re sober!”
Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:
Pretending like nothing is wrong
Dating
Large Bottles of Wine
Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine
Moms
“Girlfriends”
Blackberry Messenger
Sperm
Sobriety
Dates
Whitney
All the Vodka there
All the Vodka on the Way
Kelsey says sex is all she has with Romi and if they don’t have sex what do they have? Talking about sex, that’s what.
They have to do this thing. It’s that or order sperm from the internet, and I think Cori & Kacy are pretty possessive of that particular topic.
pants on or off? off? ok off.
Kelsey wants to fuck the shit out of Romi but Romi would prefer a bath — but then, as she tells it, Kelsey was sad and crying and so Romi was like, okay, let’s fuck.
this would be a good time to tell you that actual scissoring happened
Romi explains the next day that Kelsey was breaking down crying and so Romi, being the brave young soldier that she is, was like, “okay, this needs to end.”
the planner was empty! every single page!
Yup. Big sex scene! Looks like they got to film it themselves though like in special lighting so you don’t see, you know, like EVERYTHING. But also, you know.
Fun!
Kelsey: “Baby, I squirted!”
+
+
watch and learn
Whitney is still in San Francisco.
don't wanna miss my alcatraz tour
Get out of here! What is wrong with you insane, lunatic humans?!! Who the hell is she talking about. Okay put on your Newsie outfit, go seize the day.
Crescent, aka Whitney's Signature Sexual Move
Ta-ta.
Ah, it’s the morning after a long night of sex caught on camera. Did you forget? Good, neither did Kelsey.
omg remember what it's like to wake up liking each other
This scene of sexual conquest was brought to you by the official Autostraddle.com t-shirt, guaranteed to make the panties drop.
you can buy your own autostraddle t-shirt at autostraddle.goodsie.com as soon as we order more
Romi: “We made sweet passionate amazing love, and it felt so good!”
Now they’re happy. Magic.
Whitney goes right back into Sara’s arms because she didn’t like the way they ended it. Like how their clothes were on, etc.
you know what to be honest with you i totally forgot the premise of this scene
Sara’s earrings are making so much noise, I can’t hear the scene. Also I had to turn off the volume or else die of Show. Whitney’s not gonna lie, she cares about Sara, she wants to cut the bullshit and make a clean slate. Sara has a process or something.
Whitney sees through Sara because “I wrote this book that you’re reading here.” The Book of Whitney!
Whitney can’t resist Sara I think. Really I just need those earrings off.
Whitney: “I think we’re both addicted to one another, but on the same token, I have real feelings for Sara.”
“Now we’re back to square one,” she says, and then they make out and probably have sex.
Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:
Pretending like nothing is wrong
Dating
Large Bottles of Wine
Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine
Moms
“Girlfriends”
Blackberry Messenger
Sperm
Sobriety
Dates
Whitney
Addiction
Their Shit
Mathnet
.
I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
These recaps are way better/funnier than the show that is for women but every man would want to watch, you know?
this looks totally weird, right? it’s how vh1LA it’s advertising the show
yes this is what i’ve heard! I want to see this! Do you have any pictures of this advertisement? I need to see it
I couldn’t find anything online about this or the tv commercial but I’ve seen it.
ok if you ever find anything you can send me I WANTIT I WANT IT
Your recaps are better than the show in every possible way.
Also, Kelsey’s hot
I am so glad I decided to read this recap because I got to see a picture of Alex Vega in gold hotpants. I’m just saying I may have stared at said picture longer than is appropriate…
Ahem.
Hilarious recap as usual Riese!
same. that was the highlight of my life.
Wow! I have neve watched this show and I am so glad I haven’t.
Never*
I am so happy for Romi. After the strap-on-scene from first season she really got her story straight in this episode. She just doesn´t want to be filmed having sex and beeing drunk. She just wants to be sober for that. Makes sense. No one wants their parents to think that they are drunk sluts.
you said the same exact thing on LChat Lucy.
and yeah, alyssa’s seeming a little too involved in whitney’s business. yeesh.
Yes I did. Trying to spread my word. Problem with that?
yeah, try mixing it up a bit. :P i agree with your point, though. no excuses this season for romi being soooooo wasted…Or sara either for that matter, who last season, in an AS interview, I believe, said she was concerned about her family seeing her butt in a shower, or even knowing she’s a lez. then this season, well….damn. i think they know she’s gay now, and i think we’ve all seen every inch of her by now, and thanks to alyssa’s passive aggressiveness (really more aggressive aggressiveness) we know she’s got falsies, too.
so demure, those two.
Can we keep Marissa, the truth-teller? When she’s done trying to talk some sense into Sadjah she can go over to Claire’s and Whitney’s to tell them about themselves. Her parts were really the only enjoyment I got out of this episode. I’m really going to miss her next week.
i’m now sparing myself the pain of watching the show and going straight to the recaps. thank you for (inexplicably) still writing them.
“I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!”
If this show is not used against us in a court somewhere, I will be shocked!
These people are out of control, I don’t care if they are adults, somebody ring child protection services and get them put into care.
I die every time I read these recaps, too funny. They should keep Marissa as a Yoda figure. In every dramatic(rediculous) scene she could pop out of nowhere with “that’s crazy” then just walk off.
Wait, what. I thought Rachel was wearing a hat.
I need to stop watching this. But it’s like a bag of heroin.
And woah, droppin’ the J bomb.
This recap is gold. Also Alex Vega’s hotpants are gold. Gold star. She gets a gold star. She could win the universe in those hotpants.
I also love Kelsey.
I have heard quite a few people say they think Kelsey is hot. I think she has a bit of a Shane look, could this be whats setting everyone off?
It could be the Shane look, or the slurred speech. Women tend to be instinctively nurturing.
this made me laugh hehe coz its really funny..
i havent watch the season 2 because of some factors.
but reading this just though made me work hard with my imagination is really fulfilling hehe
keep it up.
A friend of mine gave me a planner as a gift once and I got all excited and happy because I’m weird and anal retentive. Also, I was in college at the time and had approximately 758 assignments a week to keep track of. Yay, organization!
SQUARE ONE WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS EVER! To this day I still use some of the math tricks they taught me.
this recap is just awesome.. also.. alex vega gold pants cameo = hot
the yes or no reminds me the movie called yes or no its an asian movie
maybe she just watched that film,
i love the way you make the recap its really a boredome free hehe
It’s too funny how season 2 makes you miss TRLW season 1! You even got Racquel but no Stamie pic. Season 1 seems like a swell show in comparison to this second attempt. Marginally. I can’t stomach a 2nd episode of this season.
I like the parts where you rhymed. :-3
I really liked Romi in this episode.
Me too.
Festen! And wayne’s world! ftw!
oh, riese.. your recaps make it A LOT less painful to watch this crappy show.. they’re like, addictive.. like, a big bag of heroin in front af an addict.. and like, waiting for the next one is like.. taking a toll on my soul, man..
LOL Alex Vega. Epic.
Riese, your recaps make my life perfect. Final sentiment is mine as well, but i still can’t stop watching this damn show. Must be the awkward sex on camera.
So, i usually watch the episode, and read the recap, but all the roomies are sleeping and I was too lazy for headphones, so i just read the recap, and i realized that watching this would have been awful, and probably have made Cat, the cat, mad because she hates headphones and stuff, but reading this made me feel good and and made Cat sit beside me and lick herself and now I understand.
Yes, the cat is named Cat.
that was a loooot of dirty bitches for one room to control. seeing kelsey cry made me sad i thought she was never going to get laid.
the pic of alex in golden pants just made all the bad (faded) memories of this episode go away. thank!
Oh.My.God. I LOVED Square One! Mathnet! My heart just exploded with nostalgia.
But where was Francine in that episode ?? I thought she, unlike Sara, was part of the main cast ??
I know I shouldn’t care, but she seems to be the only down-to-earth, reasonable person on that show !
That’s probably why she isn’t getting much screen time. They clearly want to showcase the crazy drama and sex. With a side of sperm.
Oh man I gotta say the in-bed post-coital Whitney interview was the awkwardest thing I’ve seen in a long, long time.
It takes a lot of weed to watch this show without having some form of cringe-induced neurological spasm attack.
yes
i can’t believe you just threaded this processing/sperm/WHITNEY/makeout/drink/actualPorn clip-show together with an ALMOST PLOT!!!
brilliant. i tried to watch this last night, but could only handle sesytimes on mute.
the only reason to watch this show is to give context for your recaps.
The episode title should also not be confused with Square One the toy.
http://www.amazon.com/Square-Rubik-Magic-Teaser-Puzzle/dp/B0040Y1NJ4
or Square One, Ontario’s largest shopping mall.
http://www.shopsquareone.com/
wow. it would have been the best plot twist EVAR if ifc forced everyone to go hang out in Mississauga (sprawling Southern Ontario suburbia).
it’s like, the worst place in the world.
I think the show would be better if Marissa had been standing over the editor’s shoulders and calling them out for their stupidity.
Marissa: “You know what, this is crazy.”
Editor: “But Whitney–”
Marissa: “Do your job right!”
Editor: “But the sex–”
Marissa: “TELL AN ACTUAL STORY!”
Marissa and Alyssa better meet on camera at some point.
Someone PLEASE make this happen.
VEGAAAA
“I am personally really high right now, there’s no way I could watch this sober, let alone be IN it sober.”
Nice choice!
i have to say i read this recap super high and the real l word dvd set (oh god will they make them? WHO would BUY it?) should come with a bag of weed.
I can’t believe you showed a picture of IFC’s wizard’s sleeve.
I’m going to start a non-profit which provides really lovely bras to girls appearing on national television in exchange for fugly knit hats and then perhaps this will be somewhat bearable to watch. Until then, your hilarious recaps will have to do. :)
omg yes.
Guh. SO. MANY. HATS. It never ends. Don’t they have summer there?
I will NEVER tire of that joke. NEVER NOT EVER. In fact, when I was there last night and the pool table was covered with cute tiny brownies and baby carrots and whatnot, I thought fondly of Austria and other things.
“And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.”
Hilarious as always!
First things first. Marissa is GOLD. Like hotpants. BRING HER BACK.
Not in the recap but when Vivian calls Claire selfish, Claire’s comeback is “Everyone keeps saying that. But I’m not!” or something to that effect. If everyone keeps telling you you’re selfish, maybe you need to rethink that. If anyone was watching the show with me while Sajdah was on the screen they would think I was having a seizure by how much she makes me roll my eyes. Will you be my girlfriend. Check yes or no? MAJOR EYE ROLL.
I usually like Alyssa because I feel like she is the only person calling Whit on her shit. (haha, it rhymes!)But she just annoyed me this episode.
I want to love Kaci and Cory but for the love of vagina, enough with the sperm already! Show editors, can we please learn something else about this adorably couple except that they need lots of super expensive sperm?
I really want to like Kelsey but the sloppy drunk crying? Me no likey.
Did anyone else notice the whack a mole during the opening sequence? My favorite part of the entire episode. Well that and Marissa’s This is Crazy!
Best recap of anything ever.
I like the show. It’s just like any other reality show with crazy people doing crazy things.
Being a teenager I really don’t see this show as any worse than any other reality show. I actually see it as an entertaining, slightly over dramatic look into the lives of lesbians living life.(And seeing lesbians leading “normal” lives is something my generation needs to be able to see given the suicide crisis ) I very much enjoy watching it and even though it can get ridiculous sometimes, life gets ridiculous sometimes and the people on and making this show are just people. They aren’t fucking saints. This show wasn’t made to get gay marriage passed it was made for money, entertainment, and to put something gay on tv.
Also I am completely confused and horrified at how some people are so easily trashing some of these girls just for having sex on camera. Almost everyone has sex it’s a natural human function and if someone is comfortable enough to be filmed doing that then fucking go team. Calling someone a slut because of that is fucking stupid. That’s like making fun of someone who dances in public just because you only do it alone in your room.
With that being said, I actually love these recaps.
Also Claire should just fall of the face of the earth.
You can’t say people are wrong for not liking how the women have sex on camera and then say that Claire should fall of the earth.
Also, speaking for myself, I do have an issue with the women letting the cameras film them doing personal private things. Yes, it is their choice and that’s fine. I don’t think they are sluts. But, I have more of an issue with that footage ending up on TV and it doesn’t matter that Showtime is a pay cable channel. I watch other reality TV shows and it’s different. Italian American-based organizations don’t really like Jersey Shore or Mob Wives…many women who like women aren’t feeling season 2. Sometimes criticism works like that. There is definitely something off about season 2 compared to season 1 and I think that’s where a lot of people’s issues come from.
Erhm, I think she just did… because she can. But maybe she can’t can can like you can.
fletcher, these lives are in no way normal. this is a case study in dysfunction, barring the baby mama wannabees. there is nothing genuine or “real” about this show. all of the storylines are contrived as hell, except the baby mammas again, who i’m sure talk about more than sperm. not that we’ll ever see that, of course.
I haven’t ‘laughed out loud’ reading something in a long time..
THIS! made my day: “RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.”
hahahaha
The line that killed me though:
“hi baby these weird guys with cameras are following me around asking me to take my shirt off”
Things Real L Word Girls CAN Handle:
* Dreadlock odor
* Scissoring
I’m just saying maybe we could all learn a thing or two is all
These recaps are gold!
Almost as gold as Vega’s hotpants…almost…
WHEEEE BALDERDASH.
Also Whitney get out of my hood.
MATHNET! I loved mathnet when I was little, but it didn’t actually teach me any math skills (why yes, I had to do remedial math after the second grade (which actually didn’t bother me cause I got to read more in summer school(yes, I’m a nerd(and I use parenthesis too much)))).
Everyone except Whitney and Romi get about 2-3 short scenes per episode. Francine has it the worst b/c I’m sure she does something important/interesting but the viewer would never know. The critic in me thinks that they only bother with Romi because she’ll eventually get naked and have sex on camera. Her journey to self discovery is important but I don’t think the people in charge really care. Why were new cast members even brought on?
I want Scarlett back too…
I hope your happy writing because it seems really stupid that you spend so much time watching and analyzing a show that makes you so pathetically miserable.
Um, pagehits, dawg.
YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY, KELSEY IS EMILY BLUNT. LOOK AT HER. LOOK. AT. HER.
brilliant as always riese. lollerblading around right now.
Oh my god this is just hilarious!!! WAHAHAHA!!! i just cant lol enough!
You know everytime i watch the show and see whitney and her other tattoo-covered crew and chicks, i just wonder how they’re gonna look like 35 years from now – being a grandmama with the tattoos and all… CAN you just imagine?
I have been trying to remember the name of the show that MathNet was a part of for ages and ages. I loved it. Thanks for reminding me!
Oh, and this shows sucks, and your recaps are awesome.
Riese, why do you keep doing this to yourself?
Also read this recap super-high. My feelings:
– ZOMFG SQUARE ONE!!! I fucking loved that show.
– My favorite part was the sperm recap. So many LOLz.
– Riese rules.
I think I would rather watch Square One than this shit.
Cases in point:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q53GmMCqmAM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DzfPcSysAg
JUST SAYING
Also, this comic seems appropriate.
Great recap. So glad Tracy made it into this one. She is terribly missed. Also, Claire was duped in this episode. Kelsey is still awesome. Can’t wait to get my Autostraddle tee! holla
I can get you a better internet Xanax dealer, just sayin’. Then you could write these recaps all benzo’d up and it’d be like “blerhghhhhhhhh cheeeese”, which would still be better than the show fyi.
And there would also be a lot more of “you know what to be honest with you i totally forgot the premise of this scene” under screen caps which would also still be better than the show.
“listen. if that butterfly clip is the metal plate between you and jehovah, you better tell me now”
I laughed so hard I startled MYSELF. G*d bless these recaps.
Absolute Best recap of anything. ever. just ever.
All that wine messes with Kelseys voice, she is super “whiny” how are you going to cry and ask your gf to have sex with you. And if i EVER wrote on a paper and asked a girl “will you be my girlfriend” i would hope she give me the “are you fucking kidding” face. When people say weak ass shit to girls i just be like, “did this basic ass bitch honestly just fall for that”
“So why is Claire so Classic Rock Montage/drunk guy on the side of the road?”
Literally laughed out loud, especially when I saw the picture accompanying the statement. SO FUNNY.