Hey did you hear the one about the girl who did the other girl with the strap-on? Well, you’re about to! Don’t worry it’s not like porn or anything. It’s more like a series of one-act plays composed by precocious junior high students who’d overdosed on Skins and didn’t dislike the “Who Killed Jenny” storyline, and sometimes wish they were as good looking as any of the Humphreys from Gossip Girl.

Haggadahs! Broken glass! Fucking! Screaming! Wrestling! Yelling! Drinking! Hospitals! Exes! Lighting! Long walks on the beach! Psychics! WHAT THE FUCKING FRACK?

After viewing The Real L Word on Sunday night, I submitted myself to intellectual recovery-from-shock therapy: a handful of old Six Feet Under clips, half of Eileen Myles’ poetry book Not Me. I read over my review of Emily Gould’s And the Heart Says Whatever, and thought about how I’d rather finish writing that than write this. But alas. I did this. For you.

For that sacrifice, you all owe Autostraddle money:

This week I watched with Laneia and Jess. Carly emailed me some of her commentary which  I’ve added here and there. Eagle eyes. Did you read our interview with Carlytron about how reality tv works and is edited? It’s seriously fascinating w/r/t #thisfuckingshow.

Anyhow aren’t you so excited! YOU GUYS IT’S GIRLS WHO LIKE GIRLS ON THE TEEVEE! GRAB YOUR GIRLFRIEND, LICK HER FACE, LESBIANS ON THE TV DON’T YOU LIKE IT

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Time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, “questions that confuse Jill, make Tracy laugh uncomfortably and cover topics on which Whitney and Rose are invariably experts.”

Today’s Question: “Do you Use Sex Toys / Have You Been to a Sex Shop? HEY PRETTY LADY HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT STRAP-ONS?”

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Whitney basically lists every sex toy she’s ever heard of: “strap-ons, dildos, vibrators, anal beads if you wanna get freaky with it.” Oh also, she “likes strap-on sex. Giving it.”

Riese: Hey, they’re talking about strap-on sex! I wonder if anyone’s gonna use a strap-on in this episode!
Laneia: HMMM I WONDARRR

Mikey says, “there’s some great contraptions, some swings, slings and things.” This is how we feel about being in a “contraption” with Mikey:

Mikey offers some practical advice for the first time in the history of Mikey:

Mikey: “I would not suggest putting a strap-on in a dishwasher. You throw everything away and you start over again. You really wanna get committed and stay in one relationship, because it’s super-expensive to change girlfriends. At least on my end.”

Laneia: Mikey just made a good point.
Riese: It’s true, it is expensive to buy a new strap-on for each new relationship, especially if someone took too much ambien and somehow got permanent marker on yours.
Laneia: :(

Nikki has a drawer. You know. A Drawer. A drawer of “things.” We’ve compensated for her lack of elaboration with this doodle:

Let’s begin! We get off to a running start with Mikey and her interns in the office! Fascinating!

2 busy 4 haircut (me 2)

Mikey is SUPER busy at work. I wonder why. Kelka Pride? Apocalypse 2012?  Rodeo Disco? Oil Spill? Anthrax? Degrassi Boiling Points Marathon?

Oh something’s around the corner.

What is it? Just guess. COME ON I give you like five guesses okay four. Okay ONE GUESS WHAT IT IS.

Mikey talks so loud in this episode that I’m almost distracted from my usual focus, which is her alternative lifestyle bouffant.

Do You Know What This Shamrock Means? Do YOU?!!! LUCK. IT MEANS I’M GETTING LUCKY TODAY, DON’T PRESS IT

Mikey repeats her weekly recitation, adding some frustration regarding hangers, a phone call, and an “RSVP” list bada bing bada boom next scene please.

Mikey: “THE SEATING CHART AND THE RSVP LIST ARE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FOR THE DESIGNERS as well as the other people who are …” [etc]

Mikey Loves All Caps

Laneia: THIS RSVP LIST IS JUST SO BIG! BIGGER THAN MY DICK EVEN!
Riese: IT’S BIG LIKE MY PENIS! OR MY STRAP-ON!

Mikey is in a panic, as these fascinating tasks won’t do themselves. Who’s Your Daddy indeed.

Laneia: Mikey, honey, it’s just not that hard to put together a list. I did it.
Riese: We all have jobs. We do work. At least you’re getting paid to do yours.
Laneia: We did it for Rodeo Disco 2. No prob.

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SHALOM SESAME!

It’s Passover time! This is a big deal as it honors Moses leading the enslaved Jews out of Egypt and into the land of milk and honey  I MEAN BECAUSE IT’S NIKKI & JILL’S FIRST SEDER AS AN ENGAGED COUPLE AND G-D WILL NEVER LET MY PEOPLE GO IF THE HOUSE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE POTTERY BARN.

Designer Dan, seemingly teleported from a campy/canceled Bravo reality show, has been summoned to prepare the home for holiness, a.k.a. turn his father’s house into a marketplace.

[Sidenote: Passover was March 29th -> April 6th this year, overlapping with Dinah Shore, which we’ll visit in The Real L Word‘s finale. Fashion Week was March 20 and Mikey’s story this ep happens two weeks pre-Fashion Week. Just FYI!]

Designer Dan: I came here already deciding what pieces we should keep and what pieces we should be ready to update —
Nikki: Let’s just talk — we discussed the dining room table.
Designer Dan: It’s a great card table. It’s not a dining room table.
Nikki: Okay, that’s why we called you.

As it was written in the Torah, if your dining room table looks like a card table, then ELIJAH WILL NOT COME. Dan registers a few more complaints about the decor: their curtain rod looks like “a fucking hospital suite,” the paint is “mud on the walls,” the curtains are “old schmatta rags,” and “we DO need a new rug… we DO,” and there are children starving all over the world who need your help! Oh I made up that last part, but it’s true and Nikki can hardly believe it either:

Nikki wants Passover to be OFF THE CHAIN because G-d said “Thou shalt host Passover Seder and it shall be off the chain.” Preach it, Jill —

Jill: “These are the nicest walls and the nicest rug I’ve ever owned, so GO FIGURE.”

But the worst part of this shabby shack of sin? The lighting.

Nikki: “I need a chandelier in here. That’s what I absolutely need.”
Designer Dan: “You absolutely have to have a chandelier here, it’s gonna make the room a little more intimate, it’s gonna bring the volume down a little bit.”

Jill never learned this commandment, obviously:

Riese: I’m always so confused during the Jill/Nikki scenes ’cause I honestly — like I’m not being fresh — cannot locate the source of the conflict and have trouble following what’s happening. Like what’s the problem here exactly?
Laneia: Riese, lighting. Their problem is lighting.
Riese: Because like, I have never thought about this stuff EVER. Do we have a lightbulb in the house? y/n? N? Who has cash, do I have pants on —
Laneia: My problem is health insurance. FYI.
Riese: Mine is that I think T-Mobile shut off my phone. And I deserve it.

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It’s Okay You Can Do Whatever You Want With YOUR Eyebrows, I Just Keep My Own How I Like It

Rose’s grandmother is maybe sick and was given medication but won’t take it because it makes her sleepy. Anyway let’s talk — but not REALLY TALK — about the Rose/Mom flamewar, b/c it’s making Rose’s grandmother sick.

Laneia: I need Grandma to hug me. Now. RIGHT NOW
Riese: Me too. But also ROSE TELL US ABOUT YOUR FUCKING MOM RIGHT NOW OR I STAB YOU IN THE EYE
Laneia: I can’t talk, I love Grandma too much, I need a hug.

Wants to Hug Laneia

Rose is pissed that Mom is calling Angel, which may/may not be why Mom and Rose aren’t talking. Why does Mom need to call Angel, Angel has twitter, this Akita Evita will not shut up and I believe if she tweets nonstop..

Rose will consider making up with her Mom for Grandma’s sake.

Laneia: I can’t believe she missed the chance to say “drama w/ my mama.”

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Now Say After Me: Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board

It’s time for Tracy’s first reading ever! With Stamie’s psychic named ROBIN ALEXIS. Robin ALEXIS is two lesbian names smashed together with an “IS” tagged on.

Tracy is “skeptical” about Robolex, but admits Robolex has predicted Stamie’s future WAY early. Like Robolex predicted an upcoming change, and then change happened.

To perform the reading, RobinAlexis does a mashup combining the following: Natalie Portman’s manic pixie dance in Garden State, The Exorcist (later recalled by Tracy), Shark Week, Dolphin Sounds, the noise of children playing/crying in the back area of a Mormon Church service, Jenny’s mime/circus hallucinations, and Bette Midler’s “Oh Industry” from Beaches.

This is when I discovered closed captioning on my DVD player. The world hasn’t been the same since:

I’m jealous of Jodi, watching TV with closed captions is way better. I thought Miss Cleo was just making bullshit noises, but there’s phonics involved somewhere:

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Tracy: I was expecting for her head to start spinning and for green shit to spew out of her mouth. Like this is too much, get outta here, no way.

Stamie knows the drill:

Whoosh I’m Gonna Grab Your Boobs

Tracy’s Mom is distracting Robinalexa’s energy. Tracy needs to “feel safe being her authentic self.” Which I think is more or less what we’re all struggling with, every day, ain’t it?

Carly: The lady doing Tracy’s reading belongs in a Christopher Guest movie. Is this for real?

Tracy’s Mom needs “consistent spiritual nurturing,” also should acquire this nurturing within the next five months or else the terrorists win/Showtime can’t film it.

It freaks Tracy out because it’s what she needs to hear: someone possibly insane telling you that you MUST do what your heart already wants to do. It’s that little extra nudge. Can you feel it? It feels like a strap-on nudging at your butthole, but lovingly. Also who can’t relate to feeling that their Mom needs “spiritual help” ? Even if your Mom is dead, still.

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I See Those Bananas, What You Did There

This is a HUGE weekend for Whitney’s hair! Paintball is TOMORROW and their first annual WHITE TRASH POOL PARTY is like the next day! Omg how will they do it all I hope somebody’s making a list!

Laneia: This is so dull. Are they making it dull so the strap-on sex will be DYNAMIC.
Riese: Yes, it’ll wake us up like a good dildo poke.

HEY SPEAKING OF.

Whitney: “Tomorrow, I’m packing. When you lose, you’re getting it. I’m gonna strap it on. And the loser gets it.”
Tor: “I don’t care, I’m kicking your ass tomorrow. And then you’re gonna take it like a bitch. I’m gonna be doing the fucking around here. Let me tell ya.”
Whitney: “You are? You wanna top me?”
Tor: “Mmhmm.”
Whitney: “No you don’t.”

Riese: Tops and bottoms. so fascinating and untrodden.
Laneia: I just fell asleep and while I was asleep I went back to men.
Riese: I’ve just gone asexual chic.

But what will Whitney wear to paintball? She has no layers, only “stuff that looks good” which is debatable.

Laneia: SHE HAS NO LAYERS. She is unlike an onion. Or Shrek.
Riese: Tor is storing the puppy in her shirt.

Whitney: “Tor and I have been trying to work out our relationship, we’ve obviously hooked up before, not lately, but obviously we have a lot of tension that needs to be worked out.”

Standing Just Outside of What Your Pride Will Allow

Carly: Robin from the other room: “Whoever wins gets to WHAT?!” Robin is ashamed of the Real L Word and refuses to watch, making her much smarter than the rest of us.

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This Reminds me of my First Crystal Gold-Plated Double-Donged Dildo

Nikki and Jill cannot let Designer Dan go wild in their home. This is not Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, this is not just some 1am HGTV show about rich people making meals for G-d. This is THE REAL L WORD and unless that chandelier can be removed, taken apart, and used to dildo-fuck at least 17 Real Lesbians, it has no place in this episode.  Besides. You know. IT’S SO BIG.

This Chandelier is Poly

Jill: “Oh my god! That’s just one arm? And there’s 16 of em? Is he on crack!”
Nikki: “Gorgeous! More is MORE!”

Riese: This is so weird and irrelevant.
Laneia: I think Nikki is actually being hilarious here. She seems to be thoroughly enjoying this moment.

It’s a little larger than Jill envisioned. Dan tells Nikki that they’ll be like Lesbian Liberaces, which is exactly the kind of nightmare that makes Nikki and Jill giggle.

This scene is also about strap-ons, right? Just checking.

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We Are Gathered Here Today To Mourn the Loss of Three Characters

Paintball Time! Whitney introduces Mikey as “the fucking shit” and Mikey introduces Rose as “her boy” because they “go back 7 or 8 years.” They met at a support group for women who talk too loud; Mikey was the inspiration for Kit’s Drunk Stunt Double on The L Word.

Whitney requests she not be on Tor’s team because of their bet. Tor demonstrates how she’s gonna fuck Whitney:

Alyssa knows the score:

This is sort of like The Revolutionary War, except lesbians are the British, both sides are separate but equal, and there’s no tea:

Rose: “All of our friends are a little more on the athletic side. Not to mention we grew up in the ‘hood, so we know how to shoot.” [beat] “I’m kidding.”

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Carly: I’m shocked she didn’t follow that up with “with my dick.”
Riese: Listening to Mikey talk might literally kill me.
Laneia: Why can’t i think of anything to say.
Riese: Because you said it all during episode 404 of The L Word and it was funnier then.

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Whitney: “We’re like the bad news bears, the motliest crew you’ve ever seen.”

After an informative rundown on the rules of paintball, paintball is played, eventually coming down to Whitney vs. Tor! If this is real life, then fuck me with a strap-on right now, there is a Goddess.

You know what else gets played? Our hearts. By how cute Tor is.

Whitney: “There is one stealth little bandit up at the top of the hill. Creeper Keepers, sneaky snake. Guess who it is? It’s LA FASHION WEEK.”

Just kidding! She didn’t say ‘It’s LA Fashion Week,’ she said “It’s Tor.”

Riese: Robocops!
Laneia: She’s so tiny in that giant helmet!
Riese: This is like how we used to want to see Alice in a winter jacket!
Laneia: YESSSSS!
Riese: I didn’t realize this until now, but I’ve been wanting Tor to wear a paintball outfit all this time! Look at her socks and her little army pants!
Jess: I hope she straps on the paintball gun when she fucks her.
Riese: Jess.
Laneia: I just fell in love w/ Tor AGAIN
Riese: Tor’s like an advertisement for weareallmadeofkittens.tumblr.com.

THIS IS WHERE I WROTE A NOTE TO MYSELF TO WRITE MORE HERE BUT THEN DIDN’T.

Laneia: Tor in a Hoodie Team Tor!
Jess: I kinda wanna do baby koala with Whitney just for funsies.
Laneia: I’ll kick Whitney in the ass.
Riese: I prefer girls that are 5’6 or above BUT I still would like to just cuddle with Tor.
Laneia: Yeah team tor for cuddles #CUDDLETOR!

So tonight is Craft Night, that settles it.

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Yeah I Dunno, Ilene Won’t Let This “The Farm” thing go, she’s making me read it again just to be sure

Tracy is outside reading a script and having some lunch and talking to her Mom. Here’s how we know:

Tracy: “I’m at a park, it’s my lunch hour, and I’m reading a script and eating some lunch.”

Once again, we have speakerphone and we can’t hear a goddamn thing.

Riese: Speakerphone is the new Jodi.
Laneia: Amen.

I Sort of Want Her to Lick this Blackberry, I Don’t Know Why

However, while recapping I discovered close captioning as aforementioned:

Tracy: So how do I convince you to come out for my birthday? I want you to meet Stamie.
Mom: Let’s play that one by ear.
Tracy: Um… so we had sort of a handshake agreement way back that we weren’t to talk about certain things. I think some time has passed and I sorta want to revisit. I wanna revise that agreement.
Mom: It’s hard, it’s not easy and you cannot blame me for the way that I feel and I bet you 100 million mothers out there feel the same way.

Yes, and all 100 million of them are wrong. Besides, Tracy’s been giving her Mom space/time for many years, and now it’s Tracy’s turn to get respect from Mom. Instead, Mom says that things Moms say that make daughters never want to talk to their Moms again:

Mom: You think you are maybe a little confused? Some people go through stages. They like to experiment.
Tracy: I know for me that it’s not. I’d be the first person to raise my hand and say it might be or fess up but it’s not, you know —
Mom: It’s hard, it’s not easy, it takes time.*
Tracy: I know I’m guess I’m very patient but I guess I just wanna include you in all of my life, not just 90% of it.
Mom: I’m not yet at the point where I would feel comfortable seeing you close to that person like you would do with a boy. If you were with a boy, it’s a total different thing to me. You have to be in my shoes, okay?

Mmmk I put on Mom’s shoes and still feel like she should meet Stamie.

*That’s what she said

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Grasp It, Sense It, Tremulous and Tender

Back at Jill and Nikki’s, a lighting fixture is being installed. For all we know, paint is drying as well, and Jill and Nikki are as surprised to see this mundane footage aired as Romi was to see her sex scene on-screen. Then it falls and kills the dogs. JK, nobody dies. This isn’t The L Word, this is the Real L Word where everybody is immortal.

Laneia: Oh Nooooo NOT THE CHANDELIER!
Jess: I’m worried for this guy’s life at this moment.
Riese: But think of the lighting, Jess. Think of the lighting.

Walking on Broken Glass

But let’s not forget about Passover. How will the guests know the difference between saltwater and wine without a giant light in their faces?

Nikki: I’m glad that nobody got hurt, but the chandelier is ruined!

“That chandelier needs to be in this house,” says Nikki. But it is! In pieces. Something similar happened to me 2-10 times with wine bottles, and shards remain in my feet to this day. So.

Jill: “I don’t want it falling on guests, I don’t want it falling on me and you, and I don’t want it falling on the dog.”

Well then who is it supposed to fall on? The Mexicans installing your lighting fixture? This show is racist.

Laneia: Jill has PST, re: chandelier
Riese: PTSD.
Laneia: Right yes, PTSD. I can’t be arsed w/ all of those letters

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Sometimes when I need some “bottom perspective,” I toss a rock onto that bottom and take a look at my life. Other times, I invite Scarlett to help me buy a dildo.

Sometimes, Scarlett has bad ideas, like a red glittery dildo and expensive harness.

Whitney: “Number one, I’m not down with the glitter and number two that does not give good support… this is too fancy pants.”

Sometimes, Scarlett has fantastic ideas:

Sometimes, the shop girl is super-cute:

Sometimes, Whitney steals a line from The L Word –

Whitney: “If I were a guy, I’d have a giant cock.”

And sometimes Whitney buys a gigantic dildo which Scarlett thinks will match Whitney’s skin tone “in winter,” which compliments our Vampire Theory.

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Riese: That thing is bigger than Tor’s abdomen!
Laneia: I vote that she doesn’t even have one, and therefore must procure one for this episode.
Riese: I agree.
Laneia: They’re not even shopping for dildos! She doesn’t even have a HARNESS. Everybody has a fucking harness!
Riese: Good point, Sherlock! I concur.

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The Girls Are Over There Ready for Your Dildo Quick Hurry!

Whitney buys a dildo and lube, now she can go stick her penis in a pie or growl/fly.

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You Know What’s More Fun Than Cake Boss? Sex.

Tor’s wearing her sexypants so Whitney’s ready to ride the pony.

Whitney’s got so many sex toys, she explains,”why not use them?” Like tonight she’s gonna “cash in on her winnings” with Tor, like when you rock Skee-Ball and trade 500 tickets for a plastic mouse-head shaped travel coffee mug and an edible candy necklace.

Riese: That thing is going to literally break her entire body open.
Laneia: She’s having strap-on sex, for the first time, on teevee? Can we take a sympathy shot?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: SYMPATHY CUDDLETOR SHOT!
Riese: Shot for every time someone does something on teevee that nobody should ever do on teevee.

The dynamic duo retire to the bedroom for a long night of hymen-busting.

No cameras were present.

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On “The Real Real World” They Just Tapped the Phones Argh

Rose’s grandmother’s head has exploded because Rose always talks so loud. I mean she has pneunomia, a pain on her side, can’t walk anymore, and her head was eaten by a zombie. Also, Rose’s Dad is on speakerphone because that’s how people communicate on Planet Real.

Riese: I can barely hear my own speakerphone!
Laneia: I’m going to start using speakerphone b/c i think it’ll make me a more authentic lesbian.

They’re gonna go to the hospital, where I can’t make strap-on jokes anymore. Because of death. And illness. And flowers.

Nat doesn’t know what she can do in this situation besides try and support Rose, even if stress turns Rose into a griefmonster.

Laneia: Nothing, sweetie. There is nothing for you to do.
Riese: Grandparents always die. Try being waterboarded. That’s hard.
Carly: Rose is being really intense about her grandma being in the hospital. Family members being rushed off to the hospital is like, totally normal in my world, but maybe that’s not actually normal?

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One Night in Tor

The happy couple wake up the next morning, and Whitney enthusiastically recounts that they did it “balls to the wall” with “no inhibitions.” She says that “victory has been sealed,” unlike Tor’s hymen.

Tor said that it was “fucking amazing” and that “they have something together” and she just “doesn’t know where it’s gonna go.” I do!

You’ll understand better when you’re older/in about ten minutes.

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I Don’t Know, the “Culture” Guy Told Me This Drum Would Add Ambiance

Nikki doesn’t wanna look at the shank bone on the seder plate. Religion is mostly about misery, Nikki, get with it.

Nikki: I don’t want to look at a shank bone, I really don’t, it grosses me out.
Dan: G-d appreciates the effort.

Basically Designer Dan, like George W. Bush, has a direct line to G-d now. Unsurprising.

Nikki is stressing out because,“there is so much pressure to make sure the place is gorgeous and the table is set.” Uh yeah how do you think MOSES felt PARTING THE RED SEA?

Then they have a riveting argument about the chandelier because Nikki wants it and Jill doesn’t. And that’s also what she said.

Laneia: I’m taking this Jillnikki interlude to get vodka. Hope you don’t mind.
Riese: Passover is not about light fixtures or silver or nice tables or lighting!
Jess: I can’t wait for thejewishweek.com to hear about passover dinner featured on Showtime and those nice old Jews sitting through strap-on shopping.

In Case You Forgot, Jill + Nikki = In Love

Nikki pleads with Jill to talk to Dan before she closes her mind to the incredible possibility of this gorgeous chandelier which can bake bread, shampoo dogs, find your keys, and will be installed by purebread Aryan ponies.

Jill: “And let me tell you something: this argument — she is not winning. There is no chandelier in my home. Moving forward.”

Thank you Jill. If you’re looking for ideas, this is what I have in my room:

It’s broken though at the top, like the dome part is cracking? So you can’t bump it!

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CAKEBOSS

THE DAY HAS ARRIVED IT IS WHITE TRASH POOL PARTY DAY I AM SO EXCITED I PUT ON MY WATER WINGS

Whitney: I’m not gonna lie, my sister and I, we come from a little bit of White Trash. If you have more cars that don’t work in your driveway than do, you’re white trash. If you have your main source of beverage as Tang, you might be a little white trash. You know what, it’s a good way to be raised!

Like most of the activities on this show, White Trash Pool Party is, above all else, about white people. In this case, we’re combining white people with bikinis, Jell-o shots, beer, and daylight.

Also there will be creamed corn wrestling. I know you thought that was duck-sperm, but it’s not, nor is it vomit.

LOOK:

Riese: Wait, I’ve spent a lot of time with white trash and there was no creamed corn wrestling.
Laneia: They don’t roll around in vomit/creamed corn.
Riese: Right, vomit goes behind the trailer. Where nobody goes except your uncle to smoke sometimes.
Jess: Aren’t white trash parties supposed to be ironic?

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Laneia: Riese I feel like you can relate to Mikey’s #1 feeling right now.
Riese: What is it, I was staring at the wall, imaging an island of unicorns
Laneia: That she’s the boss and shouldn’t be doing these menial jobs.
Riese: Omg. I relate to Mikey. I need to take a drink.

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I felt guilty when Intern Lily tweeted to thank me for never yelling at her like Mikey does. Although I’d never yell at Intern Lily, I mean look at her, if she cried I’d probs shoot straight to hell via Godsent lightning bolt…

… I do sometimes want to yell at people. But then I don’t, because I’m nice/too busy. It was weird, I showered afterwards.

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Whitney Has Like Five Good Ideas a Day, This is One of Them

Back at the White Trash Pool Party!  Romi aka Trouble has arrived, feather-in-ear, with the rest of her crew.

Whitney informs Scarlett:

Riese: I feel like every week it really is sort of an exercise in seeing how many things that make me feel weird or bored they can fit into 54 minutes.
Laneia: Yes Riese, I think you’re right..
Riese: I have similar feelings about “The Dinah Shore Weekend,” but at least at Dinah Shore I’m around you guys which makes me feel safe.

HEY LADIES looking for a way into Whitney’s “heart”? Well I’ve got some tips for you. Because Whitney tells us why she loves who she loves.

Q: Why Does Whitney Love Scarlett?

Because when Whitney asked Scarlett if she wanted to roll around in canned food —

Q: Why Does Whitney Love Tor?

Because when Whitney asked Tor if she wanted to roll around in canned food —

Whitney and Scarlett wrestle. Scarlett’s got a leg up. Why?

This is true, there’s a girl there dressed like a vagina.

We talked about it later, it’s on tumblr, if you wanna check it out, here it is:

So Jess should have that for you soon.

Whitney is “slightly turned on by this match-up.” Furthermore, Whitney’s alter-ego Austin Powerlesbians suggests, “Maybe we should take this creamed-corn wrestling into the bedroom or something.”

PYT PRODUCTIONS IS THE BAWMB

Jess: Does Tor have a tattoo of a giant bat on her thigh?
Riese: Yes, that’s how Whitney branded her.
Laneia: How do you win this game?
Riese: You kill yourself.

This whole thing makes Romi “sick to her stomach.” Tor seems happy. That’s love up there. Love in a corn-tub.

Laneia: I will cuddle Tor if it’s the last fucking thing I do.
Riese: You know, I feel like we could make that happen.
Laneia: Goal.
Riese: We need a bucket list for things we have to do before we die except by “die” we mean “turn 35.” Or 30.
Laneia: Um 31. For me 31.
Riese: 31. Still not much time. How about until Tracy turns 31?

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My OKCupid Profile Said I Liked Long Talks on The Beach Too

Tracy and Stamie are sitting on the beach looking into the horizon at the lapping waves, talking about how Tracy’s Mom has got it going on with the divorce, and as soon as she deals with that she’ll deal with Tracy’s Homosexual Experiment.

Stamie: Like, your Mom loves you unconditionally, but doesn’t necessarily want all her friends to know that her daughter’s a muff-diver, you know?
Tracy: When you see my Mom you can’t mention “Muff-Diver.”
Stamie: ... that she’s a Clam-Jumper.

Stamie says she’s not gonna do anything embarrassing when she meets Tracy’s Mom, and is supportive and the beach is lovely.

Carly: WHERE ARE THE DOGS? Oh, there are some dogs, but those don’t look like either of their dogs. Maybe there are more dogs on this show than I originally counted, which is a thrilling new development, believe me.

HEY GUESS WHAT?

ARE YOU READY FOR MAJOR BOUNDARIES IN LESBIAN REPRESENTATION TO BE BROKEN? Because we’ve got some flip-cup going on. First you play flip-cup, then you flop a girl onto the bed and ram her with a just-used dildo!

I can’t handle this upcoming scene, so I’m going to try handling it in rhyme. Also, we have an entire post about it because Romi gave Autostraddle her statement on how this makes her feel.

THE BALLAD OF WHITNEY & ROMI

Whitney & Romi like to fuck one another…

Also Romi stole those pants from Tor or her mother

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Jess: DO NOT DRINK KIDS
Laneia: TOR = LILO
Jess: ALCOHOL WILL DO THIS TO YOU

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Romi tells Whitney she’s down with the strap-on

Romi gets undressed, I hope nobody’s wearing a tampon

Who cares about Tor or the people outside

Whitney’ll get on top of Romi and ride ride ride!

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Isn’t this what lesbian stories are really about?
Silly music, camerapeople, and orgasmic shouts!

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Hark, it’s a noise from outside the door
Whatever, fuck it, Whitney wants more more more!

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Riese: omg
Laneia: OHHHH SHIT
Jess: OH MYG ODASdjasopd

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Look who’s on top and who’s on bottom now
Let’s turn on the lights, ladies take a bow, I mean

wow

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The people outside are a little distressed
’cause White Trash Pool Party’s become a Hot Mess

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Tor does what any lady in this situation might do
Gets drunk on Tequila while her paramour screws.

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When it’s all said and done, friends will remain friends
But White Trash Pool Party …

may never

happen

again.

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Riese: you guys not gonna lie
Laneia: asldkfja;seofijjafaowie489
Riese: that made my stomach hurt.
Laneia: dsvk9iguvdskk
Riese: really bad

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Let’s cut to… Passover Seder in the best dining room EVAH!

Laneia: dsvk9iguvdskk
Jess: PASSOVER NOWW?!?!?!??!??!
Laneia: YOU CANNOT JUXTAPOSE PASSOVER AND STRAP-ON SEX
Jess: Who the edited this SHOWW?AS?DA?SDas
Riese: Ilene

Hi I’m Gay Designer Dan And I Can Read With a Puppy!

Laneia: I just died. this is me deadd
Riese: Can we talk about our Ilene Chaiken-imposed media blackout.
Jess: I can’t believe my mother is watching this right now
Laneia: deaaassdfdddd
Jess: That is all I’m thinking about: MY MOM IS WATCHING THIS
Riese: You should’ve had strap-on sex with Whitney/Edward b/c then you would be undead.

[pause in which nobody is giving me the attention I need]

Riese: You should call your Mom, Jess. Laneia just died. I’m just saying.

That Matzoh Sucked Imma Eat Your Face Now

Laneia: I can’t believe they put strap-on cheater sex in the same episode as Grandma, Pneumonia and Passover.
Jess: It just went “Vaginas, Passover, Dying Grandma.”
Riese: I guess Fashion Weak is next.
Laneia: ohhhhh hollar.
Jess: …and Tracy & Stamie are sidelined, per ushe.
Laneia: I’d rather watch puppies hump each other.

Even the Puppy is Made of Kittens Dot Com

Nikki: No disrespect to Passover, but you know, it’s good to keep the laughter going.

It’s the funniest seder of all time, the ladies testify, because of all the funny fey gay men making jokes about Moses’s rod!

Jill misses her family. Also, Nikki wants to give Jill the world. Why? Because Jill gives Nikki the world. Eye for an eye.

HAHAHA YOU WON’T EVER BE AS HAPPY AS NIKKI AND JILL YOU MISERABLE SLUTS!

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Riese: This is the opposite of sex.
Laneia: This is the opposite of a lot of things.
Riese: Fun.
Laneia: The list is too massive.

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Approximately As Much Fun as It Looks

Rose wants to punch a dog in the ear BEcause Grandma’s sick, but instead she’s gotta go out. Her party promoter friend is throwing a party, and party promoters force people to attend parties, that’s their job.

Rose wonders if Mom called Angel. And if she did, did Angel tell her to turn around girlfriend and listen to that boy’s song?

Nat: Rose was being kinda bitchy all day. Which is understandable and I’m trying to be understanding of that. But when Rose is mad at me, she kinda hits me where it hurts. And Angel’s her ex-girlfriend.

Nat must’ve also seen Stamie’s psychic, because she predicts a fight’ll ensue. And it does.

It’s one of those really emotional fights where everyone is super honest and productive and addresses all the important issues.

Rose: Nat, you’re being a bitch.
Nat: No, you’ve BEEN — you’ve BEEN —
Rose: I’m asking you for the third time to fucking stop right now.
Nat: Don’t talk to me like you’re my Mom, ’cause you’re not.
Rose: If I’m being a bitch, then everybody’s being fucking stupid.
Nat: No, you’re being a total fucking asshole is what you’re doing.
Rose: You’re being a heartless fucking bitch–
Nat: I’m heartless? Whatever, okay. I’m heartless–
Rose: Bye, Nat.

Laneia: “I’m your girfriend; don’t be a dick.” Love it.
Riese: But feel free to strap one on!

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Raquel Worksalot and Her Cullen Ring Have a Tea Party

Raquel and Mikey go on Date Night, but let’s be real here: you don’t care, and neither do we.

Laneia: omg I just realized something: how lucky are we that Mikey wasn’t invited to the white trash party.
Riese: ikr
Laneia: small things

Raquel, like us, wants Mikey to stop talking about LA Fashion Week/work when they have their veryveryspecial time together. This makes Mikey almost cry again, she should be on America’s Next Top Model.

Mikey: You lose perspective, like what matters in life, you know what I mean. So yeah, it’s not easy to turn it off, you’re like adddicted to it.

Get it? LIKE A WORKAHOLIC HAHAHAHA!

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This Got Me Thinking About How Much I Miss Rohan

Nat heads downstairs to hang with DJ Jazzy LesboSister. Rose stays upstairs, where she turns down wine in favor of a shot, good call. Then Angel sends Rose a text and Rose decides to text back because Angel “kinda makes me feel better sometimes.”

At some point, Rose leaves the club, and Rose’s friends volunteer to take Nat home. JUST NOBODY MENTION THE STRIPPER!

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The Morning/Minute After

Romi puts her partypants, hat, and feather-earring back on, ready to face the music/party. Whitney talks to the camera about how drunk she is.

Laneia: I think the answer to Whitney’s problem is STOP DRINKING SO GODDAMN MUCH.
Riese: corn in the hair. corn in the hair. corn corn corn corn corn in the hair.
Riese: corn is in
Riese: her
Riese: hair there is corn in it.

Whitney: Romi and I just came in here and unexpectedly hooked up on the bed. I did not expect this. There’s a party out there, and people were knocking. I’m not really sure what just happened.

Luckily it’s all on tape for later!!

Laneia: Omg she is SO DRUNK
Riese: …and i have corn in my hair
Jess: DRUNK FACE
Laneia: This is gross. THIS IS SO GROSS
Riese: I can’t stop thinking about the corn in her hair
Laneia: TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING HAT, YOU DOUCHE!

On a scale of one to 10, everybody is upset with Whitney. Especially Tor.

Tor: Where the fuck were you, you were just in a room with fucking Romi forever. You’re just being such a fucking bitch. Seriously like you’re being such a fucking douche. Can’t you go to Romi’s house to bone?
Whitney: I’m a piece of shit. I don’t know why you talk to me.
Tor: Like you’re letting people that care about you and love you down. For what.

Tor: Just go. It’s your world, baby.

The rest of us just have to watch you live in it.

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On the Night We Died I Swear I’ll Stand Outside Your Window

Nat drives home with friends, crying. Rose isn’t home and for some inexplicable reason, Nat doesn’t have a g-ddamn key to her own house. Nat is telling you, she’s not going nowhere, but if she does, it’ll be because “my Mom always taught me to love myself first.” Nat goes back to her sister’s place, where her friends suggest that Rose is with Angel. Don’t worry, they’re still together now, so everything will be fine, the dogs are ok, Nat’s hair looks great.

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What, It’s Not Like New Corn is Gonna Grow in My Hair or Something

Whitney’s crying. She feels “overwhelmed.” She never loses it but then push came to shove.

Whitney: “I just am fucked up.”
Scarlett: “Why are you fucked up?”
Whitney: “I don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes… and then Tor is pissed.”

Riese: ‘i don’t know, i’m on this show and it’s like I’m constantly being egged on to act out the worst part of myself for their entertainment’
Laneia: WHY does Whitney need her friends to translate THE OBVIOUS
Riese: ‘and because i am already a kinda egocentric person, this works for me, because i like attention, and then before i know it i’ve become a caricature of myself, and yes, it’s true, it’s me, but also, it’s not something i should be acting so proud of, but i am, because the producers are proud of me when i act this way, and human beings crave attention/approval.’

Alyssa lays the smackdown about how it’s gross to share a bed with Tor, fuck her on it, roll around in creamed corn, get creamed corn all up in your fucking dreds, fuck another girl on the bed with the same strap-on, and then expect to take your nasty-ass creamed corn hair and your white trash tangy davy crockett pellet piece of shit hat back into your dingy matress with Tor, who should be CUDDLING, CUDDLING, with somebody… anybody. Else.

Alyssa: “There are other people’s feelings like floating around and you can’t stomp all over them and expect evrything to be fine.”

Laneia: hug that moment, whitney

Whitney: “This is not even me. Or may — I mean.” [PAUSE] “Maybe it is me.”

And that’s the end, girls.

Anyone interested in a teachable moment? Once upon a time, I was an asshole to a girl I really liked for complicated, inexcusable non-reasons. She’d studied psych at NYU so when the time came she had the textbook handy to explain to me Harry Stack Sullivan’s “Theory of Personification.”  Harry was a psychiatrist and also, maybe, a homo, and also, definitely, a weirdo/loner who studied personality development but didn’t ever get on well with other humans. It’s interesting how that works, yeah?

Stack-Sullivan’s theory is that as babies we start developing, via social interactions and selective attention/inattention, three basic ways of seeing ourselves: Bad-Me, Good-Me and Not-Me.

The “bad-me” is the negative shit we hide from others or ourselves. We get anxious when we remember “bad-me” things we’ve done or feel ensuing guilt.

The “good-me” is our inner unicorn, it’s everything we love about ourselves. “Good-me” causes no anxiety, so it basically envelops all our behavior around other people.

The “not-me” is the dark rebellious gross cruel pit in our gut that strikes us with so much anxiety that we reject those aspects of ourselves altogether. We hide the “not-me” from our awareness by pushing it into the unconscious.

So now everytime I almost say “it’s not me,” that’s what I think about. It’s also what I think about when someone else says “it’s not me.” Clearly it is you, it was you. You just can’t fathom looking at that part of you. You never even learned how to look at it, you know?

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Carly: Next week: Mikey proposes to her Tranny girlfriend at an event which does not exist! Can’t wait!

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