HEY GUESS WHAT?
ARE YOU READY FOR MAJOR BOUNDARIES IN LESBIAN REPRESENTATION TO BE BROKEN? Because we’ve got some flip-cup going on. First you play flip-cup, then you flop a girl onto the bed and ram her with a just-used dildo!
I can’t handle this upcoming scene, so I’m going to try handling it in rhyme. Also, we have an entire post about it because Romi gave Autostraddle her statement on how this makes her feel.
THE BALLAD OF WHITNEY & ROMI
Whitney & Romi like to fuck one another…
Also Romi stole those pants from Tor or her mother
+
Jess: DO NOT DRINK KIDS
Laneia: TOR = LILO
Jess: ALCOHOL WILL DO THIS TO YOU
+
Romi tells Whitney she’s down with the strap-on
Romi gets undressed, I hope nobody’s wearing a tampon
Who cares about Tor or the people outside
Whitney’ll get on top of Romi and ride ride ride!
+
Isn’t this what lesbian stories are really about?
Silly music, camerapeople, and orgasmic shouts!
+
Hark, it’s a noise from outside the door
Whatever, fuck it, Whitney wants more more more!
+
Riese: omg
Laneia: OHHHH SHIT
Jess: OH MYG ODASdjasopd
+
Look who’s on top and who’s on bottom now
Let’s turn on the lights, ladies take a bow, I mean
wow
+
The people outside are a little distressed
’cause White Trash Pool Party’s become a Hot Mess
+
Tor does what any lady in this situation might do
Gets drunk on Tequila while her paramour screws.
+
When it’s all said and done, friends will remain friends
But White Trash Pool Party …
may never
happen
again.
+
Riese: you guys not gonna lie
Laneia: asldkfja;seofijjafaowie489
Riese: that made my stomach hurt.
Laneia: dsvk9iguvdskk
Riese: really bad
+
Let’s cut to… Passover Seder in the best dining room EVAH!
Laneia: dsvk9iguvdskk
Jess: PASSOVER NOWW?!?!?!??!??!
Laneia: YOU CANNOT JUXTAPOSE PASSOVER AND STRAP-ON SEX
Jess: Who the edited this SHOWW?AS?DA?SDas
Riese: Ilene
Hi I’m Gay Designer Dan And I Can Read With a Puppy!
Laneia: I just died. this is me deadd
Riese: Can we talk about our Ilene Chaiken-imposed media blackout.
Jess: I can’t believe my mother is watching this right now
Laneia: deaaassdfdddd
Jess: That is all I’m thinking about: MY MOM IS WATCHING THIS
Riese: You should’ve had strap-on sex with Whitney/Edward b/c then you would be undead.
[pause in which nobody is giving me the attention I need]
Riese: You should call your Mom, Jess. Laneia just died. I’m just saying.
That Matzoh Sucked Imma Eat Your Face Now
Laneia: I can’t believe they put strap-on cheater sex in the same episode as Grandma, Pneumonia and Passover.
Jess: It just went “Vaginas, Passover, Dying Grandma.”
Riese: I guess Fashion Weak is next.
Laneia: ohhhhh hollar.
Jess: …and Tracy & Stamie are sidelined, per ushe.
Laneia: I’d rather watch puppies hump each other.
Even the Puppy is Made of Kittens Dot Com
Nikki: No disrespect to Passover, but you know, it’s good to keep the laughter going.
It’s the funniest seder of all time, the ladies testify, because of all the funny fey gay men making jokes about Moses’s rod!
Jill misses her family. Also, Nikki wants to give Jill the world. Why? Because Jill gives Nikki the world. Eye for an eye.
HAHAHA YOU WON’T EVER BE AS HAPPY AS NIKKI AND JILL YOU MISERABLE SLUTS!
+
Riese: This is the opposite of sex.
Laneia: This is the opposite of a lot of things.
Riese: Fun.
Laneia: The list is too massive.
+
+
Approximately As Much Fun as It Looks
Rose wants to punch a dog in the ear BEcause Grandma’s sick, but instead she’s gotta go out. Her party promoter friend is throwing a party, and party promoters force people to attend parties, that’s their job.
Rose wonders if Mom called Angel. And if she did, did Angel tell her to turn around girlfriend and listen to that boy’s song?
Nat: Rose was being kinda bitchy all day. Which is understandable and I’m trying to be understanding of that. But when Rose is mad at me, she kinda hits me where it hurts. And Angel’s her ex-girlfriend.
Nat must’ve also seen Stamie’s psychic, because she predicts a fight’ll ensue. And it does.
It’s one of those really emotional fights where everyone is super honest and productive and addresses all the important issues.
Rose: Nat, you’re being a bitch.
Nat: No, you’ve BEEN — you’ve BEEN —
Rose: I’m asking you for the third time to fucking stop right now.
Nat: Don’t talk to me like you’re my Mom, ’cause you’re not.
Rose: If I’m being a bitch, then everybody’s being fucking stupid.
Nat: No, you’re being a total fucking asshole is what you’re doing.
Rose: You’re being a heartless fucking bitch–
Nat: I’m heartless? Whatever, okay. I’m heartless–
Rose: Bye, Nat.
Laneia: “I’m your girfriend; don’t be a dick.” Love it.
Riese: But feel free to strap one on!
Raquel Worksalot and Her Cullen Ring Have a Tea Party
Raquel and Mikey go on Date Night, but let’s be real here: you don’t care, and neither do we.
Laneia: omg I just realized something: how lucky are we that Mikey wasn’t invited to the white trash party.
Riese: ikr
Laneia: small things
Raquel, like us, wants Mikey to stop talking about LA Fashion Week/work when they have their veryveryspecial time together. This makes Mikey almost cry again, she should be on America’s Next Top Model.
Mikey: You lose perspective, like what matters in life, you know what I mean. So yeah, it’s not easy to turn it off, you’re like adddicted to it.
Get it? LIKE A WORKAHOLIC HAHAHAHA!
+
This Got Me Thinking About How Much I Miss Rohan
Nat heads downstairs to hang with DJ Jazzy LesboSister. Rose stays upstairs, where she turns down wine in favor of a shot, good call. Then Angel sends Rose a text and Rose decides to text back because Angel “kinda makes me feel better sometimes.”
At some point, Rose leaves the club, and Rose’s friends volunteer to take Nat home. JUST NOBODY MENTION THE STRIPPER!
The Morning/Minute After
Romi puts her partypants, hat, and feather-earring back on, ready to face the music/party. Whitney talks to the camera about how drunk she is.
Laneia: I think the answer to Whitney’s problem is STOP DRINKING SO GODDAMN MUCH.
Riese: corn in the hair. corn in the hair. corn corn corn corn corn in the hair.
Riese: corn is in
Riese: her
Riese: hair there is corn in it.
Whitney: Romi and I just came in here and unexpectedly hooked up on the bed. I did not expect this. There’s a party out there, and people were knocking. I’m not really sure what just happened.
Luckily it’s all on tape for later!!
Laneia: Omg she is SO DRUNK
Riese: …and i have corn in my hair
Jess: DRUNK FACE
Laneia: This is gross. THIS IS SO GROSS
Riese: I can’t stop thinking about the corn in her hair
Laneia: TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING HAT, YOU DOUCHE!
On a scale of one to 10, everybody is upset with Whitney. Especially Tor.
Tor: Where the fuck were you, you were just in a room with fucking Romi forever. You’re just being such a fucking bitch. Seriously like you’re being such a fucking douche. Can’t you go to Romi’s house to bone?
Whitney: I’m a piece of shit. I don’t know why you talk to me.
Tor: Like you’re letting people that care about you and love you down. For what.
Tor: Just go. It’s your world, baby.
The rest of us just have to watch you live in it.
On the Night We Died I Swear I’ll Stand Outside Your Window
Nat drives home with friends, crying. Rose isn’t home and for some inexplicable reason, Nat doesn’t have a g-ddamn key to her own house. Nat is telling you, she’s not going nowhere, but if she does, it’ll be because “my Mom always taught me to love myself first.” Nat goes back to her sister’s place, where her friends suggest that Rose is with Angel. Don’t worry, they’re still together now, so everything will be fine, the dogs are ok, Nat’s hair looks great.
What, It’s Not Like New Corn is Gonna Grow in My Hair or Something
Whitney’s crying. She feels “overwhelmed.” She never loses it but then push came to shove.
Whitney: “I just am fucked up.”
Scarlett: “Why are you fucked up?”
Whitney: “I don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes… and then Tor is pissed.”
Riese: ‘i don’t know, i’m on this show and it’s like I’m constantly being egged on to act out the worst part of myself for their entertainment’
Laneia: WHY does Whitney need her friends to translate THE OBVIOUS
Riese: ‘and because i am already a kinda egocentric person, this works for me, because i like attention, and then before i know it i’ve become a caricature of myself, and yes, it’s true, it’s me, but also, it’s not something i should be acting so proud of, but i am, because the producers are proud of me when i act this way, and human beings crave attention/approval.’
Alyssa lays the smackdown about how it’s gross to share a bed with Tor, fuck her on it, roll around in creamed corn, get creamed corn all up in your fucking dreds, fuck another girl on the bed with the same strap-on, and then expect to take your nasty-ass creamed corn hair and your white trash tangy davy crockett pellet piece of shit hat back into your dingy matress with Tor, who should be CUDDLING, CUDDLING, with somebody… anybody. Else.
Alyssa: “There are other people’s feelings like floating around and you can’t stomp all over them and expect evrything to be fine.”
Laneia: hug that moment, whitney
Whitney: “This is not even me. Or may — I mean.” [PAUSE] “Maybe it is me.”
And that’s the end, girls.
Anyone interested in a teachable moment? Once upon a time, I was an asshole to a girl I really liked for complicated, inexcusable non-reasons. She’d studied psych at NYU so when the time came she had the textbook handy to explain to me Harry Stack Sullivan’s “Theory of Personification.” Harry was a psychiatrist and also, maybe, a homo, and also, definitely, a weirdo/loner who studied personality development but didn’t ever get on well with other humans. It’s interesting how that works, yeah?
Stack-Sullivan’s theory is that as babies we start developing, via social interactions and selective attention/inattention, three basic ways of seeing ourselves: Bad-Me, Good-Me and Not-Me.
The “bad-me” is the negative shit we hide from others or ourselves. We get anxious when we remember “bad-me” things we’ve done or feel ensuing guilt.
The “good-me” is our inner unicorn, it’s everything we love about ourselves. “Good-me” causes no anxiety, so it basically envelops all our behavior around other people.
The “not-me” is the dark rebellious gross cruel pit in our gut that strikes us with so much anxiety that we reject those aspects of ourselves altogether. We hide the “not-me” from our awareness by pushing it into the unconscious.
So now everytime I almost say “it’s not me,” that’s what I think about. It’s also what I think about when someone else says “it’s not me.” Clearly it is you, it was you. You just can’t fathom looking at that part of you. You never even learned how to look at it, you know?
+
Carly: Next week: Mikey proposes to her Tranny girlfriend at an event which does not exist! Can’t wait!
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
KELKA PRIDE!! icantbelieveyoujustsaid KELKA PRIDE!!!
Yes! I appreciated that too.
Still sad that they never finished the last few episodes of The L Word. Is there a petition I can sign somewhere?
i think they rode away on a unicorn and lived happily ever after :)
these recaps are like the old kelka podcasts. i only watch the show to understand the recaps, which was obvs ways better than the show.
After reading that RealityTv expert tips and tricks of showbiz ,I actually tuned in and watched this entire episode just to look for anything suspicious. /AS influences me.
Also did anybody do a word count of how many times they said the word “feelings” and how people don’t understand them, I feel like they said it atleast 20 times.
I can’t get past the fact that in Mikey’s email the word entrance is spelled ENTTRANCE!! Wondering if she actually sent that out to guests is probably going to keep me up all night.
every original graphic in this recap made me LOL SO FUCKING HARD that i had to cover my face, get up, drink some water, spit in a sink and REGROUP.
i love you a lot.
JESUS CHRIST, WORLD. TAYLOR MADE A DOODLE OF EDWARD CULLEN IN A STRAP-ON. THERE ARE NO WORDS.
srsly. taylor, you are a unicorn.
These recaps make me laugh so hard that I cry and maybe drool a little on my couch.
GOOD THING I DID NOT SIGN A WAIVER. That would be awkward.
holy mother of god you are all hilarious.
ho boy. the psychic closed-captioning.
I laughed so hard I lost my computer on the floor and the battery fell out and I had to re-start it.
also, THIS:
“So now everytime I almost say “it’s not me,” that’s what I think about. It’s also what I think about when someone else says “it’s not me.” Clearly it is you, it was you. You just can’t fathom looking at that part of you. You never even learned how to look at it, you know?”
did anyone else notice the lady in the painting in rose’s grandma’s house?
the lady WITH HER BOOBS NAHGING OUT??
is rose’s grandma a lesbian too?
I HAVE THAT LAMP
I have it too!! Or at least I did. I had the misfortune of walking into it drunk. It never worked after that.
R.I.P Lamp!
mine got broken in a moving truck and after that it had a gangsta lean.
Natalie needs a sassy gay friend.
Yes!
why are nikki’s fingernails so long? i thought she was gay.
umm. hahaha. this is how i survive the episode. i read and watch at the same time. if only there were real people on this show, with real lives, it would play out a lot like this recap. if. only.
Thank you, again. I only had a really crappy amount of money left on my credit card but I still gave it you anyway. It might buy you like…a cookie? Or maybe 3 light bulbs for Nikki and Jill’s chandelier?
riese when i make it big i’m gonna buy you a chandelier. just you wait girl.
also i don’t even want to know that strapons exist anymore
holy baby jesus. this was epic.
I have no idea how to do the link thing. As soon as I saw this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3zLR2WhV4o, I thought of Whitney.
There is seriously no need for me to watch this awful show about lesbian fame whoring in LA because your recaps I’m guessing are like 100 million times more entertaining.
Laneia: How do you win this game?
Riese: You kill yourself.
<3
“Alyssa lays the smackdown about how it’s gross to share a bed with Tor, fuck her on it, roll around in creamed corn, get creamed corn all up in your fucking dreds, fuck another girl on the bed with the same strap-on, and then expect to take your nasty-ass creamed corn hair and your white trash tangy davy crockett pellet piece of shit hat back into your dingy matress with Tor, who should be CUDDLING, CUDDLING, with somebody… anybody. Else.”
That was definitely one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
This recap was aces! Full of despair and dread, just like my own personal viewing of this episode. I just kept thinking to myself, “I hope my mom doesn’t have Showtime anymore, or else I can never see her again.” This show is ruining all of our happy lesbian lives.
Agreed!
Seriously that paragraph made me laugh so hard at my desk I had to feign coughing at the risk of making a scene. This has happened before.
I’m fairly certain I can never see my mom again.
Does Whitney really think sleeping with Tor is some kind of thing to collect? I wonder if she just does this to posture for the cameras. When I slept with guys I avoided guys who treated women like this like the plague, sad state of affairs if she really thinks the way she treated Tor. Also if that dildo wasn’t washed in between Romi must have been hurting the next day. Condoms people, even for strap-ons.
If you steal Jeff Foxworthy’s material, you might be white trash.
i hate this show.
so booring!
i hate whitney!
(someday i’ll have a positive post…)
Harnesses are way harder to clean than dildos. (That is all I have to say about this show. But fabulous recap, as always!)
last night i was at the bar chatting with a friend about this show and she was like, “omg that show it TERRIBLE. WHY IS IT SO TERRIBLE.”
and i said, “bc of IFC.”
and she goes, “who’s that?”
and i said, –well, first i hung my head low bc i was like, oh man, if only i didn’t know who she was too. what i would give for that, or for her to stop ruining our lives/progress/etc.– so anyway, i said, “she is the creator of the L word. the real one. now think of every episode of TLW that you hated.”
[she listed them quickly in her brain and then]
“those episodes? the really bad ones. the facepalm episodes. there’s a good chance she wrote every single one of those.”
and then this moment of clarity came over and she was all, “omg fuck her. fuck IFC. seriously.”
This is great.
I keep reading ‘IFC’ to mean the Independent Film Channel and it befuddles me because I like that channel. Then I get it’s Chaiken.
So everyone has her as ‘effin’ Chaiken, correct? Unless her middle name starts with an F. F as in fail. Frigged it up.
This was so freaking hilarious!
While I appreciated pretty much every single thing about this recap, I would like to dedicate my $10 donation to the “Tor-a The Explorer” graphic. That shit was HILARIOUS.
Autostraddle works hard.
i made that one! WHOO-HOOO!
if this were the Tracy and Stamie show it might be kinda worth watching.
I feel chunks rise in my throat at every screen shot of the creamed corn, so I had to scroll past it reallyreally fast, which was unfortunate because if they were Turkish Oil Wrestling, it could have been kind of hot. Even canola oil, since it was a white trash party, and maybe Turkish Oil is expensive? idk
Also, I laughed out loud several times while reading this recap, which I never do. Thank you all for watching this so I don’t have to/and later admitsay that I did. Robin, I would stand in the kitchen with you girl.
Riese I just wanted to say, great job with that exorcist picture. You must have learned a lot this week about photoshop, and opacity. It almost looks like her real head!
i also really enjoyed the LA FASHION WEEK graphic. very tasteful and understated.
One time I went to Vegas with some friends and we decided to see a Cirque du Soleil show and chose Zumanity, which is the adults only porn-ish one.
There were naked midgets, topless clowns, oily contortionists, and some lady singing “sex is beautiful” while wearing some sort of vulva-zela on her head.
It was horrifying and I was so turned off I didn’t want to have sex for like, a month.
That strap-on scene was worse. Oh man. My vagina just packed her bags and ran away.
i thought the dancing vagina part was epic…
a masterpiece!!!!
EPIC recap for possibly the most painful hour of television ever. Also- thanks for all the kittens!
I wish someone could force IFC to read your recaps. Just to teach Miss Teacher what it’s like to be creative…
Thank you all for cracking me up EVERY time, because I really need a good laugh after watching this horrible show.
RIESE/TEAM AS…YOU ARE GOLDEN GODDESSES!
Love this recap.
Fucking hilarious.
thanks for recapping this horrendous episode and making me laugh so hard that the priest at the next table was looking at me like i was insane.
so I clicked on the link and re-read the season 4 recap of the real, original, awesome L Word. it reminded how much I loved that show & how much it sucks that this is supposed to be a good replacement…
“Tracy: I know I’m guess I’m very patient but I guess I just wanna include you in all of my life, not just 90% of it.”
All I have to say is, if my girlfriend ever says I only account for 10% of her life, she’ll find me accounting for 0%, approximately 10 seconds after that.
noted.
creamed corn wrestling!?! WTF? how? what? why?
i can’t even form a sentence. watching them pour that crap in the pool made my stomach turn. who decided this made good tv? the infamous IFC, i presume? how is it possible with all the hours upon hours of footage they had that this made into the series? & how many lesbians roll around in creamed corn? that number has to be minuscule.
& the strap-on scene and and everything else. omg.
ultimately, i just feel very sad. i wonder if that’s supposed to be the outcome of this ridiculous show.
Did anyone else notice that there weren’t even paintballs coming out of the paintball guns? This bothered me more than anything else, it was completely fake. I mean, I know they had to set up the last two players, but they could have at least really shot at eachother right? Is my TV broken?
I noticed too, it was completely underwhelming! And I thought Tor had already been eliminated?
The *screenshots* of this episode burned my eyes out. The only good part was the glimpse of Romi’s boobs, but even that was tainted by the horrible strap-on sex and airing of said atrocities w/o Romi’s consent.
IFC has tainted boobs for me. That has never, ever happened before.
Haha, that Gold Eternity Dildo. I wondered who would ever buy such a ludicrous luxury sex toy. And you know what? It would totally be Nikki.
Ummm…isn’t IFC reliving some of her L-word characters here Jill/Nikki a bit like Tina/Bette.Wouldn’t Whitney’s exploits be similar to a slightly more graphic and less likable Shane ? Where the hell is my fave character the nutty yet beautiful Jenny Schecter? I like Riese had to try to erase my memory of this episode.I used some silly T & S banter vids which seemed to help quite a lot.Until I read this recap.The next big question is who will IFC kill off.I think the whole cast would work for me.Except for Tor I kinda like her.
You guys are hilarious. I have been fan of your recaps for years…!!
Since the Real L Word premiered i have been wondering how low can Ilene Chaiken go this time. Now i know, VERY LOW!
The last episode was embarassing even for a reality show.
I know that these characters don’t represent anyone else but themselves, but still they make me feel uncomfortable as a gay person.
I’m still wondering why some intelligent people agreed in the first place to take part in IC’s masterpiece.
For instance, Tracy. I believe she had the honest intention to put herself out there so as to inspire young gay people and help the community etc. But really, what was she thinking? Didn’t she watch the L Word? She’s a TV producer for Christ sake. I hope her association with IC’s trashy reality won’t hurt her career. I suspect that her girlfriend had something to do with this. She wanted to promote her own acting career through Tracy.
As for Nikki and Jill, i’m wondering if they have realized by now that they are presented as unbearably shallow.
To perform the reading, RobinAlexis does a mashup combining the following: Natalie Portman’s manic pixie dance in Garden State, The Exorcist (later recalled by Tracy), Shark Week, Dolphin Sounds, the noise of children playing/crying in the back area of a Mormon Church service, Jenny’s mime/circus hallucinations, and Bette Midler’s “Oh Industry” from Beaches.
– this would be my favorite part of the summary but it’s like making Sophie’s Choice because it’s always hilarious especially the “bump it” mikey and whoreface whitney comments and the unrelatability of chandelier shopping
Donated 10 bucks. I probs should’ve given more, but hopefully if everyone gives 10, you can buy a sufficient amount of weed to get you through watching the rest of the season. That’s what I hope my money would be going toward, at least.
“Speakerphone is the new Jodi”
I laughed so hard I spilled hot beverage all over my lap.
haha, same here :p
and its sooo true :p
I have a great dating site to share with all you http://www.thebestdatingapps.com/ The best dating apps reviews make it easier for singles to find the best dating apps . Join the best dating apps free now!