I Like You So Much I Talk to Everyone But You
Tracy and Amy are going to have brunch, which is like breakfast + lunch. Tracy’s Mom asked Amy about Stamie, which rhymes and is a good sign. That also rhymes.
WHO’S GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH ME?!!!
Nikki & Jill are wandering the countryfields of Los Angeles in search of a space/”estate” to host the Celebration of Love Committed for All Of Time, Even Israeli Calendar Time.
Los Angeles people, in addition to being afraid to merge, seem to be obsessed with leaving one space for another space and evaluating said space for a Purpose of the Future. It’s sort of like living in Tomorrowland, but boring, and about real estate instead of talking toys and space cars.
Nikki is obsessed with the house in Malibu. She loves it. Once you get to this level of house, really, what’s there to complain about? All I dream of in life is a small patch of farmland, a dishwasher, my friends, and goat cheese. And honsetly I’d settle, at this point, for a dishwasher.
Carly: They are like the movie It’s Complicated, which is actually about Meryl Streep’s struggle to make a larger gourmet kitchen in her mansion.
Perfect for a Home Birth
Nikki makes a good point about the value of this home: “It doesn’t even need art on the walls.”
Riese: ‘It doesn’t even need art on the walls’ right totally.
Laneia: That doesn’t even make sense.
Carly: Wait what are they doing?
Riese: That’s what I think when I’m checking to see if the shower is in the kitchen: “Does it need art on the walls?”
“The Only Thing Wrong With This House is That I Don’t Own It.” – Nikki
Carly: Are they buying a house?
Laneia: VENUE.
Riese: I think this is a wedding location. Or it’s for LA Fashion WeekEND.
Laneia: 2 ACRES WORTH OF PARKING.
Carly: Is this HGTV?
Riese: Why do they care about how nice the workout room is for a wedding?
Yes, This is Just How the Oracle Said it Would Be
This house is unbelievable. Nikki loves the floor. The indoor/outdoor. Also, Nikki has already seen the whole wedding in her mind. She saw Jill walking down the aisle with her parents. In her dress. IN THIS HOUSE.
Carly: She has special powers! she can see the future! She can see the wedding! It already happened in her mind!
This seems like the kind of house where Ryan Atwood would get a catering job and then feel awkward when Marissa shows up with Luke in expensive clothing. They should get it, def. GO TEAM.
La da di la da da la di di la da da. Only 8 editors have come. Eight isn’t great. Carly is already suffering short-term memory loss. As Mikey degenerates, so do we.
+
Riese: Are they in NYC?
Laneia: Si
Carly: What? Who?
Riese: This isn’t the Spanish part, Laneia.
Laneia: There are Spanish people in NYC.
Carly: NYC?
Laneia: Can’t you tell from THE BRIDGE?!
Carly: Who is in New York City?
WE GOT YOUR B-ROLL
+
Somebody made a wrong turn on their way to the Dog Fancy convention:
Mikey knows The PR Person can’t make people appear out of nowhere. You know what Mikey needs is a good PR Person who’ll ensure ahead of time (a.k.a. “somewhere”) that people actually come… oh.
Carly: This event is like when your middle school had the holiday craft fair, and everyone wore sweaters over turtlenecks and you walked around and had to buy awful crafts.
Riese: At least you can play with the crafts though.
SEE Doesn’t This Google Image Search Result for “Craft Fair” Look Fun?
Riese: Actually though it is super awkward to be the only press at a press event.
Carly: I have been to press events like that! It’s soooo boring.
Laneia: They should’ve had a DJ.
Riese: Yeah like Carmen or Carlytron
Carly: mmhm
I Have a Pretty Dress and Now I Fond a Pretty House and I Already Have a Pretty Girlfriend So I Am Basically Pretty Oh So Pretty
NIKKI IS OBSESSED WITH THE HOUSE IN MALIBU AND SHE JUST NEEDS TO CONVINCE JILL. Also, FYI, Nikki was diagnosed with anxiety a while back, like most of us here at Autostraddle. We’re self-medicating as we speak, in fact.
Carly: Anxiety, give me a break.
Riese: Don’t we all.
Carly: Try being water-boarded, that’s hard. Sue Sylvester would BREAK her.
Nikki doesn’t wanna be like her Dad, who channeled his anxiety into evil, so she channeled her anxiety into being a strong woman who knows a fancy house when she sees one. Also, she’s got a good girl over there. Have you noticed? Amid the insanity; Jill is like, super rational and clear-headed and intelligent, I think.
Jill: “For me, the make or break is gonna be whether or not we can afford that.”
Riese: For me, the make or break is gonna be the verdict of the Prop 8 trial.
My Mother Always Had Shiny Bangs, So Now I Also Have Shiny Bangs
Because Jill & Nikki were unable to bring La Familia to The Family Episode, they’ve resorted to psychoanalyzing every chopped-up partial sentence they emote with family history.
Laneia: I don’t think I need a background story every time they make a ‘decision’. “When I was 5 my Dad got me a veggie wrap…”
Riese: … and then he died.”
Carly: I don’t get this, to be honest. Like, I wanna marry (or “marry”) Robin, but I would never spend money on an actual wedding. A party, sure, but a wedding? Think outside the box. Just to get real for a sec.
At this point, Mikey has no choice. She must attend a tranny dance party and have several cocktails. I quote:
Mikey: “There is nothing more interesting to me than being IN NEW YORK and going to A TRANNY CLUB.”
We have to agree ’cause that guy up there? With that Barbie doll committing suicide on his head? That man is keepsing it real. Please imagine this being read by basically a stereotype — imagine Big Gay Al reading this, is what I’m telling you.
Dollhead: “I love lesbians, they’re so nurturing. I wish I was a lesbian, it’d be so much fun. There’s no cattiness. Like there’s cunt, but no cuntyness? I love them. Lesbians are my favorite.”
Mikey’s Rule of Poker: “All I can do now at this point is just have a cocktail.”
Darling Forget About LA Fashion Week We Got Everything You Need Right Here
Carly: Wait where are they?! Tranny club?!?
Riese: Best part of the show so far
Carly: I WANT TO GO TO THERE. See, all this show needed was TRANNIES!
Mikey is lovin’ it! Mhm. Lots of drinking and dancing and over-enunciation! She’s got her mouth all pinched up like Grandma trying to say the word “lesbian”! (See that Ilene? I just brought it back around for you. Call me.)
Laneia: I am uncomfortable.
Carly: “Hi, I’m Mikey! Welcome to my downward spiral!”
Mikey says Raquel would love it because when she met Raquel, she thought Raquel was a tranny. Hahahaha! Let’s flashback!
Carly: “I never needed to see this interview again.”
It’s getting hot in here Mikey. It might be time to … WHOA BEAT ME TO IT WITH THAT BEATER, YA COUGAR!
Laneia: I will punch you for wearing that beater
Carly: Yes! No beaters!
Riese: Awwwww I like beaters on butchy girls.
Carly: Only at the beach.
Howevs, it looks like Mikey’s been up to her shoulders in a pail of tattoos:
Play that Funky Music, White Dyke
Mikey is stuffing male heads into her breasts and consuming many cocktails, inviting all the trannies to LA. If they showed up to LA Fashion Week, it’d save the show. Serious have you seen RuPaul’s Drag Race. Carly loves it. Do you see a theme here.
Lesbians. Always doing things that will make their girlfriends wanna kill them. Just like dudes!
Carly: YAY A DOG
Riese: YAY — Oh no.
What? It’s Cleaner Than Whitney and Nobody Complains When I Eat Her
Whitney says that Tor shouldn’t eat it because it is like eating poop, because of how close the asshole is to its head. Whitney has a monopoly on anatomy knowledge in general because of her extensive experiences with the naked triplet bodies.
Carly: Wait is she eating that? It’s alive.
Riese: Women –> dogs
Carly: Oh god.
Laneia: I’m sorry, I love Tor.
Carly: Oh my god.
Riese: Gay –> beastiality
Carly: Tor looks like she’s 12.
Laneia: Yes
Riese: Espesh with that dog in her mouth, because children like to do weird things to dogs.
Tor wants to punch Whitney in the face, or we want Tor to punch Whitney, I can’t remember.
Carly: “Tor come punch her in the face.”
Laneia: She just wiped her nose on her shirt sleeve! :-(
Carly: “I’d be glad to punch her in the face” yes! PUNCH HER DO IT TOR ! (I got the door, tor!) (Bring it on!)
+
Dude I Met SO MUCH FASHION
Mikey comes home, thank g-d, drunk, raving about how she’s IN TROUBLEEEE and those were the best trannies she’s ever seen. The assistant says, “How about we go to bed.”
The next morning, what happens? Well, here’s Mikey!
Laneia: Yeah she looks like us on Pride Day.
Riese: Yes, when we missed the parade.
But G*d DAMN is Shanna on top of her shit. It’s 7 AM and she is ready to RALLY! She’s gonna let Mikey take it easy, like the Eagles song.
Carly: “take it easy” = “sleep and puke all day” She gets too drunk too! Just like us!
Laneia: It’s so REAL.
The Devil Wears a Wifebeater and Jeans to Bed
Riese: This always happens on Top Model
Carly: Poor assistant!
But shit seems to be going much better today and the clients all really like Shanna ’cause they can see her eyeballs. No offense against blind people, who can’t read this anyhow.
Riese: This is gonna be like that girl that became Jenny. Adele.
Laneia: YES.
Carly: OH MY GOD.
Riese: Maybe Shanna poisoned Mikey.
Laneia: Ftr though, we made it to that fucking parade eventually.
+
Why Are the Restaurants I Pick ALWAYS EMPTY?
Tracy & Amy are having “brunch.” Tracy’s Mom would prefer Tracy be with a man, but would settle for a soft butch or gentle jungle animal or G-D FORBID A WOMAN. Tracy & Amy speak vaguely about Tracy’s feelings about her Mom’s refusal to talk to Tracy directly about Stamie.
Tracy: “Let’s say you’re in a relationship with Blake. You love Blake. You’re head over heels for Blake right? But like Mom doesn’t approve. How long would you go worrying about how it effected Mom?”
Amy: “As long as I needed because she’s 3,000 miles away!”
You cannot trespass that distance overnight, Tray-Tray. That’s why g*d invented Facebook. Tracy wants to stop walking on eggshells, and I salute her. I think Amy’s just speaking for herself, really, because as long as Mom doesn’t accept Tracy, maybe she’s still allowed to keep a safe distance from comfort herself.
ANI OHEVET OTCHA SO MUCH
Facebook connects us all like tiny ants in a web of antlands. For example, Nikki’s friend “reached out on Facebook” to ask about their wedding plans and HEY! HO! WHADDYA KNOW HE’S A RABBI! HE CAN MARRY THEM! At the end Nikki wishes him a good Shabbat, and they both blurt out “Shabbat Shalom” to show they haven’t forgotten when Shabbat happens. They hang up before anyone can make something up about having the Challah in the oven already.
Riese: Shabbat Shalom, fakers!
Carly: Oh jesus! They are as Jewish as I am!
Riese: Yes they are.
Carly: They had to like invent a Rabbi.
Riese: But they’re on top of the lingo.
BARUCH ATAH ADONAI I WANT MATZOH BALL SOUP
It’s a dog! He likes the Malibu house too I think.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love You
Jill points out that since The Law don’t care about their Commitment Ceremony, it’ll be nice to find a G-d who will care. That’s all that really matters, because the world is ending in 2012 either way.
I Married in the Sun
Nikki fell in love with the Malibu house. In her mind she’s writing a check for the house, and Jill is storming into Nikki’s dream with Lesbian Executive Realness. Jill wants to look at other options, I hope they do that off-camera.
Laneia: Are they yelling? About a house? A house?
Riese: The dogs are upset.
Our Mommies are Fighting
Carly: Why is she pushing so hard? THEY ARE UPSETTING THE DOGS. Come live with me, dogs.
Riese: Buddha is hurt. He wanted to be the rabbi.
Carly: Buddha tears.
Jill: “Are you in sales? What do you do for a living?”
Nikki: “Yes, I’m in sales.”
Jill says it’s supposed to be fun and if they’re gonna scream & yell it’s stupid and if it’s not fun then they shouldn’t get married ’cause you know, when the tax man comes, what’s the diff? They should just have a costume party. Buddha will come as Buddha, and I will be Lady Gaga.
+
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
Does anyone else view reality tv ‘stars’ as characters?
I feel weird thinking of them as actual people just because I’m getting a bit more information about them than I would reading a tabloid magazine.
most definitely, reality stars are “characters” for sure. you never get a real sense of who a person actually is watching a reality tv show, because there are producers and editors and blah blah blah. they definitely become characters, for sure.
Stacy’s mom has it going on as well.
Wow. With each recap, I realize how much of the show I miss when I watch it drunk with friends on Monday nights. Which, to be fair, is hardly a loss on my part. Still, thank you for filling my Real L Word knowledge hole with your snark week after week.
Dear Nikki’s Dad:
You’re an asshole. What a waste of a man/father/human being.
The end.
That part definitely sucked. People are ridiculous.
See now I’m curious…who would be the photographer at a Carly/Robin wedding? I wonder about these things.
Like when I watch all those cake shows on TLC/Food Network, I wonder who makes THESE people a birthday cake. Would they even want cake? Or is that like when you work at Chick-fil-A the last thing you want EVER is to eat chicken nuggets, which is just crazy because everybody knows they have the best chicken?
Robin will obvs be in charge of that, she already has people picked out actually.
and catering will be by chick-fil-a for obvious reasons.
i would move to america for chick-fil-a.
okay maybe not. but i would do lots of things for chick-fil-a.
Looking at Robin’s blog today made me want to get married so I could have her take pictures of it. You need one of those thing Hermione used in HP so that Robin can go back in time and take pictures of her own wedding. Maybe that would be too meta…
My favorite part of this recap is def the Boy Meets World reference. IT’S LIKE YOU KNOW ME.
I think this show is actually about straight people because only they could be this boring.
I’m telling you…
The Real L Word: Doggie Edition
It would be so cute!!!
i’m with Carly on this one: I thought this show was about cute dogs living in LA? Is this not that show?
also i almost jumped for joy when i got to the bottom of the first page and realized there were TWO MORE PAGES of hilarity
For me, the Real L Word has become sorta like when you slam your leg into the table next to your couch, and initially you want to cry and it’s like the worst thing that has ever happened to you, but then it dissipates or you get a little more used to it, and then eventually you don’t notice it anymore… until like 20 minutes later when you realize there is a giant welt on your leg. Anybody else? Anyway, that’s what the Real L word has become for me. I’m not screaming at my TV like I was during the pilot, but now it’s just boring and whatever.
I just need to know where the dogs are at all times, you know? There have been no fewer than like 8 unique dogs on this show and I just want to know that they’re all ok all of the time. And if they’re not they can come live with me.
I am still laughing about the random girls showing up in Whitney’s backyard and drunkenly psychoanalyzing people and situations they knew nothing about. That always happens!
I thought the girl in the Google Image Search Result for “Craft Fair” photo was Daphne Duck for a second.
re: craft fair girl = daphne
YES
AFRAID TO MERGE
<3
I wish all things I have to read could be written by Riese. ALL THE THINGS.
I saw a real life double rainbow last night, and none of the other 4 people in the car with me had heard of that video, and I felt lonely. But, I don’t feel lonely when I read AS.
Riese & Co., why don’t you guys vlog yourselves watching it? These recaps are hilarious and I think that your real-time reactions to the show would be priceless!
Also thanks for recapping, it seems to be tortuous for you but it makes my otherwise horrible day a little brighter!
I’d like to take this moment to thank Riese for painstakingly watching, writing and photo grabbing this show.
Having said that, the Fiddler on the Roof photo made me LOL IRL.
I was going to say last week about Shanna being Adele, YOU STOLE MY THOUGHTS.
I was worried there would be no Whitney superimposed hats, but then BAM, vampire getup at the end, this appeases me.
Once again I offer appreciation that you are so willing to bungee into the reality lesbian abyss for our entertainment.
the guy with BARBIE COMMITING SUICIDE ON HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Best. recap. ever. well almost.
You have my eternal devotion.
*runs to find tip jar*
Dear Riese and co., thank you for watching this shit so you can write funny things about it for free so I can read it and love it and be happy and write really long run on sentance comments and say the word “and” a lot and be filled with joy and love for the world.
You’re the best.
sentence* D=
I kept reading Tor’s name and immediately thought of Bring It On and I was like “Oh My God, I’m too gay/old to still be using that movie as a reference” and then you guys DID two lines down and I breathed a sigh of relief.
But seriously, did anyone else have a moment of pre-teen homo realization watching Eliza Dushku in that movie?
Word! The “I got the door, Tor!” reference was so money and I want to marry you b/c of your avatar picture.
i’m so glad someone else got the “i got the door, tor” thing!!
Word indeed, Special K. All we need are 2 custom wedding dresses for six grand each and a Malibu mansion. And a pair of Nikki-style crazy eyes.
I’m gonna be honest, my #1 concern is finding a ring that will fit on your tiny finger.
Just sayin, that OC reference made my day. I’ve totally convinced myself that that house is actually the one that the Coopers lived in when Marissa’s mom was with Caleb. So now I’m gonna go watch The OC on DVD and pretend Marissa never died and not be ashamed that I own the show on DVD…
THANKS RIESE! for the recap. I look forward to having you articulate my distaste for (TFS). Plus it’s fun laughing to myself in my otherwise boring office. Shameless ego stroking…maybes:)
Tracy’s family was SO awkward. for pretty straight bitches they seemed so weird. something was up, definitely.
Funny as always. Keep it up, please!
omg yawny blow job face. i can’t even.
Holy shit, I had like 14 LOL moments. I sat in an airport terminal and read this, so that made it even more awk. I love that these recaps exist. They are the “AWESOME” to the “-slash-terrible” of the actual show. It’s like yin and yang but a lot less balanced.
torlett also sounds a lot like toilet. which is not as cute as a tiny tart.
Agreed.
I have no problem with dinosaurs, but I prefer “Torlett” because: 1) my sense of humor tends towards the scatological, and 2) I also enjoy self-deprecating humor and my (spoken) English is really weird. So, for me, Torlett=toilet mispronounced=great times all around.
This is the first episode I have seen (belated pseudo-solidarity!), and, as the credits started rolling, a single glistening tear ran down my pallid cheek because I thought: “They have watched all six of them, and they have produced recaps for each one. TOO MUCH. This show is boring and it almost never asks/answers anything interesting; watching it is not that bad, but how is it possible to generate entertaining recaps of such a fuc…I shouldn’t ask questions. I feel guilty.”
Anyways, all the recaps have brought me tremendous pleasure (I don’t even care if they’re ‘playful’ or not).
¡Gracias! ¡Perdón!
Riese: What’s wrong with middle children? Are they like bisexuals?
STORY OF MY LIFE.
I’m currently dating a boy (not man, I’m in my early twenties for g-d’s sake) and having a ton of feelings for this girl and I’m a middle child AND I’M CURRENTLY THINKING I’M BI. This is not a surprise, I’ve known I was at least half a gay since I was in second grade.
And judging by my random comment in the recap of the worst show ever with my email that I’ve had since sixth grade, one could probably tell that I am pumped full of a lot of 4 loko (college student, obvs) and feelings at this point in my life. KTHXBYE.
haha, wait what, no
“They are like the movie It’s Complicated, which is actually about Meryl Streep’s struggle to make a larger gourmet kitchen in her mansion.”
honestly this is the best thing i’ve read all week
just a question for the people who speak hebrew (riese?) – I always though it was “ani ohev otach”, why “ohevet”?
I quit learning hebrew many years ago and can hardly read it these days, but still find it fascinating – and I know how it’s said correctly, otherwise I will tell people stuff that isn’t right.
OMG I just caught the Slim Daddy reference in the excerpt.
Scarletor!
<3
really though, these recaps make my week.
This is me stroking Riese’s ego via comments. I rarely laugh out loud alone as much as I do when I read these recaps!
This recap had so many references and so many lols I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I also share Carly’s concern about the dogs.
I hope Ilene never actually makes a show about dogs. I don’t mind having lesbians make me sad, but there would undoubtedly be a Jenny or Whitney or Mikey dog character in it and I would CRY STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART.
That sequence of photos? With Mikey standing, then looking at, then leaning against the weird,holey cheese wall? LOLololoLOL. I’m never going to watch this show but I will love these recaps forevarz.
maybe mikey’s eyes shoot laser beams. maybe she’s a cyborg and she’s just organizing LA fashion weekend so that she can kill the prime minister of malaysia.
hahaha YES.
GAWD I LOVE THESE RECAPS
although strangely, they make me want to watch the show even MORE. you’d think i’d be turned off the entire concept by now…