The Real L Word is the best show on Television. It’s about real lesbians like you and me. Sometimes you can spot them from 50-100 feet away!

I was so excited for this week’s episode, I’d already wet my pants five times before even seeing the preview featuring a cage-dancing Sara wearing a gigantic doily stolen from Jenny Schecter’s Secret Attic. Laneia agreed with me that we hadn’t been this excited for the teevee since Max’s Baby Shower. See:

Riese: This is what I’m looking forward to: I just ordered Chinese food.
Laneia: Omg jealous.
Riese: It should be here in 10-15 minutes.
Laneia: Your life = good.
Riese: Also I am looking forward to Tracy Ryerson and Nat Garcia‘s photoshoot for Lucky Dog Leather with Jill Bennett and Cathy Debouno.
Laneia: Yes that Nat Garcia!
Riese: She’s a looker!
Laneia: If Nat intros herself as being from Autostraddle, I’ll down this beer.
Riese: YES. DRINKING GAME RULE.
Laneia: If Nat mentions AS, chug.

Today we open with everyone’s favorite party game, “Ask the lesbians questions they are already sick of answering!” This round is about 100-footers. No, not 20 five dollar foot-longs — good guess though!

A “100 footer” is someone you can tell is a lesbian from 100 feet away, like when you’re seated upstairs at a Tegan & Sara concert.

Q: What is a “hundred footer?”

Mikey: “Is it a description of my penis?”

Nikki: “A lesbian you can see from 100 feet away.”
Jill: “Sounds like a Subway sandwich.”

Tracy: “You can kinda guess but who knows now. They might be a hipster. They might be German. We like to play that game, “German or Gay.”

Laneia: Omg that was hilarious?
Riese: My mouth muscles moved into a position of smile & laugh?

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Whitney says she is identifiable as homosexual from 50 feet while toting a hammer or fixing a fence. Or building fences around her heart!

Anyhow, based on the uniform described by the ladies, which includes: a crew cut, hipster pants, a strap-on, a flannel shirt, birkenstocks, something “1970’s San Francisco” and a hammer, Taylor was supposed to make you a doodle but there was some kind of technical difficulty so instead we have this photo from Getty Images described by Getty Images as “a lesbian with fairy wings.” I don’t know why this image is labeled “a lesbian with fairy wings,” but can only conclude that even G*d can tell she’s a lesbian, all the way from the sky.

If anyone wants to draw us that doodle, please do tell, you will win a free cuddle session with Taylor. Contest is closed! Wasteunit has kindly illustrated a “100-footer” so now you’ll know what Ilene is talking about. Awesome:

This “100 foot” question relates to the rest of the episode because this week, most of the cast members are totally blind in one or both eyes and repeatedly misidentify/mislabel humans/experiences/ideas, that are seemingly visible to the naked illiterate eye, as being much better than they truly are. You’ll see. Or will you?

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The Real L Word: Things You Apparently Can’t Tell Just From Looking at Her Edition

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In which our heroines seem to be blind in one or both eyes, as described above, or wearing sunglasses to bed because we ain’t seeing what they’re seeing:

1. Rose: “I’m being extremely good. I’m being a saint.”

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2. Whitney: “That lace onesie is hot as FUCK.”

3. Whitney: “The other girls are like oh here I am, I’m ready for you — they’ve got it all out there. But Sara’s like, I’m not really sure…”

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4. Mikey: “This would be the best space [for LA Fashion Week]… it’s a great location.”

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Regardless, thank G-d this guy is paying attention:

We’re switching it up today and recapping character-by-character because: 1) I want to, 2) An error with how the screencaps were saved to my hard drive, which I won’t go into, because you should save your melancholy half-attentive moments for later, when Nikki reads her email out loud to Jill, 3) Unless Robert Altman is directing the last episode, these are all separate stories anyhow amirite? 4) For funsies.

1. Whitney

All Dressed Down & Someplace to Go

Whitney’s going to San Francisco because Romi & Tor are both mad at her, so, you know — why not? That’s the same way I feel about going to get a spring roll, so I do. Then I return to the teevee.

Riese: What did I miss?
Laneia: Whitney’s going to San Francisco with Scarlett to see Sara!
Riese: I hope she goes to Alcatraz.

Tor, who’s totally over Whitney, agrees:

Whitney: “L.A.’s the place to live, but things get debaucherous in San Francisco. That’s all I have to say about that.”

I mean how much can you really say about something that doesn’t make sense, yannow?

Just Don’t Get All Harvey Milk On Me Now, Okay? I Want You Home in One Piece.

It’s an eight-hour drive, but luckily Whitney’s got eight girlfriends so there’s plenty to talk about between This American Life episodes! Like how Sara & Whitney are a lot alike and Whitney wants an all-night lovemaking session with Sara, like in the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You.” There’s just! One! Problem!

Whitney: “Can I just do a handstand or something to keep this period from not coming out of my body because there is a lot to do in San Francisco…I wish there was some pill you could take to put it off for like a day.”

Actually, there is, it’s called Yasmin? Or really any birth control pill. Also, you never get preggers but are always depressed!

Whitney: “In lesbian sex you can be fucked if you have your period or the other girl has her period — until you get into a rotation where you’re kinda synced up, you’re kinda working with 2.5-3 weeks of good sexing. But you know what? Personally I don’t care. I’ve earned my red wings.”

Red Wings are a lot like sanitary pads with wings, except swap “tongue” for “sanitary pad,” take off all your clothes, do a handstand, and put down a towel.

Red Wings

Riese: My jaw just dropped.
Laneia: I’m biting my lips. Both of them. I look like my grandma
because of Whitney.
Riese: She made a good point about timing which I related to.
Laneia: I think that may’ve been the most honest thing that Whitney’s ever said. Ever.
Riese: I actually completely agree. She almost seemed like a real person during that conversation. Maybe it’s ’cause she was traveling with Scarlett, who AS FAR AS WE KNOW she has not hooked up with. Usually she announces that straight away —
Laneia: SARA
Riese: ROMI
Laneia: TORRRR
Riese: I wish TOR’s name was “THOR.”
Laneia: Two types of people Whitney knows: those who’ve fucked her and those who haven’t.

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The ladies arrive in San Francisco. After Mikey & Raquel skipping Bodies: The Exhibit at The Luxor while in Las Vegas, I hope to G-d that Whitney doesn’t skip The Beat Museum, but I have a feeling that she might. She seems preoccupied with the Museum of Whitney’s Face.

Definitely a Cullen

Very attractive people go to tonight’s party, Flourish, says Whitney, but tonight Whitney’s not one of those people ’cause her eyes “look like saggy vaginas,” which is a side effect of having excess vagina in your face/eye sockets. That’s okay, Scarlett will fix it with her Soft Butch Fairymakeupwand:

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Laneia: WHAT DID SHE SPRAY ON HER FACE?!
Riese: Pepper spray I hope?

Scarlett’s not going out tonight ’cause one of the promoters is her ex-girlfriend, and also Scarlett has a cybersex date with me later.

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Laneia: Whitney just said that Scarlett staying home from the party was ‘responsible’ and ‘adult’, so she does understand the concept. This is promising.
Riese: It is. Self-awareness could turn out to be a path. Like, to enlightenment.

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All of Whitney’s good-looking friends are at Flourish! Um, we actually recognize some of Whitney’s friends, or rather, every episode seems chock-full of faces we recognize from various lesbian activities? Sometimes this show makes us nervous that the lesbian world is really, really small. Like, what if there aren’t that many lesbians in the world? Maybe they’re all just cranky and like to write their complaints about the world in books and on the internet so we end up hearing from ALL THE LESBIANS and therefore perceive there must be more where that came from, but maybe there isn’t. We thought there were more but it looks like probably there aren’t. Sorry.

Riese: ALL OF THE FRIENDS!
Laneia: All of them!

Whitney knows that this party is gonna be off the hook! Not ’cause of this part, which maybe was just b-roll, ‘CAUSE NOBODY MENTIONS IT:

But ’cause of the “lesbians taking pictures”…

Also you know, weird things like this. It’s lesbian cheek-eaters:

and “girls in cages, dancing”….

I Heard the Caged Bird Sing, and she said, “sex”:

Whitney describes the party as “a teenage boy’s wet dream.” This also applies to grown women with teenage boy personalities.

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Laneia: Oh dear god.
Riese: Is this real?
Laneia: I want to cry. This is what happened at Truck Stop and I wanted to cry.

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Back to Sara, the Lady of the Night…

Whitney: “Sara, of course, in her nature is go-go dancing tonight. Oh my God she is so hot. G0d has answered my prayers and those prayers came in a lace onesie.”

Yes I believe that’s in The Book of Revelation after the Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrive.

Whitney normally don’t get all jealous, but tonight that’s tough because she is coming in her pants/all over her tampon and just wants Sara in her bed. Or like, in the shower, whatevs. Whatever is available.

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Everyone takes turns pointing at Sara like she’s got her fly unzipped. But this is a no-fly zone, people.

It’s a Bird!

Girl, that looks like a plane!

No, it’s just Go-Go-Gadget-Sara!

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Lucky for us, or not, depending on how you look at it, Whitney gets to take Sara back to the hotel lobby which is after the after-party, according to a popular hip-hop song. It’s a brisk night for a semi-nude swim, isn’t it?

Pool Closed, Legs Wide Open

Now that we’re ALL WET we should probably go inside…

Sara, still feeling sea mammally, and Whitney, who might end up making her guest spot next week on That Time of the Month, is feeling feeling Sara naked in the shower and hey-o! Looks like we’re INVITED!

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“Won’t this be special? We’ll get to have sex in front of the whole country!”

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Yes! Just two girls, a boom guy, and the camera operator:

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Riese: So THIS is how lesbians have sex. They hug in their underwear in the shower.
Laneia: WHY IS THE FUCKING CAMERA IN THE BATHROOM, there is NOT enough room in the bathroom for this shit.
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Riese: oh my god
Laneia: OH MY GOD!
Riese: This is really weird

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Someone discovered Garage Band and found the “cheap porn” track!
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Laneia: omg the editing.
Riese: omg the music.
Laneia: I just screamed. And covered my eyes.
Riese: I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?
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Here’s the real question of the day: why did we spend six years of L Word-watching feeling like Beavis and Butt-Head chanting DO IT DO IT DO IT ’cause we wanted everyone to disrobe and fuck….

… but now that it’s happening in The Real L Word, with actual people instead of actors, we aren’t like DO IT! We’re like, you know, THIS:

Which is actually how we feel watching anyone have sex on a reality show — gay, straight, or not. Like we’re invading? Also actors get paid more to disrobe. Reality stars don’t.

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I’m Gonna Take Out my Tampon And Start Splashing Around

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I think it’s gonna be a long long time…

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The next night they all go out to dinner and the girls have that conversation about how they had crushes on their best friends when they were little girls. You know the one.

Whitney: “I would convince my girlfriends that we were practicing for boys, that was my excuse.”

Sara’s ready to one-up it with Sweet Fables of Pre-Pubescent Oral Sex Parties, which is gonna go over real well for our Image:

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Like this!

Then You Just Rub Your Nose in It Like a Bunny

This classic tale ends with a tinge of sadness, as Sara recounts how “Pamela” had three pubic hairs and therefore nobody wanted to go down on her and Pamela hid in the closet crying. Hahahaha!

Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since. Or mysterious “Pamela” is watching this right now having PTSD. Sara’s a bully and I hate her.

Can girls fuck like boys do without feelings? Someone asks. Sara sure can! Despite her ability to be “intense and passionate” in the moment, she doesn’t get attached. Neither does Whitney. But regardless, Whitney prefers to be the one in control and if they’re both unattached, then nobody’s attached, and then IT’LL BE ANARCHY!

Riese: I feel like Whitney got her early-girl-kissing story from a magazine.
Laneia: Having sex like a man means that you don’t have a connection?
Riese: Right-o. Men and women, Venus, Mars. So different.

Whitney: “I can relate to [Sara’s ability to not get attached]. I’ve done similar things in the past. But I would hope that it wouldn’t happen to me.”

Look, It’s Your Hair, Okay? It’s Your Hair.

Whitney and Sara later hash this out mano-a-mano. Sara’s not in a rush. Whitney says that she has had other girls she’s hooked up with, but she’s feeling Sara the most.

Whitney: “Sara is the Queen of Mixed Messages.”

I guess that makes Whitney the King of Mixed Messages. And if she’s the king, she needs a crown, amirite?

Sir Mixed-Messages-A-Lot

Laneia: WHITNEY STOP TOUCHING YOUR HAIR STOP IT
Riese: Whitney, seriously? A therapist could crack this sitch open like an egg!
Laneia: Here’s how you DON’T tell someone that you have feelings for them: “I’ve slept with other girls, yeah, but–”
Riese: Basically she doesn’t feel safe unless the girl is completely maniacally obsessed with her? I used to do that. You should never do that. You can’t ever really be obsessed with a person anyhow.

Whitney: “I’ve let people in and trusted them only when I knew they felt more for me than I do them. You know, I don’t wanna get hurt. When you finally put yourself out there, you’re left hanging…” [THINKS!!].. And as I’m finally saying this, I’m realizing that I probably do this to girls myself.”

Self-awareness!

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Let’s celebrate with GIANT GOBLETS OF POTION:

These Goblets Are Also Fit for a King

But what will happen when Sara and the girls/bois move to L.A.? Well, says Sara, there’s this girl Victoria who needs a place? Whitney starts laughing, and Scarlett looks cute in her hoodie:

Whitney: “Sara’s dead serious, she would absolutely live with Tor. Sara has no idea that Tor and I have hooked up in the past. But you know what fuck it! Why doesn’t Sara, Romi and Tor just get a house together! They’re all makeup artists and hairdressers, they’d probably have a lot in common!”

Haha that would be funny! Anyhow, have you noticed that “makeup artist/hairdresser” is to The Real L Word as “dancer/model” and “waitress” was to A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila?

Whitney says it’s been a successful trip. She fucked a girl in the shower, saw girls dance in cages, saw ALL THE FRIENDS, made a lot of toasts… Did she get her period though? Maybe we’ll find out next week.

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Next: It’s time for Tracy’s photoshoot and Jill & Nikki’s kitchen table!

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Tracy

Stamie found Tracy’s Recently Divorced Mom on Facebook and put in a friend request for both Stamie’s “virtual mother-in-law” and while she was at it, her “virtual stepmother-in-law.” Won’t be long before they’re all being invited to events at THE BETTY and getting punched by vampires.

Tracy: “My father got remarried to a very, very very very young girl. He kinda made a joke that you should never date somebody younger than your youngest daughter. And, um. He did.”

Tracy suggests Stamie send a message with her friend request to the Moms, and Stamie has a few bright ideas on that:

Stamie: “Hi, I’m Stamie. I’m Tracy’s friend… Hi, I’m Stamie, I bang your daughter, I’d like to be your friend!”

You’ve only got so much to talk to your Mom about when you leave out the gay stuff, espesh when gay cameras are following you everywhere and you’re halfway-living with your GAY girlfriend & her two kids. Mom probs thinks the “L” is for Los Angeles or Laguna Beach, like the kids on that MTV show.

Stamie agrees that Tracy & Mom need to talk this thing out.

Why? Because now that Stamie & Tracy are like this:

Tracy’s Mom needs to know that Stamie & Tracy are like this:

Happy!

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Laneia: I’m gonna friend request your vagina tomorrow. You better accept me.
Riese: It will accept anything, any time of the month.

But why tell Mom when you could just be on the teevee I MEAN COME OUT ON THE COVER OF AN AUSTRALIAN MAGAZINE? Tracy’s about to snag the opportunity to do just that….

Sidenote/Tangent: I did this once when I got hoodwinked into being one of a few persons highlighted in a magazine article about dating –

August 2006:
Riese: I don’t want to come out to my grandparents, like EVER.
My therapist: Well I think Marie Claire is gonna do that for ‘ya.

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Tracy has to bring clothing to the shoot to go with her wrist cuffs and leather belt.

Tracy: “Do they say “dresses” on there?”
Stamie: “I think she said if you have a strap on, to bring that.”

It’s  a Lucky Dog Leather shoot for BOUND, and Beck Starr is gonna be the photographer for this little project. But she’s got big dreams for Tracy and wants her to be on the cover! Kazaam! [I think BOUND ended up putting Dani Campbell on the cover the month this shoot came out because let’s face it, Dani has made out with Tila Tequila and Tracy Ryerson has not, so.] [Or else she’s covering a future issue?]

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Hey-o who’s at the photo shoot?

You can’t drink for the drinking game though, ’cause Nat didn’t say so out loud. This is just what we do. To fill up space with words. Everyone looks sexy and has blues and greens going down in their dreams, a la James Taylor:

If you think Nat‘s the only ex-AfterEllen vlogger featured in this Celesbian Photogasmic Extravaganza, you are sorely mistaken because as aforementioned, Cathy Debouno and Jill Bennett (presently of the independent web-series We Have to Stop Now) are also in the house:

BANG! BOOM! POP!

It’s A Lesbian With a Camera Just Like in High Art!

You can check out Nat’s Behind-the-Scenes video of the shoot here. And you can see how the photos turned out right here, right now [all of these photos are by Beck Starr for Lucky Dog Leather]

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If you wanna see all the photos from the shoot (and you do) you can find them on the Lucky Dog website.

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Speaking of Lucky Dogs!

At the end of this sexually titillating day, Tracy returns home to her girlfriend because she has a key now so she can enter at any time, just like Alice in Wonderland. Stamie was sleeping and awakens to find her girlfriend sporting a bouffant.

Laneia: Is Stamie drunk? She looks tanked — oh, never mind! She’s just sleepy.
Riese: Yeah probs she was watching this show.

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Jill & Nikki

It’s 10:30 AM in the Temple of Buhdda Zendo Havenshrine, where the happy couple are using their laptops, preparing food for small animals, having shiny hair, and listening to phone calls together on speaker phone.

No I love YOU More!

Before you fall off the edge of your seat, here’s the deal: Camilla The Wedding Planner was not insulted. Jill celebrates by auto-straddling her girlfriend:

The Case of the Expensive Dress has not been solved, but Nikki produces shit for a living and does not want to have to produce her Commitment Ceremonial Solstice Wedding Festival, so she’s kinda torn on what to do.

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Riese: I could find her a cheaper dress if it’s just stress she’s worried about and not the cost, like at Lohemann’s.
Laneia: I wish they’d subtitle these fucking phone calls. It’s like watching Charlie Brown.
Riese: Yeah so we could read the boring thing instead of just imagining that it’s probably boring.

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The dog is nervous; what if he spends the rest of his life in this house/Hallmark card? Where are the strippers?

When we return to Jilnikki, similar activities are underway:

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Riese: Oh now they’re reading. Laptops, books, phones. Neat. It’s like Office Max: The Musical.
Laneia: IN THE BAY WINDOW, or whatever.

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Dog = Scene Stealer

Nikki reads the email out loud — unfortunately, $6,000+ is the cost of custom-made clothing, says somebody. “I can’t on principal. I think it’s exorbitant,” Jill says.

Riese: Jill is right.
Laneia: She’s right. That’s a lot of money for a SLIP WITH A CORSAGE ON THE FRONT.
Riese: They could donate that to Equality California!

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Although everyone, male and female, should have a right to spend their hard-earned money as they like, $6,000+ is insane.

She needs to think less this:

and more this, which is very budget! IT WAS MADE BY ACTUAL BIRDS, NIKKI. ACTUAL BIRDS. AND MICE!

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In search of a great steal, the ladies hit up a local Expensive Boutique, where a very similar dress has been carried across the ocean by British Angeltwinks from Heaven in a sky-carriage made of organic vegan hair culled from the Portia De Rossi’s shower drain. I think. I dunno, it costs like $4,000, which apparently is a bargain?

Do I? Do I Look Like a Pretty Princess? SAY I LOOK LIKE A PRETTY PRINCESS

Oh, did Camilla call a caterer? Because I spy a plate of CHEESE.

Jill: “I’m totally getting emotional! You look beautiful!”
Nikki: “It’s kinda like, perfect!”
Jill: “It’s kinda perfect! You look gorgeous! You’re a bride!”
Nikki: “I will be!”
Jill: “Here comes the bride!”
Nikki’s Mom: “Stunning! Oh MY G*D, Nik it is gorgeous it’s gorgeous!”
Jill: “It’s made for her.”
Nikki’s Mom: “Made for her!”

THIS IS THE BEST DRESS EVER BEEN WORN ON THE ENTIRE PLANET THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET GORGEOUS

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Laneia: It’s a white fucking dress!
Riese: I’M TOO OLD AND CYNICAL FOR THIS
Laneia: JESUS!
Riese: I’m 5 years more cynical and jaded than this scene.
Laneia: It looks like a fucking white dress. But she has nice arms.

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You know who else looks extra cute today? JILL in this vintage t-shirt!

Can’t Wait for Sailor Week

Here’s Jill’s dress, which makes everyone talk like Eloise again and make strange purring noises:

Look Ma, a toga!

Nikki’s Mom: “My god what’s not to like, really? Girls, you’re glamorama!”
Nikki: “That’s it that’s the one. That’s the one!”

Laneia: It’s a white dress.
Riese: Actually I kinda like the cut of that dress. It’s weird and everything else in this scene is not weird. The dress is the only part of this scene I can relate to.
Laneia: I don’t understand the world.
Riese: …because it looks like something I’d wear, from the sale rack.

Jill wants to feel that it’s just right. She wants to feel it, you know? Like REALLY feel it. Like how she feels Nikki’s fist in her cervix. But this one doesn’t touch her like that and also, her Mom’s not there, so, who knows.

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Laneia: Where’s her mom?
Riese: Who’s mom?
Laneia: Jill’s?
Riese: Probs is in jail? Or like, Idaho.

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Nikki’s Mom knows Jill will change her mind because it is her dress. Anyhow Nikki is going to buy her’s ’cause there’s “no reason not to.” She feels it. The kick inside.

Laneia: I could think of several reasons not to buy that dress, or any other dress that costs $4,000.
Riese: They could invest that in Autostraddle instead. Actually Nikki should invest in Autostraddle, write that down.

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Next: Mikey needs space, Rose needs large breasts in her face

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Mikey

Mikey’s re-reading her daily affirmations to the camera: “Me and Raquel don’t get to spend enough time together because we both work, my clients are depending on me to produce a great event.” WHAT EVENT MIKEY? IT BETTER BE A STAR TREK CONVENTION AND YOU ARE GOING AS GEORDI LAFORGE OTHERWISE I SEE NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR PERSISTENT EYEWEAR.

These are the only characters allowed to wear impenetrable eyewear ALL THE TIME:

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However, if Geordi LaForge applied to The Real L Word, I think they’d say. “HEY, those sunglasses are problematic, maybe we should cast someone else with transparent or non-existent eyeglasses so we can actually see your face and what you’re thinking!” She even types in sunglasses!

Anyhoo.

Back to this magical event! WHAT EVENT IS IT MIKEY?

Riese: If she says LA FASHION WEEK one more time, I am quitting.
Laneia: Add it to the drinking game!
Riese: Every time Mikey says “LA Fashion Week,” take a drink. Done.

BE PREPARED

Laneia: That is a SHIRT
Riese: That shirt is not kidding around

That shirt is ready to hike and make knots for the soap-box derby as soon as they find a space somewhere in the wildlands of Los Angeles to host LA Fashion Week! Mikey says Ian, the best production guy in the buasiness, will find a solution for everything. He will produce the hell out of this unit, so to speak.

Riese: She should just have LA fashion week at her apartment. How many people could really be coming you know?
Laneia: No, that’s a good idea. someone could bring cheese and crackers.
Riese: Timeless snack.

The B-Team

Shanna tells Mikey not to stress as they trek about 100 feet to “the space.” I bet it’s like MySpace! Drumroll…

TA-DA!

LOOK! IT’S SO FASHION! WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Riese: Parking lot?
Laneia: Wat. This is a parking lot.
Riese: I believe this is where one might park one’s car.
Laneia: But once you add the disco ball, it’s ON.
Riese: But where would everyone park?

Mikey says it’s a GREAT SPOT but if they use an outdoor location, they’d have to “tent” the entire space, which costs like, three wedding dresses. “Tenting” is like a dental dam, but for large, paved, outdoor spaces.

IT WAS EVEN MORE PERFECT THAN MY PENIS!

Mikey narrates like this is a National Geographic Special on Kings of The Jungle. If it was, perhaps Mikey would have a bigger budget for this particular event.

Riese: Swear to g*d, they can have it in my basement. I have a really big basement, Mikey. Call me. $500.
Laneia: Maybe Mikey should be dating a hair stylist, not a makeup artist?

Mikey spends most of her precious minutes today on the phone and in her office, doing important things. It’s like The Office, but without jokes.

This is all you need to know:

This sign inspires Mikey:

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Mikey asking “How are we gonna pull this off?” is being added to our drinking game, because it’s her favorite question. Look, blow job face:

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Laneia: She’s talking to someone about someone who was in Bon Jovi, which is such a buttfuck.
Riese: She talks like she’s a storyteller at the library.
Laneia: Next Rod Stewart’s gonna walk in and rip a hole in the space/time continuum…
Riese: …and probs also the fourth wall

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This is Mikey “pitching a client.”

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How big is the tent gonna be Mikey?

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How cool will Fashion Week be even if you have to hold it on MySpace?

The tent for the Parking Lot of Pleasure would cost $20,000, and then they’d have to serve Kool-Aid instead of Sofia Coppola Champagne at the event. So therefore they need to find a new space. Space is fascinating. Unfortunately Mikey “cannot make the sky rain money” so.

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Riese: She is really stressed out about this tent!
Laneia: Does she mean “make it rain” like rappers?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: Like when rappers say ‘make it rain’?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: Or like, real rain?
Riese: It’s my window, I can’t stand the rain.

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Mikey can write on a whiteboard with her sunglasses on:

That’s all.

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Laneia: I wish I had a .mp3 of Cookie Monster saying “FAAAASHIOOON WEEEEEK”
Riese: Me too, let’s call Cookie Monster tomorrow.

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Rose

That’s all of the Days You Know. All of Them.

The house is a mess, says Rose! It’s the worst it’s ever been! On a scale of one to ten, it seems only slightly dirtier than Michael Bluth’s cardboard condo.

Nat’s gotta take a break from hairstyling. It’s time to take a step back from the Manic Panic and evaluate what she “really wants,” which is apparently a formal contract of indentured servitude with that chick in the beanie. Maybe. Until Natalie signs on howevs, Rose is in limbo, not to be confused with that place you go before hell.

Laneia: Natalie has the unique ability to look 19 one minute and 30 the next. I RELATE.
Riese: Just as Rose has the unique ability to look like a 1 on Alex’s masculine scale one minute and a 12 the next.

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ACTUALLY: One thing I do like about this show — perhaps the only thing! — is that the women on it seem to reflect a gender-flexible style that I recognize because most of my friends are like that too — we can do a dress or a suit. That’s maybe the most interesting aspect of the “100-footer” question, in fact. Anyhow. Back to life, back to reality.

Rose & her Dad head on over to a “lesbian wedding reception” ’cause Dad’s got a lezzie friend and comfortable with lesbianism.” In the car over, for the bajillionth time, Rose says she and her Mom haven’t been speaking for many months but doesn’t tell us why. It’s nice to see Rose’s relationship with her father and their dynamics.

BUT HARK A CLUE: Mom & Dad broke up while Rose was still a fetus, so it’s not Rose’s fault. And Mom still talks to Angel, Rose’s ex, who I believe is prohibited by law to come within 100 feet of Rose, lest Rose spot her attitude and sensuality and lesbianism, as she is wont to do.

Laneia: Rose calls Natalie, ‘Angel’?
Riese: No, Angel is her ex. You know Angel, from RENT.
Laneia: OH RIGHT.

Today for You, Tomorrow For Me!

Natalie’s gonna meet up with them later after work but in the meantime, this joint is JUMPIN’! Turn up the music!

Look! It’s the happy couple! I love the tinsel in the hair look, seriously:

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Please Let This Be You One Day Please Get Married Dear Please Do It Now

It appears that the reception is being held in the gym of the Jewish Community Center in Michigan where I attended day camp. Well not the “gym” gym, but like the half-gym that used to be a gym. Now it’s just a FIESTA SPACE. Mikey should check this spot out for LA Fashion Week.

This Party is Less Exciting Than The Parties on Skins

Disaster strikes when Nat gets lost, and calls Rose so they can yell at each other about it, which is not cool ’cause Dad was in he middle of talking about how Rose & Nat should get married so they can party with these kids.

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Laneia: Oh, baby’s lost. I RELATE TO THIS MOMENT

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Nat tries to bust up the Stability Agenda with her feelings, and Dad tries to cool the fight, and Nat says she can’t put a smile on her face when her face is upset.

It’s Fine, There’s Punch Inside That Will Kill Us All

Nat is unable to check her attitude, despite Rose’s suggestion that she check her attitude and have respect for her Dad and, you know, the balloon gate someone spent a long time building and stuff. Nat can’t have a smile on her face because the music is loud and she wants to go home.

From 100 Feet Away, I Can Still See Your Cleavage

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Laneia: Natalie needs a good cry. Maybe some fresh lip gloss. GIRL I KNOW.
Riese: Natalie is being so whiny. I think the honest feeling of caring deeply about what your partner’s parents think of you should overpower the honest feeling of how you feel. Like, if you’ve had a bad day.
Laneia: Nice cleavage though.
Riese: AGREED that is the Rule of Life.

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Back at home, Natalie knows she’s been a bitch but doesn’t wanna talk, and Rose says Natalie already spoiled the night. The dog knows what’s up, per ushe, and it ain’t good.

Rose: “I don’t wanna talk to her. I don’t even wanna hear her.”

That’s Both Parts of A Conversation, So I Guess We Call it a Night?

Riese: Now who’s sulking.
Laneia: At least in my experience, this is how it always happens.
Riese: You’re right, you take turns sulking.

Whatever, it’s a new day and we’re on to more important things for Rose. Like her periodic bromance dates to play basketball or “run around” and do other things where it’s socially acceptable to be SCREAMING ALL THE TIME. But this one’s gonna be different, because it’s going to involve strippers, like this:

Anyhow, that hasn’t happened quite yet, so save your sunglasses.

Riese: Is she going golfing in that outfit? She could try to hit a golf ball through Natalie’s earrings.
Laneia: Later.
Riese: Oh, later.

Although Rose thinks that she can plan this date on the “down low” and not tell Natalie, she forgot about her special furry friend, Mr. Piddles Jr:

Rose [on phone to Bromance friend]: “I can’t tell you, but it entails calling & ordering strippers.”

That’s not how Don’t Ask Don’t Tell works, Rose.

Rose:” [Nat] needs to understand that there are rules. If she wants to be bitchy and snappy and angry, fine. But now I’m getting a free pass.”

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Laneia: That’s not a flawed logic or anything.
Riese: I’m starting to think that Papi really is based on Rose.

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Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry Without Mentioning What the Other Person Also Does Wrong

Natalie maturely apologizes for being a bitch and embarrassing her, but says that Rose does it all the time. Rose isn’t really buying it, because she’s already put her money on the strippers which requires staying mad, much to the puppy’s dismay:

Please Don’t Go Girls

Riese: Can they subtitle this? I can’t hear Nat’s whiny baby voice.
Laneia: Subtitling costs money and all the money was spent on getting Whitney to San Francisco.
Riese: “Investing too much in Whitney” seems to be a popular mistake on this show.

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But you know what’s a good investment? STRIPPERS, which you can apparently order on Facebook. We were hoping for a San Francisco performance-artist sex worker activist stripper, but it’s gonna be this chick instead:

The bros gather at Rose’s to put cocaine around the rims of their wine glasses and get this party started right:

Then Natalie calls ’cause she just quit her job and wants to chat, but Rose has shit to do, like go to the ATM and get out the money for the strippers. Not having time to pull out the money for the strippers is a problem I face every day of my life, seriously. Like, bitch I got shit to do.

Anyhow Rose is so excited about the strippers at the two-hour hotel and nothing will slow her roll.

Dude, Where’s My Strippers?

This Way?

Nah, Bro, It’s This Way:

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Up in the hotel room, there’s a serious Bromance moment:

Rose: “You see that, there’s the world out there. There’s a lot of pussy out there that I’m leaving for you guys.”

Laneia: That looks like my dentist’s office.
Riese: I think that might be my dentist in the beanie.

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Rose: “I’m letting my little proteges know that tonight is the night that they grow up a little bit.”

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Here’s how you turn Little Roses into Big Roses:

Put them all on a couch and have a stripper sit on them:

Spread their legs!

Grind your vadge onto their vadge while another girl rubs her tits into your back!

Watch two straight girls touch each other with nails that would probably lacerate your unborn children:

Rose: “We’re not doing anything wrong with the girls, you know? We’re just letting off a little steam. You know, Natalie doesn’t need to know.”

Rose: “I’m making sure I’m not touching anybody because I don’t wanna be in trouble later. So I’m trying to keep it rated NC-17.”

[We have no idea what she means by that. I don’t think cheating follows the MPAA scale. Though personally I don’t think anything you do with a stripper is cheating — as long as it’s safe, who cares. Though doing this, specifically, would be cheating on your brain. Go to a strip club instead, like Tina did. This room has plantation-style blinds for chrissake.]

Rose: “I’m being really good. For me, I’m being a saint.”

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At the end of the night, Rose reminds her friends that Natalie can’t know about this:

Rose: “Bromance meeting real quick: keep this on the down low. No twitter, no MySpace, no Facebook, no nothing!”

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Riese: HAHA SHE FORGOT FLICKR! GOTCHA!
Laneia: YOU’RE ON TV YOU FUCK!

HEY-O FOR SECRETS

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Where Have You Been?

Rose returns home where Nat is napping on the couch and is pissed at Rose for not calling her. Rose makes up a bunch of stuff that she probs got in trouble for directly after this episode aired.

A Kiss From a Rose

Laneia: Now she wants to hug her. This is like when you cheat on someone then you accuse them of cheating and then you cry.
Riese: On TV.
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Next week, we have a lot to look forward to. For example, Mikey’s gonna get really drunk at an LA FASHION WEEK-related event, so probs we will too.

Laneia: Oh my fucking god
Riese: Wow next week we are supposed to tune in to watch her get drunk and pass out? Is that entertainment
Laneia: The spin-off to this show will be Mikey in AA. Sads.

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Byeeeeeeeee!!!

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