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Mikey
Mikey’s re-reading her daily affirmations to the camera: “Me and Raquel don’t get to spend enough time together because we both work, my clients are depending on me to produce a great event.” WHAT EVENT MIKEY? IT BETTER BE A STAR TREK CONVENTION AND YOU ARE GOING AS GEORDI LAFORGE OTHERWISE I SEE NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR PERSISTENT EYEWEAR.
These are the only characters allowed to wear impenetrable eyewear ALL THE TIME:
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However, if Geordi LaForge applied to The Real L Word, I think they’d say. “HEY, those sunglasses are problematic, maybe we should cast someone else with transparent or non-existent eyeglasses so we can actually see your face and what you’re thinking!” She even types in sunglasses!
Anyhoo.
Back to this magical event! WHAT EVENT IS IT MIKEY?
Riese: If she says LA FASHION WEEK one more time, I am quitting.
Laneia: Add it to the drinking game!
Riese: Every time Mikey says “LA Fashion Week,” take a drink. Done.
BE PREPARED
Laneia: That is a SHIRT
Riese: That shirt is not kidding around
That shirt is ready to hike and make knots for the soap-box derby as soon as they find a space somewhere in the wildlands of Los Angeles to host LA Fashion Week! Mikey says Ian, the best production guy in the buasiness, will find a solution for everything. He will produce the hell out of this unit, so to speak.
Riese: She should just have LA fashion week at her apartment. How many people could really be coming you know?
Laneia: No, that’s a good idea. someone could bring cheese and crackers.
Riese: Timeless snack.
The B-Team
Shanna tells Mikey not to stress as they trek about 100 feet to “the space.” I bet it’s like MySpace! Drumroll…
TA-DA!
LOOK! IT’S SO FASHION! WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Riese: Parking lot?
Laneia: Wat. This is a parking lot.
Riese: I believe this is where one might park one’s car.
Laneia: But once you add the disco ball, it’s ON.
Riese: But where would everyone park?
Mikey says it’s a GREAT SPOT but if they use an outdoor location, they’d have to “tent” the entire space, which costs like, three wedding dresses. “Tenting” is like a dental dam, but for large, paved, outdoor spaces.
IT WAS EVEN MORE PERFECT THAN MY PENIS!
Mikey narrates like this is a National Geographic Special on Kings of The Jungle. If it was, perhaps Mikey would have a bigger budget for this particular event.
Riese: Swear to g*d, they can have it in my basement. I have a really big basement, Mikey. Call me. $500.
Laneia: Maybe Mikey should be dating a hair stylist, not a makeup artist?
Mikey spends most of her precious minutes today on the phone and in her office, doing important things. It’s like The Office, but without jokes.
This is all you need to know:
This sign inspires Mikey:
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Mikey asking “How are we gonna pull this off?” is being added to our drinking game, because it’s her favorite question. Look, blow job face:
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Laneia: She’s talking to someone about someone who was in Bon Jovi, which is such a buttfuck.
Riese: She talks like she’s a storyteller at the library.
Laneia: Next Rod Stewart’s gonna walk in and rip a hole in the space/time continuum…
Riese: …and probs also the fourth wall
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This is Mikey “pitching a client.”
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How big is the tent gonna be Mikey?
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How cool will Fashion Week be even if you have to hold it on MySpace?
The tent for the Parking Lot of Pleasure would cost $20,000, and then they’d have to serve Kool-Aid instead of Sofia Coppola Champagne at the event. So therefore they need to find a new space. Space is fascinating. Unfortunately Mikey “cannot make the sky rain money” so.
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Riese: She is really stressed out about this tent!
Laneia: Does she mean “make it rain” like rappers?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: Like when rappers say ‘make it rain’?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: Or like, real rain?
Riese: It’s my window, I can’t stand the rain.
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Mikey can write on a whiteboard with her sunglasses on:
That’s all.
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Laneia: I wish I had a .mp3 of Cookie Monster saying “FAAAASHIOOON WEEEEEK”
Riese: Me too, let’s call Cookie Monster tomorrow.
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Rose
That’s all of the Days You Know. All of Them.
The house is a mess, says Rose! It’s the worst it’s ever been! On a scale of one to ten, it seems only slightly dirtier than Michael Bluth’s cardboard condo.
Nat’s gotta take a break from hairstyling. It’s time to take a step back from the Manic Panic and evaluate what she “really wants,” which is apparently a formal contract of indentured servitude with that chick in the beanie. Maybe. Until Natalie signs on howevs, Rose is in limbo, not to be confused with that place you go before hell.
Laneia: Natalie has the unique ability to look 19 one minute and 30 the next. I RELATE.
Riese: Just as Rose has the unique ability to look like a 1 on Alex’s masculine scale one minute and a 12 the next.
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ACTUALLY: One thing I do like about this show — perhaps the only thing! — is that the women on it seem to reflect a gender-flexible style that I recognize because most of my friends are like that too — we can do a dress or a suit. That’s maybe the most interesting aspect of the “100-footer” question, in fact. Anyhow. Back to life, back to reality.
Rose & her Dad head on over to a “lesbian wedding reception” ’cause Dad’s got a lezzie friend and comfortable with lesbianism.” In the car over, for the bajillionth time, Rose says she and her Mom haven’t been speaking for many months but doesn’t tell us why. It’s nice to see Rose’s relationship with her father and their dynamics.
BUT HARK A CLUE: Mom & Dad broke up while Rose was still a fetus, so it’s not Rose’s fault. And Mom still talks to Angel, Rose’s ex, who I believe is prohibited by law to come within 100 feet of Rose, lest Rose spot her attitude and sensuality and lesbianism, as she is wont to do.
Laneia: Rose calls Natalie, ‘Angel’?
Riese: No, Angel is her ex. You know Angel, from RENT.
Laneia: OH RIGHT.
Today for You, Tomorrow For Me!
Natalie’s gonna meet up with them later after work but in the meantime, this joint is JUMPIN’! Turn up the music!
Look! It’s the happy couple! I love the tinsel in the hair look, seriously:
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Please Let This Be You One Day Please Get Married Dear Please Do It Now
It appears that the reception is being held in the gym of the Jewish Community Center in Michigan where I attended day camp. Well not the “gym” gym, but like the half-gym that used to be a gym. Now it’s just a FIESTA SPACE. Mikey should check this spot out for LA Fashion Week.
This Party is Less Exciting Than The Parties on Skins
Disaster strikes when Nat gets lost, and calls Rose so they can yell at each other about it, which is not cool ’cause Dad was in he middle of talking about how Rose & Nat should get married so they can party with these kids.
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Laneia: Oh, baby’s lost. I RELATE TO THIS MOMENT
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Nat tries to bust up the Stability Agenda with her feelings, and Dad tries to cool the fight, and Nat says she can’t put a smile on her face when her face is upset.
It’s Fine, There’s Punch Inside That Will Kill Us All
Nat is unable to check her attitude, despite Rose’s suggestion that she check her attitude and have respect for her Dad and, you know, the balloon gate someone spent a long time building and stuff. Nat can’t have a smile on her face because the music is loud and she wants to go home.
From 100 Feet Away, I Can Still See Your Cleavage
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Laneia: Natalie needs a good cry. Maybe some fresh lip gloss. GIRL I KNOW.
Riese: Natalie is being so whiny. I think the honest feeling of caring deeply about what your partner’s parents think of you should overpower the honest feeling of how you feel. Like, if you’ve had a bad day.
Laneia: Nice cleavage though.
Riese: AGREED that is the Rule of Life.
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Back at home, Natalie knows she’s been a bitch but doesn’t wanna talk, and Rose says Natalie already spoiled the night. The dog knows what’s up, per ushe, and it ain’t good.
Rose: “I don’t wanna talk to her. I don’t even wanna hear her.”
That’s Both Parts of A Conversation, So I Guess We Call it a Night?
Riese: Now who’s sulking.
Laneia: At least in my experience, this is how it always happens.
Riese: You’re right, you take turns sulking.
Whatever, it’s a new day and we’re on to more important things for Rose. Like her periodic bromance dates to play basketball or “run around” and do other things where it’s socially acceptable to be SCREAMING ALL THE TIME. But this one’s gonna be different, because it’s going to involve strippers, like this:
Anyhow, that hasn’t happened quite yet, so save your sunglasses.
Riese: Is she going golfing in that outfit? She could try to hit a golf ball through Natalie’s earrings.
Laneia: Later.
Riese: Oh, later.
Although Rose thinks that she can plan this date on the “down low” and not tell Natalie, she forgot about her special furry friend, Mr. Piddles Jr:
Rose [on phone to Bromance friend]: “I can’t tell you, but it entails calling & ordering strippers.”
That’s not how Don’t Ask Don’t Tell works, Rose.
Rose:” [Nat] needs to understand that there are rules. If she wants to be bitchy and snappy and angry, fine. But now I’m getting a free pass.”
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Laneia: That’s not a flawed logic or anything.
Riese: I’m starting to think that Papi really is based on Rose.
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Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry Without Mentioning What the Other Person Also Does Wrong
Natalie maturely apologizes for being a bitch and embarrassing her, but says that Rose does it all the time. Rose isn’t really buying it, because she’s already put her money on the strippers which requires staying mad, much to the puppy’s dismay:
Please Don’t Go Girls
Riese: Can they subtitle this? I can’t hear Nat’s whiny baby voice.
Laneia: Subtitling costs money and all the money was spent on getting Whitney to San Francisco.
Riese: “Investing too much in Whitney” seems to be a popular mistake on this show.
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But you know what’s a good investment? STRIPPERS, which you can apparently order on Facebook. We were hoping for a San Francisco performance-artist sex worker activist stripper, but it’s gonna be this chick instead:
The bros gather at Rose’s to put cocaine around the rims of their wine glasses and get this party started right:
Then Natalie calls ’cause she just quit her job and wants to chat, but Rose has shit to do, like go to the ATM and get out the money for the strippers. Not having time to pull out the money for the strippers is a problem I face every day of my life, seriously. Like, bitch I got shit to do.
Anyhow Rose is so excited about the strippers at the two-hour hotel and nothing will slow her roll.
Dude, Where’s My Strippers?
This Way?
Nah, Bro, It’s This Way:
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Up in the hotel room, there’s a serious Bromance moment:
Rose: “You see that, there’s the world out there. There’s a lot of pussy out there that I’m leaving for you guys.”
These Laps Are Ready for Lap Dances
Laneia: That looks like my dentist’s office.
Riese: I think that might be my dentist in the beanie.
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Rose: “I’m letting my little proteges know that tonight is the night that they grow up a little bit.”
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Here’s how you turn Little Roses into Big Roses:
Put them all on a couch and have a stripper sit on them:
Spread their legs!
Grind your vadge onto their vadge while another girl rubs her tits into your back!
Watch two straight girls touch each other with nails that would probably lacerate your unborn children:
Rose: “We’re not doing anything wrong with the girls, you know? We’re just letting off a little steam. You know, Natalie doesn’t need to know.”
Rose: “I’m making sure I’m not touching anybody because I don’t wanna be in trouble later. So I’m trying to keep it rated NC-17.”
[We have no idea what she means by that. I don’t think cheating follows the MPAA scale. Though personally I don’t think anything you do with a stripper is cheating — as long as it’s safe, who cares. Though doing this, specifically, would be cheating on your brain. Go to a strip club instead, like Tina did. This room has plantation-style blinds for chrissake.]
Rose: “I’m being really good. For me, I’m being a saint.”
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At the end of the night, Rose reminds her friends that Natalie can’t know about this:
Rose: “Bromance meeting real quick: keep this on the down low. No twitter, no MySpace, no Facebook, no nothing!”
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Riese: HAHA SHE FORGOT FLICKR! GOTCHA!
Laneia: YOU’RE ON TV YOU FUCK!
HEY-O FOR SECRETS
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Where Have You Been?
Rose returns home where Nat is napping on the couch and is pissed at Rose for not calling her. Rose makes up a bunch of stuff that she probs got in trouble for directly after this episode aired.
A Kiss From a Rose
Laneia: Now she wants to hug her. This is like when you cheat on someone then you accuse them of cheating and then you cry.
Riese: On TV.
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Next week, we have a lot to look forward to. For example, Mikey’s gonna get really drunk at an LA FASHION WEEK-related event, so probs we will too.
Laneia: Oh my fucking god
Riese: Wow next week we are supposed to tune in to watch her get drunk and pass out? Is that entertainment
Laneia: The spin-off to this show will be Mikey in AA. Sads.
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Byeeeeeeeee!!!
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Ooof. Riese you’re hilarious and I *love* reading these recaps but the pics—renders these posts NSFW for me. Saddening because my guffawing was making my coworkers jealous and they annoy me so I was pleased to antagonize them.
rose was the one who ordered the strippers so i think we should complain to rose
Rose would just yell. Let’s complain to Whitney’s BFF instead.
I think I’d likely be afraid of Rose in person, she’s like a steamroller but far more aggressive. How much longer are you going to subject yourself to this show on our behalf?
I knew someone rather Rose-like IRL. They’re usually too busy trying to get everyone to adore or look up to them, too busy trying to win folks over en masse, to be very scary, mostly they are just obnoxious and off-putting.
“Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since.”
Brilliant. Also, I would probs watch Office Max: The Musical if they changed the words of pop songs to be about office supplies and rolled around on fancy office chairs. It could be funny, right? The NeoFuturists did a mini musical called Cubicle Man and it was fantastic.
When can I collect my Taylor cuddle session? http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4074/4815208267_fe3c735b23_b.jpg
At first I was envious that you won Taylor cuddles. Now I realise that I am envious that Taylor won wasteunit cuddles.
That’s seriously the nicest thing anyone has ever said to/about me. I’m not joking. <3
I haven’t even read the whole article yet, but I just saw the “100 foot lesbian” drawing, and wasteunit, I love you with all my heart.
This recap was epic.
“Hi, I’m Stamie!” I love the sign language / gang signs for getting “serious” with Tracy.
Hilarious! The recaps keep getting better each week!
Man, this show would be 100% better and watchable if they would add Angel from Rent, someone get on that! I can’t take this anymore.
Every time Mickey says “LA Fashion Week” or Rose calls her girlfriend “Dude” like some fratty douchebag, an angel rips off its wings in rage, falls to earth, and then stabs a baby seal with its halo.
Dang, sometimes I call my wife “dude”. Does that make me a dickbag?
I do too ^_^;
Maybe this has already been discussed, but is that a tattoo of Jesus on Mikey’s right arm?! Please tell me it is.
(Star Trek + Sailor Week + Statler and Waldorf FTW…I died)
yes ma’am, that is jesus.
So you’re saying I’m not seeing things. Like when people swear they see Jesus in a grilled cheese or a cloud or whatever. Whew. Also, case in point for why I swore off religion. *patting self on back*
Feeling #1: For whatever reason, in a recap full of hilarity, this line was the one that totally made me lose it and have to start fake coughing to cover up my real laughing at my desk:
“Riese: Timelss snack.”
Feeling #2: WHAT is UP with all the BEANIES on this show? Is this a look that people wear?! Where I live people do not constantly (or maybe ever) walk around in hats that somebody spaced out and forgot to stop knitting and it is not even as warm here as in Los Angeles.
i think it’s a thing. i used to wear beanies all the time for like three years because i thought i was a skater. now i look back on those photos and want to hit myself on the head, but i’m not wearing a beanie anymore so i can’t
When I thought I was a skater I just wore giant boys’ pants all the time but that only lasted a few months and I never learned any skateboard tricks beyond being able to stay upright while going down steep hills. Maybe things would’ve been different if I’d tapped into the Power of the Beanie.
i’ve been on two trips to LA for work this summer and all I can say is… lezzers in beanies = hot trend in fashion (just like feather earrings, apparently)
I will keep watching. If only in hopes that I can come across another Michael Bluth reference in future recaps.
Sigh.
…..I miss the REAL L Word. :S
This show makes me have sad feelings. Where’s Alice when we need her?
Amen sister. Alice would SO set these girls straight.
Or not, because that’s not what we’re about.
But holy jesus this show makes me cry sometimes.
<3 <3 Geordie LaForge <3 <3
you just had to bring him up again and those memories of the days when we were little girls and used to pretend our headbands were visors.
sigh.
seriously though, dudes, Natalie might be annoying and whiny at times, but I got her this episode. you get that way easily when you date someone who is as careless as Rose, or who expects you to always be in a good mood around them.
and what a way to handle the situation. they should all join group therapy, supervised by Stamie and Alyssa, maybe?
that’s a good point about rose/natalie… i feel that we haven’t seen enough of either side to really judge or whatnot.
which i guess is sort of the larger thing with “the real l word” that i try not to think about when recapping lest i get all cranky again, but we don’t really know these people — in a scripted show, the writers make conscious choices of what to tell us about each character so that we understand the character’s role in the action. a good writer only leaves questions where there’s plenty of room for the audience to draw their own conclusions — where the unanswered questions can’t be answered with things that would obliterate the writer’s intent/story.
but with reality tv, editors are attempting to create solid portraits which prevent us from asking any questions at all. it’s more a matter of emphasizing certain things, or leaving out key elements — shaping a personality — and a lot of creative editing, according to cast blogs and stuff.
i don’t even know what i was talking about anymore. oh, people should stop fighting and maybe start an ice cream truck or something, i think that would be fun
In Glasgow ice cream trucks sell drugs, so I would totally watch that episode.
..or the ice truck killer?
I totally get your point about the editing, writing and creating of characters. It’s clear the writers want us to see the “typical lesbian relationship” drama, but in this overly dramatized relationship presented in the series I suddenly had a moment were I recognized myself from a previous relationship, and that somehow triggered my understanding for Natalie, even though we only get to see a highly edited version of her.
“creative editing”, however, is a nice euphemism.
How about this:
http://eater.com/archives/2010/07/19/the-worlds-first-ice-cream-truck-for-dogs-in-england.php
puppy ice truck! puppy ice truck!!!!
Can someone please tell Jill and Nikki how frakkin fugly the wedding dresses drawings are? I’m offended that someone with no drawing skills whatsoever would “draw” this shit and say it’s worth 6000$. I can give the name of at least 50 people who could design something 1 million times better and have it done for a better price. Seriously, what the fuck!
Also Rose is a disgrace, and her girlfriend is no less pathetic either… I don’t think even good editing can hide that from us…
and Ok, am I the only one who was offended with the German comment at the beginning? Seriously discriminating, and such a funny joke for a L.A. lesbian who doesn’t see much further than her own nose…
Overall this show makes me sad, because again, anyone who watches it will get this funky idea of what lesbian life is and it’s also offending even if, somehow, I can’t really explain why…
Voila :D
I haven’t laughed so much since last week’s recap!
Thank you, ladies.
“Look, blow job face:” LOL
I am glad I am not bothering to watch TRLW, not because of programme quality reasons, but because I don’t want to spoil the recaps, particularly the repartee between Reise and Laneia which contain some of the most viscerally despairing lines I have ever witnessed on the internet. My fave today:
I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?
Also, I hope that Whitney gets a new hat every week.
They should consider investing less in Whitney and more in everyone’s puppies.
You know what this show REALLY needs???
More Scarlett.
coincidentally, my life also needs more Scarlett. that might be the only thing i have in common with this show.
filming sex in the shower is one of the many reasons i have stopped watching this show. wtf?
Oh this show could only gain from a 30 minute puppy break, similar to the puppy bowl in the middle of superbowl.
Good recapping.
The tv was on and people were talking but I can’t say I was listening. Especially the wedding parts -complete disinterest in their first world problems
good recap!
i kinda love this show, it makes me smile… and that’s enough
i dont like u recaping it non chronological though
cuz im not from the US and I usually watch 10 minutes – read recap – next 10 minutes – read recap and so on…
couldnt do that on this one, and IT SUCKED!
jajaj
This week while during my s+m session, I realized that Jill is actually really cute. She just has stupid LA hair. Also who is naming these episodes? Are they just picking words out of a hat because they have NOTHING to do with what is happening (which I know isn’t much but come on). I want to name the next one “cantalope” and then make the opening question be about the pros and cons of big weddings and eloping and also ask them about their favorite fruits.
WIN
okay not to sound like a bee-otch, but how in Hades is Mikey the leading lady of LA fashion week when she dresses the way I did in 2002 (when I was in SEVENTH GRADE)? I’m all about some mechanic-chic, but sweetheart this is 2010… get some skinny jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt at the very least :)
AUSTRIA.
That is all.
Autostraddle is brilliant! For the record, I did say, “Autostraddle” 77 times on camera during the Bound shoot. I wasn’t the editor,
But I will say it now….”Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle”
That is a lot of shots for this early in the morning.
that IS a lot of shots! And here’s fun fact for everyone who didn’t actually see the show but read the recap: in addition to missing Nat’s 77 Autostraddles, the editors didn’t actually mention Nat, Jill or Cathy by name, nor did they mention lucky dog leather or jill & cathy’s show. We just pretended like they did when we wrote the recap because we wished they had. We’re tricky like that. Who knows what else we’re capable of.
Shots that I’d be more than willing to take in honor of AS. For serious.
True story: I watch the real L word so these recaps make sense to me. You’re creating a monster, and I like it.
“her eyes “look like saggy vaginas,” which is a side effect of having excess vagina in your face/eye sockets”
…there is no such thing as having excess vagina in your face.
Wait. nevermind.
I choked so hard from my massive intake of break-up queso-dilla from laughing so hard!! THANK YOOOUUUZZZ… that is all.
Riece –
I enjoy your re-caps more than i enjoy the show.
Rock on!!
“Riese: If she says LA FASHION WEEK one more time, I am quitting.
Laneia: Add it to the drinking game!
Riese: Every time Mikey says “LA Fashion Week,” take a drink. Done.”
You would definitely be shitfaced about two minutes into Mikey’s segment. Every. Single. Show. God forbid you’re doing a marathon & playing the drinking game at the same time. :)
Meanwhile, can we blame the boringness on editing? I mean, it isn’t possible for ALL of the characters to be doing this on purpose. Right? Right? Cause I want to like most them. I really, really do.