Tracy
Stamie found Tracy’s Recently Divorced Mom on Facebook and put in a friend request for both Stamie’s “virtual mother-in-law” and while she was at it, her “virtual stepmother-in-law.” Won’t be long before they’re all being invited to events at THE BETTY and getting punched by vampires.
Tracy: “My father got remarried to a very, very very very young girl. He kinda made a joke that you should never date somebody younger than your youngest daughter. And, um. He did.”
Tracy suggests Stamie send a message with her friend request to the Moms, and Stamie has a few bright ideas on that:
Stamie: “Hi, I’m Stamie. I’m Tracy’s friend… Hi, I’m Stamie, I bang your daughter, I’d like to be your friend!”
You’ve only got so much to talk to your Mom about when you leave out the gay stuff, espesh when gay cameras are following you everywhere and you’re halfway-living with your GAY girlfriend & her two kids. Mom probs thinks the “L” is for Los Angeles or Laguna Beach, like the kids on that MTV show.
Stamie agrees that Tracy & Mom need to talk this thing out.
Why? Because now that Stamie & Tracy are like this:
Tracy’s Mom needs to know that Stamie & Tracy are like this:
Happy!
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Laneia: I’m gonna friend request your vagina tomorrow. You better accept me.
Riese: It will accept anything, any time of the month.
But why tell Mom when you could just be on the teevee I MEAN COME OUT ON THE COVER OF AN AUSTRALIAN MAGAZINE? Tracy’s about to snag the opportunity to do just that….
Sidenote/Tangent: I did this once when I got hoodwinked into being one of a few persons highlighted in a magazine article about dating –
August 2006:
Riese: I don’t want to come out to my grandparents, like EVER.
My therapist: Well I think Marie Claire is gonna do that for ‘ya.
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Tracy has to bring clothing to the shoot to go with her wrist cuffs and leather belt.
Tracy: “Do they say “dresses” on there?”
Stamie: “I think she said if you have a strap on, to bring that.”
It’s a Lucky Dog Leather shoot for BOUND, and Beck Starr is gonna be the photographer for this little project. But she’s got big dreams for Tracy and wants her to be on the cover! Kazaam! [I think BOUND ended up putting Dani Campbell on the cover the month this shoot came out because let’s face it, Dani has made out with Tila Tequila and Tracy Ryerson has not, so.] [Or else she’s covering a future issue?]
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Hey-o who’s at the photo shoot?
You can’t drink for the drinking game though, ’cause Nat didn’t say so out loud. This is just what we do. To fill up space with words. Everyone looks sexy and has blues and greens going down in their dreams, a la James Taylor:
If you think Nat‘s the only ex-AfterEllen vlogger featured in this Celesbian Photogasmic Extravaganza, you are sorely mistaken because as aforementioned, Cathy Debouno and Jill Bennett (presently of the independent web-series We Have to Stop Now) are also in the house:
If Only This Was An Episode of Alexi's Closet, My Life Would Be Complete
BANG! BOOM! POP!
It’s A Lesbian With a Camera Just Like in High Art!
You can check out Nat’s Behind-the-Scenes video of the shoot here. And you can see how the photos turned out right here, right now [all of these photos are by Beck Starr for Lucky Dog Leather]
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If you wanna see all the photos from the shoot (and you do) you can find them on the Lucky Dog website.
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Speaking of Lucky Dogs!
At the end of this sexually titillating day, Tracy returns home to her girlfriend because she has a key now so she can enter at any time, just like Alice in Wonderland. Stamie was sleeping and awakens to find her girlfriend sporting a bouffant.
Laneia: Is Stamie drunk? She looks tanked — oh, never mind! She’s just sleepy.
Riese: Yeah probs she was watching this show.
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Jill & Nikki
It’s 10:30 AM in the Temple of Buhdda Zendo Havenshrine, where the happy couple are using their laptops, preparing food for small animals, having shiny hair, and listening to phone calls together on speaker phone.
No I love YOU More!
Before you fall off the edge of your seat, here’s the deal: Camilla The Wedding Planner was not insulted. Jill celebrates by auto-straddling her girlfriend:
The Case of the Expensive Dress has not been solved, but Nikki produces shit for a living and does not want to have to produce her Commitment Ceremonial Solstice Wedding Festival, so she’s kinda torn on what to do.
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Riese: I could find her a cheaper dress if it’s just stress she’s worried about and not the cost, like at Lohemann’s.
Laneia: I wish they’d subtitle these fucking phone calls. It’s like watching Charlie Brown.
Riese: Yeah so we could read the boring thing instead of just imagining that it’s probably boring.
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The dog is nervous; what if he spends the rest of his life in this house/Hallmark card? Where are the strippers?
When we return to Jilnikki, similar activities are underway:
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Riese: Oh now they’re reading. Laptops, books, phones. Neat. It’s like Office Max: The Musical.
Laneia: IN THE BAY WINDOW, or whatever.
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Dog = Scene Stealer
Nikki reads the email out loud — unfortunately, $6,000+ is the cost of custom-made clothing, says somebody. “I can’t on principal. I think it’s exorbitant,” Jill says.
Riese: Jill is right.
Laneia: She’s right. That’s a lot of money for a SLIP WITH A CORSAGE ON THE FRONT.
Riese: They could donate that to Equality California!
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Although everyone, male and female, should have a right to spend their hard-earned money as they like, $6,000+ is insane.
She needs to think less this:
and more this, which is very budget! IT WAS MADE BY ACTUAL BIRDS, NIKKI. ACTUAL BIRDS. AND MICE!
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In search of a great steal, the ladies hit up a local Expensive Boutique, where a very similar dress has been carried across the ocean by British Angeltwinks from Heaven in a sky-carriage made of organic vegan hair culled from the Portia De Rossi’s shower drain. I think. I dunno, it costs like $4,000, which apparently is a bargain?
Do I? Do I Look Like a Pretty Princess? SAY I LOOK LIKE A PRETTY PRINCESS
Oh, did Camilla call a caterer? Because I spy a plate of CHEESE.
Jill: “I’m totally getting emotional! You look beautiful!”
Nikki: “It’s kinda like, perfect!”
Jill: “It’s kinda perfect! You look gorgeous! You’re a bride!”
Nikki: “I will be!”
Jill: “Here comes the bride!”
Nikki’s Mom: “Stunning! Oh MY G*D, Nik it is gorgeous it’s gorgeous!”
Jill: “It’s made for her.”
Nikki’s Mom: “Made for her!”
THIS IS THE BEST DRESS EVER BEEN WORN ON THE ENTIRE PLANET THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET GORGEOUS
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Laneia: It’s a white fucking dress!
Riese: I’M TOO OLD AND CYNICAL FOR THIS
Laneia: JESUS!
Riese: I’m 5 years more cynical and jaded than this scene.
Laneia: It looks like a fucking white dress. But she has nice arms.
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You know who else looks extra cute today? JILL in this vintage t-shirt!
Can’t Wait for Sailor Week
Here’s Jill’s dress, which makes everyone talk like Eloise again and make strange purring noises:
Look Ma, a toga!
Nikki’s Mom: “My god what’s not to like, really? Girls, you’re glamorama!”
Nikki: “That’s it that’s the one. That’s the one!”
idk this photo seemed right
Laneia: It’s a white dress.
Riese: Actually I kinda like the cut of that dress. It’s weird and everything else in this scene is not weird. The dress is the only part of this scene I can relate to.
Laneia: I don’t understand the world.
Riese: …because it looks like something I’d wear, from the sale rack.
Jill wants to feel that it’s just right. She wants to feel it, you know? Like REALLY feel it. Like how she feels Nikki’s fist in her cervix. But this one doesn’t touch her like that and also, her Mom’s not there, so, who knows.
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Laneia: Where’s her mom?
Riese: Who’s mom?
Laneia: Jill’s?
Riese: Probs is in jail? Or like, Idaho.
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Nikki’s Mom knows Jill will change her mind because it is her dress. Anyhow Nikki is going to buy her’s ’cause there’s “no reason not to.” She feels it. The kick inside.
Laneia: I could think of several reasons not to buy that dress, or any other dress that costs $4,000.
Riese: They could invest that in Autostraddle instead. Actually Nikki should invest in Autostraddle, write that down.
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Next: Mikey needs space, Rose needs large breasts in her face
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Ooof. Riese you’re hilarious and I *love* reading these recaps but the pics—renders these posts NSFW for me. Saddening because my guffawing was making my coworkers jealous and they annoy me so I was pleased to antagonize them.
rose was the one who ordered the strippers so i think we should complain to rose
Rose would just yell. Let’s complain to Whitney’s BFF instead.
I think I’d likely be afraid of Rose in person, she’s like a steamroller but far more aggressive. How much longer are you going to subject yourself to this show on our behalf?
I knew someone rather Rose-like IRL. They’re usually too busy trying to get everyone to adore or look up to them, too busy trying to win folks over en masse, to be very scary, mostly they are just obnoxious and off-putting.
“Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since.”
Brilliant. Also, I would probs watch Office Max: The Musical if they changed the words of pop songs to be about office supplies and rolled around on fancy office chairs. It could be funny, right? The NeoFuturists did a mini musical called Cubicle Man and it was fantastic.
When can I collect my Taylor cuddle session? http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4074/4815208267_fe3c735b23_b.jpg
At first I was envious that you won Taylor cuddles. Now I realise that I am envious that Taylor won wasteunit cuddles.
That’s seriously the nicest thing anyone has ever said to/about me. I’m not joking. <3
I haven’t even read the whole article yet, but I just saw the “100 foot lesbian” drawing, and wasteunit, I love you with all my heart.
This recap was epic.
“Hi, I’m Stamie!” I love the sign language / gang signs for getting “serious” with Tracy.
Hilarious! The recaps keep getting better each week!
Man, this show would be 100% better and watchable if they would add Angel from Rent, someone get on that! I can’t take this anymore.
Every time Mickey says “LA Fashion Week” or Rose calls her girlfriend “Dude” like some fratty douchebag, an angel rips off its wings in rage, falls to earth, and then stabs a baby seal with its halo.
Dang, sometimes I call my wife “dude”. Does that make me a dickbag?
I do too ^_^;
Maybe this has already been discussed, but is that a tattoo of Jesus on Mikey’s right arm?! Please tell me it is.
(Star Trek + Sailor Week + Statler and Waldorf FTW…I died)
yes ma’am, that is jesus.
So you’re saying I’m not seeing things. Like when people swear they see Jesus in a grilled cheese or a cloud or whatever. Whew. Also, case in point for why I swore off religion. *patting self on back*
Feeling #1: For whatever reason, in a recap full of hilarity, this line was the one that totally made me lose it and have to start fake coughing to cover up my real laughing at my desk:
“Riese: Timelss snack.”
Feeling #2: WHAT is UP with all the BEANIES on this show? Is this a look that people wear?! Where I live people do not constantly (or maybe ever) walk around in hats that somebody spaced out and forgot to stop knitting and it is not even as warm here as in Los Angeles.
i think it’s a thing. i used to wear beanies all the time for like three years because i thought i was a skater. now i look back on those photos and want to hit myself on the head, but i’m not wearing a beanie anymore so i can’t
When I thought I was a skater I just wore giant boys’ pants all the time but that only lasted a few months and I never learned any skateboard tricks beyond being able to stay upright while going down steep hills. Maybe things would’ve been different if I’d tapped into the Power of the Beanie.
i’ve been on two trips to LA for work this summer and all I can say is… lezzers in beanies = hot trend in fashion (just like feather earrings, apparently)
I will keep watching. If only in hopes that I can come across another Michael Bluth reference in future recaps.
Sigh.
…..I miss the REAL L Word. :S
This show makes me have sad feelings. Where’s Alice when we need her?
Amen sister. Alice would SO set these girls straight.
Or not, because that’s not what we’re about.
But holy jesus this show makes me cry sometimes.
<3 <3 Geordie LaForge <3 <3
you just had to bring him up again and those memories of the days when we were little girls and used to pretend our headbands were visors.
sigh.
seriously though, dudes, Natalie might be annoying and whiny at times, but I got her this episode. you get that way easily when you date someone who is as careless as Rose, or who expects you to always be in a good mood around them.
and what a way to handle the situation. they should all join group therapy, supervised by Stamie and Alyssa, maybe?
that’s a good point about rose/natalie… i feel that we haven’t seen enough of either side to really judge or whatnot.
which i guess is sort of the larger thing with “the real l word” that i try not to think about when recapping lest i get all cranky again, but we don’t really know these people — in a scripted show, the writers make conscious choices of what to tell us about each character so that we understand the character’s role in the action. a good writer only leaves questions where there’s plenty of room for the audience to draw their own conclusions — where the unanswered questions can’t be answered with things that would obliterate the writer’s intent/story.
but with reality tv, editors are attempting to create solid portraits which prevent us from asking any questions at all. it’s more a matter of emphasizing certain things, or leaving out key elements — shaping a personality — and a lot of creative editing, according to cast blogs and stuff.
i don’t even know what i was talking about anymore. oh, people should stop fighting and maybe start an ice cream truck or something, i think that would be fun
In Glasgow ice cream trucks sell drugs, so I would totally watch that episode.
..or the ice truck killer?
I totally get your point about the editing, writing and creating of characters. It’s clear the writers want us to see the “typical lesbian relationship” drama, but in this overly dramatized relationship presented in the series I suddenly had a moment were I recognized myself from a previous relationship, and that somehow triggered my understanding for Natalie, even though we only get to see a highly edited version of her.
“creative editing”, however, is a nice euphemism.
How about this:
http://eater.com/archives/2010/07/19/the-worlds-first-ice-cream-truck-for-dogs-in-england.php
puppy ice truck! puppy ice truck!!!!
Can someone please tell Jill and Nikki how frakkin fugly the wedding dresses drawings are? I’m offended that someone with no drawing skills whatsoever would “draw” this shit and say it’s worth 6000$. I can give the name of at least 50 people who could design something 1 million times better and have it done for a better price. Seriously, what the fuck!
Also Rose is a disgrace, and her girlfriend is no less pathetic either… I don’t think even good editing can hide that from us…
and Ok, am I the only one who was offended with the German comment at the beginning? Seriously discriminating, and such a funny joke for a L.A. lesbian who doesn’t see much further than her own nose…
Overall this show makes me sad, because again, anyone who watches it will get this funky idea of what lesbian life is and it’s also offending even if, somehow, I can’t really explain why…
Voila :D
I haven’t laughed so much since last week’s recap!
Thank you, ladies.
“Look, blow job face:” LOL
I am glad I am not bothering to watch TRLW, not because of programme quality reasons, but because I don’t want to spoil the recaps, particularly the repartee between Reise and Laneia which contain some of the most viscerally despairing lines I have ever witnessed on the internet. My fave today:
I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?
Also, I hope that Whitney gets a new hat every week.
They should consider investing less in Whitney and more in everyone’s puppies.
You know what this show REALLY needs???
More Scarlett.
coincidentally, my life also needs more Scarlett. that might be the only thing i have in common with this show.
filming sex in the shower is one of the many reasons i have stopped watching this show. wtf?
Oh this show could only gain from a 30 minute puppy break, similar to the puppy bowl in the middle of superbowl.
Good recapping.
The tv was on and people were talking but I can’t say I was listening. Especially the wedding parts -complete disinterest in their first world problems
good recap!
i kinda love this show, it makes me smile… and that’s enough
i dont like u recaping it non chronological though
cuz im not from the US and I usually watch 10 minutes – read recap – next 10 minutes – read recap and so on…
couldnt do that on this one, and IT SUCKED!
jajaj
This week while during my s+m session, I realized that Jill is actually really cute. She just has stupid LA hair. Also who is naming these episodes? Are they just picking words out of a hat because they have NOTHING to do with what is happening (which I know isn’t much but come on). I want to name the next one “cantalope” and then make the opening question be about the pros and cons of big weddings and eloping and also ask them about their favorite fruits.
WIN
okay not to sound like a bee-otch, but how in Hades is Mikey the leading lady of LA fashion week when she dresses the way I did in 2002 (when I was in SEVENTH GRADE)? I’m all about some mechanic-chic, but sweetheart this is 2010… get some skinny jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt at the very least :)
AUSTRIA.
That is all.
Autostraddle is brilliant! For the record, I did say, “Autostraddle” 77 times on camera during the Bound shoot. I wasn’t the editor,
But I will say it now….”Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle”
That is a lot of shots for this early in the morning.
that IS a lot of shots! And here’s fun fact for everyone who didn’t actually see the show but read the recap: in addition to missing Nat’s 77 Autostraddles, the editors didn’t actually mention Nat, Jill or Cathy by name, nor did they mention lucky dog leather or jill & cathy’s show. We just pretended like they did when we wrote the recap because we wished they had. We’re tricky like that. Who knows what else we’re capable of.
Shots that I’d be more than willing to take in honor of AS. For serious.
True story: I watch the real L word so these recaps make sense to me. You’re creating a monster, and I like it.
“her eyes “look like saggy vaginas,” which is a side effect of having excess vagina in your face/eye sockets”
…there is no such thing as having excess vagina in your face.
Wait. nevermind.
I choked so hard from my massive intake of break-up queso-dilla from laughing so hard!! THANK YOOOUUUZZZ… that is all.
Riece –
I enjoy your re-caps more than i enjoy the show.
Rock on!!
“Riese: If she says LA FASHION WEEK one more time, I am quitting.
Laneia: Add it to the drinking game!
Riese: Every time Mikey says “LA Fashion Week,” take a drink. Done.”
You would definitely be shitfaced about two minutes into Mikey’s segment. Every. Single. Show. God forbid you’re doing a marathon & playing the drinking game at the same time. :)
Meanwhile, can we blame the boringness on editing? I mean, it isn’t possible for ALL of the characters to be doing this on purpose. Right? Right? Cause I want to like most them. I really, really do.