Quiz: Which ‘Conclave’ Character Are You?

The movie that puts catty in Catholic has become the sleeper queer hit of the year. From the (fascist) cardinal who vapes to Isabella Rossellini’s curtsy, this movie about choosing a new pope would be runner up only to Wicked if the Oscars were determined by number of memes on the gay internet.

Of course, some of this affinity is due to the film’s surprising take on gender and transness. I have a lot of thoughts about how the film handles this aspect of the plot, as well as the ways the film does and does not engage with the harm enacted by the Catholic Church. But no one wants an essay from a Jewish transsexual about Catholicism, or, frankly, anyone to spoil the fun of the elaborate hats and Vatican intrigue. No, what the people want are quizzes! I’m sure you’re all clamoring to know which of these supposedly holy individuals are most like YOU and if you answer these simple questions white smoke will erupt from your computer and tell you.

Conclave is now streaming on Peacock.

Which 'Conclave' Character Are You?

If named pope, which gay slur would you have to apologize for using?(Required)
Pick a lesbian nun movie based on the title:(Required)
Your friend needs an abortion in a state without healthcare. How do you help?(Required)
Why would you rather be trapped in a building with friends, enemies, and strangers other than choosing a new pope?(Required)
What's your favorite aspect of Catholicism?(Required)
Pick a "bad pope" from E.R. Chamberlin's 1969 book 'The Bad Popes':(Required)
What's your favorite form of birth control?(Required)
What's your favorite latin phrase commonly used in English?(Required)
Which of these actors who have played the pope would you most like to do blasphemous things with?(Required)
Which of these likely Oscar nominees should win Best Picture next year?(Required)

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 639 articles for us.

10 Comments

  1. You are Cardinal Bellini!

    You’re very charming. (He’s played by Stanley Tucci after all!) You’re thoughtful and progressive and lovely to be around. But hidden underneath that perfect veneer, you have real feelings that sometimes come bursting out.

    This was such an excellent film but the only film that deserves Best Picture at the Oscars next year is Wicked.

    Reply to This Comment

  2. Super psyched to be Sister Agnes – I feel seen, known, and validated. But the real reason I signed in to comment is that I would LOVE to read an essay by Drew about Catholicism – bring it on!

    Reply to This Comment

  4. Cardinal Lawrence!

    You’re a reluctant leader. A person with principles who people look to when uncertain about their own. You don’t want power, but you have it. And maybe it’s okay to embrace that a bit more.

    This is it. I’ve peaked this is everything I need

    Reply to This Comment

  10. These were so much fun! But real talk – did anyone else read Monsignor Janusz Wozniak (the sad archbishop / papal intendant with a drinking problem) as being in a love relationship with the late pope?

    Evidence:
    1) everyone acknowledges him as being particularly affected by the Pope’s death
    2) he and the Pope would eat dinner together and the Pope would tell him his private thoughts about the day’s work
    3) three weeks after the death of the pope he breaks down saying his last confession was a month ago, WHICH MEANS THE POPE WAS HIS CONFESSOR
    4) characters say his drinking has recently gotten worse, right when the pope was dying

    and if so, honestly – who can blame him for being emotionally unstable? He was losing his boyfriend who was also his boss and his therapist.

    Reply to This Comment

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