Romance, convoluted plotlines, and idyllic settings — Hallmark Channel’s Christmas movies simply deliver the goods this time of year. And now, it’s time to find out what shape your life might take if some strange wizard came along and placed a curse on you that trapped you in a Hallmark movie. Which, wow, someone make that movie! Yes, I could have used existing Hallmark Christmas movies for this personality quiz, but what fun is that — especially when there still aren’t enough queer and lesbian ones out there! Consider all of these results my official pitches for movies that should be made! Get at me, Hallmark!
Take the quiz, and get a completely made up gay Christmas movie just for you! Want to see the other options? Take the quiz again!
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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Kayla has written 949 articles for us.
Love the entire plot of Write Christmas. Very on point for me from beginning to end
Same !
And I’m not worried about the horror subplot because in the Halloween Quiz I got “final girl” as my result… it’s all coming together !
Kayla! This is so good. I would definitely watch Let it Go Let it Go Let it Go
A barista dreams of becoming an aspiring screenwriter of romantic-comedies. In addition to long shifts at the cafe, they make extra money by answering relationship advice letters from LGBTQ+ folks. They find themselves often writing the words let it go as they encourage letter writers to move on from their shitty exes. But the person who has the hardest time taking their advice…is themself. As Christmas nears, they strike up a flirty dynamic with the cafe’s newest hire. But their emotional baggage keeps getting in the way. Will they be able to let it go? Meanwhile, the opportunity of a lifetime presents itself when a Hollywood agent shows up in town. But how can they write a compelling romantic-comedy when they can’t see the one that’s unfolding in their own life? Does it sound like there’s too much going on in this movie? Absolutely, but so many of these Hallmark movies have not just A, B, and C plots but like…all the way through J plots.
Got the same thing.
“Will they be able to let it go?”
Narrator: Spoiler, they will not.
Your Entirely Made Up Gay Hallmark Christmas Movie is…Naughty/Nice
Okay, fine, this imaginary kinky BDSM erotic-thriller has more Lifetime vibes than Hallmark vibes, but I make the rules here! In Naughty/Nice, Santa is a hot older dom whose punishments are a little more intense than coal if you know what I mean. A spanking paddle shaped like a candy cane! A dildo shaped like a Christmas tree! This movie has it all.
How tf did I get here-?
I got Twelve Dykes of Christmas and I beg someone with more musical talent than me to come up with the lyrics.
I got this as well and though I loathe Christmas and its music, I LOVE this plot summary and wish it was being made!
“In a dykey Dickensian tale, one unsuspecting queer with a reputation for being a fuckboi is visited by the “ghosts” of…people she ghosted. They’re not dead, per se, just astral projections of exes and ex-hookups who attempt to get the protagonist to do some introspection and go to therapy. It is, by all accounts, the protagonist’s worst nightmare (before Christmas). Inevitably, one of the exes actually makes some good points, and a flame is rekindled…this time with healthier boundaries and expectations for everyone involved.”
That sounds amazing. I want to watch it too!
i got co-op christmas and i know this happened because i chose the PBR can christmas tree, yet i still wouldn’t change a thing
Can we all agree that Saving Face is not a stocking stuffer? It is a complete gift, all by itself!
I picked it and was like jackpoooooooot!!!
Such a fun quiz! Good for getting into the holiday spirit
(I love seeing what my friends get as well)
I got Write Christmas, never before has a quiz result spoken to me this deeply.
Man, I wish I could watch Christmas at the Co-Op. big gay socialist vibes
Wow getting dragged by this quiz for not being over my ex. I also have a podcast where I sometimes give out queer advice, so yes, it’s accurate.
The Princess Bottom.
I did have to fudge an answer, though, as I’d be listening to I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, but by Danielle LoPresti instead of Dolly Parton. Seriously, it’s a great cover.
oh my, I got naughty/nice! Now all we need is for someone to write this.
Okay, fine, this imaginary kinky BDSM erotic-thriller has more Lifetime vibes than Hallmark vibes, but I make the rules here! In Naughty/Nice, Santa is a hot older dom whose punishments are a little more intense than coal if you know what I mean. A spanking paddle shaped like a candy cane! A dildo shaped like a Christmas tree! This movie has it all.
I took the quiz again because I am a multi-faceted being and got dyke the halls; enemies to lovers is my shit, let’s option this, dykes:
A queer interior designer moves out of the big city and back to her ski resort-adjacent hometown after a breakup. There’s a large base of wealthy people with winter vacation homes in the area, so she hopes to get hired to renovate and decorate some of these fancy lodges and build a business in town. But SOMEONE is not having it! Specifically, another queer interior designer who already makes her money off of these seasonal visitors. And oh yes, these two queer interior designers absolutely grew up together and absolutely were rivals. In a classic enemies-to-lovers twist, these two get in a literal snowball fight that turns into a snowbank makeout. Why compete when they can just open a firm together! Nancy Meyers vibes — but make it gay and Christmasy! Also this is, inexplicably, a musical.
I want to watch this!!!!! And twelve dykes of Christmas
Let it Go Let it Go Let it Go.
Accurate.
Thank you for your contribution to the gayness of my Sunday evening, (after watching that Hamburger Marys Undercover Boss episode), and getting ready for my exceedingly straight job in the morning.
WRITE CHRISTMAS of course excellent i look forward to my twist
Christmas at the Co-op! So excited for PBR and nutritional yeast to finally show up in a Hallmark movie.
I got dyke the halls! First off amazing name and an even better plot. i would give anything for someone to make this
Enemies to lovers plot? My favourite trope! This is the most accurate quiz I have ever taken. Someone make Dyke the Halls right now.
I got Christmas Divorce!
A recently divorced dyke named idk something like Donna seizes the opportunity to carve out her independence and make new traditions that are just hers after a dramatic divorce from the first woman she ever loved (named idk something like Jacqueline but goes by Jack). There’s only one problem: The exes are also in the midst of an intense custody battle…over their dog (a sprightly miniature pinscher to be exact). Will they survive the holidays as the heat between them intensifies? Will Donna have any luck on her Hinge dates when her ex keeps blowing up her phone? Will she fall for Jack’s old manipulative tricks? And how does the cute new gay postal worker in town factor in to all of this? Only I know the answers to these questions, because I am making these movies up.
Kayla I need to know how this one ends!
I seeing missed the part where these movies are fake before I took the quiz, and upon getting Christmas at the Co-op, muttered to myself “huh, why haven’t I seen this movie?” BECAUSE KAYLA IS INTENT ON BREAKING MY HEART IS WHY! I lived in so many group houses where my roommates and I made fun of actual co-ops and would 10/10 watch someone violate a radical honesty code for love. Pony House. It’s perfect.