Inevitably, the holidays are a complicated time for a lot of LGBTQ people and are especially intense during an election year. As we approach Thanksgiving, many of you are likely struggling to decide if you really want to spend the holiday with family members who don’t support you in your authentic queer and/or trans self — or who actively voted against your rights. So I’ve put together some questions that could help you make that decision.
First, a bit about me so you can understand some of the personal points of view I’m bringing this to. I’m not estranged from my parents or family, but my wife is from hers. She has no contact with her parents and other family members, including one of her siblings. Many of the people I’m closest to outside of my family have complicated, strained, or nonexistent relationships with their parents or other members of their own families. Showing up for these people in my life and offering them the support their own families have denied them is one of the most important priorities in my life when it comes to my most meaningful relationships.
I’m also very pro the idea of building your own queer traditions and rituals around holidays in general, even in instances that are less conflict-ridden. Despite my relatively healthy relationship with my family, I do not actually spend Thanksgiving with them anymore. This started in 2020 when my now-wife/then-girlfriend and I couldn’t safely travel to my family’s Thanksgiving celebration in Nashville because of COVID. We ended up celebrating at home, and I cooked an entire Thanksgiving meal for just the two of us, and it wasn’t perfect, but it was surprisingly… nice. Even in good situations, being around family can be hard or a mixed bag. The things my wife and I did during that first Thanksgiving, just the two of us, have become recurring traditions every year since, a mix of some things from our childhood and new rituals we’ve built together. There’s a queer intentionality behind the way we spend the day, and it has completely transformed the way I regard the holiday. We’ve done the same for Easter, and even when it comes to Christmas, which we do celebrate with my family, we’ve found ways to make the holiday our own, celebrating in ways that feel queer and that allow us to be our truest selves.
This article isn’t about cutting your family off entirely if you don’t want it to be. It’s about setting new boundaries around family and holidays. Familial obligation is a powerful force, and it can feel even more intense during the holiday season. But if you’re a queer or trans person currently bracing yourself for having to be around people who don’t believe you should be able to live your life freely as yourself, I want you to know — you don’t have to put yourself in that position.
Consider answering the questions below directly in a journal or your Notes app. This isn’t a simple flow chart situation that will end in crystal clear answers. And even if you do ultimately decide to spend the holiday with your family, answering the following questions for yourself can better equip you to set boundaries in person as needed. Each question includes some context as well as some related tips for how to navigate difficult holiday times.
1. Will this take more from me than it gives?
I mean, this is the big obvious question, right? No doubt even if you have a complicated relationship with your family, there are parts you might love about your holiday traditions with them. But I do want to remind you that you can steal those traditions and make them your own. You can do them with chosen family, with friends, with partners. If it’s helpful, make a literal pros and cons list about attending your family’s festivities, but also assign value to each entry based on how good/bad those things feel. So “seeing my favorite cousin” might be +15 but having to talk to a Trump-voting aunt might be -50. Our feelings aren’t actually mathematical, obviously, but it can help you visualize the balance between the “good” and the “bad” of doing the holiday with your family. Sometimes flatting shit into equations can actually help you see the nuances. Give it a whirl!
2. Who am I doing this for?
Listen, I’m first generation on my dad’s side and second generation on my mom’s side. I am not by any means going to knock familial obligation when I come from a family of many immigrants. If you’re going purely for the sake of others, especially elders in your family, that’s okay. These questions are meant to be more of a reflection than an exam where your score at the end reflects you should/should not go to your family’s holiday gathering. But if you are going for others and not at all for yourself, that’s useful information to have going into the experience.
Whose feelings are you prioritizing in your decision to go/not go? Are your feelings coming into play at all or is it only the feelings of others? In 2024, we should all be way less afraid to “offend” or “upset” family members who are an affront to our existence and values.
Make sure to prioritize spending time with the person/people you’re really there for and avoid others who might (refer back to #1) take more than they give.
3. What version of myself will be going? Is that a version of myself that feels comfortable?
This is basically another way of saying: Will you be able to be your authentic self at this gathering? And if not, is that something you can deal with? We all have to perform different versions of ourselves from time to time, for various reasons. So having to inhabit a different version of yourself isn’t an automatic reason not to go, but it can be helpful to think about it ahead of time. What parts of yourself will you have to hide or downplay for your own safety or mental health? Is it worth it?
4. Can I meaningfully engage with my family about politics and maybe even push them on their beliefs?
When your family’s beliefs maintain that you and people like you should not have rights, it can feel fruitless, demoralizing, and even harmful to yourself to try to fight them. If it’s highly likely you’ll end up in an argument over your basic rights at the dinner table, maybe that’s something you shouldn’t subject yourself to, unless you feel like you can get through to them and the cost is worth it to you. Now is definitely not the time for political apathy, but knowing which battles we can win is crucial to the overall fight.
On the other hand, this is a time where intracommunity allyship is deeply needed. If you are a cis gay person who wants to advocate for the trans people in our community, pushing back on your transphobic relatives is one way to do so, especially when it comes to relatives that just seem ill- or under-informed who you feel you can educate and push. Trans issues specifically are an area where even people who didn’t vote for Trump or who consider themselves left-wing are often still harboring bigoted and inaccurate ideas.
5. Where can I go if I need a breather and to reset?
Are you staying overnight with your family? Do you have your own room or your own place to stay? Family gatherings can sometimes feel a little like Trap starring Josh Hartnett minus the murder. Look for your figurative emergency exits and, if you’re indeed feeling trapped, do what gay people have been doing at predominantly straight gatherings for as long as time: Go to the bathroom and text your queer friends. Rant if you need to. Commiserate.
Thinking ahead about what spaces may or may not be available to you to reset in at the gathering can help you visualize a plan for if you end up feeling trapped or suffocated. And if you can’t even envision a space like that, it’s another indicator that maybe it’s best not to go. If you have no choice, try to create a reset space as best as you can, even if it’s mostly in your mind. Try out these anxiety hacks, which are framed around dealing with crowds, but hey, a lot of holiday family dinners feel like being in the pit of a concert you never wanted to see in the first place.
Also think about what you can do if you do need to leave. How far away are you traveling and what is the financial cost of the trip? Will it be easy/doable for you to leave early if you need to?
6. Do I crave these specific traditions or do I just like having the comfort and ritual of traditions in general?
The big realization I had when shifting away from celebrating Thanksgiving with my family to celebrating with my wife was that while, sure, I did miss the specificity of some traditions with my family, creating new traditions pretty quickly and satisfyingly filled that void. The things I missed most, I could recreate in some way — mainly, specific foods, but I also adopted my family’s tradition of ordering Indian takeout the night before Thanksgiving. Now I just do it with my chosen family in Florida, which also means I get to usher new people into my traditions, which feels amazing!
If you’re going to your family’s for the holiday because you want to maintain certain traditions, can you imagine those traditions in a new context and with new people? If you are newly estranged or considering estrangement, holidays can be really hard because we’re hardwired to crave traditions when we’ve been doing them long enough, so finding ways to reinvent or recreate them can really make the difference between a lonely “recently/partially estranged” holiday and a joyful one.
7. How did I feel before, during, and after the last family gathering I went to?
Your past experiences can act as “data” for you to collect and analyze for patterns and to anticipate certain outcomes! Try to recall how you felt leading up to, during, and in the aftermath of your last family gathering, especially one that’s holiday-related. It can actually be helpful to revisit question one and see if there’s any information you can add based on past experiences in terms of how much is taken vs. given.
Did you develop any coping mechanisms last time that you can use again now? Is there anything you would have done differently? For example, if you stayed overnight in your parents’ house and that felt like too much, do you have a friend you can stay with instead or can you afford a hotel/Airbnb so you can have your own space?
If you felt miserable the entire time last time, don’t expect to do all the same shit and feel differently this time around.
All of these questions are designed with proactivity and self-protection in mind. If you have a choice between going/not going, then you should take some time to really consider that choice. Going does not have to be the default, even though it’s often easy to trick yourself into thinking it is. If you don’t have a choice, then these questions can help you figure out how to make the time with complicated family members the safest and most comfortable it can be. Make a plan. Don’t go in expecting others to have changed; you can be the one to change — in your expectations, boundaries, and level of engagement. If you’ve been in the position of intentionally forgoing a family gathering before, what are some other questions you think can be helpful for others to consider when weighing the same decision? Offering advice to others is one small way we can all be there for each other during this tough time of year.
