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Welcome to Queer Sex Horror Stories! This Autostraddle miniseries features embarrassing, shriek-worthy events that have happened to our writers during sex (and they’re all 100% true). Gather around our virtual campfire and prepare to clench your butt cheeks. In the words of R.L. Stine: Reader, beware…you’re in for a scare!

I’d just started my sex toy industry job. I was super excited to grow my personal sex toy collection and expand my sexual repertoire. More specifically, I wanted to dive into my Femme Domme persona. Given my previous experience, my training at the sex shop, and all the porn I’d watched, I was ready to pick the perfect products for the perfect scene. Or so I thought.

I bought a remote control vibrator and a gemstone butt plug. The butt plug had a ball that rolled around on the inside to give the wearer a rumbly sensation while they moved around. The plan was to go to the mall with my submissive, who would be wearing the butt plug and the vibe. We’d shop for lingerie; then we’d grab lunch. Throughout the whole day, I’d be teasing them until we got back to my place to play. It was going to be the perfect scene.

At the mall, we bought matching panties at both Hot Topic and Victoria’s Secret (I particularly enjoyed being a pervert in Victoria’s Secret). Watching my submissive react to the vibrator in public was thrilling, especially during our lunch at a very vanilla restaurant. They said the butt plug was giving them new and exciting sensations. It seemed like everything was going smoothly — by the time we got back to my place, we’d both be warmed up and ready to dive into the full scene I’d planned out.

The ride back to my house was filled with sexual tension, and my submissive mentioned that they couldn’t wait to take the butt plug out. I didn’t even think twice about it — I just assumed they were ready for something more substantial than my tiny gemstone plug. When we got to my place, I had them lean over my bed and present their ass to me, and that’s when I saw it: My submissive’s hungry hole had swallowed the plug. Not completely, but enough that my stomach dropped. I could still see the gemstone glimmering up there. I didn’t want to alarm my sub. “The plug went a little deeper than expected,” I calmly told them. “I’m going to need you to relax so I can get it out.”

This was truly my worst nightmare come true. When it comes to sex toys, there’s a very important rule: “Without a base, without a trace,” meaning anything that goes in a butt needs to have a substantial, flared base to prevent it from getting lost. Gemstone plugs like the one I’d given my submissive are notorious for their terribly small bases. Unfortunately, I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

I wanted to thrive in this industry, and I definitely didn’t want this to be the start of my legacy. I knew I would never be able to live with the shame of taking my sub to the hospital to get the plug removed, so I was determined to fish it out on my own. Fortunately, with some gentle coaxing, words of encouragement, and my nimble fingers, I miraculously managed to fish it out!

The moral of the story is: If you’re putting anything up your own ass or someone else’s, make sure your toy 1. has a base, and 2. that its base is actually wide enough to prevent the toy from getting lost. Remember: the other end of your asshole is your mouth, so unless you want a trip to the ER, make sure your butt plug’s base is substantial.

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