Welcome to our monthly coven meeting, queer witches. Now that we know how to use our orgasms to cast spells, it’s time to learn how to have sex with a to attract the partner of your dreams. Obviously.

What is candle magick?

Candle magick uses candles as a tool to transmit our spell from Earth across the veil. Remember that energy is neither created nor destroyed. As the candle burns, our spell goes to get to work. When the candle is finished burning the spell is complete. Often, for spells that do not include inserting the candle into an orifice, witches elaborately decorate their candles using carvings, oil, and glitter. Learn more about candle magick and how to do various candle spells with the book The Enchanted Candle.

First, consider candle color. Color magick is a field of magick in of itself. Green represents health and prosperity and great for or money magic. Black is often used for banishing work. Red represents passion. If red is fiery passion, pink is a softer, caring love. Blue is tranquility and yellow is sunshine and abundance. White acts as a stand-in for any color and cleansing spells. I’ll teach you more about color magick in another column. Right now we must get to the candle sex.

When is the best time to cast this spell?

The waxing moon phase, when the moon is growing, is always a good time for any magick surrounding gain. This includes growing your bank account and putting your call out for your ideal partner. The full moon is a potent and powerful time for any magick. However, love is not patient. Nor is it kind. It’s intense and hard, but we put in the energy because the heart wants what the heart wants (and we’re horny). So do this spell whenever you are like, Googling ‘Can you die from horniness?’” or thinking “If I go another month without a relationship I’m getting that face tattoo.” Please. Horniness kills.

What deity should I work with?

You don’t have to work with any deity ever, but if doing so pleases you there are many options. Venus is the Roman goddess of love, beauty, sex, and abundance (pretty much everything delicious in life). She’s a go-to deity for love spells. Other love gods and goddesses include Aphrodite (Greek), Frigga (Norse), Parvati (Hindu). Work with a deity that speaks to you or that you have cultural ties with. If it’s a deity from a culture other than your own always remember to practice cultural appreciation rather than appropriation. Pro tip: Be careful when invoking Satan for this one!

Step-by-Step Breakdown:

1. You will need a candle shaped like a genital. If you’re interested in having penetrative intercourse with your candle, opt for a penis shape. No, this does not mean that your dream partner must have a penis. It’s just easier to stick a penis candle in you than it is a pussy candle. Please remember that we all contain both feminine and masculine energies, which also do not need to correlate with genitals. Plus, anyone can have a cock. I have a row of cocks. One cock contains silver glitter, and another is shimmery purple. I keep them lined up in plain sight to remind my cishet dude friends that I have a bigger dick than them. However, if you’d prefer a vagina candle, those are exquisite as well. You may do the spell with whatever that means to you, from touch to knife play. This is true for anyone who wants a penis candle as well. Purchase your penis candle at your local occult store or here. For this spell go with white, red, or pink.

2. Light sage (The Hoodwitch sells ethically sourced white sage) or anoint the candle with Florida water to cleanse it of any energies picked up prior to coming into your possession.

3. Write an intention letter stating exactly what you want in your partner. While being specific about your needs is important, leave a little wiggle room with the details. The universe may have someone in mind for you so lovely that you couldn’t dream them up.

4. Carve your name, your zodiac symbol, and a sigil (if you please) into your candle. A sigil is a magickal symbol that holds a message. Book such as The Enchanted Candle includes ready-made sigils for spells. You can also make your own sigil. How? Boil your intention letter down to a single sentence, such as “I want a powerful goth girlfriend who isn’t freaked out by my neuroses and loves cats.” Choose a letter from the sentence, such as “O” and draw an “O” on a piece of paper. Cross out every “O” in your intention sentence. Move on to another letter, such as “G.” Draw a “G” inside the “O” and cross out each “G.” Continue until every letter is used. Your drawing is your sigil.

5. Hang out with your candle as if it was your partner for an entire week. Watch TV with it. Sleep next to it. Have sex with it. Keep reading.

6. To have penetrative sex with your magick candle, you’ll need condoms. While anointing a candle with fluids from the vagina or anus usually gives you you extra witch points, we don’t want wax getting inside us or any yeast infections as a spell side effect. If buying condoms isn’t something you usually do, rejoice at your chance to experience a pharmacist’s judgement with the knowledge that they’re for a penis candle.

7. Roll the condom over the candle and masturbate with it. Use latex-friendly lube. To amp up the spell, practice sex magick, and think about your dream partner while the candle is inside of you. Have an orgasm if you can.

8. After a week of dating your candle, place it on your altar. If you don’t have an altar use the table in your home adorned with photos and objects that remind you of the people you love and look up to (you already have an altar).

9. Light the candle.

10. Practice fire safety. Do not leave the penis’s devilish flame unattended.

11. When the candle is finished burning, your spell is complete. Keep an eye out for your partner within the next few months and be careful what you wish for.

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