Welcome to the weekly AF+ Advice Box , in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our AF+ ask box!
I’ve been with my girlfriend for four years, and two years ago, we bought an apartment...
Q1, it sounds to me like you’re finding yourself “poly under duress.” It is 100% okay for this to be a desire of your gf’s that means you aren’t compatible. It seems to me like she was scared of telling you she was poly because she worried you’d break up, but that’s now leading to you agreeing to be poly because you’re afraid that if you , you’ll break up. There is nothing inherently wrong or controlling or unhealthy with being monogamous. I also think it’s fine to want to know about your partner’s friends! There’s a difference between someone having friends they mostly hang out with on their own but presumably have told you about and talk about you with, and who you maybe wave to when you’re picking your partner up from their rugby game or dropping off snacks for their DnD night and having a friend group they insist on you not meeting.
First of all, Em Win, thank you for the excellent film tips! Tampopo!! Yeah!!!
Question 1.
I recently went to a poly group, and all people present there came into polyamoury after they had cheated on their partner or vice versa. In all situations, poly was used as a preaching tool to force the other partner to be ok with the cheating. That made me really unconfortable and as someone who is pretty relaxed, i find it morally wrong and not what polyamoury should be.
Plus it was mainly straight married couples, where the male part did the cheating, so it was super obvious what power dynamics were going on there. So maybe, as a test to clear you mind, you could ask yourself how your situation would look from the outside if you were a straight couple.
It even happened to me once, where i offered an open relationship at the start of the relationship, and that person still cheated on me, in the sense of not informing me that there was a third person and making me feel like an idiot. So there was something really wrong there and the fact that they could not be honest was a red flag in itself.
What i cannot handle are people going behind my back, manipulating me, or lying to my face, and i mean, who can?
Q1 – five years ago I could have written this! Some of the details differ, but this happened to me. I agreed to be poly after my ex had already opened the relationship without informing me. We did decide to stay together and try to work it out and for a while, our relationship was much better. it is crazy how much I can relate to this! But it turned out the problem was not poly, the problem was my ex could not communicate with me and kept withholding and not outright lying, but just keeping things from me and I turned into this suspicious insecure person and wondered if I was trying to be something I wasn’t (poly) just to save the relationship. I agree with what Kayla and Nico said — poly requires so much honesty and communication and my ex simply wasn’t capable of that at the time and after the brief honeymoon period, I was miserable in the relationship. We had to break up. Ironically, I am now in a healthy poly relationship (it turns out it works very well for me when it’s done right!) and my ex now doesn’t know if she is poly or not.
I know it’s hard when you’re not only financially entangled with someone else to see how a break up could even be possible, but also when you are so invested in the future you’re building with this person you love with your whole heart, that is really hard to give up. But please prioritize yourself in this. Center your own needs and really explore what kind of relationship will make you happy, because you deserve a relationship that makes you happy and prioritizes your needs too, not just your partner’s. Even though my version of this ended in a break-up, it was the best thing that could have happened to me, because I did find a new healthy relationship and after taking some time to heal, my ex is still in my life as a close friend. I am rooting for you and wish you the best as you navigate this!