Welcome to the 33rd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

I’ve been meaning to write in and ask you a question related to having kids, climate change, ecofascism (?), et al.. and then I saw the question in this weeks Into the A+ Advice Box and I was like WOW ok I need to ask my question too and other people are thinking about this. So, here goes:

My sisters are both staunchly against having kids due to climate change and the environmental impact of bringing more humans into the world. (We’re all in our late 20s-early 30s). I say staunchly because, anytime babies or pregnancy comes up in conversation they will roll their eyes, say stuff like “ew gross!”, and just generally voice their disgust. Even to the point when friends or family of ours have made birth announcements my sisters will side text me to talk shit about the pregnancy.

I’m at such a loss. I’m on the same page as them in that, I too have decided not to have kids for environmental (and other, emotional & mental health reasons). It took a lot for me to come to that decision; when my partner and I first got together 9 years ago I was totally convinced we were going to pick out a sperm donor, get pregnant, all of it. Then I decided 4 years ago that pregnancy wasn’t the right choice for me or us, and that we actually want to foster/adopt.

My problem is, the way my sisters bash on people who are pregnant is really upsetting to me. I don’t agree with people having kids right now (and have had some really angry, tearful venting sessions with my partner as we’ve processed our grief about bringing children into this world and our disbelief that anyone could be excited to choose being pregnant right now) — but it’s really hard for me to listen to my sisters talk so hurtfully about people we know who are pregnant or parenting. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even mention mutual friends or relatives of ours who have kids because I don’t want to be steamrolled in the conversation and hear more of their rage. I’m at a loss about how to deal with it, if I should just accept that we have different ways of expressing our values and continue to avoid/minimize the possibility of the topic coming up? Or if I should confront them? I’m not sure what I’d say: “I *agree* with you but please don’t express yourself like that.” (I don’t want to be a tone police!)

My partner and I have many friends and relatives who are parents and we really enjoy and cherish time spent with our friends’ kids (we love being the lesbian aunties!!) My sisters both have some connections to kids in their lives via friends/family, but they don’t really actively seek out the chance to spend time in those connections. I’ve seen both my sisters be really good stand in babysitters at like, family gatherings and other group situations where we are all around kids. They aren’t mean or rude to our friends/family and their kids in these situations; and in fact are really good at asking the kids questions about school and their interests, including them in conversation, reading books or playing games w/ them etc. (After the event, however, they’ll text and vent and include me in it.)

We used to be really close and now I feel like this has put distance between us. Also, I have seen those posts on social media in the past year about white people being against having kids for climate reasons is called ecofascism and I’m like, fuck if my siblings are being indoctrinated into something I do need to speak up. I have heard them repeat that meme of Dwight from the Office (“we need another plague.”)

Anyways, I hope any of this made sense and that there is a question in there that someone may have advice about. I’d love to hear from more queers on this topic and would be interested to read more on Autostraddle about parenting/not parenting/climate disaster/preparing for the future with or without kids.

Thank you! I appreciate this space so much. <3

A:

Himani: As you note, the way your sisters are talking about other people’s decisions to not have children is not ok. I think you should have an honest, heart-felt conversation with them about how this is hurting you. Say some of the things you’ve written here about how difficult it is for you to participate in those conversations and that it’s led you to censor some of what you say around them. I don’t think it’s tone policing to tell someone that you don’t particularly care to hear them talk shit about your friends and family who are getting pregnant and having children. I encourage you to think about what clear boundaries you may need and then communicate those, as I think doing that may help delineate for your sisters what you’re comfortable with and what crosses the line for you. For instance, do you want to be excluded from those side text messages talking shit about someone after a pregnancy or birth announcement? On the other hand, do you want to be able to have space to talk about your pain/grief around deciding not to have children?

On the ecofascism front — so this is something I honestly had not heard about until it was discussed in the comments in the last advicebox and I only googled it briefly. I honestly don’t know what to say about it because I just don’t know enough, but some of what I read actually made a lot of sense to me — talking about how the framing of not having children makes climate change a problem of individual choices when it’s systemic and it’s about economic systems and also how discussions around “not having children” disproportionately place this burden on particular communities and exclude discussions of reproductive / contraceptive access and care. That said, I’ve only read about this a little bit recently and I have no idea how it’s being discussed on social media so I’m not coming out strongly one way or the other. What I will say is that the “we need another plague” attitude is absolutely not acceptable in my book. Because who do these plagues inevitably end up wiping out, overwhelmingly, disproportionately? It sure as shit isn’t white people.

Ro: You don’t have to share your own conflicted feelings about having children with your sisters unless you want them to learn how to make space for that. Regardless of your own grief around child-having, it sounds like your sisters’ judgement is making you think less of them. You can tell them that — sometimes people need to hear it. It might also help to remind your sisters that: 1. Not everyone chooses to get pregnant, and 2. Climate change isn’t a result of cousin Trudy having kids. It’s a result of capitalism, corporate greed and a misallocation of resources. If your sisters want to turn their anger into something that’s actually constructive, they can get involved in climate justice work.

Kayla: I understand your impulse to want to approach this matter with your sisters in an empathetic and careful way, especially since you are (or used to be) very close with them, but I promise you it would not be “tone policing” or harmful to be very direct with them about the fact that the things they are saying are really not okay (on a lot of levels!). It does sound like you’ve already arrived at the conclusion yourself that the way they talk about pregnancy and parenting and side-text to talk shit is unkind and judgemental and so now you’re looking for guidance (or maybe permission) to express that to them. I absolutely agree with Ro that if they are this worked up about the climate crisis they should channel that energy into getting involved in climate justice initiatives which would do a whole lot more than just shit-talking parents. What they’re doing isn’t only unproductive—it’s misguided, simplistic, and even cruel. Your sisters aren’t showing a whole lot of empathy here, and it makes sense that it’s having an effect on you! I think you have to set some clear boundaries with them. And it might help to ask them questions about WHY they are being so aggressive about their extreme anti-pregnancy feelings. (And refuse to accept an answer as simple as “climate change.”) Sometimes forcing people to look at the underlying sentiments of their behaviors/beliefs will encourage some introspection and growth.

Q2:

Hi everyone. Long story short, I have complex PTSD from traumatic experiences around Covid. (It’s been a rough year to be a healthcare worker). Therapy seems to be going okay and I’m working up the nerve to try and start dating again. Having this diagnosis is new to me and I’m wondering if you have any advice about how to talk about it, or when to talk about it in the context of dating. Thank you.

A:

Ro: First, thank you so much for your work in healthcare. I cannot imagine doing your job right now. I’m so happy to hear that you’re acknowledging the trauma you’ve been through and are getting the support you need.

You’re not required to disclose your diagnosis or your trauma when you’re dating new people, but sometimes acknowledging it — even in vague terms — can improve your communication. While I don’t have an “official” CPTSD diagnosis, I have, experienced trauma that has affected my dating life. With new partners, I feel most comfortable bringing up past trauma when it’s relevant, whether I’ve just had a trauma response or I anticipate a situation where a trauma response might arise. For example, I might tell a new partner, “Heads up — I’ve experienced some sexual trauma, so when we’re having sex, please don’t touch [blank].” Or if I’ve had a trauma response (i.e. I became unreasonably upset about something that would seem like “no big deal” to anyone else) I might say, “I think I responded that way because of my history with [blank], which is something I’m still working through and has nothing to do with you.” In recent years, I’ve gotten better at interrupting those trauma responses while they’re happening, which has helped me avoid conflict and miscommunication with partners, but that skill takes some time to develop. I like this technique because I can let the people I date know what’s up without getting deep into the specifics of my trauma, which is something I only do with people I know well and feel safe with.

Of course, that’s just my experience. Everyone is different, and it might take a while before you learn if/ when/ how to disclose your trauma. Your therapist might be able to help you come up with an initial strategy. You can always amend it if you need to.

Kayla: As Ro suggests, there aren’t a whole lot of hard, set rules about this kind of thing. A lot of it is going to come down to your comfort and preferences. I also do not have a cPTSD diagnosis, but I have had to navigate talking about past trauma and other stuff from my history with partners. I take a similar approach as Ro: I tend to address it when it comes up. I feel that when I leave things unaddressed, it can cause a lot of avoidable communication issues. That has been my approach in my current long-term relationship. But I did not feel a need to really talk about these things very much when I was casually dating prior to being in this relationship. You’re not obligated to disclose your diagnosis if you don’t want to, but if you DO want to talk about it with a date—casual or otherwise—then you should! In other words, don’t actively try to push something down just because you’re worried about how the date might take it or anything like that. Talk about it when you want to talk about it. Your agency and boundaries are important here.

Rachel: I agree with both Kayla and Ro, and also definitely hear you that this is new to you and you’re still figuring it out – I know it’s really hard to try to articulate things to others that you still aren’t sure how to fully articulate to yourself, especially when it’s vulnerable. I think a diagnosis can be really helpful and help you understand your experiences and needs and seek treatment and community; I’d also give you permission to think outside diagnostic criteria and allow yourself to incorporate it into an understanding of your needs and interior experiences as a person. If it’s helpful or liberating, feel free to explore thinking of yourself as a person with specific needs and experiences that are informed by treating COVID and your CPTSD, rather than only as a person with a diagnosis that other people will have to navigate. To the extent that you feel able to notice or name how your trauma impacts what you might need or be available for, you can name those and want them to be respected in the same way as all your other emotional or relational needs; you don’t need to talk about your diagnosis or what led to it any more than you want to. Oftentimes we can feel like our trauma stuff is a burden for new partners to navigate and we have to “confess” it all to them as a disclosure, or to justify what we ask of them; we don’t! You can share your history with new partners if that feels good to you; you can also say something like ‘I have a hard time addressing my feelings as they happen and might sometimes need space or to talk about something way after the fact; thanks for understanding.”

Q3:

CW: violent thoughts

Too dependent on therapist and bothered by my feeling that arose:

I had an awesome therapist who I saw for almost 3 years while a student. I told her things I had never told anyone, like my gender questioning, vaginismus, sex toy questions. I went through so many changes and a lot of growth while seeing her. One of the biggest things she did was encourage me to journal. I often shared my long entries with her. Her support helped me start writing and submitting writing to newspapers and zines.

She ended up leaving the practice I was at and moving to another practice. We sort of kept in touch. A little emailing and seeing her on social media. After seeing another therapist for six months, I decided that wasn’t working out, and I decided to return to her.

The first appointment was fine. But I started to realize things felt weird. Not super different from our previous relationship. But I just felt we had already been through too much together. Like I didn’t want to see her on social media or at yoga classes, but she kept popping up. I felt like I knew too much about her.

I have a very stressful relationship with my boss, and I get scared that therapists will get tired of dealing with that issue and give up on me. This person had been very supportive, but I was a tiny bit resentful she had not done more to help me at some very low points. When I brought up my boss again, I felt like I was struggling to get her to say anything beyond “you know how to deal with this.”

I felt really angry. In a way that I felt so ashamed of. I imagined seeing her in public and attacking her. Not like hurting her- but pushing her down and us punching each other. I think that I had gotten too dependent on her and had a small crush. I ended up ending things with her and I think I did it respectfully, but I felt anger at her in a way that I had never felt it before. She was one of the most important people in my life, and I think she is really smart and good at her job. I think I felt an intimacy with her that I had really never felt with anyone. It just scares me that I sometimes want to physically fight people. I definitely never would actually do that. But I think I just want someone to care enough about me to beat me up. I’m trying to figure out what to do with this feeling.

I have a new therapist now and we focus mainly on my job/schoolwork and that has been good. I feel like I have been through the hardest parts of coming out and don’t need to focus on that anymore like I did with my old therapist.

A:

Himani: The main advice I can offer you is to discuss this with your current therapist. It seems like there’s a lot to unpack here. What really stood out to me about your question was this line: “I think I just want someone to care enough about me to beat me up.” Based on that, it seems like you associate care/affection/love with physical violence and that may be an important thread for you to explore in therapy. Also, I don’t say this to make you feel bad, but I think you need to be fully honest with yourself about this. You say, “I imagined seeing her in public and attacking her. Not like hurting her” — attacking, pushing, punching someone — these are all things that will hurt another person, without a doubt, emotionally and physically. I think we all of us have unwelcome thoughts of different types and varying degrees and where we get into trouble is when we try to hide them or bury them or pretend they don’t exist because doing that, in a way, normalizes that way of thinking. The thoughts remain below the surface of our consciousness, and we get used to them living there, even if we don’t like them. Instead, I think you need to interrogate your feelings of extreme anger that led you to envision hurting someone else — and I think you should do it in the safe, controlled space of therapy.

Ro: First, I’m wondering if you and your former therapist have clear boundaries around public spaces. You said that you’re seeing her out and about all the time. I assume that means you live in a small community or have common interests that cause you to end up in the same places. That happens, but sometimes it can be really uncomfortable to see a therapist (whether that’s a current or former therapist) out in the world. So set some boundaries if you haven’t already. 

One of my former therapists and I have some similar interests, and while I was her client, she knew that we might see each other at local events. We decided that if that happened, she wouldn’t approach me, but I could say hello if I wanted to. We both agreed that we would not introduce each other to the people we were with. The same rules apply now, even though I’m no longer under her care. This makes me feel much more comfortable, and I don’t panic if I see my therapist “in the wild.”

The violent thoughts that you’re having don’t necessarily mean that you will or want to cause physical harm to others — they might be intrusive thoughts, or involuntary thoughts/ mental images that can be triggered by anxiety, OCD, PTSD, etc. Even if you have no intention of causing harm, I strongly suggest that you work through these thoughts with your new therapist. Even if you have no plans on acting on them, it sounds like they’re really distressing, and a therapist can give you tools to process those thoughts and your anger in general.

Q4:

Hi everyone. I had a degree of alopecia before the pandemic and after quite some time of being stable now my hair has gotten thinner over the past year and I’ve gotten pretty self conscious about it. I would really appreciate advice on how to deal with this with confidence? My hair is also one of my more distinctive features so wearing a wig doesn’t really seem to be a tenable thing either?

A:

Himani: So I don’t have alopecia, but I have had fairly thin hair all my life and many people have commented about it either obliquely or explicitly, in ways that have ranged from unwelcome curiosity to openly offensive. For me, as with so many things when it comes to body image, it’s been a lot of (on-going) work about accepting and truly loving the way I am and the way I look and reminding myself that having thick hair or not being able to see one’s scalp, etc etc are also just shitty beauty standards that are imposed on us. It was also really empowering to me to watch Ayanna Pressley’s coming out about her alopecia last year. Ultimately, I think it’s about finding things that feel comfortable to you. For me, this means keeping my hair fairly short because I like the way it looks; because of the pandemic that hasn’t been possible so with longer hair, I prefer to tie it up or wear a headband. I also think part of it is about actively working to expand your definition of beauty or what’s “normal.” During the pandemic, a friend of mine made the decision to shave her hair off and has said she loves being bald, loves the way she looks, the way her head feels, the way all of it makes her feel. Honestly Pressley says it best when she says, “I’m trying to get to a place where I give myself the space to be, to find joy in options.”

Ro: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It can take a long time to feel comfortable with an involuntary change in your appearance, but you can get there! I don’t have alopecia, but one of my closest friends was diagnosed with it several years ago. At first, she wore her hair up all the time so that people wouldn’t notice her bald spots. Once she felt comfortable wearing her hair down, people did notice, and some of them (the rude ones) asked questions. My friend usually tells rude strangers at bars that she lost her hair in a bear attack when she’s feeling feisty or she just tells them that she has a medical condition. Both of those answers usually shut them up. It also seems like a way that my friend can take her power back in the interaction. People usually feel pretty embarrassed when they realize they’ve asked a stranger an invasive question about their health.

If you decide that you’re open to trying wigs, those can be just as distinctive as your current hair/ hairstyle. My friend also has an array of wigs for different occasions, and some of them are simply wild (think: ‘80s hairstyles, bright colors). It seems like she has a lot of fun wearing these, and when her hair loss isn’t visible, she doesn’t have to worry about explaining it.

Kayla: I do not have alopecia, but I have grown up surrounded by the alopecia community because my sister has had alopecia universalis ever since she was two-years-old. The alopecia community is INCREDIBLE, and I would say that one of the best things you could do for your confidence right now is to try to connect with the community and meet other people who have alopecia. You can start with the NAAF website: www.naaf.org. A lot of the support groups and events are virtual right now because of the pandemic, but that makes it easier to access them no matter where you’re located! My sister always says that Instagram is a great place to connect with other people who have alopecia. You can search hashtags like #alopecia or #alopeciaareata or #baldisbeautiful. Everyone’s alopecia journey is different, but this community is sooooo kind and supportive of each other. Community can be really great when it comes to boosting confidence! Also, it’s just always nice to be able to talk to people who can personally relate to what you’re feeling. Some of the Instagram accounts my sister follows are @marisakimmel, @angelicasgalindez, @alopecia.gal, and @alopeachia.

Q5:

Hi lovely A+ folks! I’m newly married to my partner, and for the most part things have been idyllic. However, there is one topic that causes tension every 4-6 months, and I would like to figure out the best way to address it. I am currently a public school teacher, but come from a relatively privileged background Consequently, I have tried hard to be as supportive as possible to my partner, who holds multiple marginalized identities, by doing the bulk of the housework, paying off their car loans, paying for their community college expenses, etc. My partner has expressed gratitude for these actions, and is generally very appreciative and emotionally supportive. However, we occasionally have a disagreement and in moments where I feel under-appreciated I find myself saying, “Ok, do _____ yourself (book the vacation, make the dinner, etc)” My partner gets very upset because they feel like I am rubbing my actions in their face. I know that this is not the right way to express my feelings when I am triggered, but it has happened maybe 3-4 times in the past year. Do you have any suggestions for resolving these kinds of issues within a relationship? I truly love and care for my partner, and I genuinely want to support them as much as possible. I don’t know many people with this kind of relationship dynamic, so I would really appreciate any advice!

A:

Himani: This is very complicated, and honestly I think the main advice I would offer you is to seek out couples counseling so that you and your partner can discuss how you both think about division of finances and household labor; the ways in which that is tied to identity and privileges; and the conscious decisions both you and your partner are making around those connections. I admire that you are taking concrete actions in your relationship to acknowledge the differences between the privileges you and your partner have based on your identities. I’m wondering, though, if there’s a part of you (subconsciously or not) that is maybe taking a bit of “savior” mindset which is what brings out the “Ok, do ___ yourself” refrain in the heat of an argument.

Some of this might also be tackled in therapy work of your own to focus on mindfulness and taking a step back when you find you are getting upset or caught up in an argument. I know for me, personally, I can have a tendency to say things I don’t actually believe and really regret when I get really angry about something and I have to actively remind myself when I feel myself getting heated to take deep breaths and say, essentially, “I need to step away from this right now. Can we talk about it when I am feeling calmer?” I know therapy and couples counseling can both be prohibitively expensive and hard to find LGBTQ-friendly providers so on this point, specifically, you may just start by looking up mindfulness meditation, which I have found to be really helpful in teaching me some basic breathing strategies and strategies around being aware of my thoughts that I can use in day to day life.

I’ll also add that I’m a little uncertain about the extent to which you are taking over responsibilities in your relationship as an acknowledgement of your privileges. I can understand, for instance, about some of the financial divisions you describe, but it’s less clear to me that since you are the person from a more privileged background / who has a less marginalized identity that you should then be the one to book the vacation every time or take on all the chores. (And maybe that’s not how responsibilities are being shared in your relationship — I’m trying to read between the lines here.) Without knowing the details, it’s really hard for me to say one way or the other on that, but it is something that stood out to me. Regardless of whether you can afford / find good couples counseling or not, you may want to sit down and have an explicit conversation about the very first thing I wrote above with your partner.

Kayla: I guess I have some questions about these moments where you feel underappreciated. It’s never indicated anywhere in your letter that your partner is taking advantage of you, and it sounds like it is completely your choice to take on so much financial responsibility in the relationship. In these moments where you’re feeling underappreciated and then snap at your partner (which is not okay, but I know that you know that), are you actually being underappreciated? What’s the metric being used for appreciation here? You say that your partner is supportive and appreciative, so is it possible that you have, as Himani describes, a bit of a savior mindset here and are expecting MORE appreciation? And does that mean that the underlying reason why you do take on so much responsibility is because you want this appreciation? The fact that you have snapped in this specific way multiple times makes it sound like you are subconsciously resentful of your partner, and that is something that will take a whole lot of work to unpack. Or maybe it IS an instance of just saying something you don’t even believe/feel because you’re caught up in the frenetic energy of an argument. Although, I have to say, if it’s as recurring as you say it is, it sounds like you do believe it—at least on a subconscious level. I’m also a huge advocate of couples therapy and think it could help here. And couples therapy usually works best when both people are also in individual therapy. But that’s definitely expensive/not an option for everyone. I just think that you’re at a point now where this is a cycle: You take on these responsibilities but then hold it over your partner during arguments, which might make you feel guilty and then agree to again take on more responsibilities…but then hold it over your partner and, well, you see where I’m going here. Cycles and patterns in relationships are hard but not impossible to break. I’d start by asking yourself some questions about the motivation behind your choices in this relationship, about whether your choices are having an effect on the way you see your partner, about what you really want your relationship to look like. Start with yourself and then start having these conversations with your partner, who I’m sure feels a type of way about these arguments.

Q6:

Prefacing this with: this is obvs my own issue to process, without relying on other people’s labor. But maybe autostraddle has ideas for resources/links/books?

I’m most comfortable identifying as a cis woman; my partner (she/her) is a non binary lesbian. But we have very different understandings of what “woman” means: she sees it as something she never fit into, with fairly rigid boundaries. Woman to me is a more…coalitional? identity, something pretty expansive and that exists more as a binary foil to “man.” When she talks about why she ids as nonbinary, I feel really defensive because it feels like I’m being put in a box (I know I’m not!). How do I 1) decenter my own feelings when she’s trying to get support and work through things, and 2) better understand why we have such seemingly radically different understandings of what it means to be a woman?

A:

Himani: One of the things I personally find difficult with identity labels is that we sometimes use the same words to mean different things or different words to mean the same thing, and then we get caught up in those differences and lose sight of what we actually agree on. So my first thought is to start there — how do you and your partner understand and think about patriarchy and patriarchal systems and the way gender as a whole is imposed on people (not how people define their gender identities, but the way in which patriarchy enforces gender)? What are things you’d like to see change / how do you think change needs to come about so that people can live freely in their identities without that being conscribed by patriarchal structures? I’m guessing, based on what you’ve described, that you both share some commonalities there, while there will also be key differences in how you think about it, too.

The other thing for you to explore on your own / with cis friends / with a therapist is — what do you feel like you “lose” when someone defines being a “woman” in the way your partner does and, for that reason, eschews that label? I will be really honest and say that I sometimes find myself falling down this mental trap and when I explore the thought in myself, I find that it’s coming from a scarcity mindset which has a lot to do with my own shit (not even entirely related to gender) rather than anything else. It’s my work and your work to continue pushing ourselves on this. The truth is — no one is putting us in a box by saying that their experience of being labeled a “woman” was something rigid they could not identify with. What’s boxing us in is, again, the patriarchal structures built into society, and the people who fully buy into those.

Also, if you haven’t already read this, I highly recommend the roundtable facilitated by Ari a few years back, What It Means to Call Ourselves Non-Binary.

Q7:

There was an article you published or linked where someone was thinking through what it meant to claim a nonbinary identity but not a trans one? Am I remembering correctly? I cannot find this.

A:

Himani: Not sure if this is exactly what you’re referring to, but this article from Teen Vogue briefly discusses how some people identify as non-binary and not trans.

Nicole: And also, the above roundtable that Himani linked for Q6 is a great read in general, if you haven’t checked it out already!

Q8:

One of my colleagues’ kids has spent most of COVID transitioning, and she (my colleague) is talking a lot about how she is struggling with this in work contexts. I fully support this kid. My colleague has gone fully from Republican For Life to Never Trump to centrist Democrat, and she clearly needs spaces to talk about this in a productive way, as she keeps bringing it up in our work social hours. She’s still learning the concepts/basics from a parents network on facebook. Is there anything I can do to support her? Or her kid, for that matter??

A:

Ro: It sounds like your colleague already has some of the support she needs. She has an online community where people are answering her questions, and she has a work environment where she feels safe talking about her feelings. If it seems like she’s unloading too much at work (and it sounds like maybe she is?) or if the stuff she’s processing makes you or your other colleagues uncomfortable, then it’s totally ok to set boundaries around how often or in what way(s) you’re willing to talk about this. It can be really hard to hear someone share transphobic sentiments while they’re working through concepts that are new to them. It might also be a good idea to encourage her to see a therapist if she doesn’t have one already. Supporting your colleague in whatever ways make sense for you is probably the best way to support her kid. But if you already have a relationship with your colleague’s kid or if you know of specific resources for the trans community in your area, it might make sense to initiate a hangout with your colleague and her child or ask for some one-on-one time.

Q9:

Hi!

Well, for the last year I’ve been in my first sapphic relationship. It’s been a revelatory experience in many ways, but I’m now faced with an issue I never had before. My partner (we’re both cis women) is having some body image issues, centered around gaining weight. She’s never had that problem before and she’s taking it pretty rough. She changed the way she dresses, the way she talks about herself, and our intimacy really took a hit. I’m trying to be supportive, but internally I’m feeling kinda terrible about it. I’m much bigger than her (both in weight and height) and it does hurt to hear that her worst nightmare is basically looking more like me. I’ve struggled with my weight for so long and I finally got to a place where I accept and love myself, and now that confidence is really taking a hit. I don’t want to make this about myself because I rationally do understand that it has nothing to do with me, but on the inside it’s a different story. How do I handle this? I don’t know if I should bring it up and make her feel worse, or do I just find a way to deal with it myself! I don’t have a lot of queer friends irl and they’re all mutual friends, so I’m having trouble asking for advice from someone.

Thank you,

In Dire Need Of Some Queer Wisdom

A:

Himani: I think you need to have a conversation with your partner. You say that “I don’t want to make this about myself” but the thing is — the way in which we think about and see ourselves and the standards of beauty we hold ourselves to very much is about how we see other people and think (even if it’s subconscious thinking) about those who don’t meet those standards. Your partner may not realize this, but at a minimum, you need to tell her that the way she is talking about herself is making you feel really badly about yourself. It’s not your job to educate her on body image and the deeply problematic ways in which we as a society talk about/think about/approach body size, so beyond telling her how you’re feeling about it, I think you should also encourage her to read up on her own about fatphobia and maybe work with a therapist on some of this herself.

Most importantly — center yourself. You say this is your first relationship with a woman. I think now is a good time to think about how this relationship is making you feel. Do you want to be with someone who is saying the kinds of things your partner is saying with no self-awareness? Some of how you feel will also be determined by how your partner reacts to your sharing that hearing her talk about her body in the way she has been is really hurting you. But even if she takes it with grace and introspection, you’re fully within your rights to decide that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is in only just starting to do this work.

Ro: I love Himani’s advice. It sounds like you and your partner are at really different places in your body acceptance journeys. Your partner might catch up to where you’re at, but in the meantime, it’s totally ok to set some boundaries around when/ if/ how she shares her negative self-talk. And, like Himani said, it’s also totally ok if you decide that you only want to date people who have a similar degree of self-awareness and body acceptance. After I recovered from an eating disorder, I was only open to dating people who had healthy (or mostly healthy) relationships with food and their bodies. Anything other than that wouldn’t have felt safe for me. Honestly, those people were hard to come by, but that’s what I needed at the time. Now I feel so solid in my recovery that I can be with people who still have some body acceptance work to do, but it took me years to get here. Be honest with yourself about what you need right now.

Q10:

CW: references to suicidality, suicide attempts, death

Dear Autostraddle,

For the last six months, I’ve been dating a lovely person, C. They are caring, funny, intellectually curious, creative, affectionate–the whole shebang. Getting to know/falling in love with them has been a big bright spot through this ongoing worldwide shit show.

We each have been, like many people, dealing with some real tough stuff in recent months. C mentors queer teens and from July-December was increasingly consumed by a situation with M, a mentee they were close with and who began contacting them at all hours for mental health support, and threatening self-harm or reporting about it later. Despite C repeatedly contacting the parents about this and trying to set boundaries, the parents insisted they had it under control and not take much action or update C about it. Finally in December after a couple long and harrowing calls, M went to the hospital and then weeks of inpatient treatment. C told M they needed to not be in contact for a while, and is addressing their role in the dynamic and their symptoms of post-traumatic stress in therapy.

Meanwhile, I have now for a year been in trauma therapy to address memories of a past relationship. Last April some traumatic memories of his suicide attempts, him self-harming in front of me, and lashing out in ways that were borderline abusive began surfacing for me. Basically, I spend a lot of time thinking and creating and acting around addressing interpersonal harm and mental health emergencies—in some ways that are exhausting, some that are stressful, and some that are exciting.

Also, in the last three months, a relative I was close-ish to died (of regular health issues), and someone I sponsored out of an ICE camp and devoted a lot of very stressful time directly supporting and facilitating support for over the last year died of an overdose—intentionality unclear. And C feels mostly unable to hear about anything that’s about suicidality or self-harm, or sometimes even death. This hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that they know their needs/boundaries and are good at communicating them, and I understand why these topics would cause panic for them. But it was still hard when I was actively in crisis or immediate grief to exclude these things from our conversations, and it’s a new kind of hard when I am doing things I am excited about that I want to share with them and otherwise would (we sometimes have creative co-working, and I have read parts of their novel, and shared a few past poems), but can’t.

It’s hard not to feel sometimes like relating to these topics are some really huge things about my personal history, and my inner and outer world in this moment, and to feel hurt and frustrated and sad, or on occasion even like something is wrong with me for this being the case. Tonight I said that I felt like I shouldn’t keep reading C’s novel pages as they write them for the time being because we’d been talking about a page exchange and I didn’t want to resent not being able to share my writing. They received this well and reiterated their inability to engage with this kind of content, and that there’s nothing wrong with me and that their inability makes them feel guilty/sad. And through my own stress and grieving they have showed me care in other ways.

I love C and want to keep seeing them—and continue to nurture my friendships and find writing buddies, and when it’s safe see other people romantically as well. (Though for now C is 1 of 2 people I see indoors, the person I text/talk to most regularly, and the most reliable communicator and disciplined writer of people I’m close to.) But what do I do to manage these feelings of what it feels like I *should* be able to share with a close partner and the disappointment around not being able to—and stop them from festering towards C or turning inward to self-frustration/blame?

Thanks for making it to the end of this, and all youse do here <3

A:

Meg: I really appreciate your honesty in this message, and just want to extend my sympathy for all that you’ve been working through in the last few months. Dealing with traumatic memories and situations is difficult even in the best of times, and the isolation that Covid has forced us to live in can make a lot of these situations even more challenging.

With that being said, it sounds to me like C is doing their best to hold a boundary that they need to maintain. Self-harm, suicide, and loss are intensely personal struggles, and everyone has their own way of dealing with them. And while for you it may feel comfortable and even necessary to be able to share your feelings and growth as you process all that you’ve been through, it sounds like for C even the most casual discussion of these topics can be triggering and harmful.

Something that might be helpful for you to remember is that boundaries are not always permanent. I’m not suggesting that you constantly push against C’s boundaries – I hear that you are both trying to care for each other and yourselves in the best ways that you can, and that should continue to include honoring each other’s boundaries – but there is also a possibility that in the future, this may shift, and C may be able to hold more space for your writing as well as your processing. But in the meantime, I might suggest recognizing how challenging it may be for C to have set up and be enforcing this boundary, especially when they know that it’s causing feelings of frustration and guilt for both of you. This is a difficult situation, but in talking with you openly about the ways that they can and cannot be there for you, it sounds to me like they are actually trying to prioritize your relationship, and to make sure that it can continue in a way that is healthy for both of you.

I know it’s hard to not be able to rely on your partner for support in every area, especially around difficult and personal struggles – but I do think that there may be some other options available to you, ones that can help you process your grief and find what you need in other places. I’m so glad that you’re in trauma therapy, and it might be worth asking your therapist about group sessions, online support groups, or other places that you could connect with people that are going through what you are. I would also highly recommend making a more regular practice of speaking to other friends, either on the phone or with text or video chat – it’s not the same as being in person with people, but being intentional about sharing your struggles with other people that love you may help you feel less alone. And if C sees that you are not expecting them to carry the entire burden of support, they may eventually feel more comfortable talking about this topics with you, or even sharing some of their own struggles.

Sending you love – I know you can do this.

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