Dear Diary, today Ali wore a pink shirt and it was really pretty. Love, Spencer
Spencer is googl–I’m sorry, Binging. Bing-ing, searching on Bing to find the rat poison and reads that it is odorless and tasteless (thanks, Internet!) so it sounds like it’d be extra great for a murder. Ali texts Spencer, telling her to call her back ASAP. I’m glad Ali never stopped being high-maintenance. Staying true to her heart, that Alison.
Oh shit, whoa, you scared me there with your blazer from 1983.
Mona finds Paige in a dark alleyway and murders her — nah, just playing with you, she finds her and threatens her life, instead! Maybe. She tells her in no uncertain terms that unless Paige is with her, she’s against her, which means Paige is with Emily and Emily is with Alison. Don’t do something stupid, Paige! Please!
Over at the DiLaurentis’ Haunted House of Guilt and Regret and Backpeddling, Ali is Googling herself and finds a lot of hateful things. Turns out, people weren’t that sad about Ali being dead/missing. Ouch.
Never read the comments, Ali! NEVER.
Spencer stops her from overdosing on the hatemail and they bond about how intense their lives still are.
Ali tells Spence that the cause of Mrs. D’s death was that someone messed with her medical prescription and gave her enough blood pressure medicine to stop her heart.
She said we could still be friends!
Aria goes over to Ezra’s house to hang out and practice their crazed looks for awhile, and Ezra gives her advice on forgiving herself. LOLOLOLOLOL Ezra says he’s already forgiven himself because of course he has oh gosh stop the jokes.
Ezra, it’s offensive when you do that impression.
He catches her on the phone trying to make an anonymous donation for Shana’s funeral and tells her that’s not the way of forgiveness. They play checkers.
Strip checkers, y’all!
No but seriously.
STOP with the boom box, Paige. It’s overdone.
Paige visits Emily and warns her that when Ali returns to Rosewood, she should stay far away, because so many people hate Ali that she’ll be in danger. Emily’s like “pssh whatevs” but then there’s a rustling in her bushes and she runs inside and hopefully thinks twice about her life choices.
Hanna is at the mall trying on clothes.
via tumblr
Something weird goes down with a stranger outside her dressing room door but we can’t be sure.
whoooooo is that giiiirl IIIIII seeeeee staring straight baack at meeeeeee
Spencer calls and asks her about the doctor’s visit recording. Spencer’s weirded out because she was just with Ali and Ali didn’t mention it. Hanna gets annoyed about lying for Ali and tells her she’s sick of being the messenger and hangs up and shoplifts out her rage with a pretty cute dress.
Def not looking for my pills, yep, nothing to see here.
But back at the house of love, Spencer is making some dins for Andrew, but just like friend dinner not like a date it’s totally not a date okay? And she cuts herself. She looks into the cabinet and finds the exact same medication, Losartan, that killed Mrs. DiLaurentis.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE FROM ALL THE STRESS OF MURDER AMIRITE?
Ohhhhhh shit.
No, Aria, see, fisting is like reaching into the bottom of a Pringles can.
But let’s go back to Ezra’s house, where Aria and Ezra are playing a totally innocent game of gin. Aria asks if she can spend the night because her dad is out of town and apparently her mom is still not living in the US and everyone is super awkwarded out until she realizes that’s a strange thing to ask an ex. That’s like messaging your ex and being all, “Hey, just wondering how you’re doing?” and even though you think it’s harmless it’s not harmless, don’t do it. She leaves, thank goodness.
But like, wait, like what if the earth, like what if Earth was actually like alive, man, and like, wait, like what if we’re hurting it every time we even walk, like even if I put my foot down, like whooooaaaaaa.
Emily and Ali are hanging out at Ali’s place and Emily tries to delicately tell Ali not to go back to Rosewood High.
You told me that was water-based lube and now I have this yeast infection and it’s all your fault.
Ali accuses her of not being 100% committed to Sparkle Motion their friendship and says they’ll be fine if they just stick to the plan. I mean, friendship. Yeah, friendship.
Nah, we weren’t just talking about you being a potential murderer, Dad, don’t worry about it.
Aria stays over at Spencer’s house instead, which you may think is a good call, except Spencer admits that she’s preeeeetty sure her dad killed Mrs. D.
Alex and Ali taught me a lot at the A-Camp whiskey tasting, girls.
Mr. Hastings waltzes on in and casually mentions that Mrs. Hastings won’t be home for a few days because she snapped at the police and so she’s taking a few days at “the spa.” I’m not sure if “the spa” is actually a spa or a rehab center or a shallow grave, but it doesn’t sound like a good thing.
We tapdance on out of Rosewood while watching Ali scroll through her hate mail with a strange grin on her face.
AND YOUUUUU’VE GOT TIIIIIIIIIME
Even bad press is good press, right?
User craylittleliars on tumblr posted a pretty good summary of season 5 so far:
Everyone: ALI NO
Ali: ALI YES
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
Mr. Hastings put Mrs. Hastings in the SHU. I also think maybe Melissa Murder, Duhed Mrs. D? Or Ezra, because he’s still a skeezball? Why are they hinting that Aria and him are definitely getting back together? UGH.
Melissa or Ezra? Those both totally make sense in a strange and creeptastic way.
The dynamic between Sydney/Paige/Emily is a bit fascinating. I felt like this was a good episode for Emily. And that line about the monsters under the bed, oof. Oh, Spencer.
Sydney’s a bit of a wet blanket at the moment. I hope they develop her a little more if she does become an actual love interest/person we need to care about, you know?
Yeah, it’s hard to tell exactly where they’re going with her. I fear she’s going to be one of those characters that we get to know juuuust enough so that it means something if she dies in mysterious circumstances (incidentally that’s one thing I love about Buffy, like, “xyz got killed in the woods! This character that we’ve never seen before but is someone that we all know well!”)
I’m pretty sure she’s evil. Sydney I mean.
This was a great episode for Paige! She’s so strong now. She finally brought up how Ali hurt her to Emily. And the line to Mona about becoming what you feared. Awesome! And also I just have to say, she is looking HOT! <3
Those scenes with emily, sydney, paige was so weirdly normal for a town like rosewood. I was waiting for a time bomb or some kind of an explosion while they were laughing.
Uh Gee, i forgot to mention…..
Damn Paige! You’re killing me with your button down shirts and androgynous swagger!
I’m assuming Sydney is straight? Otherwise they may as well go ahead and classify the swim team as a team exclusively for obscenely attractive femme teen lesbians.
This is not how I remember high school. When I was a young queer it was a clusterfuck of awkwardness and confusion and bad wardrobe choices and trying to wear my hair in that pretty way all the other girls could.