Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour excuse for me to eat Annie’s macaroni and cheese and email with Intern Grace.

Last week Mona gayed out for Hanna by confessing to Wilden’s murder. Other than that it was pretty effing boring. Actually the last four episodes have been snoozeville without any Paige action. This week, thank goddess, Paige is finally back and she’s throwing a surprise birthday party for Emily! A high stress night where every teenager in Rosewood attends? What could possibly go wrong?!

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We open on the Rosewood police department where Mona is being interrogated for consistently dressing like a middle-aged country clubber who just killed her much older husband. Just kidding, we all know she’s being interrogated for confessing to Wilden’s murder. I have no clue if Mona is innocent or guilty, but at least she’s giving the police a good show.

Mona explains that she heard Wilden say he was nervous Garret would tell the truth about The Night Alison Saw Everyone And Did Everything And Died (Maybe). She tells the police she didn’t go to them because she thought she would get in trouble for sneaking out of Radley.

That’s right. Even if everything else is bullshit Mona owned up to at least one lie. For this reason I’d better just list this out as Shit Mona Confessed to the Police because otherwise we’ll never get through Mona’s confession and onto the Gay Stuff. And there really is gay stuff this episode. 

Shit Mona Confessed to the Police:

1. Mona shot Wilden two times in self defense
2. Wilden killed Garret
3. Wilden was trying to pin Alison’s murder on the Liars
4. Mona tried to blackmail Wilden
5. Mona confessed to keep Ashley out of prison

Of course, the police officer never asks what happened to Ali that Mona might know about. Who knows? Maybe Mona would have said that she and Ali were secretly carrying on a torrid vampire love affair.

Across town, Hanna and Spencer lie around amongst cardboard boxes and Pottery Barn couches waiting for news.

Laywer Mistress Hastings comes in and announces that some of what Mona has been saying contradicts the evidence and therefore everyone thinks she’s full of shit. Good thing none of the girls were involved in this. Oh wait. Of course Hanna was.

Spencer calls Aria to fill her in on the new details. To exactly no one’s surprise Sensei Hot Stuff stayed the night. Of course, he stayed on the couch because you wouldn’t want to upset the Ezaria fans. Or the Religious Right.

Aria tries to tell Sensei to GTFO but he just wants to get brunch and stare longingly into each other’s eyes and maybe adopt a cat or two. Oh god, another lesbian. Except this one is a lesbian chimp.

Elsewhere, Emily and Paige finally give their relationship a little TLC and, more importantly, a little screen time. Paige thinks Mona totally killed Wilden because Paige has that tendency to hop on whatever A of the week is most obviously just a misdirection.

Also Paige wants to plan Emily a birthday party! Did you know time passes on this show? Girls actually get older and have birthdays and everything! This is indeed a rare occasion!

Page also got Emily a classic lesbian birthday gift: something weird, overbearing, moderately invasive and borderline critical.

No it’s not an entirely new wardrobe, it’s a consulting session with one of the best swim trainers in the world. You know, even though Emily can’t really swim anymore.

C’mon Paige, you can do better than that. Would an overly sentimental and engraved promise ring have been too hard?

Paige wants Emily to take a year off to rehab and train so she can actually go to a college she wants to on a swim scholarship. It’s actually a pretty solid plan until Paige inserts herself into the plan. Ah, I see now, Paige wants Emily to follow her to the San Francisco Gay Area to frolic in the sunlight forever. Classic lesbian pre-college move.

Over at The Life Cafe, Sensei Hot Stuff orders Aria a large triple shot extra-hot half-caf soy mocha with whipped cream. It’s probably delicious. Unfortunately, Aria can’t focus on Sensei or her  large triple shot extra-hot half-caf soy mocha with whipped cream  because all she can do is stare at Maggie Mac and Ezra chatting in the corner.

Someone needs to put another coffee shop in this town, clearly everyone in Rosewood drinks coffee all the time. Ezra, of course, can’t focus on Maggie Mac telling him that she got accepted into grad school. All he can do is stare daggers at Sensei and plot his revenge.

Of course, he just about does a spit take when Maggie Mac tells him the grad program is at Wash U. Looks like she’s taking Malcolm across the country. She also got a new haircut but that doesn’t come up. This show is officially unrealistic.

Over at Rosewood Federal Correctional Facility, Ashley, Hanna and Mistress Layer Hastings hash out the recent events. Looks like Mona’s confession created enough doubt in the judge’s mind that they’ve set bail for Ashley to come home! Hooray! Unfortunately, they haven’t dropped the charges. Plus bail is set at ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

FYI I realized I didn’t know what bail actually was, so I looked it up. It’s like a deposit you give to the prosecutors so they know you will show up to trial. But usually you don’t have to pay all of it. Also, a million dollars is pretty typical for murder.

Starsweep across town to the most modern/ art deco olympic swimming training center of all time conveniently located in Rosewood, Pennsylvania.  Emily meets with Mr. Super Trainer at his super fly facility. There are girls in swimsuits mulling about and even though I disagree with the sexualization of women when their bodies are exposed for non-sexual reasons such as athletic competition: hawt.

Mr. Super Trainer: Let me tell you a little about how I run things. We work out six days per week. Four hours in the pool, one hour of weight training. I also monitor what you eat, drink and how much you sleep. Have I scared you yet?

I’m not scared but I feel like I could use this guy in my life. I sleep like 4 hours per night, I haven’t worked out in a year and I just ate a grape off the floor. Although I am generally creeped out by the overzealous man coaching teen girls trope.

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Starsweep to the neighborhood hiking grounds where Hanna takes an oddly located phone call with her father. She wants him to put up 10% of the ONE MILLION DOLLARS of her mother’s bail. That would be like $100,000 or like two years of med school! Based on Hanna’s crying her father just doesn’t want to front money.

Hanna is approached by exactly who you would want to see when crying about your imprisoned mother: her boyfriend/pastor, Ted! Pastor Ted explains that he left messages and can’t figure out why the hell Ashley didn’t call him back. I mean, he knows she’s in prison but still, that’s just rude.

Actually he’s really worried about Hanna and Ashley and says the kind of nice things that people say when they’re generally good people who are also involved in organized religion.

Hanna tells Pastor Ted that Caleb is selling his car to help raise money, because Caleb’s whole world is Hanna, but it won’t be nearly enough money! Maybe they should have a bake sale. Or a kissing booth. That’s what they always do on Glee.

Over at Ezra’s Love Studio he and Maggie Mac discuss her upcoming visit to Oregon. She needs to find an apartment and such. Ezra volunteers to take Malcolm. First for the weekend and then… for forever. You see he saw this show called The Fosters and learned all about good parenting. He figures he should be fine.

Maggie Mac basically says no fucking way bro, back the fuck off my kid.

Starsweep to Rosewood High where Spencer and Aria stalk the halls preying on unsuspecting young girls, luring them in to the lesbian lifestyle with their sweet kisses and– wait. I think that was my dream last night. Actually they’re just discussing how Mona is so totally out to screw them over in the long run.

Spencer: When has Mona ever done something out of the goodness of her heart?

Aria pulls out of her locker a picture of Emily and Paige. She just keeps a copy in there, you know, for private moments.

This time, though, Aria has a framed copy that she’s going to give to Emily for her birthday at Emily’s upcoming super double extra secret birthday party thrown by one Miss Paige McCullers.

The two turn the corner and see the one and only Jenna Marshall gaying out with Shana lezzie style in the courtyard.

Between hand holdings, promising to be together forever, and discussing in vitro options, the two also mention that Jenna feels like she should have “told the police about Ali.” Shana’s like, “But why?! Lying is working so well!” She’s wrong.

Starsweep to the Marin household where to trumpet flares Ashley returns home looking as glowing as the day she was born. Prison was good to her.

Ashley also has a great new accessory: an ankle monitor! Womp womp.

Back over at the Mega Gym, Emily and Mr. Super Trainer watch her recruitment video. Mr. Super Trainer is unimpressed. Emily might think she’s hot shit but he says she’s nothing but cold potato unless she starts training ASAP.

Emily points out she has to let her shoulder heal. Looks like Paige didn’t tell Mr. Super Trainer that part. He’s basically like, “Move the fuck on with your life because you are not going to be a champion swimmer by next year.”

Emily’s dreams are basically dashed. It’s sad.

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Teleport across town to Paige’s aunt’s lake house, where Aria and Spencer are in new outfits but having the same conversation. Blah blah blah Jenna, blah blah blah why is she so fishy blah blah blah shiny hair. Also TobAy is in New York tracking down some apartment which turns out to have a PO Box that redirects to Philly. I have no idea what they’re talking about which means this show is officially too confusing. Also isn’t this exact same story line happening on Twisted?

Paige shows up and is all frazzled that the Liars aren’t doing more to prep for Emily’s Surprise Super Sweet Eighteen.

Side note. When I was in high school this really cool popular gay guy in my class held a birthday party at the rollerskating rink for his 18th birthday and filmed it to cut together into a YouTube video. He called it his Super Sweet Skateen. I think that’s what Paige should have done for Emily. If she really cared about her at all.

Paige is in a pre-party panic that is so adorable I wish I could bottle it and use it as a perfume to attract girls at Dyke Night. To make matters worse, Spencer and Aria want Paige to invite Shana in hopes that she’ll drag Jenna along. Everyone wants a word with Jenna.

While Spencer plans her Jenna conversation, her mother has a very different conversation. Ezra has stopped by to ask for legal advice about Malcolm and Maggie Mac. No one explains how the hell Ezra knows Mistress Lawyer Hastings. Aren’t there other lawyers in town? It makes no sense — he’s just Spencer’s English teacher.

Unfortunately Mistress Lawyer Hastings says that Ezra doesn’t have much of a chance. He’s not on Malcolm’s birth certificate and he hasn’t been present in Malcolm’s life.

Back over at The Party, the house is filling up with rambunctious teens. Emily’s high school must be a lot like mine because it looks like she just got even more popular when she came out. Who are all these kids? Did Pam approve them!?

Everyone goes to hide, in preparation for Emily’s arrival, when Aria spots Sensei Hot Stuff with a cute blonde girl. I wish she had made a scene but instead she just hides and turns off the lights.

Emily walks in and is clearly pissed at Paige for not telling Mr. Super Trainer about her torn rotator cuff. She gives the best pissed-off-at-your-partner face ever.

Then everyone yells surprise.

Emily is not thrilled.

Emily makes polite small talk with her guests and terse faces at Paige until Aria finally comes to whisk Emily away. She fills her in about how they’ve co-opted her birthday as an excuse to track down and interrogate Jenna. Happy Birthday indeed.

Outside the party, Jenna and Shana sit in a super nice convertible. Jenna is pissed they even have to attend this po-dunk party, but Shana is really excited about the opportunity to hold hands and hang out with some other dykes. Also she thinks her swim coach is going to be there and so she has to go.

It’s annoying that Jenna is acting like a scared puppy dog about being blind again. She was so confident and, honestly, terrifying when she was blind before. There’s no reason she should suddenly need to clumsily hold onto Shana’s shoulder. She was self-sufficient and awesome once and she will be blind and self-sufficient again because, regardless of her sight, Jenna is a BAMF.

Inside the party Aria mopes around softly singing Taylor Swift songs to herself and staring at Sensei Hot Stuff and his hot hot date.

How dare he arrive with another girl after Aria made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in him.

In back of the lake house, Emily sulks on the dock. Emily is so good at sulking. Paige comes outside to see what is wrong, and you know before they even start talking this is gonna be a shitfest.

Emily asks her why she didn’t tell Mr. Super Trainer about her injury. Paige tries to claim she was just doing whatever it takes to get what is best for Emily. Paige is a martyr for love.

It’s clear that someone wrote this scene is intimate knowledge of the native language of the North American Lesbian.

Emily: Why are you pushing this so hard?
Paige: I know how badly you want to swim.
Emily: You mean how badly you want me to swim.

Paige admits she’s scared that if Emily doesn’t come to The San Francisco Gay Area with her she’ll find someone better hotter faster and stronger to finger bang. Four years is a long time and Emily could find her fingers inside all sorts of girls. I feel like I called this a few episodes ago.

Emily: We have to face the facts. We’re not going to be together next year.

Does she mean be in the same place or Be Together? I don’t know.

Back inside, Spencer and Aria confront Jenna. Jenna greets them both and I remember how Jenna always says Spencer’s name with just a hint of “you’re a cunt” and Aria’s name with just a hint of “I want to lick your cunt.” It’s perfect really. The Liars tell Shana she’s needed for a group picture outside. No one believes them.

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Elsewhere, Pastor Ted swings by the Marin household to grab some face time with Ashley. I don’t care about the grown-up story lines but you can imagine what it looks like. Ashley is embarrassed Ted is a nice guy. Etc.

Ashley invites Ted inside for some dessert and the two chat and eat outside. Meanwhile, Hanna suddenly gets a call from Mona inside. Mona basically says “I can’t chat. You owe me.” I guess the gist is that Mona knew that at least a false confession would get Ashley out on bail.

Hanna freaks a bit but, of course, doesn’t say anything. Meanwhile Ashley and Pastor Ted finish up their dessert. The two have more old people talk and Ashley explains how she knew Wilden and Pastor Ted explained how he bailed her out of jail. There’s a lot of feelings involved but, once again, I don’t care about any the parents except for Ella who’s still MIA on a Sex Romp in Europe.

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Back at the party, Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff finally have an interaction.

He’s like “Hey I thought you had plans with your family tonight.” Aria’s like “Hey I changed my mind and totally want to kiss with our faces now or better yet at least have you not kiss the other girl with your face.”

Except instead of saying that with words Aria just makes a pouty face and says some other bullshit about how the two of them aren’t dating. She tries to make this less awkward by sipping her drink a lot. She isn’t successful.

Back out on the dock of lost love, Paige tries to convince Emily to at least stop sulking long enough to see the people who came to her party. This is actually good advice. You should always have your girl fights on your own time.

Back inside, Jenna really wants to leave but Shana thinks she needs to see some imaginary coach first. Girlfriend A wants to stay, girlfriend B wants to leave. It’s classic girlfriend drama– they must really be together.

Aria confronts Jenna and asks her for the billionth time what she knows about Alison. For the billionth time Jenna says to fuck off. If I have to watch this conversation one more time I’m going to die. Death by repetition.

Just then, Paige rolls in the cake. I say “rolls in” because Paige has somehow procured a neat-o cake cart. Guys feel free to keep this in mind for me to Chanukah.

The cake is cut and amongst the hububaloo Spencer goes missing. Aria and Emily go to look for her outside when they spot her… floating face down in the water.

Except it’s not Spencer. It’s Jenna.

I swear this is where the episode would normally end. Right? Like with a dead cut to the credits? Instead we’re treated to Jenna being rushed off in an ambulance in our classic Pretty Little Liars Police/Ambulance/Blanket scene. I think this is the 4th time maybe?

An anxious Shana freaks the fuck out. She, of course, thinks the Liars did this.

The Liars call up Hanna and fill her in about Jenna just in time for Ashley to come in and fill her in about Ted. Hanna sure has been out of the loop a lot tonight. Did she just spend the entire evening on Tumblr?

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Later, Paige cleans up while Emily processes all her feelings. Emily suggests that someone knocked out Jenna before throwing her in the water. Paige is not so sure. If it turns out that Paige is in on this I swear I will be done with PLL forever.

Later, when the two of them are crawling into bed lezzie style they skip the obvious opportunity for a high school lesbian sex scene and Emily just lies in bed with her eyes open. Come on Emily! You should have taken that opportunity for all of us!

Meanwhile at other hotbed of feelings Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff do yet another “Eeep Protect Me” slumber party. Aria tells Sensei that she feels safe with him. She also says that she basically feels like she can’t suck anyone else into her black hole of a life.

I’m not saying I totally relate to having a nonstop series of murders and harassment take place around you, I’m just saying I literally said that to my BFF two days ago. Sometimes it’s really hard to let someone in when you think you’re a swirling black hole of chaos. The truth is all you need to do is find an order muppet.

At the hospital, Spencer wants to know if Shana knows who the fuck tried to drown Jenna. Shana wants to know if Spencer knows who the fuck tried to drown Jenna. No one wants to be friends or thinks this is an accident. Spencer asks for the bajillionth kamillionth time if Shana knows anything about Alison.

She doesn’t, because Jenna isn’t scared of Alison, she’s scared of Cece. Probably because Cece acted kind of like a homophobe.

On the other side of town, at a very different hospital, Mona checks back into the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. I love how Radley functions like a goddamn yacht club you can just check in and out of at will. They even give her her very same room back.

Meanwhile Red Coat skips on over to the DeLaurentis house and sneaks under the porch.

In the final sneaky A scene, A plays a piano and leaves some sheet music for TobAy. Ew, does this mean he’s going to be in the next episode? Maybe I’ll skip it if it means a break from his caveman face. Just kidding! I’ll always be here for you guys even if we have to make up the gay content ourselves.

That about does it for this week. Tune in next week when Pastor Ted will anonymously donate the money for Paige, Emily and Caleb to all attend A-Camp in October!

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