Welcome to the third season finale of Pretty Little Liars! Did we ever think we’d come so far? I didn’t, and with good reason! Look at this sample of classic abcFamily TV shows canceled before a third season!

But not these Liars! They’re going the distance with a complete third season and more to come. What’s the secret? Well if I had to guess I’d say “lesbians.” Either way, abcFamily celebrated this victory by creating a scene by scene replication of the pilot episode! We’ll explore that later, but first let’s jump right into the thick of it!

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We open on Hanna, Emily and Aria sitting in the Hastings’ kitchen waiting for SpAncer to grace them with her royal, uptight, crazy-face presence. Hanna, having just purchased a necklace of paint swatches, muses that maybe, just maybe, the body found last episode isn’t TobAy. We, of course, already know it isn’t TobAy’s body because we saw the tattoo rub off last episode. Plus, the only people who die on Pretty Little Liars are those about to revele deep secretes to the Liars.

Emily is taking TobAy’s loss particularly hard, as he was modeling for a full sized diorama installation depicting the earliest human settlers that she was creating for the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University. This was going to be Emily’s big ticket into college! Oh well, back to swimming and scissoring her way through life.

SpAncer takes that moment to walk down the stairs all cryptic-like, doing her best impersonation of the big reveal from She’s All That. Plus we get our first dose of the pilot episode coming back to haunt us!

The she answers some really important questions that have been plaguing us all season!

SpAncer gives a longwinded monologue about not wanting to be a victim and Radley and not being strong and seeing TobAy and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah sad sad sad TobAy TobAy TobAy.

The end-game is that SpAncer’s parents invited everyone to a good old fashion Look We Swear Our Kid Isn’t Crazy Party! I know something’s up with this party though, because the soundtrack is playing the scary music, and I’m always up for letting the TV soundtrack tell me how to feel.

Starsweep to the A-Mobile where A reminds us once again the only thing you need for hacking is a black hoodie and some study leather gloves.

A grabs a phone number off of a laptop, 251-469-3561 and sends it to her iPhone just as MonA walks in.

MonA has graduated from black hoodie to chic black tee shirt and is using her classic “Scary A Voice.” Is it wrong that I miss Season One Trying Too Hard Mona? I loved her. MonA sits looks at SpAncer’s party invite and tells the other A that she’s likes her plan.

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The next day at school, the Liars discover that Ezra has posted up a wanted ad for a babysitter. He and Aria are technically still together and while dating a student was kind of hot, dating the babysitter is just too cliché.

The Liars canvass about who the hell picked Malcolm up from school, even though we know it was SpAncer. It was approximately exactly like when your friend in the closet has a conversation with a straight girl about boys and you just stand there wide eyed and uncomfortable. Hanna really wants to hit Malcolm up for details, and needs an extra $10/hr, so Hanna grabs the sheet. She’ll just have Malcolm draw her a picture of who picked him up.

Just then, out of the blue, Shana shows up at Rosewood to practice with her swim team or maybe to suck Emily’s face. Who knows! Looks like Shana is swimming versus Emily in a swim meet later in the week.

I didn’t even know Shana was in high school! Rosewood truly does have an abundance of hot high school lesbians. And they all like it slippery and wet!

Emily: Hey! What are you doing here?
Shana: Our coach arranged for us to practice here this morning. But I say if it’s water it’s wet right?

Shana and Spencer have a bizarre and potentially flirtatious interaction that is never explained and probably never will be except for in the elaborate slash fic I’m writing entitled Hastily Seeking Hastings.

As for Hanna, well she isn’t too keen on Shana due to her massive Straight Girl Problems. Why does she hate Shana?

Even Emily is unimpressed to see Shana, which is sort of weird since she just introduced Emily to Missy Franklin like two episodes ago. Plus they were texting flirty style last episode. I think maybe this is one of those things where Shana is the dyke that you and your friends all know starts drama and you all pretend to be uninterested except secretly you all seriously want on.

Aria runs into Ezra in the halls where he’s just finished having a job interview or something. The two do an awkward hallway walk which is highly reminiscent of Season One. In a bad way. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about this happening anymore, because Fitz tells Aria that he probably won’t get the job anyways.

Elsewhere, at She and TobAy’s house, Jenna talks on the phone while a mysterious A figure stalks outside. We haven’t seen Jenna in a while have we. I kind of forgot she existed.

Jenna You said you were going to make it all go away. I’m worried! Now the police have evidence! Look, I need to see you today.

Outside Jenna’s, A texts the number they downloaded. Just as A sends the text, Jenna receives one and says she’s gotta go. I think the biggest plot hole in Pretty Little Liars is A’s ability to text with leather gloves on. That’s just not science. I understand there is plenty to complain about with my very favorite show, and I let a lot slide. But this?! This is impossible.

Starsweep across the neighborhood, where Aria, sportting some hot new after-sex hair, is doing her homework. Papa Crazy shows up to do his daily freak-out enraged that Ezra is going to take a job at the high school.

Aria’s all, “No no no [eye-roll] he didn’t get the job. Duhhhh.” Except, according to Byron, actually he did and he’s taking the day to think about it.

Speaking of Ezra, he and Hanna meet to discuss the exciting world of babysitting. Hanna’s only experience with babysitting was the time she and Caleb rented Babysitter Sluts 7, which, for the record, Caleb made them turn off because it was heterosexist and oppressive to women. Still, Hanna is completely unable to not sound like a porn star during this entire encounter.

Swarsweep to some woods and a picnic table which we haven’t seen since last year’s season finale. Last year at this spot Jenna gave someone a package and told them, “They’re all going to be at the party. You know what you need to do.” This time, Jenna meets up with this same someone someone and tells them literally the exact same thing. Literally.

The only difference is that Jenna is being awful…romantic? Yup, Jenna’s got a new someone in her life. Which is awesome when it turns out to be Shana. Yup. Talkin’ bout some Grrl Sexxxx. What will we call them? Shanenna? Jenana?

Shana also asks about Jenna’s eyesight which is apparently rapidly going. I want to care about that but all I can think about is how long Jenna’s been into girls. This does sort of explain the sex eyes Jenna kept giving Emily in that Halloween flashback episode.

Elsewhere, Ezra and Aria meet up on a park bench outside Rosewood’s one strip of shops. Aria confronts him about the job and he admits he got it but wasn’t going to take it because then they’d have to break up. I’d like to point out that it is just as inappropriate to teach at a high school that your ex-girlfriend attends as it is to teach at a high school that your current girlfriend attends. The key element here isn’t “current” versus “ex.” It’s “high school.” Ezra is just totally totally totally not ready to make any choices that don’t include Aria. Welp, that’s what happens when you change all of your life plans for someone in the first place.

I get that their breakup is supposed to be circumstantial, but I like a breakup with a little more umph. Like giving your phone number to your girlfriend’s friend. Or finding out that your fiance kissed your sister. Or the sudden realization that your boyfriend of a year has been secretly working with the bad guys who are ruining your life. This feels a bit weak.

Starsweep to A’s favorite diner where it’s snack time. A flips through some sexy pics of Jenna from earlier. The leather glove thing still bugs the hell out of me.

TobAy walks in and the waitress I.Ds him as “pretty eyes.” In case you haven’t also spent the last four hours following the trail of clues, that’s what the same waitress called A when they blackmailed Dr. Sullivan at the diner. We already knew TobAy was the one who got Dr. Sullivan to come back at the end of Season Two, so it makes sense that he was the one blackmailing her in the first place. This also means TobAy has been on the A team since at least the middle of the second season. That’s 36 whole episodes!

TobAy walks over to meet A at a table and which A is there? SpAncer!

That’s right, Spencer did the big confrontation thing with TobAy. He’s totally alive and claiming he did all the A shit for her. SpAncer says she got his phone number from MonA’s A-Mobile which means that the text to Jenna could just be coincidental. That being said, the internet told me that it was the same phone number that MonA receives from Ali/Vivian Darkbloom in that flashback where she wants to get popular. So potentially this is just a the number for a phone used by the A-Team.

SpAncer: You let me believe you were dead?
TobAy: Everything I’ve done so I could protect you
SpAncer: I want to believe that
Lizz: I want to vomit

So logically TobAy and SpAncer run off to a motel together.

At the motel room TobAy and SpAncer have all the feelings. Mostly TobAy just gives more, “Wah wah wah I did it for you” and squeezes out few tears. I’ll spare you the details. I think he’s totally faking and we all know it. If he’s not faking it’s just because the writers bended to the Spoby shippers. Also SpAncer’s hair looks bad for the first time ever, which I think is a sign that something is afoot.

Starsweep across town to Ezra’s Annex where Hanna babysits for Malcolm and tries to get him to pin the Alison on the picture. Hanna scans through all her pictures but Malcolm is only able to identify “that girl my mom calls Jail Bait.”

Hanna leaves Malcolm with her cell phone in order to be the only high school student in the country to use the landline to call their friend. Hanna calls up Emily to report her non-findings. Just as she does Emily, who is out for a run, spots Melissa knocking on Jenna’s door.

Emily tells Hanna she’ll call her back. And does some window snooping. Why don’t these girls ever give each other details? Like, “Oh shit Melissa is outside of Jenna’s house banging on the door. I’m going to spy through the window and probably see some lezzie action between Jenna and Shana while I’m at it. I’m sending you a picture of it.” Not telling their friends what’s up is how the Liars get into trouble!

Jenna: I don’t understand they have the tapes and–
Melissa: I do understand but those bitches are going to be at the Lodge at nine. Do you understand?

My initial inclination was to be like “Oh shit they’re all on the A team! But I don’t think they are. They’re on whatever team Garret and Ian were on before they died. And probably Cece too. The B-Team. I guess technically that would be the NAT Club. I’d also like to point out that the initials of “Not A Team” is NAT. I think I just solved Pretty Little Liars

Having hung up the phone with Emily, Hanna makes Malcolm a snack because babysitting is 90% snack prep. Malcolm continues to play with her phone while Hanna does some fat shaming and lightly monologues about her eating disorder. It was a bad moment.

A picture text of Alison and Spencer pops up and Malcolm declares to have found A! Hanna is totally confused, thinking Malcolm is talking about Alison. I was really hoping it would be Alison too, but SpAncer fessed up to TobAy. It was about as surprising as when the Titanic crashes.

Suddensweep to Hanna’s where she, Emily and Aria freak out and dish over the whole situation. Everyone processes SpAncer’s behavior in their own way. These ways are surprisingly consistent with their personality throughout the show. Aria immediately jumps on board with whoever is indicated as A:

Emily is moderately naive and doesn’t want to believe anyone close to them would betray them:

And Hanna said something hilarious and off topic:

Hanna turns up some music because, hey, these kids just really wanna dance. Don’t we all? JK it’s actually just the first smart thing anyone’s done all episode/season to keep A from hearing them as they hatch a plan to figure out what’s what with SpAncer.

In case you’re wondering what SpAncer is doing during all that, she and TobAy are having a continuous one minute and 32 second sex scene in which the camera alternates between a gyrating SpAncer and the weird blue motel sign. We get it. They’re doing it in a motel. Why do TobAy and SpAncer always get such long graphic romantic sex scenes when Paige hasn’t even made an appearance this episode. Unless you count all Caleb’s feelings, literally the only lesbosexy thing we’ve seen since Episode 320 was Jenna and Shana linking fingers.

The next morning it’s swim meet day at Rosewood High!

Aria and Ezra meet at school to have a lot of feelings but ultimately break up.

I sort of thought they were already broken up. Is this their third break-up in as many days? It’s actually pretty cool because they totally mimic their stairwell scene from the pilot.

Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll be back together next season.

Wait. Seven months? That makes it November? Shouldn’t they be applying to colleges? Shouldn’t there be snow on the ground? This season started labor day weekend. Does that mean it’s only been like three months since this season started? We better see snow falling next season.

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Later, the Sharks and the Red Devils finally have that swim meet. SpAncer shows up because even though she’s bad now she still has a fuck-ton of school spirit. I mean, college recruiters definitely pick up on these things.

SpAncer spots Red Coat, but due to the official rules of school sporting events, everyone is wearing red coats. Spencer follows Red Coat best she can through the school finally finding herself in the good old fashioned women’s bathroom. Red Coat turns around and it’s… Hanna?

But then the other Liars pop out and it’s just a scam.

The Liars should be mad but they’re not because BFF really does stand for Best Friends FOREVER. Even when your friend openly turns on you. It doesn’t matter though because SpAncer reveals that she’s actually just a double agent for the Liars. Well, SpAncer was short lived, I just she’s just back to being Spencer now. Smiles for everyone!

Except Emily who looks stoned.

Shouldn’t Emily be swimming in the swim meet that’s going on right now? Shouldn’t Paige be at this swim meet too instead of out of town on her magical mystery vacation? Spencer also tells them that TobAy is alive and I think Emily almost shits her pants. She is so fucking weird about TobAy. Like so fucking weird.

Spencer reveals that the whole party is a set-up, duh, and that Red Coat just wants to get the whole gang together for a riveting game of Truth or Dare. They all revel in the idea that they are one step ahead of Red Coat, so you know they must be one step behind.

The next morning in school, Ezra is once again the Liar’s teacher and they are once again totally awkward and stressed about it.

Ezra: “All things truly wicked start from innocence.”

Also Spencer’s shoulders look great.

Later, the Liars prep for their faux big party in very real very expensive looking dresses. Emily debates throwing red paint on Aria’s fur jacket while the three chat. They are, of course, being filmed. At this point it’s safe to say the Liars are always being filmed.

At The Party Lodge, Spencer and TobAy make out a bunch.

MonA and I have similar feelings on the issue.
MonA chats up Red Coat on her cell phone and is all, “You’re getting what you always wanted,” and “It’s all over,” “You can land your fancy plane now,” and “I have that vibrating underwear you wanted,” “Where do we keep the good rice vinegar?” Typical stuff. What MonA doesn’t know is that the other three Liars have changed into their Spy Kids clothing and are making their way into the building from the back.

To avoid MonA, TobAy acts like he’s going to take Spencer out back and slay her. He and Spencer go outside just as Red Coat’s plane is landing. I can’t even believe Red Coat travels by plane. That’s so bad for the environment. TobAy reminds Spencer that their goal is for her to see Red Coat’s face and the two part ways.

Red Coat departs the plan and Spencer does her best sneak attack. Finally seeing her face, Spencer thinks Red Coat is Ali. Of course, Rosewood is filled with blondes and Spencer is at a distance so at this point it could still potentially be someone else.

MonA preps for the big showdown, but is quickly confronted by the three musketeers.

What all four of them don’t know is that someone just locked them in and set The Party Lodge on fire!

House fires really scares me and is the main reoccurring theme in most of my nightmares. I’m fine with campfires. Actually I make a great campfire myself– we can totally go camping sometime if you want. Wait. I’m getting distracted. Where was I? Right. With all the smoke in the building the girls freak out.

In the hullabaloo MonA accidentally reveals that even she doesn’t know who Red Coat is!

As for TobAy, he goes off strolling around in the dark trying to I.D. other woodland dwellers, but all that ends up happening is he gets knocked unconscious and a lighter placed in his hand. I guess whoever started the fire wanted to frame TobAy. That would have been my move too. Minus the starting a house fire part what with my previously mentioned tremendous fear.

Fortunately no one dies because someone drags the Liars out of the house. Wouldn’t that have been kind of a funny twist if they had died though? Like the fourth season is just us watching Shana, Jenna and Melissa run around town? Maybe Paige would get some screen time.

Hanna wakes up first and sees Red Coat’s face staring back at her. It’s Alison!

MonA runs over to the Liars like she’s just spotted a 30% off sale at J.Crew and announces that she too saw Ali! Now it’s a trifecta of Ali spotters. No one believes MonA, because she’s the fucking bad guy, but Hanna agrees.
Spencer finally hears the fire commotion, runs over to see whats going on and seals the deal on the Ali is Red Coat trifecta. Okay one more time for SQL purposes: Alison is Red Coat. I was right? You were right? We were all right? Everyone was right.

Also. Three people spotting her? Clearly Red Coat/Alison wanted it this way. Just sayin’.

The Liars and MonA ride home together in the same car. I couldn’t possibly say why, since they probably took three cars up between them. Watching MonA sit bitch in the back seat while the Liars grill her is pretty hilarious though. It oddly reminds me of the shawarma scene at the end of The Avengers in that it feels like the part they’re not supposed to show us. You’re not supposed to see the part where the superheroes stop for lunch or where James Bond stops to take a piss or when the Liars have to suffer through a long and totally awkward car ride home.

In a lot of ways, this scene gives us the most raw, real and totally unhinged MonA yet. MonA tells the Liars she made a deal with Red Coat at Radley in order to get a way in and out. This seems patently false, since when Red Coat first confronted MonA, MonA said, “I did everything you asked me to.”

MonA: At first it was fun having a partner, but then the game changed. She stole you from me.

As the Liars reenter Rosewood they drive by the church. Outside is Wilden’s cop car, covered in the set dressings from the Broadway version of The Little Mermaid, pulled up out of the lake.

The front seat laptop is still showing the video of Ashley Marin, which is surprising given it’s been submerged for like a week. The big difference is that now the computer is showing Jenna and Shana helping Wilden off the ground and taking him away. Awww. A couple that plots together stays together.

Then, just to make it a season finale, they all get a mysterious text from A, pop the trunk of the car and gasp at what they see.

My guess? It’s a trunk full of the tapes that Jenna was scared the Liars would get. If it’s a dead body I think it’s Cece or Jason. Or Maya. If I’ve learned anything from this show it’s that it could always be Maya’s dead body.

Our final cut scene in a flashback where a hand reaches through the dirt just like in the Halloween Train Episode and that episode of True Blood and maybe also in Buffy? Except this time someone reaches in, grabs her hand, and pulls her out.

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