This week on Pretty Little Liars Paige and Emily get some major jealousy time followed by some major smooching time. Plus we watch as the show pays homage to — or maybe just completely rips off — a thoroughly mediocre ’90s thriller.

We pick up the same night we left off just hours after Jason bolted from the hospital. The Liars gather after-hours at the Life Cafe for one of their trusty circle jerks where they try to put all the A pieces together.

THE GAME IS CALLED GO FISH. ACES ARE HIGH, TWOS AND RED THREES ARE WILD. NO LIMIT.

Too bad each of them always holds enough back to keep them from getting to the truth. Like how Spencer still hasn’t told the other Liars that TobAy is on the A team. Seriously Spencer, lock it the fuck up.

NO. I DEFINITELY NEVER TRIED ANAL. WHY, HAVE YOU?

Detective Wilden busts in and claims Jason’s been making up dirty dirty rumors about him. The worst kind of rumors too — the kind that are true. Wilden is totally annoying because he’s the sort of character writers bring in when they’re temporarily out of bad guys. The useless type.

DID SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE?

Aria heads back to her house to find that Wesleywolf has bolted. Remember, he was supposed to sleep over until he accidentally fell onto Aria’s lips.

ALL I HAVE NOW IS THIS BOOK AND A FUR COVERED COUCH

The next morning, Ashley and Hanna walk to work/school/yogalattes. The two discuss all those TV mother/daughter things like their feelings about other people’s babies and whether asparagus makes your pee smell.

YOU SEE HANNA MEN REALLY DO WANT A LADY IN THE STREET BUT A FREAK IN THE BED. THEY REALY DO.

It’s here that they see Detective Wilden shove Cece into his car. Ashely isn’t completely blind so she notices when Hanna freaks out. She tries to get Hanna to explain why she knows that much older girl, but “All my friends sleep with much older men” doesn’t seem to be a good explanation. Hanna fesses up that she and her friends think Wilden knocked up Ali, but doesn’t give the full explanation. This is what drives me nuts. Why lie when there’s no reason not to tell the whole truth? Exposing that Cece filled them in and then Emily found a picture doesn’t expose any secrets or even make Hanna look suspicious.

LOOK, MY STUPID DIVA CUP IS LEAKING. CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO HOME SO I CAN GET SOME OB TAMPONS?

At the Hastings’ residence, Melissa is still in town! With a fancy new haircut that is super becoming on her. Well, if I were on her I’d be…. you know the rest. Melissa tells Spencer to get out of bed and go to school or else she’s going to have to tell on her to Mom and Pop Hastings. No one wants to make Papa Hastings mad. He only gets like twelve total minutes of screen time per season and it’s a shame to let him spend it all shouting when he could be hiring private investigators or burning evidence.

EVER SINCE YOU GOT THAT SUBSCRIPTION TO CRASHPAD YOU NEVER GET OUT OF BED

At school, Emily is looking fresh to death in a plaid shirt with some sort of combo leather/denim jacket on top. Drool. Hanna fills her in on the dramarama of Cece getting shipped off in Wilden’s police car of doom.

HE WAS GIVING HER THE LONG ARM OF JUSTICE. SO TO SPEAK.

Without explaining anything about his Houdini move, Emily says that Jason texted her. He’s laying low in a farm up in the country. Everyone who has ever had a pet gerbil knows that means he’s dead. Either way, Hanna wants to do a little sleuthing and proposes the idea that maybe they should talk to that costume girl. The two decide to hit Paige up for more info after school. I’d rather Emily hit her up for something else after school. Heyooo.

I JUST THINK IF I’M GOING TO BE A PROFESSIONAL LESBIAN I REALLY SHOULD START GETTING MY COFFEE IN A REUSABLE TO-GO MUG.

Hanna reveals to Emily about the dice on the collection box dollars and how Caleb’s dad maybe thieving them and all that good stuff. Unless Caleb’s dad ends up being Mona’s secert older boyfriend, this plot line bores me.

WELL I HOPE THEY WERE PRO-GAY RIGHTS.

After school, Aria is still doing that thing where she shows up at Ezra’s Annex unannounced. She’s on the phone with Wesleywolf telling him they need to talk about their big lipsmack when she realizes someone else is in the apartment.

ARIA’S HAIR LOOKS 100% LIKE AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE MULLET HERE

Who does she find? Wesleywolf? Nope! It’s Ezra.

IT IS I! EZRAMAN! DEFENDER OF DEAD WHITE AUTHORS AND PROTECTOR OF OLDER MEN WHO LIKE BANGING YOUNGER GIRLS

Aria wants to know why he hasn’t called or texted or gchatted her in weeks. Ezra apologize for shutting Aria out, probably because he’s a person over 25 who has ever been in a relationship. He’s super excited to be back and double plus extra in love with Aria which makes her feel soooo bad for kissing all up on his brother. I mean who does that? Just goes around kissing every werewolf who reads poetry to you in your bedroom. Anyways Ezra wants to discuss his whole big new fatherhood life over dinner.

JUST TO CLARIFY, YOU DIDN’T ACCIDENTALLY KISS MY BROTHER OR ANYTHING, RIGHT?

Starsweep to Rosewood High where Spencer is hiding out in Ella’s classroom of literature and love.

THIS IS MY HOME NOW

Enter Ella who’s wearing a black jacket she probably stole from her own daughter. Spencer admits to Ella that “things have changed.” I mean, she was half a virgin when she met TobAy!

WELL JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU EVER WANT TO SPEND TIME IN THIS ROOM WRITING ADJECTIVES ON THE BOARD OR SOMETHING

Outside the school, Hanna and Emily run into Paige. She’s getting into her sweet ride for a mission and doesn’t even ask if Emily wants to come along for some road head.

SEES THE REAL L WORD FOR THE FIRST TIME

Ridiculous. Everyone who’s ever been a high school lesbian knows that you’re supposed to invite your girlfriend to do every last thing with you. Emily wants to know how Paige could dare to do something without her. Paige claims she’s on her way to get even more little elf braids put into her hair.

EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE BRAIDS JUST APPEAR BY MAGIC

Just kidding! They’re all going to the costume store is Paige’s sweet Toyota Matrix.

SHOULD REALLY BE A SUBARU

Back inside, Spencer rushes into the bathroom trying to hide. Aria, having just been hit by a huge gust of air just as she was putting gel in, spots her and follows her in. Spencer refuses to talk to Aria and hides out in the bathroom stall like a child. Spencer: grow the fuck up.

MARINA AND JENNY

At the costume shop, it becomes apparent instantly that something fishy is going on between Paige and that biddie Shana. Like sexy fishy. Wait, I mean sexy fishy like there’s history there, not like a bacterial infection or anything. Geez why do you guys always go there?

OH. SO NOW YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHERE THE FRENCH TICKLERS ARE. I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE.

I hope Paige kissed her on the face as part of some bizarre misguided attempt to get information out of her. Paige is such a sucker for bizarre misguided attempts at stuff. Also how does Rosewood have more lesbians than the entire city of Providence? How is that even statistically possible?

JUST RECEIVED THE FRENCH PART OF THE AFOREMENTIONED FRENCH TICKLER

AND THERE’S THE TICKLER

Paige was hoping to wrangle some good info out of Shana, but her lips are now officially closed for business. Apparently all costume documents and transactions are super confidential and for trained costume employees only. I’m curious why no one has tapped the potential for a really good threesome here.

AS YOU MAY REMEMBER THE FEELDO ONLY WORKS FOR TWO

In a stroke of genius, Emily fakes like she has to use the bathroom. She sneaks into the back where, magically, she finds the shop’s computer. Did I say computer? I mean company iPad. She instantly knows how to use the system, despite the fact that nearly all small businesses have shit for computer systems. It’s super user-friendly! This might be the least realistic part of this TV show.

NICE TOUCH WITH THE KEYS IN THE BACK POCKET. SO GAY

Emily has been on this show for like three seasons, so she knows that when someone says they’re going to the bathroom, that actually means they’re snooping around in back. Her acting skills in the role of “Someone who cares about costumes” are lukewarm at best. Shana immediately knows something is afoot and tries desperately to kick Paige and Hanna out. I think we can all agree that Hanna would have had better luck if she’d attempted the role of “Wants to get on Shana.” Particularly because Shana is smoking hot and, if inviting Paige down to the store only to turn her away says anything, clearly desperate for attention and batshit crazy. I love her already.

THIS IS NICE AND ALL, BUT NOT REALLY WHAT I EXPECTED WHEN I SAID I NEED A COSTUME TO BE A “QUEEN BITCH TOP.”

The shop’s computer system actually records every person who rents a costume, and Emily finds the Queen of Hearts costume log just as the phone starts to ring in back. What is this?! A dramatic comercial break before we find out what happens?

FRENCH TICKLER ATTEMPT #2

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