Welcome to the fifteenth installment of the third season of Pretty Little Liars. Wow fifteenth episode? How long have I been doing this? This week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars totally beat the crap out of last week’s pathetic excuse for an episode. This week’s episode was so good that even though I just spilled mango salsa on my pink shirt just as a load of red laundry finished (so now this shirt won’t get washed until the next reds wash in a million years), I don’t care because I’m giggling. Questions were answered, faces were shown, people were confronted and, of course, more questions were raised. Plus Mona was all over the place. Was she scheming? Was she redeeming? Who knows! She’s wacky and unpredictable!
Not that I care about that stuff. I’m actually just thrilled that Paige had some serious screen time and Paily was the only couple that kissed this week! Victory! I’m pretty sure the future is now.
We open on Aria watching scary movies. Yeah, that’s what a girl constantly stalked by a murderer would be doing. Papa Rageface shows up to make amends, apparently the police figured out who really set the fire at the school that hurt Meredith and he feels super bad for blaming The Liars for no real reason. Byron leaves the room remaning 100% creepy and with us remaining 100% certain the police totally got it wrong. The Rosewood police department are literally the worst ever.
THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS…
Cut to the other three Liars who are inexplicably sneaking into their school to try to steal Ali’s diary. The three apparently haven’t learned to take flashlights on these little outings. They stalk down to the basement to file through Creepy Janitor’s stuff again. They also do some good old fashioned shit talking about their friend behind her back! “Like, omigod did Aria’s dad really kill Ali? What a slut.” Oh to be young again.
The Liars suddenly realize someone is the room with them! Unfortunately, due to their continuous lack of flashlights they don’t see who it is. Hanna sees his shoes though!
SHOES HANNA?!? STOP OPPRESSING ME WITH YOUR GENDER ROLLS!
Unsurprisingly, the office has been totally cleared of Mona and/or the Creepy Janitor’s stuff. Plus, you guessed it, Ali’s journal is gone and replaced with an identical empty one. ‘Cause that’s how we roll A style.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USING THE AT HOME DENTISTRY KIT SHOWN IN THE BACKGROUND
The next day, the four Liars meet to discuss the previous evening’s events over a hot cup of joe. I want to clarify, because of the constant dead bodies, that I’m using slang for coffee. Not an actual cup of a dead guy named Joe. Mostly everyone has been having nonstop constant stress nightmares. Aria’s been having nightmares that Republicans take the Senate and make elaborate accessories illegal. Hanna’s been having nightmares that Clairol stops making Nice ‘n Easy Born Blonde permanent hair dye. Spencer has been having nightmares she’s shown up to a polo match but forgotten her riding crop! Emily has been having the exact same nightmare except she’s showing up to a lesbian bondage orgy.
HOW TO GET AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HAIRCUT
Spencer reveals that she’s now running unopposed for captain of the Academic Decathlon Team. Remember that last episode A took the front tire of someone’s bike? Looks like A’s got Spencer all set up to be the new team captain.
DISAPPOINTED THAT THIS ISN’T A CROTCH SHOT.
Mona shows up and everything gets super awkward. It’s just like when your former friend who turned out to be stalking and threatening you shows up at the local coffee shop at 5:30am before you got to school. Just like that. She announces that the Creepy Janitor was at their school stalking her and that she (and now the police) think that he started the fire. Just as the police went to look for Creepy Janitor he went missing. How convenient.
AND DON’T SAY MAYA BECAUSE THAT’S JUST TOO EASY
The Liars mull over the situation, by which I mean they go around in a circle making what the fuck is going on faces. Zero Liars believe Mona. Spencer remarks that, now that Meredith doesn’t think they attacked her, Mona sort of did them a favor.
NOT EVEN A SEXUAL FAVOR
A favor from Mona? What would that even look like?
PUTTING TOXIC GAS INTO THE ATMOSPHERE TO POISON THE PERSON WHO BULLIED YOU
HOT WAXING THE FLOOR SO YOUR EXGIRLFRIEND SLIPS AND BREAKS HER BACK
After school, Hanna confronts Lucas. Super sleuth Hanna recognized Lucas’s shoes from the night before. Because they used to be besties. Awww. Lucas is super scared of Mona and doesn’t want to be seen talking with Hanna for fear that it will set her off again. He seems to think other people believe that Mona has reformed.
SOMEHOW FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT THAN GO-GO JUICE
Also, as it turns out, Lucas was the one who went all pyrotechnics on the school storage locker. That’s right, it wasn’t Mona or the Creepy Janitor who tried to burn the building down, it was that third string male character I always forget about.
I CALL THIS LOOK BORING MALE CHARACTER GYM CLASS CHIC
Inside, Paige and Emily leave class together! Adorable! Yay forever! Except Paige is acting sort of weird.
THINGS MOSTLY DONE BY ME USING MY HANDS/STRAP
At first I thought she was going to break up with Emily because of all the bullshit that went down with getting kidnapped, but I promise she doesn’t!! She just explains that her parents are super tweaked out and restricting her every move. Because, um, she was sort of gagged and almost killed in the woods. So obviously she and Emily make plans to go to a party in the woods!
LIKE THE FIRST 50 YEARS OF JODIE FOSTER NOT BEING OUT
Also, a french braid? Be still my Katniss heart.
DID I MENTION THEY HAD A SUPER CASUAL KISS?!
In her humble classroom of literature and love, Ella and Aria catch up a bit. Aria has stopped by to show her mother her new Flintstones costume and Ella is totally unimpressed with everyone’s reaction to Garret’s death.
I’M GLAD YOU’RE HERE MOM. I’M GOING TO NEED HELP PAPER MACHE-ING ALL MY JEWELRY FOR THIS SPRING
Shockingly, while the whole town is obsessing over a man’s death, Ella remembers that a young girl’s murder remains unresolved. Ella is beside herself that she wasn’t there enough for her daughter. Apparently she and Byron partied a little too hard and she was out like Hammer pants all night and hungover for realz the next morning. Sounds like Byron wanted her dead to the world IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
LISTEN ARIA, I’M GONNA CLOSE MY EYES AND I JUST WANT YOU TO READ THE WICKED DEEP 1984 QUOTE ON THE BOARD AND THEN MAKE WHATEVER ASSUMPTIONS YOU WANT.
Starsweep to the Academic Decathlon meeting. Remember when I said that Spencer would now be unopposed as Academic Decathlon team captain? Welp, not exactly. Looks like Mona wants to be captain too, and her super genius photographic memory is probably going to take her there.
PLEASE GOD LET THIS JUST BE ANOTHER POLO/ORGY STRESS DREAM
Okay wait, you expect me to believe that Mona, after breaking literally hundreds of laws, is not only facing absolutely no legal consequences, she’s also not facing any consequences at school? Who is she, Chris Brown?
Looks like all the six-person team has to do is vote. Shocker: it’s a tie. With the (totally obviously bribed and/or blackmailed) team at a split, we’re gonna have a Speech Off. Is this where we start chanting? SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! Hm. That doesn’t have as much umph as I thought it might.
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’D RATHER SEE THEM MUD WRESTLE.
After the meeting the current team captain goes over to give Spencer a little sumpin’ sumpin’. Is he going to be an actual regular character on the show? Because they seem to be flirting and I wasn’t informed. 
Guy: Spank her like I know you can.
Spencer: Good pep talk.
HAD TO
Phew. Is it hot in here?
The next day at school, Mona confronts the Liars with a whole new batch of apologies and tears.
YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!
Blah blah blah I’m not allowed to have a computer or phone or internet, blah blah blah. Turns out Jason has been “supervising” her in the computer lab and that’s the only way she was able to post an apology video. It’s maybe sort of sad or maybe sort of supposed to make us think Mona is sneaky. I’m unclear.
LIKE IF WE BOTH WANT TO BE DOGGIE STYLE THAT COULD CAUSE A LOT OF NECK STRAIN
After school, Aria, Emily and Hanna meet for a rehash gab session. They go over all the details of the day and Aria totally not subtly at all drops that she’s been feeling queasy. Calling it right now, Aria is pregnant.
GUYS, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN MY FEET SWELL TOO BIG TO FIT INTO MY EXTENSIVE BOOT COLLECTION?
The Liars wonder whether Byron might have intentionally gotten Ella drunk, and end up arguing over the details of Aria’s father’s meeting with Ali. Unable to come to a conclusion Aria goes and looks for the diary page, where she left in, in her left boot. I think we can all agree this is the best hiding place of all time, and take a five minute break so you can all hide your diaries/cigarettes/sex toys in your Doc Martins.
THIS FAR IN?!
You back? Okay great, because just as Aria starts to panic, Byron opens the door. He sees her looking around and starts acting all weird and creepy again. He mentions, in a sickly sweet voice, that he always thought it was so clever how Aria hid her Halloween candy from her brother in her boots. Oh Jeez.
THIS MAN RECEIVED A THANK YOU FROM LENA DUNHAM AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES. SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED
Starsweep to Spencer’s where she and TobAy are prepping for the Speech Off. Just then TobAy gets a call from his “boss” who is clearly totally main A. Ew I hate his more and more with every episode. The most important part of this scene is that TobAy and Spencer don’t kiss, keeping Paige and Emily as the only kissing couple.
PREPPING FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED MUD WRESTLING
Float on over to Lucas’s bedroom where Hanna pulls the age old Your Mom Let Me In. Lucas has been up there for hours polishing his dozens of batman action figures and practicing going up and down his bunk beds.
A MODERATELY ACCURATE RECONSTRUCTION OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BEDROOM
Lucas reveles that he’s switching to home schooling. I really really want to make a home schooling joke here but I get the feeling that some of you were probably home school and turned out just fine so I’ll let this one slide. Mona had been blackmailing Lucas. Turns out Mr. Lucas was selling all the answers to every single test in school. I’m pretty impressed since, last time I checked, like 99% of high school tests are made new each year and usually essay or long form calculation style. Either way, Lucas is really freaked out since after he tried to quit the A-Team, Mona tried to run him over with an SUV. Remember?! We saw that last episode! Except it wasn’t Mona, it was TobAy!
YEAH SO BASICALLY I JUST SIT HERE AND JERK OFF TO INTERNET PORN ALL DAY
Later that night, Paige and Emily pull over at the side of the road on the way to their party. Is it because she and Emily are going to do some backseat scissoring? Nope. What about some back seat second basing? Nope. Okay, how about just some light lady kissing? Nope nope nope. No funny business at all.
WHY CAN’T WE JUST HAVE CAR SEX LIKE NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL COUPLES?
Instead, Paige freaks the fuck out. Apparently she’s the only person at Rosewood High who recognizes that a string of murders taking place out at night in the middle of the woods probably means they shouldn’t be going out at night in the middle of the woods. Quick one, that Paige. Paige admits that her parents aren’t forcing her to come home early, she’s been extremely scared to leave her house.
ALL I MEANT WAS THAT I WANTED YOU TO FUCK ME WITH A STRAP ON!
Instead of getting back in the car and returning home, the two go for a walk in the woods. Seriously.
THAT AREA OVER THERE LOOKS HAUNTED, LET’S TAKE A STROLL
Elsewhere: SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! Nope, still not that impressive. Either way, Mona and Spencer show up good to go. Actually, Spencer looks the most like a porn star ever.
NOW KISS.
I wish I could narrate this professional sports style, but I just can’t. I mean, okay, here goes. Spencer’s in the lead from the get go. Mona keeps missing answers by just a word or two, but starts to edge in. That’s right, she’s behind but she edges in from the rear. Hehe.
WHAT IS THE CODE NAME FOR GETTING A GIRL’S BRA OFF
At the end of round two Spencer is up by three points. Mona sort of wants to take an intermission but Spencer won’t quit– she’s hitting all her baskets from the three point line tonight. She’s all hardcore, but Mona doubles down.
BLOW JOBS GIVEN ON SCHOOL PROPERTY
It all comes down to the last question. All of the countries dissolved at the end of the Soviet Union… in alphabetic order. 10 seconds left to go, the ball hits the rim and NOOOO Spencer forgets Latvia. NOT LATVIA. Mona wins. Now who’s spanking whom?
Elsewhere Aria overhears Papa Rageface arguing with Meredith. I’m unclear, are they together? He gets overly handsy and aggressive.
WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?!
Meredith runs away screaming and crying and Aria follows her super stealth style. She tracks Meredith all the way to a coffee shop where she finds her drowning her sorrows in tea. Meredith explains she caught Papa Rageface in Aria’s room snooping about. Meredith was unimpressed so she snooped around a bit too.
SHE HAD A HINT. I MEAN, IT’S IN THE TITLE
She found the Ali’s journal pages in Byron’s dresser, but explains that she knew that he was being blackmailed. Byron had come to Meredith the night Ali was murdered. Byron thought Meredith had something to do with his blackmailing.
BUT YOU KNOWING ABOUT THE BLACKMAIL STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHERE THE OTHER HALF OF MY JACKET WENT.
Paige and Emily get back from their walk to find their tire flat. Paige, despite being concerned that she’s not a strong enough women, gets down on the ground and starts to change it. Did I mention she’s wearing a plaid button-up and a down vest? And a slouchy black hat. I can honestly say it was the most lesbian moment on television including the entire series The L Word.
MECHANICAL LESBIAN REALNESS
Just then, there’s rustling in the bushes! It’s someone hooded! The hooded figure runs away into the woods. I’m pretending it’s Samara, jealous of Paige but also getting aroused by her tire changing. Paige wants to run away, but Emily is finally armed with a flashlight. She runs after the figure into the woods, but unfortunately he gets away.
PAIGE DON’T WORRY. A CAN’T HURT US AS LONG AS WE HAVE A FLASHLIGHT.
The two walk back to the car to finish changing the tire. Unbeknownst to Paige and Emily, the figure is reveled to be TobAy. That dick.
UNIMPRESSED
After Mona’s win, the current captain offers to go to the faculty advisor and try for an overrule. But Spencer don’t play that game. She plays the call Hanna and leave upset game. Before they can leave, though, Hanna has to get a good jab in at Mona.
WORST O FACE EVER
You know how sometimes you’re really mad at someone and you plan what you’re going to say to them? How if they push you one more time, you’re going to tell them that you never want to see them again. That your friendship is over and there’s nothing they can do or say. Then, when that moment comes, because you’ve got this long planned out thing to say, you just bubble over and let it loose. It’s perfect and slices right through the person, but then it’s so cutting that afterwords you feel terrible and regret it? That’s basically what happened. Except we haven’t gotten to the part where Hanna regrets it. But I’m sure we will.
SLICE AND DEIS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF A BRANDEIS SITCOM THAT I MADE A BRIEF APPEARANCE ON
For some totally unexplainable reason, the car flat tire necessitates Paige sleeping over at Emily’s. More importantly this basically fulfills all our hopes and dreams.
YOU ARE APPROXIMATELY 3 FEET TOO FAR APART
Well, sort of. On a mattress on the floor. Paige explains that she’s scared and doesn’t understand how Emily isn’t. In the second most lesbian TV moment of all time Emily blames herself for Paige’s fear and suggests that she go talk to a therapist.
BUT WHAT IF I NEVER GET DUSTY AND ROMI’S CHRISTMAS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD?
Then Emily kisses her goodnight and tucks her in and it’s the cutest ever! JK it would be a whole lot cuter if she got into bed with her and they spooned on the twin mattress.
ORAL SEX: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG
Back at the Montgomery’s, Aria thinks she has the actual flu. This, of course, tells us she is totally actually pregnant.
THAT’S NOT WHERE THE PREGNANCY TEST GOES
How funny would it be if Ezra got two different high school seniors pregnant?
WHAT IF THERE WERE TWO OF THESE?!
In our final scary cut scene we see Byron leave his office. Just outside a hooded figure watches him go. It’s Mona– with a cell phone– announcing Byron’s departure.
HELLO? HAS ANYONE SEEn MIKE HUNT?
No wait. That’s not the final cut scene! There’s another! With a hooded figured stashing the masks from the Halloween Train under some leaves. To me this means that somehow A is framing Byron. Why? Because A is always framing whomever we think the bad guy is. Always. Those are the rules.
DEAR TOBAY, I HATE YOU, GET THE FUCK OFF MY TV
Tune in next week where it will be revealed that TobAy is actually just a formidable robotic assassin and soldier, designed by the military supercomputer Skynet for infiltration and combat duty, towards the ultimate goal of exterminating the human resistance. Also, I’ll try to determine why watching Pretty Little Liars makes me so hungry and hopefully replenish my mango salsa supply.
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“See’s”?
“Welp”?
“Cleaver”?
PLL recaps > PLL
I agree.
But I also want you to know that your username “Autostradoodle” is now what I think when I need to get on Autostraddle. The thought in my head is literally “I haven’t Autostradoodled today.”
YAY! Autostraddle-Poodle mix FTW!
pregnancy is a misdirect! She’s being poisoned. I bet my extensive boot collection on it.
Probably just used something toxic in those paper mache jewerly projects.
i think she has cholera
This comment wins.
What the liars need to do is pool their resources and send Paige to A-camp for the Butching it up with Marni workshop, so she can tap into her latent butch powers to fix shit. All their A related problems would be fixed within a week.
oh god, THE EZRA BABY PICTURE
i just scroll through these for the screencaps <3
I let out a whoop when I saw “Lindsey Shaw” in the opening credits.
I too think that Aria being pregnant is a misdirect. Plus, teen pregnancy is too easy of a subplot for this show. But Emily was poisoned that one time with the muscle cream stuff, so I’m not convinced that’s it either.
Real talk: I try to ignore the names in the opening credits so I’ll be surprised when people show up!!
While watching this episode, I just stared at the screen going PAIGE CAN CHANGE A TIRE PAIGE CAN CHANGE A TIRE PAIGE CAN CHANGE A TIRE
Other Possible Reasons for Aria Being Queasy:
1) Poison
2) Proximity to Byron
3) Saw something nasty behind the woodshed
4) Body finally collapsing under weight of accessories
5) Just heard about Showtime’s plans for “The Real L Word” documentary
+ bonus points for Cold Comfort Farm reference
Was anybody else as utterly confused as me that Emily-I-have-a-king-size-bed made poor, scared Paige sleep on the floor? On the floor???
It’s like when Pacey and Joey spend the whole summer sleeping in seperate hammocks while on a tiny boat.
I mean, for reals?!
i think it’s because her dad didn’t want them to sleep in the same bed, yeah? but emily should’ve slept on the floor and let paige have the bed, just to be nice
That’s what I gathered. But like, they never would have done that with Hanna and Caleb. They would have been doing all the bed snuggling.
I think maybe they’re trying to seem realistic?…
Nope, that was super clever because beds make noises when used for queer purposes, floors not so much :D
The images of Spencer and Mona spanking cannot be unseen…and for that, thank you.
Also, “you like strong women, right?” Break my heart Lindsey Shaw. Take all the awards.
And also, Paige can change a flat tire? Call me Paige McCullers, I won’t leave your scared self in the woods like Fields did, and I definitely would not have you be sleeping on the floor. you, me, bed, now, please.
Big Paily fan but they are doomed. Dooommmeeddd.
1) I mean this dynamic can’t work. Paige hates herself and thinks Emily is close to perfect. They can’t work if Paige is just constantly trying to prove to herself and to Emily she is worthy eventhough she doesn’t believe she is.
2) Even if they get past that issue, show-wise Paige can’t last. Emily can’t have a normal girlfriend. By normal I mean this in a very limited sense (Paige is a nuts) because she reacts to thing like a person would. I mean at some point things will get really bad and Paige will say “enough is enough” and tell her dad or the cops. Caleb is normal but he hates authority figures and won’t do that. With the character they created it is hard to see how she can fit into the story long-term without blowing everything up (figuratively not literally).
I had a lot of feelings about Paige’s party in the woods/tire changing outfit.
I know that Emily has probably seen the most growth in the series, but damn, it’s nice to see her fearless. The scene in the woods made me smile because they make a super cute Hard Femme/Soft Butch couple. All the Paily feelings.
Also, I must be super obtuse because it never crossed my mind that Aria could be pregnant.
me neither! i just thought they needed an excuse for her to be at home all the time this episode
Maybe they just needed an excuse for Aria to not be involved in anything relevant going on in the show, again.
lizz this was funny, i laughed a lot
Thank you, I also laughed a lot because I’m one of those awful people who just laugh at their own jokes all the time.
okay so byron has become the creepiest fuck ever overnight, which’s so weird, right?
also, these girls are morons. it’s starting to drive me crazy! nobody learns from a single mistake. they just run into the woods with flashlights and split up and do everything wrong over and over and over again. i feel like that guy who yells at the horror movie in scream.
i found myself totally not minding aria this episode, i think she is bearable when ezra’s out of the picture
Yes!! I felt the same way, it’s like if there’s an opportunity to turn around and be safe or open the basement/chase the hooded stranger into a dark alley, they’re obviously going to make the unwise choice.
I feel like if I were in Rosewood I would just carry a flashlight on me at all times.
And seriously, why do they not photograph shit that is useful to them/clears their names the first time they see it, because it’s always gone when they go back for it!
I liked the reference to the fact that these girls hang out in coffee shops at 5:30AM. Back in the day, I got to H.S. by 7:30, at the latest. I love how fictional teenagers have oodles of leisure time before school.
On another note, I feel like Meredith might be involved with the Ali shenanigans. And by shenanigans, I mean murder. Maybe she was angry that Ali was pressuring Byron and putting strain on their relationship. Or, she suspected that Ali was the one who trashed his office. I’m suspicious of her sudden niceness. She’s probably playing friendly as a way to be in the know about how much information the girls have on that night.
that drives me INSANE about this show! i mean, all shows do this, but i might argue that PLL does it the most. they have scenes where like, spencer will show up at emily’s before school — like how much fucking time does she have before school that not only is she already dressed, showered and fed, but has time for a surprise visit from a friend and ensuing conversation before either has to show up in a classroom? so much shit goes on before dawn on this program.
When do they sleep?
Also wtf season is it?
Maybe school in Rosewood starts at noon. Or maybe they sleep in their perfectly manicured outfits.
There desperately needs to be Paily time on this show. I just don’t understand how the other girls can be in serious relationships with their “men” for over a year….but Emily can’t keep a gf to save her life! Something always goes wrong…like murder or extreme paranoia. Every time I watch this show I just can’t help but think it could be SO much better if it were on HBO or Showtime.
I completely agree that Paige and Emily should get some staying power (although I wouldn’t mind Emily meeting a hot butch). But I disagree that this should be on HBO or Showtime. I feel like it’s really important that this show is right next to Disney Channel in the basic cable channel lineup. Not every high school queer has HBO or showtime, but they can watch PLL on hulu and at least see something at least a little gay.
Also I like to keep in mind that three seasons into PLL only like a year has passed, so actually none of these relationships could possibly be as serious as the Liars make them out to be.
I still tune in, but for some reason, I’m not as excited about this half of the season. :( On a side note for Hanna fans: Ashley Benson is going to be on the next How I Met Your Mother.
Hum Im not as into this show as I was before, but this season I can’t wait to see what the story plot is going to be; I think I only been watching because of Emily’s story and Spencer.
Paige should go ‘talk to someone’ about getting the ladies a group discount on therapy, for reals.
Also, props to you for doing all your reds separately?! I didn’t realize that was a thing!
It’s silly that Aria is lounging around when she has a murderer on her tail, especially since The Rosewood police are less than competent. When it comes to Mona, even though janitor’s are creepy she comes off as a little drama queen, which makes me laugh. I’m looking forward to the rest of the season, even though I’ll miss Tuesday’s new episode, since I have to work nights at my job at DISH. But, I’m setting my DISH Hopper to auto-record the big 4 networks during prime time hours using PrimeTime Anytime. This way I can look forward to the weekend when I can relax in front of the TV while enjoying some TV drama.