I want to be upfront about the fact that Episode 303 of Pretty Little Liars basically contains no lesbian content. If you want to stop reading now I won’t forgive you at all. Maybe you should redirect yourself to here.
THIS SKEPTICAL FACE, NOVEL AND LATTE ARE THE MOST LESBIAN THINGS THIS EPISODE
Despite that, I still thought it was a pretty good episode. First of all, Tobey Your Thirst did not make a guest appearance. So that was nice. Second of all I watched it while eating this $30 breakfast in Europe.
DELICIOUS BREAKFAST IS DELICIOUS
We pick up with our Liars right where we left off: Jenna is still faking blind which is super awkward, mostly because Tammin Sursok’s portrayal of the blind has gone from vaguely offensive to tragically offensive.
IF SHE’S NOT BLIND THEN THAT CANE IS JUST THE MOST ADVANCED FASHION STATEMENT EVER.
EMILY’S SHIRT IS TOTALLY SEE THROUGH. I SEE BRA AND NAVEL!
To prove she’s not really blind, Aria agrees to accompany Jenna on the piano for her next flute recital. While there is almost no evidence that Jenna is gay, I would like to point out that flute is like the fifth queerest instrument after drums, fiddle, ukulele and Your Feelings.
I HAVE THIS THEORY THAT IF YOU CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR SHE’D LOOK LIKE A BRITISH MAN.
Of course we’re also still dealing with Dark Lucas who is 100% less fun than Dark Willow.
WHAT DO YOU WANT BITCH?! I’M BURNING ALL MY FUCKING FEELINGS. ALL OF THEM. RIGHT HERE ON THIS PAPER.
Now that Ella’s gone pants-on-fire, Emily is rocking a 94% on a test she didn’t finish. Instead of taking the score and running, Emily has decided this is a good time to stop all the lying and fess up.
INTERNATIONAL AUTOSTRADDLE BRUNCH DAY IS ON THE FIFTEENTH?! BUT I HAVE SWIM PRACTICE THAT DAY!
OH DUH. IT’S JUST BRUNCH FOR A FEW HOURS EARLY IN THE DAY. I CAN TOTALLY MAKE THAT!
Actually this is an ongoing theme in the show this season: no lying. I’m very into it because, with the exception of Ms. Marin stealing a shitton of money, most of the secrets are out in the open now. At some point the shit has to hit the fan, and the less shit the better because, as anyone with a sick great dane knows, shit is a bitch to clean up.
MS. MONTGOMERY? I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW YOU GOT THAT TIGHT TIGHT ASS…
Everything is not not as it seems over at the Hastings household where Melissa is looking awfully not pregnant. At first I assumed she’d had her baby but then it occurred to me that she also lacked the characteristic TV screaming baby. Don’t worry though, she’s still sitting on that goddamn couch.
THIS IS MY HOME NOW.
Ms. Hastings has gathered the girls to announce that she is defending Garret even though Spencer is convinced he totes murdered Ali. Mama Hastings reminds Spencer that everyone deserves a good legal defense and Spencer reminds her mom of that one time she was in a lesbian short film. Spencer answers all our confusion about skinny No Baby Melissa by saying, “I’m sorry you lost your baby.” I guess Melissa miscarried three months prior while on vacation. So that’s not really funny. I’ll just move on.
WAIT IT CAN PROLAPSE?!
Either way Spencer suspects that Melissa’s baby daddy might be Garret, so she calls 1-800-MEDICALRECORDS to dig up some shit on Melissa. Wouldn’t you know it? Melissa never stayed at the hospital she claimed. Calling 1-800-CREDITCARDBILL Spencer discovers that Mellissa and her mother actually just stayed at a hotel for the weekend. So it looks like Melissa lost her baby way before she admitted to losing her baby. Or maybe was never pregnant with Ian’s demon seed at all! What a fucking liar.
WHAT AM I WEARING?! WELL. UM. A LIGHT BLUE OXFORD SHIRT AND A BLACK VEST.
Over at Jenna’s place, music abounds because, like I said, the flute is gay. Aria snoops while she plays and plays while she snoops and may I just say Jenna is looking goooood in those white pants.
THAT IS A TRAGIC PANTY LINE.
Aria finds a sticky-note with H. Cobb on it. 
The Liars assume it’s a doctor’s appointment for Jenna’s eyes. I dunno, H. Cobb seems more like a butler’s name to me (but maybe that’s because of Albert Nobbs).
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http://fuckyeahpaigeandemily.tumblr.com/ is another option for anyone having gay!Emily withdrawals (plus, Paige is back next week, never too late to hop aboard the ship!)
<3 <3 <3 Paige! Especially in a suit.
I’m really trying with this show, but I just can’t do it. Every time they mention Maya I think damn you PLL’s. Then with Nate I think oh how convenient replace one black person with another, quota met.
I would really hope that Melissa wasn’t pregnant with Jason’s seed. That’s her half brother. I think you mean Ian. It’s hard to keep so many names straight!
-A
I was going to make the same comment.
And the Liars assume EARPLUGS have something to do with an EYE DOCTOR’s APPOINTMENT?
I could not get over how absolutely stupid Ella was. I mean, okay, pass Emily, yes, but if the girl knows she didn’t finish half her test, give her like a 64% or something – enough to pass, but not high enough to MAKE IT OBVIOUS THAT YOU CHEATED.
Seriously. The adults on this show are unbelievably stupid. And inappropriate.
Exactly! I was like “94%? SERIOUSLY?” I thought you were kinda being a reckless badass Ella, and making more secrets for the show… But a 94%?
64% is enough to pass? Damn not at my high school. You needed at least a 70 to pass.
I don’t like the whole Nate story line. I personally think he’s not really Maya’s cousin but what do I know? Also Paige is super hot with long hair but I don’t know if I like her with Emily.
I’m starting to think that Nate is not Maya’s cousin. (By that I mean hoping.) Glad I’m not the only one.
The only thing Nate has done is talk to Emily about Maya. What’s wrong with that? And I thought that the story he told about the summer he spent with Maya was really cute.
Because the fact that he met up with Emily to give her Maya’s parents address and forgot the address but went on to talk about how Emily should move on and again about Maya, I don’t know, personally I’m getting more of a True-North-stalker vibe from him than cousin
Don’t knock Tina Fey hair. I have Tina Fey hair. Tina Fey has Tina Fey hair. Clearly it’s a good look.
I literally turned up the brightness on my phone to see that navel you were speaking of!
Also I loved that you called out Melissa for always being on the fucking couch! ” this is my home now” ahaha.
“I literally turned up the brightness on my phone to see that navel you were speaking of!”
Award for Most Gay Thing Today