They don’t have time to get into it. Kendra shows up at the backdoor in her jacket
I kissed a guy who told me my anxiety was like a kindergartener getting into a snit about glue.
And the guy who carried my groceries to the car at Kroger.
And the pharmacist when he gave me my allergy meds.
And that guy Johnny.
I think Ali is washing clothes for everyone in every jail in Pennsylvania. She has not stopped doing laundry since she arrived here. She’s like the cinderella of juvie, only she already made her fairy godmother wish and it was to be pulled from the ground where she’d been buried alive by her mother. She tries to talk to Hanna about Varjak during laundry duty, and about Kendra from the playground tunnel, but the guards here won’t even let Hanna and Alison look at each other, so they have to hurt themselves on purpose so they can chat in the infirmary. It’s the most Alison thing you’ve ever seen in your life. First she presses a hot iron against her own arm, and then she’s like, “Okay, and you smash your hand in the dryer” like she’s asking Hanna to pass the salt and pepper, and when Hanna can’t do it, Ali’s like, “Oh good lord” and smashes Hanna’s fingers in the dryer for her.
I made such a strangled yelp when that happened, and curled up in a reflexive ball on the couch. Times like these you remember it wasn’t Ali just flying her personal airplane around, sipping champagne and occasionally pulling people from burning buildings when she was dead. She’s hard in the broken places, like what Ernest Hemingway predicted about what happens when teenagers go to war.
Well, Sparia has been disqualified for not kissing.
Hannily, bitch.
I should have made out with Mona’s ghost at Christmas.
Lawyer Julie cannot. She is annoyed af when Hanna and Ali get out of the infirmary, all patched up, talking about Kendra.
Lawyer Julie: Let me repeat back to you what you just said to me. Your main defense strategy is to put a drug addled teenager on the stand so she can tell the jury she saw you playing on the swingset in the park — where she lives, I guess — all day the day Mona was murdered because she was tripping balls and peeping out at you from a sewer drain like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Ali: Or you could subpoena that witch I told you about! She reads literal minds, Julie!
Hanna: We’re going to be in jail for the rest of our lives, huh?
Lawyer Julie: Yes.
Ali: Have you found my old parrot Tippi, yet? Have you found Pepe? Both of those guys can vouch for my innocence!
Hanna: I wish Mona were here. She’d get me out of this pickle.
Ali: I CAN DO WHAT MONA CAN DO.
Hanna: No. You can’t. No one can.
Jesus really is my boyfriend, but I guess I’d like to make out with Emily too.
Nope. That did not work out for me before, and that girl’s husband was human.
But Lawyer Julie goes to Spencer’s to talk to Kendra anyway. Kendra is all, “Yeah, I saw Alison DiLaurentis that day. She was wrapped in rainbows and sprinkled with cosmic things. She was math. She was swirling, rippling water, like a gentle, purple hurricane. And like I knew her, you know? Not from the news, but like deep within myself, I knew her. The sphere of her spirit orbited my consciousness and I saw her pain. She was me and we were both on that swing, not murdering Mona Vanderwaal.”
Lawyer Julie grabs a grapefruit from Spencer’s countertop and reckons she’s going to call Ali to the stand, after all.
After everyone is gone, Toby shows up and he is so mad. He says he took the job as a cop to make himself feel better about how he can’t protect Spencer and the way she repaid the way he was making her misery about him was to kiss everyone else. Look, I love you, Toby Cavanaugh, but you didn’t just meet Spencer, okay? You knew her arch-nemeses were the police when you became the police. You knew her favorite thing was breaking the law when you signed up to enforce the law. You can’t marry a fish and be mad at it when you drag it out of the water and realize its gills won’t breathe air. So anyway, Toby’s willing to give it all up for her. His whole entire career that has lasted three weeks and cost him fifty dollars, a haircut, and one afternoon at some kind of online academy. He’ll go back to being a millionaire teenage handyman, because he loves her enough to give up a thing he has never cared about doing. Toby, shut up and use your mouth for kissing.
The haircut was the right choice, though, babe.
So while all of this is going on, Ezra does end up kidnapping Mike, but when they shows up at Ezra’s cabin, Caleb is sitting there in the dark, pissed as hell. Because if Mike doesn’t testify that Mona is just another death-faker in this entire town full of Tom Sawyers, Hanna is going to be in jail forever, and she deserves it less than anyone. Even less than Emily. Ezra says that Mike — who is the same age Aria was when Ezra seduced and started dating her — is a child and cannot be expected to make grown-up decisions. Ezra and Caleb scream at each other for half an hour, and when they stop to catch their breath, they realize Mike has stolen Ezra’s car and skedaddled back to Rosewood.
Or, well, that was his plan, but on the way back down the mountain, someone shot an arrow through his windshield and chased him out into the woods and sprayed bear spray in his eyeballs and tethered him to a pole and beat him up. And then when Ezra and Caleb start running through the woods trying to find him, someone shoots a thousand arrows at them like Legolas up in here.
Truman Capote is the reason we don’t have more than one legitimate Harper Lee book.
Okay, you need to calm down.
That guy was a dick!
HOW DARE YOU.
The finally find Mike tied up to that pole, and before they loose him and drive him home, they take a bunch of pictures of him as “proof.” Proof of what? I do not know.
And neither does Tanner. When the boys show up with the photos and their tale of a Hunger Games-style chase through the forest, Tanner is like, “Did you call the police in the precinct where this alleged ambush happened? No. Did you take your friend to a hospital for medical attention? No. You were running for your lives and worried your friend was close to death, but you stopped — and took a selfie?” Caleb and Ezra yell and stomp their feet and pull their hair and gnash their teeth and cannot believe the fucking audacity of these cops. How can Tanner not believe them!? They have PROOF.
I AM AN ANGRY WHITE GUY!!!!
HULK SMASH!!!!!!
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
One of the best things about this show is these slick little moments of deeply subversive commentary about like, “Look what happens when these guys are subjected to five minutes of what the women in their lives have been dealing with for five years?”
Also, the fact that Ezra Fitzgerald can go into a police station and throw a tantrum about how there’s no justice or accountability in the world is just the truest, grossest thing I have ever seen.
Alison’s trial.
Alison, here is a ball.
Get this away from me. I only eat tacos.
Lawyer Julie: I am going to throw a grapefruit at your face; try to swat it away.
Grapefruit: [conks Ali in the head]
Lawyer: The defense rests, your honor.
Prosecutor: If you really can’t keep a piece of fruit from hitting you in the face, how did you win this … ARCHERY AWARD at sleepaway camp?
Jury: [gasps]
A-text: Bullseye, bitches!
While they’re waiting for the verdict, Lawyer Julie asks Ali about the archery award, and she says her bunkmate won it, really, but they cheated to make it seem like it was her. But guess who else is an ace archer? Andrew, who shows up at court where Aria’s best friend is on trial for murder to ask her to proofread some kind of college application. That, alone, is enough to make him completely undatable. And I’m not even factoring in the Vanderblasphemy when I say that. So on his college application, it says he was a woodland ranger, and since no one told Aria that Mike was nearly shot to death by a huntsmen last night, she doesn’t think that’s weird at all.
“The jury finds the gayest to be … Paige McCullers.”
NOOOOOO!
EMISON!!!!!
The jury deliberates for three minutes, and then they find Alison guilty of first degree murder. And for some reason, that’s Tanner’s cue to arrest just everybody. All the Liars, cuffed and booked and mugshotted.
The Risen Mitten carts his Liar dolls off to jail. It’s amazing. It’s the best non-Tippi A-tag in this show’s whole history.
“I threw my pie for you, Aria!”
“Too bad, Spencer, I’m straight. Everyone’s life is ruined.”
Next week: Big A, bitches. No, for real. NO FOR REAL.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to Nicole (@PLLBigA) for the screencaps and all around general perfection.
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– Two months? Did somebody forget that they’re on Rosewood time?
– Somebody is jealous of Hanna’s relationship with Mona.
– What’s in the box?!?
– I thought that it was Paige that apparated in, not Piper.
– Emily, are you wearing short shorts?
– “How about you let me talk to her?” “Okay.” “Hi, have you-” “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU!”
– I simply thought that the girl was homeless.
– For once, I agree with Ezra. Caleb doesn’t give a crap about Mike. He’s rationalizing in order to help Hanna.
– Mike just got the crap beat out of him, and Caleb is all, “This can prove Hanna is innocent.”
– Ah, poor Alison. Is all of your lying and manipulation catching up with you?
– It looks like next episode Spencer goes down the rabbit hole again, and takes the other liars with her.
Seriously though, we all know that Spencer tried to murder Ali because Spencer had sex with Aria, Aria told Ali, and Ali taunted Spencer, right?
I hope you’re right about the rabbit hole! A collective hallucination would be just the thing!
aria’s face about the tongue and the craft supplies, that was hilarious, everything was but that especially. Do we know if season 6 will be the final season? We will finally learn who A is and season 6 will be proving it, right? Also the castle that a doll is placed in at the end, thats radley right?who’s the doll?
im so with you about ezra,….i think he is this show’s greatest failing if they don’t have him held accountable.
There are TWO more seasons, actually. (I think.)
Then isn’t the real Big A Reveal the end of season six? Cuz we were told we’d know before season seven. I mean I GUESS this time could be for real, but then what are they gonna do for two seasons?
oooh!!i read somewhere that lasts weeks episode had 1.7 mil viewers, “my sources” (read the internet), think season 7 might be shortened because of it. we’ll see if the numbers of the A reveal will pick up as a result. if its done well maybe the pick up can be sustained for the whole 2 seasons.
So I read somewhere that Marlene’s tweets say it’s going to be a “big” reveal about A, not a reveal of Big A, though Big A will be in the finale, ergo anyone not there we can cross off our lists. And that whoefur is Big A, we’ve seen in a hoodie befur, but then does that mean THE hoodie, or just A hoodie? Anyway, I think Marlene said after the finale, “we’d be able to put it together / have all we’d need” to deduce the identity of Big A, but there won’t be, like, a name or a shot of someone in a black hoodie and we just suddenly know who it’s been all this time. But then they said the reveal was happening befur season 7 – so does that mean THIS not really reveal, or an actual propurr reveal? Goodness knows… They do taunt us. I hope I’m wrong about this – I’ve not actmewally waded through the tweets myself to check.
If they do give us enough to figure it out, doesn’t mean the Liars will know who it is yet. They’ll find out sometime before season seven, but we may learn before six starts so we can be frustrated that they can’t figure it out, too. It would actually be really creepy to see them trusting someone that we know is out to ax murder them.
A few months ago the show got renewed for season 6 and season 7. It’s been pretty much confirmed that season 7 will be the end, but who the hell knows if that’ll happen.
It was announced a while back that PLL has been picked up for a 6th & 7th season.
This is NOT in defense of Andrew, but it was his year book page that Aria asked to look at,
Ohhhh. Well. But still.
I’m actually thinking Andrew might be guilty of SOMETHING, simply by the fact that SPENCER HASN’T ACCUSED HIM YET. But maybe that’s just because she’s been a little busy making out with every OTHER guy in her vicinity. Oh and getting arrested. But then again, he’s probably just another red herring.
OH. ORRRRR. Mona faked her own death, per A’s instructions, then A instructed ANDREW to ACTUALLY murder her. In the woods. With arrows. And Andrew’s been working for A ever since trying to hide the fact that Ali didn’t actually kill Mona.
My latest theory is that Jenna is Big A, and because she’s blind, she has to keep recruiting people to actually do all her dirty work for her – Mona, Shana, Toby (for a while), Caleb (for a while), Ian, Garret, Melissa, Lucas, etc. And now, apparently, Andrew. Just needed to put that out there in anticipation of the possibility that Big A might actually be revealed next week, so I can get credit for my genius :)
I said the same thing on the last recap! Great minds think alike. I think that Jenna is the only one with the motive to be A. Who else would have that level of hatred toward the liars?
It’s also clear from her history with Toby and Shana that Jenna has Ali-level manipulation skills and disregard for other people’s feelings.
The show tends to make people seem totally guilty and then reveal that they have been terribly misunderstood (think Toby, Melissa, Ezra etc). They have never done that with Jenna. We have seen Jenna suffer too, but even the scenes that were meant to humanize her never exonerate her the way that the other characters have been exonerated.
But who knows it’s probably Ali’s undead secret twin sister who is seeking revenge for having been kept in an underground bunker for 15 years by Rev. Ted.
Toby has plenty of reason to hate them. He did time because Ali blackmailed him into confessing to blinding Jenna, when he was actually being raped by Jenna on a semi-regular basis. None of the other Liars spoke up to clear his name after they thought Ali had been killed. If that’s not reason to hate them, I don’t know what is.
That picture of Church Guy’s face popping into that tunnel was eerily similar to when Johnny’s face was peeping in Spencer’s window. Same creeper smile. Same white dude face. I’m surprised Spencer didn’t make out with Church Guy on the spot.
Awesome recap, Heather. As always!
I recently read a theory that Toby is actually the one with a twin (Charles). Their parents being Marion and Mr. D. Charles killed Toby in season 3 and Spencer really did see his dead body in the woods (which drove her to a stay at Radley). Charles has been pretending to be Toby ever since.
Mind blown
“Ezra says that Mike — who is the same age Aria was when Ezra seduced and started dating her — is a child and cannot be expected to make grown-up decisions.”
Yup. Yup yup yup. Yup yup yup yup yup.
Fuck this guy.
I cannot wait for the PLL/OITNB crossover.
I’m sorry for ya but they’re gonna get kidnapped by A before even getting to prison
http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Ashley-Benson-Excited-Attempting-To-Calm-Down-On-Pretty-Little-Liars.gif
Hilarious recap!
that jacket thing was the silliest, like really? Ali described it so vividly they just recognized it instantly?
Ezra really is the worst..
Ok, when Spencer and Emily are in the Hastings dark kitchen drinking spaghetti sauce talking about how she’s kissing everyone because she just wanted a warm body to curl up against, it made me think about that Spencer Paige fic you shared w us on FanFic Friday.
As the Bros Watch PLL Too guys put it, I think Mona is Gone Girling everyone. I’ve refused her death since we “saw” her in the trunk. I need more Ali/Mona slaps.
Okay the picture didn’t work but it’s Vanderjesus in angel wings.
I think you put a “/ at the end, which is what’s messing it up. Let me try.
THANK YOU.
A staged a breakin at Monas and planted the screwdriver with their prints on it at the scene. Possibly blood of theirs and monas too.
Was anyone else a bit thrown when a teenage girl on this show made a mistake and she was worried about her parents finding out, not how her homicidal stalker was going to use it against her?
Also parents lol
Toby constantly wants to be the big hero by being a double/sleeper agent but forgetting that doesn’t mean he only helps the opposition. Joining the police force is the same thing from the liars POV as helping mona.
Your best recap of 5B :)
Gosh so many funny moments in this, but I laughed so hard at this:
“whose name is Kendra (which is the name of the character Bianca Lawson played on Buffy and so therefore Maya is A)”
because I just finished reading a whole lot of tumblr theories, and some of them are just as wacky as this, lol.
Somehow I have managed to keep away from the Daisygate spoilers, or at least I think I have (maybe one of those crazy tumblr theories is real) but, I was just wondering if anyone is actually happy at what they say? because some people seem super unhappy about it.
I’m not sure what it says about the influence this show has on me, that I didn’t even bat an eyelash at the poor use of the law and lawyering in this episode. One thing that did bother me, how was Ali unable to manipulate even one juror into finding her not guilty? She manipulates people all the time, with practically no effort. Why not now? Did she want to be convicted?
A is Hanna, it’s sure !
Hilarious recap as always :-D
This episode was great. Andrew is being too obvious, there’s no way he’s A. Not even A-team material; he’s just jealous of Ezria’s relationship. So, it’s only natural he would try and kill the dude. After all, it is the Rosewood way. I’ve put him in the cousin Nate-category..
My money is on Aria all the way. Yes, it would suck, but it’s her. There are just too many clues pointing to her. I re-watched the pilot episode and found the last piece of the puzzle I needed to be 100% sure. Like I couldn’t believe I didn’t see that massive clue before, mind was blown.. And now we wait :-)
Oh now I’m dying to know what this massive clue is!
I’ll say this, just look at the text messages from “A” in the pilot. Really, really look at them, compare and find the differences between them. Seriously, it’ll change your life haha
You have to tell me what the clue is!
Ezra and his windowless white van, LOL. Sounds about right. Oh goddess, I’m like so ridiculously excited for next week!!!
Just caught up with all the eps then came on here to read all the recaps. Heather, great recaps as always. Was LOLing everywhere. I am also commenting to say that the captions for the pics are HIGH-LAY-RIOUS! I love ’em. Thank you both!
I finally have somewhere to read recaps of PLL and discuss! This is THE BEST DAY EVER.
Okay but is the US even in the commonwealth cause I kind of thought that they threw too much tea in the harbour for that???? In which case the jury has literally no qualifications for anything