Less spiritually elevating: Spencer and Johnny stop at a gas station and are immediately confronted by Officer Toby.
Someone reported a 10-51 near here. What? It’s an expression. In police code. It means “roving band of assholes.”
Officer Toby: We got a call that the this exact artwork in your van was stolen from an art gallery one mile from here about ten minutes ago. Please step away from the vehicle, sir.
Spencer: What? No! Toby, stop acting like a jealous jerk!
Officer Toby: Now, I’m sure that my girlfriend Spencer Hastings had nothing to do with this theft because my girlfriend Spencer Hastings would fill up her getaway car with gas before she committed a crime. That’s what I know about the brain inside the head of my girlfriend Spencer Hastings.
Johnny: Well, I trespassed and vandalized to create these paintings on the side of a building I do not own, and then I did some light breaking and entering and some casual theft to steal this art, which, again, is painted onto material I can claim no right to, and so I don’t see what the problem is, Officer.
Spencer: He’s just mad because I’ve been hanging out with you!
Officer Toby: Can you even hear yourself right now?
Johnny: I live by my own moral code that is based on my delusions of what the world should be like and work very hard to make people feel inferior to me when they choose a more reality-based approach to personal ethics.
Officer Toby: Whatever, just get in the car. You’re super under arrest.
Spencer: HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
Officer Toby: Tanner is trying to use me to get to you, which is why I am staying away, by the way.
Spencer: TOBY DON’T BE A BUTTHOLE. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
Officer Toby: Spencer, where’s Aria? Go home and think about that.
Oh, shit. I thought Emily was looking after Aria.
When Nan Zabriskie shows up to evaluate Hanna’s pageant talent, it’s all pretty chill. Just regular human dancing. But somewhere in the middle of it, Hanna is filled with the Holy Ghost. She pops, she locks, she gyrates, she gives it the ol’ hiiiii-YA, and the triple whiz-BANG! She does t-rex arms, octopus arms, she does gun-fingers, she does the cold weather seizure shakes. It’s zazzle fingers to the left and shusher fingers to the right. Cyclone arms. Bloobalooby feet. Backwards rhombus ruffles. Stump shudders. Her head jolts, her arms waggle, her feet are the sensation of the palpitation nation.
Bow down, bitches!
Bow-bow down, bitches!
H-Town vicious!
H, H-Town vicious!
I’m so crown!
Dripping candy on the ground!
Emily realizes about two-thirds of the way through that her controlled sexy dancing is no match for Hanna’s spiritual convulsions. This routine operates on a plane very rarely occupied by mortals, and so Emily wisely removes herself to the side of the dance floor to allow the majesty to wash over her.
When Hanna is finished dancing, she gives a little first pump of righteousness and Nan Zabriskie stares at her like she’s seeing the sun for the first time. Unfortunately, she tells Hanna she cannot enter the pageant because her ferocity is too much competition for Beyonce and the world will never stand for it. Hanna cries a little bit. Nan tells Emily to enter, though.
So turned on right now.
Mike finds Aria rootin’ around in his tree and because his main mode is screaming these days, he screams. It’s Mona’s blood, he says, and Aria, terrified that he will be making a Mona clone or a Mona-shaped velociraptor with her DNA, breaks the blood beaker and runs off into the woods.
Veronica bails Johnny out of jail with the money he used for his security deposit, and summarily kicks him out of the barn. Before he goes, he kisses Spencer on the mouth. GET OUT AND STAY OUT, JOHNNY!
Talia is creeping on Emily again, late at night. She staked out her porch and when Emily never showed up there, Talia used her cobbler-bond with Pam to weasel out the information that Emily is hanging out at school with Hanna. And so that’s where she goes.
Will you settle for me for a little while?
I just saw Hanna dance. I’ll never settle for anything ever again.
Talia: BOO!
Emily: JESUS, FUCK! This school has tried to kill me more than once, Talia. Slow your stalker roll.
Talia: I heard you met my horrible husband. He reminds you of Larry from Orange Is the New Black, huh? It’s cool, though, I’ll be your Piper!
Emily: Honestly, I probably will end up in jail at some point, but for right now, I gotta tell ya, I’m not interested in being the teenage fling you do finger-banging experiments with and then run home to tell your husband all about it.
Talia: Fine. I was getting a gay vibe off of Spencer and she seems like she’s into making bad decisions. Can I get her number?
Emily: GOODBYE TALIA.
Emily goes to Hanna’s house to console her, but Hanna is already consoling herself with a giant pizza that she is eating all by herself. Emily Fields, this perfect unicorn person, goes, “I will enter that pageant. I will win it. I will give you that money. You will go to college.” Hanna doesn’t know what to say. (Sometimes you can say more with kissing than with words, Hanna. Just sayin’.)
Girl, I am going to look fresh to death in my new boots.
What do you mean “to death”?
And Mike finally comes clean about why he’s been acting so sketch. Before Mona was murdered, he caught her siphoning off her own blood and storing it in a freezer in her bedroom that was disguised as a desktop computer. A had been in contact and had presented Mona with a plan to take down Alison: She’d collect her own blood for a couple of months, then they’d stage her murder and splash her blood all over the house, and in the wreckage they’d plant some evidence to incriminate Alison, and Alison would go to jail for killing Mona, and Mona would know who A really is, and Alison would be behind bars, and Mona would assume a new identity in a new town and the Liars would be saved and she would be a hero.
Mike thought this was a very shitty plan, and far below her normal standard of Hyperreal plotting, but he went along with it because he loved her. And she promised to meet up with him sometimes, in the woods, after she fake died. But now she keeps not showing up at their rendezvous points and Mike’s thinking maybe she is dead for real.
Wait, is there actually a chance Mona might be alive? Seriously? Jeez, what if she is Big A who was only pretending to be Little A working for a Bigger A? Gods, she’s my favorite villain in history. Be alive, you perfect little psycho!
Aria meets up with the Liars and tells them everything, about Mona, about Mike, about how they maaaaybe made the wrong decision when they formed a human shield to keep Ali from escaping from the police. Spencer’s face. Listening to Aria Montgomery reveal all these plot points to them that she figured out on her own, you can tell Spencer is starting to understand for the first time how Johnny was hardcore ruining her life.
If some people in this room don’t ship Sparia, they just need to say it.
Fine. I ship Hannily.
Me too.
D:
The Risen Mitten breaks into Mike’s room to do a bicep workout. Gotta get ripped! It’s almost beach season!
The biggest most hugest thanks to Nicole (@PLLBigA) who totally called that thing about Mona and the blood way back in the middle of last season, and made these amazing screencaps, and always has the best PLL scoop on Twitter!
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that ol’ razzle dazzle, innit.
Surely is.
why is it every time emily and ms.marin are in the room together, i feel like they are one scene away from jumping each others pants? emily has chemistry with everyone but i feel like with ms. marin its off the charts.
also, apparently we are going to learn who A is in four episodes, for real this time. on tumblr someone has broken down the previews and says that Aria is A. thoughts?
I feel like you’re completely correct about Emily and Ashley. Their chemistry has always freaked me out. It’s like how Spencer and Jason have such crackling chemistry. I want it to stop!
If Aria really is A, that would just … I don’t even know. HOW could that be possible?
RIGHT!!! I literally replayed that scene just because the energy around them was so charged.EVEN before they said anything. but its weird too, nothing can happen, ashley marin would seize to be ashley marin if anything happened.i think the world between these two is best explored in fanfic.
remember a season or two ago when we would watch an episode and be like “it would be lovely if aria was in this show”. that she seemed so immune to the trauma the other girls were going through, so it makes sense to me in a way. Honestly, ezra was the perfect A so now they really have to sell the “real A”
A is not going to be revealed. There’s going to be a big reveal about A. The writers don’t control the promo department for pll and Spent the next day on Twitter doing damage control. Follow the writers on Twitter not the official account.
I feel like those poor writers spend half their lives damage controlling the promo people.
For a second I thought this said “porno people”.
Dammit!! i was really looking forward to that
So, Marlene King has very strategically shied away from saying we will find out exactly who A is, BUT, she has also SPECIFICALLY said that
1) We will see A without the mask/hoodie
2) We will see their haircolor
3) We will have enough information to figure out who A is.
My money is on either Aria or Toby.
I think A is going to be a boy, I don’t think the writers would make the mastermind of torturing these girls another girl again…plus they love giving us hints with movies and unrelated dialogue, so now that we know about the trial of the century I think it’s safe to say it’ll be a boy.
After to this episode I started thinking A is going to be Andrew…he seems to be around for a few episodes almost every season, he’s always being suuuuuuper helpful like when he gave Spencer her speed.
Toby has time to run errands for his family but zero time for Spencer. That’s the issue. Spencer was basically the rebelling teenager trying to get attention….from her boyfriend.
As much as Jonny sucks I liked how he made Spencer look like an even better criminal.
Toby knows that if he spends time with Spencer she’s going to ask him things he can’t tell her and tell him things he can’t know.
Well a relationship where you can’t talk to one another is still a bad relationship.
“I’m working on this new theory where Pam is A and this is all an elaborate pantomime to teach Emily a lesson about not talking to strangers.”
That’s crazyness. Nobody would ever do that!
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/02/05/sheriff-boy-kidnapped-to-teach-him-a-lesson/22961305/
Holy shit. I take it back.
It was unbelievable the level of douchebaggery employed in this episode with Johnny (UGH FUCK JOHNNY), Eric, and pre-confession Mike. It’s disturbing how awful every guy is on this show, and how it just reinforces my misandric worldview. (Except Caleb. Because there’s always that one guy who will be saved in the Matriarchal Culling.)
Also, that dance scene with Emily and Hanna was…umm…quite wow. Me gusta. Shay can dance like whoa.
Matriarchal Culling! Hahahahaha!
Thanks to your description of dancing I now have abs like Hanna, is how hard I was laughing.
Also I was gonna say Johnny was Larry, Spencer could totally be a Piper. I’m not sure about Aria as Alex, except for maybe their kind of gothic looks and their astronomical height difference compared to other humans.
I keep watching that Hanna scene over and over. I have watched it more than any other scene in TV history and it still hasn’t lost its luster.
If I tried to watch it again I would implode!
You should at least watch the GIFs.
– They name dropped Jenna. Please let her come back.
– Mike, if you’re doing something shady, then the word you need to live by is S-U-B-T-L-E-T-Y.
– I actually like what Aria is wearing this episode. That star on her back is adorable.
– Yes to Aria and Andrew. He’s mature, which she likes, but not OLD.
– Stop focusing on Hanna during the dance. I want to see Emily.
– Does Johnny drive a VW bus? What a hipster douchebag.
– I want to draw your attention, once again, to the fact that Spencer can pick locks.
– I’m going to have to side with Toby on this one. Spencer, when you act shady, you can’t blame Toby for acting like a cop…when he’s a cop.
– That pizza that Hanna was nomming on was the worst pizza I’ve ever seen.
PS – Mike was going to use Mona’s blood to make a Mona wolf that would hunt Spencer at the end of the Hunger Games. Until then, Mona Wolf would hang with Foxface Wolf, because Hanna’s not into zoophilia.
Spencer is A: http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/spencer-is-a.98/
Or maybe Mike will make a Mona clone.
http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/is-mona-a-clone.1060/
If Mike makes a Mona clone, I retract every mean thing I have ever said about him.
100% agreed with actually siding with Toby because duh he’s doing his job THAT YOU SUPPORTED AND ENFORCED, SPENCER.
And I ship Andrew and Aria. Unfortunately, Andrew is probably going to turn out to be horrible too, but for now he and Caleb are the only decent guys around.
I understand that investing in this crazy wonderful show requires an insane ability to suspend my disbelief but there’s something that’s been bugging me for almost a week now…Didn’t Spencer and fucking Johnny vandalize the roof of a building? Did they tear down the entire building because of spray painted rabbits or were they always going to tear it down? Did that gallery owner hang chunks of roof in his gallery? If they were already going to tear it down, does the gallery now have an asbestos problem?
Maybe I should just go watch Hanna and Emily dance again – that seemed to stop my brain…
I think it was an awning!
Well that just makes too much sense!
I thought it was the roof, too, because of the ladder, but then I was like, “I don’t care where they painted. I still hate that ass so much.”
I’m so glad that someone else has been confused and annoyed. Maybe in rosewood they have technology to transfer stuff from concrete to canvas. Idk… I think I’ll take your advice and just watch them dance for the 1,000,000th time. I will never get tired of that magic.
So here’s a question. If Mona isn’t in the barrel, who is? It would have to be someone we already know, and it would have to be shocking.
My guess: Cece.
Oh my god! This episode was so full of dancing and all kinds of craziness with Mona maybe being alive but probably still really dead that I forgot all about #whatsinthebarrel!
Oh, shit! NOT CECE! Why can’t it ever be Johnny in the barrel?
It should always be Johnny in the barrel
Can we make “Johnny in a barrel” a thing when people get their comeuppance? Kind of like “Johnny on the spot” for people who are ready for anything?
For example: That asshat from PLL is totally Johnny in a barrel with his mansplaining. It’s no wonder the coven of Rosewood Young Lesbians crucified him.
Yes!
Ezra read Aria’s college essay. #JohnnyInABarrel
This is great! I love your take on Toby’s arrest scene. “You’re super under arrest.” “Spencer, where’s Aria?” Bahaha. Good riddance to Johnny Barndweller, and Talia, too! And yay for Supportive!Emily and for the laughs I get from Detective!Aria.
Yeah, I actually really love Detective!Aria. She’s one of my top five favorite Arias.
All this Sparia VS Hannily is stressing me out! And what about Spemily? D: D: D:
It doesn’t have to be so dramatic, but Spencer is so dang competitive!
This was hilarious and that shit about the trial of the century just made my head explode.
It’s so crazy It’s like the genesis of victim blaming culture in our country, kind of.
Yes! Heather, including the explanation of the Trial of the Century was amazing, and really showcases how intelligent these writers are to drop in these kinds of references. (Ditto for contextualizing that movie from last week’s episode that Mike was watching.)
Hanna Marin owns angry contemporary but Jenny Hartmann remains the queen of angry pizza ballet.
Miss you every day, Jemma!
My money is on either Aria or Toby to be A.
The Toby theory goes that Bethany was actually his sister, and their mother, Marion, was Jessica DiLaurentis’s twin sister. (This would explain Jessica’s interest in Bethany, the yellow dresses in the piano, and Toby’s going-nowhere subplot a couple seasons ago about finding out what happened to his mother in Radley.) Toby becomes A to get revenge on the people who killed his sister and mother.
Interestingly, there’s a subtheory of this where Bethany is actually Marion’s daughter by Mr. Marin, Hannah’s dad, and Mrs. Marin is the “Black Widow” at Jessica DiLaurentis’s funeral.
The Toby as A theory makes me sad though, because Toby is one of the less objectionable males on this show, and him being A would make his relationship with Spencer really predatory and gross.
I am still hoping that Aria turns out to be A though! This Tumblr outlines the Aria has multiple personality disorder/is A evidence really well:
http://idontneednoroad.tumblr.com/ariaisa
http://idontneednoroad.tumblr.com/ariaisa2
http://idontneednoroad.tumblr.com/ariaisa3
Yes, there’s a substantial amount of flimsy evidence like “the shovel is pointing towards her” and “her hand is kind of shaped like an A if you squint” but there’s some good stuff buried in there too. I find all of the allusions to movies and books about people with mental illness around Aria particularly compelling and subtle, not to mention all the As in her shots — just look at the Ace of Hearts on the Christmas Tree in UnMasked.
Aria being A is probably the only way I will ever like her though, so that’s why I’m clinging so hard to this theory. :(
Well, that was quite a mindfuck!
It took me like 4 hours to read through those Aria is A links, and while a number of the posts are far too absurd, I’m really intrigued with the wardrobe and set items that are scattered around Aria.
As a Fine art grad student who drives a Volkswagen bus I just want to say; we are not all like F***ing Johnny. He does not deserve that van.
I cannot express my hatred for him. The massive Douche. I have never spoken Italian to make myself look good to a girl I liked and simultaneously piss off her boyfriend…well maybe when I was in high school…but not as an adult guys.
My hatred for him burns like the ginger of Van Gogh’s beard.
Also Emily telling Hanna she loved her made me tear up a touch which I needed what with the Johnny/Spencer lip lock…Vom. Plus Mr Talia…also vom.
Can there be an Emily and Mrs Marin advice chat show…I’d watch the hell out of that.
Glad I’m watching on Netflix so I don’t get spoilery promos :) however I have considered Aria may be A from episode 1…gleaned from comments that that’s what was suggested…?!?
Hat, I know you are not Fucking Johnny!
Also, yes to your advice show idea.
I had Hanna’s dad so much. This is why I’m not sad to have one. Does he not know how college admissions fin aid works? You can just say $1000 a month and be done with it.
Does any parent on this show know anything about how college works, really? Or any of the Liars, actually? Please recall the way Spencer applied to UPenn in the woods one night at one of Noel Kahn’s ragers. Like she gave her application to Cece at 10pm, literally in the forest in rural Pennsylvania, and then by midnight she had an email like, “Thanks for your application!” And Spencer was all, “And that’s college taken care of.”
God, I miss Cece.
I couldn’t even get through half of this recap – “it’s a-me, Mario!”
I’m literally crying for the past 10 minutes, laughing. this is brilliant.
Thank you for laughing at that! I was afraid it was too narrow of a joke!
I can’t stop laughing at the play by play of Hanna’s manic dancing. Brilliant.
I can’t stop laughing at Hanna’s manic dancing. Truly, it was transcendental!
It reminds me of a Dr Seuss book. I shed more years laughing at that play by play than anything I can think of. Pure magic.
Thank you for another glorious recap. I completely forgot that anything had happened other than the dance scenes.
I rewatched this in tandem with the previous episode, where Hanna’s dad is such a jerk. Found myself talking about how to legislate to stop people in Hanna’s situation not being supported through college by A-hole fathers, and then realized I’d lived in N.America too long. The obvious answer being that college should be free for everyone and paid for by higher taxes on wealthy cuttle-fish-brained idiots like Hanna’s dad.
Preach it!
To whom does one write to start a petition to give Shay and Ashley a dance scene in every remaining PLL episode ever?
I don’t know, but if you find out, tell me, because I will canvas door-to-door for that cause.
The Trial of the Century stuff made my brain explode. Thanks for being smart and researching that for us, Heather.
Now I’m thinking that A is either Wren or Ezra…an entitled, older dude who felt jilted by Ali.
But I would absolutely LOVE it if Aria was A. She’s been such a useless and annoying character, and having her actually be the villain would be fantastic.
I am seriously hoping that Johnny just leaves and never comes back. His character could not be more useless.
I can’t wait to see how this pageant rolls out. Emily in a swimsuit? Yumerz!
In case anyone needs to just watch the dance sequence over and over, I’ll just leave this here…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ID5JvizhY
I refuse to believe I’m the only one with this video set as a tab whenever I open chrome?
No regrets.
Heather, I just love how seripussly you treat pop culture, the themes you bring out of this show, the little things you notice. You’re such an inspurration – your writing is funny, but not at anyone else’s expense, and as ridicmewpuss as this show can get, you don’t dismiss it as trash. You keep pulling things out of it that other people wouldn’t stay still long enough to notice – it’s truly amazing to read!
^ I write in cat puns. Cats are always relevant. End of! Also, Autostraddle totally condones this, as I was in the comment awards :p (Life goal achieved!)