Spencer and Toby are still a little awkward with each other due to him laying down the law last week and her breaking it because her favorite thing to do besides drink coffee is break laws. Spencer is feeling an extra tenseness on top of the Spoby tenseness (which is on top of the tenseness she feels because of being an omniscient ghost ninja’s constant prey which is a tenseness  on top of the regular everyday tenseness of being a Hastings), and this new tenseness is that she’s only been accepted into colleges that exist in tropical paradises. No Ivys at all. I can’t tell if she’s mad she didn’t get into any Ivys or mad that she didn’t apply to any Ivys because they’re all too close to Rosewood/A or mad that her life’s never gonna be as fabulous as it was in her noir fever dream. Toby tells her Hawaii seems neat, and a good place for her to be so she doesn’t get him fired from being a Pennsylvania cop.
WHAT’S BEHIND ME? IS IT A GHOST? TOBY, IS IT A MONSTER? WHY IS THE HAIR ON MY NECK STANDING UP!
Heyyyyy!
They don’t have time to work out their deal because fuckin’ Johnny peeks his head through the blinds, which is his first step in unleashing his truly systematic awfulness all over town. I hate this guy!
Watch this asshole right here, just watch him.
First of all, he invites himself right into Spencer’s living room and pays for his first and last months’ rent in pennies, which I thought was a funny joke at first, like it only costs 50 cents to rent the Hastings’ barn because basically you’re just leasing your own casket, but no, this motherfucker thinks it’s ever so charming. And then, he starts purring about when he went to Italy and rode the trains and sailed the gondolas and made like gluten-free pasta out of peat moss and wild berries that he foraged for in the Alps while using pig slop to craft sewage paint to make garbage can art. Okay, and then he starts rooting around in Spencer’s wastebasket without even asking and when she offers him a sandwich like maybe he’s only acting like some kind of absurd Portlandia character because his blood sugar is so low, he laughs in her face about sewage paint and starts gathering up an armful of banana peels and turnip skins.
What in the free range fuck are you doing in my kitchen?
Thank fucking god, Mona texts from heaven and Spencer kicks Johnny outside to his imminent shovel beating.
Aria goes to The Grille to meet “Holbrook” but he does not show up and instead it is Jason who is there because Ashley stood him up. They decide to eat together so Jason can plant a bunch of lies about Alison into Aria’s head and tug on the loose threads of her half-formed fears and sanity. Somehow she finds it easier to trust the man who once videoed her and her middle school-aged friends in their underwear and was caught taking picture of the inside of her nose than to trust Alison who has always been a little mean but totally honest with her.
Hobo House of Former Chickpeas
Mona, it’s Hanna. If it really was you that sent that text, call me back. I will run away with you. I’m sorry it took me so long. Call me. Love you. Bye.
Spencer: I rushed right over when Mona texted me from heaven! What’s the science, guys?
Hanna: The science is that ghosts don’t have fingers, and I am telling you that as a person who was accepted to both Columbia and Cornell.
Spencer: I need to lie down.
Caleb: There’s no time! Whoever stole Mona’s laptop from Aria’s useless hands has accidentally tripped some kind of tracking device that Mona installed to alert you guys in the event she was killed and Aria fucked up everything.
Spencer: Let’s go, I guess. It’s not like I need to be doing any homework. It’s not like you have to be able to read to get into Hollis.
Hanna: I can’t. I’ve got to go break the heart of Pastor Ted, the one grown man in this town who has never tried to molest any of us.
Spencer: Whatever, I know you’re going home to swim around in your college acceptance letters like Scrooge McDuck in a vault of gold!
At Predator, Talia is still on Emily’s junk, this time about the hole in the t-shirt she is wearing. Talia, get it together, man. What kind of lesbian person tells Emily Fields she doesn’t want a peek at her collarbone/shoulders? A dummy lesbian, that’s who. Talia wants everyone to wear polos and ponytails because her type is “JC Penney catalog model,” I guess. Emily is like, “I’ll tell you what, Talia. Why don’t you remove yourself from my jock and I will not remove your face like it is a mask you are wearing over a different mask so you can pretend to be the boyfriend of a girl you want to finger-bang. Okay? How about that, Talia?”
It was inside a lighthouse, and I just stabbed him, right in the guts.
Well!
Frankly, “fingerbang” is all Talia needed to hear.
So Caleb and Spencer go to this storage place where Mona’s laptop was activated, but they can’t get inside the specific storage unit because it is locked. Obviously, Spencer does not view this is a problem because she has bolt-cutters in her car, one time taught a class on lockpicking to the other Liars, and also carries dynamite on her person at all time like a cartoon coyote. But before they can gain access to the unit, a teacher from Rosewood appears from nowhere and starts complaining about the smell and the blonde girl who keeps showing up with sacks of dead bodies in the middle of the night.
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– HH, it was Alison who took pictures of Aria. Jason just developed them.
– Talia wants girls in polos and ponytails because she’s seen pictures of season one Emily.
– What kind of storage unit are they at that they have those huge air ducts?
– I noticed that when Spencer was standing next to the haz-mat suit, that it seems to be sized for her.
– So Aria brought Hanna some flowers? Is she trying to make Spencer jealous?
– Was Alison even in this episode?
– Next episode, Hanna taps that keg and has her some Mona distilled alcohol.
According to Jason Ali was the one to take the photos.
Well, lacking evidence to the contrary, that’s what I’m going to run with.
Hilarious as usual, especially the screenshot captions!
Kept refreshing the page waiting for you recap to come up, thank goodness it’s finally here.
Thanks for the laugh, can’t wait for next week!
Honorable mention to the Tweet that appeared on the TV which Marlene up on her Instagram!
“I bet Alison would have eaten Emily’s Empanadas” Too freakin funny!
The couples are all going to break up this season so that Sparia and Hannily can be official by the end of the series. Mark my words.
And Monison. Because Alison would respect the hell out of Vanderjesus for rising from the dead, and then they’d scissor.
Even though I ship Haleb to the point that I almost cried when the spinoff was announced, THIS WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER THAN ANYTHING.
Well! I accept that as fact!
is it too much to hope for to see emily in that off the shoulder thingy she wore when she was talking with paige?
Ugggghhhh Johnny is the WORST, what a goddamn blow-hard. And yeah, Ashley, you should probably marry the only man in town who seems to be capable of not hitting on your daughter or any of her friends. So fucking creepy that Jason can go from having sex with Hanna’s mom to hitting on Hanna’s friend the next lunch. Gawd, he’s creepy. All the men on this show are creepy.
“The Barrel of Erised! Hanna will see Mona, Emily will see Paige, Spencer will see Emily, & Aria will see fork earrings. ” – this was the best. Fork earrings, oh man.
HH, love this recap. It was your trademark mix of hilarious and insightful.
Two things:
1. Is anyone certain of the Liar’s ages right now? We just moved three months in like one second after spending several years in a couple months. Is Emily 18? I don’t know whether to ship kissy faces with terrible Talia or blow Aria’s rape whistle. As someone who is entirely anti-Ezria it’s really making me hit the brakes on the obvious eyefucking Talia is throwing her way. Can anyone confirm? Because Talia is like a professional caterer right? She’s gotta be grown.
2. Can I talk about how well Pretty Little Liars captures the single parent dynamic with Ashley and Hanna? It’s something that isn’t talked about often but we really saw it at the end of this episode when Hanna held Ashley after she rejected the only non-pepohile in town. Single Parent/Child relationships so often walk a fine line with the parent treating their child as Child/Best friend/Spouse. The children shift between those roles as best they can, like we saw in this episode. They often also take on the role of parent as Hanna did in the kitchen questioning Ashley about her tryst with Jason.
The second thing isn’t related to your recap I just think it’s incredible writing as someone who is the eldest child of a single mother.
Re #1 – at the very least it is about 18 months after Ezria began. In terms of teenage maturity at 16/17/18, that is a big difference.
(And #2 is such an excellent point!)
#2 continued:
Like I can’t help but adore Momma Marin every time she waltzes across my screen. They just nail it on the show with every verbal exchange Ashley and Hanna share. That they are in this together, they built this life together with/for each other. It reminds me of growing up, and the way my mother and I spoke to each other. Often more like equals than parent and child. It’s an excellent portrayal.
I thought there was that time like 2 seasons ago but 5 years in normal people time…but actually before Hallowe’en in senior year…but then about 780 days happened between Hallowe’en and Thanksgiving so just…I don’t know…there was that thing (oh my God why are there so many loose ends in this show – who tried to drown Jenna, where is Wren, who is red coat, why did NO-ONE ask Mona who red coat was, because she must know, because she spoke to her that time when she entered Radley aaaah why do I care, the writers don’t even know, but I’m angry that I seem to remember more of this than the people who write this show) AAAANNNYWAY, there was that thing where Emily was now 18 and would be tried as an adult, not a minor, for something or other…there was a video, I think, but not one of Ian’s ones? I’m rebinge-watching atm, so may be able to clarify in a couple of days :p
Emily’s birthday was in November. It was that time Paige distracted her with an appointment to see a pro-trainer while she and Aria and Spencer set up her surprise party and then Emily came in all cranky and went off at Paige just as everyone was yelling “Surprise!” then she had that talk with her by the water about College, where they finally accepted what they had both been dreading (that they were not gonna be together next year) and we all cried and Emily started emotionally distancing herself from Paige because she couldn’t bear to lose her too, having already lost Maya and Alison.
Also I agree so hard about Ashley and Hanna – that’s what I’ve always thought. So much of the plot-based writing on this show is so fucked, but the emotional scenario stuff is so true. Like the queer girl who loves her best furiend Emison dynamic, or the being manipulated by that older guy who you think is the love of your life thing. Also I am basically in a Hanna + lesbian Caleb (except he is no longer lesbian enough and I hate him since stupid Poebirdswood) relationship at the moment. My male partner in crime (who actually introduced me to OITNB) said the other day he might get an undercut…
Maine maple syrup farms, knitted cardigans, intellectual television shows, and vintage typewriters… sounds like the Pinterest board of my heart. Note to self: find a girl who shares this vision. Oops – PLL discussion, right, carry on.
^ I’m glad it’s not just me who was thinking this!
I swear I am not a nitpicker who delights in pointing out errors to writers! But I have to tell you that “Toby and Caleb go back to his place to freak out about what’s in the barrel, about their fingerprints being all over the barrel, about how neither of them can talk to their boyfriend about the barrel because he is a police officer now.” should be “Spencer and Caleb” because it changes the meaning :/
When Caleb looks at Spencer he only sees Toby. That’s how in love Caleb and Toby are.
hahaha so true about aria’s feather extensions! i thought the exact same thing because i remember writing about them in 2011 for my college paper.
hilarious recap, heather!
I know I am super late to the party, but I just need to say how happy I am that Heather’s recaps (my favorite things on the internet) are now on Autostraddle (my favorite place on the internet).
Emily’s face when Talia asks her to check out Ezra’s ass is priceless…upchuck in 5,4,3,2…
Johnny’s like that friend in college who studied abroad in Italy for five minutes and came back unable to talk without Eurosplaining the hell out of every conversation. It makes zero sense that Spencer would fall for that shiz. That said, he has to be an A plant, right? Maybe playing up the crunchy vagabond thing while he secretly keeps tabs on Spencer and the Liars??