Hello and welcome to a new era of Pretty Little Liars recaps! I’m your new (and fourth and hopefully final) host, Intern Grace, and every week I’ll be recapping the shit outta this show for you to read with your eyeballs! Some things you should know before we dive right into this three-episode recap are that 1) I have been watching this show from the beginning and 2) I kind of enjoy it? I don’t not like the show. I think it’s campy, and I enjoy how intentional parts of the script seems to be, especially with regard to obvious visual symbolism. There are plenty of things I don’t particularly enjoy about it, but there will be lots of time to discuss it later! For now, ONWARD!
Episode 506: Run, Ali, Run
When we last left the liars, Toby’s house was exploding! Ahh!
Ahh!
Toby runs into the house ala Lassie as the liars receive a message from A asking if those bitches missed her. Spoiler alert: They did not. A would be impossible to miss, at this point, given that we’ve now officially been talking about A for more than ONE HUNDRED EPISODES. Christ on a fucking cracker. Veronica Mars woulda had this guy within half a season, is all I’m saying.
Anyway, Toby’s house explodes again, but after some quick opening credits, we learn that “no one was inside the house, thank god,” which is good news for Spencer but bad news for those of us who want a meaningful and lasting plot point.
TWO more seasons of this, you say??
Later (I guess), Ali says “guys, what does this mean?” and holds up her phone with the “did you miss me” text because she is new to this game.
I know you’re pretty limber, but that’s just not physically possible.
The gang comes to the conclusion that Shana couldn’t have been A, which we already knew because there are still two and a half seasons of this show left. Aria continues to feel sad inside because she killed Shana and won’t talk to the police about it for some reason, despite being a young, pretty, straight, financially stable, white woman who acted in self-defense.
Maybe Aria killed Jenny
Then we flutter our butterfly wings and fly an indeterminate amount of time over to the cafe where Hanna runs into Ravenswood Caleb. (Ravenswood Caleb is distinguishable from Rosewood Caleb by his Inigo Montoya-facial hair and the lingering smell of a failed spin-off.) Caleb plot-expositions that the police determined that Toby’s house exploded because of a natural gas leak. Hanna plot-expositions that she hooked up with other people while Caleb was in Ravenswood. They are both very grumpy.
He’s mostly ogling the fact that Rosewood can still support a traditional print newspaper.
Smash over to Aria and Ezra hanging out in Ezra’s apartment as Aria continues on her season-long panic about killing Shana. Ezra is ignoring her, however, in pursuit of his dream to be a teen detective as he looks for a connection between Ali’s mom and Bethany Young (the girl buried in what they thought was Ali’s grave).
Ezra: Mrs. D was on the board at Radley Sanitarium. Bethany was a patient there. Bethany was buried in her yard in the same spot Ali was buried.
Aria: You think A killed Bethany and Mrs. D.
Ezra: That would be a connection.
Come on, it’s not fun unless we’re both making farm animal noises. MOO WITH ME.
Aria skitters off to school because she is a child while Ezra stays and continues researching because he is an adult. He assures her that they’re “going to get through this,” and I can only assume he’s talking about their relationship that still eeks me out.
Sidesweep over to Spencer, dressed as an extra on Deadliest Catch, grabbing some books from her bedroom. She’s interrupted by her dad who wants to know why she and her mom are living in a hotel.
Argh, matey
Spencer plot-expositions that they know he lied about where he was when Mrs. D died and that she knows he takes the kind of pills that killed her! Ahh! Spencer asks where he and Melissa were the night Mrs. D died, and then WHOOOOOOSH we’re in the cafeteria where Spencer is telling Aria that he and Melissa went somewhere to talk that night but he didn’t elaborate at all.
Aria didn’t realize it was Dress Like Your Favorite Discovery Channel Show Day
Aria gets a phone call from Ezra for no reason, and Spencer immediately knows they hooked up again. They sing “A Boy Like That” from West Side Story until the other liars join them at the plastics table.
Spencer plot-expositions the group that Toby is in the hospital, but before we can get an even bigger helping of telling-not-showing, it’s time for more Tyra Mail! This time, it’s a special video for Ali of A burying her mom! Wowza.
Oh man, this article about how scissoring is a real thing is surprisingly legit.
Spinning through space and time, the liars are chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool in Hanna’s (?) kitchen, talking about scissoring techniques. JK, obviously they’re still talking about A! Spencer is upset because any one of her family members could be A at this point, but Ali is MORE upset because, um, A is a psychopath who is targeting her specifically.
Wait, when was the last time I changed my tampon?
Ali says she wants to skip town again, but Emily says no because all of her girlfriends keep leaving or dying. Maybe the last two seasons of the show will entail Emily solving the mystery of why all the queer women of color in Rosewood keep getting murdered! Anyhow, the liars tell Ali she can’t leave because the whole world is watching her, which freaks her out because running away is all she knows.
Lesbian Intervention
Disco dancing across town, Spencer hangs out in the Radley waiting room, presumably to gather more intel on Lonely Murdered Girl Bethany Young. After a near-miss with Detective River Song and co., Spencer tries to talk to Lamb about Lonely Murdered Girl Bethany Young, but he only says he can’t talk about it.
Morals? Yawn.
Somewhere else in the universe, Hannah and Ali are walking downstairs together, presumably after having steamy PG-rated sex. The doorbell rings, and Ali jumps out of her skin. Don’t worry, Ali, it’s just Travis, here to imply that he hates it when Hanna drinks and to have this conversation:
Let’s see your “everything is okay” face.
She kisses him and then rolls her eyes when he walks away, which is surely a good omen for their relationship. Back inside, Hanna catches Ali on the phone making plans to run away again. Hanna protests, but then this happens:
Hanna: Ali, wait.
Ali: I’ve made my decision, Hanna.
Hanna: So have I. I want to help you.
Meanwhile, down on the farm, Aria and Ezra are digging through his files for information on Lonely Murdered Girl Bethany Young. Blissfully, “digging through his files” is not a euphemism, as Aria tells him they CAN’T GET BACK TOGETHER, OMG. Clearly, they are about to get back together. But before they can process their feelings anymore, Detective River Song shows up! Aria hides elsewhere in the apartment before the detective can see her.
Subtle.
The detective questions Ezra about Shana because the police aren’t as dumb as our protagonists think they are. He denies knowing anything and feigns surprise when she asks if it’s a coincidence that he was shot the night before Shana was and that Shana was found in a theater his family owns. They reenact this conversation from episode 503:
And then the detective notices Aria’s stuff sitting on a table and leaves without mentioning it. Wheeeeeeeeee.
Same.
Elsewhere, Paige is toweling off from a swim when Emily springs around a locker at her like a stunt in a cheap carnival dark ride. Emily demands the list of people conspiring with Mona, citing “they probs blew up Toby’s house” and “stop being mean” as reasons. Paige is resistant and says Ali is the woooooooooooorst, but Emily tells Paige that she’ll feel bad if something terrible actually does happen to Ali.
Listen, we don’t have to be friends, but I do want my harness back.
A brief scene where Spencer tricks her parents into talking about their problems occurs. It’s like The Parent Trap but without the hijinks or LiLo.
You’re going to Dinah what?
Hanna is helping Ali plot her great escape! She’s being generally an amazing friend, offering her clothes and money and a ride to the train station, which is not as good as a ride to the airport but better than a ride to the bus station, in my opinion.
Her whole fist? No way.
Guys, what if Hanna is A. I mean it. I want to believe.
Back in Ezra’s den of sin, Aria is continuing to panic and convinces Ezra to move all this weird shit to a place where no one would think to look. He agrees but is immediately distracted by the contents of an envelope that was left on his doorstep. It’s this:
spoopy
Signed by none other than BETHANY YOUNG! THE PLOT CONTINUES TO THICKEN.
Emily bursts into Hanna’s room to plot-exposition that Paige told her Lucas and Melissa are working with Mona, but she quickly susses out that Hanna was planning on helping Ali skip town!
How dare you send me a Bustle link. How dare you.
Emily is rightfully mad, and Hanna derails and accuses Emily of banging Ali, and it’s all a good example of unproductive communication. Everyone needs to just calm down and have some tea, I think. Go outside. Pet a dog.
We cut over to the unusually dark swimming locker room just long enough to see a dead rat fall out of Paige’s locker! Womp womp, busted.
THESE ARE PROBABLY THE WORST PIES IN LONDON
Ali is alone in her house for no reason other than for some action to happen in this episode. She collects a bunch of money and fake IDs from her room and puts on a scarf so we all know what’s coming, because before she can leave, a hooded figure attacks her and chokes her with it.
Someone should tell them that breath play is unsafe.
Emily, coming in full of vigor from her fight with Hanna, attacks the attacker, but A escapes those meddling kids once again. This conversation happens:
YES
NO
No explanations are given, AND SCENE.
Hanna heads over to Caleb’s house because why not. She confesses that she was helping Ali leave and says she would be happier if Ali weren’t around. Caleb tells her that her discontent would still be there if Ali left. Hanna asks about Ravenswood and is like “do you constantly have your own little side adventures,” and Caleb is like “yep,” and Hanna is like “…me too.” And then they both take a drink to illustrate that Hanna is meant to be with Caleb and not Travis.
tru luv
Smash cut to Ezra and Aria, who are both taking a drink of water to illustrate that they’re meant to be together and that they’re wholesome, which is gross.
Same.
Aria tells Ezra to go to the police about getting shot by Shana, and he says “nooooooooooo hey look at this video tape I have of the mystery person dropping off the Bethany package from earlier!” It’s Lamb, the guy from Radley with morals!
The liars sans Hanna reconvene to go over the happenings from the day/night/timeless void. Aria shows the others the picture Bethany drew, everyone says something funny and in-character, and then Ali receives a new message from A that says “See how easy it is for me to kill you? If you leave Rosewood, I will.” So that’s a “no” on leaving, it would seem.
My boobs don’t look like that at all, this fanart is terrible
Some period of time later, Ali and Emily are alone on a bed and talking about their feelings. Ali says she owes Emily a lot for saving her from certain scarf-ridden doom.
Emily: It’s getting late. You want me to take you home?
Ali: I don’t want to be alone tonight. Can I stay here?
(Emily makes a face.)
Ali: We’ll just sleep. I promise.
Mhmm.
Emily is down for this plan. Alison immediately passes out, but Emily stays awake either out of general discomfort or in an effort to be protective or because this is a lot for a high schooler to deal with and I can’t imagine any of them ever being able to sleep again.
“I like watching you sleep. It sorta fascinates me.” – Edward Cullen
Spencer meets her mom at the Brew, where she plot-expositions that Toby isn’t going to be in this episode. Mrs. Hastings says that they’re moving home but Mr. Hastings is moving out, and Spencer cries because this not the kind of problem she’s used to. There’s no Nancy Drew-ing her way out of this. It is what it is.
Oh no, Spencer, don’t cry
It’s the next morning, and Hanna’s starting the day by eating the live frog of talking to Travis.
Hey there, second-string
She invites him out to lunch, and he tells her he can’t because she’s not in it to win it with him. She looks sad but like, we all know she’s going to end up with Caleb, so it’s hard to be tooooooo sad.
We Wonder Woman-spin back over to Radley, probably after school? I don’t know, time has no meaning here. Anyway, Aria is applying to volunteer at Radley. Ruh-roh, hijinks are coming!
Nope, definitely no ulterior motives here, just pure altruism
Emily swings by to pick up Ali for presumably a trip to the sex toy store, when suddenly, a wild detective appears! She uses Being A Capable Detective! It’s super effective!
Hello I am the only adult on this show
She tells Ali to come down to the police station with her dad later to answer a few questions about Shana. The detective is onto them, big time. Right after she leaves, A texts Ali “time for the caged bird to sing,” which mostly makes me sad about Maya Angelou.
And that’s the end of the episode! Oh, also A sends flowers to Bethany’s parents. Also also, I looked up the detective’s name since they almost never say it on the show, and she’s actually a lieutenant! Lieutenant Linda Tanner. Anyway. Let’s move on to the next episode invigorated with this new knowledge!
Episode 507: The Silence of E. Lamb
Welcome to the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children have homicidal maniacs hot on their trail! Emily’s mom is here for a parent-teacher conference with a new teacher and to tell Emily to invite all the members of the Final Five over for dinner.
“Emily, who is that?” “Alice says her name is Shane.”
The liars convene in the bathroom like a bunch of teen dirtbags. Ali is immediately suspicious of Emily’s mom, and Aria says she’s gonna be volunteering at Radley, and Spencer reluctantly agrees to help Ezra with his research. I feel like if Ezra had been more willing to put his files on a computer like a human and not a cylon, this whole process would’ve been waaaay streamlined. Regardless, Ali agrees to go to the dinner, and Hanna says something mean and quickly exits stage left before Ali can comprehend Hanna being snarky at her.
Let’s go out back and smoke a joint, this is stressing me out.
The others follow Hanna out, but Ali stops Emily to ask her to walk her home after school. Emily is visibly uncomfortable but comforts Ali as she panics about teachers finding out she got attacked because that’s where we are in our lives. This weird moment is broken when Sydney, that new swimmer, walks in and comments on Ali’s scarf so we are immediately suspicious that she is A.
Now kiss.
After the opening credits, Emily is talking to Syd the Kid at her locker about Paige and the rat incident. Sydney says she doesn’t think it was anyone on the team because “everyone loves Paige. LIKES HER, I MEAN,” so now we know she probably has a crush on Paige AND that she doesn’t understand rat symbolism. The point is that Paige isn’t at school and that Sydney probably won’t be a background character for much longer.
Wait, am I the center of the chart?
Emily stops Mona in the hallway and asks what she knows about this, and Mona’s like “you’re going to have to narrow it down, I participate in a lot of hijinks.” Mona says the rat thing grosses her out and then greets Sydney, which grosses me out.
Basically.
Mona: A dead rat has “boy” written all over it.
#misandry
Somewhere else at Rosewood’s School for Tortured Teens, Hanna spots Caleb reading a comic book in “preparation” for his high school exit exam.
It’s not Lumberjanes, so what’s the point.
They chat about Alison, and he criticizes the liars for being too willing to do whatever she wants at the drop of a hat. Admitting that she agrees with him, Hanna says that she wants to get out but is worried about losing her friends, so Caleb reminds her that he’ll always be there for her unless he’s doing a spinoff. True love. Sidebar, Hanna’s makeup looks great; I am very into her latest rebirth.
Like a grrrl-rock phoenix
Sometime before, during or after school, Aria is volunteering at Radley! She’s carrying a thing and is wearing a nametag and looks super helpful regarding whatever ambiguous task she is doing. More importantly, she runs into Lamb, who acts like he doesn’t know how he knows her. Aria acts like she’s never met him before. This is exhausting, everyone just talk and be friends!
Basically.
Prancing on back to Rosewood High, Caleb and Ali run into each other in an otherwise empty classroom to take their “exit exams,” which are confusing to me as a concept because it means Caleb is done with school but Ali is admitted back into school? Whatever, not important, it’s a device to give these two a private scene.
Careful with this pen, it’s probably a symbol for the heat death of the universe or something.
Caleb says Ali is a tornado w/r/t leaving debris in her wake, which seems mean to say to someone immediately after mentioning the fact that they were supposedly kidnapped for several years.
Then we flash bang wallop back to Radley where Aria finds a way to sneak Bethany’s drawing into an art class. Conveniently, she finds Bethany’s old roommate, who’s “having a day” and calls Aria a thief for stealing her drawing, but she’s also black so I’m already worried she’s going to get killed off.
I want more for you than this, Rhonda.
We swing over the the Hastings house where Spencer is confronting Melissa in their yard for exposition and metaphor reasons. Melissa says their dad is ok and that Spencer’s sober coach left food out in the barn.
What are we getting at with this scene? Eh.
She moves to throw away a bag, presumably of gross food, but Spencer intercepts it and finds a dead rodent inside! I think it’s supposed to be a rat, but it looks more like something else. Melissa throws out the rat-thing and says she has to go wash her hands because of symbolism.
Ohhhhh, it’s a whole other hole!
Caleb swings into Hanna’s kitchen with a six-pack of beers and a heart full of mirth because he walked out of the test! “Because algebra and civics, they don’t mean a damn thing in the real world,” he says, which is not ok with Hanna.
How do you keep buying all this booze?
Because I look like I’m 30.
But she SOS summoned him for another reason, and that reason is WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ALI??? Caleb thinks Hanna needs to calm down because she’s trying to break up with Ali anyway, but Hanna is mad because she wants to control this situation! How embarrassing will it be for me if they don’t end up together after how loudly I proclaimed that they would in the last recap? Only time will tell!
Spencer shows up at Ezra’s door to help him move all his files so she can drive them to his friend’s secret shed or whatever. Neither Spencer nor Ezra look overly pleased, but Spencer lets her guard down enough to ask to borrow one of Ezra’s spy cameras without specifying who she would be spying on. Ezra hesitates but agrees.
The face of someone with nothing to hide.
Across the universe, Emily runs into Mona standing outside Toby’s exploded house. I like to imagine Mona had been standing there for hours waiting for Emily to walk by, but I digress. Emily’s like “j’accuse!” re: the rat, but Mona says that she’s transcended beyond rodent-themed bullying.
Truuuuuuuuuuuue
Star-sweep to the shed where Spencer and Ezra have just finished moving all of his boxes even though somehow neither look sweaty or like they’ve been doing any physical labor. Ezra admits that he’s disappointed in himself for biting off more than he could chew with his book and that he originally wanted to write about his family. In turn, Spencer admits that the spy camera is for her sister. He advises her to walk away from the whole thing (in a friendly way), and she tells him to take his own advice. Honestly, I would watch a show of the two of them solving mysteries together. Like The X-Files but with teenagers who make poor choices instead of aliens.
Aliens.
Mulder no.
Back at Radley, Aria is doing something else ambiguously volunteer-y and unsupervised when Rhonda sneaks up behind her and demands the drawing back. Aria gives it to her, but before she can get any valuable information out of her, Lamb walks in. Rhonda goes off to take a shower. It’s a weird scene, and it bums me out that all the women of color apart from Emily are either irredeemably crazy or dead.
Siiiiiiiiigh
Later, Aria waits for Rhonda to leave her bedroom to take a shower so she can snoop ala Harriet the Spy. She doesn’t find anything, but when Rhonda comes back before Aria can escape, she hides under Rhonda’s bed? Sure, why not. Rhonda comes back in and lays down, so now Aria is trapped, but she found Bethany’s sketchbook under the bed, so that’s something.
Do you think I would die if I ate this gum I found under here? Probably not, right?
Meanwhile in Hanna’s Kitchen Of Processing, Emily busts in the door and “j’accuse!” re: Hanna bailing on dinner with Ali for no good reason and in the process admitting that she keeps track of Hanna’s menstrual cycle? Wha? Em, I love you, but it’s hard to sympathize with you right now.
Trying to decide if this is the moment to confess to keeping a menstruation spreadsheet on Google docs
Hanna says it’s hard for her to be around Ali right now, and when Emily defends her, Hanna asks if they’re involved. Emily gets weird about it, which is probably appropriate since Ali is also weird about it. Hanna agrees to go to dinner because she needs something to do for the rest of the episode.
It’s time for Our Dinner With Alison! Everyone is super uncomfortable, including me. I’m so bad at social situations like this, where everyone has motives and no one is being honest but everyone is being polite. Emily and her mom go off to do dinner things, so Ali seizes the moment to tell Hanna to stop seeing Caleb because she doesn’t trust him. Hanna tells Ali to fuck right off forever and then decides to drink a bunch of vodka, which was nice.
This jacket makes me look like sex, and that’s what counts.
Eventually, the fearsome foursome sits down to dinner.
Would this be a bad time to bring up the flaws of capitalism?
Hanna is tipsy but holding it together impressively well, Ali is lying her face off about being kidnapped, and Emily looks like she’s so stressed out she could get her period early. Hanna digs into Ali, saying there’s no one in the world like her, so Ali offers to help Emily’s mom clear the table, which is crazy because literally everyone still has a full plate of food.
Look, all I’m saying is that tax inversions are bullshit, I don’t think that’s as debatable as you’re making it seem.
Emily correctly guesses that Hanna has been drinking, to which Hanna responds, “I needed something to wash down all the bologna we had at dinner,” which is probably my favorite line of the season so far.
Later, Emily tells Hanna she’s driving her home because she’s being drunk and unhelpful. Hanna brazenly tells Emily that her mom doesn’t believe Ali and implies that the plan is unsustainable.
Emily “Loyalty Until Death” Fields
An unspecified amount of time later, Aria is walking to her car, presumably after escaping from under Rhonda’s bed. Lamb stops her and asks what she’s looking for, but she’s like I’M LATE I’M LATE FOR A VERY IMPORTANT DATE and scurries away. Lamb calls Ezra. I’m sure we’ll hear all about it in a few scenes.
Baaaaaaa
Later, Aria and Spencer are flipping through Bethany’s sketchbook. It starts out pretty standard-issue but quickly devolves into something much more sinister. With the original sketch the liars had in the new context of the book, the story becomes clear: Bethany saw Toby’s mother die in the fall off the roof of Radley, and she knew that Mrs. DiLaurentis was a part of the cover-up, so she broke out of Radley only to be killed with a shovel, possibly by A. Spooky. Also whoever they commissioned to do the art: Good job, it looks really great.
No, THIS is the vulva. You’re pointing to the actual vaginal opening.
Apparently Emily dropped Hanna off at the Brew, because that’s where she is now. Sydney is also there, and after an awkward introduction, she offers to “wait it out” with Hanna, who is supposed to be drunk but looks 100% fine to me.
Hi, I’M Sydney, and I’ll be your murderer this evening. Do we want to start with drinks or appetizers or are we ready to order?
They sit down and eat some cheese and talk about Toby and Jenna’s house exploding, as one does. Sydney gets Hanna to admit that she’s tired of fighting someone else’s battles and that she could imagine a world where she made up with Shana I MEAN JENNA.
This is just like the “Friends” coffee shop but also nothing like the “Friends” coffee shop.
Spencer and Melissa are fighting in the kitchen about their parents.
Grumpy Conspirator
This conversation happens:
Melissa: Parents… parents are not supposed to stop loving each other.
Spencer: This is not about love. If it were about love then there wouldn’t be bodies buried in backyards up and down the street. This is about lies. And whispered conversations that stop when somebody walks into a room. It’s about Alison. What really happened to her. And what happened to that poor girl who ended up in the ground.
Melissa: You’re right.
Spencer: I am?
Melissa: But it’s still about love, Spencer. Sometimes people do things they can’t explain, things that they regret. But it is still about love.
Which I kind of liked! It was pretty on-the-nose, but I liked it. It was touching, and I like to believe that there are very few people in the world who act in ways that are completely selfish and cruel, so I feel like this was a good conversation for them to have at this juncture.
Same, always.
Later or maybe concurrently, Emily and her mom are talking about the Dinner ‘O Drama. Mrs. Fields tells Emily that she suspects that a) Emily and Ali are “more than friends” and b) Ali’s kidnapped story is a lie, so Emily’s mom is batting a thousand on this one. Emily says that she’s figuring things out with Alison.
Heyyyy, I haven’t awkwardly brought up your sexuality in a few scenes, mind if I sit down?
Mrs. Fields: “You may have saved Alison once, but you don’t have to keep saving her.”
AND SCENE.
Then we transform into shooting stars and whirl across the galaxy back to the Brew, where Sydney is bringing Hanna a coffee to go and offering to drive her home. Hanna is like “yes I MEAN NO” because Caleb walks in and buys three brownies for some reason? So Sydney leaves and Caleb sits down and blah blah blah Hanna and Caleb make out. The brownie situation is not addressed.
Are you gonna eat those all by yourself, or?
Meanwhile, Spencer is lounging in her room, experiencing the wonders of what’s essentially a remote stakeout via the magic of Ezra’s spycam positioned apparently on her window? You guys, I have some questions about this show, but my biggest question right now is “why did Spencer need a spycam to look out her own window?” Anway. She sighs a lot to indicate that she’s bored, but then, like a bolt of tortured blonde lightning, who should appear on the camera but ALISON HERSELF! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!
Sigh, I love it when NSFW Sunday goes up early.
Emily calls Paige and leaves a really nice voicemail about the rat situation!
And how discrete is your shipping? Ok, perfect.
And then she ends with “I love- I’d love to hear from you,” which was brutal, but before she can gay process her gay feelings, she gets an SOS text from Spencer, which means the liars have to congregate in real life because apparently no one has introduced them to Google Hangouts! Listen, if the Orphan Black clones felt safe using a group Skype call, I feel like the liars would be a-ok.
Aria is on her way out the door when Ezra shows up exclusively to tell her that Lamb set up a meeting with him and never showed. We DeLorean ahead in time to when Spencer is showing Aria and Emily the footage of Ali cutting through her yard. Emily points out that Ali is wearing a different outfit from the one she had on at dinner, and then everyone talks shit on Hanna for drinking at dinner.
But why be supportive-concerned when you can be the mean-concerned?
Hanna swings in on a vine George of the Jungle-style right as the other three receive a text from A saying “New York, New York, it’s a hell of a town. Ali’s keeping secrets, maybe that’s because of Hanna’s big mouth,” which doesn’t make the most sense, but there you have it.
Hanna, why did you drunk-text us “Sparia rulez”?
Somewhere presumably on Earth, A steams open an engagement invitation addressed to Emily’s mom, so now we’ve been reminded that Aria’s mom is getting married and A is going to do ENGAGEMENT HIJINKS!
Jinkies.
And that’s the end of that episode! Everyone take a break, get up and move around, maybe run to the bathroom, make some more popcorn and gird your loins as we move forward into Part III of our Pretty Little Liars marathon!
Episode 508: Scream For Me
The liars are in a choir singing “What Child Is This,” which sounds like a joke but isn’t.
Seriously.
Immediately outside the choir room, Lieutenant Tanner is grilling Ali about Shana. Ali says she doesn’t know anything and derails by positing that it was her imaginary kidnapper who killed her mother. Lieutenant Tanner says “the police have many theories,” and I’m crossing my fingers that this seasons ends like the movie Clue.
BUT HERE’S HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED
Ali reenters the room. After some disparaging remarks against Hanna that make me really angry and some more talk about the cops being hot on their trail, the girls find another message from A in their sheet music.
Ooo, good one.
I wonder how many times A has left messages for them that they never found. I bet the town is littered with them.
Emily and Spencer meet Hanna at her locker and confront her about how she is probably developing a drinking problem, which bums me out mostly because we just did an addiction story last season! Oh well. They’re mad at Hanna for “almost outing” Ali’s bogus story at the Drama Dinner with Emily’s mom, which is bologna because literally no one believes that story in the first place.
I mean, you can have my second-hand, gently used plot if you want it, I guess.
Aria is outside the school in the morning (?) calling Ezra about things she definitely could’ve just texted when suddenly her mom shows up!
Hello, still a character
She reminds Aria (and us) about her Very Big Engagement Party this weekend and also wants Aria to be her maid of honor! And to come to the bridal shop with her this afternoon, except Aria is going to be busy Scooby Doo-ing it up over at Radley, so she blows off her mom and heads back into school.
We dog paddle over to the moody swimming locker room where Emily is not-very-subtly trying to see how much Hanna told Sydney about the Shana and New York. Sydney either doesn’t know anything or plays dumb and goes on to ask Emily how she feels about getting offered a position as assistant coach of the swim team. When Emily doesn’t know what she’s talking about, Sydney says this amazing thing:
And we have four and a half seasons of proof that it’s not the first one.
And then leaves.
Hanna is on the phone with Caleb about meeting for lunch, and he calls her “babe” so now we know they’re officially an item again. Ali walks up, and Hanna apologizes for what happened at dinner, and Ali asks if they’re cool, and Hanna lies and says yes. Ali then proceeds to invite herself over to Hanna’s house for the weekend, which is clearly a ploy of some kind, and Hanna agrees to think about it. She will probably say yes because otherwise this scene was pointless.
Ok, let’s try it again, only this time I’m going to stick my tongue in your mouth.
Toby’s back! He and Spencer are going over Bethany’s fucked up sketchbook in Spencer’s kitchen. You know, for a group of people who are seriously (and maybe rightfully) paranoid about being watched, they sure have a lot of important conversations in a space that Spencer shares with Melissa The Known Conspirator.
Do you eat my popcorn chicken Kid Cuisine?
Anyway, Toby is enrolling in a police academy, and Spencer is upset, probably because she has something against 80s comedy franchises or something.
Orphan Black season 3
Aria is snooping around Radley but is immediately busted. She learns that Lamb doesn’t work there anymore and then gets busted AGAIN trying to return Bethany’s sketchbook to its home under Rhonda’s bed because after four and a half seasons, it’s still amateur house at Haus of Aria.
Now kiss.
Rhonda says she won’t rat on Aria for a price. The price turns out to be root beer and generic Cheetos, and my suspicion that the writers were watching Orange Is The New Black when they were writing her character grows exponentially.
Funfetti cake with chocolate icing?
Rhonda tells Aria that Mrs. DiLaurentis used to sign out Bethany and take her to the circus and gave her a horse and just kind of generally spoiled her. Before Rhonda can plot-exposition too much, the nurse who busted Aria the first time busts them AGAIN and kicks Aria out for giving soda to a diabetic.
Back at the Marin house, Hanna returns to find Ali spinning her sob story for her mom, who TOTALLY BUYS IT! YOU GUYS! Hanna is every shade of over it, at least, hallelujah. #blessed
Oh hey, I was just lying to your mom, do you want in on this?
Hanna and Caleb are drinking booze in Caleb’s car because all the cops in town are too busy unraveling Ali’s lie to care about under-age drinking laws. Hanna wants a sandwich and heads into the Brew, which they were apparently parked in front of? I don’t know, I’m just a girl in the world trying to recap this show.
Literally just piss.
Hanna presses her nose up against the window, which is endearing but probably is meant to signify that she’s already drunk. Aria’s mom’s fiance Zack comes out of the Brew and tells her he closed early to get ready for tomorrow’s Very Big Engagement Party but that he’ll make her a tuna melt if she wants. Apparently, this is code for “creepily hit on you.” It’s extremely uncomfortable, so Hanna busts a move on outta there.
Go fuck yourself forever, dude.
Aria sends Emily an all-caps text that says “BIG RHONDA SPILLED BIG BEANS” because apparently she’s a fucking 1940s newsie, both linguistically and w/r/t sensitivity. Before Emily can respond, Sydney creeps into her room to give her an assistant coach’s jacket she ordered for Em.
Yeeeeeesh
Then Sydney brings up having a boyfriend in the way straight people do when they’re talking one-on-one with a queer person and then accidentally mentions Emily going to New York. Emily tells her she was never in New York, and Syd is #busted.
Somewhere else in the timeless void, Aria is printing out copies of pages from Bethany’s sketchbook. Her mom comes in and asks how Aria could miss their appointment at the bridal shop. Womp wooooomp.
Oh, you said “maid of honor”? I thought you said “most inconsiderate person alive”.
Later, Hanna and Caleb are whiskey-drunk and hanging out on separate pieces of living room furniture. Hanna wants to leave, but Caleb wants to make out, which is not going to happen because Hanna feels weird about what happened with Aria’s mom’s fiance and blames her short skirt.
;(
Hanna: “I’m just drunk and tired, and I want to go to sleep.”
:(
Back to the angsty choir room!
Nope, other angsty choir room!
That’s the one! Spencer and Emily are talking about the multitude of reasons Hanna might not be at school today, including “avoiding Aria” and “chasing down (her) morning muffin with malt liquor.” But then Hanna rolls in looking roooooough and with a Rice Krispy Treat stuck in her hair.
“What a way to start the day.” “It’s 5 p.m.” “Great.”
She tells them about the weird moment with Zack at the Brew, and they aren’t immediately supportive, which I’m mad at them for. Spencer and Emily ask if she’s reading too much into it, and when Hanna says no, they ask if she was drunk. Hanna leaves, and I have to pause the show to take a break because I’m so mad at everyone. Fuck you guys, you’re supposed to be her friends.
Sidesweep over to Hanna’s bedroom, where Hanna’s mom is looking for Hanna to make sure she’s at school, I guess? Instead, she finds Alison, who tells her that she couldn’t sleep last night because she kept hallucinating someone trying to break into the room, so she slept in a cabinet. Mrs. Marin tells her to take the day off, and I can no longer tell if everything Ali is a lie. My gut says “yes.”
Oh hello, I didn’t see you there.
Later, Mrs. Marin offers to take Ali out to dinner since she hasn’t left the house all day. She agrees.
Emily and Spencer head over to the stable where Bethany’s horse was kept because why not. They meet a guy who works there, and even though he’s instantly annoyed with them, he tells them about “the bucket incident.” Apparently, Mrs. D told Bethany to call her Aunt Jessie, but Bethany had a meltdown and threw a bucket at her.
Can you point me back to Stars Hallow, I’m supposed to work a shift at the diner later
Spencer asks if Alison was ever with them, but the dude doesn’t know and tells them to leave before the storm blows in because metaphors can be really intense on this show. Spencer says ok and then does the opposite.
Hanna is eating a meal alone in her car in the rain when Zack gets in the passenger seat, and I say “nooooo” out loud to myself in my bedroom. He tells her it seems like they were both feeling the same “vibe” and gives her his number, which she tears up as soon as he leaves. Gross, dude. Gross.
I hate you so much.
Meanwhile at the Casa de Marin, Hanna’s mom is making dinner reservations for herself and Alison. The storm is appropriately wild outside, and the camera horrifyingly pans to the knife set for a brief moment immediately before A breaks into the house in a way that can only be described as Scream-esque.
What’s your favorite ABC Family Original Movie?
Mrs. Marin sees A right as Ali comes down the stairs. A runs away, dropping a knife in their wake, and Mrs. Marin CALLS THE FUCKING COPS LIKE A GOD DAMN ADULT HUMAN.
Lieutenant Tanner arrives and questions the dynamic duo about their horror movie showdown. They feel certain that it was a man, but Tanner questions Ali until her story and reasoning quickly collapse. Valiant defender and maternal figure Mrs. Marin gets in Tanner’s face and tells her to “catch this psycho before he strikes again.”
I like her face because she always looks like she’s about to say “yeah ok whatever.”
Aria is folding placards for the engagement party that will probably happen in the next episode when who’s at the door but a rain-soaked Hanna Marin! It’s very romantic. She’s here to discuss the pressing matter of the fact that Zack is a giant pervert in a way that awkwardly reflects Aria’s relationship with Ezra apart from the element of Zack also being a cheater.
You’ve seen the music video for “All The Things She Said,” right?
Aria flies off the handle and tells Hanna that she’s always the problem, citing Hanna’s recent drunken loose-lipped tendencies as evidence. It’s not relevant to the issue, but Aria has an ax to grind and a little sexual harassment isn’t going to stop her. Aria throws Hanna out of her house.
First Spencer’s addiction storyline and now my older man storyline? WHEN WILL THE THIEVERY STOP, HANNA. WHEN.
This whole situation is The Most Ridiculous. Remember how supportive everyone was last season when Spencer had a drug problem? Was everyone only nice to her because they felt like she was working to solve their problems? So since Hanna is breaking their code of pointless silence, it’s ok to be furious with her? I don’t know, you guys. I’m starting to really turn on our protagonists.
Spencer and Emily are still in the stable somehow as Spencer flips through the guest book in search of Alison’s handwriting, which seems… specific. Emily finds a riding helmet that Spencer is sure belongs to her sister, but before any serious detective work can commence, A locks them in!
I don’t know if this counts as found art, actually, as much as it’s just like, an object.
They’re trapped with a horse that’s spooked by the storm! But don’t worry, Spencer uses her Hermione Powers breaks them out using a ladder and kicking horse? It’s not super clear. It’s fine, don’t worry about it, we’re moving on.
Spencer is back at home tending to a black eye she must’ve gotten at some point from the horse. Toby shows up, and after a quick recap, laments feeling powerless. Spencer apologizes for being mad re: the Police Academy and tells him that she’s excited for him to help put an end to this. It’s a refreshingly open and adult conversation.
I’m gonna level with you, I just want to smoke a bowl and go to bed.
Emily calls Aria, but she doesn’t answer because she’s too worried watching Zack snog her mom. They all sit down to watch a movie together, and Aria looks uncomfortable, hopefully because she believes Hanna.
I have a lot of questions about this seating arrangement.
Elsewhere, Ali is packing her things and getting ready to leave. The break-in at Hanna’s house was too much, and now she’s skipping town for good. Emily and Spencer are a Greek chorus of panic, but Ali interrupts to tell them that SHE ORCHESTRATED THE BREAK-IN AND THAT IT WAS NOEL KAHN. Oh my stars and garters!
Ye gods
Ali says it was to make Hanna’s mom stop questioning her, and now Emily and Spencer look like this:
And that’s all she wrote! We all survived relatively intact! Yay! Join us next week when Jenna comes back and the liars are finally on board with the fact that Ali has lost her mind!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7eb5d_NUr0
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Wow, Grace. I *so* appreciate your mega-review. I’ve stayed tuned in to PLL without knowing *why* exactly—other than the fact that I seem helplessly attached to its Emily-centric gay content. Whatever. In any case, your review shows me that I’m not the only gay girl who *does* follow the show. That said…I must say that PLL has become really hard to actually *follow*, plot-point-wise. There are just a lot of holes, ya know? Still, I’m weirdly….intrigued. So thanks for this review!
lol times one million. thanks Grace!
Sometimes I feel like I’m just swooning over Emily’s perfect hair and clothes because so many things irritate me.
Zack’s evolution into a total creep seems completely unnecessary and forced. Like, no subtlety from this one, blah. Also ,Sydney is wonderfully shady as hell so I’m still counting her as a queer girl without canon confirmation.
PLL 508 “Scream for Me” or “The Liars Show You How Rape Culture Operates And It’s So Sad”
As someone who hasn’t seen the show in years and just reads the recaps here I salute this 6 page epic. Particularly the captions. Look forward to the next one.
Still hoping for crazy randomly inserted magic just to add to the campy drama.
totally assumed Caleb was high high high with some serious munchies with the whole three brownies things.
THIS WAS AN AMAZING RECAP!!! I can’t believe how thorough, but still really funny, it was. Especially given that we had three whole episodes to get through. Probably the best PLL recap I’ve read on Autostraddle in a while. I’m looking froward to the next one. Thanks for this up, Forever Intern Grace.
Welcome to PLL recapping Grace! I was wondering what was up with the recap situtaion. This was totally awesome and hilarious! Great job!
Jeez, this Ali stuff is hard to take! Watching Emily turn into a dope after a couple years of being so strong and confident in herself is very painful for me. I’m really hoping things start getting better soon or else I don’t know how much more I can take. :(
Thanks for the hilarious recap. It doesn’t hurt that I love a well-placed Sondheim joke. Glad to have you writing these! The captions were particularly on point.
Your captions are hilarious. I died at the Sweeney Todd reference and gigglesnorted at ANGSTY CHOIR ROOM. I don’t even watch this show anymore. Did they recast Caleb? Or is it the haircut?
OMG Sweeney Todd for all the win!
I miss lesbian Caleb – she was supportive, had much better hair, and actually cared about her girlfriend :(