It’s that time of the week again! The time where we recount the trials and tribulations of four young girls without a care in the world. Except of course, their murdered friend and just exactly how to make enough time in the day to deep condition their hair. It’s the trials and tribulations of Pretty Little Liars.
We open this week on a bright shimmery day in Rosewood. 7am and no one’s murdered yet, it must be a good day! In fact, today is the day that Emily’s dad returns from his tour overseas because the Department of Family Services thinks Emily is being abused. But before anyone can say much of anything, Emily’s got to get to school. Nothing says teary-eyed reunion like Calculus class.
I know dad. I want to celebrate the repeal of DOMA too but it’s just so hard without across the board same-sex union recognition on the state level.
Outside the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, Caleb and Hanna have a big fight over what type of herbal tea they should have with breakfast. Caleb updates Hanna on his conversation last episode with Papa Marin. Caleb feels pretty damn sure that if Papa Marin’s gun is missing then Ashley took it. Hanna’s not so convinced. She reminds Caleb that a lot of people just use pistols to decorate elaborately themed western parlor rooms. It’s all the rage in Real Simple Magazine.
Caleb you can’t keep bringing home kittens. I know they need good homes but twelve is too many!
Hanna: “Is this what you call helping?”
Caleb: “As a matter of fact, yes.”
Hanna: “Well it’s not. Next time just pick up the lube on your way home from school like I asked and stay out of my business.”
You’re so bad at this. I’ll just get my Hitachi.
Hanna, all fired up from her rage fight with Caleb, tracks down Aria and Spencer on their way into school. Basically she just wants Spencer to nut the fuck up and ask Melissa about the mask. Unfortunately, Hanna goes a little aggro on her friends in the process. It’s okay though, at this point everyone is used to the occasional inappropriate outburst. Just then, Emily walks up and joins the gang. No one is happy. Everyone is sad.
Yeah, the doctor says he’ll let me know later today if I can go back to fingerbanging. It’s been pretty hard.
Little do the Liars know that Detective 2.0 and a brand new woman are watching them. It turns out that the woman is Detective 2.0’s boss/partner/sisterwife and she’s chosen him to figure out just exactly why the Liars can’t seem to make it six months without showing up at a crime scene. They’re also going to get to the bottom of just exactly what makes their hair so shiny. Top contenders include Maybe They’re Born With It and Maybe It’s Maybelline.
Do you think they’re washing their hair with egg yolk? Because I’ve heard good things about egg yolk.
I hope this becomes like Sailor Moon where each episode Detective 2.0 recruits a new Monster of the Week to help him take down the girls and each episode the Monster of the Week fails. Also, I think she’s maybe supposed to be Jewish? Or from New York? Or both? Should I be offended here? Fortunately she seems like kind of a badass.
Shalom motherfuckers.
At lunch, the Liars regroup and complain that Emily’s family wouldn’t be under investigation right now if only they’d told bigger better lies. Much much bigger lies. All of the big lies. Yeah guys, that’s the moral of the story here.
I would love to have this conversation right now, but there’s a girl in a crop top on the other side of the courtyard.
An update on Aria reveals that her BDSM dom Sensei Hot Stuff is still “just fine” and that her mother is still flying off to Austria with Bakery Boy.
Because here I just thought he lived in in Drury Lane.
The fact that I didn’t think to call Bakery Boy the Muffin Man will be the largest regret of my life. I may not recover from this.
AP European History can really get you.
Later, at the Life Cafe, Ms. Hastings is back in town! It ‘s a good thing too. Pam, Ashley and Ella are already embroiled in drama, why not add Lady Veronica Uptight into the mix as well. Uptight, for the record, is Veronica’s maiden name.
This coffee tastes like piss.
As it turns out, Veronica is back in town to talk about how awesome Melissa’s new fantasy job in San Francisco and London is. FYI if anyone wants to give me a job where I commute between San Francisco and London I would be happy to take it. I even promise to find a chick on the side in both places.
Two countries. Two chicks. No problems.
Melissa also wants to talk about how cool it will be when Spencer goes off to UPenn. Except, oops! Spencer didn’t get in! Veronica decides to show off just how terrible her parenting skills really are by refusing to believe that Spencer got rejected. It was pretty sad.
And on my left you can see a fine example of a Grade A One Percenter. Sometimes known locally as a WASP.
Fortunately sister Melissa is all about helping Spencer scam her way in. I mean, UPenn is the best college in the world. Way better than Duke or Stanford or MIT or UChicago or Yale or Princeton or, I don’t fucking know, Harvard. Nope. None of those will do. Now that Spencer’s been rejected from UPenn the only thing to do is to go all Blair Waldorf and scheme her in.
If there’s a UPenn, shouldn’t there also be a MePenn? Don’t I deserve a penn too?
Across town Hanna and Ashley are having a less than ideal Take Your Daughter To Work Day. You know, the kind of day that involve the police showing up to your place of work. Fortunately, Detective 2.0 and Detective Badass aren’t there to search through Ashley’s things. They’re checking out Wilden’s safety deposit box which Ashley just happens to be in charge of.
Now that we all have gloves on, let’s pop open this box of toys and get this party started!
Wilden’s box has got cash, a gun and most importantly, a Canadian Passport.
Shit We Learned This Episode
1. Wilden is Canadian
Wilden, Eh?
Wait. Did Wilden die just before Canada Day? He didn’t even get to celebrate Canada Day 2013?! Oh the humanity!
Later that night, Spencer and Emily talk on the phone. They decide to use Melissa’s mask as leverage to force Melissa to admit that her face is actually a permanent mask and underneath it she’s actually a crab-person.
You’re so hot in your picture. I just can’t wait to meet in real life.
Once they hang up, Spencer does a quick Google search for Dr. Louis Palmer who is maybe a pediatrician or maybe a family practice doc or maybe Wren’s alter ego. Emily on the other hand eavesdrops on her parents. They’re worried about her/the family/drug allegations/murders. You get the picture.
I’m so constipated, I don’t even wanna leave the bathroom.
The next morning Emily tries to deal with this problem head on. She goes straight from her Lesbian Camouflage Enthusiasts of America meeting straight to the doctor’s office to explain everything.
Tell it to me straight doc. What’s my fingerbanging future looking like?
It goes wonderfully and the doc calls Family Services and explains it was all just a big misunderstanding. Just kidding! She makes it worse! Now he really really thinks Emily is being abused and also she has a partial tear in one of her rotator cuff muscles and can’t swim anymore! She might even have to get surgery! With an unpredictable outcome! This is not Emily’s day.
Are you saying I might never be able to fingerbang again?!
Like ever?!
Starsweep across town where Hanna has stalked Detective Badass all the way to one of Rosewood’s many fine benches. Detective Badass is reading a bunch of case files and wearing blue pumps. Reading the case files is significant as those files are probably totally confidential and shouldn’t be read in public. The blue pumps are significant because they’re cute and I want them.
Did you get those shoes at Payless? Because I heard they were, like, totally rebranding.
Hanna sits down next to Detective Badass. I’ve decided she’s a total lezzie. Detective Lezzie Badass
Oh this? It’s just a vegan flaxseed strawberry smoothie and a hand rolled cigarette.
Hanna asks Detective Lezzie Badass a bunch of questions that seem posited exclusively to make her seem guilty. What’s with all of Wilden’s cash? What’s with his gun? What’s with the passports? Who killed Jenny?
Anal.
Detective Lezzie Badass responds the way any perfect middle aged lesbian detective would. By being totally manipulative and digging for the truth.
Or is it more of an imperial period of Tsars around these parts?
She sort of oddly reminds me of a really effective lesbian high school vice principal Is that a thing? Either way I sort of think she’s awesome. Am I falling in love with the bad guy? Someone stop me.
I’m going to love you forever.
Caleb walks up and pulls Hanna away. You don’t ever let your girlfriend talk to another lesbian. Ever.
I can explain! I really do like you! I’ve just liked him longer.
Starsweep across town where the Pretty Little Liars writing staff seems determined to make me stop watching this episode and just proceed to check out girls on OKCupid for an hour. In other words, it’s a TobAy’s mom scene. Dr. Louis Palmer turns out to be the doctor TobAY’s mom saw. He decides to drive up to see the doc that day. You know, because telephone is a nonexistent communication form on TV.
Why am I even still on this show?
Spencer skips the drive and heads over to the Life Cafe to hang out with Aria and Emily and play a round of Veronica Mars.
Okay everyone look at my ass and tell me if I have panty lines.
Just as they’re discussing how to best present Melissa with the mask mold, Paige walks in. Praise the fucking lord. I would not have made it another week without some lezzie action.
This doesn’t look like the Park Slope Coop. I must have taken a wrong turn.
Emily tells Paige about her shoulder.She and Paige softly cry to one another while Paige strums “Landslide” on her guitar. Actually, Paige tries to cheer Emily up by joking about getting a competitive edge in swimming. It’s so cute. I could die. Alone. I probably really should scour OKCupid for another hour in the slim chance I find someone who makes me happy. Wait, what was I saying?
How’d the meeting go? What’s the timeline on fingerbanging?
Emily goes to ask Paige “What if I can’t swim anymore?” but ends up stopping herself short. I don’t think this is just about Stanford either. I think this is about Emily knowing that swimming is sort of their thing together. Maybe she’s scared if she loses swimming she’ll lose Paige too. I cry.
Listen, even if you never fingerbang another day in your life I’ll still love you.
Then they kiss. But not the way high school lesbians kiss. The way middled aged lesbians kiss when one of them just got home from dropping their oldest kid off at soccer but there are still another two kids at home. What I’m saying is high school lezzies use tongue. There, I said it.
It’s okay for TV as long as no lips actually touch.
Moving on, Sensei Hot Stuff and Aria embark on their latest date, getting Aria’s sweater appraised as modern art. We’re treated to yet another round of “oh my god we have nothing in common” as Sensei Hot Stuff tries to explain why Jackie Chan is cool. Right. Like that needs to be explained to anyone.
While walking Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff run into Baby-Ezra aka Malcolm! Such are the problems encountered when you live in a town with only three streets. Malcolm asks why Aria never comes over anymore and Aria’s like “Jeez kid because I’m not bonking your dad anymore.”
Aria do you remember me? I’m a plot device from last season sent to break you and Ezra up!
Sorry, I should have told you my ex-boyfriend was on the shorter side.
After Malcolm walks inside, Sensei Hot Stuff wants to know, you know, who the fuck he is. Remember what I said last episode about the Liars being terrible liars? This goes double for Aria. She’s like, “Oh his dad is my teacher….” Gosh Aria is it really so hard to come up with a lie for why you might not be hanging out with an 8-year-old anymore? Like, I don’t know, that you used to be his baby-sitter? Or really anything that doesn’t scream “FYI I used to fuck my teacher!!” Like, come on.
Seriously Aria.
That’s probably how Aria ends up telling Sensei the whole damn story. Start to finish. All about nailing her teacher. Which is probably, honestly for the best. You know, until A reveals that she got the whole thing on tape.
Just a few holes and straps and we’ll have this thing converted into a great sex swing.
Sensei doesn’t think Aria is over Ezra yet. You know, because she still has her Ezaria forever tattoo.
Sensei: “You know you’re not finished with him, don’t you?”
Aria: “I have to be!”
Sensei: “Are not!”
Aria: “Are too!”
Sensei: “Are not!”
Aria: “Are too!”
Sensei: “Are not!”
Aria: “Are too!”
You still wanna do it?
Aria kisses Sensei to prove her point. He’s not impressed. He rambles on about being “hurt” versus being “injured” which, honestly to me shows that even if he is 35 years old he obviously doesn’t quite get heartbreak. Or maybe I’m the one who doesn’t know anything about heartbreak. It’s hard to say. I suppose he is the wise Sensei here. Fortunately Aria and I have the same response.
Which isn’t too hard because I’m only like 4’11”
Then he mumbles something about everything and leaves, but then Aria asks him if she can call him? Or something? Can I be honest guys, I’m having a really hard time understanding this guy. Either my hearing is going or he is a mumbler. Fortunately not having any idea what he’s ever saying is probably saving him from the Patented Lizz Man Hate.
The next morning TobAy stumbles into some unusually bright and friendly lighting. He’s tracked down his mother’s doctor where he works at a mental hospital.
Future subject of Style Thief
I can’t even with TobAy so I’m going to do this a little differently than usual.
Everything Wrong With This Scene
1. TobAy tracks Dr. Palmer to a park, not his office
2. The doc doesn’t show a flicker of recognition when TobAy says ” TobAy Cavanaugh.” Like a doc wouldn’t immediately remember the last name of patient of his who killed herself in the hospital.
3. The doc doesn’t show a flicker of recognition when TobAy says “Marion Cavanaugh.” See above.
4. Dr. Palmer is vaguely British. Why are so many of the doctors on this show British?
5. Dr. Palmer just openly violates doctor-patient confidentiality
I got to number 5 in this scene when it became apparent that Dr. Palmer is actually a patient at the mental hospital TobAy was visiting. I probably should have seen that one coming. Marlene King, you old bird, you got me again!
Take this box. It has a worthwhile story line in it. You probably can’t use it but maybe someone else on the show can.
But we get a nugget of something before TobAy leaves! Dr. Palmer tells TobAy to tell his mother to stay away from “that blonde girl.” Cue the dramatic music.
Are you saying something seemingly random in Rosewood is actually related to Alison? For real?
Back at the Marin’s, Hanna and Ashley freak out because Ashley’s work has asked that she not take people into the vaults anymore. This could be problematic.
Ashely keeps repeating “This bullshit won’t touch my baby.” Finally Hanna admits to Ashley that she knows that she was in Rosewood The Night Wilden Was Murdered. Mostly just to make her shut up.
Shut up. Shane and Carmen were the best couple on The L Word and don’t you say a thing otherwise.
Across the cul de sac, Melissa gets home and searches the fridge for string cheese.
Is this where I stored my acidophilus?
The house is out of string cheese, but there is wine! Wine and something else. A trap! That’s right, Spencer and Aria sneak outside the window filming Melissa inside. It’s like they’re A! They watch as Melissa finds the mask they planted in her suitcase. I must say, Spencer impersonating Melissa’s interior monologue as she filmed her was one of the true delights of the episode! Maybe even of my entire life.
Girls Gone Wild #27: Masks and Body Suits
Starsweep to Emily’s house where her parents want her to open up. Tell them what is going on with her shoulder, possible drug use, dark mysterious new outlook on life and new collection of cats and Home Depot gift cards.
Cats?! Who said anything about bringing cats home?!
Shay Mitchell might look older than the other three girls combined, but she does a great job of acting like a pissed off teenage. Her parents badger her with questions and she finally snaps at them and runs out of the house.
It’s my life and I’ll wear white pants after labor day if I damn well want to!
They yell down the street for her to come back. Clearly the best way to convince Family Services that no abuse is going on at home is by running away from home and/or screaming at your child down the street. Nice moves Fields family.
Run Forrest Run!
Over at Hanna’s place she and Caleb are in a serious discussion of their own. Hanna wants to start holding a weekly brunch for the other lesbian couples they know, but Caleb thinks that utilizes their mid-day meal privilege and they should instead hold a poetry slam. Caleb also think Ashley is super guilty.
I just want you to want to take up crochet with me.
Just then, Detective 2.0 and Detective Lezzie Badass show up to talk to Ashley. Hanna’s all, “She’s not home” which is stupid. The detectives aren’t buying it. There’s a distinct scent of Ashley in the house. Plus her car is in the driveway. Caleb, who actually comes up with a decent lie, claims that he drove it over because the speakers were shorting out. They also could have said she was out with friends.
Here come the Men in Black,
galaxy defenders. Here come the Men in Black, they won’t let you remember
Ashley walks in just after the detectives leave and everyone exchanges meaningful glances. If I could convey this much through meaningful glances with people I probably wouldn’t spend so much time monologuing about my sex life to my friends.
She’s All That 2: She’s All Thater.
Out in the dark scary woods, Spencer and Aria follow Melissa to Hector’s house. The see Melissa drag a bag of something out. It’s too small to be Hector but too big to be dinner leftovers. It’s probably just her purse.
Big bag of dildos.
Spencer skips off to follow Melissa while Aria goes inside the studio. The reason for which is vague.
This studio is the perfect place to film my zombie apocalypse porn
Now either Hector doesn’t get as many models as he wants, or he’s doing a little extra business on the side because Aria, well, she finds something a bit different. A whole room full of masks of Alison. So much for breaking the mold after she died.
Now kiss.
As part of the Liars’ new campaign to stop hiding and start confronting, Aria confronts Hector with the Ali mask. He explains that he broke the mold but kept the castings. Apparently the bro loves a pretty face.
Alright, chill out. But don’t act like this all didn’t seem sketchy before.
Aria asks if Alison ever came with anyone else. This, of course, cues a pastel flashback. Alison storms into Hector’s office demanding her money for posing for the mask. You know Hector is younger and dumber because he’s wearing a cool-kid backwards hat. Ever noticed how Alison always needs money?
I would love to give you your money but I just spent it all on tickets to Bonnaroo.
Ali takes whatever money Hector had on him at the time, hopped in a car with someone else and hit Rt 30. That, of course, was the last he saw of Alison. Obviously it was the summer she disappeared. Seems like nothing ever happened in Rosewood prior to that year.
Damn bro. That girl can run. This shit is mad dope.
While Aria speaks with Hector, Spencer confronts Melissa. Melissa stands on the doc and smashes, one by one, masks of herself. That’s what was in the sack. Tons and tons of unpainted masks.
When the question was “Do you want to go have girl sex in the bathroom?
Spencer demands answers from Melissa, and Aria demands them from Hector. Between the two conversations it’s revealed that Melissa went to visit Hector after seeing the Ali mask on the Halloween Train. Melissa had made the same deal Emily made; she traded her face for answers.
If sweetened juice made from lemons is called lemonade, why isn’t orange juice called Grapefruitade?
Actually we get a lot of answers. Like the kind of answers I never expected to get until the season finale. I almost don’t know what to do with myself.
Shit We Learned This Episode
2. Melissa and some others were scared of Wilden
3. Melissa and Wilden were both the Queen of Hearts on the A Train
4. Wilden tried to kill the Liars on the A Train
5. Wilden started the fire at the lodge
6. Jenna and Shana were at the lodge spying on the Liars
The punchline here seems to be that Melissa has been trying to protect Spencer all along. That perhaps she and the people she went to high school with are in their own version of Pretty Little Liars. Also maybe she killed Wilden. Unclear.
Even I know the questions on this show are never going to be answered, Spencer. And I’m only in like every tenth episode!
Aria returns and Melissa skedaddles. Melissa is so going to die, right?
Starsweep across town to Rosewood High. Looks like they don’t lock the doors at school at night, because Paige is swimming? Emily and Paige sit poolside. Emily is filled with guilt and self loathing. Paige is filled with adorableness and chlorine. It’s a nice pair.
Then we could ship them as they recovered in the hospital together!
Paige tells Emily she’ll find a new dream, but Emily is concerned that she’ll resent Paige from up in the stands. I want to reach through the TV and shake Emily and tell her that your dreams change. It’s okay that your dreams change. Actually, it’s amazing. If my dreams hadn’t changed since high school I’d be a mechanical engineer slash professional jazz musician. That wouldn’t be so bad, but there are new dreams, maybe better dreams, and plenty! Hasn’t this girl heard “The Circle Game”?!
In season one I was trying to drown you! Now I’m just trying to get fingers inside you!
Paige tells Emily it’s going to be okay. As usual, this means it is so not going to be okay.
Now come on you. I’ll go put some dry clothes on and we can go over to my house and listen to some Sarah Mclachlan.
Emily shows up and her parents are with the police. Someone heard all the shouting and called in a domestic dispute.
Listen officer, I know what this looks like, but actually I’m just a teen lesbian trying to get my bang on.
This is so going to cut into my screen time.
Spencer and Aria get back home and Melissa is gone. A texts the two some cryptic bullshit along the lines of, “Melissa isn’t A.” Well duh.
Candy Crunch is so addictive.
“Sorry this isn’t a sext”
It’s a school night, but no one has curfews so Hanna busts in. She’s being all scared and squirelly and tells them that she thinks her mom killed Wilden. I roll my eyes because not only does this mean Ashley definitely did not kill Wilden, I still think that A killed him herself. A just does shit like that.
The only kind of blow job I ever wanna see.
Last scene of the episode shows A, as usual. This time A is Making a Thing— gluing back together a Melissa Mask.
Shit We Learned This Episode
1. Wilden is Canadian
2. Melissa and some others were scared of Wilden
3. Melissa and Wilden were both the Queen of Hearts on the A Train
4. Wilden tried to kill the Liars on the A Train
5. Wilden started the fire at the lodge
6. Jenna and Shana were at the lodge spying on the Liars
7. Paige swims alone in the dark
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
….so what I got from Melissa’s confessions was that Paige totally threw Wilden across the carriage on the Halloween train? Which I completely approve of.
(Psst, it also seems like we won’t get any Paige in the next 5 episodes, argh)
“I must say, Spencer impersonating Melissa’s interior monologue as she filmed her was one of the true delights of the episode! Maybe even of my entire life.” – I agree. It totally seemed like something Troian adlibbed and they decided to keep.
All the revelations!! I’m glad that Melissa and her insanely awesome clothing aren’t evil. I would totally watch a PLL version of Melissa+NAT Club people because maybe that would illuminate what the fuck is going on.
Lots of facepalms, like Aria being an idiot and saying that Malcom is her teacher’s son (although revealing her whole entire relationship with Ezra immediately afterwards redeemed her a teensy-bit because her idiocy didn’t bite her in the ass as yet another lie to cover up), Toby’s entire meeting with Palmer, Hannah attacking Spencer for “protecting family” in order to protect her own family, and Emily’s insolent tantrum reminded me why I hate teenagers.
The Paige scenes were cute though, especially since they didn’t break-up (which my gf was anticipating with the pool scene ugh that would’ve been brutal). Lezzie Bad Cop is the best. So excited for a competent and brilliantly manipulative cop on this show.
My roommate and I were just talking about wanting a Melissa POV pll show! I am sure that things have been just as effed up for her as for the liars, and she’s probably been through some shit that only exists in marlene’s head so far.
Regrettably recognise Lezzie Bad Cop from Nip/Tuck, show #576879810 that I suffered through in order for some sapphic content :(
Was for real waiting for this recap in order to confirm that we are indeed to believe that Wilden is indeed Canadian (bet he voted for Harper)
“bet he voted for Harper” lololololol
Jeez, if screaming at your kid gets the cops called on you my family would all be in jail. People fight and parents yell. lol
I’m starting to think you’ll never run out of fingerbanging jokes Lizz. I love it! :D
Oh and repeat after me Lizz, Paige never tried to drown Emily. It was not a murder attempt. LOL
All I have to contribute is that Emily looks really good in white pants.
Can we just talk about Hanna’s shirt in the first few scenes? The one with the popsicles and ice cream all over it. Is this actually the sort of thing people are wearing these days and do I need to feel old/frumpy not to know that? Or can I just shoot an eye roll to the PLL costuming department?
This is the costume designer if that helps answer any questions
http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Mandi+Line+Academy+Television+Arts+Sciences+gV3XNa9jOv3l.jpg
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5kixhcFzy9o/UCP-VRt682I/AAAAAAAAM50/38I2SG9p3mY/s640/mandilane.jpg
um how do I post pics?
I wish I knew. I’ve seen people do it on here but I’ve never figured out how. I’ve spent a bit of time trying too.
I also want to know how…
I think it’s also useful to point out that Mona told the truth about Melissa being one of the Queen of Hearts on the Halloween train. I really think Mona is on their side now and they can trust what she tells them.
Clothing-wise: I usually do not like Hanna’s outfits, not my style at all, but that red jacket with the yellow tank when she confronted the female cop was amaaaaazing.
i love this, lizz
Thank you for pointing out which masks were of what people. I have very poor facial recognition skills so every time they would do a dramatic reveal of a mask mold I had no idea what was going on. “Is that Allison? Wilden? The liars? Is that sexy Medusa mask of Emily anywhere around here?” It never even entered my mind that those were Melissa masks.
1) I loved the honesty from Aria and Melissa, usually two of Rosewood’s shadiest. Obviously this show thrives on lies and secrecy but it was refreshing to have some truth for a change.
2) No one but me seems to have noticed this! So maybe I am imagining things! But I am 8320349% sure that Lady Cop bugged Ashley’s office when she “took a butterscotch”
My evidence for #2 – I have watched every episode of SVU at least 5 times, and many many many other episodes of cop shows
Oh my god you’re a genius. She was totally bugging the room.
My main takeaway is that no one delightful enough to write these recaps could possibly die alone.
Wink.
(Is that creepy? Because, um, #sorrynotsorry.)