We’ve taken to referring to Monday nights as “The Night Of Lies,” as it’s on Monday that ABC Family airs its two Sara-Shepard-Novel-Inspired Deception-Focused television programs, Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game. The takeaway here is that Sara Shepard has serious trust issues.

Things Sara Shepard has strong feelings about:

1. Illegitimate children
2. Police corruption
3. Mistaken identities
4. Boys from the wrong side of the tracks
5. Girls from the right side of the tracks
6. Parents
7. Text-messaging

Anyhow, this week on Pretty Little Liars, everybody married bacon!

i want to shoot this commercial in the face

But first, all this other stuff happened!

yup, other stuff. other stuff like this

Mona’s vagina veered haplessly in Hanna’s ambivalent direction as Mona herself has now joined the “good thing I have unlimited texts on my Microsoft Kin Telephone” Zone following A’s sudden interest in Mona’s whereabouts and Mona’s torrid history of mall-level criminal behavior.

the only way to fix this outfit would be to take it off

By the episode’s end, Mona sacrifices her squeaky-clean criminal record to save Hanna’s Mom and Hanna from some police/shoplifting related activities/cover-up, but basically the takeaway here is that Mona wants to hug Hanna with her legs.

you know your boyfriend is such a lesbian that really leaping from caleb to me would be nbd

Despite Mona’s sticky fingers which certainly should’ve reaped a less visually offensive wardrobe, Mona ends up making her debut to the “Friends of A” Lunch Table dressed like Edina Monsoon, but everybody’s too self-obsessed to notice.

a crisp, darling, a crisp

Melissa Hastings returned to Rosewood, where she and her profoundly troubled and freakishly paranoid yet totally gorgeous sister sat solemnly on a bed, staring at the wall while exchanging dramatic snippets of dialogue regarding their father’s illegitimate son, Jason DiLaurentis.

Rosewood River Anthology, Act I

In order to keep the memory of his scandalous conception fresh in Mr. Spencer’s mind, Jason has kept his hair the same exact style since 1991, see:

very Leonardo DiCaprio 1996

Aria and Spencer meet up with an impish extra from the classic Tom Green film Road Trip to buy a post-it note for $2,000.

should've used that $2,000 to get the fuck out of town

Unfortch, when they hit up the address on the paper it’s not inhabited by their intended target of “Vivian Darkbloom” but by Boo Radley. Also, The Haunted House was once a law firm where Melissa Hastings interned. Speaking of Melissa’s complete sketchbaggery, she turns up on this week’s fresh web-only clip of The Incriminating Video, looking extra-wrathy.

i really like her dress in this video though, sidenote

This video inspired all the Liars to give blow job faces:

Oh my god a spot on the waitlist opened up! We're going to A-Camp to Meet A in real life!

So, Spencer hits up The Hospital After Dark Bar to talk murder with her sister but unfortunately, as much as we’d like to see the underager and the pregnant woman work it out over cocktails, Melissa bails on Spencer and FURTHERMORE flees the scene with Officer Douchebag, leaving Spencer alone with the British Doctor, who just-so-happens to be at the bar because this is a television show. Also, the bar is playing Belle & Sebastian.

i swear the ice cream truck just drove by and now it's gone

Spencer consequently gets totally smashed, talks about buttering bread with a steak knife and confesses that she’s so competitive that “I even have to win at yoga,” which is 67 kinds of adorable. In case you’re wondering, Competitive Yoga is an actual thing:

this could be spencer in the future

Also, alcohol transforms Spencer into a Wanton Sex Goddess.

c'mon, i'll even let you suck my toes this time

Ezra and Aria broke up, finally, and Aria cried so hard that her earrings turned into the waterfalls they’ve always dreamed of being.

these earrings are far too ambitious for this relationship

Then Mom changed her tune and volunteered to “listen” to Ezra and Aria explain their love over a piping hot cup of Lemon Zinger. So, ugh, Ezra will never go away, just like The Real L Word, the commercial about marrying Bacon, and the forks in my sink (I hate washing forks).

aria's shoulderpads are designed to kill birds

okay humbert humbert, spill.

Also, Garret spent the entire episode driving around in his car, staring at people.

On a scale of “1” to “blinding,” everybody’s hair this episode was essentially its very own sun, moon, and solar system. In fact, Emily was forced to wear a non-seasonal Whitney Mixter beanie all episode to cut down on the glare.

a) "What!?" b) "what..." c) "what?"

Anyhow, onto The Lesbian Parts!

The Lesbian Parts begin in a mysterious classroom where Emily’s calling Maya for the bajilionth time. See — somewhere between Maya terrifying Mrs. Fields with her rapid psychotic bisexuality disease, turning her bedroom into a fish-tank, killjoying Emily’s Swimmy Shark Party and getting caught with drugs again; Maya stole Emily’s heart and therefore, because Maya has ignored her since aforementioned Shark Party, Emily’s thick into the Psycho-Zone of Obsessive Phone Contact.

next time, i'll be singing "and i am telling you" on your voicemail, so prep your ears for that

It’s thrilling to see Em take initiative for once, as she’s traditionally so fond of tentativeness, but Maya’s a disappointing target.

Emily: “Why aren’t you calling me back? If silence is your way of breaking up with me, then I’m really starting to feel like it–” [BEEP]

Then, before I’m done screaming “BRING BACK PAIGE!”, guess who’s back? Paige, motherfuckers! Despite her apparently consistent involvement with The Rosewood Hammer-Head Sharks, Paige’s managed to remain off-screen all year, but today the camera swings her way and boy is she camera-ready.

p.s. i decided it'd be smarter to drown your girlfriend than to drown you

It seems Paige has given up attempted murder and off-road biking in favor of looking unbelievably hot. Her hair is all just-so-accidentally tousseled, she’s got this Maybe-She’s-Born-With-It makeup situation and she’s clutching an important binder/clipboard object and nothing is hotter than a girl with a binder/clipboard object.

Paige invites Emily on a trip around the block to sell ads for the Sharks program because otherwise Glee Club can’t go to Nationals.

i've been meaning to tell you, i've got this feeling that won't subside, i look at you and i fantasize

Emily: “I’m not really good at asking people for money.”
Paige: “Please, you’re the star of the team. Who could possibly turn you down?”

By that Paige means, “I wanna fuck you like an animal,” because girlfriend is rocking intense Sex-Eyes all episode. Seriously don’t look at Paige’s eyes unless you have a Hitachi Magic Wand handy.

hahahaha no your sex eyes didn't just make me wet, it's just residue from practice earlier

Anyhow, NEXT!

Later that day/week/afternoon/year, Emily and Paige, giddy with delight over their ability to finagle Betty and Eddie’s Pizza into springing for a $50 ad, return from their Walkathon to stand around in an empty classroom and talk to each other.

you a fine motherfucker when you back that ass up

Paige, whose eyeballs remain so interested in undressing Emily that I’m surprised they don’t literally leap out of her head into Emily’s vagina, has news:

Paige: “I came out to my parents.”
Emily: “You did? How did they take it?”
Paige: “They freaked out, a little. Some tears, some screaming but nothing like I thought it would be.”
Emily: “Wow, That’s so great, I mean…not the screaming part, but, GREAT.”

Emily’s distracted, though, ’cause of Maya, and Paige knows it ’cause she’s obsessed with Emily, but wishes it wasn’t so.

so how about another picnic?

And you know what? Paige makes sense. Maybe she didn’t make sense before, but maybe she always has, and maybe she does right now. She’s not wild and unpredictable like Maya or mysteriously wise like Semaraiforgothernamea, she’s just another girl like Emily who is pretty, and likes to swim, and is gay, and can blend in just fine with the other kids but has always felt slightly apart. Paige wouldn’t thrill Emily, but I think she could make her happy. She’s transformed from the alluringly psychotic love interest into the potential “safe choice.”

Paige: “I have you to thank for it.”
Emily: “Me? What did I do?”
Paige: “You handled coming out so well, just made it seem possible for me to do it too.”
Emily: “I don’t know about that.”
Paige: “I do. I watched you.”
Emily: “Thanks… I’m glad you were able to.”
Paige: “I just… wish I’d done it sooner.”

…so that we could be getting gay-married in New York this spring.”

is thinking about synchronized swimsex

Em gets a call– it’s Hanna with an SOS. Paige is like, “is that Maya?” and Emily is like, “No,” and then that’s that.

After some other stuff happens we arrive at one of Rosewood’s many fine dining experiences, where Emily’s grabbing takeout but first spots Maya across the room. So Em darts over, chock-full of psycho-lesbian abandon, only to discover it’s not actually Maya, which means there’s more than two black people in Rosewood, which clearly totally throws Emily off her game.

Em dashes from the diner, fueled by renewed sexual frustration, and she smashes right into Paige, who’s either been stalking Emily or also enjoys eating dinner (it’s wide-open, really).

oh hey i had no idea when i parked next to you in the parking lot that i'd run into you on the wheelchair ramp

Once again Paige is newly compassionate and impeccably styled. Meanwhile, Emily’s got tears in her eyes and Paige urges Emily to dish regarding her obvious dishevelment and Emily does, because Emily is needy and sad and isn’t good at talking to her friends about it, apparently.

cry, babe

Emily: “Maya and I got into a fight the other night at the party, and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know if she’s breaking up with me or… if she wants to work it out. I don’t know anything cause she won’t call me back.”
Paige: “Don’t you see, Em? this is who she is? When things get tough, she bails. I know you really care about her, but you really need someone you can count on.”

For starters, Paige is totally right, but for seconders, Paige tried to drown Emily in a pool. But for thirds, it wasn’t ever really Paige who left Emily — it was Emily who dumped Paige’s closeted ass in favor of that blonde girl we’ve already forgotten about. So it’s Paige who has to re-prove herself, but Emily might not even care anymore.

Then Paige goes for the makeout…

gimme some tongue, fields

…and Emily gives her the fakeout and it’s all very sad and annoying and weird and obviously it’s ’cause Emily is still hung up on Maya, who A has probably axe-murdered by now.

just because i wanna have sex with you doesn't mean i'm gonna kiss you

Shocked and appalled, Emily escapes into the night.

We return to Emily’s Lesbian Parts in the Seasonless Courtyard, where Emily is leaving Maya another voice mail: “Hey I just want you to know that I’m not angry,  I’m just confused and I miss you like crazy. Please call me back. I love you, Maya.”

One scoop of creamed potatoes. A slice of butter. Four peas. And as much ice cream as you'd like to eat.

I mean — GAH! What, exactly, would push Emily over the edge with Maya, then? I mean, I liked Maya, and she’s smokin’ hot and all that but she’s totally shaping up to be one of those girlfriends you can only see privately ’cause nobody else in your life likes her anymore, which is a recipe for disaster, isolation, and Stockholm Syndrome that’ll lead to a fight that’ll lead to you throwing your cell phone at a brick wall, which, I guess, might be a good thing at this point for these weirdos. They should all throw their cell-phones at brick walls.

But of course, I say all this assuming that Maya has indeed bailed, when that might not be the case.   She’s probably just smoking drugs with Jason DiLaurentis, her best friend from True North.

I mean, anyhow, let’s fast-forward to Emily’s last scene when she gets a mysterious knock at the door!

Who’s at the door?

Is it Spencer, looking especially dykey and prepared to switch orientations?

Is it Toby, coming over to stop Spencer from switching orientations and breathe like Darth Vader?

Hmm… well, maybe it’s Jenna, stopping by to say something ominous and weird?

No? Oh, I know! It’s a Shark!

Not a shark? Huh. Well, then it must be that guy who married bacon, right?

NOPE JUST KIDDING IT’S THE POLICE!

hey uh, we've gotten some complaints about a woman dressed in all-black creeping around your yard at all hours?

Anyhow, he wants to talk to Emily about Maya St.Germain. If you want to know why, you should watch next week’s trailer in slow-motion:

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