This week on Pretty Little Liars, the four liars were seen not only with their hair falling in silky shampoo-commercial-quality waves upon their slender shoulders, but also with their hair shocked upwards, outwards, and really just-about-any-way-wards by three cans of hairspray and a truck of mousse. It was amazing.

pirates of the Caribbean gone wild

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Hanna's got a secret, is gonna keep it

Relevant to absolutely no one’s interests, everybody’s parents are falling back in love or missing each other cross-country or otherwise pining/smiling/blushing around one another while being spied on by their psychotic offspring. Except Spencer’s parents ’cause Lesley Ferargitay wasn’t on payroll this week and her Dad spent most of his screentime fighting on the phone with Mrs D-is-for-Drunk Laurentis about absolutely nothing at all that anybody should be concerned about. No really Spencer it’s nothing I promise. Seriously it’s nothing. Really.

you know what i could use right about now? a lesbian scene

Apparently these romances/phone calls have kept all the parents busy enough to forget about not letting their daughters see each other, per the therapist’s orders. So now they can return to playing Clue until 3am when they should be doing calculus or policing their deadbeat/high-strung now-neglected siblings.

god i hate wearing wedges

Hanna remains in denial that her and Caleb are back on the wagon of love until the end when shit hits the fan and he’s still there ready for tonsil hockey, which means now Mona’s the one in denial as her ever-burning love for Hanna’s mystically perfectly symmetrical face and impeccable eye makeup surely will never fade. Sidenote, Mona’s super cute and Alpha this episode, walking around like Miranda Preistly and Andrea Zuckerman’s adopted daughter with her Clipboard and her Important Duties.

Ian Harding was probably in Nevis with Lesley Ferargitay this week, which I believe marks the first Ezra-free episode of the season/show. This gave Aria extra time to develop sexual tension with Jason DiLaurentis, interrogate/offend him and then sort of reuinte with him, albeit silently and sexual-tensiony. Fun fact: Ian Harding (Ezra) and Drew Van Ackers (Jason) and the guy who plays Caleb are all 25 IRL.

the "wallpaper" is for your desktop, aria, not the laptop-top

Spencer and Toby’s romance continues to blossom ’cause he knows how to handle her shit, even if he does talk like a werewolf.

spencer's ears are an erogenous zone

NOW FOR THE LESBIAN PARTS!

We open on somebody’s bed, where the pretty little maniacs are sitting around talking about murder and A because last week A went all multi-media on their asses with this screen-projection deal at the graveyard. If you missed the episode, you can catch “Allison DiLaurentis Didn’t Die” at the 2012 Whitney Biennial.

Anyhow, the takeaway from that bit of macabre performance art is: the video of Allison’s last moments (spent, unfortunately for everyone, with IAN) didn’t end where their cut of it ended. In the Director’s Cut of this suspenseful Blair Witchy film, Allison doesn’t get killed. She gets up and walks away.

So back to the bedroom where they’re folding pamphlets for one of those Fashion Show events schools always throw on television but never ever in real life.

just put your hand on the ouja board, aria, and we can make river phoenix come back to life

There was this person I once dated for a significant amount of time who used to say, “I feel mushy,” when she felt like she had a lot of feelings and wanted to cuddle and feel romantic without irony. This episode Spencer is in full-on mushy-mode ’cause of her sweet burning manhulk love. It’s cute.

we've come such a long way from when we all *secretly* had boyfriends slash girlfriends at the same time

Does that mean Emily’s officially dating Samara now?

Next lesbian scene takes place in Emily’s room where Mom’s lurking in the hallway talking to her husband about how much she misses his big man body in her bed. Emily needs to ask him something about a paper, apparently, and as Emily chats with Dad, Pam stares at Emily’s bed like there’s a suspicious email or a dead baby there.

well sure sometimes we scissor, but usually we just bump and grind

Pam: “I just miss him.”
Emily: “You were just in Texas three days ago.”
Pam: “I know.”
Emily: “What if you stayed a little longer next time?”

i could have so many fun parties! and you could eat ribs every day!

Emily points out that she can pack her own lunch and has a lot of homework so it wouldn’t really matter if Pam just skipped town altogether.

Emily: “I could stay with a friend and then join you and Dad in June.”
Pam: “I’ll think about it.”

This plan has serious potential.

Emily’s next scene takes place at The Restaurant, where Mrs. D-is-for-DrunkLaurentis has invited the girls out to lunch to avoid drinking alone. Oh also she has presents for them. From Allison! It’s dresses Ally made for them! How totally weird!

who else thought there'd be machetes in the boxes

We flash back to Allison’s Dirty Boudoir — apparently Allison got really excited at Jo-Ann Fabrics and made brand new gowns for everyone at some point in the past. I love how every flashback scene now involves a traditional “Straight Best Friend Who Knows You’re In Love With Her and Wants to Keep Your Attention For Her Own Ego” Allison/Emily moment.

Like this one:

uhh yeah except for that "glamour don't" bra strap situation

but would be prettier in a sexual situation

Hanna’s like, “we can’t just march around in her clothes, it’s freaky and weird.” You know what else is weird? How Paige disappeared.  You know what makes perfect sense? Emily’s affinity for baseball shirts:

that's when aria noticed the dead bear at the head of the table with a message on it from A

Allison’s Mom wants the girls to wear the dresses in the fashion show as a tribute to Allison. There will also be photographs projected on walls, which we all know is A’s bag and therefore problematic.

Also, Spencer, always summing up every feeling I’ve ever had in my life with one pouty mouth:

i'm 75% sure i left the curling iron on, i hope nothing burns down

Next up we’ve got Samara in Emily’s room watching her dress and undress. Apparently Samara’s like a tailor now.

why do you smell so good? can i feed on you?

At first I panicked that Samara’s wearing a vest, a scoop-necked tank top, ANOTHER TANK TOP with unnecessary buttons and a gratuitous pocket and a TIE, but was relieved to see that giant abyss around her neck is a necklace, not a tie.

hm, sigh, if only i had a personality

Samara eyes Emily as she undresses and is overall flirty in an encouraging way. Still though, there’s no real spark there, and I wish this show gave more screen time to Emily’s feelings because really, I have no idea how she feels, ever, maybe because she’s spent her whole life covering shit up. I do know that Emily really wants to be loved and have a pretty girl who wants to hold her hand in the hallway, and maybe that girl was Maya, and maybe Maya went to Casa by the Sea and never came back.

come into the closet for just one second i promise it'll be worth it

Emily wants Samara to go to the fashion show but Samara has “plans” with someone else. Sounds like date-y plans, but Emily says, “Bring your friend, I have an extra ticket.”

i hope i'm right about emily being a bottom

I was 75% convinced that Samara’s friend was gonna be Paige. It’s not. Just so you know.

Cut to backstage at the fashion show, where the girls are sitting at their private dressing stations pretending to powder their noses when Samara arrives, dressed for The Peach Pit After Dark with some random Lezzy-Looking chick on her arm.

it's feria, crimson glow, thanks for asking

Not only does “Quinn” introduce herself to Emily like they’re old friends from Montessori but she totally holds Samara’s hand like that hand doesn’t belong inside Emily.

Samara: “Looks like a big crowd out there, I may end up sitting on your lap.”
Quinn: “Wouldn’t be the first time, right?”

Um. Ew?

Hanna's facial expression here is priceless

back off, bitch

When Emily asks Aria and Hanna if they thought Samara/Quinn were a bit touchy feely they halfheartedly say no. Where’s Spencer? Spencer’s complete and total distrust of all human beings would help in this moment.

Hanna: “How come I have no date and you have a date that brought a date?”

Fantastic.

the vest, right? like that vest looked pretty gay?

A few scenes later, Samara returns backstage to see her “handiwork” (that’s what she says) and Emily’s a bit standoffish:

Samara: “That is one lucky dress — Emily what’s wrong?”
Emily: “You and Quinn are just friends, right?”
Samara: “Since the second grade. We used to play dress-up. I was mrs and she was always mister. Would it bother you if I were seeing someone? Not that I am, but if I were –”
Emily: “I was just starting to feel like we may have something.”
Samara: “Me too. But we’ve only been out a few times and you didn’t want to get too serious too fast.”
Emily: “Right, I did say that.” [awkward pause] “I’m gonna go get ready.”
Samara: “See you out there.”

once we got to high school we switched from dress-up to undressing

Oh ew, I hate it when that happens. You know when you say you want to ‘take it slow’ ’cause you basically want to be able to say all of your feelings all the time without it having to “mean” anything and you mostly say it out of self-protection but then she actually takes it, runs with it, and brings another girl home with it? And then you’re trapped: either fess up that you’ve fallen for a stranger essentially by default or go with the flow of the river you voluntarily dived into.

but we've spoken at least 15 words to each other, doesn't that mean it's time to move in

But also? Samara stalked Emily for weeks and made at least two references to visiting her in college in 2013, so you can’t blame Emily for getting the wrong idea.

But Christ how many hot femme lesbians live in the Rosewood area for Samara to “see”?

don't let this rack get away, samara, or you'll regret it every day for the rest of your life

One of the most consistently striking things about these four girls (although Aria slightly less so, at times) is their Tyra Banks-esque ability to model through it. Maybe I’m insane and like, a depressive or something, but every time I worry Emily’s gonna break into a thousand pieces and drown/sob like I may have done at her age, girlfriend smiles with her eyes and models straight on through it.

On to The Fashion Show! The Fashion Show is 45 kinds of amazing and I’m not just saying that because of A’s multi-platform IMAX doomsday spectacular at the end. These outfits are either Halloween Costumes or High Fashion and it really doesn’t matter which. Lizz will figure that out for you.

We’ve got some Pan Am/Boogie Nights/post-hippie/bourgeois-beachwear shit going on and Emily’s dress is totally Quick Release, which is sexy.

I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.

This TV program may be called “Pretty Little Liars” but rarely is this prettiness actually mentioned or addressed. The Fashion Show is the first time in a long time where you can see that these girls are hot and they know it.

so excited for that consciousness-raising group at 6

“Quinn” has seemingly vanished, maybe to dye her hair back to its natural color and return her vest to 2007, so Samara’s cozying up with Mrs.Fields. You can’t sit next to Mrs. Fields and see other people, that’s against the rules.

yeah, i'd fingerbang that

Everyone wins the Top Model Challenge! The prize is an unexpected spy-cam-style photo session with renowned fashion photographer A.

desperately seeking susan/A

And listen. I’m no FashionCapper, but I know a tribute when I see one and this outfit is a straight-up callback to like, all of your favorite things, from the fingerless gloves to the sparkly headband. I had my Intern Grace create this breakdown for you and I think you’ll agree that it’s perfect:

During Allison’s end-of-show tribute The Liars are looking super foxy and everyone’s entertained. BUT NOT FOR LONG.

i got razors up in my hair, all up in there

Suddenly everything gets all Red Light District Death Metal — someone hijacked that tribute video and turned it into a House of Horror. It’s the freakiest and most awesome thing to ever happen to these people and for once The Liars aren’t blamed for it.

Did anyone else see this…

And think about this?

It gets worse:

One last message for the girls after the room has cleared out:

A gets a bit Sadaam Husseiny with the votive candles ’cause she needs her name on absolutely everything to remind the civilians of her sovereign right to absolute power.

never forget

Obviously we silently prayed that Jenna would be in the fashion show with a gem-encrusted cane and Nicole Richie sunglasses but no such luck.

Back at the Fields Home, Emily asks her Mom, “When you and dad were dating did you see other people?”

perfect posture runs in the family

Mom, who’s been consistently interested in the potential drawbacks of Emily’s various smokin’ hot paramours and second-guessed the reasoning behind all of Emily’s questions since the show began, just answers the question:

Pam: “Well, we had that conversation very early on. But I made it clear that if it was gonna be me, it could only be me.”

Good news — Mrs. Fields tells Emily that Ashley Marin, having done such a fabulous job of keeping a roof over Hanna’s head and hiding money in lasagna boxes, has volunteered to house Emily if Pam wants to make it to Texas in time for SXSW.

And really, how many sleepovers can Hanna and Emily have before love begins to blossom, you know? Or maybe I just think that because I’m gay, like Emily, and maybe also like you, or someone you know. Is someone you know gay? Is it A.? Whatever you say, it’s okay.

Half of these images come from the fantastically thorough Pretty Little Liars Fansite.

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