Playlist: Masturbation Month

May is National Masturbation month and I feel bad for letting you know this late in the game. I really hope you’ve been celebrating at least once daily despite my tardiness. I hope you’ve been celebrating SO MUCH that:

  • You’re 60% less stressed out.
  • You’ve been 5 minutes late to every appointment this month.
  • You’ve upgraded to the bulk size lube dispenser.
  • You’ve had to restock your watch battery supply six times.
  • Your fingers are all pruny like you just spent too much time in a hot tub.

In honor of MM, I’ve put together this playlist for you. And lemme tell ya, it was exciting — so exciting that I had to close the blinds and burn some incense and imagine Sadé serenading a clone of Sadé in a bathtub filled with rose petals and surrounded by 100 tea lights. So exciting that my sheets and all my underwear are in the laundry again.

Here’s to self-love:

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Kai

Kai Choyce is a writer, comedian, and cat whisperer.

Kai has written 13 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. Oh masturbation, yeah that’s worth celebrating. I misread it as menstruation…

    • Well don’t let that stop you!

      (Masturbation’s great for cramps, right?)

      • “Hey boss, I can’t come into work today, I have to stay home and masturbate. *pause* No, not all day, but you see, there’s a special month and holiday and everything. *pause* Well, a pot luck luncheon for this might be fun, but undoubtedly awkward.”

  3. I can’t listen because I’m at work. And apparently work hates MM month. But they can’t stop Sade’. I can’t have my toys at work, but that moonlit guitar solo fucking does it. Every damn time.

    • Kids these days huh?
      But uh that song feels like it’s more about sexually wooing somebody to me rather than pure self lovin thy own nubbin.
      It’s the perfect striptease song for sure.

  5. What about the Haylee Steinfeld song that I heard in a Michael’s craft store once with my best friend and the two of us had to pretend like we didn’t know the song was about masturbation (to avoid laughing) while suburban mothers shopped for glitter glue with their children, none the wiser?

  8. #10 Cat Meowing??? Not here to kinkshame y’all but I get enough of this at mealtime …

  9. If you read the playlist titles from top to bottom, it actually reads out like a story…very clever

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