OUR A+ Personal Questions AMA is NOW! 11am-4pm PST

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Today! Autostraddle team members Carmen, Laneia, Nicole, Rachel, Riese, Sarah, Shelli and Vanessa will answer your peronal questions during our Ask-Me-Anything from 11am – 4pm PST! Ask your questions in the comments, get to know our team on a *personal* level.

What can you ask? ALMOST ANYTHING. Some examples:

💜 Who’s our Tiktok/Instagram/Twitter crush of the moment?
💜 What book are we currently in love with?
💜 What are our favorite first-date spots?
💜 How did we become involved with Autostraddle?
💜 What are our thoughts on [insert queer trend here]?

Get creative, pry a little (but be kind please), dig deeper. We want to get to know you!!! Feel free to ask AND share your heart out in the comments.

Let’s goooooo!

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322 Comments

  1. Do you ever think about HOW you think? I’ve realized most of my thoughts are non-verbal, vague shapes and blurry pictures, which then get translated into words when I need to communicate (including communicating with myself). In many ways, writing IS my thinking.

    • Absolutely. My mind works in blocks and I’ve said that like a million times in Our meetings lol. But it actually does, I have a thought and goes into one box, then another type goes in another until I have a bunch of boxes to crack open and get to thinking on.

      As I think I see little windows open and the thoughts go Out I guess as I wrap them up and when I’m in conversation with someone and a million thoughts are happening I say “let me close this one window (talking point) before opening this one”

      Then on paper – you guessed it – I write things out in blocks.

    • wow brenny i literally think of this all the time bc my thoughts are a *constant monologue* that i can hear, in my own voice (imagine if my monologue was voiced by like emily blunt, that would be wild), and it’s honestly exhausting bc my mind is never, ever quiet! i’d pay a hefty sum to convert my thoughts over to vague shapes and blurry pictures.

      • I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking about my thoughts! Is it just a single stream or do you get conflicting ones popping up? Our brains are all so cool and different!

        • a constant stream, very much like what nicole described below! i also have to write things down, immediately, if i plan to do anything about them. sometimes i have to say the thoughts out loud just to slow things down enough that they make sense.

          being a human with a brain is so weird !!

          • I very much relate to the need to slow my brain down by externalizing in some way. Thanks for sharing!

    • That’s really interesting!

      I feel like I think very “in conversation” with myself. Just a ton of little talks. So, very verbal! And unending! My thoughts flow from one to the other, so it can be hard to stay organized unless I write everything down, so I do, and it works super well. I am constantly re-remembering things my past self wanted me to know and do and that helps to steer the mind-ship, which honestly feels like it’s just cruising from one thing to another at top speed most of the time!

      • I love the mind-ship imagery – like you’re cruising along the river of consciousness!

    • ok first of all i’m obsessed with these being our opening question!

      i definitely think in words/monologues, but also in scene? kind of like i’m drafting a letter or an essay or a story in my head at all times. i really love how you say writing is your thinking – i feel the same – one of my favorite writing teachers used to encourage us to just sit down for 40+ minutes a day and write our thoughts, not necessarily like “morning pages” stream of conscious style but just as a way to “wander around our own brains” and get comfortable with HOW and WHAT we think. i still go back to that exercise if i’m stuck.

      • That exercise sounds great, adding it to my toolkit! As sort of a counter exercise, I’ve really enjoyed writing “5 words at a time” when I get lost in all my thoughts and need to ground myself. I pull out a notebook, write the numbers 1-5 out across the top as pseudo column-headers, then go line by line.

        Love how much y’all love thinking about thinking!

    • I always think in timelines!!!! Like I have a weirdly specific ability to recall events, because my brain is just one long train track of “first this happened, then that” over and over again until the end of time.

      • Oooo that’s fascinating and makes me super curious about how you process/relate to non-linear media/stories! Do they feel like fun interesting puzzles or frustratingly unnecessary nonsense or not at all different from a more traditional narrative structure?

        • A PUZZLE!! I enjoy them!! They challenge my brain to constantly reassemble the timeline in order, like trying to figure out the correct order to stack boxes? It’s fun. (But I am constantly reordering the narrative as I watch based on the new information I learn, the entire time)

    • I just started listening to Relative Fiction which is a true story podcast told by queer comic artist Nicole Georges and it’s so enthralling I almost ran over someone in a crosswalk! Listen when you’re not operating machinery maybe ☺️

    • Still Processing with Jenna Wortham is my forever favorite!!

      I also like Roxane Gay’s podcast, but I can’t remember the exact name of it right now?? It has “Slay” in the title

      Oh and I really enjoy the celebrity interviews on LGBTQ&A with Jeffrey Masters!

  4. What fashion trend is currently on your mind and why? (Example: puff sleeves – I find them to be totally impractical but they bring a fun sense of nostalgia and I love to see them out there)

    • i’m really into my platform doc marten sandals, bc i had a similar pair in 1999 (they weighed about 15lbs and they were perfect in every way) and when this trend comes back in another 30 years i’ll be too old to risk rolling an ankle. this is my time.

      • I am not into it by any means but it is on my mind that Gen Z is dressing like Manny Disanto‘s with the thong and everything like what’s going on?

    • i honestly love the return to like mid-90s levels of “oversized” for casual pants/shirts

    • i’m really into what i believe the youth are calling ‘little shirt big pants,’ which is def a throwback to a silhouette that was in when i was young (although i think the iteration of it was more like… tight babydoll tee with that hot topic bunny and like, jnco jeans or bondage pants). i’ve been really wanting to do the like little bra-style crop tops with high-waisted mom jeans look, but also not really sure if i’ve like… aged out of that? like i know that isn’t real, etc, but also never quite sure if i’m doing it right? gen z, where are you when i need you most

      • I’m literally only wearing crop tops (bra sized and regular) with mom jeans, so you have in fact not aged out of it!

    • i haven’t found out what a “nap dress” actually is, but i am rly into long oversized dresses that make it impossible to tell if i actually have a human form or not! also very into sports bras and bikini tops as shirts. i’m not sure either of these qualify as “trends” but they are what’s on my mind when it comes to fashion rn!

      oh, may as well add my own question in here too – it is on my mind that as a fat babe with big tits i cannot for the life of me find denim short overalls that fit me and that makes me sad! if anyone has a hot tip (old navy and gap both let me down) i would be thrilled to hear it!

      • vanessa i am obsessed with lucy and yak and they have very cute overalls in lots of colors and patterns!

        this is my fashion secret — i buy lots of comfy pants in crazy patterns and colors and pair with a bralette or tight tank top. rachel i’m older than you so you def can rock this look!

    • I have only crop tops this summer which I think is really cute with my soft round belly.

      Some woman in Twitter last month was like “it’s bout to be a slutty Winnie the Pooh type of summer”

      And I have sworn it as my personal aesthetic, ever since.

    • for some reason Melodrama by Lorde (the whole album) has rly come back to me this summer, goddess bless

      also a lot of country, just in general

    • extremely into this one khalid x empress of song, why don’t you come on, and keep listening to it on repeat for some reason! i’ve also been listening to the new lorde single a lot even though i’m not sure if i *like* it per se just bc it feels extremely ~summer~

    • This Friday song 🎵 it’s friday again, it’s saturday, sunday what 🎵 because it has that nostalgic dance floor energy from the mid-aughts. we’ve been in this pandemic for so long i am craving a sweaty dance floor so i love listening to it and thinking about all of my queer friends doing exactly that!

    • I actually desperately want a summer song!!

      I think my closest contender is Lil Nas X “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)”

      Also Cardi’s “Up”

      But neither are quite right, you know??

  6. Not sure if this is too personal, but can you talk about your coming out story? Any notable positive/negative changes? With pride month, it’s nice to think everyone is out, but for family reasons, I still have to tip toe around family (thank goodness I’m out to my friends though). Coming out stories are a great way to get the experience vicariously through others!

    • I will do my best! I feel like I don’t really have one, but I came out to a close friend and my sister when I was thirteen or fourteen, and from there more and more people, kind of on a need-to-know basis. Kids were really homophobic then! So I mostly stuck to telling people I wanted to make out with.

      In later high school, I was more just generally out, but I also had to keep coming out. I got the usual random straight girls insisting I had crushes on them, rumors about me and my also bi best friend, but also, it wasn’t like there was a big coming out moment! I came out to family members individually when I was in my 20’s. My mom then said this line that still makes me cackle, which was: “I never liked women.” I sure hope she gets over her internalized mysoginy someday but I do not think that’s in the cards. I hope this is helpful! There’s not much to live vicariously through here, but!

      Good luck with your fam, whatever the situation is! I’m so glad you have your friends and also thanks for asking this!

    • I came out to my mom kinda late in life (I was 25?Which isn’t late!! But on some level I knew I was gay since I was 12, so it felt like forever).

      By the time I came out to my mom, I was already out everywhere else in my life and it was starting to feel like she was the last to know? Which made my closet too claustrophobic to handle, like it was choking me. Anyway, I had decided to come out when I came home for Christmas that year and I whipped myself into a frenzy about it and I literally got sick to my stomach, so that’s how my mom found me on New Year’s Eve Day. She asked what was wrong, I told her I dated women, she asked if I wanted some tea.

      And that was that.

  7. Somebody stole all your old DVDs! What would be the first thing you replace with physical media (rather than a digital copy)?

    • “wish upon a star”
      “Clueless”
      “Mallrats”
      “Empire records”
      “Cinema paradiso”

    • Not to be too aggressively on-brand here, but The L Word Season One — because the streaming versions contain the wrong music and I cannot handle it and it feels like not having this particular item in my room is a betrayal to Leonard Cohen, Joan Armatrading, Lucinda Williams, Kinnie Star, The Be Good Tanyas ET AL.

      And um, When Harry Met Sally. For the same reason!

    • kissing jessica stein. it was the first lesbian movie i ever saw and owned and i still think it’s hilarious and perfect except for two moments in the film otherwise a+++

    • I’m so sorry here, but….. the velvet pink DVD set of all six seasons Sex and the City??? (I know, I know)

    • I am not the one that’s going to properly answer this for you but I do want to say that I too enjoyed the WNBA coverage but mainly to look at all of my future partners

    • Our writer for last year’s coverage got like very famous during the off season and now writes for like Sports Illustrated??

      But I imagine with the Olympics coming up and the play offs not far after, there’s going to be some women’s basketball coming your way this summer on Autostraddle.

      I also am in support of Shelli becoming a WNBA wife.

  9. What fictional character (can be from books, movie, TV, anything!) do you think would be the best kisser?

  10. I am looking for a career pivot out of a job in tech. Wondering if any of you have advice on jobs that may have more queer community or are more queer adjacent?

    • this is so interesting to me because i feel like 50% of my queer pals have jobs in tech! unless your goal is to actively switch to a queer-owned company or a queer-oriented non-profit (and i have complicated negative feelings about non-profits, tbh) i think this might be something that has more to do with “company culture” and “general vibe” rather than the actual field, although i am also open to being wrong on this. but what i mean is i’m a writer and i think of my profession as extremely queer bc A. i work here and B. my community is so queer i pretty much only interact with queer writers, editors, publishers, etc. that said, i know there are plenty of straight writers out there and many straight bigoted writers who probably don’t interact with queers at all? it’s hit or miss, i think is what i mean.

      THAT SAID, with remote work opportunities more abundant than ever before, i’d do some research around companies you like and are interested in and see what their culture looks like, who they hire, what the vibe is. i’m wondering if you’re looking to leave tech because you’re done with tech or if you’re done with the culture at your tech company, and if that’s the case i’m thinking there may be other options for you in the tech world…

      this is not concrete advice but hopefully provides some questions you can start to think about. good luck with the career pivot regardless!

      • I fully agree that I have a lot of queer friends in tech, but we are all spread out, on different teams or in different companies. I don’t think you are wrong that it has to do with company culture and general vibe. I am in a side of tech that is predominately male so it might just be a pivot into a more diverse area of tech.

        I have definitely been looking at women led companies and smaller companies where the vibe might match what I am looking for a little bit better. Thanks for your response!

  11. What do you think defines a “queer aesthetic”? Be it in fashion, tattoos, interior design, what makes something “look queer”?

    • i feel like Camp is probably one of the ultimate queer aesthetics — bold, over the top, ironic, melodramatic, colorful, challenging norms of good taste in favor of self-expression, sometimes offering social commentary through style or a lack thereof.

    • HM i think what feels queer to me, often, is an aesthetic that kind of resists or is indifferent to legibility – there’s that tiktok trend where people talk about ‘dressing queer’ or ‘androgynous’ in a way that combines clothing associated w both your assigned gender and other genders, or the feeling of walking into a room and thinking you can’t name or pin down the style because this armchair is neon but then this mirror over here is gilded rococo, etc. not because being ~confusing~ is queer, but because those are aesthetic choices that seem clearly based on what’s most satisfying to their maker, i guess, and not organized around an audience? i think a big part of straight culture to me seems to be succeeding in making yourself legible as specific things, and so the “failure” to do so, or disinterest in doing so, often feels very queer to me!

    • It feels to me like dressing for yourself or other members of the queer community and not for the heterosexual gaze (or the heterosexual gays, a sad bunch to be sure).

    • I mean everyone gave very intellectual answers, but I’m pretty sure it’s (vegan) leather jackets.

  12. Nicole, you had mentioned in a post about using they/them pronouns. One of my kids identifies as trans*, which I generally understand. Two other of my kids have talked about wanting to use they/them pronouns, and I’m finding the switch more difficult. I strongly believe in expanding definitions of male and female. I can identify as a woman and have hairy arm pits, own lots of power tools, etc. Still I do believe that much of gender is a social construct upon which we place way too much emphasis. I’ve talked with a few friends about they and them pronouns and have found it quite helpful! I would appreciate hearing about other peoples’ experiences with they/them pronouns as well! Thanks!

    • I have a lot of homies who have told me they now use different pronouns and honestly – you just have to do it. If you make a mistake and refer to people otherwise in the moment, don’t make a big to-do about it. Just apologize, correct yourself and move on. Also, I believe you can only make that mistake so long before it becomes rude and apparent that you aren’t doing the work to actively make the change to refer to folks (including your own children) as they want to be referred to.

    • Hi! Right on to your kids! Congrats!

      So, yes! Gender is a social construct, as are all / most things. To me, there’s no doubt that the idea of being a “woman” or “man” is actually extremely expansive, in behavior, in representation. I don’t personally think I can reject either of these identities because they aren’t mine to begin with, and so there’s nothing to set aside. We also know definitively that restrictive gender roles (and the idea that there are only two genders) are a function of the patriarchy and of white supremacy (the idea that a woman wouldn’t own power tools or be hairy, for example, are concepts closely tied to this).

      There is so much going on here! I don’t know that I can unpack it in a comment response, but my gender and my pronouns are not necessarily linked to the way that others perceive me or how closely I adhere or don’t adhere to any kind of a gender role. As a person who doesn’t exist on the gender binary (am not a man, not a woman), I ID as non-binary. As someone who feels simultaneous, conflicting, ebbing and flowing gender identities within myself, I ID as gender fluid or genderqueer. And at the end of the day, they/them pronouns give me this feeling of being the most closely named, with the language I have, as who I am. For me, these pronouns are the most comfortable description for myself and, I think, provide the best window for others into my internal life from the standpoint of pronouns. AND THEN they’re just pronouns! Just like there is so much more going on for you than your gender, the same here, and I’m sure the same with the kids!

      I recommend reading this piece on genderqueer identity that is on Autostraddle.com right this very day, today! Also, by Archie, there is a a Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns. And so many more books on gender and articles on this very website that will give you a ton of insight. Best of luck and thank you for being a member! <3

    • hi! i’m not nicole but i wanted to throw out there that while it’s great to try to understand your kids, a deep understanding does not need to come before respecting and using their pronouns (which i’m sure you know already!)

      Like I think it’s a noble goal to understand people whose sexuality or genders are different than ours, but i feel like there is a narrative sometimes that understanding is necessary to deem something “valid,” and while it’s not *your* narrative necessarily, I would like to push back on that all the same! <3

    • @NLN, as a trans woman who struggled a LOT with gendered expectations through the ’60 – 70s .. goddess but puberty was effed up when nobody had any idea of alternatives and exploring was manifestly unsafe (my context, a very few back then had some support or the brass to go their own way).

      Anyway, now feeling so comfortable as a femme-identified lesbian, being non-binary would be hard for me to *naturally* wrap my head around.

      However, in part because I’m in a university environment, I have a lot of peers who are non-binary and knowing them, seeing their journeys has made a huge difference in stepping from accepting (easy to do), to also feel I have some small inkling of where they are.

  13. What is the queerest sport in the Summer Olympics? I’m not looking for most queer athletes, but like, gayest ~vibe.~

      • hunter hive assemble, welcome nicole

        i’m honestly not even going to try to rank them but i will say my own pets momo and hunter, i’m obsessed w nicole’s dog mya, longtime huge carol fan. devotee of the Dobby Emoji in slack, major admirer of winona the cat, who recently ate a lily just to get to go on a dramatic medical leave, absolute diva shit

        • For the record, I do love Carol. I may or may not scroll to the bottom of the Autostraddle Newsletter first to see the picture and then scroll back up to read it through. I just didn’t know many other staff member’s pets besides Carol (and Socks).

      • this is so sweet because i wanted to say hoagie but then i thought “vanessa he’s not even your dog, he’s your boyfriend’s dog” but you know what i *am* hoagie’s mom and he says THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME RIESE

    • So aside from Carol (sorry Carol!), Rachel’s cat Momo is very vocal on our staff calls? And I love it verrrry much, the meows. They make my day.

      Both Hunter and Mya are very photogenic!

      Winona clearly has the coolest name.

      The truth is that I’m super allergic to pets and therefore do not like them, but I do love the Autostraddle pets even if I cannot go within a foot of any of them (except Carol, who is the best and never touches me)

  15. What’s your go-to karaoke song? Or if you don’t like to sing in front of people, what do you WISH you do at karaoke?

    (For me, ‘Bad Romance’ is my go-to)

    • If I could magically, suddenly be good at one thing, it would be singing. So…any song…but I want to be able to sing it! Damn it! Anything that would finally, at last, sound okay. Once in a while, I can still be persuaded to try karaoke because you don’t necessarily have to sound good although I think it makes the experience more pleasant for others. At a lesbian bar once, everyone very kindly sang with me during my turn because it wasn’t going well, but then it turned into a beautiful, gay sing-a-long. The song was “Total Eclipse of the Heart” lol.

      • Aww that sounds fun! I think karaoke is so much more fun when everyone is singing along and getting into it regardless of objective talent, more than a perfect singing performance.

    • picture by sheryl crow and kid rock, with a prologue of me begging someone to sing kid rock’s part

      • Duets are always great! It sounds weird, but Linkin Park’s ‘In the End’ is great for this as well, especially if you’re pairing up with someone who maybe is a little more nervous with the actual singing.

    • if i could sing without ruining the lives of everybody around me and everybody within a 10 mile radius of the karaoke venue, it would be “take me or leave me”

    • recently i had a daydream where i was nailing “hands” by jewel at queer karaoke but my vocal range is definitely more suited for “what’s up” by four non-blondes

    • i don’t think i’ve been drunk enough to perform karaoke in front of other humans since the restaurant christmas party when i worked in food service in 2010 BUT i do think if i ever did again it would be really fun to do a classic country abuser revenge anthem, ideally “goodbye earl” or “independence day,” carrie underwood’s “blown away” would also do it for me

    • i’ve been reading We Believe the Children, which is about Satanic Panic and specifically the child sex abuse moral panic and McMartin Preschool Trial of the 1980s – i’ve been fascinated with the Satanic Panic for a long time but didn’t realize how much learning more about it would get into a lot of the currently urgent ideas reese piper got into in this piece she wrote for us about the cultural unwillingness to reckon with the harm of the domestic sphere and nuclear family and desire to displace it onto a villainized other!

    • Polar Vortex by Shani Mootoo
      Self Care by Leigh Stein
      Thin Girls by Diana Clarke

      I feel like everybody I talk to about books is obsessed with Luster by Raven Leilani but on the off chance that everybody I talk to is not representative of the entire world I am going to submit it for consideration

      Also Plain Bad Heroines by emily m danforth — might also be well known and we did review it here also but if you don’t know about it i recommend it, it has a very relevant-to-autostraddlers-interests vibe 4 sure

      • I have not heard of We Believe the Children or Polar Vortex and will have to read those posthaste!

        (And Riese, I feel incredibly proud that I’ve already gotten to most of the rest you mention! My reading has the Riese stamp of approval?!)

    • YOU SHOULD SEE ME IN A CROWN BY LEAH JOHNSON NOW ON PAPERBACK

      RISE TO THE SUN BY LEAH JOHNSON COMING OUT IN JULY!! I read it, it’s glorious. Read it!

      • Carmen, I not only read You Should See Me in a Crown but I nagged at LEAST ten other people into reading it because it is SO PERFECT AND SO PURE it made my little heart sing!

        AND YES I AM FULLY PLANNING TO BUY THAT FOR ME AND ASK MY PUBLIC LIBRARY TO BUY IT FOR EVERYONE!

    • I’m not on the AS staff but I’ll jump in – EVERYONE should read Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price, PhD. They are a queer social psychologist and they wrote an incredible critique of American productivity culture and how it labels burned-out people and those facing systemic barriers as “lazy” rather than solving the root problem. I devoured it and can’t recommend it enough!

  17. As writers, do you ever worry about the commodification of your identity?

    I’m a writer myself, and lately I’ve been trying to figure out what my story is / what my voice is / how to market myself so that I can make a living writing. I work in the entertainment industry, and there’s a market for diverse voices, but it seems like the only voices that succeed are those who are willing to write about their identities and traumas. How does one find the balance to market their unique self without feeling exploited? Am I making any sense?

    • WHEN I first started writing i def only wrote about my traumas cos it was the only way to get published. I had pitched other things to several places and only heard back when it was trauma stuff. but then I stopped doing it. I am no longer worried about what other folks (mainly editors and producers) want me to write about and I just focus on writing what I want. Is it harder? A bit? but it worked for me in the end.

      I think i can’t give you an answer on how to market yourself because I believe that when you write what you’re passionate about and truly dig, not only will your audience find you but the money and balance will too. That sounds trite I know but I also think that some of the best advice lays in the mundane.

      figure out what YOU want to write about. everything I write about is queer and Black ‘cos I’m queer and Black, some of the content is specifically connected to that of course but in the end, my voice, the one that I found, is perfect for me and Idgaf about what folks are looking for from me – they gonna get what I give and say thanks for it.

    • I completely agree with Shelli! I think that if you write about what is genuine for you, that goes a long way not only in strengthening your voice as a writer but also in helping you stand out. It also makes the process feel much less a commodification of your identity and much more an extension of whomever you are, naturally.

      I mostly write about Black shit and gay shit and sometimes Latinx shit. Why? Because that’s the stuff I already talk about and love. I sometimes do end up writing about trauma, but only when I have something I want to say that feels like I have to get out.

      I was trained in writing publicly by Heather Hogan and I think that was really great because it was 100% about writing from what you love, and then going from there. It’s not the same fast rise as writing from a place of outrage all the time, but I have found it makes for infinitely better work. And that better work? It makes you stand out on its own.

    • cookbooks and maps // meg ryan’s romcom oeuvre // tamago kake gohan with chili oil and cinnamon toast (not like, at the same time) // organize something

    • Honestly? Old Autostraddle articles (sorry) // Grey’s Anatomy // Chocolate Chip Cookies // Paint my nails

      • Nice! Grey’s led me to Killing Eve — one of the best things I’ve ever seen! and I love reading old stuff from here!

      • All of these are perfect!

        (For me, it’s Jane the Virgin + sugary breakfast cereal or aggressively salty popcorn + adorable YA romance novels)

  20. You are joining a new D&D campaign- what’s the setting (Traditional Fantasy, Space Opera, Steampunk Apocolypse, Horror etc), and what’s your character’s signature move?

    • Mall Madness Board Game in The Pixar Theory Space Universe – Setting.
      Side Eye causes others to be frozen in place for 2 rolls while I get my energy boosted – signature move.

  21. i have not gotten permission from nicole to do this but i’m feeling rebellious today so A+ members i would like to ask YOU a question: for people who play stardew valley, who did you date/marry? usually i go with maru but this time i married emily and i think it’s going well, although honestly i still feel like maru and i have some unresolved stuff? like there are definitely still vibes there

    • I went with Emily after a bittersweet breakup with Leah not too long after her art show… I hope my wifey doesn’t mind that I still kept the sculpture from my ex in our bedroom.

      • omg you can break up with people in stardew??? so curious why you ended things with leah. did she keep making those weird brown sculptures?

    • Because I cannot date Robin, ruler of my heart, I have married the following people:

      Maru
      Penny

      And in my latest iteration, I have been playing as Baby Spike (think muppet babies + Buffy) so naturally, my roommate is Krobus, who is AN AMAZING ROOMMATE who gives great friendship hugs and says things like, although i’m paraphrasing, “do you ever feel this strange feeling? is it platonic love or my skin sloughing off?”

        • rachel he is sweetness and light as a roommate, he is always cooking for me even though he’s “not sure if he’s any good at making human food,” I don’t have the heart to tell him baby spike is a vampire

    • I attempted to woo Emily, I loved her hair and vibe but I never played long enough to let her make an honest woman out of me.

    • okay this is a very me answer but i am currently dating all the women in the town, like I have given them all bouquets and they’re all my girlfriend except haley, but i’m going to ask her to be my girlfriend too. the reason is because i love the cut scenes SOOOO much and learning more about each character and their romance style! i might even date all the dudes to see what their cut scenes are, but honestly, i’m not as invested. the order i girlfriended the characters was Leah, Maru, Abigail, Emily, Penny and Haley. i am super curious about the marriage portion of stardew and the kids part?? i’ve never played that aspect, but i think it sounds very cute honestly.

      • I am also trying to date all the women in the town and I also started with Leah! I was attempting to get all the achievements, but after the new update that goal is now miles away so I’m enjoying all the cut scenes.

        • omg! i have never played with “achievements” in mind before. mostly i’m focused on town renovations at this point and also *SPOILER SO DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO*

          fern island!

  23. i want to ask this with a lot of kindness and grace because the world is an ephemeral place and we are all just extraordinarily fragile and very tired beings plopped on top of it!

    any ideas or plans for a future a-camp? <3 <3 <3

      • This was answered in the town hall. The answer was, paraphrased, ‘we don’t know, the world is too uncertain, we will let you know when we know’

        • YEP!! And this is still true. It’s not that we’re resting on our laurels about it, it’s that with a pandemic still ongoing it’s incredibly beyond camp staff resources to be able to plan (and contingency plan) such a huge large-scale in person event.

          • Of course! I think my question is more about hopes and dreams for the future of camp, but I get it if those simply aren’t clear either!

  24. As Dr CP mentioned in the Town Hall, some of the team are approaching the arbitrary/significant age milestone of 40!

    How are people feeling about this?

    • I turn 35 on Sunday, which I realize is not 40! However still! My main concern as of this moment is that I get a chance to clean my house between now and then. Because I’d like to wake up on my birthday and not face a pile of laundry, you know?

  25. I am in the middle of a nostalgic 80s music binge. And sang along to a CD-R of my favourites on a 7 hour solo road trip today. It took me back to my teenage self and reminded me of the daydreams I had then. Does anyone have a song that takes them back in the same way? I had ‘Gloria’ of Laura Brannigan pretty much on repeat for at least 90 minutes.

    • developing photos in the darkroom listening to MILK by garbage and thinking of my best friend longingly

      • omg sarah developing photos in the darkroom YES

        i’d be listening to the shins or death cab for cutie, goddess help me

    • Wait is a CD-R the same thing as a CD? and “Candy” by Mandy Moore always makes me think of my pre-teen years – you’ll probably see an easter egg to it in anything I film.

  26. Greedily asking a third question – what’s one hope or goal or dream you have for Autostraddle in the coming year?

    • (i know you answer longer term versions of this a lot so i’m sorry if it’s redundant! it’s just very inspiring to hear you talk about your vision for the community and also maybe some fun things to look out for!)

      • In my WILDEST DREAMS THIS MAY NOT HAPPEN DO NOT QUOTE ME, BUT HERE IS A DREAM… I’d love for an Autostraddle internship program?? Like just one or two college aged people in their early 20s who we pay to write for us and also get to learn/be mentored?

        Also, more content that’s about life in your 30s and 40s.

        YOUNG AND OLDS, I SAY!!

    • I really REALLY wanna do a zine print of something, Special edition, limited print. Something Tangible and dope that has great pieces, playlists, photo spreads , a masthead all that dope shit but thats hella limited like a run of only 50 copies.

    • i would really love for the company to be able to hire 1-3 more full time senior staff members because working closely with the senior team i can see how stretched thin they always are and i wish they/we had more support.

      • I have to agree. My wildest dreams for AS are sufficient funding and support, and the ability for our team to really put our talents toward what everyone does best. I want us to be able to climb off the survival treadmill, truly, and really be able to look around and proactively improve and grow and publish amazing work by awesome queer folks.

        • Well if there’s anything besides A+ and shouting your praises from the rooftops that we can do, I hope we can make that all come true <3

  27. Ok so you all have been working from home for a while and then 2020, bam, suddenly so many more people started working remotely… what have you seen people discover that you were like I told you so or that made you chuckle?

    • That you can’t work in the bed G, like – it’s impossible. Somany folks were like “yeah Im gonna work in my bed and still get stuff done” EL OH EL!

    • wow great q! i think some of my biggest beefs about misunderstanding working from home unfortunately did not get addressed because a lot of them are specific to the “one person working from home, another person not” dynamic – ex. “it’s just easier for you to do all the housework or errands or shopping because you work from home,” or assuming that working from home means you work *less*, which i think was probably actually true for a lot of folks who normally have office jobs because there was less surveillance and busy work, but is not true for us.

      two things i have observed is that 1. people new to WFH are OBSESSED w meetings – i have 5x more calls and meetings than i used to because people who are, i think, used to dropping by each others’ offices wanted everything w their coworkers to be a meeting or call, especially to “stay connected,” and that also became assuming that everything else with other orgs or vendors should be a meeting? interactions w other orgs, writers, clients, whoever were suddenly all Zooms when two years ago they absolutely would have been emails.

      2. i was so tickled by the early insistence that everyone should have a “routine” and put on “pants” or even wear “business casual,” which i feel like fizzled out in like, three weeks, because yeah! that’s dumb! no one cares! professionalism is fake! if it works for you to start your workday at noon and work til 8, or start your workday at 7 pm and work til 3 am, in sweatpants, absolutely do that! office culture is silly and has no inherent value!

    • i was really grateful for the trend of soft pants and robes as daywear, and i loved people telling each other to try to leave the house at least once a day (“even if it’s just to sit on your balcony!”)

    • i wouldn’t say i chuckled but !! Zoom Fatigue! We actually do most of our meetings with just audio, zoom meetings are actually NOT virtual versions of real-life meetings, they are a completely different method and schema for communication.

      and how challenging it can be to work with people you’ve never met in real life — or to train new people virtually. my relationship with an employee changes a lot once i finally have the chance to hang with them IRL. it’s so easy to misread people.

      there’s a lot about virtual work that is fantastic, especially for disabled people and i hope those accommodations remain for people who need them. i think in an ideal world, all workers who are able to would do a hybrid work/home thing. it’s really good to just like, see what people are doing, or bop into someone’s office with a question. doing everything on slack is so weird and email sucks. it also becomes really easy for people to make up narratives about who you are and what you’re up to when their sole perception of your daily work habits is a few slack chats a day.

    • I definitely want to echo everyone on zoom fatigue, I also just really don’t get it?? Like why do you need to have face calls for everything? Ditto with FaceTime being in the rise? I want like negative five people to see my face ON A SCREEN at any given moment.

      Sorry everyone ahead of me had much more thoughtful (and correct!) answers, I just hate having to talk on a screen for random small things. It is awful. Burn it down.

  28. IDK if this is too personal, but how do you balance thinking about Autostraddle as a job and part of your career vs your emotional and political commitments to it?

    • I mean, I have often used my work here at Autostraddle to talk about my political beliefs as a Queer Black Woman and also used it to process a lot of emotional stuff surrounding my identity thru personal essays, columns, etc. I feel lucky to work at a spot that can aide in my catharsis. But I also know when not to blend the two.

      It didn’t take a bunch of time for me to find the balance in that, i thought it might cos my writing is usually my escape and how I heal, but you gotta pick and choose you know. sometimes I’m like “I have to talk about this on the site for the sake of other qpoc folks who need to know this/see this/feel seen” but other times I’m like “No i need to seperate and take this feeling elsewhere to process” and a lot of the times if its the second feeling – i am doing that cos i dont wanna welcome any like debate or anything or unsolicited advice on a certain thing/emotion.

      I hope that answered it for you!

    • this answer has shifted so much for me over the past decade. full disclosure: i have treated autostraddle like a job, like a slumber party, like a burden, like a relationship, like a love, like a family, like a community… the list could go on indefinitely. it’s hard to parse, tbh, because the people i’ve met through autostraddle are some of the most special and important people in my whole world, and it’s factually accurate to say my life would not be the same if riese, laneia, and rachel hadn’t hired me to be a contributing editor in 2012. but it’s also true that it’s really hard to work with your friends/family, and sometimes the emotional commitment can actually hinder the work. this has happened to me before.

      i took an unintentional break from working at the site from 2014-2017, and honestly, though it was painful at the time, it helped clarify for me the most important thing i hold now: autostraddle is bigger than me, and being community editor is my job. that has to come first, period. the emotional and the personal stuff still comes into play sometimes, but i now think of that as entirely separate from my work here. my JOB at autostraddle is to be the best community editor i can possibly be, which really means making space for all of you. my personal feelings about autostraddle matter way less than my commitment to YOU, and that feels really good and healthy for my work/life/existence balance.

      • honestly, yes. a good idea. a prenup made while you love and want the best for each other! if you never need it, chill. if you need it, you have it!

    • also a cute ass lil party gift. If I hauled it all the way to your wedding and got you a fucking 55$ trash can the least yall can do is give me some bubbles or a candle with your face on it.

    • OMG but ALSO Mya (the dog) was a ringbearer once and that was adorable. Highly recommend!

    • + photo booth
      + a heterosexual cousin asking why that one bridesmaid is wearing a suit

    • I am obsessed with the idea of an ice cream sundae bar?? I have no idea why.

  30. Heyyy ❤️

    I just quit my job with nothing else lined up because my boss is toxic as hell and it was making me depressed and honestly ruining my life, and it’s totally the right decision for my wellbeing but sometimes I freak out about not doing the “responsible” thing. Do you have a story where you quit a job or something else that seemed irresponsible and it worked out well?

    Thanks for everything, love you.

    • Hello YES

      I don’t want to get into some of my personal details on this but I have a story pretty much exactly to yours and it all ended up JUST FINE. HOWEEEEVVVVVVEEERRRR – I freaked out on the daily, especially about money, called my mom in tears weekly, almost went BACK to the job (wrote an apology letter for quitting and everything but never sent it) and was ready to grovel and keep taking shit, and this lasted for like 3 months. I was behind on rent, bills EVERYTHING BABY. and thought to myself often “shelli, who the fuck do you think you are? you know how many folks hate their job and their bosses are worse than yours, and everybody comes home at night hatingit and saying they will quit? like you arent special. suck it up and just work and cut the day off after”

      BUT THEN

      I was like “BITCH I AM SPECIAL! and i made the right decision and Im gonna go into my next job not taking shit from the start and let my work speak for itself and ALWAYS speak up – i dont care if everyone there thnks im rude because of it – cos what im not gone do is go thru THIS again”

      and then – it was all good.

      use the time to work on yourself, know tha tmoney may be tight, look for a new job that you wanna go to – not one that you will tolerate. and go into it demanding the respect you deserve and don’t settle for shit cos you don’t wanna b e in the same position again. I beleive in you – go treat yourself to a good takeout dinner (and call the gas company and ask for the furthest extension you can get – whatever they tell you is a lie they can always extend to at least 18 months)

      love ya babe!

    • yeah,been there,done that. I’ve rarely found that following my heart didn’t work out long run :-) all the best to you and hoping the next job fulfills your life better.

    • Yeppppppppp!!!

      I quite literally had a mental breakdown, blew up life, moved home because I had no job or money or really discernible skills? And was also more depressed than I ever had been? I mean just by every definition… rock bottom.

      And here’s what came out of that? #1 — therapy and #2 — working here.

      Now will I be in debt from that time in my life forever? Who is to say? Was there a better life for me on the other end of a decision I once thought ruined my life? You bet.

      • Thank you for the support and sharing your stories! I felt so much better after reading them <3

  31. Maybe not the place for it but can we get an article about all the social media censorship of queer, lesbian, dyke, etc?? Or else do you have a good suggestion of where to read about this?

    • i feel like elizabeth olsen looks the most like me but i think my energy is really captured by Cassandra Ciangherotti

    • i’d want someone from our illustrious tv team to cast me! i can’t be trusted to choose on my own, i’d pick like, julianne moore.

      • To be fair, I think Julianne Moore is not wrong!!!

        Also you’d be excellent played by Winona Ryder, assuming she’s willing to go blonde.

    • i think Anna Konkle (of Pen 15) looks the most like me, but alternately also; Claire Danes

    • i have no idea because as the entire TV team knows, i barely watch TV and certainly don’t know actors by name. can someone make a recommendation? and then link me to their wikipedia page?

    • No celebrity really looks like me? So I’m always ver bad at this game, sorry 😞

      I do think Tessa Thompson captures the most of my energy, like spiritually. But that might just be because I’m also an queer Afro-Latina who desperately wants to make out with Janelle Monae. Who’s to say?

  33. What dream A+ feature would you like to create if you had unlimited time/money/resources?

    • A ZINE! I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. AS WELL AS A VERY DOPE YOUTUBE CHANNEL.

    • Obvs, a future dream. Events! I used to love designing in-person member events (for other places) and I hope that someday we can get there again! I know there used to be meetups for members, but I wonder what else is possible! Of course, I don’t think we have a minute left in our days to coordinate anything right now or even this year, even if we were in a place with the pandemic where it seemed feasible, but you said unlimited time, so here we are!

    • This is sort of related to Nicole’s answer (“events”) and also the gorgeous intra-community bookshelf that Rachel is right this very minute planning for y’all — but I’d love to bring back the Read A F*cking Book Club for A+ members, like a monthly book club with virtual and irl meet ups? Where people talk books and make adult friendships? I’d love that.

    • it’s not a secret but i’m pretty nerdy about books, gardening, and canning/preserving!

      • Likewise! Definitely would be down for a beginner’s guide to preserving! Hope your garden is doing well this summer if you have one :)

    • Secretly nerdy about??

      Probably the NBA. I grew up loving the Detroit Pistons so I know tons more about the NBA than the WNBA which all the time makes me feel like a bad gay.

      Natalie has been slowly reaching me the WNBA though! But my NBA knowledge is deep and legit, and no one expects it.

      Everything else I’m nerdy about, I write on the site, so it feels much less like a secret? But: Black television, Black film, The l word, glee, grey’s anatomy, books, writing utensils/planners, the MCU

      • Lol I think having loved an NBA team as a child maybe makes you extra gay ;) hooray for for deep knowledge you can surprise people with! Also Carmen how have I missed your writing about writing utensils and planners? I love those topics too! (Though I am fiercely devoted to my Pilot G2 ultra-fines…)

    • The ways people lived throughout history. Just like: looking up 13th century recipes, etc.

    • extremely into menstruation, menstruation culture, and specifically how the industrial revolution changed everything about the culture of menstruation, but this is maybe not a secret!

      also escutcheons and door knobs/locks

      • Just had to look up what an escutcheon is, thanks for the new word! Menstruation culture/history is a fascinating topic, I bet there are some really interesting books out there about it.

  35. How has pandemic / lockdown / abysmally scary other stuff affected you at core?

    For me, it’s pushed my needle far towards asexual, a place I had no prior reference for and in turn has made simply coping harder. Anxiety had me almost continually triggered in flight/fight and while I’ve accepted that my sexual self has been on holiday, it’s been something I mourned hard.

    I’m not asking if (exactly) this happened to you-all, however almost everyone I’m close enough to to know, has had similar struggles, so I’d like to hear and hold what’s been the experiences of the folks I love to read over there at AS.

  36. what’s the physical activity that does the most for your mental health? follow up – do you do it regularly or just aspire to it

    • yoga (bc i can’t think and do yoga at the same time) and walking (bc i can’t do anything but think)

    • riding my bike! but somebody stole my bike (twice! despite VERY INTENSE LOCKS and it being stored in a locked garage. i refuse to replace it AGAIN) and i moved to a neighborhood that’s a lot less biker-friendly. so i don’t do it. :-(

  37. If you could pick up any new hobby, what would you do?

    I recently got more time for myself (which I love), and I am looking for something new to do or something new to learn.

    Also, I hope this is still online. I might be a little confused about the time – it’s midnight in Europe. Anyways, thanks for doing this! Byeeee.

    • Yes! We have 50 minutes left :D

      Gosh, I just wish I had time to read. But if I had time for a whole new hobby…mushroom foraging!

      • Thanks for all the great answers! I’ve heard that you can also grow your own mushrooms and maybe now is the time to get into that :)

    • i have always loved printmaking since doing it in my high school art class (lol) and would love to have it as a full blown hobby! also blacksmithing.

  38. What question has nobody asked yet that you wish someone would ask? (Please feel free also to answer it of course!)

      • What is your favourite lesbian or queer TV trope? Bonus points if you’re not supposed to like it but you do anyway

    • Someone promised to ask Rachel about her sunscreen regimen and it did not happen, but I was looking forward to it!

        • oh no chandra i’m worried i’m going to disappoint you because i don’t have a definitive answer right now! i’ve been trying to commit to mineral sunscreens both bc i feel like they’re more effective and because chemical sunscreens often give me headaches, but it’s hard to find one that doesn’t leave a white cast even on me, a translucent person. i’ve just been using neutrogena sheer zinc 50 spf for a while now, and i don’t like, love it but most of the other good options are very expensive! i was also using la roche posay anthelios mineral fluid for a while and i guess i could go back to it eventually but the formula was just SO runny. anyways, open to suggestions!

          • I have the same concerns and no suggestions, as I’m also using Neutrogena. Thanks for taking the time to reply though!

  39. Laneia, how old are your kids these days? Especially the one who tried to make an appearance during town hall?

    (I’ve always appreciated that someone at AS has older kids—none of my friends even had babies back when mine were school age.)

      • Fun times! 😂 I’ve got the 16 and 18 year olds still at home. The oldest is about to turn 24.

        Meanwhile my friends kids are all like babies to 5 years old 🤦🏻‍♂️.

        • i know someone who had her second baby at like 38, 13 yrs after her first child, and every time i think about it i get lightheaded

          • 👀 I’m excited to be on this end of the parenting stage. Can’t imagine starting over now. I do not have that kind of energy.

  40. Riese and anyone else who lives in or has lived in LA, do you have advice on areas to live? I just landed a one-year postdoc at USC, so in early or mid-August I’ll be moving from Ann Arbor to LA. I’ve been to LA before but never driven there, and I don’t know the neighborhoods at all. Do you have any other advice on moving to LA?

    • The neighborhoods that contain the most gays and stores/eateries relevant to our interests tend to be the Echo Park / Silver Lake / Los Feliz area (as per L Word Generation Q).

      I lived in West Hollywood for a solid amount of time and liked it because it was super walkable, and also there was rent control so my place wasn’t as expensive as I’d expected.

      I live in Hollywood now and honestly my neighborhood is not great bc it’s between Sunset and Hollywood which are very busy areas! but I love my apartment, and it’s a super-central location for having friends / places-i-visit (e.g., the dentist, my pharmacy) on the “east” and “west” sides. It’s also a good place to live if you want a nice apartment with a good amount of space, there are a lot of buildings with various amenities too. The area around USC is great also, imo.

      The LA City Guide we did in 2019 is actually a solid reference on this topic as well:
      https://www.autostraddle.com/queer-girl-city-guide-los-angeles/

      • Thanks, that’s useful to know about Echo Park and also the area around USC. I looked at the LA city guide a day or two after I heard I got this job, but I need to take another look now that I’ve spent more time staring at a map and at apartment listings. Would you recommend living alone in a studio or sharing with a roommate for someone new to LA?

    • ALSO HUGE CONGRATS ON THE POST-DOC!!!!

      And at USC???? That’s a massive big deal! I hope you celebrated!

      • Thank you, Carmen! I’m super excited about the fact that Sherry Velasco will be my mentor…she wrote Lesbians in Early Modern Spain! https://www.google.com/books/edition/Lesbians_in_Early_Modern_Spain/ouHqtw239HwC?hl=en&gbpv=0

        To celebrate, I cleaned out my shared office from my old lecturer job while blasting Natti Natasha’s “Lamento tu pérdida”! I’d been waiting for that moment, not that I had a lot to take down or bring home. I’ll miss being in a union, but not that level of contingent employment. That song has been my consolation lately while dealing with the academic job market strugglebus and the realities of being a lecturer (okay, and I low-key have a crush on Natti Natasha). I also got ice cream.

    • I am not the people you mentioned, but I live in the Arts District in DTLA & my fiancé is from Ann Arbor, so your news is very exciting! Congrats on the position!

      What kind of energy are you looking for, neighborhood-wise? Are you more interested in walkability or access to nature? How long of a commute can you tolerate? The beauty of LA is that we’ve got more than just one queer pocket of town :)

      • Those are great questions, Brenny! Ideally I’d be within bicycling distance of USC (is commuting via bicycle safe? I should probably find that out first…).

        This may be an awkward question, but do any of these queer pockets of town happen to have a large Latinx population (or even simply not be majority non-Hispanic white)? I’ve spent most of my life in primarily white cities, schools, and universities, and I’d love to see what it’s like being the majority for a change. Well, I kind of know from visits to family in New Mexico and from staying in La Villita when I went to Chicago for a paleography class one summer. But that’s just a taste.

        • I think Boyle Heights is a big one, and Highland Park. Both have lots of queer ppl and are majority Latinx. The percentage of ppl who are Latinx in Echo Park goes down every year because of gentrification, but it’s historically a Latinx neighborhood and is still majority Latinx.

        • Like Riese mentioned below, I think Boyle Heights would be a great place to start your search – closer to USC than highland park, you should be able to find a bike-able route (or one that combos metro+bike)!

          Good luck with the search & move – I feel invested in your success now! Lol

  41. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head? For me, it was Blossom Dearie by Ravyn Lenae.

    • i get tiktok sounds/song snippets stuck in my head a lot, recently it’s been “can you reach me? no! you can’t!” nonstop

      • same it’s always tiktok

        like “into the thick of it!!”

        and “i will contact the attorney general if you do not stop thsnks”

        and watermelon sugar HI

        i was about to say “i could go on” but now “it goes on and on and on tik tok on the clock dont stop remind me of everything tonight” etc etc etc is in my head!

    • The tripledent gum theme song from “inside out” also just here to say that you should definitely listen to Blossom Dearie – The artist not the song it was one of my grandfather’s favorites and one of mine to

      • Thanks for the rec, Shelli! I’ll definitely check her out! I’m always looking for music to try.

    • Well since Riese said “Watermelon sugar hi” — I hear nothing else now. So I guess, that.

    • Ughhhhh… in the comment section of Autostraddle??

      Which is true for me, but I realize not helpful advice more broadly. I think the thing about writing is that you should first write for yourself, that’s how you develop your voice. And once you’ve started figuring out that (we used to use Tumblr and Livejournal and blogs), you’re going to find your next steps. Also, read a lot! Read the kinds of writing you want to write, and break them down/ study how the writers make those turns of phrase or arguments work (I still do this!)

      That’s the kind of stuff that will help with the mechanics. Once you have that m, you’re well on your way. Tips for finding work as a writer? Honestly, when I freelanced i followed other editors on Twitter. So many job postings get thrown out there. I also recommend Study Hall.

  43. Carmen, how are you doing? It feels like you’re doing everything now—interviewing Lena Waithe, giving quotes for non-AS articles, appearing on Netflix(?!), becoming editor in chief. You enjoying it? Finding time to decompress?

    • Let me tell you something my friend, Nicole and I just literally not even two hours ago had a heart-to-heart where I told them that yesterday I stared at a blank wall, mumbling to myself “I just have to make it to July.”

      So! YEAH! That’s about where I am!

      (In July I am taking a very real week off vacation where I sleep in every day and eat pancakes and look at the sky)

    • the funniest thing anyone has ever said to me during sex was ‘fuck, dude, that feels so good.’ feel free to borrow that one

    • This is from Shelli:

      “ Agreed on the “that feels good”. Lots of cussing – like LOTS OF “Fucks” “oh shits” and “DAMN!”

      And I am here to agree wholeheartedly. Nothing will ever be as a good as a sharp breath inhale followed by a well placed “fuck” on exhale.

  45. Agreed on the “that feels good”. Lots of cussing – like LOTS OF “Fucks” “oh shits” and “DAMM!”

  46. Hi all! What is one of the best dates you’ve been on? What made it memorable/special?

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