HELLO, SESTRAS. This is a recap for Orphan Black episode 305, “Scarred By Many Past Frustrations.” I was trying very hard to get a recap up for last week’s episode, but what happened was a lot of really super queer stuff in real life and also on television, and so much A-Camp preparation, and Orphan Black had no queer stuff and was very Castor-focused, so it kept getting shoved to the bottom of my endless to do list. And now here we are. So I am going to recap this week’s episode fully, and tell you very quickly what happened last week. Okay, sestra? Okay.
304: “Newer Elements of Our Defence”
Gracie’s mom shot Mark in the cornfield and then skedaddled because she assumed he was dead. Who gets hit with some shotgun shells and walks away? Well, Mark, that’s who. Sarah dragged his ass halfway across Canada to some random cabin in the woods, pulled the bullets out of his guts, and sewed him up. In the middle of the surgery, Mark confessed he was torturing Johansson because he was pretty sure Johanssen had an original sample of Castor DNA. And Mark was right. But Johanssen used the DNA to try to make his own clone baby and that clone baby died when it was still barely born, and so Sarah and Mark dug up the baby’s bones and of course Rudy found them doing it, so the brothers decided to take the bones for themselves and “tie up the loose end” of Sarah.
OOOHHHHHHH, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Shut up about the pineapples.
Helena chewed a pork chop bone into the shape of a skeleton key and broke herself out of her cell at Castor HQ, but then found one of the Castor clones in a hospital room with the top of his head sawed off because Mother and some doctors were messing with his open brain. He asked Helena to kill him, so she used her pork chop key to do that by stabbing his literal brains.
Cosima sat around in Delphine’s clothes wearing Delphine’s perfume and smoking Delphine’s cigarettes and doing science and feeling awful.
And Allison and Donnie upped their drug game by making promises to the kingpen supplier of the neighborhood, who, it turned out, was Alison’s high school boyfriend.
Also, Gracie lost her baby and the Proletheans kicked her out of their cult.
305: “Scarred by Many Past Frustrations”
Rudy is feeling extra proud of himself for bringing the baby bones back to Mother so they can mash them up into some kind of potion to cure the Castor clones’ brain glitches. Rudy wants to stay around and do the alchemy, but Mother tells him to take off the weekend and go bang ladies and chop off their hair and write about his humpings in his diary and hang out on the MRA boards or whatever. Just hit up that warp zone that connects Mexico with Toronto and be back in 48 hours. Rudy kisses Mother on the cheek and bounces.
I had the weirdest dream Alison was a drug dealer.
Sarah wakes up from her kidnapping and finds herself in a cell at Castor HQ. She yells a lot of insults and climbs up onto her bed to try to see out of the tiny window near the ceiling. And then, through the vent in the wall, she hears Helena talking about, “Not so smart after all, are you?” Sarah is shocked and relieved and she scrambles over to the vent to try to see her, but Helena’s not interested in reconnecting. Kill her once, shame on you; kill her twice, and you’re going to hurt her feelings. Sarah tries to explain about how it was Ms. S who did the dirty dealings. Ms. S and Paul. She begs Helena to at least peep her through the little grate separating them, but thanks to Pupok, who is being a real butt hole today, Helena isn’t feeling it.
Hello, yes. One Iced Capp Supreme and an order of 10 Timbits, please.
There’s no Tim Hortons here. Welcome to hell.
Felix and Ms. S are starting to panic a little about Sarah disappearing. She used to do this shit all the time, of course, but that was before she discovered she was part of a sisterhood of clones being relentlessly monitored, pursued, and murdered by every governmental shadow agency and cabal of mad scientists in the world. Felix distracts himself with Cosima’s problems. Well, one of Cosima’s problems at least. The problem of her deep and debilitating heartbreak. He has signed her up for a dating app called Sapphire and she is, at this very moment, waiting to meet someone named Shay at the local pub.
Felix: Give it 20 minutes before you bail, do you promise?
Cosima: Knowing this show, a sniper will shoot me in the face through the pub window by then, but okay.
Bartender Bobbi: Just don’t talk about your ex, girl.
Cosima: What? I’m not going to talk about my ex. Do I look like I want to talk about my ex?
Bartender Bobbi: You look like you want to go home and pile up the clothes she left behind and roll around in them like a cat while listening to Bon Iver and eating ice cream with your hands.
Okay, but like, it doesn’t make sense, medically, that sexual energy can heal a person.
Wanna test out that theory?
Cosima promises to keep it tight for at least half an hour, okay, and then Shay walks into the bar. (It’s Ksenia Solo and she looks like Kenzi and sounds like Kenzi but she’s so not Kenzi.) Cosima tries to make small talk and it’s more awkward than all the small talk you’ve ever made in your life, but Shay is super into it. She calms Cosima down by weaving a yarn about her first terrible Sapphire date. But also, she makes Cosima even more nervous because her voice is so sultry and she doesn’t break eye contact. It’s intense, and kind of — I feel hypnotized watching it happen, and Shay’s not even staring into my soul like she’s doing to Cosima. The challenge soothes Cosima, I think. She likes to win. She settles in and levels up her banter and it’s pretty wonderful.
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I have been waiting on this episode for months because I love me some Ksenia Solo and would follow her anywhere but I don’t trust her character one bit. She mad sexy though. As always.
Oh, for sure. No trust. Zero trust. I don’t know how Cosima will ever be able to put herself out there for dating again after this.
If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that you never ever ever ever trust someone named Shay. It’s usually not even their real name.
All you Shays, I’m onto you.
“Hello, yes. One Iced Capp Supreme and an order of 10 Timbits, please.”
“There’s no Tim Horton’s here. Welcome to hell.”
TOO REAL
Real talk: the first thing I do when I cross the border when I’m driving home from school in the States is go to a Timmies. I know where my heart lies.
The first time I went to a Tim Hortons, I was like, “Blah blah I am so sure this place is so special I’ll be be blown awa–oh my god, I never want to leave here.”
Getting to see Cosima be a total dork on a date with Kenzi was such a delight. I’m also completely incapable of calling her Shay. Partly because Kenzi, but also because she is decidedly not Shane’s little brother.
Oh my heavens, I had COMPLETELY erased TLW Shay from my memory. That guy. What a sad life!
Delphine is so endgame. But I’m cool w Shay because Cosima should have somebody, and it opens it up for Delphine to do something super loyal and heroic down the line. I’m pretty sure Shay has other motives, but then again they already did that with season 1 Delphine.
The next episode is really hyped, I’m pretty excited.
Oh, I agree for sure about Delphine endgame. No question. I won’t be sad if Delphine gets mad jealous next week when she finds out about Shay. I won’t be sad if she breaks a beaker or something in a fit of temper.
Now I want nothing more from next episode than for Delphine to tear apart the lab when she finds out about Shay. It’ll be just like the time Rachel freaked the fuck out about not being able to have babies, or about Duncan being alive, or maybe about Duncan killing himself. I’m not entirely sure what actually happened in that scene…
I’ll bet that’s how Rachel reacts even when it’s just something like Kroger is out of the cereal she likes.
Does Kroger run out of Grape Nuts? Does any store ever run out of Grape Nuts? I’m not sure why I think Rachel loves Grape Nuts. It’s either that or something on the complete opposite end of the cereal spectrum, like Cookie Crisp.
“What’s your favorite lesbian character’s favorite cereal?” is now a post I am writing in my head.
Hmm…I wonder who shares my love of Cinnamon Life?
I imagine that Leslie Shay loves Cinnamon Life.
Shay,Shaw,Shane,Kenzi, Bo, Cosima, puppies and Pupok.
Gracie in Madonna’s Erotica outfit.
And Helena battered in butter.
You know, I’ve taken to watching Orphan Black twice.
Once when it airs, and then another time, a couple months later, when I’ve stopped blinking and wrapped my head around everything that just happened to appreciate the plot.
Paul reminds us,that Helena is a killer, and we’re graphically reminded of this.
Maybe this isn’t a story about good or bad, but about brothers and sisters and family and the more threads they unravel, the more complex it gets.
Maybe Paul is a brother to the Castors the same way Felix is to the girls?
Maybe there is a difference,though, and the difference is unwavering loyalty and genuine affection, well, Love, to name it, because that is what drives Mrs.S and Delphine to protect and shelter and fight, while with the Castors…they follow the science.
Without mercy.
I can’t wait for Delphine to return and for Helena to go on a desert hike with her seestra.
And I do love Art, but the love struck thing for Beth he had supposedly going on..I see how that works for the theme of the show, but I’m not really buying it,yet.
– I was hoping that Sarah would see and hear Pupok.
– Cosima and Shay. Two tiny people having fun together.
– I think that Shay works for Delphine/Dyad. The photographer was just documenting their date. #MonitoringNeverEnds
– Is it possible that “Mother” made their problem into an STD? That way the clones spread it. Any woman who survives may have a genetic cure,and the Castors have already collected a DNA sample.
Two tiny people! Yes! I couldn’t figure out why Kenzi suddenly didn’t look like a tiny tiny doll anymore, and it’s because Cosima is also a tiny tiny doll :-)
It’s like when Emily saved Aria and Mona from being run under by picking them and putting them in her pockets.
“And that about sums it up for Cosima, whose pants are on fire right here in Toronto, but whose heart is 4,000 miles away sipping on a Bordeaux and snacking on some cheese and making science sound like foreplay.”
Ah, Heather, you always sum everything up so perfectly. This was my exact reaction whilst watching this scene. Ksenia Solo is brilliant and hot and I definitely would (if you know what I mean), but Delphine…is just, Delphine! The Frenchness and the science and the amazing chemistry. And the hair, did I mention the hair?
I literally cannot wait for Saturday’s episode. I’m sure it won’t disappoint.
Be still my heart, Ksenia Solo is super sexy as a blonde. Love the chemistry. Sorry Delphine
I love this show on so many levels! SO. MANY. LEVELS. But one little consistency thing that bugs me is that we never see Helena’s angel wing scars anymore. I know, they were mostly on her back, I know, she’s got tank tops that largely cover them, but we’d see some of it. Those things were huge!
I guess there’s only so much time one human can take sitting in the make-up chair, even if the human is a god like Tatiana Maslany.
I was thinking this too but they start making an appearance again!
Ok but what were those tweezers even for?
Where is MS. Hogan? I miss your recaps!!