Previously on Orphan Black, Helena’s imaginary friend, Pupok the Giant Bleeping Scorpion, soothed her nerves and her heart as she was trapped at Castor HQ inside a tiny wooden shoebox. Cosima came back to life only to have her heart ripped from her chest and stomped on by Delphine, who ripped out her own personal heart and stomped on it too, in the process of dumping Cosima, but For the Greater Good. After deciding to nominate herself for president of the school board, Alison pretended to be Sarah at Dyad so that Sarah could pretend to be Rachel at Dyad so they could thwart the most recent shady organization threatening to wipe the Toronto sestras from the face of the earth. And Castor Seth broke Castor Rudy out of Dyad jail.

And now I’ll just cue up “Blurred Lines,” my all-time favorite song from Glee.

Right, so. Rudy gets a woman super drunk and brings her back to his place to rape her with the help of Seth. It’s gross and it’s terrifying, like some kind of sick bait-and-switch cat-and-mouse thing, and the woman is rightfully freaked out when Seth appears out of nowhere while she’s in the middle of having sex with Rudy. Seth says they were taught to share when they were growing up, so what’s her problem?

The next morning, Paul shows up to do his standard glaring and talk-growling like he’s a Chris Nolan Batman. He takes turns hooking Seth and Rudy up to a mind-reading machine and asks them brain teasers while some SoulVision goggles look inside their brains to see if there’s anything weird going on in there. Rudy is bored and over it during Paul’s exam, but Seth starts hardcore glitching in the middle of it.

“No always means no. No never means yes. When a woman says no, did you just rape her?”

Rudy freaks out when Seth goes quiet because he knows it means his brother’s brain is cracked. Rudy tries to tell Paul they were out late drinking and and sexually assaulting and that’s how come Seth is having trouble concentrating this morning. Paul doesn’t give a shit. He slaps a couple of envelopes on the table and says they’re from Mother and it’s time for these Castors to go back home.

Sarah is taking a moment out of her quest to find Helena to hang out with Cal and Kira. Cal has purchased an apartment for the three of them, complete with an art studio for Kira and an indoor hockey rink.

Honestly, any place where the front door closes all the way is an upgrade from living with Felix or Ms. S.

Sarah: I think you understand the fullness of what I mean when I say the only thing I like less than surprises is a promise from a straight man.
Cal: Okay, but like, I came all the way from the Dothraki Sea, where I was hanging out with the Khaleesi to make a home with you and Kira. A burned up baby had just fallen from the sky. The fighting pits were reopening.
Sarah: That’s the only place I’ve ever heard of that sounds less safe for Kira than Toronto. I’ll keep it in mind.

The three of them play hockey in their socks in the sunlight and laugh and smile, like a gaggle of goons who aren’t constantly being murdered by cult members and literal mad scientists. Then, of course, Sarah’s phone rings and it’s Art. He just wants her to know that a woman came into the station this morning to report being raped, and the guys who did it were twins who look just like Mark the Prolethean. (Remember when Art stood in that wheat field outside of the Prolethean compound last year for like two weeks, just staring at them with some binoculars, and then one day, Helena ran on by him on her way out of dodge? Remember when she ate all his snacks?)

DUCKS FLY TOGETHER.

Well, and that is Sarah’s fun coming to an end for the day/her life. She leaves Kira with Cal and zooms down to the precinct to talk to Art in person. These Castor shitbirds could be the bridge to Helena.

Felix’s Loft of Homoerotic Shenanigans and Bare Butts. Scott arrives to give Cosima a check-up and is pleased to report that she’s getting less and less dead by the day. Pleased but stumped. The science doesn’t add up! Cosima isn’t interested in “science” so much as she’s interested in “being alive,” so she’s not worried about the logic for a minute. Felix can’t believe his ears. He’s halfway to signing her up for one of those witch classes where you do potions and talk to your ancestors when she tells him to slow his roll; she still wants to use her genius science brain to solve the mystery of Kira’s magical stem cells, and she wants to meet with Dr. Nealon over at Dyad to see what he knows about Duncan’s research. Before she and Scott head out, Felix gives her a new ClonePhone. Blue ones this season, and iPhones too.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the gayest of them all?

When you turn someone who looks like Evelyne Brochu, get back to me.

Soccer in the ‘Burbs.

Donnie: Since I still haven’t found a job and you refuse to go back to work with your mother at whatever amazing place Bubbles is, I think we should sell our house.
Alison: Good idea, Donnie. When we list it, should we mention that it is strewn with corpses?
Donnie: Oh. Oh, right.
Alison: How about you act like a team player for once in your life.
Donnie: I am a team player! Team Hendrix! I am so Team Hendrix! Fist me!
Alison: I’m sorry, what did you just say?
Donnie: Fist me! It’s what people say when they knock their fists together to show solidarity, like how President Obama does.

Fist me like Obama!

As Alison is waving like Regina George across the field at Marcie, Ramon toddles up to congratulate Alison on being clean for so long. She hasn’t called and asked him for any pills since she got out of rehab, so she must be standing strong, but just in case she’d like to know, he’s having a going out of business sale because he’s heading off to college soon and everything must go. He figured he’d hit her up first because he likes her best out of all the pill-popping moms at this soccer field, the grand total of which is: all these moms at this soccer field.

Alison’s face lights up like a fireworks finale.

At Castor HQ, Helena is being waterboarded because of course she is because there is no end to this angel’s suffering! Torture, vitals, torture, vitals, torture, vitals. Finally, Mother pokes her head in the door and tells them to shut it down because Helena’s preliminary blood tests are back and she’s definitely got some buns in her oven.

I’m not leaving her home alone with all this j-u-i-c-e around.

I can spell, Mother. You spelled “juice.”

Oh, you’re so brilliant. Let’s see you find it.

Ms. S and Felix hang out at Ms. S house — which continues to be like hanging out in the middle of the interstate, but okay — talking about how she blew it hardcore trading Helena to Paul for information about Kira. And but how was she meant to know? She’d pushed every button she thought Sarah possessed, and Sarah never fought back. Not really. And anyway, Sarah killed Helena once too! But noooo, now all of a sudden, it’s like nobody’s allowed to murder Helena or hand her over to some psychos to be tortured or else you can’t be Sarah’s family anymore. Felix makes Ms. S some tea like the British always do when someone is sad or bleeding to death from a flesh wound, and tells her it’s time to stop pouting and start scheming. He gives her a blue ClonePhone to help with her wily designs.

There’s only three things I do really well, sweetheart, and science and sass are the other ones.

Dyad Institute of Duplicitous Deoxyribonucleic Inquisition. Cosima spins Scott around in his chair and laughs at him while he protests that he’s gonna throw up. They’re jolted from their playtimes by Dr. Nealon, who is taking a break from who even knows what to meet with them. Fitting Rachel for an eyeball transplant. Sewing tails on Castor clones. Hiring a hitman to off Bill Nye. Eating Cheerios, sinisterly.

Cosima: Oh, shit, dude, your pants are on fire!
Nealon: WHAT?!?
Cosima: That was just a joke because of how you are a liar.
Nealon: They told me Sarah was the sarcastic one.
Cosima: Hey, so remember how that Castor clone escaped and you didn’t bother to tell us, even though those guys keep on trying to murder us? And remember how you tried to loot Sarah’s ovaries? Remember how you’re the worst?
Nealon: I knew we should have just cloned some sea otters.
Cosima: Anyway, Scottie’s got a question for you.
Scott: Yeah, um, where’s the original genome?
Nealon: Duncan lost it when the military shut down funding for Castor and Leda, like Leekie told you.
Cosima: Bullshit, but good to know where you stand at least.

Don’t look now but are there some giant Gatsby eyeballs dressed like the Joker staring at us.

Sarah strolls up to the police department like some kind of Beth Childs to chat with Art and the woman the Castor guys assaulted. He can’t believe she has the gall to show up at a place where she pretended to be a detective, and her sister pretended to be her pretending to be a detective. It’s not that he’s worried that she’s going to get him in trouble; Art can handle himself. It’s that Angie is still lurking around here somewhere and if she scopes Sarah’s face for even a nanosecond, she’s gonna start in again with her awful bullshit again, and then where will they be?

The woman who was assaulted doesn’t want to talk to Sarah anyway. She’s rightfully furious because Art’s not going to arrest these guys, even though the conditions of consent changed for the sexual situation she was in, after which the two of them ripped out some of her hair and stole all of her personal information. She’s like, “Because once you agree to let a guy stick his dick in you, all bets are off, right? It’s an implied yes to literally everything that happens after that?” Art’s face says he gets how fucked up the law is, but there’s nothing he can do about it. The weirdest things about the Castor guys is: 1) Their matching horse tattoos, and 2) How mad Rudy was on Seth’s behalf when this woman told them no.

It’s almost like the they were raised in a culture of toxic hypermasculinity where they were conditioned to believe they’re entitled to do whatever they want with women’s bodies, which are things that exist only to make babies and serve their sexual whims. Right? That’s why Sarah and Helena are “made of the good stuff.” And that’s why they didn’t even blink at the idea of raping this woman. “Transitory Sacrifices Of Crisis” is much more focused on Orphan Black‘s straight dudes than the Leda clones/Felix, and while that’s not my preference, obviously, I’m really impressed that the writers come out unapologetically swinging at gender constructs and rape culture. Their disdain for both of those things is not subtle, and it is so refreshing.

(I actually also really enjoyed that they dialed back the pace of this episode by a zillion. It was nice to take a breath and assess where all the chess pieces are before the board is inevitably blown to smithereens by like the ghost of Ethan Duncan riding on the back of a velociraptor stuffed with dynamite.)

Men are like atoms. They make up everything.

Sarah calls Cosima to talk about the horse tattoos, and she’s all, “Oh, right. Castor and Pollux. Like those twin brothers from Greek mythology that Leda gave birth to by laying some eggs. No wonder they’re so obsessed with your ovaries.” Cosima tells Sarah this seems like an impossibly circuitous way to get to Helena, and so maybe she should just call Paul and ask him where she is.

In the ‘burbs, Donnie and Alison meet up with Ramon in the soccer shed where Sarah first made Ali’s acquaintance, and they offer to buy his drug business for practically a million dollars. Well, Alison does. Donnie’s not sure where they’re going to find a million dollars when they barely have the money to pay next month’s mortgage. Alison is like, “We’re getting it out of the retirement fund, duh, and it’s not just a lucrative deal in terms of pills, Donnie; it’s also the key to my election to the school board.” He kisses her face and twirls her around because Alison’s Machiavellian sociopathy turns him on more than a whole stockpile of Big Boob Blowies. Ramon tries to drive up the price of his business, but Alison’s ample stones allow her to stand strong on her original offer. Ramon finally relents.

Finger me!

I’m going to buy you some sex slang flash cards.

Seth and Rudy are waiting around to get extracted back to Mother, but Seth starts glitching over the phone, so Rudy decides to abort his mission and find a way to help his brother. Obviously he goes straight for Felix’s forever unlocked apartment. Cosima! You are too smart to leave the key to the mystery sitting on a shelf in that place! If Ms. S wants to play in traffic, that’s her business, but you gotta use that noggin, girl!

Castor HQ. One of the military guys is trying to give Helena the brain teaser test like the one Paul grumbled at Seth and Rudy, but she doesn’t have time for his shit because Pupok is super worked up about getting his hands on some mangoes. The military guy is like, “All mangoes are fruit. Some fruits are mangoes. All fruits are mangoes. True or false.” And the whole time, Pupok is crawling around on the floor singing, “This is the mango, the yellow yellow mango! King of the Fruits, it’s very very sweet! Eat it as a salad or drink it as a milkshake, eat it as an ice cream or have it as a cake!” Helena asks the military guy where she can get some of these sweet mangoes, and he’s about to lose it on her when Mother comes in to take Helena away and feed her a salad.

If you keep this up, I will not ask my sestra to make you a top hat!

Helena: These Castor assholes, they’re all your sons?
Mother: Weird, right? I never wanted kids. I didn’t think I’d be a good mom.
Helena: You weren’t wrong.
Mother: So your family, they’re the ones who sold you out.
Helena: Nope. Neither my sestras nor my sestra-brother would do that, and you can waterboard me until I drown, but I still won’t believe it.
Mother: Getting to know you is going to be a good time.
Helena: Until my sestra arrives and kills you to death.

After exactly no help at all from Ms. S w/r/t tracking down Paul, Sarah returns to Felix’s apartment with the only science more magical than Duncan’s book. (Kira, is who I am talking about.) Sarah tells Kira to hang out by herself while she runs a bath, but hey, guess what? Rudy is still in there, eyes made up like one of Felix’s paintings, and he scoops Kira right up and threatens to start sawing her up into tiny unicorn pieces if Sarah doesn’t hand over Duncan’s research/the original genome. Sarah cries. Kira cries. But I’m just remembering I forgot to tell you what Scott’s face looked like when he came face-to-face with Felix for the first time when he was here earlier.

Are you gay?

I am now!

Do you think Felix is to men what Emily Fields is to women, in terms of making them gay? Probably, right?

While the showdown is going on at Felix’s, Paul breaks into Cal’s apartment and tells him to make Sarah leave town before she either gets murdered or finds out Cal used to be a guy who built WMDs. Cal decides Paul is right and it’s time to get going with that Winnebago life again, so he bebops on over to Felix’s to talk to Sarah, but finds his path blocked by Seth. They do a zig-zag karate dance around each other, and then Seth’s brain starts malfunctioning, so he ends up falling to the floor and writhing around and hollering and clutching his head.

We’re going to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Noooo, that’s worse than The Squeakquel!

Upstairs, Rudy hears Seth flipping out, and since Sarah isn’t coming up with any actual science to help him help Seth, he lets Kira go and rushes downstairs to help his brother — by shooting him in the face. Well. Okay, then. Rudy tells Seth to rest and shuts his eyes and when Seth dies, and rushes out the door leaving Cal stunned to be alive.

Sarah decides the best thing to do is to send Kira away with Cal so they can stay safe together. It’s sad. Everyone’s sad. Sarah cries, Kira cries, Felix cries, Ms. S cries. This is a smart move for the show, though. There’s not much else to do with Kira right now, besides letting her get kidnapped and run over all the time, and even Pretty Little Liars got tired of those to plot lines after three seasons, and Cal is pretty and everything but he’s no Felix. Let ’em dawdle off screen together for a while so we can have more Leda clone dance parties.

Sarah, the greatest mother in the world, asked me to bring Kira here to keep her safe.

I am the mother of literal dragons, bitch.

In a Motel 6 somewhere in probably Kansas, Gracie the Prolethean wakes up calling for her new husband Mark, but he tells her to go back to bed, because he’s in the bathroom burning the Castor tattoo off his arm WITH A BLOWTORCH.

Next week: Rudy spends four hours answering logic questions from Paul, but then realizes he’s just been talking to a wall. Pupok tells Helena to tell Mother to buy a cotton candy machine for Castor HQ’s mess hall. Alison fills a Moleskine with business plan notes while watching a marathon of Weeds. Sarah follows the trail one step closer to Helena. And Cosima feels conflicted about liking Delphine’s “Became HBIC of Dyad” Life Event on Facebook.

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