In the ‘burbs, Donnie and Alison meet up with Ramon in the soccer shed where Sarah first made Ali’s acquaintance, and they offer to buy his drug business for practically a million dollars. Well, Alison does. Donnie’s not sure where they’re going to find a million dollars when they barely have the money to pay next month’s mortgage. Alison is like, “We’re getting it out of the retirement fund, duh, and it’s not just a lucrative deal in terms of pills, Donnie; it’s also the key to my election to the school board.” He kisses her face and twirls her around because Alison’s Machiavellian sociopathy turns him on more than a whole stockpile of Big Boob Blowies. Ramon tries to drive up the price of his business, but Alison’s ample stones allow her to stand strong on her original offer. Ramon finally relents.
Finger me!
I’m going to buy you some sex slang flash cards.
Seth and Rudy are waiting around to get extracted back to Mother, but Seth starts glitching over the phone, so Rudy decides to abort his mission and find a way to help his brother. Obviously he goes straight for Felix’s forever unlocked apartment. Cosima! You are too smart to leave the key to the mystery sitting on a shelf in that place! If Ms. S wants to play in traffic, that’s her business, but you gotta use that noggin, girl!
Castor HQ. One of the military guys is trying to give Helena the brain teaser test like the one Paul grumbled at Seth and Rudy, but she doesn’t have time for his shit because Pupok is super worked up about getting his hands on some mangoes. The military guy is like, “All mangoes are fruit. Some fruits are mangoes. All fruits are mangoes. True or false.” And the whole time, Pupok is crawling around on the floor singing, “This is the mango, the yellow yellow mango! King of the Fruits, it’s very very sweet! Eat it as a salad or drink it as a milkshake, eat it as an ice cream or have it as a cake!” Helena asks the military guy where she can get some of these sweet mangoes, and he’s about to lose it on her when Mother comes in to take Helena away and feed her a salad.
If you keep this up, I will not ask my sestra to make you a top hat!
Helena: These Castor assholes, they’re all your sons?
Mother: Weird, right? I never wanted kids. I didn’t think I’d be a good mom.
Helena: You weren’t wrong.
Mother: So your family, they’re the ones who sold you out.
Helena: Nope. Neither my sestras nor my sestra-brother would do that, and you can waterboard me until I drown, but I still won’t believe it.
Mother: Getting to know you is going to be a good time.
Helena: Until my sestra arrives and kills you to death.
After exactly no help at all from Ms. S w/r/t tracking down Paul, Sarah returns to Felix’s apartment with the only science more magical than Duncan’s book. (Kira, is who I am talking about.) Sarah tells Kira to hang out by herself while she runs a bath, but hey, guess what? Rudy is still in there, eyes made up like one of Felix’s paintings, and he scoops Kira right up and threatens to start sawing her up into tiny unicorn pieces if Sarah doesn’t hand over Duncan’s research/the original genome. Sarah cries. Kira cries. But I’m just remembering I forgot to tell you what Scott’s face looked like when he came face-to-face with Felix for the first time when he was here earlier.
Are you gay?
I am now!
Do you think Felix is to men what Emily Fields is to women, in terms of making them gay? Probably, right?
While the showdown is going on at Felix’s, Paul breaks into Cal’s apartment and tells him to make Sarah leave town before she either gets murdered or finds out Cal used to be a guy who built WMDs. Cal decides Paul is right and it’s time to get going with that Winnebago life again, so he bebops on over to Felix’s to talk to Sarah, but finds his path blocked by Seth. They do a zig-zag karate dance around each other, and then Seth’s brain starts malfunctioning, so he ends up falling to the floor and writhing around and hollering and clutching his head.
We’re going to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.
Noooo, that’s worse than The Squeakquel!
Upstairs, Rudy hears Seth flipping out, and since Sarah isn’t coming up with any actual science to help him help Seth, he lets Kira go and rushes downstairs to help his brother — by shooting him in the face. Well. Okay, then. Rudy tells Seth to rest and shuts his eyes and when Seth dies, and rushes out the door leaving Cal stunned to be alive.
Sarah decides the best thing to do is to send Kira away with Cal so they can stay safe together. It’s sad. Everyone’s sad. Sarah cries, Kira cries, Felix cries, Ms. S cries. This is a smart move for the show, though. There’s not much else to do with Kira right now, besides letting her get kidnapped and run over all the time, and even Pretty Little Liars got tired of those to plot lines after three seasons, and Cal is pretty and everything but he’s no Felix. Let ’em dawdle off screen together for a while so we can have more Leda clone dance parties.
Sarah, the greatest mother in the world, asked me to bring Kira here to keep her safe.
I am the mother of literal dragons, bitch.
In a Motel 6 somewhere in probably Kansas, Gracie the Prolethean wakes up calling for her new husband Mark, but he tells her to go back to bed, because he’s in the bathroom burning the Castor tattoo off his arm WITH A BLOWTORCH.
Next week: Rudy spends four hours answering logic questions from Paul, but then realizes he’s just been talking to a wall. Pupok tells Helena to tell Mother to buy a cotton candy machine for Castor HQ’s mess hall. Alison fills a Moleskine with business plan notes while watching a marathon of Weeds. Sarah follows the trail one step closer to Helena. And Cosima feels conflicted about liking Delphine’s “Became HBIC of Dyad” Life Event on Facebook.
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– Are Alison and Donnie not the best?
– “Where are these mangoes? We like mangoes.”
– Well Dr. Coady, you’re on the right track giving Helena food, but it’s not sugar so better luck next time.
– That Prolethean Mark scene made me just curl my toes and, “NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.”
PS – I need a clip of Helena and Pupok talking about mangoes.
When Donnie said ‘Fist me’ I choked on my tea and proceeded to cough for the next minute *lol*
Alison and Donnie are the best indeed!
Very very uncomfortable with all the Castor clones. Waterboarding, not cool. Raping a woman, not cool (although shoutout to the writers for pointing out that bullshit when she went to the cops). Holding Kira hostage, uncool. Rudy shooting Seth, unexpected. Mark blowtorching his tattoo off, unexpected.
I’m liking this trend of making Orphan Black the official TV show for misandry.
A person I talk with on another site said that Tatiana said that you can’t fake waterboarding, so in that scene she’s actually being waterboarded.
The “fist me” scene was perfect. And Alison just looking at the camera like she’s on the Office, just in disbelief.
I’m really happy with the writing of this show, calling out casual misogyny and rape culture.
Also, just to keep a casual eye on it…
Things Tatiana Maslany Does in Orphan Black:
1- 10) Plays Sarah, Beth, Katja, Alison, Cosima, Helena, Rachel, Jennifer, Tony, and Krystal (so far)
11) Voices and does sfx for a scorpion
12) Is Waterboarded
13) Produces
14) ???? 2390842 other things probably
So, have you guys seen the 4 hidden syllogisms (the riddles the Castor clones and Helena had to solve) that were in the trailers for season 3? I guess they were like, coded in binary and some people deciphered them. Which like, I didn’t even know they were putting that much effort into fan easter eggs, so that’s cool. Anyway, they are:
1)”Some scorpions are predators. No predator is a pet. Conclusion: Some scorpions are not pets. True or False?” And we have Pupok.
2)”Some bathtubs are bloody. All blood is suspicious. Conclusion: Some bathtubs are suspicious. True or False?” And in the episode 3 preview we see Sarah and Felix drawing a very dead Seth a nice bath.
3)”Some products are hypoallergenic. All soaps are hypoallergenic. Conclusion: All products are soap. True or False?” Maybe spoiler alert? There was an e3 trailer that maybe people haven’t seen. Donnie and Alison are making soap as a front for their fun little drug-ring project.
4) “No organ functions without oxygen. Some organs are brains. Conclusion: Some brains function without oxygen. True or False?” I don’t think we’ve gotten anything for this one yet. I’m wondering if it has to do with Cosima because of her lung thing? Or the Castors because of their brain glitch thing? Someone’s going to die. Maybe it was referring to Seth though?
I’m wondering if they’re going to keep putting little easter eggs like that in the trailers. I don’t have the energy to solve them, but it’s cool that they’re there.
Re: Felix turning Scott – Still not Evelyn Brochu. Perhaps if he turned Paul. Maybe then he’d be on par. Maybe.
I am so incredibly disappointed that “blue as the skies of lesbos” did not get an honorable mention. S.M.H.
Dammit Heather I wanted to solve that riddle on my own! (No I didn’t.)
It’s worth noting that Greek mythology’s Leda was also raped by Zeus in the guise of a swan (either raped or seduced, depending on the source; the notion of consent baffles the patriarchy).
“It’s almost like the they were raised in a culture of toxic hypermasculinity where they were conditioned to believe they’re entitled to do whatever they want with women’s bodies, which are things that exist only to make babies and serve their sexual whims.”
Bless you, Heather!
Brilliant recap, I especially loved that part.
Also Helen was a daughter of Zeus and Leda, Helena is the “violent” clone. And like Helen Helena gets “sold” and traded around like a commodity. There’s destruction where ever she goes.
I’d point out the biblical roots of Sarah and Rachel, but uh both matriarchs struggled with infertility so uh it doesn’t “poetically” fit.
Oh yeah and Delphine basically means of Delphi which is where the Oracle was at, linked up to the gods yanno. Or dolphins, which are an animal that have lesbian sex.
Whatever connection floats your boat. :P
I’m still laughing over “A tophat for Pupok”.I do hope someone with mad photoshop skills will make that happen!
Pupok can then go on to gain celebrity status on a site such as “Cute Things in Tophats” and whenever someone feels obliged to protest the presence of a scorpion, the standard answer will be “But it’s Pupok and he loves mangoes!”
The crittter is really beginning to grow on me.
Also, anyone else think “Mother” and Mrs.S would be great having a bunch of beers together at a bar sometime? Just swapping stories about their crazy pasts and about the multiple, identical kids, you know.
I feel like Mother and Mrs S would theoretically get along, but that in this universe they’d be like rival dance moms clashing while their clone kids are just like “Maaaaa, you’re embarrassing us… no one else’s mom fights their battle for them”
To which they both respond “well I guess you have a bloody good mum then!” And continue to tear each other apart.
Can someone fanfic this please? I needs.
I was going to say I loved your recaps *almost* as much as Orphan Black but they’re now so much a part of the whole experience that I don’t think it’d be fair to compare.
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