Hey Clonesters, welcome to the recap of the second episode of the smash hit show my mother refers to as “Orphan is the New Black.”

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We open in the hospital where nurses are tending to Helena. Everyone seems pretty amazed that she’s even alive, considering she took a bullet to the chest.

Art and Sarah are investigating the Prolethians and trying to figure out what they want with Kira. I’m trying to figure out what is up with that belt buckle. Is it supposed to be a Jesus fish? Who knows.

Felix arrives and is surprised that Sarah let Art into Clone Club. But he doesn’t know the secret handshake or anything! She doesn’t know where she is, but there’s a scary old man with her. Scary hangs up the phone before Sarah can get any more info.

Art is able to trace the call to an old motel, and he and Sarah get ready to go. Because no mission is complete without accessories, Felix gives Sarah a kicky green clone phone! He really is the best BFF a girl could ask for.

Over in Preppyville, Alison and family are attending Aynsley’s funeral. Alison feels guilty as fuck for letting Aynsley die in a tragic scarf/garbage disposal accident that now has me scared to use my own garbage disposal. I don’t even wear scarves, but since when does fear make sense?

To make matters worse, all the preppy moms are gossiping about Alison banging Aynsley’s husband, Donnie is being useless, and her kids just stole the funerary flowers. Go Team Hendrix!

Alison’s friend Sarah Stubbs from the musical comes over and gives her a hug. She also tells her not to mind them nosy bitches.

Alison, who is weighed down with her family’s coats, feels Donnie’s phone ring. When she checks his phone she finds a series of incriminating texts…Donnie was her monitor all along!

Though she is trying to stay dry, Alison grabs the nearest drink and downs that shit while the world around her crumbles.

We then go to a country farm, where we meet Pastor Henrik/Hank aka Lorna’s husband Bob from Bomb Girls! Are there only like, 30 actors in Canada? When are those Degrassi kids gonna start showing up? Marco could date Felix, Paige could hook up with Cosima, think about it, BBC America!

Hank is soon joined by Belt Buckle, whom he praises for saving Helena. Hank refers to her as the sister of the mother aka the one that got away. Hank then fists/inseminates a cow, and they praise the Lord.

Hank and BB make plans to get Helena out of the hospital, and Hank’s wife Bonnie asks if she needs to make a bed, or if Helena can just crash in the barn baby Jesus style.

We then jump to Cosima (swoon) getting questioned by Dr. Leekie about Sarah’s party crashing/Rachel smashing antics. Cosima denies any involvement, and Delphine backs her up.

Dr. Leekie tells her not to mess with Rachel, and that he doesn’t want a war. Unless it’s a thumb war. Then he’s all in. Delphine just wants to go to their new lab and “make crazy science” with Cosima. Hey girl hey. They have major advancements to make in the field of Fingerblasterology.

Sarah and Art show up at the old motel, but Kira and the old guy have already blown the joint. They search the hotel room, where Sarah finds a drawing by Kira. Art sees Daniel aka Rachel’s henchman outside, so he goes to shake him down.

Sarah finds a trail of tiny socks and clothes and follows it into a laundry room, then a garage. Whenever I’m following a trail of socks I usually find a very pleased looking dachshund in a laundry basket, but Sarah isn’t so lucky.

We then cut to a dusty country road, where the car stops and Sarah is taken out of the trunk. Once out she kicks the old guy in the balls but is quickly calmed by… Mrs. S! With a rifle!

Before Sarah can say “what the actual fuck?”, Mrs. S tells her that she’s passing through an air lock, a secret route for people on the run. She unties her and Sarah wants to know whose side she’s really on. Mrs. S assures her she’s on Team Sarah, as are we all (JK we are on Team Cosima and Delphine Making Out).

Back at the Dyad Institute, Cosima is getting a tour of her swanky new digs. Turns out that Dyad is a storied old company that has created vaccines for millions in addition to a bunch of hot clones.

Dr. Leekie shows her to a dusty old lab that Cosima calls “Clone Jail”, but he assures her that they’ll customize it to her needs.
He tells her to make a wish list; any tech she wants, she’ll have.

We then tie our sweaters around our shoulders and head on back to Preppyville, where Alison is rehearsing the musical. Getting over Aynsley’s death is not easy when you’re performing a musical about dead bodies.

It’s like dealing with a facial disfigurement while performing Phantom of the Opera. Or handling a roller derby injury while doing Starlight Express. Or trying to deal with bisexual clichés and prejudice while starring in Rent. It’s hard, is what I’m getting at.

Anyway, Alison accidently knocks over a dancer and the director tells everyone to take five. The director then tells Alison that she needs to breathe deeper, and emphasizes this by groping her ass and rubbing her belly.

Hands off, Grossy McGross! They should fire this tool and hire Corky St. Clair, STAT.

Felix shows up to rescue Alison from getting molested. He claims to be Alison’s acting coach (which is adorable) and they go to a nearby classroom to catch up.

Alison tells Felix that Donnie is her monitor, but Felix says that they need more proof than just some vague texts. This sends Alison into a guilty tailspin over Aynsley’s death, and concern over going to jail. Can you imagine Alison in jail? She’d be running that joint in a week.

Also, it needs to be mentioned that throughout this scene, Alison and Felix are drinking from tiny airplane bottles of booze. Are they just carrying this around everywhere?

Felix says they need an idea to trap Donnie, and Alison tells him what every college student already knows: drinking leads to ideas.

Meanwhile, Mrs. S and Sarah are traipsing through the woods towards a safe house. They were never kidnapped; Mrs. S just made it look that way to throw people off the scent.

She takes Sarah to the safe house they stayed in when they first left the U.K. Here, Sarah re-meets Barry and Brenda, aka the Bird Watchers, a network of people who help refugees stay safe and disappear.

Kira comes running out to greet Sarah, and mother and daughter are reunited. Yay!

Meanwhile, Angela shows up at Art’s apartment and wants to know what the fuck is going on. She shows him photos of Helena in the hospital, but Art refuses to let her into Clone Club.

He tells her to drop it, which of course means that the next scene is Angela storming Helena’s hospital room. But Helena is gone; she’s being wheeled out by Belt Buckle.

We then jaunt on over to the Prolethian Farm House, where Bonnie and her daughter Gracie are talking about Helena aka their new ward. They keep referring to her as “it”, which is not cool, guys. Clones are people two! SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

Hank goes in to see Helena resting and creepy old Tomas whipping himself with his belt. Gross.

Tomas thanks Hank for rescuing them and taking them in. He was going to pray for her, but then he remembered that abominations have no souls. I think we know why Helena is so fucked up, guys.

Dr. Pastor Hank, who apparently went to MIT, took some x-rays of Helena’s body, and it turns out that she’s a mirror image of Sarah. Literally. All her organs are reversed, which is how she survived the gun shot. Dr. Hank explains it as a “yin yang” sitch, and says it’s common in identical twins.

Tomas treats this not as a miracle, but as further proof that Helena is damned. But Hank is a pro-science Prolethian who sees Helena as the war for the future of creation. I don’t think either viewpoints bode well for poor Helena.

Over at the Bird Watcher’s house, Sarah is giving Kira a tour of her old digs. She even shows her where she and Felix carved their names into the headboard. It’s pretty adorable.

Back in Preppyville, Alison watches Donnie on the elliptical and sets her trap in motion. She pretends to call Sarah and plan a meet-up with her, but she’s really just talking to Felix, who is working on a nude portrait in the nude. It’s like naked multitasking.

Donnie takes the bait and follows Alison to Aynsley’s grave, where she is meeting up with Musical Sarah, not Clone Sarah. Donnie is bumbling around the cemetery in a not at all discreet way, which makes me wonder how he managed to hide from Alison this long. Real talk, he’s a shitty spy.

Alison of course sees him, but he pretends to be worried about her and quickly buggers off. Alison is certain now that Donnie is her monitor, and presumably is off to Michael’s for some more glue sticks.

Back that the Bird Watcher’s house, Kira plays while Sarah grills Siobhan. Mrs. S was planning on taking Kira with her to London that night, to keep her out of harm’s way. She assures Sarah that she’ll bring her over when it’s safe.

Sarah is dismayed at the idea of losing her daughter again, but Mrs. S tells her that it’s not her fault. She’s just in a whirlwind of shit that’s out of her control. Sarah questions Mrs. S about the photo Amelia gave her and Project LEDA, but Mrs. S swears she knows nothing.

Over dinner, Sarah finds out that Mrs. S and the Bird Watchers used to sell weapons to finance freedom, which is kind of like fucking for virginity, but whatever. They talk about the dangers of the work and Sarah gets concerned about how safe this safe house really is.

Meanwhile, at the Dyad lab, Cosima and Delphine are making out and making a shopping list for their new lab.

They’re interrupted by Rachel, who wants to talk to Cosima alone. Clone block!

The first thing Rachel says to Cosima is, “So, you’re gay?” which is not the first thing I would ever say to my clone (the first thing would be “nice boobs, right?” then a high five, then a question about her sexuality). Cosima answers that, despite what Tumblr says, her sexuality is not the most interesting thing about her.

Rachel gives Cosima her latest medical tests results, as well as Katja’s data. She tells Cosima that they need to figure out the illness. Cosima wants to study the original genome, but Rachel tells her it’s not possible.

She then assures Cosima that the damage was done during the cloning procedure, which is a total clone slam. She then gives her Sarah’s file and fully sequenced genome; she wants to find out what makes Sarah so different… and what makes Kira so special.

Sarah is helping Kira pack, when Kira tells her that Mrs. S was snooping in Amelia’s stuff and is full of secrets and might not be on Team Clone after all. Sarah decides to take Kira and make a run for it.

While they sneak out, Barry tells Mrs. S that there are delays with their ride. Brenda pulls a gun on Mrs. S — the Bird Watchers double crossed them!

They sold them out to the Prolethians for money, as fighting for change and justice is not a real money maker. Boo-fucking-hoo Bird Watchers, anyone who works for a non-profit could have told you that!

Mrs. S kicks the shit out of Brenda and stabs her hands into the dining room table. Who knew Mrs. S was such a badass?

Sarah and Kira steal a truck and try to drive away when Barry comes after them. Sarah hits him with a metal lunch box but before he can retaliate he’s gunned down by Mrs. S. Sarah and Kira drive away, nodding at Mrs. S as they go.

Back in the not-so-safe house, Mrs. S tells Brenda that Sarah and Kira are from Project LEDA… looks like she was lying after all. Mrs. S then shoots Brenda in the head.

Alison calls Felix begging him to help her, but Felix is out of time. He’s leaving town with Sarah and Kira, and he can’t tell Clone Club where they are going.

Alison feels helpless, and Felix tells her that Aynsley’s death is not really her fault. I mean, kind of, but not really.

He tells her to call Cosima and just play possum for now.

As Felix, Sarah, and Kira head off, we head over to the Prolethian Farm, where Hank talks science with Tomas. Hank wants to see if Helena is fertile, but Tomas is still on his religious bent.

If Tomas is so convinced that Helena is evil, then why has he been caring for her for so long? What’s his involvement with Project LEDA? Before we can find out, Belt Buckle shoots Tomas with a cattle gun.

RIP Tomas, you were a fundamentalist dick. Although I doubt that Hank and company will be much better.

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