Hey Clones!
Welcome to your Orphan Black recaps! Have you been watching since the beginning? Did you mainline season one all over again? Or did you, like Forever Intern Grace, just dive the fuck into season two? Were you confused? She sure was.
To quickly recap the series for all you noobs, Orphan Black is about grifter and single mother Sarah Manning whose life gets fucked sideways when she sees her doppelganger commit suicide. When Sarah takes over her life/work/boytoy, she discovers that she is one of many human clones in existence, and she joins forces with her clone bros to find out what the fuck happened to them.
Why are we recapping this show? Well, aside from being excellent, one of the clones, Cosima (aka dreadlocks adorkable clone) is gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. And she has a hot French girlfriend and it’s COMPLICATED, like most hot French girls are. And all the clones are played masterfully by Tatiana Maslany, who is perfection/your new girl crush.
Are you ready? I’m ready!
We open with Sarah running through the rainy streets of Toronto, looking for her daughter Kira and Mrs. S, her foster mother. Also, she just shot her insane Ukranian serial killer twin sister Helena, who murdered their birth mother. So you know, she’s had better days.
Cause you had a bad day, you’re taking one down…
You sing a sad song just to turn it around…
Sarah has recently learned that all the clones are patented, which means they are owned by the ominous Dyad Institute.
What do you mean A-Camp 2014 is sold out?! That’s bollocks!
She tries calling the other clones, but their numbers are disconnected. Sarah calls Paul, but her call is answered by Proclone Rachel (aka severe bob clone). Rachel tells Sarah that her family is being held at the Dyad Institute, and Sarah needs to turn herself in if she ever wants to see them again.
Fucking Boost Mobile!
While Sarah seeks refuge in a creepy old diner, two goons walk in and start harassing her. They try to take her, but the kindly old diner guy pulls his shotgun on them and tells them to GTFO.
Hey, do you have a businesswomen’s special? You know, like a special for business women?
If one more hipster walks in ordering quinoa I swear to God…
Goon #1 shoots Diner Guy in the head, and Diner Guy blasts him with his shotgun. Sarah breaks free and makes a run for it. She gets trapped in a bathroom (we’ve all been there, girl) and uses a fire extinguisher to break a hole in the wall and scamper out.
Toilets: you’re using them wrong
We then roll the opening credits, which is a series of blooming glistening orchids. In fact, I think I know who designed it:
Sarah goes to a gay club and finds her foster brother Felix in a sweaty man pile. Felix is tripping balls and rocking some assless chaps, so he’s basically me on a Tuesday (JK I would never wear chaps).
Is that a riding crop in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Sarah tries to get him to snap out of it, but Felix is rolling deep. She also calls him a silly tit, which might be my new favorite jab. Paul calls her and tells her she has to come in, but Sarah refuses.
Put your balls away, it’s time to get to work!
We jet on over to Cosima and Delphine, who are partially clothed and enjoying an intimate moment of blood testing. Cosima is sick with the mystery clone illness aka coughing up blood.
Felix is gonna be so pissed when he finds out we lit all his candles
Delphine wants Cosima to come with her to the big fancy Dyad party, and tells her she wants to protect her. Cosima refuses; she wants to test the samples herself. She says “my biology, my decision”, which is probably the most grad student-y statement of all time.
You’ve tested positive for Satine from Moulin Rouge disease
Does this mean we can finally have some Baz Luhrmann role play?
Fine, but I get to be Leonardo DiCaprio this time
Meanwhile, Felix shows up at Allison’s house looking for a gun. Allison (aka soccer mom crazy pants clone) needs her high as a kite gay BFF to get out before he wakes her schlubby husband Donny.
Of course it’s faux leather, I’m not an animal!
Allison is trying to keep her shit together: she’s quit drinking/torturing men with hot glue guns/murdering the neighbors.
This is really important: do you have any Capri Sun?
I drank it all
Allison assures Felix that she can get a gun from her hook-up, Ramone. Also, she’s doing a musical and doesn’t have time for these crazy clone shenanigans.
Felix, like all of us, is imagining the glory of an Allison/Helena “Defying Gravity” performance
The next day, Proclone Rachel watches as Paul sets up a meet with Sarah.
I want a cheesy crust pizza and enough cinnamon sticks to choke a donkey
But Sarah is too smart for Rachel’s bullshit, so she has a skater give Paul a burner phone so they can talk unmonitored. She finds out that Rachel will be getting on a plane with Kira tomorrow, but she’ll be at the big Dyad party that night. Also, her henchman Daniel is coming after her.
Well, my refrigerator is running just fine, thanks for asking
Prince Albert in a can? What the fuck does that mean?!
Said henchman Daniel goes to chase down Sarah in the skate park, but he’s fooled by a skater girl who tells him that Sarah says “up yours!”. Sarah is better at this spy shit than actual spies.
And by “yours” she means your butt hole, get it?
Doesn’t get it
Sarah hops on a bus and borrows a child’s cell phone to call Cosima and Felix. The kid asks to touch her boob, which…get in line, kid.
No, I don’t wanna buy weed from you, I was hoping you’d just give it to me.
How I feel when Paul is on screen
Felix and Cosima are sharing a joint at his apartment, and Cosima wants to go to the Dyad party to find some answers.
What do you mean this is indica?! I have a research paper due!
Sidebar: I love that they portray Cosima as a brilliant, accomplished scientist who also enjoys recreational weed. More of this, please.
Do I have any Fruit Roll-Up in my teeth?
Meanwhile, Allison hits up her connection Ramone, who is a young guy working at Economart. Turns out that Ramone sells all manner of drugs in addition to guns. What an enterprising youth.
Welcome to Drugs Mart, how may I service you?
I’m looking for something that says “mom likes leather.”
Delphine goes to Dyad to see Dr. Leekie, who remains creepy as fuck. She brings him Cosima’s blood sample AND refers to her by her bar code number, which is way harsh Tai. She says she’s invested and wants to help Cosima.
Look, I know that scissoring wasn’t in your job description, but…
Dr. Leekie wants Cosima working for them, and Delphine assures him she’s on it. He tells her to be careful playing for the other team, which is a pretty solid gay/double agent joke. He also seems upset that Cosima is scared of them. Here’s a thought: be less creepy and stalkery and maybe she won’t be so terrified!
I have to go, Cosima needs me to pick up 45 candles
Waiting for the new Crash pad clip to buffer
We jump over to Allison’s community theatre rehearsal, which is a delight. Since Ainsley got viciously murdered by her own garbage disposal, Allison will be taking over in the lead role. She starts singing and dancing about dead bodies and plasma. What kind of fucking musical is this?! (It’s Blood Ties apparently).
Seriously doubting her commitment to Sparkle Motion
Allison, it’s Hair, I thought you were on board with full frontal
Art, Beth’s police partner, walks in and sees Allison rehearsing.
Nice props work, ladies
Allison does her best Suzanne impression for “Orange is the Black: The Musical”
Art goes out to his new partner Angela (aka Bo’s mom on Lost Girl), who spots Sarah walking to the theatre. They stop her and arrest her.
Normally I’d be all about getting handcuffed by a succubus, but I have work to do
Allison sees Sarah getting arrested, and scuttles back inside with her contraband gun.
Rachel and Paul are at Dyad, and they walk into Dr. Leekie’s office to find him wearing a tuxedo and practicing his big speech. Leekie asks Rachel if she really kidnapped Kira, and calls the kid a biological goldmine. Turns out so is Sarah. FYI from now on I’ll be using “girl, you’re a biological goldmine” as my standard pick-up line. Rachel tells him to mind his own beeswax and ties his tie.
If these two kiss I’m gonna throw up in my mouth
The cops take Sarah to the diner, which is now a crime scene. Sarah tells Art that the bad guys have her daughter, and she needs to be let go. Art wants the truth, but Sarah doesn’t have the time. They are forced to let her go, since being a smoking hot badass is not illegal.
Just realized someone farted in the car
Sarah re-groups with Felix and Cosima. Felix doesn’t want her to turn herself in, while Cosima wants to go to the fancy party to get more information/see Delphine in formal wear.
If we’re not doing this threeway then I’m putting my pajamas back on.
Ramone stops by to deliver flowers/gun from Allison and flirt with Felix. It’s pretty cute.
Hey boy hey
Allison also handmade a card to go with her lethal bouquet, because she’s got it like that. Cosima says they need a plan more elaborate than “storm Dyad with pistol,” but storming into places is kind of Sarah’s M.O.
Allison is too busy sewing for this Skype sex sesh, so she’ll just watch instead
Wait, you guys don’t do jazz hands after sex? I thought we were identical!
Sarah comes up with a plan, but Allison isn’t going to like it. Allison doesn’t like a lot of things, guys. Sarah calls Paul and tells him that she wants to meet Daniel face to face. She then sends the goons to go pick up Allison, which is kind of a dick move to someone who just gifted you with an unlicensed gun and some azaleas.
I don’t think you heard my boss. She said ALL the cinnamon sticks!
So Daniel and his goons go to bust Allison in her red minivan, and they picked the wrong clone to fuck with. Allison kicks them, maces them, and rape whistles the shit out of them. She is tossed in the car and Daniel immediately recognizes that she isn’t Sarah.
Tweet tweet motherfucker!
If my puffy vest is damaged, you will ALL PAY…for me to get a new one at Talbot’s.
Meanwhile, the Dyad Institute party is in full swing, and Sarah is there, disguised as Cosima. I love the scenes where the clones have to impersonate each other as it only further highlights Tatiana Maslany’s virtuoso performance. Seriously, is there any other actor doing anything this badass?
In all their plotting they couldn’t get Sarah clear frames? Come on, Felix
Delphine spots Sarah and, thinking she’s Cosima, gives her a big kiss.
This is what girls taste like? What the fuck have I been doing?
Dr. Leekie shows up to twat block and tells Sarah that she has a bright future with Dyad. Sarah hugs him and steals his key card. Delphine realizes that Sarah is Sarah, and tells her that Rachel might be in Dr. Leekie’s office.
I knew it…Cosima never does that thing with her tongue!
Genetic identicals, my ass
In Dr. Leekie’s office, Rachel is meeting with a group of Japanese businessmen. She tells them that with the recent Supreme Court ruling on synthetic DNA, they can now proceed with their next trial of patent clones.
Rachel feels the edible finally kick in
Once the men leave, Sarah confronts Rachel and demands to see Kira and Mrs. S. Rachel tells her that Dyad didn’t take her family, someone else did. She just lied to Sarah to get her there. Sarah threatens her with the gun, but Rachel is telling the truth.
What do you mean all the cinnamon sticks are gone?
I ordered every stick within the city limits.
YOU’RE A MONSTER!!!
Rachel assures her that they’ll get Kira back together, but there are other forces at work. Sarah bitch slaps her and knocks her down, telling her that she’s a person, not property.
Now kiss
Paul shows up to ruin the clone-on-clone action, and pulls his gun on Sarah. She pistol whips Rachel, knocking her out, and punches Paul in the face. He tells her to go. I think this was pre-planned, but Paul is so boring I honestly can’t tell.
Sorry, you just don’t kiss as good as Delphine
Sarah then shows up on Art’s doorstep, ready to tell him everything. Art is already one step ahead of her. The goons in the diner were in a religious extremist group, the Prolethians aka Helena’s people. Sarah lays all her cards on the table with him.
That was my drink actually, but whatever
Guess who’s still alive and bleeding out in the hospital? Helena! She passes out in front of the nurse’s station. Right behind her is the surviving diner goon.
Great, another Coachella victim. Get the gurney!
We then cut to a room where someone is creepily brushing Kira’s hair. They set up a camera and take a picture of her. Looks like the Prolethians have Kira.
Worst. Glamour. Shots. Ever.
That’s it! Tune in next week for more clones, more candles, and more hijinks!
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OH MY GOD THANK YOU FOR STARTING TO RECAP THIS SHOW. i love it. im sure this will be far less painful to recap than glee.
What I didn’t like was the bi-erasure, the show is so good, so I hope they steer clear from messing anything up. You have Felix calling Cosima and Delphine lesbians, when Delphine has made it clear that she is attracted to men as well, and Tatiana already said that she could already feel Cosima’s bisexuality during interviews. It just makes Dr. Leekie telling Delphine to be careful playing for the other team sounds controlling and not a joke. Crossing my fingers they don’t do that again.
Yes Orphan Black recaps! Yes Chelsea! Yes Autostraddle!
(Ok, I’ll calm down and actually read it now.)
Autostraddle recaps yay! I will have a proper response when I get home but for now, yay!
Yeah!! Autostraddle and Orphan Black!!!!! – most of my favorite things in one article.
*sigh* Cosima *swoons dramatically* be still my beating heart….
Also I feel like Ramone also flirted with Allison, so can we not ignore the fact that there is probably a bisexual side character this season pleasee
Does anyone else think that the song riff they play every time Helena’s character is onscreen sounds just like the opening of Toxic by Britney? I get that dang song stuck in my head every time Helena is creeping around.
YES I DO I THINK THAT
Omg it’s true, I am laughing so much at this LOL
I hate when they play that sound though.
Yes! Me too!
YES. Also the people Pop Culture Happy Hour just did an Orphan Black episode and echoed that experience! as well as also noting that Dollhouse would have been so much better with Tatiana Maslany in the lead role and that Paul is a total Riley Finn, which are gripes my girlfriend has been hearing repeatedly for the last year.
Thank you thank you thank you Chelsea. This recap’s existence improved a stupidly shitty day I’ve been having. I don’t have time to fully read this yet but you can expect me to leave at a minimum 27 comments on each recap.
small correction though: they are Korean businessman, not Japanese
1) orphan black recaps on autostraddle? yes please
2) orphan black recaps written be none other than my favourite high femme chelsea?! fuck yes please.
3) “if these two kiss i’m gonna throw up in my mouth”
According to the word of god Cosima (aka dreadlocks adorkable clone) is not gayer than a handbag full of rainbows, she’s bisexualer:
“John and Graeme had mentioned to me early on that Cosima was bisexual, and I could feel it in the writing even when it wasn’t explicit. I feel like she identifies as bisexual, and very much understands her sexuality as a spectrum from a scientific viewpoint. I think Cosima just loves people. I think she feels love for a lot of different kinds of people.” – Tatiana Maslany
Source: http://www.afterellen.com/tatiana-maslany-gives-us-the-scoop-on-the-orphan-black-clones-and-cosimas-bisexuality/05/2013/
I was hoping Autostraddle would start recapping Orphan Black! Thank you to whoever had this brilliant idea!!
*So happy to have OB recaps on here at AS! Wootwoot!
*The captions are funny! ^_^
*I also thought Leekie and Proclone Rachel will really kiss and I was scared and grossed out BUT if Ramon[e] and Felix hook up, then that’ll be nice for Fee, hehe :D
*The dialogue between Leekie and Delphine:
Leekie: “Where is Cosima?”
Delphine: “Where you want her to be” *IN MY BED*
LOL
*Tatiana Maslany speaking German, and then plays all the clones with their own personalities and accents, AND THEN SHE SINGS? Like, WOW, biological goldmine!
*I LOLed at Baby Helena’s line while she was bleeding out and can barely walk “Excuse me? My Seestra shot me” and then passes out
*Long live the #cloneclub !!!
I haven’t even read this recap yet but i just had to scroll down and comment straight away that i am SO excited and happy that you will be recapping Orphan Black! Cosima love.
Great recap. So excited you’re recapping Orphan Black.
I’ve watched the episode three times and I’m not tired of it yet.
I love how well they mix intense drama with dark comedy, especially with Allison. I was crying from laughter at the musical (“Wipe, wipe, wipe away the plasmaaaaaaaaaaaa!), and then I pretty much hyperventilated when Rachel’s people tried to take her while she blew on her BEDAZZLED whistle and tried to blind them with what I’m only assuming was aerosol deodorant or air freshener.
That scene wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) have been hilarious on any other show, but that’s Orphan Black for you.
Oh man, this recap is fab. “Felix is tripping balls and rocking some assless chaps, so he’s basically me on a Tuesday” nearly had me do a spit-take when I read it.
(If I could be a tad pedantic though, from what I’ve seen Alison’s name is actually only spelt with one L)
…you guys, it’s real:
http://bloodtiesthemusical.ca/
As a former musical theatre major, I just about DIED when Alison started performing with that mop or whatever. Can’t believe this musical is actually real.. Ha.
Chelsea you wonderful brilliant hilarious thing you! This is fantastic!
Autostraddle recaps of Orphan Black Yes! I’m so glad this show is getting recapped now I have something else to look forward after each new episode.
Also “If these two kiss I’m gonna throw up in my mouth” exactly how i felt watching that scene.
This. Made. My. Life.
I’m in the middle of techs for a show that makes me want to repeatedly bang my head against a wall, so this WAY improved my week. So much fun.
I was a little worried there was going to be a bit of a let down when the show came back because it’s been dissected so thoroughly on like tumblr, but that tiny bit of worry was immediately doused with the diner scene.
Sarah as Cosima was brilliant, and Delphine caught on to Sarah as Cosima a hell of a lot quicker than Paul did when Sarah imitated Beth.
Delphine does has the advantage of knowing that Cosima has “genetic identicals”
Allison’s house is actually my cousin’s house in real life (except the basement and craft room)! Apparently they only did one day of filming for season 2 there.
What I like about this show is that they can have more than 1 queer character being shown at a time (unlike some other shows we all know).
Yes! Autostraddle + Orphan Black! So good!
Dying at the idea of Alison and Helena singing Defying Gravity (or anything, really) together.
Also “my seestra shot me” was the best!
This is literally everything I have ever wanted in my life wrapped up in one neat post. SO glad you’re recapping Orphan Black!
Super excited about Orphan Black recaps on Autostraddle! Now I can process all my clone-related feelings here in addition to trying to get other people hooked on the show…
I marathoned this show a while back and became completely addicted. The only thing better than the second season starting is having Autostraddle recaps.
Yay I’m so glad you’re recapping this Chelsea! Love this show!
It was such a great season opener. Really good choice to have it pick up exactly where Ssn 1 left off and keep going non-stop. One of my favorite things about the show is that it’s so unpredictable. I really have no idea what will happen next and you can’t say that with many shows.
“How I feel when Paul is on screen”
YES. My feelings EXACTLY.
Does anybody else thoroughly enjoy the friendship between Felix and Alison?
AS recapping OB? HELL YES.
May I humbly ask that Chelsea go back and recap season 1?
Perhaps when season 2 ends and we have an excruciating wait for season 3?
Seems like I chose the perfect time to get into this show ^_^
The fiancee and I are OBSESSED with this show, started watching last week, are already on S2E4. This recap was perfect, the picture captions made me snort while I read this at my desk at work. I also humbly request S1 recaps.