Hello and welcome to the thirteenth episode of the second season of Orange is the New Black, a show about reckless drivers and how frustrating it is to lose all your drugs! This is the series finale of this fine television program in which a whole bunch of shit went down. I hope all of you are really proud of Team Autostraddle for taking no less than four months and seven writers to recap this entire season.
We open in the great outdoors, where two men in suits have arrived to Investigate some Incidents that have taken place at Litchfield, for example the fact that Poussey and Taystee haven’t fallen in love and become girlfriends yet and that Watson isn’t a lesbian.
That is what the Encyclopedia Britannica refers to as “men in suits,” appearing now in the wild, outside of their natural habitat
Caputo’s eager to say his piece but the Men in Suits wanna see Fig herself, STAT.
We then mosey on downstairs to the warehouse, where Black Cindy and Watson are shoveling dirt and Watson’s trying to look on the bright side of life, like that at least they’re not moving rocks or some Phantom Tollbooth type shit.
Black Cindy: Yeah, on the other hand, Paulie in Goodfellas had the joint wired, cookin’ big-ass dinners every night.
Watson: Italians have weird shit with their mothers. They like live with them way too long.
Black Cindy: We all got weird shit with our mamas.
Yes, like how my mother wouldn’t let me have Barbies. Obviously, Vee’s been creeping on them and announces her presence by slamming her shovel into the ground like a gravedigger from hell.
Guess who just scored big at the Home Depot Gardening Clearance Event of the Summer!
Vee informs the girls that although she’s the one who attacked Red, they’re gonna have to pin it on Suzanne, because Vee’s soul is actually just one of those balls hamsters run around in except without a hamster inside it. Black Cindy and Watson think this plan is cold, but Vee’s got a retort for that:
Vee: Is it cold for Amazon to underprice books just to capture market-share? No, it seems to me that as shareholders in this company, you are immune to the cold. Just like polar bears.
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.
The Investigators are interrogating the Women of Litchfield regarding Red getting smacked with a lock-in-a-sock. Morello says it’s Vee ’cause Vee is the one who made shit hardcore, and Nikki knows that it’s Vee because, duh, it was Vee.
Was I a little teeny bit upset when Jenny Schecter went after my Christopher? I was.
Did I intentionally clog Jenny Schecter’s toilet with Purina Dog Chow while chanting “DIE JENNY DIE”? Seems possible.
BUT DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT LITTLE OL ME COULD BE A COLD BLOODED KILLER?
(awkward silence)
Blanca and Maritza both pin it on Suzanne, ’cause “she already be like, throwing pie all the time, but this is like next-level crazy, you know?” Rosa says Vee’s rude and she doesn’t like rude people.
Oh and also? I have razor blades hidden in my hair. Mhm, tons. Just all up in there.
Watson and Black Cindy finger Suzanne, as instructed, but they don’t seem happy about it. The coppers declare Suzanne their #1 top suspect.
In the hospital, Red says she says she saw nothing/nobody and is just a woman trying to grow a plant! SHE JUST WANTS TO GARDEN, Y’ALL.
I’m very passionate about urban homesteading, officers.
We then slip down a magical tunnel into the fantastic underbelly of Litchfield, where Chapman’s been exploring her artistic talents in a tiny windowless cell known as the “SHU.”
This is how lesbians have sex
Caputo shows up wanting more details on the case Piper was stealing those files for. Piper offers to tell him everything if he can stop her transfer.
Did somebody say FINGERBANG?
Obviously Caputo found what he was looking for in those files because mere moments later, an excited Caputo bursts into Fig’s office declaring “I’ve got you now you dirty bitch!” Unfortunately his gusto is robbed from his cold living man-hands by the fact that Fig’s already on the floor, sobbing to herself in slacks that look like sweatpants.
Fig, Jay-Z and Beyonce aren’t getting a divorce, it was just rumors
Fig’s hubby is having an affair with a man named Gavin. HEY-O! Also, Fig thinks she used to be “hot” and now she isn’t, but Caputo reminds her that although she’s a horrible person with no soul, she’s still very sexy. Personally I think one cancels the other out but nobody asked me.
Would you describe my hair as “frizzy” or “windswept”? Be honest.
Caputo says he knows everything and is done cleaning up her crap (and, incidentally, the crap of the entire unit now that the plumbing’s gone under) and that she’s a criminal and she should suck his dick. Then she sucks his dick!
Fig: So we’re good?
Caputo: I do like you down on your knees.
Fig: Christ, you should never speak. Uh… the files. You’ll shut up?
Caputo: Oh, I already gave them to the warden. He’s got copies of everything. Bye Nat!
Despite the fact that we just had to witness this creature-on-creature beejer, you just gotta laugh, smile and clap for that. YOU GO CAPUTO. FOUR FOR YOU.
Please be gone before Season Three kthxbye
In the hospital Sister Ingalls wants to know why Red won’t rat out Vee. Red insists everything’s going so well ’cause bed-rest is affording her heaps of time to scheme revenge.
Hey have you ever read anything by Lurlene McDaniels?
Also, Red used to take her boys to the carnival and it was so much fun. Probably because there’s lots of this at the carnival:
OOPS WRONG CARNIVAL IMAGE. There are no carnival images, just Red talking about carnivals.
Nicky is disappointed that there wasn’t a vibrator in Fig’s desk, just candy wrappers. I’m sure Gavin feels similarly.
Now that you mentioned it I HAVEN’T tried sploshing…
Chapman conveys excitement regarding the cancellation of her transfer ’cause she doesn’t wanna “lose more people,” but Nicky’s unable to summon appropriate levels of exuberance due to Red’s recent clocking and its unfortunate impact on her ability to see the glass as “half full.”
Nicky: Ah! Whoopie! You get to stay here… in hell. Hey, maybe you’ll get slocked to death by a psychotic heroin dealer!
It’s a cum towel, Nicky. You know what a cum towel is? It’s a towel for mopping up cum.
Piper then reveals that Alex is coming to visit, prompting Nicky to suggest that she stop thinking about her “fuck-up ex-girlfriend” and instead focus on whether Red will ever be able to plant another plant and see her Secret Garden grow.
In the kitchen, Maria’s crying and Gloria is sighing. I know this because the closed captioning reads “[Gloria sighs].” Maria’s sad about being transferred far away from her baby and Strong Silent Boyfriend.
C’mon honey, I know it’s painful to boil this water and watch it evaporate when we’re all so distraught about the drought in California, but you can do it
Caputo shows up and Bennet explains why Maria’s so upset. Caputo informs Bennett that shit’s going down and that now his star might be rising while Fig’s explodes, which, believe it or not, is not a reference to the fellatio he received earlier. Caputo promises Bennett that as one of the “good guys,” he’ll benefit under Caputo’s new reign of power.
Wait, you’re telling me the pee-hole is different than the baby-hole?
He lets Bennett deliver the good news that she won’t be transferred to Maria, because being the bearer of good news is fucking awesome. Maria cries tears of joy.
We return to the Mel Caf, where Taystee’s sitting down next to her One True Love Poussey. Poussey’s pleased for the company but before she gets too excited Taystee wants to be sure Poussey’s not about to lez out on her:
Taystee: Can we please not have a whole talk about our feelings and what happened and like, our status, because I never learned that and it really makes me like, wanna jump out of my skin, so, can we just sit here and be cool now?
Poussey: Well, maybe just a little talk?
I can’t help it, I just have a lot of feelings
Then they start joking like old times: doing Mackenzie voices, laughing about Jell-O and monkeys. Meanwile Vee gnaws on plastic utensils while undoubtedly thinking about murdering kittens. Nicky strides over to have a little talk about HER feelings.
Well well well, look who wants to be the big spoon now
Nicky challenges Watson and Black Cindy’s allegiance to Vee:
Nicky: What’s the matter with you people?
Black Cindy: “You people”? You mean black people?
Nicky: I mean blind people. All right? Blindly following a fucking psychopath!
Black Cindy and Watson decide to sit with Taystee and Poussey, who Cindy observes are back together again because “ain’t this some Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit.” Poussey says they’re on a rocky road with Vee and any of them could be next in line to be tossed in the dungeon of horror but Watson points out that they’re making money, so.
What do you mean Jell-O isn’t vegan
Taystee has some advice for her friends who still stand with V:
Taystee: Don’t feel bad if you don’t see it yet. It took me 15 years. I just hope you all wise up before it’s too late.
It’s time for another Safe Space meeting and Healy has his sign and his cookies but all the chairs are empty because nobody shows up and you guys there is nothing in the world sadder to me than throwing an event that nobody shows up to and so I can’t really talk about it. Also Leanne steals all the cookies and Pennsatucky is hanging out with the LGBTQ-Straight Alliance.
What if we did it up like my favorite snack cake mascot Little Debbie
O’Neil tells Caputo that he bought a miniature banjo on craigslist, which means his day was more productive than mine. Also, there’s a bunch of nuns nunning it up outside supporting Sister Ingalls’ hunger strike.
I just crop-dusted the fuck out of that hallway, sir
Caputo begs the nuns to return in 3-5 business days, just like that miniature banjo I ordered on craigslist. The nuns refuse to vacate, so Caputo leaves O’Neil to entertain them despite his Nunny Issues.
What’s the one y’all do that sounds like “My Girl” but is about G-d?
Back inside the institution, Vee’s prepping Suzanne for her interrogation by convincing Suzanne that she indeed clocked Red with a sock. So this is the Long Con, it turns out. She saw a vulnerable, easily manipulated person and she dove right in and grabbed her like a limb.
Wait, you think I stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
Then Vee says they can “play Uno” later but she uses a tone of voice that suggests they could play DUO later, if you know what I mean.
Uno is fast fun for everyone, Suzanne. Fast fun for EVERYONE.
Cut to the laundry room. Pennsatucky got an alternative lifestyle haircut and Soso thinks Leanne and Angie should stop bullying Pennsatucky and embrace the light.
This is how lesbians have sex? You’re sure?
Pennsatucky says she doesn’t need Soso’s defensive assistance:
Pennsatucky: You know, I can take care of myself, you Ching Chang China doll!
Leanne: She’s Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumbass.
Angie: Ignorant dumb-ass dyke.
Well that’s nice.
Oh yeah if I’m such a raging dyke how’d I manage to make it off the set of Crossroads without fucking Britney Spears?
Leanne tells Pennsatucky that nobody showed up to Healy’s Safe Space Cadet Fantastic Feelings Show and also she stole all his Russian cookies. This clearly makes Pennsatucky feel sad because she’s not dead and only a dead person or Vee wouldn’t feel sad about that. Also Soso needs a friend:
Soso: Everyone in this place is sad and mad. I mean I get it. We’re in prison. It sucks. But we should be leaning on each other, finding support in our fellow criminals so we’re not isolated. I need a friend.
I have an idea for a new friend for Soso: 
I wonder what’s going down in the luxurious visitor’s lounge? Perhaps heaps of gleeful schoolchildren are singing selections from Into the Woods and snacking on peanuts and cracker jacks! Maybe a lion is singing a roary rendition of “Roar” while stealthy astronauts get their toenails painted! Maybe Alex Vause and Piper Chapman are enjoying a lovely afternoon date!
Okay, I’ll get the pancakes, you get the frittata, and we’ll split them both. How’s that?
Alex has selected a soft grey sweater and a homespun nametag for this meet-up, whereas Piper’s gone with the traditional tan jumpsuit. Piper observes that Alex’s sweater is very soft. Then they yell at each other.
Alex: I thought you were gonna tell the truth!
Piper: And I thought you were gonna lie!
Alex: Jesus, we are like a fucking O. Henry story.
Then, silence — no. Then, laughter.
You know this part, right? I mean, we know this part. The turning point in a relationship with somebody where you’ve really just fucked it up beyond repair. Like there is no coming back from the things you’ve said to each other and the shit you did to each other and the extreme emotions you’ve made the other person feel. Like if you wanted to fix it, where would you even begin? And how do you build that trust back when it’s been shattered so many times that you’re embarrassed to even tell yourself that you’re giving “trusting her” another go? But you love each other. It’s ridiculous and demolished and now you’re two girls who survived a natural disaster together, full of rage and hopelessly still in love.
You said you’d never try anal with ANYBODY, Alex.
They dig in:
Alex: It’s good to see your face.
Piper: I don’t know what to say.
Alex: You have every right to be angry.
Piper: I don’t know if I’m angry. I’m confused… by you.
Alex: I’m confused by me, too. I’m pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.
Alex is lonely which makes her seem a little vulnerable, almost, but this isn’t so new either, is it? “I’ve dug myself into this hole, look at me down here in this hole, don’t you feel sad for me.”
Alex: I’m a fuck-up. And now I get to be a fuck-up in a shithole apartment in Queens, too afraid to even open my curtains. I’m really fucking lonely, Piper.
You would not believe the things Babeland has sent me since I signed up to review sex toys for Autostraddle.
Alex’s scared to leave her crib ’cause of mild agoraphobia JUST KIDDING I WAS TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN 2007 she’s scared to leave her crib ’cause she testified against a drug lord and now she doesn’t wanna get murdered and thrown into a ditch or whatever. Also, her probation officer is named Davy Crockett.
Seriously? They sent you a We-Vibe Tango and you’re complaining about being stuck in Jackson Heights?
Alex admits she needed to see Piper today ’cause when she leaves this very room, she can’t ever come back for a visit. It’s like the Hotel California.
Piper: You can’t leave me.
Alex: Piper, I’m in danger.
Piper: But I don’t have anyone left.
Alex: I’m sorry, Piper. I’m sorry for all of it. I know that my track record is shit but I really do love you.
Piper: Yeah, well, I hate you.
Alex: No, you don’t.
Piper: No. No, I don’t.
:-(
Back in the barracks, Big Boo is using candy wrappers to build a necklace that will give her special powers like the ability to see through walls and fly into outer space. Just kidding! She’s doing it ’cause she’s bored.
Well, if you must know, the ones on the right are for Now, and the left tassel is for Later
Nicky shows up to harass Big Boo about snitching on Red, thus causing Red to get her face bashed in, and suggests Big Boo makes it right by telling Nicky where Vee stashes all her toys for grrls and bois.
Elsewhere, Suzanne’s losing it because Vee has destroyed her psychologically! It’s really hard to make jokes in this recap y’all because SHIT IS SO DARK. Taystee tries to talk Suzanne down, but Suzanne is just hooked on the idea that she attacked the Russian lady. She doesn’t remember it, but thinks maybe she just blocked it out because she does that sometimes, she blocks things out. But Vee is lying to you, Taystee tells her.
Suzanne: “She is a truth-teller, she told me that.”
Fucking hell.
SOMEBODY’S PLAYING MAROON 5
Suzanne says Vee warned her about Taystee potentially approaching her to mar Vee’s pristine reputation because OF COURSE SHE DID.
Taystee: You poor crazy fool!
Suzanne: No. I am not crazy. I am unique.
This is what I am
Out in the wild fields of Litchfield, Daya’s chatting with her boyfriend the tool. Specifically, she seems to be confessing that she’s the only person in the history of the universe to think “yeah, I can see that happening” while watching I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Because that’s her big plan — pretending that she didn’t know she was pregnant until it comes out. She wants Bennett to man up and turn himself in, but Bennett says he can’t turn himself in ’cause he needs a raise/promotion.
Daya: “I love you, Jon, but you’re a pussy.”
Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?
In the kitchen everybody’s talking shit about Fig and her nice shoes and also Maritza’s gonna get a diamond for her bellybutton.
You put your right arm in you put your right arm out, you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about
Norma’s doing her best to make apple poison arsenic, but Gloria knows better — there are other ways than slaughtering an orchard in cold blood to kill an evil monster who’s gonna get Suzanne put away for life in a maximum security hell-hole.
Out at Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, O’Neil’s arguing that babies can’t be born with original sin ’cause of that time the leopard didn’t eat the baby baboon but instead sheltered it and protected it from hyenas.
The four apostles? John, Paul, George… and Ringo?
Sister Ingalls is surprised the nun brigade rallied in her honor… but she’s craving biscuits. Also, she once masturbated to an erotic photo of Jesus.
Jesus, those Westboro folks just don’t give up, do they
Then Red delivers sage wisdom regarding dancing with the man-meat.
Red: But there’s a part of me, a part of every woman, I think, that doesn’t want nice. That’s the problem with married sex in general. No more fear.
Sister Ingalls: Fear is good?
Red: Fear is very good.
Obviously she is referring to the classic ’90s flick Fear, which I watched one million times in the ’90s.
Sister Ingalls denies the nurse’s meager offering of sandwich and other nutritious goods ’cause she can’t stuff her muff with 100 nuns outside starving to death in her honor! Red’s shocked Sister Ingalls still cares what her friends think — and, well, Sister Ingalls is shocked that Red’s plotting revenge “like a gangbanger” and actively refusing to turn Vee in. So Sister Ingalls says she’ll eat a muffin if Red admits to the authorities that Vee socked her with a tick-tock clock.
Oh hello Mr Turkey Sandwich hiiii there turkey friend
Meanwhile, Uzo Aduba is winning an Emmy in the interrogation room!
You’re really trying to tell me that this is an eighth, dude? This is a gram AT MOST
Suzanne’s fraying in all directions — those grounding techniques she learned in therapy, the literature that falls out of her mouth, that clear certain way of talking she’s developed in a world where nobody listens to her quite hard enough. Was she there? Did she do it? What is anything? Who are we? Why are we here?
Really? You want ME to tell you how lesbians have sex?
A white man in a suit re-reads Suzanne’s record, which’s full of assaults and “incidents.” It sets her off in a cacophony of yesses and nos. She chants and confuses as the man scratches “Suzanne Warren: Primary Suspect” on his notepad.
Glad “primary’ has been specified because otherwise I wouldn’t know where Suzanne fell on this obviously extensive list of potential attackers
Moretti, Ford and Rosa go on a drive, saying cute things in the breeze, loving life, living the dream. Moretti used to think there were itty-bitty people inside the radio and Rosa used to put scotch tape on her dolls so she’d know if they moved while she was sleeping. People are people!
Hell no dude I’m not switching off 102.1 The Beat of The Bay’s commercial-free August so we can listen to “Fresh Air”
Vee finds a mysterious card in her bunk! It’s a card, probably from Nicky, reading:
notice the homosexual subtext
Vee enters a hot panic that her drugs have been stolen. She zooms downstairs to the warehouse and starts rifling through her shit like me trying to find a quote from my 7th grade diary that I think would be perfect for an Autostraddle personal essay I’ll never finish. Vee is LOSING HER SHIT, despite the fact that Black Cindy is already down there, saying perfect things and being amazing:
Black Cindy: Hey, you ever think about Jay-Z and Beyonce fucking? ‘Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself, even. You think that’s weird?
Vee’s got no time for this pressing question, she wants to know who the fuck has been in there and fucked with her shit, and Black Cindy obviously doesn’t know. Black Cindy’s like, “I know you’re not exactly a Mathlete, but I could demolish you with my great strength.” Then Vee slaps her in the face and holds a stick to her neck and shit just isn’t going well right now.
Whoa I did not put “severed chair legs” on my consent list for sexual activity in this relationship
Outside at Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, O’Neill is singing songs for the nuns on his mini banjo. It’s charming as fuck.
Hey soul sister, ain’t that mister mister on the radio, stereo, The way you move ain’t fair you know..
Someone’s gotta tell this guy that Jesus hates this song
Red has summoned Healey to the medical ward so she can sing like a canary about Vee being the culprit. But Healey says it’s a done deal, Suzanne’s taking the hit.
Red: “You’d let the crazy one take the hit for the real evil? Where’s your fight, Healy? You used to care.”
I See Dead-Inside People
Meanwhile, the doctor tells Rosa that the chemo isn’t working, the cancer is aggressive, and that she’s got three to six weeks to live! AWESOME.
Please don’t let me die in these pants
Daddy and the baby are so happy about Maria not getting transferred and suddenly her silent boyfriend has a lot to say!
Yes you ARE the cutest human on this show You ARE
This is like a key moment in the show because this is when you realize that you had so many preconceived stereotypes about this guy. That you assumed the worst about him — that he resented the child, resented Maria — because he’s a man with tattoos and jewelry who never said a word to the mother of his child even though she’s in jail and clearly yearning for a connection with him. But who made the baby look so cute every time? He did! He loves her with his whole heart. He’s just quiet, that’s all.
The guard had been standing there for what felt like hours. Would anybody ever give him a break? Would he ever get a chance to pee? Was there any relief from the endless monotony of everyday life?
Elsewhere in this slick midtown cafe, Larry and Polly are telling Piper that they’ve been playing hide the salami… WITH HER HEART. Basically they’ve come to visit her in prison to let her know that they’re in love and want to be together! Neat-o.
Look, I know everybody thought I was a really funny character and they really enjoyed my presence on this show a whole bunch, but I don’t see how dating this expired can of mayonnaise has to ruin that!
Holly and Larry would like to keep Piper in their lives! Piper would like them to stop saying “we.” Piper’s like this is really fucked up and you guys are the worst, and Polly’s like “I know but “we didn’t decide to love each other.” This is true. If Polly is really happy being involved with a condiment and Larry is really happy being involved with Polly, then good for them! But Piper doesn’t have to be their friend anymore if she doesn’t want to be, either.
You did WHAT with my under-the-bed restraint system?
Elsewhere in these hallowed halls, Pennsatucky accosts Healey — she wants to chat about doing a make-up class for Safe Place, but Healey’s not having it. His pride has been wounded and he’s being a jerk again.
Ok I’m holding the imaginary dog leash, what’s next?
But Pennsatucky has some nice words for him just the same, about how she’s doing a lot better now and she thinks it’s because of him:
Pennsatucky: You’re the only person in my whole life who’s ever taken the time to talk to me. And it seems like you’re really good at what you do and you really care. And I will never finger [Big Boo], and I will never let her finger me.
Meanwhile the Ladies of The Kitchen are concocting a special sauce that will fuck Vee’s shit, I believe, because Gloria is the Bo$$.
I do declare that is the best-looking borscht this side of the Borscht Belt
Some time or a little bit of time later, Healey’s trying to get a statement from Suzanne, but she doesn’t remember a goshdarn thing, and you can tell his tiny little conscience is peeking its little head up into the surface of his brainspace. She says things and Healey’s like… yeah, nope.
Suzanne: I thought I was mopping in the warehouse, turns out I was clocking in the greenhouse.
HOW DID THIS SHOW NOT WIN AN EMMY.
don’t check your twitter mentions don’t check your twitter mentions don’t do it suzanne just don’t it’s never good and you know it
Suzanne says she can’t really trust anybody or her own memory but Healey says she can, and she laughs:
Suzanne: No. No. I’m unreliable. Is Red gonna be okay? I always liked her. She’s… scary but her hair is like the Heat Miser in that Christmas special. Don’t you think? She’s uh… Mrs Green Christmas. She’s Mrs Sun.
This is so sad.
Cut to The Office. Caputo’s glad that Fig is cleaning up her shit to get out of this place but Fig’s way happier than she should be. See, Fig is a sociopath who has decided to dedicate herself to motherhood and politics full-time. She’ll be breaking free with good marks from the warden, who’s looking to eschew scandal in favor of doing something deeply immoral. THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL SYSTEM EVERYBODY!
WE WON THE RAINBOW WARS AT A-CAMP! IT WAS NOT A TIE! IT WAS NOT A MOTHERFREAKING TIE AND I AM KEEPING THE G-DDAMN TROPHY, YOU FASCIST!
Parting words:
Fig: Your band sucks.
Caputo: Your blow jobs suck.
BURN!
Poussey and Taystee are being Mackenzie and Amanda and then they’re discussing my favorite topic, time travel, so basically everything I love is happening at the same time.
I dunno man, I know they’re not officially tied together, but if I were you I would not read “The Gathering Blue” if you’ve not read “The Giver” yet
Watson and Black Cindy have come in peace to acknowledge that Vee is an evil dragon and shit’s gone too far. Now that Vee’s had her shit stolen and Suzanne’s heading to Slammer: The Sequel, everything’s getting dark and it’s time for these women to band together against a common enemy: Vee.
Don’t pretend like you didn’t want a chair dance now that all your friends have shown up!
Red says Sister Ingalls has to eat ’cause she tried to tell Healey the truth, even if he wouldn’t take it. Red hands her a muffin and Sister Ingalls basically has an orgasm in her mouth, it’s like a Starburst commercial.
Then Caputo shows up and Sister Ingalls quickly buries the muff, which’s like what you did when your mom caught you making out with your best friend during a “sleepover.” Caputo’s got a muffin of his own and begs her to eat it so that he can show he’s able to resolve conflict because he’s gotta shore up some special powers to keep this job. Also, he cancelled her transfer! But she didn’t know she was being transferred in the first place.
Now just open your little mouth Sister Ingalls so we can do the airplane!
Healey has undergone a total eclipse of the heart, and hits up Luscheck to give him a work order claiming that Suzanne was working in the warehouse during the time of the Red Attack. He’s gonna save the day!
“K…I…C…K… M…E”
Vee is losing it. She visits Taystee in her bunk, wanting to know how “her girl” is, but Taystee’s not her girl anymore! TAKE THAT YOU EVIL BITCH.
Remind me to never go off Zoloft cold turkey again
Vee grasps for the last remaining vestiges of her power:
Vee: I had to teach you a little lesson but the time out is over. Come on back. Play with mama.
Taystee: I think I’ll stay in the corner.
Mhm.
As Vee stands there wondering if she left the oven on, Poussey and Watson approach. Vee slowly begins to realize what’s going on. She can’t fuck with Taystee now! When you finally let go of a manipulative person they seem so ridiculous, don’t they? Because it’s been ridiculous all along, but that’s why you needed to be tricked into believing in it in the first place.
YOU’RE GAY! I can tell!
No shit
Taystee: Here’s the thing about Mamas, they’re only mamas as long as they’ve got kids. Without ’em, what are they?
Poussey: Uh, nothing.
Black Cindy: You got to have people. Especially in here you just got to.
Poussey: Otherwise you find yourself vulnerable to all sort of shit.
Black Cindy: Mm hmm hmm. Lots of locks. Lots of socks.
Vee: You’re turning me out? Fuck you. You think I can’t survive? I will find a new family.
Taystee: Of course you will. As long as there’s psychos like you, theres always people willing to follow.
Poussey: Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find all sorts of new suckers over at Max.
Vee tells Taystee that Taystee has broken her heart, but Taystee says Vee would have to HAVE a heart in order to have it broken, so SUCK IT they’re gonna go turn Vee in for murder haaayyy!
Oh, so NOW you don’t consider the small of your back an erogenous zone anymore, do ya?
Back in the Van Trip of Love, Moretti says Toy Story 2 is even better than the original and they could play it next week. Ford tells Rosa that it’s really fucked up that she’s gotta spend the last few weeks of her entire life on earth in prison, and then he starts singing along to “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” which instantly becomes the saddest song in the whole world.
It had been one hundred miles and they had yet to find an In-and-Out, or even a sign promising an In-and-Out in the near future. What would they do? What other fast food restaurant would everybody in the car agree on?
In the bathroom, we encounter Soso, who we’ve watched degenerate over time in the same way that Piper did in Season One — a person who came from privilege, realizing day by day everything she once took for granted and the smooth criminal in her gut that may have been there all along. Soso tells Piper she was right about that “get a wife” thing, even though she’d said it as a joke.
Biore pore strips? Really? That’s the best advice you’ve got? Everybody knows that shit doesn’t work.
Soso: This is the loneliest I’ve ever been, and I lived alone in a tree for eight months. It sucks. And no one understands.
Piper: Yeah, you’re pretty much on your own in here.
Soso: Like Meadow asked if she could mail me a care package, like it’s camp. It’s not camp! It’s fucking awful. I don’t think I’m gonna be the same when I get out.
Piper: Maybe that’s okay.
Soso: It’s not fucking okay.
Piper: I know.
Shit is dark. It’s dark like a tunnel with the light at the end so far off that some days you’re not even sure if it’s really there.
The cops are trying to wrap shit up with Suzanne, who’s dedicated hereslf to faithfully re-enacting the second-to-last scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, because she’s perfect.
Man: Thank you for your cooperation.
Suzanne: Oh! “We say ‘thank you,’ we say ‘please’ and ‘excuse me’ when we sneeze. That’s the way we do what’s right. We have manners, we’re polite!”
Mommy Mommy my pigtails are too tight!
The men feel that their work is done and they’re ready to head home for the night but are blocked in the hallway by Poussey, Taystee, Watson and Cindy, who wanna recant their testimony: justice is not being served! It wasn’t Suzanne! It was Vee! You HAVE TO BELIEVE THEM!
Seriously like, Modern Family is funny and all, but that shit has gone downhill lately and everybody knows it, plus fuck all that noise about promoting “non-traditional family structures” when the only non-traditional thing those families do is spend their entire lives playing tricks on each other and fighting!
What about that gay couple though, isn’t that the kind of “diversity” you people wanna see on television?
JUST GIVE US THE DAMN EMMY!
The cops don’t really give a shit, they wanna go home and have drinks at the horse bar. Then Healey shows up with the work order that proves Suzanne was in electrical when that shit went down and therefore couldn’t have been the killer. It’s not actually true, but who cares. GO HEALEY!!!!
Caputo’s cleaning the candy bar wrappers from Fig’s desk when Bennett shows up to inform him that he impregnated Daya! Bennet is yelling “I fucked her!” and Caputo is yelling “no you didn’t!” It’s a great moment in men’s history.
You couldn’t even send me an Edible Arrangement? What kind of welcome wagon is this?
Caputo requests that Bennett stop talking and bury this shit or else he’ll ruin Daya’s life forever!
Caputo: “It’s my second day. My second fucking day. Get out of here.”
Meanwhile in The Outside World, Larry and Polly are driving around talking about how much they hate that bitch Miracle Whip when Piper calls from prison because she needs a favor and they owe her one.
please go to voicemail please go to voicemail please go to voicemail
She needs them to call David Crockett’s and tell him that Alex Vause is violating the terms of her probation. I think what’s happening here is that Piper wants Alex Vause back in prison for Season Three so Piper has somebody to watch Faking It with.
Larry: And the purpose of this is what?
Piper: Larry, I am giving you the opportunity to fuck over someone that you hate!
Larry: And why would I do that? So she lands back in there with you?
Piper: Polly?
Polly: What’s the office called again?
NICE.
C’mon admit it you kinda wanna experiment with pony play
Meanwhile, the coppers can’t find Vee, which makes Healey and Caputo look like the biggest bananaheads.
I’m gonna find that iPod Touch if it’s the last thing I do
This is also the moment in this episode when you realized you weren’t gonna see any more girl-on-girl action this season, so there was something missing here on a few levels.
One of Red’s pals heads out to the Greenhouse and notices that the underground tunnel has been exposed and utilized. She covers it up, but clearly somebody’s already gotten out — and then we cut to the forest where Oliver Thredson released his human/beasts into the wild but unfortunately none of them are around to eat Vee.
Dammit I knew I should’ve packed some earmuffs
Nicky and Big Boo take a stealth mission to the laundry room, where Nicky stashed a bunch of heroin they’re hoping will Nail That Bitch Vee. They’re in a deep ethical debate regarding the following: why Nicky hid the stuff in the laundry room (you can’t go to the warehouse with a bag of laundry, DUH), whether or not Caputo will believe that it’s theirs. Then this chat is rudely interrupted by the blaring LOCKDOWN alarm.
Wait, really? Like there’s no nutritional value whatsoever in white rice?
Everybody stops and drops. Bennett informs the kitchen that Vee is missing. Ford leaves Moretti alone in the van with Rosa. The guards inform the girls they must remain in their bunks until further notice.
Back in The Realish World, Alex Vause is curled up with a blanket and a book when there’s a knock at the door. She’s frightened. She creeps into the hallway. Whoever is knocking is playing with the doorknob. She grabs her gun and cocks it and yells “don’t take another step!”
I can’t believe these bastards got me back into paintball
Oops! It turns out to be her landlord.
Don’t look at me I just got a chemical peel and my face is a little ruddy
…and her probation officer.
Well, it appears you are wearing the animal onesie that was reported stolen from a lesbian meet-up at Espresso Royale, we’re going to have to take that with us.
“Fuck,” says Alex Vause.
Back at Litchfield, the ladies are officially remanded to their bunks until somebody locates Runaway Vee. Piper decides to pass the endless hours with a little light reading — The Collected Letters Of Alex Vause to Piper Chapman In Jail, a riveting follow-up to The Collected Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf — and whatever it is she’s reading in there, she likes it. It even makes her chuckle. I know that because the closed caption said “[chuckles]”
Okay, this one kinda feels like it might have xanax in it…
Watson does crunches while Poussey supervises/counts/reads a magazine, Sophia does an inmate’s hair, Taystee and Black Cindy shoot the shit…
This is how lesbians have sex
…and Suzanne weeps. She weeps. She clutches that pack of UNO cards in her palms and weeps from that dark sad place life’s always tossing her into, that place where you can’t trust anybody, especially people who say they love you. She was in love with Vee, wasn’t she? She was. Now her heart is broken and messy and, I imagine, exhausted.
Back outside Litchfield, Moretti’s getting antsy in the van waiting to see what she’s supposed to do next, and then she decides what to do — she unbuckles her seatbelt, opens the door, and gives Rosa her bidding:
Moretti: Don’t die in here, Miss Rosa. Go do it your own way.
Just like that, Moretti vacates the vehicle and hops over to Ford, who’s telling her what happens next now that the prison is on lockdown. While he’s distracted, Rosa takes the wheel and begins her speedy escape.
OMG there IS an In-and-Out at this exit!
Meanwhile, Caputo’s walking Sister Ingalls out to Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, running through what she’s gonna tell them about electing to end her hunger strike.
Come on just let me try the scarf on at least, I’ll give it right back!
They’re just about ready to deliver the news to the nuns when the white van comes barreling down the street, headed straight for Caputo and Ingalls and then the nuns. Caputo yells for O’Neill to “scatter the nuns.” O’Neil is probably thinking, “I’d been wondering when my Nun-Scattering Skills would finally be put to use.”
This iPhone 7 really better be worth the wait
Rosa barrels past the barricades, gripping the steering wheel with quick confidence, high on the freedom of having her own life in her hands again, and wheels beneath her feet.
Wait but I left my hoodie in that van
Meanwhile, Vee’s still on her Outward Bound solo in the Connecticut Woodlands.
I’m gonna get Red Coat if it’s the last thing I do
Rosa is ecstatic. She rolls down the window, she pumps up the radio — “Don’t Fear The Reaper” is on, of course.
Is thinking about that cheeseburger
She rounds a corner and there Vee is, just like that.
BONNAROO OR BUST
She’s made it through the woods onto the side of the street Rosa’s driving down, and Rosa swerves to ram right into Vee, hurling Vee’s body in the air. She lands on the side of the road. Is she dead? I hope so, but let’s be real: probably not.
But.. I just wanted… to… get… Caputo… his… hooodieee
“Always so rude, that one,” Rosa says, clenching her teeth, breathing fresh air, squeezing the steering wheel, and suddenly she’s young again, a beautiful girl with wild hair and mouthy lipstick who doesn’t give a shit about the sirens.
I’M GETTING A DOUBLE DOUBLE BITCHES HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW
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“Watson and Black Cindy finger Suzanne, as instructed, but they don’t seem happy about it.”
BAHAHAHAHAHA. I am a child.
Okay serious comment about the Fig scene: I know we’re supposed to be like YAY CAPUTO YOU COERCED A WOMAN INTO AN UNWANTED SEXUAL ACT WITH YOU but I have a huge problem with that scene. It just made me really uncomfortable- anyone else?
No, I completely agree. That whole thing made me extremely uneasy.
You’re not alone, that scene really bothered me too.
Fig makes my skin crawl, but Caputo *blackmails* her into giving him a blow job. That’s indisputably a sexual assault scene — and an incredibly graphic one, at that. Can we recognize this scene as an opportunity to unpack how rape & the threat of rape are used to punish and control women (even evil women characters)? I want to see Fig get her just desserts too, but I find the Mean Girls’ quote as a response to a (undeniably repulsive) character’s sexual assault disconcerting, y’all.
Yeah, that was defiantly blackmail and assault. Caputo knew that she was only making the offer in exchange for his silence.
That scene upsets me a lot too. I get a really gross message out of it; a woman in power can be easily degraded into a (rightful?) position that makes her submissive to a man. Caputo gets to show he has all the power by sexually humiliating Fig. I have trouble with this whole situation.
Now, I’m sure that Caputo won’t be able to handle the prison bureaucracy any better than Fig and he’ll inevitably screw up – probably worse than Fig ever did. But I doubt Caputo will have to give his successor a BJ. If the tone of the scene had been different, it could have been an interesting comment on complicities of sexism and power. But as it is, we’re supposed to celebrate with Caputo and that’s just unsettling.
Also think it is especially unsettling not only because the direction does seem to see it as a moment of celebration for Caputo rather than further making him out to be disgusting, but it also means that all of Figs major humiliations are sexual in nature. She gets off for embezzlement and looks like she will continue to play the dutiful wife role to see her husband win office. She even gets a clean record and can resign instead of be fired. All of her narrative “retribution” or “comeuppance” is around the husband she has endangered her career for cheating on her with a guy and her being tricked into giving Caputo a blowjob.
I was so unbelievably uncomfortable with it. I scrolled through the comments specifically to see if anyone else was. I mean, she was awful, but she was so ridiculously vulnerable in that moment and he took advantage of that and then laughed at her despair. Plus, consensual sex is all about consent and she while she may have consented to a sex act with him to keep those files safe (problematic enough as it was) that was not his intent so he withheld information which negated her consent making that sex act non-consensual and therefore an act of rape. Pretty effing disgusting all around. Plus, just the idea of him getting off on that sad sad desperate and seemingly helpless human being, was disgusting and very disturbing.
Yeah I really hate feeling like me as the viewer is complicit in this. I felt like they were trying to manipulate us into rooting for Caputo in this moment.
Man, can we do series where we replace mark wahlberg’s face with our queer fan girl idols? Or just get Soso a nice button down?
Is that an Empire Records reference in an OITNB recap? I’m not sure my brain is able to process that much joy!
I loved Red and Sister Ingalls this episode, with their sex talk and sandwich toasting. That was a great thing to see on TV.
Also, I really want to see more of Maria and Yadriel and their baby next season. Their scene in this episode was beautiful.
This season had some things that worked for me, most of all being the show finally wising up (as Pretty Little Liars never has with Ezra) to the fact that Bennett is an abusive asshole. I really enjoyed the way his portrayal this season (threatening some of the incarcerated women, tearing the bunks apart, etc.) gave some perspective on the ways in which his sexual and romantic relationship with Daya isn’t OK just because “I love her” and in fact bears some striking similarities to Pornstache’s sexual relationships with some of the incarcerated women. Also everyone realizing what an annoying person Piper is and treating her accordingly.
Things that didn’t work for me: the “ultimate villain” and one of the only characters who isn’t even slightly humanized (hell, even Pornstache got more sympathy in his scenes moping over true love with Bennett) as a woman of color and a person who is incarcerated. People recognize that Fig, Caputo, Healy, etc. are not really good people but they still have traits one can relate to; by the end, Vee was just a cartoon. Even her care for Taystee and RJ was completely invalidated. And on that note, the end of this season was a fucking cartoon period. People have already pointed out that Moretti being allowed to drive when she’s incarcerated for attempted murder is ridiculous; turning the car over to Miss Rosa so she can drive off into the sunset and on the way, take someone out, reads like the end of a comedic movie. If Orange is the New Black is looking to go full-on comedy, it’s the showrunners’ and writers’ prerogative to do so, but it’s a shame to think of the potential wasted (and the ways in which the dramatic abilities of the actors will be wasted). It turned me off completely. As much as I love ladies fucking, this season also spent so much on that at the expense of other storylines highlighting the complexities and inequities of the prison-industrial complex that by the end I was tired of that too.
tl;dr While I followed this season’s arc hopefully, I’m really hesitant to invest in Season 3 given how this season ended.
I don’t think Morello is supposed to be in for attempted murder given the length of her sentence and that it is minimum security, especially as it involved an attempt at a bomb. I think she may be doing these 3 years for the mail fraud. In some minimum security prisons inmates do do a lot of work, so her being allowed to drive while supervised if she is a non-violent offender (for this sentence at least) makes sense. Given the courtroom scene of her flashback, Christopher may have been a character witness against her.
As for Vee, I get why some people may feel it is problematic because she is shown as being a predator not seeking redemption. However, I also think it is a great portrayal of how much of a predator some people can be, and how they can draw vulnerable people in. She just doesn’t have the protections that privilege often offers. But she is a bad person who preys on people, and I think it is okay to portray her as such. The things she do, including selling heroin, harms people and communities. She is a standard ruthless bussinessperson who puts profit and power before all else. I think it would have been interesting for someone to comment on her being in prison but a representative from Phillip Morris being brought in as a special guest.
uugggh, *Morello, I fail at getting characters’ names right even when they are right in front of me. I like the suggestion you make about having someone comment on her presence but the Phillip Morris representative brought in as a special guest. And people like Vee do exist – it’s less the presence of her character that I have a problem with and more the fact that none of the characters in positions of greater power in the PIC are similarly portrayed.
Your comments about Morelli’s sentence make a lot more sense in the context of the prison world. I can’t remember from what they showed of her trial this season if it’s just Christopher who stands up talking about the bomb or if it’s the judge in the sentencing. On the other hand, Miss Claudette sure appeared to be in for murder based on how her story was presented, so it doesn’t seem like the internal universe has good consistency. I’m confused about that.
I get the impression Miss Claudette was in max security for a number of years and got down graded to minimum for good behaviour, so maybe not quite the same as Morello being allowed to drive?
It’s been a while since I watched it now and I can’t remember the finer details so well.
This final episode was everything.
1. I still think Soso’s backstory is going to be Morello-level out of left field.
2. I have always thought of Maria’s Silent Partner as one of my favorite characters. I mean, they are shown as the most faithful visitor, and they’re obviously a good listener. Also, I think the actor really showed their chops when they first found out about the transfer and were struggling not to cry while Maria talked to their baby.
3. O’Neill is full of so much win this episode, just so much win.
4. Doggett’s speech to Healey was a real heartstrings puller for me.
5. I found the ending a bit over the top, and given this show expect to have season three open with Vee alive, Ford fired, and Morello in SHU or at the very least with any liberties she might have restricted.
I agree I think that Soso is hiding something and I really enjoy Maria and her boyfriend Yadriel’s relationship. I just hope next season we get to see more of the Hispanic women’s backstories. I’d love to know how Maritza and Flaca met or just more of them in general ( which is partially due to my huge crush on Diane Guerrero)or more moments with Daya and Aledia. I have a feeling that the rules are going to get stricter in season 3 which is going to result in a riot. I mean that riot gear was foreshadowing something.
can we talk about how good soso looks in that tie though
like damn
good work, whoever made that happen
Loved this episode! The season as a whole wasn’t as good as season one for me mostly due to the lack of Alex and the Alex/Piper relationship which was what really kept me glued to the screen in the first season. So I was thrilled to see Alex will be back on her way to jail for season 3 and the visiting scene was absolutely heartwrenching. I think I literally squealed with joy when it was revealed Piper had saved all of Alex’s letters lol.
This last episode and that last scene was everything though. The middle episodes were really slow for me but the last few really ramped up the action and ended the season on a great note. Can’t wait for season 3!
You know Piper trying to sabotage Alex’s probation reminds me of when Miss Claudette stopped Trisha from planting drugs in Mercy’s cell. I will say one critique I have of this season is that I wish that there was a bit more foreshadowing in season one about Vee’s role. Maybe I’m being a bit nitpicky but certain things felt a bit rushed like “bam Taystee has an evil foster mother” or “bam Poussey is in love with Taystee” I also felt that the tone could’ve been handled a bit better. I mean the show goes from being a pretty campy show with dark moments to just a dark show. Vee is an evil villain but we don’t really know how she got to become so horrible to begin with and I had no idea that Taystee had a “foster” mother. Her role with Taystee makes sense and is interesting but I wish that she had gave us some hint about it in season one. Miss Rosa really shined this season though as well as Gloria and Poussey.
I’m crying because Rosa is perfection. PER. FEC. TION.