Hello and welcome to the sixth recap of the second season of Orange is The New Black, a show about this girl Poussey we all have crushes on. Once again you might notice that I am not, in fact, your style icon Kate Severance, because she’s had to hang up her hat this season due to a brutal work schedule. We’ll have a variety of recappers filling in over the next few weeks, but this episode is mine all mine.
It’s Valentine’s Day Week! We open on the set of Jenny Schecter’s Senior Film Project, “What Is Love?”, starring The Girls of Litchfield, who are taking turns telling the camera what they think love is, unfortunately not to the tune of the ’90s classic “What Is Love?” by Haddaway.
First up is Aleida, who, by the way, looks obnoxiously hot in a grey t-shirt with her sleeves rolled up, and she says love is like a tight/floaty stomach sensation followed by painful smiling, which coincidentally is the same effect procured by the Proud Whopper.
Aleida: Also, fucking. Twenty-four seven, deep-dick, can’t-walk-right fucking.
Alrighty then.
Do I have spinach in my teeth?
Sister Ingalls says “love is light,” which is also how intergalactic space diva Haviland Stillwell signs her emails. Sophia says love is horrible pain “that you want again and again.” Morello has “so much to say about love.” Oh girl.
In the kitchen, the girls are discussing sunshine, flowers and love. Just kidding about the sunshine and flowers. Maritza says boys love Valentine’s Day and private jets, Aleida says Sophia Vergara’s tits are real, Flaca says her boyfriend can’t come visit ’cause it’s too cold to drive a Vespa to prison, Maria says her boyfriend stole her flowers from a funeral, Gloria says Valentine’s Day was invented to make single people feel like shit, and Blanca says each couple is perfect in its own way. There you have it.
In fact, some people find consensual knife play to be a very sensual experience
Daya wants Bennett to play the “pretend we’re a normal couple” game and talk about their imaginary plan for Valentine’s Day, which’s hard for Bennett because he’s a tool. They’ve barely gotten into discussing the slut-factor of her dress for their date to A Romantic Italian Restaurant when Aleida interrupts to give him a list of shit he needs to smuggle in for Daya.
I can’t believe this bitch wants me to fit an Hitachi Magic Wand in my prosthetic leg
In the bathrooms, the girls are lathering up for their 30-second showers and Vee is guilt-tripping Taystee into giving up her #1 Job in the Library with Poussey in favor of custodial by reminding her of when Vee saved Taystee from a shitty foster Dad by giving her a home and then getting her arrested. This is the case of a rock taking advantage of a hard place. Vee is a real winner, you guys.
C’mon, let’s play tigers! Show me your teeth! LET’S PLAY TIGERRRRSSSS
Jimmy shows up looking for Jack because he’s gonna bring her chocolates this year for Valentine’s Day. This woman, y’all.
The woman in the background has just been given very stern advice about not dropping the soap, is not fucking around
Poussey says love is just “chilling, you know? Kicking it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes, and like, not even wanting to go to sleep, ’cause then you might be without ’em for a minute. And you don’t want that.”
Goddess Bless Intern Grace for making this for me
Cut to Flashbackland, Germany, at the army base where Poussey’s family is stationed and everybody is very Nordic and Poussey is winning the joint-rolling contest while wearing a denim vest and 3/4-sleeve baseball shirt. In other words, she is my queen.
Whoa bro where the hell did this tattoo come from
Also, she’s dating a lady who I decided to name Doris until I looked it up on imdb and learned that her name is not Doris or Tina Kennard but, rather, Franziska.
Poussey: I am untouchable.
Franziska: I think you are very touchable.
!!!!!!!!
This stupid white guy wants to watch them hook up and won’t speak German because he’s a stupid white guy. Poussey knows German because she’s planning on sticking around for a while — her Pops promised her this’ll be the last base they live on after a lifetime of base-hopping. This means something will obviously go terribly wrong.
Hey aren’t you @whododatlikedat? I LOVE your selfie game!
In the meantime, girls are kissing on the television and one of them is Poussey!
Back in Litchfield, Watson isn’t enjoying her first day of custodial and everybody has feelings about Valentine’s Day.
Ugh why I am always the one who has to empty out the melted ice in the beer cooler after we go to the beach
Suzanne is speaking to a mop in the British accent and announces that this year she’s “loving someone who deserves me. Me.”
Haven’t you ever seen Fantasia, mops love to talk!
Then Black Cindy and Big Boo show up! Big Boo tells Watson she’s gonna put the “V” in her Valentine, because Big Boo is gross and needs to learn how to admire Watson from afar, like I do.
You know I read on the internet that if you stick your fingers into your nostrils far enough, they come right out of your eyeballs!
Let’s keep it simple: my fingers, your eyeballs, immediate death, right now.
Meanwhile in the Visitor’s Lounge of Love and Lays, a giant can of pork & beans has arrived to have a conversation with Piper Chapman.
She wants to talk about doing a strip-tease to The Brady Bunch’s “rousing rendition” of “Sunshine Day” as they apparently have done on prior Valentine’s Days, but Larry isn’t having it. Nor is he interested in hearing about how she wants to “go home” when she’s free. Instead, he wants to talk about how all her shit is at his apartment.
Wait you found my autographed copy of “Lesbian Forest Voyeurs” where?
In fact, Larry’s also on a journalistic mission — now that a reporter from The Post has contacted him to see if he can secure the inside scoop on the sketchy financial dealings of Litchfield, he’s decided to steal the pitch for himself and wants Piper’s help. Piper’s not into it and thinks Larry should maybe stop being the moon and instead be his very own shining star.
Welp, I always did like my potato salad with a little extra mayo, so I’ll consider the comparison a compliment
Larry thinks Piper is like the sun who burns everybody up. I want Larry to be like Pluto and become the farthest character away from the rest of the galaxy.
Meanwhile in the Greenhouse, Red’s recruited her son Vasiliy to build an underground tunnel while she yells at him about how to treat a lady.
GROW, MARIJUANA PLANT, GROW!!!!
Over in electrical, Piper’s exerting her rage on a fuse box and Nicky is serving her duty as comic relief.
Piper: When you get out of here, what do you imagine yourself going home to?
Nicky: Fiona Apple in the Criminal video.
This is how lesbians have sex
Piper’s thinking she might wanna re-evaluate her prior plan for home, seeing as there’s not much to come home to anymore.
Piper: I lost my manipulative, gorgeous, psychopath ex and my sweet, kind, unfocused fiancé. I don’t have a home anymore.
Nicky: Yeah Chapman, you do. This shit pile. Home sweet home.
OH MY SWEET JESUS IT’S A DIORAMA OF GEORGE WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DELAWARE
The wires explode and Nicky says Larry’s on the right track with this story — nobody’s spending money in these parts, and there may not be a lot of money, but I mean, there has to be SOME money, somewhere, for something. Right? The hamster wheel in Piper’s brain starts turning…
We then traverse to another room in this fine institution, where Fischer has summoned Caputo to tell him that she’s been on the wire listening to the inmate’s phone conversations and that this shit is “amazing” and “like reading Dickens.”
I mean did you know that there’s PORN all over the internet? Like with NAKED PEOPLE DOING SEX! On THE INTERNET!
Fischer gives Caputo props for standing up to Fig’s demand for a Shot Quota. Caputo asks how her boyfriend is and she says they broke up ’cause he wore a lot of vests. I think we’re all familiar with where this story is headed.
Caputo invites her to the next Side Boob gig. “I love music!” she says. It would’ve been so much cooler if she’d said “I love sideboob!”
Back to Love, Lies and Videotape — Leanne had a thing with her boss at Long John Silver’s and then she found out that his wife was wicked hot, “so that was nice.” So basically love is a bunch of lesbian hushpuppies, according to Leanne.
But as side dishes go, you could do a whole lot worse than the creamy cole slaw
In Tastyee Poussey’s Library of Love, Poussey and Taystee’s jovial reading of Alice in Wonderland is interrupted by Maxwell telling Taystee it’s time to leave the library for her new job in custodial.
“I felt as if my admiration for Kitty Butler had lit a beacon inside me, and opening my unguarded mouth had sent a shaft of light into the darkened room, illuminating all. I had said too much – but it was that, or say nothing.”
It’s clear this is the first Poussey’s heard about this, and quickly her face falls like a little lesbian flower. Why would Taystee leave the enchanting forest of literature for the murky swamp of mopping? WHY GODDESS WHY?
But we haven’t even gotten to the part where Nan becomes a male prostitute!
Taystee explains that Vee’s got a little “something” in the works and that’s why she’s gotta switch to custodial. This is probably like at Socialist Jewish Youth Camp when all the cool kids picked custodial as their work assignment so they could smoke pot in the bathrooms and fuck around by the dumpsters. I picked painting, by the way. We made a mural. It was really pretty. Where was I? Oh yes, in this sad world where Taystee and Poussey won’t be knocking boots in the stacks anymore. Also, Taystee says she “owes” Vee and that Poussey wouldn’t understand what that’s like — basically, she’s drawing a line in the sand between what she perceives as Poussey’s privileged upbringing and her own, in which riskier choices had to be made and loyalty holds unusual power.
Just rip out all the pages with Nan/Diana sex scenes, hide them in your vagina, and we can read them together later tonight, okay?
“She could probably get you transferred I bet,” Taystee offers.
“Nah,” Poussey replies. “No. I know when I got it good.”
Flashbackland: Scissortown, FullBoobsville, Germany. We’ve got two naked ladies rubbing their vaginas against one another on a bed and one of them is Poussey, so basically this moment should bring you back to about three PM on June 6th when you had to change your underwear.
G-d bless actresses without nudity clauses
Poussey and Franziska are straining to make the legendary sex position work to no avail — a leg cramps, a thing feels good and then it doesn’t and then they laugh. “I told you scissoring wasn’t a thing,” Poussey resigns as they both grin, flopping into bed beside each other like two girls in love.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Poussey tells Franziska that she likes the saying, “Love is not about staring at each other, but staring off in the same direction.” But Franziska says she likes staring at Poussey too much to like that saying, a feeling to which all of us at home can relate.
And that’s where we’ll hang the mobile for Poussey Junior
Franziska is thirsty so Poussey produces a magical glass of water and tips it into her mouth, letting a lot drip onto Franziska’s body, providing a slippery trail Poussey traces with her mouth all the way down between Franziska’s thighs.
WELP
…BUT THEN WHO SHOULD WALK IN BUT…
Are you doing it on my new duvet cover?
Oh whoops sorry, wrong “parent walks in on their child they didn’t know was gay having sex with a lady” scene. HERE:
Hey sweetie just wanted to see if you wanted to go out for Yogurtland OH MY GOD
It’s Franziska’s father!
WHO LEAVES THEIR DOOR UNLOCKED WHEN THEIR FATHER LOOKS LIKE HE JUST WALKED OFF THE SET OF THE HITLER’S RAGE SCENE IN “DOWNFALL”
We return to Litchfield, where brave Bennett is nervously smuggling in Daya’s important pregnancy vitamins.
Mmm, yup, feels like you’re hiding a baby bunny in your lower back, we’re gonna have to check that out
In the kitchen, the girls prepare heart-shaped sugar cookies with frosting and Maritza’s are really truly awful. “You’re lucky you’re pretty,” Maria says, ’cause she tells it like it is. “You know that, right?”
Flaca you know we can’t get political when we decorate cookies! After Caputo trashed your Free Asana cookies last year do you really think Hillary 2016 is gonna go over well?
Bennet shows up with the goodies but Daya doesn’t wanna play the normal game anymore ’cause she’s depressed about how they’re never gonna be normal. Good observation.
Hey I worked my ass off to buy you that hairnet show me some respect!
Elsewhere in the Hallowed Halls of Litchfield, Healy overhears Soso telling a new inmate who’s been assigned Healy as her counselor that none of the girls really like him, so he might not be the best shoulder to cry on, but if she’s tough, she’ll be fine.
Just ate a bucket of creamy cole slaw
Healy feels sad.
Is trying to remember how many toaster strudels are left in the freezer
Piper’s snooping, yeah she’s snooping. She’s doin’ work — fixing shit, wires are involved, tools have been extracted — but she’s also snooping. She’s snooping for the scoop with 20 questions for Luscheck.
Has anybody tried to have lesbian sex up here? Seems secluded.
Like — have you noticed all these fuses blowing? Luschek has, yes, is she just now noticing that the place is falling apart? What happened to the electrical budget, Piper wants to know! We upgraded a thing, says Luschek! Did you though? Asks Piper. Obviously not, he implies. This place is fucked up, she says. You don’t want to know the half of it, he tells her. DUM DUM DUM.
Look, I’m not exactly a saint, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for Ezra to be sleeping with Aria, even if he’s not working at Rosewood. It’s just not right, she’s too young.
Cut to a rousing session of Yoga with Yoga Jones. Today’s session will be rudely accompanied by unwanted molestation from our resident lesbian, Big Boo!
IS THAT BITCH WEARING MY SOCKS??!!!
It will also entail a visit from Red and her magical caravan of treats — sunflower seeds for Boo, eyeshadow for Anita, tea for Yoga Jones.
Yoga Jones: “Well look who’s back.”
I’ve hid condoms in these tea bags so now all of us can share sex toys
Red tells everybody to continue being a dolphin. Good call.
Back in White Girl Row, Nicky’s congratulating herself on bagging a four-pointer when Red shows up to tell everybody that they have to forgive each other and be her friend. She even brought presents for everybody to convince them that it’s Friendship Super Time!
Oh wow she has the Game of Thrones 5-Book Boxed Set I don’t know how to say no to that
Nicky says you can’t buy their love, but Red is in a HOT PANIC about how they need to band together now because otherwise Vee is going to destroy everything and everybody forever. This feels accurate.
The moment I held her breast in my hand, that’s when I knew — I was bisexual and there was no fighting it for one more minute
Over in commissary, Maxwell’s threatening to vote libertarian because they can’t stock cigarettes anymore what kind of fresh hell is this!?!?! Then Poussey drops by to ask Vee if they can step outside for a little one-on-one.
C’mon, just pull my finger a lil bit
Vee obliges and the two relocate.
Vee: Lemme guess, “Yo, Vee I’m just so mad since y’all got Taystee transferred to custodial. Just left me in the library with my titties in my hand.” Close?
Poussey: No, you left out, “If you get her in trouble, I’ll kill you.”
This nausea in my stomach? Yeah, that’s what I get from looking at you. And also I had some creamy cole slaw from Long John Silver’s and it isn’t sitting well with the halibut.
Vee challenges Poussey like it’s all just posturing — how are you gonna kill me? Poussey doesn’t know. Poussey would figure it out. Vee’s not scared.
Poussey: I know she thinks she owes you, but from what I heard, you’re just a bully who uses lost kids for her own shit and then dumps them soon as the heat comes down. You’re a fucking vampire!
Vee: There was this kid growing up. His name was Haro Jones. He had these arms. I just wanted to lick the length of his arms. And then one day I walked into the park, found his hand up Jamela Larkin’s skirt. Broke my poor fool heart.
Ugh it’s so embarrassing when she just bursts into song in the hallway
Poussey doesn’t give a fuck about Vee’s little stories, but you get the point, yeah? We all know where this story is going, don’t we? To that point that so many lesbians have had thrust in their face by people who are mean like Vee and people who aren’t mean but think they’re doing you a favor you can’t already do yourself.
Vee: “Taystee. Will never. Love. You. She will never love you. Not the way you want.”
Poussey laughs. She’s heard this one before.
Poussey: “Yo I don’t want her like that. I’m just looking out for her, that’s all.”
Of course Poussey does, in fact, want her like that, but that’s not what this is about, is it? Whether or not Taystee can ever love Poussey back “the way she wants” is irrelevant — Poussey loves her, and wants to keep her safe.
Be real with me do you truly think I remind you of Cruella DeVille, if it helps I can pull up last week’s Autostraddle recap for an illustration
Cut back to Flashbackland, where Poussey’s in this sleeveless shirt and these tight jeans and these fly sneakers, smoking out the window like she doesn’t know she’s the hottest thing to happen to the universe since Larry blew up from getting too close to Piper’s sun.
Damn eventually those lesbians from the internet have to get tired of singing “I Wanna Come Over” over and over on my lawn all night
Then Pops shows up with bad news: They’re being transferred back to the states. He doesn’t know why. We know why, though, and so does Poussey. Poussey’s whole heart hurts.
I’m so sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but I just got word that Frankie and Kat are only gonna be in the first few episodes of Season Two.
So here we have her, again, losing love not because of who she is as a person, but because of what sort of person she is.
How can they even HAVE a second season without Frankie though?
I think what makes this even harder is that Poussey is one of a handful of inmates who abide by an unshakable moral code and possesses for whatever reason the facilities to employ it. Even the characters we love, the ones with good hearts, for so many reasons that are sometimes within their control but usually not, make a lot of truly terrible choices, often choices that hurt other people. Or they prove themselves unable to safely and legally control their own lives.
Back at Litchfield, Maxwell and Piper run into each other outside ’cause Piper’s snooping and Maxwell’s smoking.
Damn is she using a Rabbit over there?!
Piper wants to know about a gym she heard there were plans to build. What happened to the gym? Maxwell says it’s the same thing that always happens to big plans like that, but before she can explain what it is exactly that “always happens” (probably cramping and nausea), Healy barges in and tells Piper to stop asking questions IF SHE EVER WANTS TO SEE HER NANA AGAIN!
And she has these HIPBONES, Healy, these HIPBONES I just cannot help but grab ’em and pull her real close to me whenever I see her
Piper thinks quick and decides to tell him that she’s asking questions for the… newspaper! She’s gonna start a prison newsletter and she just needs his permission to get started! It’ll enable everybody to communicate more and get to know each other as human beings! It’s gonna be like The Autostraddle Insider, basically, or maybe the A+ Bee. Healy approves it ’cause he feels insecure.
Healy: The girls used to like me.
Piper: They will again.
Vee heads down to custodial to harass her girls. It’s like Foxfire except with slightly less bloodletting.
Ahhh thank the lord the All Purpose Primo’s here, I’ve been waiting to sprinkle that shit on my cheerios all day
Taystee, fresh off her confrontation with Poussey, wants to know why Vee let RJ get killed. Taystee says she doesn’t believe in Vee anymore, not after all that.
All Purpose Primo. I’m telling you. So much better than bananas on your Cheerios. Just try it.
Meanwhile, Suzanne finds the wedding invitation in Morello’s trash.
Is it too late to RSVP?
Vee seduces Taystee back to the dark side by opening the cleaning cans and showing her that they are filled with tobacco they can roll into cigarettes and sell to inmates! Um, somebody’s not very good at ordering cleaning cans?
It’s Floo Powder! Now you can travel with the witches and wizards through the Floo network!
Piper gets a letter from Alex Vause! But then she throws it out. This is depressing.
Please be nudie pics please be nudie pics
It’s time to hear what Flaca and Maritza think love is!
Flaca: It’s like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And The Smiths are playing There is a Light That Never Goes Out. Oh! There’s warm lighting all over and there’re like five dudes massaging you.
Maritza: And you have a pizza.
Flaca: She’s right. And you also have a pizza.
Perfect!
You’ve got to be kidding me that those girls couldn’t figure out how to scissor, we do it all the fucking time!
Flaca and Maritza are drinking hooch at the Valentine’s Day Party, probably in celebration of Ellen Page coming out.
Just drink it really fast and it’ll be fine, they drink mouthwash on Intervention all the time, I promise!
Meanwhile, Healy’s giving Bennett really appalling advice about women:
Healy: With women, you make ’em think you’re meeting them halfway, when really what you’re doing is you’re meeting them about 10% to 15% of the way. Women are really bad at math. Don’t forget that.
Bennet goes to tell Daya that maybe they can’t be normal, but she doesn’t really wanna talk about that, she wants him to take her somewhere where they can fuck. Surprisingly enough, he’s into this idea.
Yup, this is 100% pure blood procured from the full Diva Cups of every menstruating Litchfield inmate. Want a cup?
While Bennett is fucking Daya and Healy is doing who know’s what, Jimmy slips out of the building, probably in an attempt to locate Jack for their Valentine’s Day date.
La la la
Poussey’s not at the party, though. She’s reading in the library. That’s where Taystee finds Poussey, creeps up behind her, and covers her eyes with her palm, commanding her to close her eyes if she wants a special surprise in her mouth.
Who’s ready for an ear nibble??!!
Taystee asks Poussey to part her lips…
Taystee asks Poussey part them a little more…
And then, for one moment, we all believe the possibility Poussey is currently entertaining, that this surprise might be a kiss on the lips maybe even with tongue. But it isn’t — it’s a fucking cigarette.
please be a joint please be a joint please by a joint
Taystee’s just ecstatic about Vee’s new sales plan and how she’s gonna make all of them super rich! BUT WHAT ABOUT LOVE, TAYSTEE?! WHAT ABOUT KICKING IT WITH SOMEBODY, TALKING, MAKING MAD STUPID JOKES AND NOT EVEN WANTING TO GO TO SLEEP ‘CAUSE THEN YOU MIGHT BE WITHOUT ‘EM FOR A MINUTE.
We return to Flashbackland. Poussey is wearing a sleeveless shirt again and smoking at the window when Franziska shows up. She’s devastated that Poussey and her Pops are shipping out and wants Poussey to bring her along.
Wait wait just gimme one hit before you put it out
Jersey is sort of the worst, Poussey says, hurrying around like she’s gonna break Franziska’s heart AND MAYBE ALSO MINE. “Look, you’re fun to fuck, but that’s it,” says Poussey. Why do people always do this in television shows and movies? Like tell each other, “this whole thing was meaningless” when it’s all over? That doesn’t make anything easier for anybody! I mean heartbreak is heartbreak, and at least if they admit they’re feeling it too, you’ve got someone on your side.
Have you ever been to Newark, Franziska? Nobody wants to live in Newark.
BUT THERE ARE SOME AFFORDABLE ONE-BEDROOMS IN HOBOKEN!!!
Franziska is devastated.
Franziska: You’re the love of my life.
Poussey: You have killer tits. I’ll remember those.
Franziska: Yesterday you loved me! How can you just shut down like this?
Poussey: I’ve had a lot of practice.
:-(
Back at the Valentine’s Day Party, Daya thinks Bennett is the sweetest!
Here, it’s a list of all the v-strings I need you to order me from the Victoria’s Secret website
Also, Mendez sent her a valentine in the mail! Because he’s the creepiest!
Watch out for anthrax
BACK TO THE VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY! Piper’s snooping around asking people what love is as a lead-in to ask more invasive questions about the overall maintenance of the facility. This means I was wrong about this whole situation being somebody’s Film Studies project, but I’m pretty much right about everything else I’ve ever said in my life, so.
Do you know where I can acquire some organic or cruelty-free lube around here? I’m open to DIY options.
‘Cause I tried maple syrup and found out the hard way that they don’t sell Monostat at the commissary!
Piper wants to know when the olds last saw some plumbing being done. They estimate it was approximately ten billion years ago.
Meanwhile, Healy’s calling his wife to tell her Happy Valentine’s Day and to inform her that he’s a good man who is going to make her proud. He also uses the phrase “this big galoot,” and I don’t know, I feel sad for the guy. There’s always something epically sad about a marriage where one person keeps trying and the other is ruthlessly disinterested.
heheheh heh of course the refrigerator isn’t running why do you ask?
Back at the party, the girls are line-dancing while Soso posits stoner theories about Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to Sophia until Sister Ingalls yells at her to shut the fuck up.
I CANNOT LISTEN TO ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU ABOUT LIVING OFF THE LAND
Pennsatucky, still struggling to re-insert herself into the social hierarchy she once dominated, wants to know why Leanne won’t talk to her:
Pennsatucky: Why are you ignoring me? Why are you ignoring me? Spit it out! Come on!
Leanne: Look, you’ve been lording over this group like some Hillary Clinton dictator.
Pennsatucky: What?
Leanne: And we wanna be a democracy!
Pennsatucky: Are you calling me Hillary Clinton?
Leanne: If the pantsuit fits.
WHERE ARE THE JUNIOR MINTS YOU PROMISED ME???
Leanne: Look, we’re done with you.
Pennsatucky: Y’all are done with me? That’s really funny. That’s really funny Leanne, because if I’m Hillary Clinton, then y’all must be some sister-wife, tweaker, Slurpee-drinking, fourth-grad reading level Daddy-on-COPS, trailer trash nothing! And you know what? It’s okay ’cause you never even challenged me anyhow!
Pennsatucky and her transparent defense mechanisms, y’all, it kinda hurts my heart even though I hated her last season. Then she disappears in a huff and Leanne takes her spot as #1 Boss Bitch.
I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.
What else is happening at this delightful party? Well, Morello is eating her feelings with a tray of Macaroni Con Queso.
Don’t you dare move, taquitos, I’m coming for you next
Flaca, Maritza and Blanca are trying to blackmail Bennett into bringing them small electronics and mouthwash in his prosthetic leg.
The sheriff of Area 9 in Texas has gone missing. He is twice as old as I am and very powerful. If one such as he can be taken, than none of us is safe.
Big Boo’s yelling at Nicky about telling everybody she has crabs, which has landed them in a tie for the Bang-Off.
Damn I should’ve known better than to eat all that caramel corn
This is my kind of party!
HEY-O!
After Nicky and Big Boo swap the scoop on Nicky’s recent pick-up Pickler’s “macro-clit,” the two agree to end the Bang-Off because it was making every lesbian who watches the show profoundly uncomfortable. THANKS GUYS!!!
Goddess willing I hope to regain the use of my three fucking fingers by the end of the week
Another night, another Side Boob gig at a Bar & Grill! Caputo is thrilled to see Fischer is there for the gig, and subsequently devastated to learn that she’s actually brought a few officers who weren’t on duty that night — Wanda, Luscheck and O’Neill. O’Neill and Wanda bicker, Caputo sadly removes the “Reserved” sign he’d placed on Fischer’s apparent seat at the bar, and Luscheck tells Caputo that he looks like “The gay Edge,” which is true. Suddenly, the show is no longer Orange is the New Black but one of those sitcoms where office colleagues gather in a sad bar in heavy coats after work and we get to see what life is like off-duty.
Hey, who invited Toby?
Back at the Red Hearts Party, Suzanne’s explaining what love is, and it’s real nice. She says love makes you so you, even if “you” felt like SO MUCH before, that person who loves you makes being SO MUCH just a little bit easier.
Suzanne: “But now it’s okay because the person like, whoever, they chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff. Whatever’s wrong or bad or hiding in you. Suddenly it’s all right. You don’t feel like such a freak anymore.”
Only you have the power to fight California brushfires
It’d be a perfect moment if I didn’t fear she was talking about Vee.
Back on the New York City set, Larry, carrying a giant bag of Piper’s stuff, runs into Polly on his way out and decides to kiss her! But then her loud drunk Australian husband shows up and says the word “spunk.” It’s gross!
Jussssttt gotta get this dead body out of the apt real quick before Mom and Dad come over for strawberry cake
Back in Party-town, Suzanne saddles up next to a sad Morello to talk to her about the wedding invitation she found in the trash. It’s sweet, like sweeter than the sugar cookies with the frosting and everything.
Suzanne: Yeah, I know something about loving people who aren’t smart enough to wanna be loved back. I learned a secret I can tell you. They don’t deserve it!
Morello: He’s ruined this day for me forever. Nobody knows that we’re not together.
Suzanne: No, but you do.
Yeah I guess when you cut it out and everything the new airbnb logo does look a little bit like a vagina
Then they laugh and Morello realizes that she does know! She still wants to believe in love, too, even after all the crazy shit she did. Isn’t that sad? Suzanne says it’s not sad, it’s brave. Then they hug. Suzanne does the thing to her shirt that I do where she cuts out a little place for her thumbs which makes me feel really tender.
awwwwwww
Maritza and Flaca are in the kitchen drinking hooch talking about fake tits, and it’s kinda romantic. Flaca throws her Ian cookie at the wall. FUCK YOU IAN!!!!
This Mango Tangelo chapstick is the bomb!
Maritza: You know what gets me? We’re wasting the best years of our lives in here. Our tits are never gonna look better. Our asses are never gonna look better. You know, no one’s touching my ass. No one’s kissing my lips.
Flaca: Shit, I’ll kiss your dumb lips.
!!!!! THIS EPISODE IS AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.
!!!!
After what appears to be a promising amount of passion, they detach, crack up, and confirm that they won’t be lesbianing together any time soon ’cause nope. Then Flaca cries in her lap. Friendship is magic.
Back in the main party room, everybody’s dancing and having a good ‘ol time, but Poussey’s off to the side, hitting on an extra.
Splits Seeks Banana For Good Time
Taystee bounds over to pull Poussey into the Riverdance, but Poussey’s too hung up on that shit Vee slung at her and thus is acting like she can just shut that shit down, because you know, she’s had a lot of practice.
Poussey: Damn, I don’t interrupt you when you going to town on a bunch of spaghetti, damn. Man, why don’t you head on back to Erykah Badu over there. Damn.
[laughs]
Taystee: Man, I’m gonna forget you said that.
Poussey: I don’t give a fuck what you forget or remember!
Her name is Doris and she’s in here ’cause of a copyright violation charge on her OITNB fan tumblr, thanks for asking
Surprisingly enough, the extra either thinks Poussey is a bitch or has mad drama with Taystee, and peaces out, leaving Poussey hard up and pissed off.
Then we snap on back to Flashbackland where we witness that Poussey isn’t really able to just shut down like that after all, but I think we sort of already knew that. She’s fucked up and crying and yelling at Franziska’s father; sobbing, pleading, “I love her.”
I told you never to interrupt my father while he’s eating a mini-sundae!
“And that is why you are going home,” he says. Then Poussey reaches into the back of her jeans where she’s got a gun ready — and we think OH MY LAWD IS THIS WHAT SHE’S IN JAIL FOR and then remember that she said “I wasn’t even in Jersey when that shit went down” regarding the crime she’s in jail for, so this can’t be it — but before she can pull out the gun, Pops shows up and stops her, gently, from behind, holding her close.
Franziska’s Dad: You know there are programs that can change your daughter’s confused predilections.
Poussey’s Dad: Thanks, but she’s fine.
Poussey’s Dad rules, Franziska’s Dad drools.
I SAID GOOD DAY.
Back at the party, Red and Vee saddle up next to each other, standing side-by-side, like two mean queens surveying the kingdom. Red says “you know this will not end well,” and the look on Vee’s face suggests that that’s exactly what she’s hoping for.
75,000 light years away from home, eh? Tough break.
Pennsatucky is sad because her friends are dancing without her, so she goes outside and finds Mr. Healy sitting there, alone.
It’s fine I don’t like the timers on the new edition of Scattergories anyhow they can play without me
She looks really sad, like a sadness that takes her whole body. Mr. Healy gives her a cookie and she holds it to her heart, and then hugs him while crying. Tentatively, and then truly, he pats her on the back.
Here. It’s poison.
I LOVE POISON!
Back at the Side Boob concert, Fischer and Luscheck are laughing together and music is playing and hey hey hey I’m hungry do they have hummus here OH MY GOOD LORD GUESS WHO’S AT THE CONCERT
haiiii!!!!!
Real talk: This is like one of my top ten favorite Orange is the New Black moments of all time.
oh shit
Who wants a Mint Julep? First round’s on me!
Back at the party, Piper tells some mysterious creature that love is like “coming home.” She smiles, pleased to have been granted this opportunity to talk about herself and her feelings. “Thanks for asking,” she says, finally.
i painted this mountain. do you like it. i think it’s okay.
Welp, that’s all for this week’s episode! Next week a special guest recapper will have words for you about Comic Sans and Black Cindy.
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Best/worst episode. Why can’t Poussey have nice things?!?!?! I just want her to have one nice thing.
Also does anyone else have a slight crush on Murphy? She doesn’t seem to get nice things either. Maybe she and Poussey would get along. Litchfield should get OkCupid for inmates.
Yes to the Murphy crush. I don’t quite know what it is that makes her so compelling, but she’s real cute and I want to know more things about her.
I saw her in person once at a movie theater with my gf at the time, I could not keep it together. She’s effing adorable.
I thank you for providing the specific screencaps you knew we all needed.
Kids I didn’t watch any of season 2 until my trip to Germany so I could watch it with my dual-citizen girlfriend. When Poussey’s flashback started I yelled at the tiny laptop screen that my German girlfriend was WAY HOTTER than Poussey’s German girlfriend.
You are one lucky duck!!
I have watched this episode while crying profusely an unhealthy number of times, and while it didn’t have that picture of Kate at the beginning, this recap did this episode justice perfectly. It picked up every hilarious detail and now I get to scroll through them all again at work and try not to snort laugh when customers are here.
I like OITNB and this season was fine. But here is one thing that I have to say. This isn’t a “fan plea” or a “pipe dream” but an official declaration:
Poussey in Germany – everything going on there; should be its own show.
I would burn my retina’s into to blindness watching, and re-watching all the awesomeness that it would be.
That is all.
Maybe they shouldn’t make it, for the sake of your (and all of our) health…
But I…I already started writing fanfic. It must happen, I shall not let my sultry words go wasted!
Wow. This gif really captures all my feelings about this episode, and I fully appreciate it’s existence, so I’m just going to post it again. I also kind of wish it could be my screensaver? Too much?
Make it into a moving wizard tattoo
also would v. much like this to be a tiger beat cover
SO MANY POUSSEY FEELINGS. Can’t even articulate them all. This was a standout episode, Samira Wiley did a stellar job, Poussey is my favourite.
Also, I really enjoyed the old lady crew this season. I hope we see more from them.
In other news, I do not care about Healy or his sad feels. I really, really do not.
The older ladies are absolutely so badass.
I would love it if Franziska got back into contact with Poussey next season! Maybe she could start sending Poussey letters? I just love stories where people who were cruely ripped apart find each other again. Real spit in the eye of Franziska’s asshole of a dad!
I always thought Poussey was great but wasn’t THAT obsessed. But then she starts speaking German!! I was officially done right there and then. In love with Poussey forever and for always. Also the final Germany flashbacks were the only thing in the series to make me actually cry…but I guess I am only on episode 10 so there’s still time haha.
i have to say i don’t know what to do about Pennsatucky. in the first season she was deliciously evil, the kind of evil that you wonder what kind of psychosis she had i compare her to heath ledger’s level of evil in batman. And i don’t know if the nastiness is still there or the beat down she took knocked the evil out.
If you didn’t love Poussey after this episode you were never going to love her. She has always been my favorite character but this episode really set that in stone.
This episode also provided a nice little moment between Morello and Suzanne which confirms that Morello is actually capable of not being a racist asshole at times. It’s the one character flaw that I really wish they would do away with altogether.
Oh, and Vee will forever and always be THE WORST PERSON EVER. Lorraine Toussant is amazing. It’s been a while since an actor has been so compelling at making me hate their character beyond words while admiring their ruthlessness at the same time.
YES that scene with Morello and Suzanne was really perfect, and so unexpected.
Toootally agree about Vee. I hate her, but love her character. Her manipulation skills, man.
“Here. It’s poison.”
“I LOVE POISON!”
-All of us gulping down liquor at the gay barz
!!!
Definitely all the feelings for Poussey. We’ve been getting flashbacks like crazy this season. Jimmy reminds me a lot of my geriatric-psych patients. When they have dementia and they’re just looking for someone.
I know this is very out of place and all, but I just needed a space to say that I just really love Watson and think she’s a babe. Good? Good.
Oh my god I’ve been in love with Watson for a while now. But I’m sad her and Yoga don’t hang anymore… they were the cutest of friends.
i was in love with watson and was convinced she was queer until we found out that she wasn’t queer and then i was sad and decided to like poussey instead but watson is still my first love
I feel like my story is basically the same except that Watson is still my main lady love because of her never-ending babe factor and distant memories of her attractive badassery in season one
Super excited about this episode, super excited about Poussey! As a German I really liked that she spoke “real” German and not just some invented words that kind of sound German (I’m looking at you, SCRUBS!). They even found a German actress for a girlfriend.
I really liked the recap as well, just one thing…this might not be understandable for someone from another nation but I am soooo tired of Nazi jokes whenever someone is German, it is way overdone and even offensive to many of us.
Question! How was Samira Wiley’s German accent? Did she sound fluent?
Her grammar was great (kudos to the writers) but she had a pretty strong American accent. It sounded cute though ;) I don’t think she speaks German in real life but she really made an effort to sound as german as possible.
Yes. Another German here.
I found that joke off-color to the rest of the recap.
‘Any German in Uniform = Nazi’ is such a cheap shot. I expected more of Riese, even if just that she’d come up with something wittier.
Let’s not forget the Jews, Romani, Poles, Serbs, Rheinlandbastarde, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Communists, sexual minorities, mentally and physically differently abled persons, Soviet POWs, and members of other ethnic, religious, political, sexual, or otherwise-marginalized groups that suffered under the Third Reich and its client states; some of them may also be offended by what could be interpreted as the belittlement of their suffering.
And those German actors were responsable for that? Should we Start calling Americans slave owners all the time then? I’m sorry but that’s just stupid.
And those marginalized groups you mentioned were not German?
My great-grandfather was a communist and almost ended in a concentration and I am so sick of these jokes.
I’m sorry; I must not have been clear as to my intention. I agree with you that the joke in the recap was in poor taste. I just wanted to supplement your comment by adding a list of others who might find the joke offensive.
Some members of some of these groups who suffered under the Third Reich or one of its client states—Communists, for example—were indeed German. I never sought to didpute that. Other Communists who suffered under the Third Reich or one of its client states were not. Still other Communists who did not themselves suffer under the Third Reich or one of its client states may nevertheless take offense at the joke on account of their comrades’ suffering. The same applies, mutatis mutandis, for the other groups.
Once again, I apologize for any misunderstanding I may have caused.
Oh I’m sorry I misread your comment, now I get what you meant and I agree.
It is just frustrating when a nation has worked very hard to overcome the horror their ancestors have done to other people and make sure not to take part in any wars anymore and all that but no one seems to care because Germans = Nazis = War and that is all your nation stands for even if you were born 40 or 50 years after that. And Autostraddle just usually is not a place for something like that. (And yes, then there’s also the problem of the feeling of Holocaust victims when it comes to Nazi jokes).
I understand. If it’s any consolation, I don’t blame you for the Holocaust.
Before this episode my favourite memory of anything German was dancing with some random slightly drunk people, bonding over our apparently mutual love of Fine Young Cannibals “She Drives Me Crazy” while I tried to explain that it was the #1 song the day I was born, which was a challenge, because I was at a Hard Rock Cafe in Munich and didn’t speak ANY German.
After this episode, I have a new favourite German thing.
This was my favorite episode of the season and solidified my obsession with Poussey. I loved her backstory and I was shocked at the scissoring scene! I thought it was really tender and great but also pretty graphic, it was a very pleasant surprise. Also, Franziska really does have great boobs.
Jimmy at the Sideboob gig was legit one of the best moments on the show.
To be fair, there are plenty of stupid white guys who do speak German: over thirty million in Germany alone, actually.
To be honest all I care about in this episode was that Maritza and Flaca hooked up, I think that they secretly dig each other. I’m even more curious as to what Poussey’s crime was. I always had this idea that Poussey’s mom had cancer and she was working an 9 to 5 while selling weed to pay for her moms medical bills but I’m happy with her canon backstory and I also really enjoyed the fact that her father supported her. That scene between Morello and Suzanne was really sweet
thank you for recapping!