In the Spanish Harlem bathroom, the plumber says a lot of plumbery stuff to Caputo about snakes and pipes. Then Fig marches in to Deb out!

Don’t leave me

Fig is pissed that they hired an actual plumber who isn’t on the list of “approved vendors” and insists that the prison is suffering from a budget deficit so significant that she’d prefer to have the girls take 30-second showers than spend 80 grand to fix the situation.

Caputo: “Let’s just cut their food rations so they don’t shit as much!”
Fig: “I will crunch the numbers on that and get back to you.”

Thanks for letting me borrow your clipboard, dude, you’re a real friend

Meanwhile, Chapman hits up Healy’s Hideaway to inform him that her grandmother is very ill and request furlough.

Healy: “Furlough is like the Loch Ness Monster. Much discussed and rarely seen.”

Chapman points out that Healy left her to die in the snow while a maniac dressed like an angel of Jesus attacked her with a magic stick and then he gave her attacker brand new teeth so maybe he should think about THAT for a minute.

MY TEETH ARE JUST FINE THANK YOU

Over by the telephones, Nicky is continuing her uncomfortable pursuit of Officer Fischer while the Weeping Woman weeps. Nicky, honey, lovely dove: the likelihood of this hook-up happening is about equal to the likelihood that tomorrow the dentist will tell me they’re looking for volunteers to try Invisalign for free. You know how there are straight girls and then there are STRAIGHT girls? Yeah, well, Fischer is a STRAIGHT girl. Like she is STRAIGHTER than an arrow, like she’s already hanging out on the bullseye while you’re still on your first drink.

Should I have beef stroganoff for dinner? Or chili with cheddar cheese ? Maybe I should have shepard’s pie. HMMMMMM

Also, Fischer is SERIOUS about her job and very committed to order and rules. So when Nicky tells Fischer that she knows all the places where the cameras don’t work “if you’re ever feeling curious about other things” I just feel embarrassed. It’s like watching bad improv.

Did somebody say We-Vibe?

Fischer snaps back that if Nicky doesn’t have a phone call to make, she needs to gtfo. So that ship, my friends, has sailed.

Back in the glorious monument to sodium that is the prison cafeteria, the girls are not enjoying their meal ’cause Gloria put a truckload of salt in it.

Poussey: Man, they fucking with us this way because they know our people’s predisposition for hypertension!
Taystee: Man, they tryin’ to kill us.

THIS COFFEE TASTES LIKE POOPY SHIT

Suzanne says the secret is to “pretend the salt is sugar,” and then she taps her forehead with a plastic fork because she’s amazing. As Daya passes their table, Watson sticks out her leg to trip her, thus setting off a series of events that leads Bennett to using unreasonable force against Watson and threatening to send her to the SHU.

Well this is totally appropriate

Daya’s mom is pissed at Gloria for starting shit that could’ve hurt Daya’s baby so now Gloria has to take care of business with Vee.

Then we journey back to Flashbackland, where Gloria’s emerging from the bodega’s backroom crying, clutching her two children, telling Lourdes that Arturo hit the kids and now they really really really must flee which’ll be fine ’cause she’s got all this money in a box at the register from her food stamp scheme and now they can leave everything behind! Then Arturo shows up to apologize and Lourdes calls him a Beaner, and he’s like WHOA I’m Dominican, not Mexican, and Lourdes is like, “It’s hate speech. It’s not meant to be accurate. It’s meant to be hateful.”

WHAT IS THIS, BIG LOTS?

But before we can talk about how great Lourdes is and how Arturo should probably run into traffic, the police show up. Arturo freaks out and runs, thinking they’re here to deport him — but no such luck. They’re here for Gloria because of the food stamps.

Hey uh while I’m here could you grab me a pack of Newports? I’ll loosen the cuff for just one second if you don’t mind

As they stuff her into the backseat of the police car, Lourdes shouts that it’ll all be okay, they’d never put a mom in prison! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. Gloria’s neighbor — who was complaining in the first flashback about how he bought a candle that didn’t magically procure him employment — looks on smugly, making it clear that he’s the one who called the cops.

Just found out that Fresh Direct doesn’t deliver to this block

So you know that really sad bar where everything is sort of vaguely sticky and you actually worked there for like two weeks that one summer before you got what seemed like a slightly better job at a place that turned out to be slightly worse, pay-wise? But you still don’t regret quitting the sad bar because that woman who trained you made you feel hopeless and barren? But you do regret going through training because now that you know the potato skins come frozen and are just microwaved before being served to guests you can’t enjoy the potato skins as much as you used to? This is the bar where Caputo’s Jam Band Side Boob has a gig!

DURRRRRRRR

Healey shows up because he wants to be a guy with friends.

Back at Litchfield the girls have gathered to ponder the sad state of affairs with Gloria’s determination to make their lives and scrambled eggs unpleasant.

Welp, who’s gonna change so we don’t all show up at the party in the same outfit

Watson is LAYING IT DOWN:

Watson: We go to prison 20% longer for the same crimes as white people. They can stop and frisk us whenever they want, and now, when some bitch fucks with our food, I’m the one who gets thrown on the ground?

Vee sits there reveling in their outrage, clearly delighted that the girls have been made miserable enough by her scheming to potentially participate in whatever dark arts she’s got up her cloak.

Gloria summons Vee to the bathroom for a little chat. I hope it’s gonna be like when Rachel and Charice went to the bathroom together on Glee.

And I told her, you know, that my nipples are an erogenous zone just as essential to the sexual experience as anything happening below the belt

Also, Black Cindy says she’d put a coconut in a sock and be like BAM.

Back at the bar, Healy is drunk-talking to Caputo about working in the mine. This scene is physically painful to watch because I mostly hate these guys. HOWEVER we do learn that Caputo is sick of Fig’s fucking nonsense and the fact that they can’t get approval to fix the shit showers.

Caputo: “The least we can do is keep these women safe and clean.”

Look dude, if you’re gonna talk to me you’ll have to just look past the fact that my mustache has been known to burn the retinas of lesbian recappers

As if on cue, Fig shows up on the Bar TV in her husband’s campaign commercial.

30-Second Showers For Everybody!

This is good, you know, I mean this is really good — that Caputo’s maxing out on how much misery he can, in good conscience, deliver to the inmates via his supervisor, and Healy seems to suddenly get it, too. Like he remembers in this moment that his job has a purpose besides sitting in a chair and playing with plastic dolls all day.

Meanwhile in the bathrooms, no musical numbers are happening. Vee says she just wants to be friends but Gloria shoves her against the wall in a very un-friendly way.

Wanna know where I learned this little hand move? Beavis & Butthead, that’s where. Great show.

Vee says she doesn’t want any trouble, that she’ll totally take the Spanish bathroom because Suzanne loves to mop or something. Vee is visibly and dramatically on the verge of tears and goes for the lowest blow of all, which is to fake vulnerability to shame your sparring partner out of seeing you for the sociopath you really are. Vulnerability, especially from a villain, raises the stakes, because don’t we all think the villain’s villainousness could be cured by just opening up? And then what — you either play into it, or you call them out, and the latter consists of accusing them of being a sociopath, so really, it’s a lose-lose. You’re toast.

Do you feel sorry for me yet

Vee says she’s too old for this shit, that she’s not being a great den mom and that she’s gotta give her girls “something” if they’re gonna give up their bathroom.

Vee: “I’m a good talker, but I can’t sell this shit unless you give me something.”

Gloria agrees to do what Vee wants: to switch two of Gloria’s girls out of custodial so Suzanne and Taystee can work custodial, which undoubtedly is part of Vee’s ultimate master plan.

Healy is gonna try and help Piper get a furlough so she can see her dying grandmother! Yay Chapman!

Could you excuse me I recently consumed a Proud Whopper and my stomach just isn’t having it

Healy wants to be bros with Caputo but Caputo just wants him to sign the forms to transfer the girls out of custodial.

And in this folder I’ve put together a collection of prinouts from Deviant Art featuring romantic situations between Taystee and Poussey

In line at the commissary, everybody is talking about fingerbanging, which Big Boo is apparently doing a lot more of than Nicky, who accuses them of cheating.

What can I say, I gave her a demonstration and now she can’t stop showing it to everybody else.

Nicky is discouraged that her pursuit of Fischer set her back three days.

Nicky: “I was arrogant. It’s a classic story of hubris. I’m like Icarus whose wings melted before he could fuck the sun.”

Morello says Nicky should just tell everyone that Fischer has herpes because MORELLO HAS THE WORST IDEAS EVER.

She has no idea that I’ve got a butterfly vibe strapped to my ass right now but I do and that’s all that matters

Fischer confronts Caputo about the allegedly faulty security cameras and asks if anybody’s monitoring inmate phone calls. Caputo’s response is basically R U SRS and her response to that is basically YES YES I AM.

Have you seen Dawson Leary? I’ve been looking for him all over since Geometry.

Back in New York City, a box of Wheaties is wearing a peacoat and walking down the street when his ex-fiancee Piper calls to listen to him talk about bag-nuts, which JSYK are bagel/donut combos. Also he tells Piper that brings his own cup to Stumptown, which’s weird ’cause usually cans of stewed tomatoes don’t actually drink coffee, they just hang out at Safeway.

So the internet still hates me, then, is what you’re saying?

Piper gets excited thinking about frivolity and also Larry. Larry wants to know why she didn’t call earlier, and she gets that “I have been hardened by this place beyond the pale” facial expression and then that “omg a bagel with frosting” facial expression and says “I guess I’ve been imaginging I could be the kind of person who doesn’t depend on anybody.” Oh girl.

Oh it’s so good to hear that banana pudding is still a thing

Piper says she misses him and he says he misses her and WHYWHYWHY

Elsewhere in this fine institution, Vee is showing the girls their new bathroom up shit creek. Poussey aptly points out that this is segregation, like separate but way shittier. Taystee hates it. Vee says it might seem like the worst place ever but it’s THEIR worst place ever! WE ARE THE QUEENS OF SHIT MOUNTAIN.

Ew it looks like the set of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” up in here

Watson’s cool with it ’cause she hates waiting in line. Atta girl.

In the kitchen, the girls talk about their kids — Maritza’s daughter in Massachusetts turns one today, and Gloria’s two sons are in Florida with Lourdes but her older daughters live in New York and never visit. I wonder who the older daughters are! I WISH THIS SHOW COULD LAST FOREVER I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE.

Well I certainly don’t know, who do YOU think stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

Gloria sets up a situation with a candle for Maritza’s daughter and Maria gets a little biting about whether or not Gloria believes in her Santería. Gloria says she needs all the help she can get. Amen.

A++ to the construction paper necklace, I love those

Then Red storms in!

Red: You’re getting new girls in the kitchen?
Gloria: You’re not allowed back here.
Red: Did you put in a request?
Gloria: What if I did? We need the extra help to keep up with the demand.
Red: She put you up to this.
Gloria: She?
Red: Vee.
Flaca: You got the scuttlebutt ass-backwards, Red, Gloria went in there and told that bitch what’s what!
Red: She played you. You have no idea what you’ve done.

You stole my cup of peaches for your birthday shrine!!! I WANT IT BACK.

Red storms out and Gloria is like OH SHIT.

Back in Flashbackland, Arutro hits up Gloria’s bodega so he can steal her money and go terrorize some other woman’s family, probably.

Aw, the little ballerina twirls around and plays music when you open the box! How cute!

But in his haste, Arturo leaves the door key on the counter and as he’s dashing out through the backroom, he accidentally knocks over a candle. So Arturo is trapped in the room, unable to escape ’cause he’s left his key behind. The flames mount and take over the room and eventually take Arturo — and Gloria’s hard-earned cash — with it. If you’re wondering if this makes me feel weird about the fact that I said “I hope he dies in a fire” after he hit Gloria, the answer is NOPE.

Next time on Orange is the New Black, Poussey has sex with a girl!

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