Hello and welcome to the eighth recap of the third season of Orange is the New Black, a network television beauty pageant that pits Evangelical Christian mermaids against renegade Wiccan Werewolves to decide once and for all who’s worthy of the last Strawberry-Rita.
Welcome to mystery-meat hell, snitches. Red’s kitchen is the New World Order and that means bags of pork-and-cow-guts puree have arrived on the scene. Litchfield bought them wholesale from the local school district. No word yet on if they’ll also purchase the school’s surplus of six-month-old graham crackers and hard-as-a-rock, slightly gray raisin snacks.
Marizta and Blanca slice the bags of chunky meat smoothies open and slop them into a metal pan. Beef Wellington. It’s a celebration.
I’ve never even wanted to be this close to the insides of a Capri Sun juice bag.
Red is pissed. She was hoping they’d be able to expand the vegetable garden with grazing land for cattle. She’d envisioned the day she could sacrifice her fattened calves to the Russian Gods of War and use their flesh to feed her prison kindred. All those innuendos with Cracker Barrel Healey were for nought.
It’s time to call Hilda in the old country and add more chickens to our bounty for the talking head of Andy Cohen.
The slop makes the cafeteria rounds. It’s a symbol of what actually trickles down when trickle-down economics is served to the masses. Beef Wellington, my ass.
Black Cindy, the New Jew on the Block, greets her table of fellow kosher diners with all the warmth and affection of a sitcom Bat Mitzvah. Judaism has saved them all from having to consume Guy Fieri’s backwash meat surprise-a-rooni.
Ooh, watch me. Oooh, watch me. Do the stanky leg.
Of course whenever Black people have something wonderful, there’s gotta be some jealous fool trying to scheme on taking it away or getting their portion of it. We see you, Piper. Can Jewish Black Cindy live, y’all?
Morello’s cool with it. Maybe one of her imaginary Jewish husbands will actually marry her and then she too can have a bowl of Stef’s vegan matzoh ball soup.
Yo, you’re right. This meat slop totally looks like Donald Trump’s sun-burnt, squinty-eyed, sour patch face.
Piper, who’s never had life so hard before, wonders what Demarco is sprinkling on her meat chowder. Obviously, it’s meat-flavored Crystal Light. Piper is now jealous of both Jewish Black Cindy and Crafty-With-A-Flavoring-Packet Demarco.
If a white girl wants to wear corn roads, she should be allowed to be as on tweak as she wants to be.
Listen, JBC might be switching religions but she’s not one of those Norma-worshipping nutjobs. Huge difference. Huge.
At Norma’s table of Dianetics and drag queens, all followers are holding hands and whispering, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else?” over and over again.
Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Oooh, heaven is a place on earth.
Poussey is so sad she’s not at that table with them. She was really hoping to lip-sync for her life and win. What’s the prize, you ask? Is it ten thousand dollars worth of cubic zirconium diamantes? Nope, it’s 30 seconds of intense eye-contact from Norma, La Santera Blanca.
Taystee tells Poussey it’s a cult. Black Cindy tells Poussey it’s a cult. Everyone tells Poussey it’s a fucking cult, and yet: they don’t know what it’s like to get touched by La Santera Blanca. None of them know what Poussey knows. None of them have seen the heavens overflowing with marigolds and semi-naked loverbois plucking on harps.
I’m telling you, if you play Katy Perry’s Roar backwards, it’s actually a battle cry for Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign.
Poussey has seen the Promised Land. She’s been touched by Norma and that shit is too real for words. And if anyone has a pill for believing in this storyline, please send it my way. Actually do you have enough for all of us on the OITNB recap team? That’d be great, thanks.
In the hallway of broken dreams, Pensatucky meets one of the creepiest dudes to hit Litchfield yet, C.O. Charlie Coats. Like what kind of casting calls is OITNB putting out?
Wanted: White men who look like they could be pedophiles or serial killers or murderous clowns. Actually, if you look like you could be all three of those things, you’ve got the part.
And we’re going to South Dakota, and Oregon, and Washington and Michigan and then we’re going to Washington, DC to take back the White House! YAAHHHHH!
C.O. Coates is on van duty with Pensatucky but since he doesn’t know his dick from a doorknob, Pensatucky must instruct him on how to be a guard and start a vehicle.
In the edgy white-girl section of the Litchfielmd dorms, Tank Girl and Bif Naked chit chat about interior design strategies. Tank Girl wants to cover the walls in monochromatic chevron wall paper. Alex isn’t having any of that. Chevron is over, Tank Girl. It’s fucking over.
Spit in your hand, rub it on your Diva Cup, and shove it back in there. And do not ask me again, if I’ll help with insertion.
So Alex does what any good Scientologist would do and uses a beard to have a baby while jumping on Oprah’s couch. A frightened Tank Girl flees the scene. Alex is surrounded by criminals, heavy rollers even the sheisty individuals. She doesn’t trust anyone, not even a beloved comic book heroine.
Flashback to Alex crying at a funeral and could she be anymore gorgeous in the moment? No. Alex is literal perfection. She’s at her mom’s funeral, without Piper. And I swear to Jewish Black Cindy, one of the best ways to weed people out of your life is to take attendance at a funeral. Alex’s mom sounded like she was the actual best. She cared for shelter dogs, fed homeless people, and loved her drug-dealing, gal-pal-having daughter. What more could you ask for in a mom?
Was anyone else distracted by all the boats bobbing in the water behind them? Where is this magical marina cemetery?
Alex leaves the funeral looking so fly. Blue hair extensions hanging down her back, black leather jacket, etc. As she walks away from the funeral, Fahri rolls up in his totally neutral, not-used-for-selling-drugs and/or doing-illegal-activities car and scoops her up. Ugh, we all have that one friend who’s a complete bastard and yet somehow manages to be there during our roughest times.
You’re neither a grower nor a shower, my friend. Sorry to burst that bubble tho.
Fahri is that friend. He’s the friend that says “fuck your ex-girlfriend” while offering you a bump of funeral cocaine. And if you’re really lucky, before you snort the coke, he’ll also put you on to a drug deal in Paris. Cuz money makes the world go round and your mom’s dead, so what do you have to lose? Nothing. Alex takes it all.
Sophia uses the Litchfield Dream Phone to call up all the hot guys she met at the mall today. She has the biggest crush on Dan but she’ll take Jax or Gunner if Dan’s not interested in being her man.
Amandla, I’m so sorry I didn’t have your back in the moment. I didn’t even know who Andy Cohen was. I thought I was going to dinner with Nene Leakes, Serena Williams, and The Dutchess of Cambridge, but that Andy Cohen is a crafty little bottom feeder.
Sophia’s next call is to her ex-wife Crystal. Sophia goes in on how annoying and dangerous it is to deal with all the new C.O.s and their incompetence when interacting with a transgender inmate. She’s going to print out everything Autostraddle has ever written about being a trans woman, including all the pieces on how to act in allyship towards trans women, turn them into packet, and hand it out to every dumbass, transphobic officer at Litchfield.
On Crystal’s end, high school hellcats, Michael and Benny, storm the house and rummage through the well-stocked grocery bags for grub. Lil’ Michael’s been wearing cologne and eating all the string cheese. Crystal relays to Sophia that she told Michael to ease up on the Axe body spray and he told her to “stop riding his dick.”
Hello, and thank you for holding. Your official wait time for a Con Edison representative is approximately five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
Michael, in attempt to get a girl his age to actually ride his dick, snuck a girl into his room. Poor Crystal was downstairs watching Family Feud while Michael was upstairs finding his way to first and second base.
Crystal sent the anonymous young girl home. No slut-shaming though. Cuz Crystal is good like that. Sophia interrupts her story to say that maybe Michael’s misbehaving is a sign that he can’t be friends with Benny, Gloria’s son. (I still don’t understand why Sophia doesn’t like Benny. Is it cuz Benny’s Latino? Or because Sophia doesn’t like Gloria? I don’t understand this hitch in Sophia’s otherwise thoughtful/logical character.)
Crystal doesn’t understand what Benny has to do with it either. This entire situation with Michael has to do with the fact that he’s a teenager and wants to get laid.
Crystal: This isn’t about Benny. This is about Michael not rushing into sex and respecting women. Did you tell Michael that he should find an insecure girl for practice?
Sophia: He told you that?
Crystal: Yeah. He told me that.
We end on Sophia’s face of shame.
At Chang’s Commissary and Beauty Aids, Demarco asks for packs of the spicy Italian sausage ramen and they’re out. They’re out of all the ramen. ALL THE RAMEN. Someone even bought the Lysol flavored ramen.
Who? How?
So what they got unlimited breadsticks? Olive Garden isn’t real Italian food. What, you probably think Australians eat at Outback Steakhouse, too.
With the blood of a million conquerors and gentrifiers running through her veins of ice, Piper bought up all the ramen properties in the neighborhood for the sole reason of having them all; not cuz she needs them to live but so that she can be the owner of this very hot commodity and utilize this shift in the supply and demand chain to her advantage and to further exploit the more disadvantaged folks around her.
So you fill up a bathtub with a little bit of water and then you ride her like “surfboardt.” No, I’ve never tried it but it’s in a Beyoncé song!
The inmates need the ramen packets to cover up the vile taste of carcass chili. Since Piper owns all the packets, she’ll make them wear her perve panties for ramen packets.
Alex: You’re one clever asshole.
I’m so down for the Alex that isn’t into Piper’s utter bullshit.
I’d be more into this whole “panties for sale” bullshit if Flaca was the one running the panty scheme and not Piper. Flaca’s the one who grew up sewing. How did Piper get so good at making panties anyway?
Alex is just as bored as I am. Imagine running kilos of cocaine internationally and then being in jail with someone who thinks they’re Al Capone because they bought all of the ramen at the commissary.
Piper wants to know if Alex talked to the Gerber baby guard about smuggling panties out of Litchfield in his diapers. Alex hasn’t. She’s been much too busy working on her eyebrow game, spying on Tank Girl, and cognating her thetans. Piper’s not into it. Piper wants Alex to focus on cognating the damn ramen packs into panties that get smuggled out of the prison.
Don’t forget the part where you’re graining on that wood, gr-graining on that wood, or you’ll fuck it all up!
Alex believes that Tank Girl is the reason Leah Remini left the Church and for that reason, she must be destroyed. If Alex doesn’t combusticate Tank Girl into the atmospheres of Orion, then her own life will be in very real danger. V Real Danger, starring Fahri, Tom Cruise, and Alex
Piper is desperate for Alex to go back to being a drug rebel without a cause, not this babbling punk ass who’s worried about getting killed. Besides, Alex has it easy. She’s just gotta convince a dude to do a thing!
Piper: Men are even easier. With women you’ve got to build trust. Men just need the promise of sex and the promise of sex is free.
Alex: And what happens when they come to collect on that promise?
Piper: Worst case scenario you give the dude a handjob.
Oh, cool, aight, just a little handy dandy? Cool. Sign me up.
Flash to Fahri’s Haus of Flashing Lights and Lines of Coco. Alex is a clubhouse trap queen cutting lines of coke in the VIP section. The only way to mourn, imo. Fahri’s about to leave the party to pick up pizza and a drug mule. Alex is having so much fun and feeling herself so hard that she convinces Fahri to let the pizza and the drug runner find their own damn ride to the club. And Fahri listens to her! This is why you never get high off your own supply cuz it makes you lose your damn mind, make the wrong choices, and in the end it’s your ass. But at that moment, they all pop a Molly or ecstasy or something and it’s dance time. Alex has moves we’ve never seen.
“You’re right. The magics I used are very powerful. I’m very powerful. And maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to piss me off.”
It’s all fist pumps and awkward freak dancing, until Fahri looks at the 17 missed calls on his phone and finds out the pizza and the drugs got arrested.
Suzanne is curled up in the corner of her bunk writing her sci-fi erotic masterpiece and hiding from Jehovah’s Witnesses. Her genius must be released and no, she’s not looking for Jesus. She’ll take a pamphlet though. Now run along.
I do not, will not ever put ice cubes in my cereal.
Poussey pops up from the cement wall that divides their bunks and asks if she’s done with the next chapter in Erotic Tales of Sex Octopus and Scissor Shark — because this is the 3rd element in the “Poussey’s Lost Identity” storyline (Her hootch addiction, The Norma Cult, and now octopussy porn.)
Suzanne won’t rush the brilliance of her art for any damn body. And then out of nowhere, another fine ass unknown inmate appears and tells Suzanne that there wasn’t enough scissoring in her fan fiction. Is there ever enough? Poussey jumps in to offer her academic breakdown of the Rodcockers versus Gilly vulvas. I’d read the hell out of Suzanne’s frikitona sci-fi sex stories too, btw.
Now if Hollywood would just make a RomCom starring me and Ellen Page as two quirky gal pals who fall madly in love, the world would never be the same.
Keep going. I’m picturing Miley Cyrus and Michelle Rodriguez as your wild best friends who support your relationship and fall in love with each other in the end. Does that work?
Jewish Black Cindy jumps in to add that what the story really needs is more Piranha Denzel Washington. The three of them offer insight into what the next steps for Erotic Tales of Sex Octopus and Scissor Shark need to be. Frustrated, Suzanne summons her Patronus, Falcor the Luck Dragon, and soars off into the Neverending Story, Pt. 2.
Big Boo and Morello are playing chess. I want them to be doing this in Union Square park so bad. Maybe if we all shut our eyes and pretend, it’ll come true! Anyway, in a scene that I wish would have lasted much longer, Boo and Morello break down the philosophy of one of the world’s oldest games.
If I wanna use shrinky dinks to make sex toys, no one’s gonna talk me out of it.
Big Boo: Pawns are called pawns for a reason. They’re minesweepers, uneducated militants with suicide vests. You must protect your more important people.
Morello: All of my people are important people and I mourn them all equally. Just cuz you’re a horsey or you can move diagonally does not mean you are better than little nubby guy who moves one spot at a time.
Morello drops these life lessons on all of our beating hearts, y’all. I hope we’re all listening.
Piper drops in to share her Clever Asshole Grin with the world. Big Boo sniffs her out and asks what’s going on in the land of uncooked boxes of spaghetti.
And lo, the Angel of Ramen came upon them, the glory of the flavor packets showed round about them and they were so afraid and the angel said unto them, “Fear not! For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy that involve an illegal panty ring and shrimp, pork, and chicken flavor packets, for unto you was born this day in the prison of Litchfield a White Savior who is Piper, that’s me, Piper Kerman, the new Al Capone of Panties.”
Piper: I need your vadge sweat and maybe some, uh, colorless discharge. I’m starting a business selling stinky panties to perverts.
Jones: That’s the miraculous adventure?
Piper: It’s easy. I give you flavor packets and you give me something you’re already giving away for free.
Big Boo: And you get to keep the money
Piper: And you are supporting a local business.
I don’t know what intersectional feminism is but as long as we have white fragility on our side, we don’t need it.
And this is absolute bullshit. Piper is really good at co-opting the language of the people and using it to provide legitimacy to her unscrupulous pursuits but also to ease her conscience should it ever bubble up and cause her to question her morality.
Jones calls her business plan “disgusting,” but I think we all know,she’s also calling Piper disgusting. Not because selling panties is inherently bad at all but the slick oil salesman way Piper goes about it is disgusting.
Um, you’re embarrassing us. All of us. Our feminism is intersectional or it is bullshit. Now please sit down.
But of course, Piper doesn’t listen to herself when she speaks so she goes on for a minute about how she used to be grossed out by her own cootie scent. Again, she utilizes the language of the oppressed and points to the patriarchy and because she’s in the company of white women, this tool works. White women are oppressed by white men and it’s white men that have made white women hate their cootie scents. So her panty-selling business is actually FEMINISM Y’ALL.
Her one good point is that the same men who want to shame women’s bodies/scents are the same men who will buy used prison panties in bulk. There’s no lie there, Piper. Ningun.
WAIT I THINK I GET IT NOW. INTERSECTIONAL, LIKE THE WAY A SOFA HAS MANY PARTS BUT IT’S STILL ONE SOFA? IS THAT IT? DID I GET IT??
She ends her speech on a picnic table summoning the spirits of a thousand white suffragettes. In that moment the symbol of the patriarchy, C.O. Stone Cold Steve Austin, orders Piper to step down from the table and resume her position as the inferior sex.
All the prisoners are in there like swimwear and are ready for Operation Stanky Drawers.
We find Soso in Healy’s Office of Last Resorts. Papa Roach is playing and it’s all very early 2000s when emo tried to become scream rap. Soso still needs a friend. Healey still needs a hand job and I’m terrified of what’s gonna go down between them. We almost lost Red to this human sack of instant mashed potatoes. Soso goes on and on about how she can’t have friends because she talks too much. And then she says the thing that makes Healey fume, she says, “The only place I feel like I can really talk without getting jumped on is in Berdie’s drama class. Is it possible to change counselors?”
No, Heather Hogan, retweeted ME! Me. Ok, I’m her biggest fan and you can’t take that away.
Healey can’t handle the fact that a Black woman is making him obsolete because she’s that much better at her job. He won’t switch Soso to Berdie’s counsel. Instead he gives her the wisdom of men: Depression is all in your head. Go take a pill. No one likes a sad broad.
Daya Pregnany Update, Gestational Week 435: STILL PREGGZZ
I asked for the Girls are Not Chicks coloring book but Mom got me stupid My Little Pony instead. That’s for babies…and grown men? Stupid mom.
Yo, are those my chanclas? What’d I tell you about borrowing my damn chanclas without asking?
Aleida tells Daya that someone should rub her feet but ha, it ain’t gonna be her. She asks Daya if she’s thought some more about giving her baby to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Daya shrugs; she’s not sure if they can handle another baby. Aleida’s smacks Daya in the face and asks her if she’s that stupid. Of course they can. This would be their first Latino baby so you know it’d get spoiled.
Stupid Daya.
Aleida: You gotta realize this isn’t for you. It’s for her. A better life. Washers and dryers in the building. Math tutor. Shit involving horses.
Daya: If I really love her, money shouldn’t matter.
Aleida: Daya, stop being such a selfish bitch and commit to this. Now. Because if you’re still on the fence when this thing comes out of you, you’re gonna keep it. Do the right thing.
And with a few love slaps to Daya’s thigh, Aleida’s out that bitch and heading to Chang’s Commissary and Beauty Aids to pick up some new rolos for her doobie.
We find Caputo doing what he does best — actually what he does best is hate-bang Figeuroa — so it’s what he does second best and that’s try to improve the lives of the women at Litchfield. Caputo at his core actually gives so many mustached fucks.
When a woman nicknames you “Beer Can,” you sex that woman up whenever she wants it, however she wants it, and you worship the ground she walks on forever. And when she doesn’t want it, you make her a damn sandwich.
He’s trying to get their books back, like the good ones, the law books that will help them get out of jail, and he’s trying to get them college courses. He’s put in for all these programs and all he’s getting is budget cuts. And smarmy annoying Corporate Shmuck, Jr. doesn’t have much to offer Caputo besides constipated looks and weasely shrugs.
On the road again with Pensatucky and bug-eyed drifter C.O. Coates, we find ourselves in that weird place on this show where it’s hard to tell if people are flirting or abusing their power or reminding those in power that they’re dangerous criminals. So like it’s hella uncomfortable and this might be a good time to soak your feet in some Epsom salts and smoke an American Spirit.
In a perfect world, I’d get to drive around with Leanne and Ang, drinking Miller High Life while singing along to Miranda Lambert and ripping Confederate flags off of people’s pick up trucks.
Piper and Stella are sewing partners in the workroom. But they’re also trying to lowkey smash, you know? So, Stella goes the direct route and asks if Alex is Piper’s main chick or if there’s wiggle room for a quickie in the janitor’s closet. Piper admits that Alex is her girlfriend but doesn’t make eye contact which is code for “my gf doesn’t have to know that we finger bang tho.” Wink wink.
Hell yeah, I’d go down on myself if I could. Wouldn’t you?
Whoa, hey, hold up there. I’m not always clear after I wipe, so I’d have to shower first and maybe then. Maybe.
Not only is Stella gorgeous but she’s also so goddamn smart that she figures out Piper’s super secret plan to seduce Gerber Baby into smuggling out the panties. She’s got her looks, her pretty face, but she never underestimates the importance of BODY LANGUAGE. HA!
Officer Gerber Baby has the sexual charisma of Michael Cera in every movie role he’s ever played and I know there’s an appeal to that, the awkward baby-faced cutie pie who gets nervous around real life girls but is still really nice; I get that niche or whatever.
But Piper flirting with him is like watching a used up Real Housewife flirt with their teen daughter’s boyfriend. Are any of us here for that? Nope.
If she asks me one more time to teach her how to twerk, I swear to God.
Alex is pulling weeds in the garden, again looking mighty fine. Tank Girl offers her a bouquet of poison ivy as a symbol of love and friendship. Alex declines and wonders if it’s really a symbol of imminent death.
I don’t know who’s doing it. But I’m gonna find the people trying to take away Drake’s wave and I’m going to crush them.
Flashback! Alex and Fahri are in a hotel room. He’s freaking out because the pizza and drugs are still in jail. He’s also freaking out because he left the top level drug boss exposed and he’s probably gonna die. Newsflash: He dies! Gets shot right in the head in front of Alex by his own henchbro.
In a past life, I was a white lab rat.
Coates and Tucky talk donuts in another attempt at a cute/light-hearted scene that does nothing but build an impending sense of doom. Eat your donuts, Tucky, and get TF back to Litchfield.
Coates: A donut that’s selling donuts is basically a slave trader.
Take a shot if you literally smacked your forehead at any point during this asinine conversation. And remember that we could be watching Poussey and Taystee do something or Black Cindy reading a smuggled in copy of the Torah or Yoga Jones doing yoga, but no, we’re watching Tucky suffer this fool. They end up at a lake feeding donuts to the ducks.
Steve Buscemi is my style icon. I’ll get there one day. One glorious day.
Over at the League of Unfairly Wealthy Sociopathic Shareholders, we meet Linda. She’s a woman with a brain who isn’t ugly. The men let her speak. She wiggles into the old boys club by offering money-saving solutions instead of radical ideas. She’s the perfect woman. Speaks when spoken to and only says things they want to here. Well done, Linda! Now, show the boys in legal how well you can make a sandwich.
Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.
Corporate Weasel Jr. uses his time at this meeting to bring up Caputo’s requests: books, college courses, job-training, etc. But not one person gives a shit about the women at Litchfield; this is what corporations do to prisons, schools, farms. They suck the humanity out of them and turn them into dividends and profit margins. Dude actually tries to push forward initiatives that would help the prisoners and elevate their quality of life but he’s shut down fast. He’s also reprimanded by Daddy Corporate Weasel.
Be a good boy. Make Daddy and his friends more money and I’ll continue paying for your Prius and Brooklyn brownstone.
Daya and Delia Powell, Pornstache’s mom, meet up for another round of Hot Potato Baby Edition. God, Delia Powell is the foxy, rich MILF I’ve been searching for my entire life. Jeezus. Daya’s still down to give her the baby. She asks that Delia write to her and let her know the baby is doing okay. Daya’s also convinced the baby is going to be a girl.
Not exactly sure what a Trap Queen is but it sounds magnificent. Sign me up.
I’m not even going to try and explain this one.
Pornstache’s mom is relieved that Daya’s only asking for letters. She thought Daya was going to up the baby service fee that Aleida put into place. Daya is shocked. She had no idea that mom dukes was extorting Pornstache’s mom. In this moment, Daya stays true to her character and tells Pornstache’s mom that Pornstache is NOT THE FATHER.
Daya was down to lie to give her baby a better life but she’s not down to be involved in the same lie with money exchanging hands.
Delia Powell thanks Daya for her honesty and gets the eff out of Litchfield. Her good white lady armor has been shook to its core and she needs a spa treatment and a martini ASAP. God, I love her tho.
Sophia and Gloria squash their beef in line for the payphone. Sophia apologizes for thinking Benny’s a scumbag. Both of them wish they could be home parenting their kids in person, not from prison.
I waited with my table on 164th & Broadway and you never showed up. You and me, the Dominoes Brujas of Washington Heights and you didn’t show up. You’re dead to me.
Suzanne hands off her latest spot of brilliance to Poussey. Gilly and Rodcocker have an orgy with the cast of Sense8. Poussey just about loses her shit. She even gives up her place in the phone line to read Suzanne’s newest chapters.
Tired of serving sewage chowder and meat slop soup to her fellow inmates, Red barges into Healey’s office and quits. She can’t quit though, not officially.
I’m made of 100% blood sausage.
Healey can’t help her because despite all his rage he is still just a rat in a cage. Red leaves her chef’s coat in his office. Healey takes this as an opportunity to sniff it and inhale her essence. He’s one step away from buying all the dirty prison panties, I swear to God.
Berdie catches him at peak sketchiness.
Berdie: What are you doing?
Healey: Oh, sometimes the inmates sneak cigarettes so I gotta smell their clothes.
No one told me it was reenact Madonna’s Human Nature Video Day.
Berdie let’s his absolute filthy bullshit slide. She turns the conversation to Soso, and Healey’s ineptitude. Berdie thinks that throwing meds at Soso isn’t going to help anything. Healey argues that he handled the problem with truth, justice, and the American way. Obvs that doesn’t fly with Berdie.
Berdie: When someone’s feeling vulnerable, they need their pain acknowledged, not be made to feel worse for having it.
Can the congregation of individuals like myself dealing with mental health and emotional well being issues say Hallelu? Gracias a Dios? Round of applause for Berdie.
Hell hath no fury like a white man scorned, tho. Let’s be real. Healey can barely contain his smug rage over Berdie calling his actions into question.
Healey: Well, look, no offense to you but she’s my counselee and I don’t need to take advice from someone like you.
Aka someone who is Black and a woman and more qualified in every way to run the world.
Berdie handles all of his patriarchal hot air with a grace and a dignity that Healey doesn’t deserve. She maintains her position as someone with a Masters in Psychology that Soso shouldn’t be on meds. Healey gives up, salutes her like an asshole, and hands over Soso’s files.
I’m not a businessman. I’m a business, man.
I could watch Berdie do this all day. Can someone let her into the board room of the League of Unfairly Wealthy Sociopathic Shareholders?
Taystee catches Poussey in the stairwell reading A Series of Unfortunate Rodcocking. But alas, Poussey’s been dipping into her stash of hootch and our poor, sweet, beautiful lamb is all sorts of drunk and sad.
Met a girl, thought she was grand
fell in love, found out first hand
went well for a week or two
then it all came unglued
In a trap, trip I can’t grip
never thought I’d be the one who’d slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie
She fucking hates me
trust
she fucking hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away
Can anybody find her somebody to love? Taystee tells her that she needs help. She needs to go to AA.
Poussey: I don’t need to talk about how I need a drink. I need a reason not to drink. Is AA gonna make me feel useful? Tell me I have a future? Give me somebody to spend that future with?
Taystee: You got me for whatever future we got. You got me.
Poussey: That’s not enough. I’m lonely. I’m always gonna be lonely.
Oh Poussey, you’re breaking our hearts. You deserve the love of a million fangirls. And Taystee deserves a medal for being this season’s caretaker of sad souls and misunderstood literary geniuses.
Flash to Corporate Weasel Jr dumping on Caputo for leaving work early.
Cue Caputo and the Whiskers jamming out in their garage singing songs about destroying The Man.
Taystee passes the Cult of Norma as they silently reflect on Taylor Swift and her girl posse. They send to her and her posse strength, compassion, and incredible bangs that never fray or split at the ends. In the middle of it all is Poussey who got lost on her way to AA but heard the opening snare pop of Blank Space and knew she’d found home.
The trick to a proper game of Duck, Duck, Goose is knowing who’s already drunk.
Disappointed, Taystee sends bad energy into the group. It ripples through La Santa Blanca. Everyone feels it. The door is shut on Taystee’s face.
Over a game of Old Maid, Piper tells Alex that Gerber Baby is down to be the panty mule. Alex still thinks Tank Girl is out to kill her.
What do you mean you don’t think The Big Bang Theory is the funniest show on television?
Tank Girl admits to staring at Alex but only because Alex is staring at her. The first one to laugh loses the game of life. Piper tells Alex her paranoia is all in her head because Piper is actually Healey’s first born daughter.
Flashback! Alex has made it to the fire level and must defeat King Koopa. Instead of a battle, he offers to send her to rehab because he’s a criminal mastermind with a heart of gold and a soft spot for troubled white girls.
When little kids aks me if I’m The Rock, I say yes, not cuz I’m a liar but because The Rock wouldn’t ever do that. The Rock’s number one rule is never break the heart of a child.
Masturbation alley is filled with moans and sighs of Christ’s love as Suzanne’s latest erotica hits the dormitories.
Yo, a little privacy? I’m getting all up in my Diagon Alley, feel me?
Tank Girl hasn’t read A Series of Unfortunate Rodcocking but it’s all good. She’s got other thing on her mind.
Tank Girl is rodclocking Alex’s every move.
Rod Clocking!
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I didn’t even read the recap yet I just wanted to say Gabby you are amazing.
Great recap, hilarious as always.
I may or may not have taken notes on Alex’s outfit at the funeral, her outfit was entirely too on point.
also corn roads? I can’t do it. Someone hold me.
i will hold you. did you click the link tho? that corn roads pic is unfortunately hilarious.
I just want to stroke Maureen’s hair and rest her head on my shoulder and tell her it’s going to be OK. Which I guess means that Emily Althaus is doing an excellent acting job.
i was like who? so i googled and yess! i love her and she’s the cutest. i hope her and suzanne fall in lurvveee.
I am so glad you knew her name I had just been calling her Suzanne’s cute white gal pal. Maureen is much quicker to type.
This episode was my least favourite of the season, with Piper’s picnic-table sermon taking the prize as the most cringeworthy, over-the-top, cheezeball, annoying-as-fuck scene in the entire series. Like really? Ugh.
On a completely unrelated note, “Healey can’t help her because despite all his rage he is still just a rat in a cage” is the smoothest pop reference ever inserted into a paragraph. Because it’s so true! But it’s also a lyric! But it’s true!
thank you!
and i agree with you, re-watching that scene with Piper and her perve panty grandstanding made me feel so tired. like what is this? who wrote this? why is it happening?
if this had been an episode of Wentworth, Bea would have nodded at Boo and Boo would have smacked Piper across the face with her chess board and her and Morello would have gone back to playing chess.
yes yes. that scene was THE worst. utterly painful.
I agree the picnic table scene with Piper was awful but overall this was one of my favorite episodes of the season. Season 1 spoiled me with so much Alex and then after hardly any of her last year it was great to finally see a whole lot of her in this episode plus get individual flashbacks for the first time in two years. As you can tell I agree with Gabrielle that Alex Vause is literal perfection so I might be a bit biased haha
Jewish Black Cindy bwahahahahaha! Can she live yall?! Can black folks have ONE happy thang without white folks scheming to take it away??? Lol
Black Cindy becoming Jewish Black Cindy was my favorite story line of the season lmao
same. 10000000 times over again.
jewish black cindy has always been the best damn character on this show and i’m overjoyed to have her among my people. shit, she’s more dedicated to judaism than my shiksa sister-in-law.
ditto being overjoyed to have jewish black cindy among my people!! <3
Yeah…because taking the kosher meals in the first place had nothing to do with cultural appropriation, right?
Just sayin’.
is it? i don’t think they’re asking for kosher meals because they suddenly thought this one aspect of jewish life sounded cool. they’re asking because the food is better; i know a lot of non-jews who ask for kosher meals on planes because the quality is generally superior to regular airplane food. i have no idea; i don’t think i’ve gotten a meal on a plane since the early 90s. the show didn’t mention whether or not there were jewish inmates unable to receive kosher meals because they’d all been spoken for (that might be an actual issue), but if all this fictional prison requires to dole them out is a request on the lunch line, they have to be ready for those meals to be requested.
i just looked this up and apparently as of 1984, if inmates want to request a special diet, they have to submit an application to the prison chaplain, but whatever, this is hardly the most unrealistic thing to happen on this show.
i have no idea how those microwaved tv dinners they called kosher meals happened to have crunchy vegetables in them, but if they do, damn, black cindy and taystee et al can have a table at my bat mitzvah any day.
Yeah, I didn’t feel like it was appropriation either but especially because of the outcome for Black Cindy. Maybe it started with crunchy vegetable frozen dinners, but Cindy discovered something genuine she wanted to dedicate herself to along the way and I thought that was awesome. I mean, that was the realest explanation of Judaism I’ve ever heard on a TV show (her answer to the rabbi on why she wanted to convert). Also previously the only Jewish characters on the show were Larry and Larry’s family and I was NOT happy with that representation so… I am so here for this
Can we talk about the ATROCIOUS Holocaust joke in this episode? I completely loved Black Cindy’s conversion storyline. Honestly, it’s one of the best portrayals of Judaism on TV, as far as I’m concerned. But did we have to balance that with a Holocaust joke so subtle that a lot of people probably missed it? (If you missed it and want to know: in the board meeting, Linda makes a joke about getting soap from the Jews — the Nazis made soap out of the human fat from their concentration camps.)
YES, that was a despicable line from a scene with a despicable group of people. At least the character got fired for it, though.
But like, why? What was that showing us about anything? That character did literally no other things. Were we supposed to be learning that the corporation is… not that evil? because they fire people who make horrible jokes? It was pointless and, in my opinion, incredibly upsetting.
No, I agree that it was completely gratuitous and unnecessary to the plot of the show.
Yo, to be totally honest, I didn’t understand her joke but I knew it was a Holocaust joke.
Googling the joke has made me absolutely sick. I missed a huge opportunity to call out that cruel attempt at a cheap anti-semitic joke. There was no need for it whatsoever.
It was really subtle. Like, it was clear it was anti-Semitic from context, but you really have to know some things to get how truly awful the joke was.
Oh shit! I knew that comment meant something deeper, but didn’t know (or remember) that about the Holocaust. Damn.
i got the joke and i mean, is there such a thing as a non-fucked-up holocaust joke? i took it as linda being frustrated by how gross the corporate fat cats are being about prisoners’ lives.
I saw it more as her being opportunistic and showing off how “cool” of a woman she could be with the boys.
“These Kosher meals are really expensive.”
“OH WAIT I KNOW A GOOD ANTI-SEMITIC RESPONSE TO SHOW OFF HOW COOL AND FUN I CAN BE. HA HA, WE ALL AGREE THAT RACISM IS FUNNY, RIGHT? RIGHT GUYS? GUYS?”
That’s exactly what it was… she was trying to be “one of the guys” and failed miserably.
That’s also the kind of thing you can write if your showrunner is Jewish. A Gentile showrunner would be well advised to stay far away from that.
I didn’t think the joke was subtle at all, I’m surprised that so many people missed it. Maybe it’s because I’m European.
Okay okay, bullet points:
-“a network television beauty pageant that pits Evangelical Christian mermaids against renegade Wiccan Werewolves to decide once and for all who’s worthy of the last Strawberry-Rita.” IF ONLY. It would’ve improved the season by A LOT
-CORN ROADS I AM DONE DONE DONE! White people trying to be black is the most hilarious/sad thing ever
-I’ve never liked Piper, but this was the episode where i started to HATE Piper
-Alex really did look like a drowned rat in that flashback. Like I literally cringed at the featured image.
-Puddle of Mudd oh wow I feel 18?
-Poussey Poussey Pousseyyyyyy I feel for her so strongly and I just want to squeeze her cute little face and say it’s gonna be okay, but like IS IT? She’s in prison. I think that’s why this show gets me so hard, because like even when the characters are “okay”, they’re still in prison. And so it’s like, no one ever gets a happy ending here.
-I just generally love your captions Gabby, they are great, this recap was great, thanks a million
thanks for the high praise, alaina. thanks for all of the bullet points. makes my heart all fluttery.
poussey, poussey what are we gonna do about poussey? they need to pick a lane for her. if she’s going to have a drinking problem, let’s go deep into that. if she’s going to have a religious awakening, let’s give her something sublime to work with. but half-assing all her pseudo-storylines isn’t doing it for me. it’s not development. it feels cheap.
Yeah, I totally feel this. Poussey is a babe and an awesome character, but they’re just going too wishy washy on her.
So even though Laura Prepon is amazingly sexy I’ve never been a huge fan of Alex as a character. Still watching her literally fear for her life while Piper tries to live out some kind of Breaking Bad fantasy is making me sympathize with Alex a tad more. They’ve both done more than their fair share of gross and self serving things but this season Piper was a lot more grating than usual.
Also can I just say I love the music choices this show makes? “Getting to know you” will never be the same for me.
After watching this episode, I officially gave up being a Piper defender. She is THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORST.
Just want to add that I had a really really great dream about Poussey/Samira Wiley last night and even though I’m sad it’s over I’m still kind of floating on the memory, you know?
float on, charlotte, float on!
where can i buy me a copy of that hip new single “YOU’RE THE FUCKIN’ WARDEN!!!”
also did piper’s speech remind anyone else of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZLCdxnZtCs
how is this not available to stream on netflix??
i torrent 4 u.
The disturbing scene between Coates and Doggett made me so sad. I know a consensual relationship is impossible between them but I was happy she had someone to have a bit of fun with. Also, Poussey breaks my heart!!
I hate Healey more than anything omg. He is just the worst. I hated that actor’s character on Weeds, too, and I think that makes me hate this dbag even more.
LOVE Berdie, though. Thank goodness for her presence
Oh man, the intersectional sofa was my favorite bit! Literally laughed out loud. I’m actually kinda glad Piper is going down this rabbit hole, although it’s not like we need another despicable, entitled character on this show. She surprised herself when she beat the shit outta Pensatucky and now she’s inhabiting that space more and more. She doesn’t realize how much she gets off on being cutthroat quite yet, but I feel like the illusion of piety she’s been maintaining is close to the breaking point.
I really wish Poussey’s storyline wasn’t just about her spinning her wheels. I would have loved to see her and Suzanne really work things out because, not only do they both deserve resolution, but I think Poussey would really enjoy being one of the few people who can puzzle out how Sue’s mind works.
I’m actually really pissed about Pensatucky this season. Not her character, but the whole thing with CO Coates. I’m really done with that kind of shit being on my TV. If the writers wanted to go to that well, I think that exploring the !entirely ignored! inherently non-consensual nature of Daya and Bennet’s relationship would have been so much more satisfying. Berdie could have been involved, we could cry buckets and Daya maybe would have had a chance at having some fucking agency.
I agree. Tucky’s episode was my least favourite because it seemed like they had to go to such…drastic measures to paint her in a sympathetic light. And I vehemently agree that the idea of non-consensual relationships on OITNB is terribly dealt with.
I agree I always found it weird how in season 1 the show romanticized Daya and Bennett and in season 2 they touched on it a little bit and it was just dropped. I would’ve done more with the power dynamic between them.
So much YES to this. They just skimmed right over this as if it was twu wuv, so who cares about consent/power dynamics issues.
“human sack of instant mashed potatoes”. LOL. Accurate.
I love these recaps!
I thought and think the power dynamic played out between Pennsatucky and CO Coates has been written very honestly, and makes me incredibly uncomfortable for Pennsatucky when she is with him, as she is “serving an corrupt master honourably”, and treating him with consideration, honesty, kindness and interest, all of which are revealed to her later in twisted reciprocation as abuse, violence, contempt and desire to hurt her and punish her.
It is excruciating watching Pennsatucky’s genuine attempts to connect and reach out, and give respect to CO Coates and see the sadism and fucked up world that this guy starts to manipulate her into. It is one of the clearest depictions of pimp and pimped, and it is all the more painful seeing the depth and simplicity with which Pennsatucky just wants to connect with another human. Real sad. When they first get to talking on the way to the doughnut shop there is a dialogue wherein Pennsatucky is framed by CO Coates as an unknown quantity, in that, she could be dangerous, and why the hell should he trust this felon? But unfortunately Pennsatucky is too generous to this Sadist and she offers him protection of sorts, which backfires on her later. I did not know what was going to happen to Pennsatucky whenever she was with this guy, but all sorts of violence started to be implicated. I am actually surprised she wasn’t killed. And, same goes for him at Pennsatucky and Boo’s hands. Mixed feelings.
“We almost lost Red to this human sack of instant mashed potatoes.”
This is both hilarious and an insult to instant mashed potatoes everywhere.
“She asks Daya if she’s thought some more about giving her baby to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Daya shrugs; she’s not sure if they can handle another baby. Aleida’s smacks Daya in the face and asks her if she’s that stupid. Of course they can. This would be their first Latino baby so you know it’d get spoiled.
Stupid Daya.”
I CAN’T EVEN. This is just too good. Also all the Scientology stuffs.
Was this the episode where Red kept popping up into all scenes to apologise for the food? I really enjoyed that.
omg so glad you liked the scientology jokes. haha. i wasn’t sure if they fell flat or not.
Those were golden, especially in light of that recent interview that Prepon gave to a Scientology magazine.
I find myself increasingly interested in Doggett. I think it’s been really interesting to watch her development as a character and she’s certainly grown on me as a character. I therefore really wanted to punch Coates in the face because that guy is awful.
Also, I really hope we see more of Berdie in the future because she was a great addition to the show. I loved watching her press all of Healy’s racist/misogynist/generally-being-an-arse buttons by being so much more competent (and a better person) than him.
“Rod clocking”
Sometimes I feel like a lot of this show is just written so to make edgy quotes or funny gifs or something, but not for character development or a real plot line. Case in point: that ridicoulous speech Piper gave about panties. It sounded like something the writer would hope gets quoted on the internet as something hilarious and empowering or something, but I just cringed.
Also all the smart feminist statements the characters drop, while true, are incredibly hard to take seriously if it doesn’t seem to fit the character.
I do care about the show though and I love the recaps!
insightful and hilarious as always! Especially loved the Scientology jokes & the Rent and Puddle of Mudd references (s/o to middle school me). (Also, fuck capitalism, both Piper’s and the Company’s.)
Gabby, this was perfection.
Initially thought Corporate Weasel Jr. did a shit job arguing for books, education, etc. Educating women should help women to have some opportunities when they get out of prison and therefore reduce recidivism (which should save the government money in the long run). Then I remembered that if there were less prisoners then the prison company probably wouldn’t get as much money from the government. Kinda wish they had brought up that point a bit more explicitly.
The solution to the ridiculous debate about donuts selling other doughnuts or being cannibals for eating other doughnuts is clearly to have one doughnut eating the other doughnut out.
“…one of the best ways to weed people out of your life is to take attendance at a funeral.”
I read this sentence, stopped and reread it out loud.
Yes. It makes me want to cry, but yes.
I was 14 when my mom died and my dad (ex-husband) refused to go to her funeral. How fucked up is that? By then he’d remarried and SHE was there for me during that awful time, but Dad stayed home on principle.
Note to people: You go to funerals because you support the mourners. How you feel about the deceased should be secondary.
I love my dad, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for that.
I really feel you here. After my dad died, I had a friend who had actually lived with us, who I thought really cared about him, who didn’t even send a note. To me, that was the last straw for our friendship.
Death is hard as fuck. I have had fights with loved ones that lasted months because our grief didn’t match up and we just kept triggering each other no matter how hard we tried to make it work. But even that was better than no contact. We always ended up ok because we knew the other person was hurting, and we knew they had tried. It’s the complete absence that I can’t forgive. It’s better to try but make a hash of it than not even be there.
i had this one friend that i loved so much but when her dad died i disappeared. i thought it’d be better to leave her alone and i didn’t know what to say any way. when i finally called her months later, maybe even a year later, she didn’t have time for me. rightfully so. and she ended our convo with “you could have at least called me. i needed you. friends call each other when their parents die” and then she hung up. we never mended our friendship. and she was right to cut me off, i proved that i wasn’t reliable and that i was totally selfish. i’ve never forgotten that and now it’s something that i’ve used to protect my heart during times of grief.
i can’t imagine having that type of barrier between myself and a parent tho. so sorry you’re going through that. much love.
Soso is me every time HH favorites/retweets something of mine. I feel so accomplished. Plus also it instantly gets another 20 favorites/retweets, so that’s always fun.
OK, but for real… where’s that cemetery?
I think that the reason why Sophia doesn’t like Benny is because she blames him for her son acting out. Also I agree why isn’t Flaca head of the panty enterprise? It’d be interesting to see this lighthearted character become more ruthless and dark. I mean her mother is a seamstress and it makes more sense. It’s not like Piper needs the extra money anyways if worst comes to worst she could stay with her family or Cal for a while when she gets out or even Larry.
I think part of it is he wasn’t acting out (that she knew of) until he met Benny. Also part of it might be a class difference thing.
you…dont know why someone wouldn’t like Benny? Is there more than one Benny?
Because the Benny I remember cracked a doorway by slamming a door to intimidate his aunt (or whoever the lady taking care of Gloria’s kids is). He straight up refuses to look at them during one of their visits and thinks it’s hilarious that they’re intimidated by him. That Benny? Who was also being a shit when Gloria was trying to tutor him?
Gloria’s other kid seemed cool though.
Chiming in with Gabby love for this recap. Hallelu!
Thanks Gabrielle for by far my favorite recap of season 3 on this site! Yes Alex Vause is perfection and I was so excited to finally see her flashbacks of what happened after her Mom died/Piper left. It’s no wonder she thinks Kubra sent someone after her in there and rightfully so based on her experience of seeing what he can do to people who betray him or let him down. I literally yelped when I saw that Lolly was keeping track of her every move! And on a completely shallow note…if I wasn’t already gay Laura Prepon’s dance moves while rubbing her hands all over her body definitely would have made me switch teams :D