I mean, yeah, Red, that eggplant joke is kind of funny but it’s also kind of careless to be using that term as a substitute for stupid.

In another Red and Vee flashback, Vee tells Red that she’s the head of the black women now, and Red trusts her for some reason, showing her that the vendor helps her sneak stuff in. Uh oh. This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Not excited about being tagged in this selfie

At their grandmother’s funeral, Piper and Cal are giving speeches, which is a strange thing, maybe? Is that something you do besides a eulogy? Or is this the eulogy? Either way, Cal makes things unbelievably awkward by telling everyone he’s so glad they’re here and that he and Neri are getting married RIGHT. NOW. Piper and Cal’s mom is soooo pissed. Neri and Cal’s relationship is so weird and getting married at a funeral is so bizarre that it’s hard to tell how to feel. Is this adorable and kind of a deserved fuck-you to this incredibly uptight family? Or is it just super inappropriate and sort of horrifying? Also, how many layers is Cal wearing?

Here’s to bribing you to be my friends with food!

Red has everyone over for dinner, which the Golden Girls helped her cook and prepare – they all show up! yay! – and she apologizes, telling them that she just wants her family back. Everyone is gorging themselves on Red’s food and I’m so hungry. Big Boo doesn’t seem all that into the dinner or the bonding because she’s playing Judas in this Last Supper reenactment, but she is noticing some strange things going on with the floor. She’s sort of like a dykey Columbo.

Safe breath play is really important — you want to be well below the windpipe, to create a feeling of pressure without actually cutting off the air. See? Like this.

Bennett loses his shit when he finds a cigarette on the floor because he’s upset about Pornstache being considered tougher than he is. Poor Bennett, his masculinity was called into question. Call the official Litchfield Wambulance. He demands to know what’s going on and immediately searches the bunks, ripping everything apart. Bennett gets so maniacal that Pornstache has to restrain him and get him out of there. You know it’s bad when Pornstache makes the right decision?

There’s no real need for this to be in here but I wanted to include it. You’re welcome.

Pornstache finds the the tampons filled with cigarettes… Uh oh! But he doesn’t realize what they are and he gives them back to Taystee, apologizing for the fuss.

Is that caterer rocking a queer ALH or have straight girls discovered undercuts since I’ve been in prison?

Piper watches Cal and Neri having their first dance, and it feels bittersweet after what happened with Larry. It also feels fucking weird because uh, guys, this is a funeral? Or was a funeral, I guess? Family friends talk to her about how she used to be an overachiever and assume that she can’t wait for her to “return to her old self.” She cuts them off at the knees, saying, “I’m not, actually.” Guess Piper realizes prison has changed her, and in many ways, for the better.

OH NO

Piper hoofs it on over to Queens to visit Red’s shop, but finds the place boarded up, a For Lease sign above it. Ouch. How’s she going to gently tell Red about this? Probably she won’t because Piper’s whole thing is that she doesn’t handle difficult conversations very well. Or, like, most things.

OH YES

She gets a 40 and a burger and eats her feelings, as one does.

*Dream Weaver plays*

I feel that feel. I also feel that organizing Piper’s glorious furlough to be a huge disappointment is done so realistically and amazingly in this episode. It’s just the right amount of disappointment, hitting the right notes. She’s not who she was, and she’s learning that and trying to show other people that, as well.

TWO TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW, BABY

The next morning, Big Boo gives up Red’s secret to Vee in the bathroom, negotiating a 10% cut of all the monies. Yeah, right, like that’s EVER going to happen! Boo is becoming rapidly less and less likable.

This scene was the worst, I don’t even have anything witty to add, it was just awful.

In a flashback, Vee and her new group of lackeys invading the kitchen to take over Red’s business. Vee demands 100% of the income, and Red isn’t having it. Because Red’s pretty much defenseless except for Norma’s company, Vee’s group starts to beat Red when she refuses to give in. We definitely see why the two of them hate each other, and of course, why Red needs friends more than ever.

Oh now this is just getting ridiculous.

Poussey finds Taystee giving drugs as presents to Nicky, who is just as horrified to receive it. Et tu, Taystee?

Bennett, do you see my tiny plant? Do you see how tiny it is?! It is so tiny!

We end with Bennett getting in trouble for his behavior with the searches. He looks so out of it. He tells Caputo that Daya is pregnant and Caputo looks chuffed as chips. AS CHIPS! IT’S WEIRD AND I AM UNCOMFORTABLE.

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