At rehearsals, Morello is not so subtly giving away Boo’s Christmas present. Boo thinks Nicky needs to start sleeping with Morello again as it would cure her being irritating. Nicky says she knows how to actually burn bridges, unlike Alex. Not returning to a bad relationship just for the sake of sex and human comforts? What a novel idea!
hint: YOU ARE
Larry and Alex finally meet. It’s… awkward. He goes into the conversation from the accusatory angle, acting like Alex is the one who’s been manipulating and using Piper. Alex says it’s not exactly a one way street. If anything, it’s a double-ended dildo. Also Piper’s all his now because the Alex train has left the station, and even though Piper’s attractive and sexable, Alex says that Larry is going to have his hands full with Piper’s bullshit. Yeeeeaaaaaaahhh, we knew that.
Doggett shows up in the showers with a razor and a posse. Just when you think shit is going to take a turn for the Hitchcock, she cuts her own hand and then rubs the blood on a showering Piper. I… what? Okay. That’s disturbing. Not where we thought that was going, but okay.
a dramatic recreation of my face during this scene
You know who else can’t sleep? Red can’t sleep. Red’s got to get her groove back. Her groove, it seems, is control. Red sabotages the kitchen on her own, because if there’s one thing she doesn’t like, it’s not having control. And if she can’t have it, no one can have it. These days, regaining control includes pouring grease into the ovens. This certainly won’t end badly for all parties involved!
So of course the next morning in the kitchens, shit hits the fan. Actually, flaming shit hits the flaming fan, because the breakfast menu today includes destructive grease fires. Murphy’s set on fire, and Daya is saved from not actual harm by Bennett. Way to go Bennett, saving Murphy! Just kidding, you did not. You went for the ol’ my own fetus save.
okay who has a yeast infection
Piper’s trying to catch up on sleep. Boo gives her the screwdriver as her Secret Santa present. It has at least three uses that have been demonstrated on the show, Piper. Use it well. And clean it first. Boil it, maybe. Yeah, definitely boil it.
Red’s lost her support in Murphy and Norma, since they know she set the fire and it literally set Murphy on fire. Red’s a mess. I love you, Red, but you’re striking out here.
Nicky made a vision board for Morello for Secret Santa. This seems like a giant cop-out, but okay. Alex is making Nicky some really shitty earrings. Somehow this leads to sex.
Yes, you read that last sentence right. Alex and Nicky start having sex. Holy lesbian spit chain, Batman. They are having sex. I mean, okay. I get it. You probably get it, too. We’ve all been there, friends. We’ve all tangled up the spit chain because we’ve been bored, or sad, or horny, or we’re having trouble figuring out if we’re getting friend signals or sexy signals or admiration signals. Do you wanna do her or do you wanna be her or do you wanna just kind of mutually admire each other and only drunkenly make out? Sometimes you just want to disappear into someone else for a bit because everything else sucks. Sometimes you don’t know what you want with someone, but sex might help figure it out. Sometimes you’ve got to blur the lines.
Not that way, though. Please, lesbian Jesus, not that way.
Piper’s on the phone with Larry, and she tells him she finally got the marriage form approved. Also, she might be the victim of a murder in the future. Larry thinks this is Piper finding drama for the sake of drama, and that after his talk with Alex, he’s decided to let Piper go. What does Piper do?
Dagnabbit, she runs back to Alex. Please, I beg you. Just let me put away this fucking vuvuzela, Pipes. Stop with this nonsense. Alex has just finished the afternoon delight with Nicky, and for once, she has no time for Piper. She’s sticking firm to her promise that she is not going to be Piper’s escape route anymore.
get out before i keep quoting jojo lyrics at you
What time is it? It’s time for the Christmas pageant. A lot of important plotlines need to be tied up or moved forward, and since this is the second to last scene of the show, dagnabbit we are doing it now.
- Caputo creeping on Fischer: TIED UP. Fischer has a hot boyfriend and Caputo can keep his dumb flowers.
- Healy being obsessed with evil lesbians: TIED UP. Assistant to the Warden calls him out on it and tells him he has to stop or she’ll can him. Maybe she’ll make him watch The L Word.
- Norma’s silence: TIED UP. When Sue can’t sing, Norma’s the one who takes over and damn, what?
- Piper and Doggett: MOVING FORWARD ON A ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL. Piper loses it. The screwdriver, I mean, and her screws. She cracks. She beats the everloving shit out of Doggett.
holy quinoa salad this ain’t whole foods anymore turn off your npr because bitch has cracked
And that’s it, folks. The season ends on this moment, complete with Christmas music and, let me repeat, Piper beating the everloving shit out of Doggett.
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The only thing I could think as Piper was beating the shit out of Doggett was “holy crap, she’s giving her a new set of teeth as a Secret Santa gift!”
yeah she is for sure getting new teeth next season
I’m pretty sure that bitch is dead
Hahahaha but the actress that plays her is signed on to be a regular for S2…
Ghost Doggett?
I’m pretty sure everything that happened throughout the whole episode was erased from my brain by the jaw-drop and wincing that took place during the “Beating the Holy Hell outta Doggett” scene at the end. Jeebus!
When is next season starting up again??
Also, WTF about Alex not returning next season except to tie up loose ends??? That’s definitely what is most relevant to my interests.
I was conflicted between yay Piper beat the shit out of her and OMG Piper you are a dumbass look at all this extra time you now got yourself. And then I said WHOOHOOOOO extra jail time full of lesbian sexytimes with Alex. But wait…..Alex isn’t on the show anymore.
Word. I have a theory… that Alex will be kinda MIA season 2 and then return at the end of it and all teh gays will be blinded by the light
I waited all season for tall, blonde, short haired inmate to have a speaking role and instead she just haunted the periphery in every episode. I’m so disappointed. Fingers crossed for next season.
This gal:
so…I’m not the only one who pause-rewind-pause to gaze and sigh at her loveliness?
You are definitely not the only one
Look at that Jenny schechter look a like looking all mysterious and shit in that photo.
SHE’S BACK! Hide!
I’m done, lol!
Actually did a rewind to see if it was SCHECHTER!!! “Jesus was that Jenny?!”
Maybe she went to jail for killing herself?
She looks like Matt Dillon
you could look at pics of matt dillon and pretend
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzl544wNb31qb6ydzo1_500.png
I think of her as the Eyebrow Lesbian, and I kept expecting her and her eyebrows to have their own scene at some point.
who plays the tall blonde please anyone
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3255818/ Her name is Farrah Krenek
I dont know if youre still looking for her but http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3255818/ Her name is Farraf Krenek
Can we talk about the fact that Alex is likely to leave in S2? Kept reading bits and bobs going on about it. How horrifying. Orange is the New Black without Alex? Almost as bad as when I found out Bomb Girls was ending.
There’s still no confirmation of anything- methinks it either isn’t worked out yet, or it’s plot related, and telling the public what’s going on would give away too much of season 2.
Okay, I need confirmation, because it’s been awhile since I watched: do we know for sure that Bennett didn’t use protection, or is it possible that the condom broke or something? (Shockingly, I have forgotten some details about the straight white dude.)
Either way… *facepalm*
Well they both seemed pretty surprised to find out about the pregnancy. If the condom had broken I think they would have been freaking out more.
Janeway reaction gifs. Guh. I’ll, uh, go be old and nostalgic and in my bunk, okay? Yes?
also: more plz
also also: this ending. It cannot go well. Either the Magical Plot-hole Bunny waves its fluffy tail over everything and somehow this all gets overlooked by Mr Totally-His-First-Wife-Left-Him-For-A-Lady-Amirite, or else we’ve just taken a serious left turn from the book, timing-wise. (Which I am ok with, but even with Plot-Hole Bunny on our side, there is no way this ends well.)
You have forgotten another moment in montages: The Moment Where You Were Surprisingly Tender While Working At A Food Or Clothing Drive Then Looked Over At Me Looking At You Doing The Tender Thing Montage.
Two notes about the final scene I think it’s kind of really important to mention. Unless – because I only watched it once, a couple weeks ago – I just imagined the significance of these things.
1. Healy saw Doggett attacking Piper and walked away from it (the communication implied complicity also) – he didn’t just shrink away after his scolding.
2. While she maybe went a little psycho as the beating didn’t stop, Piper was in an actual legitimate life-or-death situation. Though I know some of y’all are rather sympathetic toward Doggett, I don’t know how anyone can take the position at the end of the season that she is not disturbed and incredibly dangerous.
Correct me if I’m wrong on those points, I just feel like I read the final scene differently.
Those things said, this recap series has been AWESOME. Thanks for making each post so delightful!
I agree 100%. If people do not think she is mentally unstable by this point something is wrong. You are correct that Piper had a legitimate reason for beating the shit out of her in self defense. She should have stayed in the psyche ward….clearly she is not stable.
She disrespected me though.
I agree that Doggett is unstable and needs help, but I don’t think the psych ward was going to do it for her. If anything, it was going to make it worse. Psych wards in prisons are horrible because most of them focus solely on medicating people and not on fixing the problems or helping the people.
Good point about the seeming complicity from Healey.
I feel like… Piper had the right to defend herself, but I have a hard time saying she would have the right to beat the sh*t out of anyone. In this, um, fictional tv prison…
I knew it. Doggett is CRAZY. Piper shouldn’t have gone out of her way to get her out of SHU in the first place.
i don’t think people are taking the position that doggett is a sympathetic character; i think people are saying that the representation of the “white trash” character as completely unredeemable is problematic.
This made me laugh embarrassingly on the train. Having seen people snort into their phones on public transport, I know that it makes you look like a dork (unless you’re cute and then you’re a cute dork). And not just a little giggle and an ‘is she crazy?’ side eye from the person sitting next to me but a whole series of snorts and guffaws and giggles an quiet cackles that ensured the disdain and discomfort of the whole carriage. Thanks Kate.
How can I wait until the next season?
How can Alex not be there (or barely be there?)
When will Clea Duvall show up?
When will we get more of dreamy frosted-hair? I think she’s in the background rather conspicuously often, I don’t think it’s just that I notice her.
When will we get a Taystee flashback? And Poussey? And Big Boo? And Sue? When will we get a flashback and further characterization of any of the Hispanic women besides Daya?
I think Piper went beyond the appropriate dosage of beating the shit out of Doggett. Totally legit to beat the shit out of her, but I think she snapped, she want further than necessary, all her pent up rage and repressed everything screeching out. I only like Piper when she loses her temper. It’s the only time I think she’s being sincere or real, when she loses it. I think she looks to more powerful, “strong” personalities to protect and shield her- Healy, Alex, Ms. Claudette. Larry’s not particularly strong, but he’s a guy, and I feel like she wants to believe she is the way he sees her… so innocent and sweet and girlish. How manipulative she is, how lacking in self-responsibility, how flaky and clueless… it all connects in my eyes to that mode of relying on other seeing you as that sweet young thing that needs protection as a way to get by. When she loses her temper she’s not always justified or in the right, but I heave a sigh of relief because I feel “ooooh, THERE you are!”
I could be wrong, but I don’t think that Piper was acting in self-defense would much matter even if she did scale back on the beating and even though Healy did turn his back…. I feel like no matter what the fight would have given her more time.
yeah, except I never really had strong feelings of dislike towards Piper because, unlike most of the other characters, she’d just started her sentence. Anybody starting at something or new to a place is going to look foolish and do dumb things. I feel like until they treat me to flashbacks of everyone’s first month there, I’ll reserve judgment.
Doggett, I’ve finally decided, was a fail for me. The flashback featuring her partner is interesting but the only other one (pre-arrest) is… Tiffany being disrespected. And Tiffany and her shotgun. BLAM! Cue the Looney Tunes music. Even her bigotry falls flat until confirmed by a male authority figure; then it becomes deadly. I don’t know if this is social commentary, but if so it’s patronizing. The woman’s a cardboard cut-out.
Daya wasn’t characterized. She was sexualized. She’s one of the few Puerto Rican characters who was allowed to talk on a regular basis, and of course to facilitate a story that wound up with her pregnant. Which is pretty stereotypical fare.
But yeah, I’d love to see Clea Duvall.
I completely agree about loving it when Piper goes off. She pretty much always has a front up. My three favourite Piper scenes (other than Alex sexytimes type scenes) are when she delivers that epic speech to Healy in SHU, when she “hulks out” at Alex re. her turning her in to the feds, and when she beats up Doggett. See what they all have in common? Yeah. She’s actually a much more complex character than many people give her credit for, and I find her fascinating.
I can’t wait for the next season, specially to read your recaps.
I hope that for season 2 we get to see the missing flashbacks and that the show doesn’t turn into a kind of maximum-security-prison-thriller; after Piper beat Doggett I’ve no idea how she could get away with hers and stay in minimum security.
Please tell me I wasn’t the only who started getting happy and excited that Piper actually started beating the HELL outta Doggett then after Doggett’s blood splattered the snow went YIKES.
Still no sympathy for Doggett at this point and Healy. And I’m waiting to see the flashbacks for the other characters especially Big Boo.
And I’d just like to mention that I was waiting on this recap. Four thumbs up!!!!
“Jesus Christ, someone get me a fucking vuvuzela, I
feel like I’m watching a fucking soccer game.”
Unable to read more of article. Too busy giggling hysterically.
P.S. I have a vuvuzela (yay South Africa!), you can have it if you want.
How can you offer me a salad, candle lights and a great talk, but finish asking if I want to have an open relationship?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OPEN RELATIONSHIP?
Re: the boobs. I’ve read it’s usually caused by genes and affects most women to some degree. I like to think my asymmetrical haircut evens everything out.
It’s late, I’m tired, but first of all, I would like Kate to be my friend based on her writing.
Second, the outcome of the last scene could of just ensured many more seasons for us.
All the feelings!
Okay, can we talk about Poussey’s absolutely incredible performance of Amazing Grace? I literally got chills when I heard her sing. God damn.
SERIOUSLY WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS?
what happened to the poussey love-train? janeway gifs are great, but i thought we had an agreement about the poussey gifs, kate.
here’s a poor quality video (the only one i could find on youtube), but still, holy shit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Eo66m474Y
Are we not going to talk about the way she looks at Taystee right before she sings “but now I’m found”
“serious life commitments like marriage and murder need a lot of forethought and planning”
It’s nuggets of wisdom like this that keep me coming back for more. Can’t wait for your season two recaps, Kate!
3 things:
The scene where Tucky attacks Piper in the shower actually felt like the most violating scene in the series for me (with a close second going to Alex feeling Piper up despite her protests in ep 12), partly because she was naked, but mostly because Tucky smeared her own blood on her. That was SO creepy. I got the chills.
Your description of why Alex and Nicky had sex is spot on, both for their situation and for why I sleep with half the people I do. This is what happens when you’d rather sleep with friends/acquaintances than strangers. Thanks for invading my brain.
“You’re not worthy of God’s love, you’re not worthy of anybody’s love” was the harshest line in the show, and IMO it was what ensured that Piper would go off. To be fair, Tucky probably was unaware of Piper’s relationship drama (i.e. losing both her lovers) in this episode, but damn.
AMEN. The shower scene was straight outta a horror film and her gang standing around her :O VIOLATING -.-
Great, now I have that Jojo song stuck in my head!
Kate, don’t you remember the last tit punch?
I’m not attracted to women so I don’t understand what you said about Nicky and Alex. Is giving another woman a handjob considered having sex? It didn’t seem like sex to me. It just seemed like a handjob.