This week on the True Adventures of Drawn-Out Plotlines Gone Far Too Wrong, oh, what a tangled genetic web we weave, and more daddy issues than you should try to fit in forty minutes of Sunday night programming. Also, I hope you like dad jokes, because this recap is chock full of them.

The episode opens on a Rumpleforeskin flashback to Young Rumpleforeskin on the street with his father, whose job is tricking people into picking from one of three cards in Ye Olde Greenscreen Village. Shockingly, this is not going well for the family income, nor for RumpleDad’s spleen. He gets the shit beat out of him a lot. This upsets Young Rumpleforeskin. Why can’t his dad just do normal dad things, like get invested in sports he wasn’t even that good at in high school and wearing socks with sandals?

Clearly you don’t respect the hustle, son.

Some important things that keep bothering me: Why is Rumpleforeskin’s accent different than his dad’s? Why would you develop that highly specific Scottish accent if your dad does not have a highly specific Scottish accent and you have been raised by your dad and your dad only? Why doesn’t Neal have Rumpleforeskin’s accent when he was raised by his dad and his dad only? WHY DOES ANYONE ON THIS FUCKING SHOW TALK THE WAY THAT THEY DO?

Wendy’s still “sick” the way that I was “sick” when I was trying to get out of kissing my boyfriend that I had for two weeks before I broke up with him via email. Ugh, feigning straightness was such a lame boring drag, guys. Henry is still falling for Wendy’s shitty schtick like all that raising Regina did was for naught: somehow he still turned out like a fucking Charming, complete with that blank stare when the line coach is too busy shoving down a bagel. Remember when Henry was Bobby Draper, but they replaced him with a Bobby Draper who could handle a speaking part? I liked you when you weren’t happily walking into threatening situations, Henry.

It’s a good thing you’re not an incredibly naive turd this season or my scheme would be way too easy.

Regina and Rumpleforeskin have got Pandora’s Box and they’re ready to destroy Pan with a method that is, as usual, vague and requires a lot of walking across the jungle soundstage. Regina says that they’re the only team that ever gets anything done, which is true. So far, the Charmings have managed to berate their daughter about her sex life and get themselves physically tethered to this godforsaken island. Such a useful people. Regina and Rumpleforeskin, however, are gonna conquer that shit, even if they are not the ideal pairing.

Back in Ye Olde Green Screen Village, Baby Rumpleforeskin is getting dropped off at spin class. I’m sorry, that was a terrible pun. Actually, RumpleDad is doing the old Deadbeat Dad Abandonment Shuffle and leaving Yung Rump with two random ladies who have spinning wheels in their house. Any backstory on these women is totally lost to us, but we weren’t expecting it anyway because we made the decision to tune into Once Upon A Time, where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.

Over on the other side of the ten by ten jungle soundstage, Snow and Emma are talking about, what else? Fun heterosexual stuff. Snow and the Charmin Bear are actually pretty down with this ‘stay on Neverland and conceive replacement children’ plan. I mean, they already abandoned Emma once. What more damage could they possibly do as parents who have literally told their daughter that they want to replace her with another child? It’s not like Emma has frequently alluded to her deep-seated issues involving abandonment and trust.

Note that in this episode, Charming and Snow can’t stop holding hands because they read in their Being “Good” Characters handbooks that holding hands is sex, and they’re trying to spice up the relationship. Later in the season, they will conceive a child due to what they have been calling “elbow touching.”

Troop Pollyanna Advanced has a run-on with, surprise! Team Mommy AND Daddy Issues. Neal says that Rumpleforeskin is here to kill Henry because it was foretold or something, who the fuck knows anymore. Everyone pulls out their shiny phallic objects against Rumple because Henry because prophecy prophecy blah blah blah. I love how everyone has a shiny phallic object except for Regina, who has magic hands. This show is so gay that there could be two girls fingerblasting in the background and I would not even blink an eye. Emma’s expression during this scene is priceless:

Also, what the fuck is up with Neal’s hair? It looks like someone hung him upside down and squirted lube all over his head. Has his hair always had that unfinished grey sheen to it? Jesus, is he aging prematurely or some shit? He looks rough as hell, like three day hangover and last week’s tampon rough.

Yung Rumpleforeskin is apparently good at spinning yarn. Hey Disney, quick reminder that you never made a Rumplestiltskin movie and thus nothing about this backstory is exciting or nostalgia-bait for our childhood selves. The two ladies in the recycled plastic headwraps tell him that his father is not coming back for him because his dad is a deadbeat piece of shit, and thus he needs to take this magical crystal bean thing and go live his own life. Good thing he’s seven years old and totally ready for that!

And this is the crack rock they’ve been smoking in the writers’ room.

Back in the present day – and by day I mean night, because it’s always night on Neverland, which has never actually been explained and thus I chalk up to lighting being outside of the budget this season – where Neal is explaining to Rumple how he doesn’t trust him and never will. But surprise! After an intense Daddy Issues Showdown, Rumple turns out to have the deepest daddy issues on this show. He hates Pan because Pan ruined his father, and his father was the reason for all of his trust issues. Because he wants people to trust him in a way that he never trusted his own daddy, he hands the Pandora’s Box over to Neal. He’s also like, wow, get a haircut and a face reconstruction, you look like three week old shit after a couple hard rains.

In the past world of Ye Olde CGI Backlot, Rumple wants to save his father from the eventual ruin of his gambling addiction, so they decide to go to Neverland because no one there knows of his father’s reputation as a cheating drunk. That’s definitely the most realistic plan.

Back to Jungle2Jungle, and the big happy family, most of which is technically family, is walking across the island to Camp Pan. Fucking finally? My question: Where the fuck are they always walking to? Why are all these furtive glances and deep conversations happening while they trek from one end of the jungle soundstage to the other? I’m pretty sure this is the first time they’re heading to the specific goal of the entire mission because otherwise they’ve just been doing random pointless side quests that involve copious amounts of walking. I feel like the tagline of this show should be “It’s Not The Destination, It’s The Journey. Also No One Is Gay, Shut Up About That, We Gave You Mulan So What More Do You Want Already, Stop Sending Us Angry Tweets.”

Emma wants to talk to Hook. Holy fuck, is anyone on this island NOT interested in pointless processing? They want to save Charmin Bear so he doesn’t have to live on the island forever, and he and Snow can go conceive that replacement baby they keep talking about. Oh, Emma. Honey. Are you really trying to help enable your own shitty parents’ abandonment of you? Rumpleforeskin says there’s a way to save Charming from getting stuck on Neverland, but he’s the only one who can do it. Of course he is. There’s no such thing as a plot point on this show that doesn’t revolve around a poorly developed gimmick about magical limitations.

Additional thought about these group scenes: I like Tink but if that bandana isn’t a hooky cover, there is just no point to it. It’s clashing with her outfit so badly that I’m convinced she got dressed in the dark after leaving a group orgy. One can only hope. Also, we know how much queers love bandanas and for those of you wondering, she is indeed flagging BDSM.

Once they get to the camp, there’s a brief debriefing on the best way to disarm all the Lost Boys. But don’t worry dummies, Regina’s got this.

Ugh, Regina is so fucking effective. I swoon.

Now that the Lost Boys have been disabled, Team Disorganized storms the camp and starts yelling for Henry, which, as expected, accomplishes nothing. When they hear a voice crying for help, they discover Wendy in a cage. Neal frees her, and has yet another awkward endangering/romantic moment with a child. Why haven’t we reported his super ugly ass yet? Or pushed him off a cliff, either or.

I’ve been wearing a training bra for 106 years, how the fuck do you think i feel.

Flashback to the continuing adventures of Rumpleforeskin and Deadbeat Dad. Despite Neverland being an obviously tropical climate, Rumpleforeskin and his father arrive via magical crystal bean portkey in a coniferous forest coast. Daddy tells Rumple to wish for his favorite slice from The Cheesecake Factory, which he promptly leaves on a log.

It really needs that tower of whipped cream that I’ll be too sick to actually eat to complete the presentation.

At first, Wendy is lying like a rug, but then the adults threaten her with weapons, so she tells them the truth. That’s definitely the way to deal with a child, responsible adult people! She’s only been kidnapped and abused by an adult pretending to be a child, let’s just pull out some pointy swords and wave them in her face until she tells us what we to hear!

Wow Bae you literally look like a dried out turd covered in old scabs.

Pan and Henry are heading via terribly CGI-d boat to Skull Island, where Pan’s about to steal Henry’s soul and other things that make us groan. Seriously, that boat was skipping like a fucking kid in gym class. Pan puts up a barrier that will prevent everyone who has a shadow from entering the island. Bet that won’t be a plot device that shows up later!

That’s right Henry. How could anything even remotely sinister happen on an island that looks like this?

Rumpledad says that if he can’t get some pixie dust, he won’t be able to fly, so he better climb this flowering pine tree to get some pixie dust from its naturally occuring pixie dust blossoms. Haha, of course. A shadow with an American accent tells RumpleDad that he does not belong on the island, and that’s why he can’t fly anymore. Again, what the fuck is the logic with these accents.

The most efficient people on the island and Neal are headed to Skull Island to save Henry once and for all. Emma and Regina seated next to each other like the dream team they are was giving me a lot of warm feelings in my tingly place, guys.

There is some serious celebratory sex in order once we get off this godforsaken island.

In other news: Ugh, Fireball-Wielding Regina is so fucking sexy. Sorry guys, it’s been a while, and her face situation isn’t helping my dry spell.

That’s right, ladies. Think of the possibilities. Go ahead.

Of course, they can’t get through because they have shadows, which means they’re going to have to move the fucking moon out of the way to get rid of their shadows. Regina can’t do it alone since moving a literal space entity is pretty exhausting, so it’s a good thing she’s been doing all “teaching” with Emma. Neal’s look after hearing about Emma and Regina’s lessons might as well have been a clip from the first season of The L Word.

But I’m a swim coach I bought you a house why are you gay now why do you write those shitty short stories.

It’s time for Emma and Regina to do magic together, just like those times on Buffy when Willow and Tara did magic together as a euphemism for sex. Yes girls, get those hands involved. Everyone knows what hands do. Hint: Hands fuck girls.

T.A.T.U. plays in background

Back in the Neverland of the Storied Past, Rumple’s father wants to return to Neverland but he can’t do that unless he sacrifices his son because children can’t have children? What a weird clause. So the American shadow takes Rumple and RumpleDad turns into –

PETER FUCKING PAN?

I am high as fuck right now man

WAIT. Pan is his fucking father? Wait. Wait, wait, wait. WAIT. Henry’s great-grandfather is fucking Peter Pan? What the fuck is this show? Why are they so hellbent on making every Disney character related? What is this, Once Upon A Fucking West Virginia*?

*As an actual woodchuck person, I make this joke with the personal experience of being first or second cousins with everyone in my town/general region.

The American shadow who sounds like the least employed voice actor of all time explains that Peter Pan’s presence has literally created Skull Island as a place for him to keep track of his own mortality. Some things that really don’t make sense about the random American shadow: He says he’s the sole inhabitant of Neverland. Why? Where the fuck did he come from? What is his purpose beyond acting as a malevolent tour guide? Why does he have an American accent? Why do I bother watching this fucking show?

UPDATE: Marilyn Fucking Manson, former husband of Dita Von Teese and every other girl you’ve ever wanted to lick like a popsicle, was the voice of the shadow. Disney, what the fuck kind of crack rock are you smoking? Is it the magical crystal bean, Disney? Was the magical crystal bean actually crack? I love that someone in the writer’s room was like “Hey, you know what? We’ve got to voice that shitty shadow character, right? How about we get Marilyn Manson?” and then some other guy was like “Great idea, Stan! Pass me that cocaine, will you? We’re going to do lines off Carol. Congrats, guys. Everyone’s doing a bang-up job this season!”

because when you think disney, you think marilyn manson

Henry’s parents (and that douche Neal) show up in the cave just in time to see Pan telling Henry that time is running out and he has to give him his heart now in order to save magic. He says that his parents are being selfish because the sacrifice Henry’s making is having to stay on Neverland, not his life. Maury?

By the way, Henry rips out his own heart and then holds it in his fucking hand while everyone argues about it and it is the most fucking metal thing of all time.

Henry’s parents tell him they believe in him, and they love him.

we accept your faults as a fucking idiot of a character and we love you anyway honey

Henry’s like “Oh, I love you guys, too. Even that sperm donor guy who keeps tagging along for all the important family stuff even when he was definitely not invited. When are we gonna lose this clown, guys? But really, I love you, so I’m going to save magic by shoving my heart in someone else’s chest. Boy, I’m full of intelligent choices as a character, aren’t I?”

And then he shoves his fucking heart into Pan’s chest, and he dies.

Elsewhere on the island, the other characters are hit by a green mist that seems to indicate Henry’s demise. I love how Snow and Charming are just walking around grinning like they’re on their way to get ice cream sundaes, not headed for higher ground while their grandson’s life is in jeopardy.

Just a reminder: Rufio would have never let this happen. Rest in peace, sweet prince of our childhoods.

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