Now that the Lost Boys have been disabled, Team Disorganized storms the camp and starts yelling for Henry, which, as expected, accomplishes nothing. When they hear a voice crying for help, they discover Wendy in a cage. Neal frees her, and has yet another awkward endangering/romantic moment with a child. Why haven’t we reported his super ugly ass yet? Or pushed him off a cliff, either or.
I’ve been wearing a training bra for 106 years, how the fuck do you think i feel.
Flashback to the continuing adventures of Rumpleforeskin and Deadbeat Dad. Despite Neverland being an obviously tropical climate, Rumpleforeskin and his father arrive via magical crystal bean portkey in a coniferous forest coast. Daddy tells Rumple to wish for his favorite slice from The Cheesecake Factory, which he promptly leaves on a log.
It really needs that tower of whipped cream that I’ll be too sick to actually eat to complete the presentation.
At first, Wendy is lying like a rug, but then the adults threaten her with weapons, so she tells them the truth. That’s definitely the way to deal with a child, responsible adult people! She’s only been kidnapped and abused by an adult pretending to be a child, let’s just pull out some pointy swords and wave them in her face until she tells us what we to hear!
Wow Bae you literally look like a dried out turd covered in old scabs.
Pan and Henry are heading via terribly CGI-d boat to Skull Island, where Pan’s about to steal Henry’s soul and other things that make us groan. Seriously, that boat was skipping like a fucking kid in gym class. Pan puts up a barrier that will prevent everyone who has a shadow from entering the island. Bet that won’t be a plot device that shows up later!
That’s right Henry. How could anything even remotely sinister happen on an island that looks like this?
Rumpledad says that if he can’t get some pixie dust, he won’t be able to fly, so he better climb this flowering pine tree to get some pixie dust from its naturally occuring pixie dust blossoms. Haha, of course. A shadow with an American accent tells RumpleDad that he does not belong on the island, and that’s why he can’t fly anymore. Again, what the fuck is the logic with these accents.
The most efficient people on the island and Neal are headed to Skull Island to save Henry once and for all. Emma and Regina seated next to each other like the dream team they are was giving me a lot of warm feelings in my tingly place, guys.
There is some serious celebratory sex in order once we get off this godforsaken island.
In other news: Ugh, Fireball-Wielding Regina is so fucking sexy. Sorry guys, it’s been a while, and her face situation isn’t helping my dry spell.
That’s right, ladies. Think of the possibilities. Go ahead.
Of course, they can’t get through because they have shadows, which means they’re going to have to move the fucking moon out of the way to get rid of their shadows. Regina can’t do it alone since moving a literal space entity is pretty exhausting, so it’s a good thing she’s been doing all “teaching” with Emma. Neal’s look after hearing about Emma and Regina’s lessons might as well have been a clip from the first season of The L Word.
But I’m a swim coach I bought you a house why are you gay now why do you write those shitty short stories.
It’s time for Emma and Regina to do magic together, just like those times on Buffy when Willow and Tara did magic together as a euphemism for sex. Yes girls, get those hands involved. Everyone knows what hands do. Hint: Hands fuck girls.
T.A.T.U. plays in background
Back in the Neverland of the Storied Past, Rumple’s father wants to return to Neverland but he can’t do that unless he sacrifices his son because children can’t have children? What a weird clause. So the American shadow takes Rumple and RumpleDad turns into –
PETER FUCKING PAN?
I am high as fuck right now man
WAIT. Pan is his fucking father? Wait. Wait, wait, wait. WAIT. Henry’s great-grandfather is fucking Peter Pan? What the fuck is this show? Why are they so hellbent on making every Disney character related? What is this, Once Upon A Fucking West Virginia*?
*As an actual woodchuck person, I make this joke with the personal experience of being first or second cousins with everyone in my town/general region.
The American shadow who sounds like the least employed voice actor of all time explains that Peter Pan’s presence has literally created Skull Island as a place for him to keep track of his own mortality. Some things that really don’t make sense about the random American shadow: He says he’s the sole inhabitant of Neverland. Why? Where the fuck did he come from? What is his purpose beyond acting as a malevolent tour guide? Why does he have an American accent? Why do I bother watching this fucking show?
UPDATE: Marilyn Fucking Manson, former husband of Dita Von Teese and every other girl you’ve ever wanted to lick like a popsicle, was the voice of the shadow. Disney, what the fuck kind of crack rock are you smoking? Is it the magical crystal bean, Disney? Was the magical crystal bean actually crack? I love that someone in the writer’s room was like “Hey, you know what? We’ve got to voice that shitty shadow character, right? How about we get Marilyn Manson?” and then some other guy was like “Great idea, Stan! Pass me that cocaine, will you? We’re going to do lines off Carol. Congrats, guys. Everyone’s doing a bang-up job this season!”
because when you think disney, you think marilyn manson
Henry’s parents (and that douche Neal) show up in the cave just in time to see Pan telling Henry that time is running out and he has to give him his heart now in order to save magic. He says that his parents are being selfish because the sacrifice Henry’s making is having to stay on Neverland, not his life. Maury?
By the way, Henry rips out his own heart and then holds it in his fucking hand while everyone argues about it and it is the most fucking metal thing of all time.
Henry’s parents tell him they believe in him, and they love him.
we accept your faults as a fucking idiot of a character and we love you anyway honey
Henry’s like “Oh, I love you guys, too. Even that sperm donor guy who keeps tagging along for all the important family stuff even when he was definitely not invited. When are we gonna lose this clown, guys? But really, I love you, so I’m going to save magic by shoving my heart in someone else’s chest. Boy, I’m full of intelligent choices as a character, aren’t I?”
And then he shoves his fucking heart into Pan’s chest, and he dies.
Elsewhere on the island, the other characters are hit by a green mist that seems to indicate Henry’s demise. I love how Snow and Charming are just walking around grinning like they’re on their way to get ice cream sundaes, not headed for higher ground while their grandson’s life is in jeopardy.
Just a reminder: Rufio would have never let this happen. Rest in peace, sweet prince of our childhoods.
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“WHY DOES ANYONE ON THIS FUCKING SHOW TALK THE WAY THAT THEY DO?” I have been wondering this re: Belle’s Australian accent since day one
i wondered this too re: Belle and Rumple, then concluded that it’s probably about a) diversity tokens from some kind of accent-blindness involving either b) white people without American accents or c) non-white people with assimilated American accents. obviously diversity tokens don’t involve Anglophone non-white characters without some kind of standard accent. #agenda
I’m really into the outfit coordinating between Regina and Emma right now – it reminds me of that moment where you roll out of someone else’s bed late for work and hung over, grab a shirt, get in the car, and only realize when you’re sitting at your desk smelling of booze and mistakes that you’re not actually wearing something that belongs to you.
Actually that’s pretty much how I picture every night in Storybrooke secretly went for them.
wait omg, hilarious, when did they get new clothes?! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
“and then some other guy was like “Great idea, Stan! Pass me that cocaine, will you? We’re going to do lines off Carol. Congrats, guys. Everyone’s doing a bang-up job this season!””
still laughing about this
RUFI-O
RUFI-O
Kade, you need to draw a family tree for those of us not watching the show because wut?
I think the tree is actually just a trunk at this point.
These dad jokes are the absolute best.
Also Neal’s hair is totally making him look like Terk from Tarzan, which p.s. when are the Tarzan gorillas going to make a Neverland jungle appearance? I’m now convinced that Neal (as Terk), will find Tarzan and take him home to meet his mom, who never really died, just was turned into a gorilla. Just wait for it.
This is my fave autostraddle recap. So much hilarity.
“What is this, Once Upon A Fucking West Virginia*?”
High five.
The sad part about Neal is that he’s Helena Peabody’s son!!
like in real life?!??!?!
wait… wat
Oh wait shit yeah she does make an appearance on this show haha.. nice
“What is this, Once Upon A Fucking West Virginia*?”
Actually it’s ONCE UPON ALL MY CHILDREN
When Douchebag Dad turned into Peter FUCKING Pan, I actually shouted “Seriously?!” at the screen. This plot is endless and so fucked up. It’s like all the actual writers left to go find some hookers and a hot tub or something and three unfortunate interns are just trying to hold the fort and hoping nobody notices.
“Write another scene where they walk down the same path, discussing saving Henry but not actually getting any closer to doing anything about it”
“Good one, we could also stretch the Charming-Imminent-Death-Concerns-While-Also-In-No-Immediate-Danger-Whatsoever thing for another week. That should buy some time”
I’m dying at this
So much laughing, the best.
Uhhh Lana Parillaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So can Henry stay dead so Emma and Regina can at least have mutual grief sex? Maybe Neal can somehow end up in Pandora’s Box with Rump, Charming and Snow can stay and make another baby on Neverland and Hook can steward Regina & Emma home to Storybrook then peace out.
This is perfect.
Except for Lana Parilla. She’s ruining my life.
Oh my gosh this recap is awesome! I laughed for a solid minute about the L word reference on the picture of Neal.
Oh and Lana Parrilla has become an obsession recently and I think I need help.
HAHAHA. This fucking recap. I can’t.
Also, 1) Neal really needs to fake die again. Or actually die. 2) I don’t understand the accent situation either, wtf. 3) Regina is soooo fine and obviously the best character on this show. I will never stop rooting for her. 4) Finally on board with this Swan Queen thing yesssss. 5) I was sure there was gonna be a lesbian joke about those two old spinster “roommates.” So gay. Prob the only actual lesbians we’ll see on this show.
Why so many negative comments about Neal’s appearance?
Despite all of the raging flaws of this show, I’m totally hooked, and as a rule I don’t like television.
One of the things that drives me crazy about the show is the stupid “true love’s kiss.” Unknown to many people, Disney did not create ANY of these stories, nor did the Brother’s Grimm or Hans Christen Andersen. Many of these stories are centuries old and were far darker than their modern versions. In the original versions, no one wakes up from the sleeping curse from a “true love’s kiss.” Sleeping Beauty (original: Sun, Moon, and Talia) was raped by the king while she was asleep and gives birth to twins all while she is still asleep. There’s a summary of this story on Wikipedia. Snow White was also only supposed to be seven-years-old when the evil queen sent her off to be killed (and she asked for her liver and tongue, not her heart), so she wasn’t any older than eight when ‘Prince Charming’ decided he wanted her to be his wife. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” should really be called “Snow White and the Pedophile.” In some versions of “Little Red Riding Hood” the wolf rapes the grandmother, then eats her, then rapes Riding Hood, and eats her. No one gets saved at the end.
Not that I wish these fates on any of the characters in this show, but at least they could have un-Disney-ified them a little more. Disney made up “true love’s kiss” and “happy endings” and this show is a little too obsessed with both of these tropes to truly suspend my disbelief.
What the actual fuck is going on? I’m just watching this now. What is wrong with Henry!! He’s the most frustrating. This show makes absolutely no fucking sense.