Charming tells Hook that just because he is a pirate doesn’t mean he can nab Emma’s booty for himself. Hook looks sad because he wasn’t always an unwashed angsty pirate, OR maybe it’s because he wants to push Charming up against a tree and kiss his stupid princely face. But actually, it’s because way too many Pegasuses were murdered in the making of this episode, and Hook still feels responsible.
Yes, that’s right. Hook was once even gayer than he is now, as a lieutenant who pronounced his position as leftenant, and liked to speak very closely to the faces of his seamen, and steered a SHIP MADE FROM PEGASUS FEATHERS. Jesus fucking Christ, I wish I was kidding. He and his brother have a gay old time being nice to each other and the rest of the crew, but naughty naughty! Looks like someone’s packing a big vessel that needs confiscating. It’s dry week on this ship, so empty out that rum and make room for something a little more filling, boys.
make sure y’all don’t miss karaoke on the poopdeck at 8 tonight. drink specials til 10! let me see those booty shorts, boys!
Ah yes, those were more innocent times. A time of bangs and washed hairs and trading guy tips with your big brother when you weren’t banging the first mate like a gong. But that time is over, and now Hook has to drag Charming off “to collect vines” so he can get him alone and shirtless without the ladies watching.
hey baby is it cool if i play music? i wanna set the mood
Actually Charming and Hook conveniently find Hook’s brother’s military tags (LOOOLLL WAT) and that prompts Hook to send them on a side mission, since Charming reveals that he’s basically decided he’s going to die anyway, leaving everyone else to the mission at hand? Wow such brave good hero wow good father husband thank so much. Hook gets to see Charming’s badly CGI-d wound but real-as-fuck abs. This overwhelms him, and they head back to camp so Charming can say his weird goodbyes. Not everyone is that bothered by the boys deciding to strike out on their own.
The girls’ plan is to set a hoisted net trap for a Lost Boy and use him to find a way to Pan. I’m going to be frank and say that this is one of the more half-assed plans I’ve heard on the show, but given the fact that this is Once Upon A Suspended Disbelief, it works. Snow goes Katniss on these bitches, and they catch themselves a Lost Boy. Regina seductively offers it candy, because Regina’s default setting is Neighborhood MILF.
it’s fine, i washed my hands after emma and i inspected each other’s traps
Emma decides the rough approach is the best one, but Snow doesn’t like this because kindness and birds and nice things! Regina says they should tear the heart out of the kid, and Snow SUPER doesn’t like this, because Snow is morally opposed to everything Regina says and does. Emma sides with Regina (!) because she says they need to save “our son” (!!!) thus acknowledging that Henry is Regina’s AND Emma’s son (!!!!!!!!!). Snow is 100% not okay with this, but Regina has no fucks to give and Emma restrains Snow to let Regina do her bad thang.
For those of you pretending to wonder what’s happening with the boys, I don’t care either, but they’ve climbed Brokeback Mountain with only a few minor obstacles. One of these obstacles is Pan showing up and telling Hook he should kill Charming because Pan gets off on that kind of thing. Another obstacle is Hook remembering when he and his brother arrived in Neverland to acquire the magical elixir of life that turned out to be a life-destroying poison for his big brother. Hook turns up the Brand New on his iPod, and weeps into Charming’s shoulder while masturbating softly.
Snow does not support these new developments at all, but let’s talk about that Gay as Fuck Wide-Legged Hunch, Emma!
Now that Regina has ripped out the kid’s heart, they can control him. They’re going to send him into Neverland Ranch to get a message to Henry via magical compact mirror because Regina is the Ultimate Femme Goddess. Or Sailor Neptune to Emma’s Sailor Uranus, I will let you decide.
This all leads to the best scene in the episode, which is Regina, Emma, and Princess Cockblock compact-skyping with Henry. Because despite the fact that this show likes to talk a good game about how adoption is invalid in the face of biology and families can only be formed from mommies and daddies making genetically linked offspring, they go and pull this card. Traditional family structures: -1, Swan Queen Gay Agenda: 1000000.
spring/summer 2014 jc penney ad
Up on Brokeback Mountain, Hook is giving Charming a second chance by getting him to drink from the magical healing waterfall that was the whole secret reason they got up here in the first place. Hook remembers that when he used the same waterfall to save his brother, Pan had told him that magic comes at a price. Later, the brother chokes to death at dinner, which seems like a major price to pay and also super wasteful? Maybe by magical price, it should be something along the lines of his pinky finger falls off, or everywhere he goes from now on, a group of Jenny Schecter fans will follow him, trying to make invalid arguments. I feel like if death is the price you pay for saving yourself from death, magic is about as effective as BoltBus wifi. Charming drinks the magical healing waterfall water, and Hook tells him he can never leave Neverland. Charming thinks maybe they could just stay up on Brokeback Mountain forever, and then they buttfuck in the tent. JK, they go back to the camp so they can make out with girls!
Snow decides she’s really concerned about the purity of Emma’s soul, which I guess means she’s late to that party. Regina says she’ll do all the dark and corrupting things so that Emma won’t have to, which is kind of a massive sacrifice, nbd. If these two were a boy and a girl, the powers that be would be making you WEEP over that scene, by the way. They’d be milking the sweet teats of Regina’s sacrifice until you couldn’t think of the word “darkness” without curling up in a ball and sobbing. But alas, it gets a passing moment, and we’re onto more important things. Like heterosexuality!
The aforementioned making out with girls thing? It happens, and it’s awkward. Charming and Snow make out for fucking ever, and Emma kisses Hook in what was surely a confusing experience for them both. Regina pulls out her iPad and searches through her CrashPad downloads for a way to kill time.
We learn via flashback that the death of Hook’s brother prompted him to be like, okay crew, fuck your families and your established lives at home, we’re all going to become pirates because everything is pointless and sad. And weirdly, they seemed to be okay with it? In the present, Pan tells Hook he’s got Baelfire and another mysterious person locked up in cages, so if he wants to drop that little factoid on Emma, that’d be a real groovy test of character. By the by, if that becomes a canon love triangle, I will light my hair on fire and upload it to Twitter, no homo.
Let’s talk about the previews for next week, though, HOLY SHIT. The previews for next week make two important points:
1. Regina is Ursula. Which is kind of a massive cop-out, but Lana Parrilla could play the role of Jar Jar Binks (a character technically now acquired by Disney) and I’d be okay with it.
2. Ariel is in the cage, right? I hope they put some water in there so they don’t open it up later to find last week’s sushi.
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
This is the greatest article I have ever read. I just doubled over laughing and nearly fell out of my chair…in the office…at work…in front of my boss.
Greatness. Just. wow.
*****[evanescence plays]*****
AND THE TEAR DROP!
OH GOD I’M DONE FOR THE DAY!
THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING LOOK AT ONCE UPON A TIME EVER!! Can they just make a spin off series about Mulan and Sleeping Beauty having adventures, saving princesses, toppling evil empires and being awesome together? PLEASE!!!!
I agree- you make me simultaneously want to watch this show for Snow Queen, and also never ever watch it, and just read your recaps instead.
Also, Liz, read the Princess Princess comic, because that’s basically what it’s like, except with Jasmine if Jasmine rode a unicorn and had an alternative lifestyle haircut, and Rapunzel instead of Sleeping Beauty.
or TOPPING evil empires
You are officially my favorite recapper ever. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
i just wrote kade an email last night about a completely unrelated topic and then devolved (evolved?) into complimenting their amazing recapping skillz. truly a god given gift. TRULY.
Seriously the best thing I have read in weeks! I had an awful morning, and this just made me crack up. Kate you are a miracle worker of epic proportions!!! LOVE IT! (and seriously how can one not like Regina?
I’m madly in love with this show despite all its little problems. I love Mulan/Sleeping Beauty, Regina is for sure my queen and I think Rumplestiltskin and Red are both epic. I also love how dark their version of Neverland is.
Though I agree about their warped views on adoption. I get why Henry would want to run away (Regina was trying to kill everyone over and over again/keep Henry prisoner) but Regina is still his mom. Emma just gave birth to him. This idea of birth parents being supreme is a trope in tons of shows/movies that always breaks my heart and makes me furious. Still, if it means Emma and Regina can be Henry’s two mommies I’ll deal with it.
A couple notes for the recap because I’m obsessive and nerdy like that: Hook’s brother died because they left Neverland. The price was he couldn’t leave the island and live, since the waterfall is linked to the magic of Neverland.
I’m pretty sure it’s Rumplestiltskin in the other cage. Pan nabbed him while he was frozen in the forest after Neal left him.
Also I choose to believe that they could somehow shave a pegasus? I don’t know. I don’t want to think of all of them being killed to make a sail :(
But seriously, sweet recap. I especially loved all of Regina’s images.
“Regina is my queen.” Well shit, if that shouldn’t be a bumper sticker.
I haven’t watched this since the 1st season but even then it was the gayest fucking thing I’d seen in my life. I remember being really mad at the biological essentialism but eventually I came to think it was a plot device to throw Regina and Emma together. Over and over. And over. Looks like it’s shaping up that way.
Also, could your anti-Snow feelings have a bit to do with Ginny Goodwin and her “Once Upon a Time in My Pants” tweet? I mean, she is boring, but still.
Also, I saw Lana Parilla on a cooking show segment once, and they asked her about her boyfriend or somebody she was dating and she was like, “oh yeah, yeah,” but was really more interested in telling stories about her old sick cat and feeding him his medicine. Cool lady.
had to stop myself multiple times from tweeting quotes from this recap WHILE I WAS STILL EDITING IT. seriously this is so fcking hilarious. thank you.
“Regina’s default setting is Neighborhood MILF.”
most accurate.
do Pan’s eyebrows distract anyone else? sometimes I wish the entire episode were just Pan vaguely expositing in shady lighting because I’m fascinated by hIs EyEbRoWs DoInG tHaT mIdDlE sChOoL mYsPaCe ThInG
Yes! His eyebrows are so incredibly distracting!
Thank god I wasn’t consuming ANYTHING while reading this.
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Can you please follow me around and recap my life? Seriously? I feel like I would laugh way more than I do right now.
Ok, I have GOT to stop reading these episode recaps in the middle of boring classes. Stoically bored expressions are impossible amongst all this snark! And I love it!
Oh my God, I missed your recaps so much. You know the rule, Kade – you recap it, I obsessively watch it. This show has just skyrocketed to the top of my To Watch list.
Oh man. I just went through a marathon of S1 and am trying to catch up on S2 now that they’ve dealt with the WHAT IS REAL thing that gave me a panic attack (long story).
I have such a crush on Regina zomgggggg. She is HOTTTTT. She’s pretty much what I imagine my Ideal Domme Self to be, down to the fashion (and I pretty much already have her Storybrooke monochrome style down). Though Ruby’s S2 fashion sense was pretty kickass too, the Joan Jett + Red look.
Planning to go to school on Halloween dressed as Regina.
kade. KADE. i don’t even watch this show but this lil’ gem killed me:
“We don’t recap shows on Autostraddle unless there’s canon queerness afoot, so my pipe dream of recapping the everloving shit out of this show seemed like another doomed pursuit in my long list of doomed pursuits, like making my own cheese and helming a porn empire.”
i really fucking hope that one day you helm a porn empire. keep us all posted, plz.
personally, i really hope that one day you make your own cheese
They can name their cheeses after various Crash Pad actors, no doubt.
i was being selfish here because i want to make my own cheese so i assume that need will one day be met on my own, but i know i will never helm a porn empire, so.
can i cast a vote for helming a cheese empire? think big!
but i am willing to collaborate on a cheese empire for sure.
“Hook turns up the Brand New on his iPod, and weeps into Charming’s shoulder while masturbating softly.”
omg yes
The look on Regina’s face during/after that Snow and Charming kiss was the best part of the episode and exactly mirrored my reaction to the kiss that seemingly wouldn’t end.
Boobage? Always a +
This is fantastic.
Kade, I’ll be honest, I didn’t read this because I haven’t watched the latest episode yet, BUT the fucking captions on these pictures. I can’t even.
I personally love the part where they’re looking into the magic Skype Compact and Regina says to Henry “We love you!” – not I but WE. “WE love you; me your other mom and your grandma and grandpa, I speak for all of us.”
So, so gay.
“JK I’M NOT SORRY” – rofl!!! Oh my god, I laughed so hard I scared the cat.
Best Recapper Award Goes To ^^^^
This was a fantastic recap, I hope there’s a follow up to the Ursula distaster.
this is fantastic.
For someone who has sat through all three seasons of this show, you can not imagine how much this made me laugh. This is one of the most no-homo shows out there in terms of cast and creators, as both Adam and Eddie (the head writers and head producers) saying that all the “Swan Queen” moments were unintentional, setting Mulan up as the unhappy lesbian because surprise Aurora’s true love is Philip and they be having a baby, Ginnifer Goodwin (who plays Snow White) telling LGBT* Q fans to check out cable for any form of representation, which was followed by but I love gay people and promoting Charming/Snow relationship, David Anders saying that another prominent lesbian/bi fan ship Red Beauty ( Red Riding Hood/Belle from Beauty and the Beast) was nothing more than hot lesbian action.
The only reason I’ve stayed so long was for Lana Parrilla and Jennifer Morrison deserve a paycheck to put up with the bullshit on this show. And all it’s plot holes. Like seriously, if you can make Twilight look well written with all the plot holes your show has, there’s a problem.
This is the most inaccurate, ridiculous article I have ever read. You’re super gross.
Sadness: finishing Bomb Girls, experiencing sadness due to that loss (and the fact that I have to wait until May for the movie…THANKS OBAMA (ha.)
Happiness: discovering Once Upon a Time, and realizing I kind of love it.
Super mega happiness: learning that Kate did recaps of Once Upon A Time.
Sadness: learning that the recaps start in season 3. Where’s the fun in that?
Oh well, guess I have some major Netflix binging to do.