While I was staying with Riese in New York over the summer, I made plans with [Friend] to visit Babeland with the purpose of updating her vibrator / dildo collection. She doesn’t really have a ‘collection’ necessarily, you understand, and neither of us ended up buying anything. But can you think of a better way to get to know someone in the middle of a heatwave than testing the display vibrators in a brightly colored, air conditioned sex toy shop?
Exactly.
Some sex toys look like rubber ducks and daisies and I’m not interested in those. Here’s a list of vibrators that we either love or would love to love or would not love to love. It’s been a long week, guys. Work with me here. Let’s dig into this.
FROM THE TEAM
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RIESE:
Editor-in-Chief, CEO of Ideas, Important Bisexual Lesbian
So this one time I was in Wisconsin with a giant truck at my friend ‘Emma”s grandmother’s house (isn’t this how all good sex stories begin?) and we were packing (!) furniture from G-ma’s garage to take with us to New York City when Emma’s Mom asked, “Do you hear that sound? That humming sound?” and we paused and listened and YES INDEED a humming noise was coming from the truck and I said, “Oh, that’s probably Emma’s vibrator,” as a joke, but then Emma yelped and ran into the truck because, you know, of course, obviously, it ACTUALLY WAS HER VIBRATOR. So I stood lookout while Emma tore through some boxes, extracted The Vibrator’s batteries and re-packed said box with Grandma being none-the-wiser. At this point I acquired a serious and transformative respect for this personified toy who dared to declare its desire so loudly and so inappropriately and you know, who doesn’t like a thing that just gets turned on whenever it so desires?
Prior to acquiring aforementioned rascaly vibrator, I’d always had these relatively cheap-looking things with lots of fancy complicated multi-speed/multi-pressure multi-dimensional extensions happening and never would’ve bought something simple like the Fun Factory Dolly Dolphin vibrator myself but Emma had picked it up while studying in Europe and said it was German and special and expensive and if you thought this story wasn’t already irrelevant and uninformative enough and clearly an extended attempt to talk about a sex toy without actually talking about sex then you will be further intrigued yet ultimately unfulfilled by the revelation that at some point much later when Emma was away for two months and I was in our NYC apartment and mentioned that she’d left her vibrator behind in the nightstand (we shared a bed, as friends, which is less weird than it sounds) on top of [important poetry book] she said “I am gifting it to you,” and I said, “Isn’t that gross or something?” and she was like, “Really Ris, really?” because you know, that’s what sex toy cleaner is for, Emma got tested for STDs like it was her job and besides, accepting said rarely-used gift was much cheaper than actually getting one for myself and thus, it became mine, and it was pretty awesome and I realized, unfortunately, that expensive things are, at least where sex toys are concerned, better than inexpensive things, and that these Special European Things last much longer than Unspecial Crap Things and that perhaps your bff can teach you more about vibrators than Sex and the City ever will. Get it.
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RACHEL:
Senior Editor, Lover of Poetry
The Mia vibrator from Lelo has basically everything I could ever ask for. It’s big enough to be powerful without feeling like a chainsaw. It’s quiet, easy to adjust the intensity, and the design is intuitive. Also, while I do not actually carry it in my purse and do not imagine that anyone else does either, it is satisfying to imagine that it could pass for lipstick and/or a flash drive, because it has a USB hookup and is easily chargeable from your laptop, which is super convenient and I love.
LANEIA:
Executive Editor, Kitten Enthusiast
I’ve recommended the Laya Spot before, and I still feel like it’s the best moderately-priced external vibrator ‘on the market.’ It’s waterproof! It’s made of something that’s soft! It’s little! There are several speeds to choose from and even a few settings with varying speed patterns.
KRISTA
from Effing Dykes, Adventurer
The Nea by Lelo is
expensive, and I got it as a present. Nothing says “I love you” like a sex toy you’ve been wanting for MONTHS and are too cheap to buy yourself.
It has a weird finish that feels strangely fuzzy to the touch. I can’t stop touching it. Or myself. The Nea looks like a computer mouse, so it can go in your carry-on and airport security doesn’t even blink. (In fact, it looks so much like a computer mouse that your mother can look at it, carelessly lying on your coffeetable!!!! and say, “Oh, what a cute computer mouse! You always have new tech stuff, Krissie – are you saving ANY money?”) Also, it has pretty flowers on it. ‘Cause I’m such a fucking lady. DID I MENTION NO BATTERIES. AND IT STAYS CHARGED FOR THREE DAYS AT A TIME. Holy fuck do I love this vibrator.
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HEY THESE LOOK NEAT
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TWO BIRDS / ONE STONE:
The We-Vibe II is supposed to stimulate your g-spot and your clit at the same motherfucking place at the same motherfucking time. I, Laneia, feel like that would be sensory overload, but don’t let that stop you. There were a couple vibrators that we couldn’t figure out how to turn off once we’d turned them on and I think this may have been one of them. On the upside, the We-Vibe is very discreet, as vibrators go.+
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BACK TO BASICS:
The Kisser Vibrator is a good starter model. It can be used for external stimulation or for penetration (it’s small enough for that to be comfortable for most people). It’s waterproof, soft to the touch, and well-designed. You adjust the intensity by twisting the bottom of the toy, which is nice most of the time, but it’s easy to accidentally twist that, which can get annoying. All around though, this would be a good addition to a collection or a good first step into the world of vibrators.
LOLGASM:
The Sqweel is ten tiny tongues in a small ferris wheel situation, which you hold on your clit to simulate oral pleasure. It would probably take me about a minute to get over how similar the Sqweel looks to a Happy Meal toy, but I think that minute would be a funny one. I’m adding this to my wish list, actually. I WANT THIS.
TRIED / TRUE:
The Hitachi Magic Wand seems to be a crowd favorite. There are approximately 823 attachments to go along with your Magic Wand, which I think would be fun / really make the experience more personal and unique. It’s on the large side, so this would not be recommended for travel.
ALMOST ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS:
The Gigi is a good size and has simple controls and a sleek, unintimidating design. I also appreciate the color scheme. THIS IS REALLY CUTE AND I WANT IT ALSO.
Now it’s your turn!
Have a vibrator recommendation?
Are you as over the Je Joue SaSi as I am? I just think that little bastard is too complicated.
Do you shop for vibrators online or in the store?
My first vibrator was pink and came from a sex toy shop on the side of the interstate in Alabama, which was nowhere near as pleasant as Babeland in Brooklyn, for the record. Riese’s first vibrator was neon green and slightly glittery and her gay best friend helped her pick it out because he didn’t want it to be bigger than the average penis and therefore prepare her for high expectations of men in the future. Isn’t it funny how things work out.
Here go look at Abby Winters or No Fauxxx or I Feel Myself.
Did you want a sexy tumblr thing to look at? Probably you do. How about Shani. The thing about Shani is that she likes girls!
Naked people being naked doing sex things. Wheeee!
wheee!
my first vibrator was a rabbit. literally. it was a small plastic rabbit, attached by a wire to a plastic speed control device. its eyes were pokey. and one sad day, i discovered it was not waterproof.
FUN FACT: You can’t even buy vibrators in Alabama anymore without like a court order, the Southern Inquisition, and calling it a gag gift and swearing an oath in blood that it will only be taken out at parties to be snickered at and not actually used on your ladybits. If you’re a shop owner, expect to be busted by the cops at least once and not the fun kind of cop a la Karen Gillan on the first ep of series 5 of Doctor Who because let me tell you, she could fun-cop me anytime.
MOVING ON. I’m a Hitachi devotee. I tried a similar wireless kind but similar is not Hitachi and thus does not meet my standards. I have not yet found an attachment for said Hitachi that is not wee or made of that infernal jelly crap. But I will. Or else I’ll make my own damn attachment, which will be dangerous and will probably be fucked up the first 5011 times I try – just because I live in Alabama doesn’t mean I took some kind of how-to-make-shit class in high school. I DID NOT.
Fun Fact: This comment makes me happy. :)
Have you tried the Gee Whiz or Gee Whizzard yet?
That sqweel thing is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.
Props for mentioning ifeelmyself.com.
lately I’ve been a whole lot more into nonvibraty things like the ophoria beyond 3 and the njoy pure wand. g-spot orgasms are much, much more attainable for me than clitoral ones. also fun factory’s SHARE, which is, you know, the best thing so far this century. ummm… yep. that’s my contribution tonight.
“also fun factory’s SHARE, which is, you know, the best thing so far this century”
I think the feeldoe is even better and I never cease to be amazed at how many people don’t know about it or don’t understand how it works.
The Share is my absolute favorite thing right now, and I’m so glad you guys mentioned it. I want to buy one for every queer lady I know!
me too! My secret life goal is to be a door-to-door seller of feeldoe’s / share’s
I was about to mention how great all of the fun factory stuff is, especially SHARE.
no seriously, GET ONE EVERYBODY.
and I was critical in the beginning, you know. ;)
Ummmm, WHERE was this three weeks ago when I was looking SPECIFICALLY for it?!!!!
I ended up getting an Ella by Lelo (Gigi sans vibe) and also have the Blueberry Buzz (hard plastic, but several speeds, high speeds are not the quietest, but easily silenced in the shower, very nice and versatile. HORRIBLE packaging btw) and Cloud 9 (somewhat large, but nice…more of a rumbly vibe, very quiet)
I got them all online from Babeland.
Hiya! Just a head’s up on the sqweel – it looks awesome but in practice it’s not so great. If you put any pressure on it whatsoever, it stops moving. Pretty sure this is to protect your ladybits from being sucked into a wheel of pain, but the result is that every time you start to get into it, the thing stops. Frustrating! My toys aren’t supposed to let me down like that!
i used to have the cone, which is great in that it had 16 settings, was hands-free and had a setting for instant orgasm.
in a weird twist, when i recently broke up with my closeted fundamentalist girlfriend, i sent with her a bag of clothes with this $165 vibrator hidden inside, because she said she would NEVER EVER be with a woman EVER again because of religion, nor would she masturbate. so what better way to commemorate our time together than to give her the vibrator that got her off while we watched gay porn? ;-)
(also because of the bad vibes (hardeharhar), i couldn’t picture myself using the cone after all that)
so now i’ll just use my electric vibrator and good riddance to that other stuff! whew! :-D
anyone know of a company that packages super discreetly? i’m still living with the rents and i don’t think i can wait ten months to be able to actually have fun by myself.
You could buy from Amazon via Autostraddle’s referral link. Or Babeland.
Amazon’s privacy policy
Babeland’s privacy policy
why thank you brianna. my exhausted hands are grateful
I FEEL YOUR PAIN, HOLY LORD.
I actually work in the family biz as well as live at home, so when I got a Babeland order last month, my mother was kind (demented?) enough to drop it off at the office while I was at lunch. When I came back my father said, “Next time just get your porn delivered to the office!” and I about had a heart attack before I noticed that the packaging was insanely discreet and remembered that he says that every time anything is delivered.
The moral of this story is that your hands will thank you when you get a battery-powered friend to help and that Babeland is super discreet so go for it.
same. i heard amazon is fairly discreet but wouldn’t know. Anyone?
I’ve never ordered from anyplace that wasn’t super vague and discreet. There was one that flat out said what it was on my debit card but as far as packaging-only goes I’ve never had an issue with goodvibes, babeland (my preferred purveyor of non-penis-shaped pleasure) and amazon.
Want to turn that super sexy mixtape from your ladyfriend into fun orgasm time? http://www.ohmibod.com/wired-vibrators/
It hooks up to your iPod, or anything else with a 3.5 mm plug, and vibrates to the music. Lady Gaga can give you (more) orgasms!
do you think it works well because I tried it once and I thought it didn’t really catch the beats / synch up to the music well
Really? I’ve been wanting one of these for a while now, just haven’t gotten around to ordering it. Hmph. Now I’ll have to think about it some more. It sounds like an awesome idea.
NOOO! Don’t do it!!!!
I bought my first vibrator shortly after my cousin started having sex with her boyfriend; after I marched her down to the local Walgreen’s and stared with her in brave confusion at the condoms, she decided she wanted to be, you know, naughty. Which meant buying a vibrator, duh. She watched Sex and the City religiously, y’all. Masturbation was something I talked about in detail with my Catholic school friends, but not The Cousin, and so her vibrator idea was kind of weird to me.
We drove out to this skeezy-ass sex shop nestled in an industrial district close to our suburban home. It was…very skeezy. I ended up buying the same model she did. It was glittery and purple and super fucking cheap. It did precisely nothing for me, so after using it once I stuck it in my pajama drawer and spent the next four years browsing sex toy shops longingly.
And then last month I bought the JimmyJane Iconic Bullet Vibrator from Babeland’s website and have been really insanely super happy ever since THE END.
that last pic made me happy – yay stoya!
for vibes, i highly recommend the JimmyJane Form6. pricey, but I can think of few things more worthy of an investment.
http://www.jimmyjane.com/shop/form6-p-85.html
true story – the Hitachi (though massive) busts the “we can’t scissor” myth.
(side note: are the spice girls singing “Hi-ta-chi oh yea” in their song “spice up your life”?…scissoring spice girls w/ the Hitachi…can someone more talented than me draw this please?)
actually, i think i like a chainsaw style vibrator.
there are a lot of Ashleighs in this world these days
I just bought a Lelo Nea from Amazon (and with purple, it’s only around 50 instead of 90) because of this post. I’m very much looking forward to the coming week. :)
I believe ClimaxPops and I were separated at birth.
They are cheap ($12-15) fast (but in a good way) easy (similar to fast) and are used for external use!
Plus they are coated in silicon. I’m still getting over the fact my magical twin buddy is mechanical and buzzes more than me, but other than i am suspicious of out origins.
AND WE ARE BOTH WATERPROOF.
I AM SORRY FOR MY TYPOS!
it’s 2am
I really like bullet vibrators because you can have control over the speeds so easily. Makes it handier than some other kinds I’ve tried.
Not sure why, but I’m freaked out by anything that needs to be plugged in while using it, so I’ve never tried the Hitachi.
Oh, and I’ve wanted a Nea since I saw one online a few years ago, but I was afraid it wouldn’t work for me and that shit’s too expensive to buy and not get anything out of. It’s just so pretty. And I’m girly and like girly flowery things. I want one again.
I am all in for all of the fun factory things! But then there were a few other items on this list that look amazing and interesting… I need a drawer. I have this sock drawer that is completely useless. Oh, and a box. A big one. And more money.
Also, I tried a magic wand with a ladyfriend this summer. I highly suspect it wasn’t the Hitachi wand, and it didn’t feel that good either. Easy on the pressure is all I have to say about this…
I like my OJP (Orgasmalicious Jelly Pop). It’s bendable, so you can go for g-spot stimulation if you’re into that. It has 10 different pulsing functions. I have never had a problem getting off with it.
I have heard many great things about the Hitachi, but have never tried one out yet.
Ah, the memories of the magic wands. When g/f (now wife) and I had a long-distance relationship, I was once so eager (desperately horny) that while waiting for a red-eye coast-to-coast flight, I dropped by the Brookstone store in the airport and purchased the amazing magic wand. Little did I know that in addition to selling remote controlled vaccuum cleaners (which could also be fun, ya know), Brookstone also sells very well-made magic vibrating wand “massagers.” So, ladies, when hopping on a plane to visit your woman 4,000 miles away, remember to find the terminal with the Brookstone shop. You will NOT regret it. (Our “massager” lasted 8 years!)
I’d been wanting a LeLo toy for ages and ages, and this was the absolute best deal I found on one.
http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Liv-Personal-Massager-Cerise/dp/B0029ZALCG/ref=pd_sim_dbs_hpc_3
That toy is awesome, rechargable, and SUPER quiet, which is nice if you have thin walls or share space with anyone. It’s not the most ergonomic toy, but that’s my only real complaint. I love it to death! Also, I found this site recently that has really great prices too (I’m not affilated with them or amazon at all, just want to share the love with the ladies of autostraddle!): http://www.shevibe.com/
And then, if anyone wants to read pretty neat sex toy reviews by a queer lady (not myself), check out this blog: http://britisshameless.com/
My favorite vibrator is hands down the Fun Factory Bubbles. It stays charged for days, has multiple slow pulsing settings to tease your partner with (in addition to its many vib speeds), is the perfect size and kind of cute, doesn’t remind me of a penis, and, because of its cool bubble shape can be use at many different and fun angles.
It’s really great you guys. I have many other vibes and they haven’t been out of the closet in a long while.
thanks for that comment, seriously though! it sounds/looks great and I found a shop that sells it for 45 euros – do you know how cheap that even is for a quality vibrator?!
I will clean out that unnecessary sock drawer now! ;)
That is a good deal. Nice. I want everyone to own this. Don’t forget to stock up on lube. I like Sliquid. It’s water-based, all natural, and vegan friendly.
UGH I REALLY WANT THE GIGI FOR CHRISTMAS.
I like my FunFactory Ocean. A lot. Most of the time, I don’t even need the buzzingness. But it’s rechargable and waterproof and it’s called The Ocean, so you can be like I WANT THE OCEAN RIGHT NOW for jokes.
The Wahl. You can get it for $13 on Amazon. It’s a “massager,” like the Hitachi, but my Wahl has replaced my Hitachi. BEST. $13. YOU’LL EVER EVER EVER SPEND.
I mean, I have an entire blog category dedicated to it’s awesomeness.
I’m the odd one out I guess, because I’ve never enjoyed Fun Factory toys. I spent way too much on a really cute one, and ended up feeling like someone was trying to whip up a meringue in my uterus. All that turning and twisting. It gave me cramps. I was so mad I wasted my money on it, so I turned it into a decorative art. I put a Ken doll tuxedo jacket on it and let it hang out on my coffee table.
The Wahl is my primary lover. It’s ugly, kind of looks like a glue gun, and has to plug into the wall, but love is blind. I used to use an old Sears-O-Matic personal massager passed down by my mother, but the wiring got loose and it caught fire. I thought I’d never find anything as good, until I found the Wahl.
The Nea by Lelo is good too, not as intense as the Wahl, but a lot easier to take with you to sleepovers, and less likely to scare the shit out of your new girlfriend.
In terms of dildos, as long as they’re silicone (and purple), I’m happy. Careful with the cheap dildos, because the chemicals they’re made of can cause allergic reactions, and they can be absorbent, which can lead to hygiene/health issues.
Just whatever you do, don’t buy that OhMyBod piece of shit.
They reel you in with the gimics like “oh it attatches to your ipod, ISN”T THAT COOL?!?!” and you’re all like “OHMYGAWD, I like vibraters AND gadgets! This’ll be AWESOME!”
But no, not really, the OhMyBod is not a cool gadget, it’s a powdercoated piece of plastic that barely vibrates wort a damn for [don’t quote me here] I’m pretty sure close to 80 bucks.
NO BUENO.
I’ve had my Hitachi Mystic Wand for about six months now, and I love it to death. It’s basically a smaller, less noisy, wireless cousin of the Magic Wand. The batteries take a while to charge, but at the top setting it packs a nice punch. And, it comes in pink! What’s not to love?
I know it’s an old thread, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you Autostraddle. I finally ordered my first vibe. Well, I ordered two of them, but I’m excited to see what the fuss is all about.