Our September A-Camp Event included the ever-so-popular “Sex Panel,” via which Sexual Experts Mollie, Sara, Intern Daniela, Riese, Ali and Carolyn answered pressing lesbosexy sex questions before an audience of 200 lusty ladies. We laughed, we cried, we came in our pants.
The 2012 A-Camp Sex Panel
Now A-Camp is over but the feelings keep coming. Or having difficulty coming without a vibrator, depending on who you ask. We couldn’t answer all your questions at the sex panel, so now it’s your turn to answer them for each other, Formspring Friday style.
We also promised the audience at the sex panel that we’d put together a post featuring all the toys and resources we discussed during the panel, so we’ve also included all of that and more!
via queerfatbutch.tumblr.com
16 Questions From the Sex Panel for You to Answer This NSFW Sunday
1. Do people actually use dental dams? (Related: If your partner has a cold and goes down on you, can you catch it?)
2. Two-thirds of women I’ve been with are against any form of sexual penetration. Is this more or less common in the queer community?
3. Navigating threesomes: helpful suggestions?
4. How do you end a casual sexual relationship when one party starts to develop feelings for the other?
5. How do you approach trying new things with a more experienced partner?
6. I am a “lesbian virgin.” I had sex with boys before I knew I was gay. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I only came out two years ago. Should I let a partner know before sex? (Related: I’ve been out for 10 years and am in my mid-20s. I think this leads people to think I’m more experienced. What is a non-self-depreciating way to say I’ve only had sex a couple of times, in 2008?)
7. How do I tell potential romantic partners that I’m not going to sleep with them right away? I’m a queer survivor but don’t want to be like, “HERE’S BAGGAGE!”
8. Why can’t my girlfriend cuddle more?
9. How (in a new relationship) do you bring up the subject of light bondage if you are a sexually awkward person? (Related: What BDSM resources are there beyond 50 Shades of Grey?) (Also related: How can I be submissive in bed sometimes but still get my partner to treat me equally outside of bed?)
10. What if my fingers aren’t long enough?
11. I’ve never used sex toys. Am I really missing out?
12. How do you deal with the issue of having a girlfriend/partner who is unable to orgasm? Being an over-achiever myself. (Related: My partner hasn’t been able to come for two months. Us having sex or her masturbating alone makes no difference. Can you give some advice?) (Also related: What do you do when you hook up with someone and you don’t get them off? I feel like I want to apologize, but that seems awkward.)
13. I don’t really get off with partners very often because I’ve become almost addicted to the way I touch myself when I masturbate and don’t know what I like. What’s the best way to explore? I’m afraid of giving feedback because it seems overly critical. (Related: Tips for getting off (clit) with only using fingers? It’s hard for me to do it to myself (I love vibrators!) but it doesn’t do it for me when someone else does it.)
14. My lady and I are very mismatched in terms of our desire for sex. She prefers once every six-ish weeks. I would prefer one to two times per week. How can we address this?
15. Lately I feel very reluctant to express anything about my sexuality (desires, opinions, creativity, etc.) because it feels like I’m “too much” or “coming on too strong.” I feel like it would be more ok if I was attractive or cool or at least more normative. How do I figure out a good balance of self-expression, appropriateness, and deal with people’s expectations of what a “proper,” “erotic” person/expression is?
16. How do you know when it’s time to go?
via blushingfemme.tumblr.com
Toys
+ A portable under the bed restraint system helps you tie someone up even if there’s nothing to tie them to (read Autostraddle’s review).
+ A thigh harness is helpful if you have back or wrist problems, or just want another way to have sex.
+ Autostraddle is a long-time fan of the RodeOH Harness. We also like the Velvet Nest Harness if you want something femmier.
+ If you want to skip messing about with harnesses entirely, try the Feeldoe (though some panelists prefer the Share), which you keep in place with your Kegel muscles. The Sonic double dildo is also an option.
+ Smart balls are lots of fun. Part sex aid and part everything awesome, smart balls (or kegel balls) feel neat and help strengthen your pelvic floor. Try the Ami Silicone Kegel Exercisers or the Teneo Silicone Kegel Balls.
via voluptaset.tumblr.com
Resources
+ The Coalition for Toxic Toys is a necessary guide to safe and unsafe sex toys.
+ Scarleteen’s yes/no/maybe checklist is a tool to help you talk about sex with your partner. They suggest rating the sex acts on the list with yes, no, maybe, I don’t know, or fantasy. Instead, try rating from 1 to 5, with 1 being not interested at all and 5 being very interested. For things that aren’t sex acts, answer the questions as honestly as you can so that when you talk to your partner about sex you’ve done your homework.
+ Scarleteen also has tips on how to talk about sex with a partner or potential partner, and a great beginner resource for kink and BDSM.
+ If you feel silly wearing a cock, Sinclair Sexsmith write about how to take butch cock seriously and being confident.
+ Books to look into include The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino and The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, by Midori. Also try The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, How to be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM, by Morpheous, and Susie Sexpert’s Lesbian Sex World.
+ You can also check out NSFW Sunday’s Bondage 101 or really, all of the Bondage Month archives.
+ Porn is a great way to discover things you might be interested in. Our recommendations include the Crashpad Series, the work of Jiz Lee, Sugarbutch, and past winners and nominees for the Feminist Porn Awards. For erotica, try Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica, author D.L. King, and books edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel or Tristan Taormino.
+ Also: the answer to the question, How do you Autostraddle?
Disclaimer: All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email our tech director at cee [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.
6. You don’t have to let your partner know all of that information unless you’re comfortable with it, but they would probably appreciate knowing that you’ve never had lesbian sex before if only to help you ease into it and feel more comfortable.
11. I’ve wondered the same thing a few times before, but I don’t think that I am. The only way to find out is to try using some and to see if you like it! I plan to do it eventually, I’m just not curious enough to try it yet.
12. It depends. Does your girlfriend care about not being able to orgasm? That might sound like an odd question, but if she doesn’t, neither sex nor masturbation always has to involve achieving orgasm.
13. Giving feedback to your partner doesn’t have to be harsh. You could say, “Why don’t you try [something you do when you’re masturbating alone]…” or “I like it when you do this.”
1. Do people actually use dental dams? (Related: If your partner has a cold and goes down on you, can you catch it?)
Short answer: Yes, people use dental dams. You can catch a cold from germs, nasal secretions, or saliva. It is possible, and probably not the sexiest thing. Also, you might catch a cold from kissing, foreplay or holding hands before engaging in sex.
2. Two-thirds of women I’ve been with are against any form of sexual penetration. Is this more or less common in the queer community?
Two thirds made me pause. I usually associate fractions with high numbers over 10. If that’s the case then good for you. There are lots of other women who love penetration though. It is not unusual in the queer community, but as for the reason, it always depends on the person. Maybe it doesn’t get her off? Maybe she’s a survivor and isn’t quite comfortable? Maybe she’s trans and doesn’t want anal penetration? Maybe its her first time with penetration and isn’t ready for that? I’d say just ask her.
3. Navigating threesomes: helpful suggestions?
Most of my answers are going to go back to how important communication is. Sometimes though, no matter how much you communicate, something or someone might get crazy as cat shit on you. Having said that it’s still better than not speaking. And, make sure everybody has equal attention time and gets what they want out of it.
4. How do you end a casual sexual relationship when one party starts to develop feelings for the other?
Be honest, but be gentle. If I developed feelings for someone I was sleeping with, I wouldn’t want her to get all weird and shut me out with no explanation. Be clear with what’s going on and do it soon. I would not recommend continuing sleeping with a person who still has feelings for you. It just complicates things more.
5. How do you approach trying new things with a more experienced partner?
With enthusiasm! Mention what you like or what you’d like to try. Ask her what she would like or thought of doing but has never done.
6. I am a “lesbian virgin.” I had sex with boys before I knew I was gay. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I only came out two years ago. Should I let a partner know before sex? (Related: I’ve been out for 10 years and am in my mid-20s. I think this leads people to think I’m more experienced. What is a non-self-depreciating way to say I’ve only had sex a couple of times, in 2008?)
Yes, you should let your partner know your sexual history (not every single sexy detail of course) and if you are positive with any STI’s. My question for you is, why are you afraid? If your partner is secure about herself and her own sexuality, she won’t judge your past. Maybe you’re the only one judging? Why is having sex with two people in 2008 self-depreciating? Don’t worry about the numbers or the timing. Have fun girl and be safe.
7. How do I tell potential romantic partners that I’m not going to sleep with them right away? I’m a queer survivor but don’t want to be like, “HERE’S BAGGAGE!”
Well, you could just say “Hey, I’m not going to sleep with you right away” but you also don’t have to promise them pussy. You do not necessarily need to tell them why, but if you want to, give yourself the time to do it, to find the words and will to say it. I think this link might be helpful.
http://www.sextx.com/rape.html
8. Why can’t my girlfriend cuddle more?
I don’t know. I’ll cuddle you ;)
9. How (in a new relationship) do you bring up the subject of light bondage if you are a sexually awkward person? (Related: What BDSM resources are there beyond 50 Shades of Grey?) (Also related: How can I be submissive in bed sometimes but still get my partner to treat me equally outside of bed?)
You have to mention it somehow. I know even just trying to start can be awkward or difficult but you gotta try! Maybe look at some porn together and be like, “hey, we could try that/something like that.” Kink.com is a good source to look at. I’m not sure but I think there are forums where people can discuss BDSM. If your partner doesn’t treat you equally outside of bed something is wrong. Or, someone needs to learn how to respect you/listen to you. Or maybe they are confusing power play and being asshat. Talk about it.
10. What if my fingers aren’t long enough?
It’s the motion of da ocean.
11. I’ve never used sex toys. Am I really missing out?
If you find yourself constantly thinking about it, try it out. Some people like it, some don’t.
12. How do you deal with the issue of having a girlfriend/partner who is unable to orgasm? Being an over-achiever myself. (Related: My partner hasn’t been able to come for two months. Us having sex or her masturbating alone makes no difference. Can you give some advice?) (Also related: What do you do when you hook up with someone and you don’t get them off? I feel like I want to apologize, but that seems awkward.)
If your partner can’t orgasm and you’ve tried everything in that box on the top right shelf back of the closet, try not doing anything for a while. Also, having to cum doesn’t always have to be the final goal.
13. I don’t really get off with partners very often because I’ve become almost addicted to the way I touch myself when I masturbate and don’t know what I like. What’s the best way to explore? I’m afraid of giving feedback because it seems overly critical. (Related: Tips for getting off (clit) with only using fingers? It’s hard for me to do it to myself (I love vibrators!) but it doesn’t do it for me when someone else does it.)
It sounds like you do know what you like – touching yourself! Try that starting off and ease your partner in. For feedback, try saying something like, “You know what you’re good at/what you should do more?” Besides experimenting with different techniques and lubes, try using silver bullets with or without lube on your clit. I’ve only heard good things so far.
14. My lady and I are very mismatched in terms of our desire for sex. She prefers once every six-ish weeks. I would prefer one to two times per week. How can we address this?
You cannot demand sex from her obviously until she wants to so you’re just going to have to be patient. She might want more eventually if you hold back some. Maybe that’s what happening to you? You can always masturbate. Nobody loves me like me!
15. Lately I feel very reluctant to express anything about my sexuality (desires, opinions, creativity, etc.) because it feels like I’m “too much” or “coming on too strong.” I feel like it would be more ok if I was attractive or cool or at least more normative. How do I figure out a good balance of self-expression, appropriateness, and deal with people’s expectations of what a “proper,” “erotic” person/expression is?
Fuck people’s expectations of proper or normal or attractive. Having a healthy balance of self-confidence and being yourself is your weapon. You do you booboo. If you need to wake up in the morning look in the mirror and say, “You know what? You’re a sexy unstoppable beast” then do it. If you’re really concerned with coming on too strong, just think about what you’re saying before you say it. We all say silly things sometimes.
16. How do you know when it’s time to go?
That awkward silence and when you feel like you need to slowly backwards walk out the bedroom. Or when there’s no talk of breakfast. Definitely get out.
Jeepers Tevy, you need your own sexy advice column!
12. – I have strong feelings about this.
C is absolutely right, the important thing is if the other person cares about not being able to come or not. Putting pressure on people who don’t come, feeling guilty for not making them come, discussing this topic all the time can take the fun out of sex completely.
Not being able to orgasm does not mean that people don’t enjoy sex. And it doesn’t mean that people don’t know when they are “done” and satisfied during sex if they don’t come.
I admit to sometimes being jealous of people who seem to orgasm so easily and maybe in the future I will try again at “learning how to do that too”, but for me sex got way better when I found a partner who simply didn’t care about me coming or not.
This might sound harsh, but this is not about the partners of people who are not able to orgasm. Especially if you are an overachiever – that’s you’re issue. Me not “coming” like other people do – my issue, until I decide to work on it in the relationship/my sex life with my partner.
As for hook-ups… I don’t know, but if you’re having a ONS or haven’t been with the other person before you have no way of knowing what they like and I feel that being able to relax during sex comes with trust and knowing the other person and their body so, no apologies if certain things don’t happen with strangers or the first time around.
Also re: experiences/the virginity questions –
FUCK SEX ELITICISM!
I think there is too much worrying about the number of partners people have been with, what they have done so far.
I have these issues too, I must admit, but…it is so important to feel comfortable (in terms of what is communicated too) and sleeping with people who make you feel comfortable.
If someone gives you shit for being a “lesbian virgin” or being inexperienced they are certainly not the people who deserve to see and enjoy your naked body.
“What is a non-self-depreciating way to say I’ve only had sex a couple of times, in 2008?)”
You say, “Hey! I’ve only had sex a couple of times back in 2008. Wanna party?”
;D
“6. I am a “lesbian virgin.” I had sex with boys before I knew I was gay. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I only came out two years ago. Should I let a partner know before sex? (Related: I’ve been out for 10 years and am in my mid-20s. I think this leads people to think I’m more experienced. What is a non-self-depreciating way to say I’ve only had sex a couple of times, in 2008?)”
I came out at 24 (not that long ago) and was super nervous about this. Luckily I found out that no one really cares. If she has the hots for you she won’t turn you down for being inexperienced with women. I have the impression that it’s quite common for lesbians to have relationships with men in their sexual history (before coming out), so you shouldn’t be afraid to tell people.
6) On this one I disagree with the above posters. You absolutely don’t have to disclose anything if you don’t want to, just because someone wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean you owe them a rundown of your sexual past. UNLESS of course you have had unprotected sex and hasn’t been tested for STIs since, they then have a right to know (whether it was straight or lesbian sex!). But having had sex with boys doesn’t mean that you are an unworthy piece of fake-lesbian trash tainted for life who will spread the Mark of Shame to poor unsuspecting “gold stars” if you don’t tell them. If someone has a “moral” issue or is grossed out by who you’ve slept with, fuck the bigots. Or rather, don’t fuck them.
Also, on the “related” parenthesis : this is totally not a big deal and nothing to be ashamed of, and people will only think it is if you make it so. Again, you don’t have to tell current/prospective partners for the sake of it if you don’t want to. If you do want to tell them, just mention it casually, and if they make fun of you give’em the boot.
7) I feel like a broken record, but again, you don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to! Just say that you need to have a deeper romantic connexion with someone before you can sleep with them. I don’t know anyone who would see it as a red flag or a bad thing.
9) First of all : if someone doesn’t like you being submissive in bed because they think it means you have psychological or self-esteem issues or whatever, they are ignorant. Find yourself someone more educated. If someone likes you being submissive in bed because they think it gives them the right to treat you badly outside of the bedroom, THEY ARE BAD AND DANGEROUS. RUN LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING WIND.
Ok, so, with that out of the way. No, wait – I’ll say it once again : what you like to do or how you like to be treated in bed has NO bearing on your worth as a person, how you ought to be treated in life/relationships, and the amount of respect you deserve. This is super important. There’s the good doms who humbly respect and admire the subs who own their kink and make the decision to trust them and put power in their hands, and then there’s the assholes and the psychos. Learn to differentiate them.
NOW, bondage and awkwardness. Baby steps. If you hand out 10 meters of rope to your partner and ask them to tie you up to the ceiling right away, they miiiight freak out. You can start by introducing the idea of tying someone’s hands, either to the bed or just together, this can be tons of fun while still being relatively vanilla. If one of you is wearing a tie or scarf, you can “spontaneously” introduce the idea when undressing *hint hint*.
Oh and, don’t forget about safety! Start out with loosely-tied, easy-to-undo knots in soft fabrics that won’t tighten up too much with movement. If you want to work your way up from there, learn about safety in bondage first. I don’t have links at hand, but you can check the NSFW bondage month archives here on AS.
15) You read AS so you are cool. There’s people who want to sleep with you so you are attractive. Fuck normativity. As long as you don’t step on someone’s consent or boundaries in bed, you are not being inappropriate – you are two humans getting naked and messy, etiquette is for the dinner table! The only things people ought to expect from you in bed is respect, enthusiasm, and a willingness to create a moment of fun and pleasure for you both. If you need to speak up to have it, then speak up – you don’t deserve it any less than anyone else. :)
6. There’s only two things you are required to tell a new sex partner. 1) any STD history, and 2) whatever you’re comfortable telling them.
As an asexual lesbian, I haven’t had sex with anyone of any gender, but I’ve found that most people are very accepting so long as you are up front and honest with them.
I was really scared to go to the sex panel at camp and one of my cabin mates said, “Dude we aren’t seriously going to have sex in a big group.” which made me laugh, but really I guess my fear was having questions that were embarrassing or feeling like a loser or less experienced. I never even read NSFW Sunday, but I like have read that how to have lesbian sex article at least 25 times(which I guess is what helped with the 3 partners I’ve had). So I am really happy part of the panel came back with us so I can continue to ease into this embracing of my sexuality and being okay with being a sexual person.
All I wrote on my piece of paper was “automatic win = Jetpack”
While I wouldn’t ever compare this to being a survivor more than superficially, I kind of feel like asking a similar question to #7 about being born male. It does still screw around with my feelings (as evidenced by the several dozen comments I’ve made about trans* stuff here and the single-digit number on other subjects) so I have to tell at some point, but I’m worried the reaction will be either (1) whatever attraction the other girl might have had before knowing will get snuffed out instantly because “ew, man body,” or (2) her reading my telling about this as broadcasting “BAGGAGE! BAGGAGE! RUN AWAY FAST!”
Sorry if this comment’s a little hard to read. That last picture made my brain lock up a little.
Whoa. Reading this again, it’s a little confusing.
The concern I was trying to get across about my body is that I think I’m going to need some time in a relationship to psych myself up for sex, since there are parts of me that make me really unhappy and which I’m kind of scared of showing to someone, even someone I’m attached to.
6. I am a “lesbian virgin.” I had sex with boys before I knew I was gay. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I only came out two years ago. Should I let a partner know before sex? (Related: I’ve been out for 10 years and am in my mid-20s. I think this leads people to think I’m more experienced. What is a non-self-depreciating way to say I’ve only had sex a couple of times, in 2008?)
I was older but knew nothing, so I was honest with my girlfriend when we started out:
“I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to do, but I want you. So help me figure this out. Because I want you. Pretty please with sugar on top.”
Surprisingly enough, it worked. We fumbled our way through, and we’re still fumbling our way through three years later because I’ve gotta say, the messing around is half of the fun. Besides, if we were all awesome at this straight from the start, sex would be as predictable as oatmeal.
Yeah but I really really like oatmeal.
Then revel in super-fabulous oatmeal, and hopefully a good breakfast will power you through some equally-fabulous sex. (Although the kind of oatmeal I was referring to was the instant just-add-water tasteless goo that my mother always passed off as oatmeal. Uninspiring and slimy…never a good thing.)
I came across this and thought of AS: porridge that’s supposed to be as good as sex, in an all-oatmeal restaurant in Copenhagen.
http://wgsn-hbl.blogspot.ca/2012/01/grd-copenhagen-reimagining-porridge.html
Makes great after-sex food. (Perhaps that could be a thing sometime in AS? Recipes for good hearty easy-to-make after-sex food? NSFW activities need fuel.) That reminds me…
12. How do you deal with the issue of having a girlfriend/partner who is unable to orgasm?
Maybe don’t treat it like an issue, but rather an opportunity to blow your partner’s mind by engaging as many of her senses as possible. Blindfold her and give her a scented massage and feed her slivers of chocolate and bite a little trail down her back. These can be good things, and luckily, because sex isn’t an orgasm contest, she could end up exhausted and deliriously happy without ever having had an orgasm.
9. How (in a new relationship) do you bring up the subject of light bondage if you are a sexually awkward person? (Related: What BDSM resources are there beyond 50 Shades of Grey?) (Also related: How can I be submissive in bed sometimes but still get my partner to treat me equally outside of bed?)
It kinda came up naturally with me and my gf when we were early in our relationship. One time when she was on top she put her hands on my wrists, which we sprawled out over my head. I told her what a turn-on that was and the rest just followed from there. It led to a great discussion later while cuddling about different things we each wanted to try.
I agree with what others have said: if your partner doesn’t treat you right in or out of bed, GET OUT NOW. A particular sexual preference doesn’t give anyone the right to treat you with less than complete respect.
#2 about non-penetrative sex:
http://crashpadseries.com/queer-porn/2012/vaginismus-non-penetrative-sex-is-queer-sex/
Another resource that was mentioned at the panel that I have found to be SUPER useful is kinkacademy.com! You do have to pay for it, but it’s way worth it – they have well-done video tutorials for many, many, things.
1. Do people actually use dental dams? (Related: If your partner has a cold and goes down on you, can you catch it?)
Some people use dental dams, some people don’t. The best thing to do is to ask your partner if they’ve been tested, and to get tested yourself, on a regular basis. That way, if you know you’re both clean, there’s no need to worry about dental dams; and if you ask your partner if they’ve been tested and they say no, it’s easier to transition into the safe sex talk (i.e. “Do you mind if we use dental dams until we’ve both been tested?”). Also, making a dental dam out of condoms is way cheaper/sexier than buying actual dental dams. Cut the top off the condom and cut along the side, then roll it out. Tada! Instant dental dam.
3. Navigating threesomes: helpful suggestions?
Meet at least once or twice to just talk and determine sexual chemistry between the three of you before moving it to the bedroom. Make sure everybody is into it/has an option to back out if they want to. Establish boundaries and talk about safe sex beforehand – the peer pressure is intense when one person wants condoms/barriers to be used but the other two people don’t use them (figured this out the hard way when I was that third…). Also, deeper feelings don’t have to occur, but they might, especially if the threesomes happen more than once. Be ready for that possibility.
7. How do I tell potential romantic partners that I’m not going to sleep with them right away? I’m a queer survivor but don’t want to be like, “HERE’S BAGGAGE!”
“I don’t want to have sex right away.” It’s not necessary to explain the details of why; plenty of people wait to have sex until they really trust their partner. Hopefully you reach a level of trust with your partner where you can tell them; but there’s no need to do that until you’re ready.
9. How (in a new relationship) do you bring up the subject of light bondage if you are a sexually awkward person? (Related: What BDSM resources are there beyond 50 Shades of Grey?) (Also related: How can I be submissive in bed sometimes but still get my partner to treat me equally outside of bed?)
For the first question: shyly, even bashfully, look up through your eyelashes and ask, “So…I think it might be hot to tie you up/have you tie me up.” Extra points if you bite your lower lip while looking adorably nervous. Works every time.
Third question: Communication, communication, communication! Tell your partner exactly what you’ve said here, that you want to be submissive in bed sometimes but still be treated equally outside of bed. Anyone who not a complete asshole will not take your submissiveness as license to treat you differently outside of the bedroom.
10. What if my fingers aren’t long enough?
They’re long enough. Most of the nerve endings are closer to the opening of the vagina, not very deep in. Also, I hear the clit is pretty great :P
12. How do you deal with the issue of having a girlfriend/partner who is unable to orgasm? Being an over-achiever myself. (Related: My partner hasn’t been able to come for two months. Us having sex or her masturbating alone makes no difference. Can you give some advice?) (Also related: What do you do when you hook up with someone and you don’t get them off? I feel like I want to apologize, but that seems awkward.)
DO NOT FOCUS ON THE ORGASMS. Focus on giving your partner a good time. Cuddle, be silly, experiment, make your partner moan with pleasure without worrying about whether she’ll get to the Big O. For one, both of you will be a lot happier if you’re having fun with the journey and not worrying too much about the destination; and also, she’s more likely to actually reach that destination if she’s having fun and not feeling pressured to orgasm.
14. My lady and I are very mismatched in terms of our desire for sex. She prefers once every six-ish weeks. I would prefer one to two times per week. How can we address this?
Communicate! Are there other ways that you can create intimacy without going all the way to sex? Other forms of physical touch may help, such as cuddling, backrubs, hugs, makeouts, etc. I know for me, one of my favorite parts of sex (other than the orgasms, obvs) is the cuddling and intimate talk afterwards. If you communicate, you can get this without sex. What are the reasons she doesn’t want to have sex often? Would she be into watching you masturbate/talking dirty to you, without the sex, or does she want to avoid all sexual situations? Would either/both of you be okay with opening up the relationship? Ultimately, if you can’t find a solution that works for both of you, sex may be a deal-breaker. Remember that the point is for both of you to be happy, not for you to arbitrarily “compromise” on sex and have it every three weeks, for example; that can lead to her not being into it and you feeling under-appreciated.
3. Threesome suggestions: (I love that this was put as question number three)
– Have lots of pillows available for comfiness so that people can find cozy spots on a crowded bed and not bump their elbows against the wall or get neck/back aches. Alternatively, put a mattress/pile of blankets and sleeping bags and things on the floor and make that the sex space so that no one can roll off the edge of the bed. This is most relevant if you are a college student living in a dorm (like me) and have attempted to sex up two people at once while on a twin double long mattress – it is possible but not an easy process. If you are significantly more grown up than me and have your own house with a larger bed, this may sound silly. Then again, silliness can be a great way to relax when you’re trying to figure out how to have your first threesome, so don’t discount that totally.
– There’s a lot more to navigate and keep track of if you’re doing things with multiple people at once, and if you/they aren’t comfy talking about sexual safety, boundaries and interests to any degree before actually having sex, it’s probably not a sign that the threesome will work very well. Talk about what you do and don’t want, but don’t set strict expectations on what you’re going to do sexually. People may have unexpected emotions come up during threesome sex – jealousy, embarrassment, a sense of overwhelm/performance anxiety – and you shouldn’t have to force them or yourself to just push through that. If things start to feel scary or not right and your first threesome ends up just being three person cuddles, that’s okay, too. Three person cuddles rock.
– This may be something specific to sex in hot-weather areas, but keep water bottles nearby. Body heat from multiple people combined with the exertions of sex makes it easier to get dehydrated. Try to keep any toys/lube/general useful items near to the bed, too, because it can be time consuming to detangle yourself from two people and get out of bed to find stuff. Having snacks around is also useful because snacks are awesome. If you want to prepare food larger than a snack, I recommend mac n’ cheese, but maybe that’s just my weird post-sex craving thing. All I know is that one of my partners made mac n’ cheese after our first threesome and it rocked.
I gotta say, having had a few threesomes in various constellations, these suggestions are all awesome. And this: “if you/they aren’t comfy talking about sexual safety, boundaries and interests to any degree before actually having sex, it’s probably not a sign that the threesome will work very well. Talk about what you do and don’t want, but don’t set strict expectations on what you’re going to do sexually” cannot be stressed enough.
Also, if you are one part of a couple/other kind established sex-having-relationship involving a third part, make sure to communicate not just with your partner but with the third person too – before, during and after. It’s easy to feel left out.
6. To the lesbian virgin:
It’s not an easy thing to say. But all lesbians have been lesbian virgins, we all know it doesn’t always go smoothly the first time, or maybe the second or fifth. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about regarding when you had sex last, who it was with, or whether you know what to expect for the next time. Give yourself a break and remember that no one is really sure what to expect or how to go about having sex with a new person for the first time. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m pretty new at this, and I want to know what you like.” I don’t know many who wouldn’t really appreciate that kind of honestly. And finally – age ain’t no thang.
#6.5 What if you’re a super-virgin? As in, “You’re such a virgin that it should be your superhero name and you’re not even religious.” As in, “You’ve never done anything with anyone anywhere ever and you’re already in college.”
Hey there, I’m in the same boat in law school!
Not as rare as you might think, but I dunno how to tell anyone that either.
Hey I know I’m really late to the game here, but my gf pretty well got the gist when we started making out and she stuck her tongue in my mouth and I kinda spazzed and said “tongues feel weird.”
Just FWIW.
10.
Trust me your fingers are plenty long enough to do plenty of things.
My ex was fixated on this and worried.. Her fingers were plently long enough.
The motion of the ocean comment rings true.
12. How do you deal with the issue of having a girlfriend/partner who is unable to orgasm? Being an over-achiever myself. (Related: My partner hasn’t been able to come for two months. Us having sex or her masturbating alone makes no difference. Can you give some advice?) (Also related: What do you do when you hook up with someone and you don’t get them off? I feel like I want to apologize, but that seems awkward.)
in the past year i’ve experience plenty of awkward “..um…i’m sorry?” moments. my girlfriend is a pretty hard top, so this shit happens to us semi frequently. as a newly out person who had sex with men and never had that experience; the first time was pretty traumatizing. i cried and was well a total girl about it.
i just have to remind myself that i can’t control her body and sometimes neither can she. “equal” sex is not always the end goal for us. sex is just as hot and awesome for her just fucking me. my advice is honestly stop stressing out about it, the both of you. the added stress of disappointing you on top of how frustrating it is to not be capable of reaching orgasm is probably just exasperating the problem.
10. What if my fingers aren’t long enough?
check out the Two dildo from Wet for Her